It ended with?
by Leviosa0812
Summary: For Kendall, life didn't go as he planned it. How is he going to deal with it?
1. Chapter 1

**A little late… but here it is! Almost 7000 words of pure misery. I hope you enjoy! **

**The title is 'It ended with...', because I don't know what this story ends with yet. I'll probably change the title when I put up the last chapter of this. **

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><p>It wasn't working.<p>

This morning I found yet another negative pregnancy test on the sink in the bathroom where Logan always left them for me after he did them and left for work. We'd been trying to get another baby for almost two years now, but every time the signs seemed to be right and we got all excited because this time 'it finally worked', our hope got crushed again by one of these stupid white sticks with a sad smiley on it.

I sighed and threw it away, before getting out of my clothes and getting under the water. I was ready to give up. We were not going to get the last baby we wanted so badly. Logan wasn't ready to give up yet and was still hoping that one day it would work. He was taking all kinds of pills and other medicines that were supposed to increase fertility, but it was no success.

It ruined us. Thrice a week Logan would lie in bed naked, waiting until I would come to bed too and then we would fuck. Logan lying on his back with me on top of him, because 'this was the best way to create a baby.' It wasn't something we did because we loved each other like we used to do. This was only because we wanted a baby. Most of the time Logan didn't even come undone. I had to, because that was how it worked after all, but there was no pleasure what so ever. Our love making turned into fucking. Pointless fucking, because it led to nothing.

As a result Logan started to work more. He'd started med school about a month after we broke up the band and he was now in his fourth and final year. In the beginning, four or five months ago, I was okay with him working more often. He had to get a good grade after all and he still came home every night in time for dinner. But then I noticed he purposely started to work more. He took over some night shifts and left earlier in the morning, before breakfast.

I had always known the last year was the hardest. That he would be gone often to go to school or work or the library, but I always thought Logan wasn't one to ignore his family and friends. That he would make time for us every once in a while to do something or to just hang around at home. And he did. He tried to make time for us in the beginning, but it was hard and he could get only one free day a week. I was okay with that, honestly. Seeing him once a week was better than not at all and he really tried to get some more days off, which proved to me he didn't totally forget about us.

But now... Logan was hardly here at all. Even when he was home, he was always somewhere else in his head. He worked 7 to 5, came home, ate with us and then went to the library to study. He was there until he finished every assignment he had for that day and then came home again, sometimes after midnight. He would take a quick shower, check up on Keira and Kegan who were already sleeping and, on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, get in bed with me to fuck. He fell asleep right after and woke up at six to start the whole thing over again.

The good thing was that he still slept in my embrace, like always. Not when he took a night shift, of course, that were nights I didn't sleep either. I just... I wished that this was all over. Maybe if we finally succeeded in getting pregnant he would stay home more often. I wanted to make love again, to cuddle with him after and see him often enough to get a kiss out of him in the morning and a talk at night. One wherein he said more than 'work was normal' and 'yes' or 'no'. Keira and Kegan missed him too. Kegan more than Keira, because she was five now and going to kindergarten while he was at home with Lizzy and me all day.

I did things with them too, went to the park or my mom or Katie or whatever with them and occasionally James or Carlos joined in to spend time with their daughter, but never Logan. He was always too busy. I missed him so much and when he just started working so much five months ago that was okay, because he tried. He'd tried to get days off to spend time with us.

But he didn't try anymore. As long as he tried I could convince myself he wanted to be here with us, but now he wasn't trying anymore I wasn't so sure. I was sure he blamed me though. I couldn't get him pregnant. It was ridiculous, because it was none of our faults it didn't work, but I still thought he blamed me.

And he was hurting. He only showed it in one way, but he was hurting so bad. I'd put a lot of thought in it and came to the conclusion he must feel like he failed. He couldn't get pregnant. He wasn't able to get the third baby he wanted so much; the baby WE wanted so much. He felt like he let me down too.

Just, the way he tried to make up for it wasn't exactly right. Working harder and harder on his study and his job wasn't going to make things better between us or suddenly make him able to get a baby. He only drifted away from me further and maybe it helped him dealing with the pain this caused, but it certainly wasn't helping me.

Logan bottled his emotions up and kept them to himself. I had to put a lot of effort in making him talk, or he wouldn't tell me one thing. While he did that, I needed to talk about this. I needed to tell him what I thought of and felt about this, otherwise I couldn't process it properly. We never officially gave up the hope for another baby, but I thought that once we did, it would all be fine again. Not immediately, because things like this cost time. But after a while, when Logan finished med school and was with us more, we would work it out.

Besides that I missed him, I was getting mad at him too. I understood he was hurting, but this was just not the right way to deal with it. I couldn't help it to get mad. I didn't deserve this treatment he was giving me. I wanted to help him, I wanted to get him to talk to me so we could decide together how we were going to face this problem. If he just let me.

I knew it was hard to not give up if your requests for a free day are constantly turned down, but he could try harder on special days and holidays. Like Christmas. Or Thanksgiving. Or his birthday. Or new years eve. Or all the other events he missed, more birthdays and parties of people that loved him and had expected him to be there, on their parties and birthdays. He could try harder on those day. He could explain to the commission that took care of free days that he'd a husband and two small children back home. For all it mattered he called me his wife, if that would soften them more I didn't care at all. I was sure that he could get at least one of the holidays off. Then I would've understood they wanted him at the hospital on the other holidays. But now he'd missed everything.

He missed Thanksgiving. The amazing turkey my mom made in our kitchen. The great night we had with James and Carlos, Katie and her new boyfriend Dak Zevon -yeah, I was surprised too-, mom and Mr. Bitters. I was glad Logan was still around when she told me that, because I fainted.

And Keira, Kegan and Lizzy. I loved all three of them so much. Keira was now 5 and a half years old, still blonde haired and brown eyed. Only she wasn't a baby anymore. She was a little girl now. A little girl that looked extremely much like her father, something that was hurting me a lot. It wasn't for who she was. She just was incredibly much like him, and that only made me miss him more. She was such a sweetheart. She hardly ever picked up a fight with Kegan and was a better sister to him than I could've hoped for. It was amazing to see them playing together. I loved her.

Kegan would turn four in a few weeks, he and Lizzy shared the same birthday. For such a small boy he had incredibly much energy. It was weird, and if he didn't look like me so much I would've suspected Carlos to be the father. But he did look like me. A lot. He wasn't an exact copy of me like Keira was of Logan, but still... He resembled me more than Logan, which was quite nice. His brown hair had grown until it reached his eyebrows and almost covered his eyes. Every time we suggested to cut it off he started screaming and hit in his bed -James much? He played soccer a lot and I was already dreaming of being the coach of his team, even though I'd no idea how to play soccer. I'd been too focused on hockey to pay much attention to that sport. Kegan tried to explain it to me, but the fact that he didn't really know it either and that he didn't always make understandable sentences yet made it quite difficult. I would just do some research online sometime and watch a game or two with Kegan. We would figure it out. Kegan was the most affectionate of all three children. He was the one that came to me for hugs most. I loved him.

Lizzy was... A beauty. It was ridiculous. She was just a three year old, but I suspected her mother to be a supermodel. I wouldn't be surprised if Lizzy became one someday. She'd long silver blond hair and large light blue eyes. She was built more like an child than a toddler. James and Carlos were both immensely proud of her. Not only because she was so pretty, but also because she was kind. She wasn't nearly as shy as Keira was and was quite adventurous. When I found out the two three year olds climbed over the fence between our house and James' and Carlos', I wasn't surprised to find out it had been all her idea. Although Kegan planned took the lead in the whole thing, climbing over it first and figuring out how to distract me. They were quite a pair together. But whatever she did, Lizzy always accepted the consequences. While Kegan protested if I sent her home, she would do as I asked her if I caught them doing something naughty. She was overall pretty accepting. She had quite a big scar herself so she effortlessly played with kids that had glasses or a wine spot. She was fiercely protective over them, while other children were only scared. Yeah, I loved her.

So after thanksgiving came his birthday on December 12. He told us he would be home on that day. Everyone was happy with that, now we could give him presents and attention and everyone hoped that once he realized how much he missed us and he would spend more time at home.

We all got gifts him gifts. Keira made a drawing, something I was quite surprised about when I found out, but she had talent for it. Her dolphin looked better than any drawing I ever made in my whole life. Kegan made something with clay. Something, I still hadn't figured out what it was. I got him a new necklace. It looked exactly the same as the one he lost and I was excited for him to see it. I just knew he was going to like it and then I could've the bracelet back, so I could look at it again. Something besides our wedding rings. I felt closer to Logan when I wore the bracelet. James, Carlos, mom and Katie had gifts too and I'd planned a party for that night with all our old friends from the Palm woods. I couldn't wait and was even more enthusiast about this than Keira and Kegan. Logan would spend time with us!

But it didn't work out that way. I woke up December 12 and Logan was gone. He wasn't in bed or in our bathroom or downstairs. He didn't even leave a note. I did know where he went though. His car keys and his bag with notebooks and encyclopedia was gone.

That was the first time I cried. I sat down at the kitchen table with my head in my hands and cried. I'd been so happy I finally got to spend time with him again. To see him for more than a few hours and kiss him and hold him again. I'd hoped Logan would see he missed us and try harder to see us more. I'd hoped to talk with Logan again. To have a real talk, not just a 'how was your day?' one. I wanted to tell him I loved him and how much I missed him. But that wasn't going to happen. Logan obviously didn't want to be here, otherwise he would've stayed. I called all our guests and told them that we called the party off. I talked with James and Carlos and managed to keep my tears in. They were taking Keira and Kegan somewhere for today and tonight they would sleep there so I could've the house for my own.

I spent most of that day crying. I wanted my Logie back. I called him several times, but he didn't respond. So instead I started going through all the picture books we had to look at pictures of him. I liked the ones of our wedding day most and kept looking at them until it hurt too much. I cried myself to sleep on the couch. It was the first time I actually slept without Logan.

He came home at five, like always and only noticed that something was going on when there was no dinner on the table and we weren't all patiently waiting for him. "Kendall, what's going on?" He'd asked annoyed. "I don't have time to cook my own food, why didn't you tell me earlier you weren't making anything so I could get take out somewhere?"

I had ignored what he said and changed subject. "Do you know what day it is?" I'd asked softly.

He was confused. "Thursday?"

"IT'S YOUR FUCKING BIRTHDAY!" I yelled.

He stared at me like I was crazy. "My birthday is tomorrow," He said irritated. "Today is the twel- oh."

"You said you would be here, Logan. I planned everything. We made a cake for you yesterday and now we were supposed to have dinner at James' and Carlos' house and after that your birthday party here, but, you know, YOU WERE NOT HERE!"

"Kendall, I-"

"No, don't Kendall me. We all were looking forward to spending time with you. Everyone had a present for you and was glad you were finally appearing around here again. Well, enjoy. James, Carlos, Keira, Kegan and Lizzy left their presents for you on the table, but you're not getting mine. You don't deserve it." After that I got up and walked past him up the stairs, slamming the door of our bedroom shut.

This had been the first time we actually fought about this. Well, not really fought, the first time I yelled at him. I'd been lying in bed for about an hour when the door opened and Logan came in. Timidly, and slightly scared, but he did and sat down on the edge of the bed on my side. He put a hand on my back and started telling me how sorry he was and that he really didn't mean to do this. That he completely understood why I reacted this way and didn't blame me for it and more bullshit I believed at that moment. I'd been too desperate to think any of it and soon he was lying in my arms again.

We talked and talked and talked and I didn't even mind most of it was about the hospital. I had my Logie in my arms and he was talking with me, listening to what I said and occasionally stealing kisses from me. He was blushing and being adorable and irresistible and I couldn't do anything else but forgive him.

It didn't stop him from leaving again the following morning.

Christmas was even worse. I'd made him promise he was going to stay home. He promised. We made plans again. Christmas in our pj's in 2J. From Christmas eve to the end of Christmas day. We would all sleep there, the four of us sharing mine and Logan's old room and Carlos, James and Lizzy in theirs. We would get dressed in our pj's and walk around like that the whole day. Like always.

But Logan wasn't there. It was officially the first time in twenty years we celebrated Christmas without Logan. I couldn't avoid people this time, so I had to go to 2J with Keira and Kegan. At least one of their parents had to be there with them. Again all the presents for Logan were gathered in a big box so he could open them when he got the time. I didn't put mine in. When I couldn't give him the necklace on his birthday, I saved it for Christmas, but since he didn't show up again he wasn't getting it.

For a few minutes I'd considerate throwing it away. I didn't want him to wear it anymore. It was supposed to be a thing that brought us closer again, but when I looked at it now it only reminded me of the times Logan wasn't with us while he should've been. I hid it. In its box in the drawer of my night stand.

I guess Christmas went okay. Keira and Kegan both cried when they found out their daddy wasn't coming, but I managed to distract them with presents and cookies. Mom helped me with that and we had a great time for the kids. I did have to talk to all the grownups when the children were sleeping though. They wanted to know why Logan wasn't here again and what I was going to do about it. "I can't really do anything guys. I asked him to stay home and come with us. He promised he was going to be here and he broke his promise again, just like with his birthday. I'll just yell at him again and put even more distance between us."

They were silent after that, none of them had noticed what caused this in the first place. I was glad about that. I didn't want to tell them we were failing at creating a baby we both desperately wanted. They would just tell me to move on. And I wanted to. I was more than ready to move on, but this wasn't about me. It was about Logan. He was hurting because it didn't work and took it out on us. I just didn't understand why.

So when Christmas was over and we went home I found Logan there. He had presents for all of us and dinner -Chinese take out- on the table. Keira and Kegan were really happy he finally was here again and spent time with us. Like I expected, he got them really great and expensive gifts, probably to ease his own mind. He got Keira a doll house with miniature figures of us and Kegan a slide for in his bedroom.

I didn't open my present. I made sure he was looking when I threw it away. I met his eyes shortly, before going upstairs and finishing some laundry or whatever else needed to be done. Logan didn't follow me and stayed downstairs to play with his children and open his own presents. It was the only good thing he did that day.

Once Keira and Kegan were in bed and sleeping he timidly came downstairs. I yelled at him again and this time he yelled back. It wasn't until he started crying that I stopped. He said he was sorry and that he really was going to be home for New Years Eve. I let it slide, again, but was a little less forgiving than on his birthday. I had him promise me he would be there and after that we had a pretty nice night.

We watched Nightmare on Christmas together, only Logan fell asleep halfway the movie. I spent the rest of the movie wondering where we'd gone wrong. I ran my fingers through his hair as I watched him sleeping in my embrace. I wished he would stay home more often so we could do this more, next to talking and spending time with our children. It was the first Saturday we didn't fuck. And I didn't mind. At. All.

Christmas holiday was awful. I now had both Keira and Kegan home all day and had to distract them all the time to avoid them asking for Logan. It was hard. Ever since his birthday he'd started working even more and often skipped dinner. I tried talking to him when he came home, but it was no use. He was always too tired to really pay attention and the next day he just did it again.

Luckily, New Years Eve was coming closer and we -James, Carlos, mom and I- started making plans to go to the Palm Woods and watch Mr. Bitters fire work show. But then Logan made other plans.

"Kendall, we're going to the New Year's party of the hospital," He'd announced on the December 30 after we were done with our little nightly routine.

"That sucks, because I already made plans for tomorrow."

"Without asking me?" He asked unbelievably.

"You're never here and don't answer your cell, how could I've asked?"

"I am here often enough! This is really important, Kendall. If I don't go it will ruin my reputation."

"Does that reputation include ignoring your friends and family, because then you're doing an amazing job."

"Jeez, Kendall. Can you never stop talking about that?"

"I would if YOU WERE HERE TO SPEND TIME WITH US! I actually would've gone with you if you were here the last two, no three, times you said you would be here on the holidays."

He was silent after that and turned his back on me. "A relationship only works if two people put effort in it, Logan. But now it's only me."

It was the first night I fell asleep without Logan in my arms, without any kind of pills or having a nightmare or crying. The next morning he was gone before the sun rose. His tuxedo was gone too and I knew not to expect him tonight. I didn't cry. I had known last night not to get my hopes up. Neither Keira or Kegan was really faced by it, they were getting used to not having Logan around. I didn't get used to it. I missed him more and more every day. I didn't show it though. The only time I cried was in the shower. It became my usual twenty minutes of crying.

New Years Eve sucked. Keira and Kegan had the time of their lives. They got to stay up with the adults all night and count down to the New Year. They absolutely loved the firework, while Lizzy was terrified and hid in James' arms. No, this time I was the only one that couldn't enjoy the festivities. It hurt so much to watch all the couples kiss at midnight. I wanted that too.

January passed relatively normal. Logan kept up his habit of working more and more, but showed up three times a week to eat dinner with us and have his fuck. And I kept holding on. I was almost completely working on autopilot. I woke up at 6, showered, woke Keira up to get her ready for school, woke Kegan up and took them both down for breakfast, dropped Kegan off with James or Carlos, brought Keira to school, picked Kegan and Lizzy up so James or Carlos -depended who had to start later- could go to work, come home and do whatever needed to be done in the household, worked on my garden -I needed a new hobby okay?-, make lunch for Kegan and Lizzy, played a game with them, took them to the supermarket, picked Keira up from school, brought Lizzy home, listened to what Keira said about what she learned that day at school, made dinner for the four of us, brought Keira and Kegan to bed, did the dishes, watched the 8 o'clock news, took another shower -I had nothing else to do and wanted to cry- and went to bed, lying awake until I heard the front door open and close.

And the next day I did it all over again. Until now. Friday February 13.

I felt the hot tears sliding down my cheeks as I leaned against the wall of the shower. Tomorrow was valentine's day. Logan hadn't said one word about it. Not that we talked often at all, but still. This was fucking valentine's day. I wanted to be a disgustingly cute and romantic couple. I fantasized about having dinner together with candles and wine. I would pull his chair back for him and hold his hand. I wanted to hug him and kiss him. And I wanted to make love to him. Real love. With foreplay and soft touches and kisses. With holding each other close, as if we would die if we didn't touch each other. I wanted to make him feel good again. Because obviously he didn't feel good at all.

I turned the shower off and stepped out of the cabin. I looked into the mirror and saw the same 27 year old guy as always. I was still blonde, I still had green eyes. My eyebrows and nose were still too big to fit my face. I was still tall. I was still toned. The only difference was the tan color on my arms and shoulders from working in the garden so much.

I dried myself, thinking of the things I was going to do today to distract myself from Logan. Carlos was home today, so I didn't have to take care of Lizzy. Kegan would probably want to play with her and be over there all day, since Lizzy wanted to be around her dad for a change.

That meant I was going to be alone all day, unless I went over to spend some time with Carlos. Which could actually be nice. Carlos had found a job as a stunt double for an actor in a very popular series, that had to do a lot of weird stuff. He had a lot of fun doing it, but took days of to be with his kid and husband. Like I wanted Logan to do. James had a contract as a runway model with 'Cuda. He had irregular working times, but was sometimes home for two months.

I sighed again and started drying myself. Four years ago it had been the other way around. They were having troubles while we were doing amazing. Secretly I really wanted to go back there again, even if it meant putting James and Carlos through that again. I just wanted my Logie back.

I got into some clothes and took a look at my watch; six thirty. I had to hurry if I wanted to get Keira at school in an hour. I went to her room and switched on the light. I first picked out some clothes for her, before going over to her bed and waking her up. "Keira, it's time to get up, honey."

She opened her eyes tiredly and nodded. She crawled out of bed and let me help her with her clothes. She went to the bathroom after that to brush her teeth and I went to Kegan's room to get him up too.

He was already awake and sitting on the ground, playing with some toy cars. "Hi, buddy." I picked him up and put him on his dresser. "Did you have nice dreams?" I asked as I pulled his pj's off.

"Yes. About me and you and Keira and Lizzy and daddy. We were dancin'."

"What kind of dance, Kegan?"

"The circle one."

"Aha, I see."

"And you and daddy were holding hands still when it was over." Knives. Don't cry, Kendall. He didn't know, it was just a dream. His, not even yours. It will all be fine again.

Once I had Kegan dressed I told him to go down stairs while I helped Keira with her hair. I was getting good with her hair, really. I could make braids and pony tails and comb her hair without hurting her. I even taught James and Carlos. Before Lizzy always came to me when she wanted pretty hair, but my friends got jealous and wanted to learn to do it themselves. Not surprisingly, James was better at it than Carlos, who quickly gave up.

I loved Keira's curls. They came past her shoulder blades, not because she didn't want to cut them off, she honestly didn't care. No, I didn't want it. Her hair was so soft and shiny and I wanted to cherish it. She would grow up and wouldn't let me touch it anymore.

I didn't really have time to do something complicated and just put her hair together in two ponytails. I took her downstairs and made breakfast for us, just cornflakes. I made lunch for Keira and put it in her backpack.

When they were both done I grabbed the keys and walked to Carlos. He opened the door for us, letting Kegan go past him. "Lizzy's still upstairs, Kegan. We were a little late this morning, but you can go to her if you want," Carlos yelled after him. Kegan was already up the stairs, happy to go and see his friend.

"Are you okay with having the two of them all day?" I asked him. It wasn't often they were not at my house.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," He said. "I've to go the store later today, though. Can I drop them with you then?"

"Sure. Well, we've to go now, so..."

"Okay. But stop by when you get back. We need to talk," He said sternly. I frowned, wondering what that was about, but I stopped thinking quickly. I would find out soon enough.

I nodded. We said goodbye and I took Keira back to the car. Here came another story. Keira was never really... excited to go to school. I knew most children weren't, but Keira was different. She never said anything about the other children in her class, or friends she made. She only told things about the things she learned and showed me the drawings and other things she made.

It worried me. The older she got, the more she looked and acted like Logan. And Logan had always loved school. As long as she didn't come home crying I figured she was fine. Just shy. I was going to talk to her teacher soon, anyway.

We reached the school and Keira got out after giving me a kiss on my cheek and a 'Logie love.' I waited until I saw her walking into the school before driving away. I still remembered her first day of school. Luckily Logan was still with us when that happened otherwise I wouldn't have been able to let her go. If I'd been alone that day I would've taken her home. She was so sad and I couldn't stand to see her like that. I only left her there because Logan blackmailed me. It was no fun.

I tried to think of something to do before I went home. I really didn't want to talk to Carlos. Even though he hadn't said what exactly he wanted to talk about, I had the idea I wasn't going to like it. I sighed as I realized I couldn't avoid this.

I drove home, not wasting anymore time. I might as well get this over with. I parked the car in front of my house and went straight to James' and Carlos' house. Yeah, I referred to Logan's and my place as 'my house', since Logan wasn't there often enough to call it his home.

I opened the door of their house and was met with Kegan, who had apparently been waiting behind the door. "Hi, baby."

"Papa, are you going to play a game with me?"

"Maybe later, Kegie. I've to talk with Carlos for a bit. Why aren't you playing with Lizzy?"

He pulled a face. "Lizzy wanted to play with barbies, but I don't like barbies."

I chuckled. "Isn't there something like a male barbie?"

Carlos appeared from the kitchen. "Yeah, it's called Kendall."

It took a moment before I understood. "Oh, ha-ha. You're so funny. I know it's called Ken."

"I know," Carlos said, still grinning.

"Go play with male barbie, Kegan." My son walked away reluctantly, not happy I sent him off to play with barbies.

"You. Kitchen. Now," Ordered Carlos and turned around. I followed him, almost as reluctant as Kegan was. I sat down at the table while Carlos poured coffee in two cups.

I stared at my wedding ring and wondered what he wanted to talk about. I was almost sure Carlos would start about Logan. "When are you going to kill yourself?" He asked as he sat down next to me at the table.

"W-what?"

"Exactly what I said, when do you plan on killing yourself? Not this month, please, we're too busy to have a funeral."

I looked at him incredulously. "I wasn't planning on killing myself."

"You do look like you want to."

"Why would I want to?"

"Because Logan practically left you?"

I looked away, feeling tears sting in my eyes once again. It was so real when someone else said it too. Carlos sighed. "You should really do something about this, Kendall," He said softly.

"I know" I whispered.

"Then why don't you?"

"I do! He just doesn't listen to me!"

"Make him listen!"

"I tried! I tried fucking everything!"

Carlos hesitated for a moment. "Then kick him out," He suggested.

My eyes widened. "What?" I asked shocked.

"You heard me. Kick him out. Not for real, I know you would never give up on Logan, but just as a threat. Don't tell him that it's a threat though."

"I don't know, Carlos. I don't think I want that."

"It might be the only way to show him he's going too far. Let him feel he's going to lose you. I'm 50% sure he'll beg you on his knees to take him back."

"Only 50?"

"Yeah well, or he's going to beg you if he can please come back or he's going to kill himself. I'm not sure yet."

"Yeah, that did not make me feel better."

"I was kidding, Kendall. He won't go that far. We all know Logan, he wouldn't do that. Just... Kick him out. Not all of a sudden, but when you're fighting again, and I'm sure you'll be fighting again soon enough. James and I are standing behind you."

I turned my head up and stared at Carlos, losing myself in my thoughts. I wanted Logan back and maybe the only way was to lose him first. Just to show him I was being serious about this. Maybe if he got scared enough he would see what he was missing out on and come back to us. If it meant I had to put on a show and kick him out, I would do it.

I didn't want to go on like this any longer. I wanted to have him back in my life, to have him next to me when I woke up, to eat breakfast with him and kiss him good morning after he had his coffee. I wanted to spend some time together again. If this worked I would've my Logie back. The one thing I wanted most. My sweetie back in my arms, under my hands, eating my food, cuddling with me, kissing me, loving me.

And I wouldn't let him go this time. I was going to do everything I could to keep him with me. I needed him. He had to come back to me.

"How do you suggest I should do this again?" I asked softly, not entirely sure I want to go on with this plan yet.

"Don't drop the bomb all of a sudden, wait until you two are fighting again, tell him you had enough and that you're not sure if you want him around anymore. He'll probably start pleading or whatever and that's your chance. You know, this might actually be good for you too, some time apart from all this."

I nodded slowly and stared at the table. I didn't want to lose Logan, but if he took this serious and found out this had only been a threat, he would be pissed. I didn't want him angry, I want him scared. If he was angry at me he wouldn't come back.

No. Logan's mind didn't work that way.

"Are you and James going to help him if he asks you if he can stay here for a night?" I asked.

"Depends on what you want," Carlos told me. "It might be good if he wasn't here though, easier for you."

"If he asks... Then let him in," I said softly. I didn't want him to sleep on the street or something. I didn't think he would go to James and Carlos, maybe only when there really wasn't anywhere else to go. But he had his own car, there were enough beds at the hospital or he could rent a room somewhere. He wouldn't dare to come to either one of our friends and family, too afraid they might turn him down too.

"You know what's coming up, right?" Carlos asked quietly.

"Valentine's day? I gave up on that a long time ago Carlos, I didn't even bother to plan something for tomorrow."

"Yeah, about that, can you watch Lizzy for a day? And a night?" He asked awkwardly.

"Sure," I sighed. "It's not like I've anything better to do."

"Thanks, man. But this wasn't really what I meant. Kegan's and Lizzy's birthday is coming up, did you tell him about that yet?"

"No, I didn't. I was planning on doing that last night, but he went to the library before I could even open my mouth. You don't think he'll skip their birthday, right?"

It was one thing to go to work on family events, it was completely different to go on the birthday of your kid. I didn't think Logan would go that far. That's just one step too far. That would be like betrayal. And Kegan wouldn't enjoy his birthday at all. It would shatter my little boy completely. I didn't want that, not on his birthday. Not ever. Kegan didn't deserve that, he was just a kid. I had to make sure Logan stayed that day. He had too.

"I don't know, Kendall. You said he forgot about his own birthday, why not forget Kegan's too? And it's not like he feels guilty about it, otherwise he would've come back a long time ago. You really have to convince him to stay this time. It's not gonna be pretty when Kegan finds out Logan left again."

"I know," I mumbled. "And if he does... I'm going to kick him out. Because that was your plan right?"

Carlos looked down ashamed. "I just have the feeling Logan will go to work that day. If he does... I think he doesn't deserve it to stay with you guys."

I looked at Carlos for a long time. I was wondering if I agreed with him or not. I decided I did. It was worth the risk if I could've my Logie back. "Alright. I'm going to kick him out."

* * *

><p><strong>That is it for now. I already am halfway the second chapter and the third is already done, so it shouldn't take me too long to update. Maybe tomorrow or the day after.<strong>

**And guys… I was a little disappointed in the reviews I got for the last chapter of ICWPS. I got six AMAZING reviews, from six of my most loyal reviewers and I was really happy with those. But over ninety people followed that story and then I get six reviews? I'm glad with what I get and I don't write for anyone but myself, but that didn't feel… good. I worked for over a month on that last chapter and know I'm feeling like you don't even like it. That's okay, of course. But you could tell me that too…**

**Alright, I'm done complaining :) I hope you did like this chapter! **


	2. Chapter 2

I sighed and opened my eyes. Today was Kegan's and Lizzy's birthday. They'd been looking forward to this for weeks and were really excited. I almost couldn't get Kegan to sleep last night. We planned a small birthday party for them. Just our two families, my mom and Mr. Bitters and Katie and Dak. My sister was going to get married. Unbelievable, right?

And Logan would be here. He promised me and I reminded him every time I saw him and got the chance. It was impossible he could forget. Kegan made him promise too. About a week ago he asked me if he could call Logan to ask him to come home for his birthday. I'd been listening the whole time they talked. Logan promised Kegan.

Keira and Kegan were used to it by now that Logan wasn't here. They didn't think it was weird he was gone so much. It was sad if you thought about it, but I had this rather than two crying children that wanted their daddy. Less painful for me. Kegan did want Logan here on his birthday though. It would be too cruel if Logan actually went to work then, but luckily he wouldn't. He promised me and he promised Kegan. His son, his little boy.

But then I turned on my back and saw the empty space next to me. "Oh, no. Please, not now. You've got to be kidding me," I muttered and kicked the blankets off of me. 'He's just using the bathroom, Kendall. He promised,' I thought and quickly checked our connected bathroom. Empty. I flew out of the room. I had to catch Logan before he left. He couldn't do this. Not today.

I ran down the stairs, being quiet because I didn't want to wake Keira and Kegan. I released my breath I was holding when I found him in the kitchen, making coffee, already fully dressed. That should've alarmed me.

"Hey, Logie," I said happily and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, nuzzling my face in his hair. I didn't get to do this often and cherished every chance I got to hold him.

"Hey. There's some coffee left if you want some," He said absentmindedly.

"Hmm. Maybe later," I whispered and kissed his cheek, tightening my hold on him.

"Kendall, not now. I've to go in a minute," He said irritated and shook me off.

I stood there frozen as he went to the fridge and started to make himself lunch. "You what?" I asked breathlessly.

"I have to go. To the hospital. It's really important, an accident or something. They called an hour ago."

"You don't even remember, do you?" I asked him incredulously.

"Remember what? Kendall, I don't have time for games, I've to go, so make it quick."

I stared at him. This was it. Logan left on Kegan's birthday. The birthday of his youngest child. The little boy that asked him to stay, that missed him and wanted him home on his birthday. He couldn't do this.

I took a deep breath. This was the moment Carlos told me about. The moment I should use to kick Logan out. Well, here we go. I wasn't going to let him get away with this.

"It's Kegan's birthday today," I said softly, looking at the ground. This was going to hurt.

"That's today?" He asked, his eyes widening. "But, I- I really have to go."

"You can't do this, Logan. Not now," I said desperately. He promised to be home more, he promised to be here all day. I couldn't tell Kegan he went to work on his birthday!

"I don't have a choice, Kendall. I can't stay away when it's this busy. There was a bus crash and-"

"I don't fucking care! It's Kegan's birthday! Remember, your son? The little boy you gave birth to three years ago? You can't go on his birthday, Logan. It's his birthday! You promised him and me to be here today!"

"So I'm supposed to let those people die?"

"That's not what I'm saying! Don't you guilt trip me. Please don't go, Logan, we miss you."

"Kendall, I can't just say no when I'm this close to my exams! If I don't go now, I'll never get that job."

"Fuck the job! It only means that you keep staying away from us!"

"So now you don't want me to pursue my dream anymore?"

"I was okay with that as long as I got to have you! Because you are my dream! Half a year, Logan! You've been working for 157 days straight!"

"I warned you! I told you I would get really busy around this time before I didn't even started med school!"

"I know and I understand, but I thought you would at least try to make free time every few weeks, but you don't. You don't even fucking try! You just go to work! You know what? If you love it so much, why don't you just stay there, because if you don't even want to take a day off for Kegan's birthday, I don't want you around my children anymore." I had no idea what happened, but suddenly I was angry. No sadness, no hope, no pain. I was just furious Logan would leave now. I wanted him out of my house. Now.

He looked at me with eyes wide in fear. So losing Keira and Kegan brought a reaction up? "They're my children too," He whispered.

"You don't even know them anymore. We're not here just to wait for you, until you finally make time for us or spend one hour with us while your half asleep. We're not an instant family you can stay at when it's a good time for you."

"You c-can't keep them away from me."

"You bet I can. Just go, Logan. If you don't want to be here, you shouldn't. Leave, if you'd rather work than celebrate Kegan's birthday." Where did this come from? Why was I suddenly so angry? How could I just tell him to go away without crying. I loved Logan! Then what the fuck was I doing now!

He came up to me and tried to hug me, but I didn't let him and stepped back. He tried again and I turned around. "Kendall, don't do this, please," He pleaded. Since when did I ignore Logan when he wanted a hug? Since when did I deny Logan anything?

Logan walked around me. "I can do what I want, you do the exact same thing. Logan let go!" I snapped when he fisted my shirt and held onto me almost desperately.

"You can't, Kendall, please don't make me choose." His one hand gripped my shirt tighter while the other moved to my chest.

"You know when the last time was you touched me? Yeah, that's right, I don't remember either. And you know what? I don't even miss it anymore. This feels normal, like a touch from James or Carlos. Who were actually here, while you weren't. It doesn't feel like you anymore. I'm not used to you anymore. I don't need you anymore to sleep. I managed to do everything alone with our kids and the house. I'm now really doubting if I do need you all together." All lies. I needed Logan. Him touching me like that felt amazing. I still can't sleep without him. Of course I could use help with cleaning the house. He had to help me with Keira and Kegan, because they were getting worse in their behavior than ever. They needed him too.

"No, Kendall. Don't go there, I need you, I want you. I love you, please don't leave me," He sobbed. And the crying started. It'd always worked. Just not now. I didn't believe it anymore. He was in tears every time we fought, and every time they were proved to be a lie.

"Just leave. I don't want you here. James, Carlos and I will make Kegan's birthday work without you."

He whimpered and came up to me again. His beautiful were filled with tears and he was about to fall forward again to hug me, but I stepped back, letting him stumble into the table. He didn't give up yet and walked up to me again, but I was done now and pushed him away from me.

I had never done that before. Not once did I use physical strength to push him away from me. I'd never tried to actually hurt him, not even now. Logan was staring at me with wide terrified eyes. He too wasn't used to this either. Never in a million years did he expect me to do something like this.

But I was done. I was fucking done with Logan. The pain I gave him with this, was nothing compared to what I've been feeling for four months. Four months of completely no Logan. That was hell for me. Logan knew how much I needed him, how much he meant to me, how much I love him. I hoped James and Carlos were right about this and Logan would really come back to me. I wouldn't survive if he didn't come back to us; to me.

"I'm fucking done, Logan! Get the hell out!" I yelled furiously.

He finally understood and backed up. He still had tears on his face, but they didn't do anything to me anymore. Logan sobbed, but I didn't budge and stared him down until he hung his head and left. Two minutes later I heard his car starting and driving away.

I sat down on a chair at the table, my face in my hands and sobbing silently. I chased Logan away. I really kicked him out. How could I do that? Now he thought I didn't want to be with him anymore. That wasn't true, I still needed him more then anything. I loved him so much and missed him so bad. I already wanted to grab my phone and beg Logan to come back to me. That it would all be okay and he would be forgiven if he just came back to me.

But no. I was going to hold on. Logan had to understand how it was to feel he was going to lose us. He was going to come back within a few days and he'd beg me if he could please stay with us. Just like James and Carlos said he would.

"Papa! Papa! It's my birthday!" Kegan sang while he climbed down the stairs.

I quickly wiped my eyes and ran a hand through my hair. "Happy birthday, buddy!" I said when he turned the corner to the kitchen. He ran over and I lifted him high into the air.

He laughed and stuck his arms out to me. "When are we going to open presents?" He asked eagerly when I brought him down again to set him in my lap.

"Hm. I don't know yet. Maybe I'll make you wait another year, than you'll have twice as much presents for your next birthday."

"No!" He exclaimed.

"Of course not, Kegie. We'll wait until Keira is out of bed too and then you can open your presents. I kissed his head and wrapped my arms a bit tighter around him, bracing myself for what would come next.

"Where's daddy, papa? In the shower?" I looked down and met with my baby boy's beautiful brown eyes staring at me hopeful.

Logan promised him to be here. He promised. "Daddy had to go, Kegan," I said softly. The hopeful eyes filled with tears and he leaned against me.

"But it's my birthday," He whimpered. "He said he would he here today." Tears flowed down his cheeks while he looked up at me, eyes still hopeful, maybe he thought I was making some kind or joke.

"It was really important, Kegie, but maybe you can call him now." He nodded and buried his face in my chest, sobbing quietly. I held him against me tightly while my own tears came up too. Logan promised. He broke his promise. Again. I've no idea why I was defending him. I dialed the Logan's cell phone number for Kegan and put it on speaker. I wanted to hear how Logan got himself out of this one.

He answered immediately. "Kendall? What's wrong?"

"Daddy! It's me!" Kegan said with his voice still choked.

"Hey, baby! Happy b-birthday!" He exclaimed fake-happy. "Did papa give you your present already?"

"No." Kegan shook his head. "I don't want the present anymore."

I raised my eyebrows and heard the same confusion in Logan's voice. "Why not, buddy?"

"I want you to be home instead of the presents," He whispered. "Daddy, come home for me?" He begged.

"I- I... I can't, Kegan. I'm so sorry." Kegan didn't answer, but instead climbed off my lap and ran away.

I shook my head and ended the call. I didn't have anything to say to Logan. Kegan was already up the stairs and went into his room. I ran after him and followed him into his room. He was in his bed under the blanket, crying badly. I closed the door behind me and sat on the edge of his bed. I stroked his back, but he didn't respond to my touch at all. I laid down next to him and pulled him with blanket and all against me.  
>He finally acknowledged me and curled into a ball, with his head on my arm. I wrapped the other one around him too and held him tightly. I said nothing. I didn't know what to say, nothing would make this better. I couldn't tell him it would be fine again, because I really didn't know if it was going to be fine. Logan wasn't here, he made everything feel okay. We needed him.<p>

Kegan spent a good half hour crying over Logan, before I managed to calm him down with the promise he could wear one of Logan's shirt today. It would look like more of a dress on him, but I had to make this day one of the best of his short life, even without Logan. So I got him a shirt Logan had worn recently and would still smell like him a bit. Kegan was really sad about Logan not being here and still had tears rolling down his little face every few minutes. I helped him into the shirt and smiled a bit about how cute he looked now.

Keira wasn't all that bothered Logan skipped something important again. She was used to it by now, Kegan was too young to realize that Logan does love him, but has to do this. Then again, I didn't understand how Logan could do this to us either. Keira probably just didn't care anymore or she kept it to herself. That was what Logan would do anyway. It made sense she would act like him, since she practically was him.

"Hello! We brought the birthday girl, now we wanna see the birthday boy!" Yelled James from downstairs. Oh, yeah. It was Lizzy's birthday too. And we would celebrate here. How fast could you forget something like that?

"Lizzie is here with James and Carlos, Kegan. Are you ready to go down?" Kegan nodded and came up to me, sticking his arms out for me. I picked him up and rested his head on my chest. I carried him down the stairs, where James, Carlos and Lizzie started singing when we came into view. Kegan got shy and hid his face in the crook of my neck.

"It's Lizzy's birthday too, do you remember, Kegie? Go give her a hug," I said and put him on the ground. He was still sad and hung his head as he walked over to her. He looked so small in Logan's shirt that almost came to the ground. His hands weren't visible under the sleeves. Lizzy however was bouncing in excitement and met Kegan halfway. "It's our bithday! It's our bithday!"

Kegan tried to smile, but only got tears in his eyes again. He turned away from Lizzy and ran back to me. He tripped over Logan's shirt and fell flat on his nose. He started crying even more and I quickly picked him up. He sobbed, making his little body shake and tremble.

I turned away from James and Carlos and went into the living room. I sat down on the couch, but didn't let go of Kegan for one second. "Why is Kegan crying?" Lizzy asked worriedly.

"Kegan's daddy is not here, sweetie. He's really sad about that," Carlos whispered.

"Are you going away too?" She asked them, her voice trembling.

"No, we're not, Lizzle," James reassured her. "Let's go to the kitchen. Do you want something to drink?"

Their voices faded away while I held my devastated baby boy. I guess seeing Lizzy with both of her parents was painful for him. After that phone call to Logan I knew exactly what he wanted most. I was really afraid to find out what would happen when he figured out Logan wasn't coming back for a while.

"Papa?" Keira asked when she came down stairs.

"In here, honey."

A few seconds later I saw Keira coming into the living room. She turned the corner and frowned when she saw Kegan crying. She climbed on the couch next to me and wrapped her arms around Kegan too. He looked up surprised, but when he saw it was just his sister he continued crying.

I took one arm from Kegan to wrap it around Keira and pulled her closer. She leaned into my side and rubbed Kegan's back. I was so proud of her for this. "Sweet girl," I whispered in her ear. "Thank you."

She smiled at me and snuggled a little closer. "I made a drawing for you, Kegan," Keira told her crying brother.

He sniffled and looked at her, tears still streaming down his face. "Do you want to see it?"

He nodded and Keira climbed off the couch. "Keke, can you bring some tissues too?" I asked her before she disappeared upstairs. Kegan shifted in my lap and put his head back on my chest. He wasn't crying anymore, but he did look a lot happier. I hoped I could distract him with his present later. I got him a bike. Keira got one for her last birthday and was really happy with it. Kegan was jealous and had been asking me and Logan for his own bike ever since.

Keira came back with her drawing and a handful of tissues. She gave them to me and hit the drawing behind her back. I wiped Kegan's nose and the tears from his cheeks. I kissed the top of his head and then waved Keira closer. Kegan sat up and leaned forward, a bit more eager than he showed before.

Keira took a step closer and gave Kegan the paper she'd been holding. He instantly started smiling. It was a funny picture, one of her and Kegan pulling weird faces. I remembered I saw them pulling doing faces a few nights ago when they were brushing their teeth together in the bathroom. I'd been a little irritated with it at the time, because they were supposed to clean their teeth, but weren't exactly doing that. They knew I didn't like it when they started doing those things around bedtime. But now I was glad they didn't let me stop them. It brought back the smile on Kegan's face.

"Do you like it?" Keira asked with a hopeful smile on her face.

Kegan nodded. "I want to put it above my bed! Can you do that, papa?"

"Sure, baby. Are you ready to eat cake now? It's Lizzy's birthday too, we can't make her wait too long."

Kegan nodded and slit off my leg. Keira took his hand and together they went to the kitchen, I followed them closely. James and Carlos already got drinks for everyone and were waiting impatiently around a big, white box. The box with the cake. Two chairs were decorated with balloons and garlands. "Look at that, Kegan. You've your own chair today next to Lizzy!" I said and pointed to it.

Kegan turned around, back to me and wrapped his little arms around my leg. "I want to sit with you, papa," He whispered and grabbed my hand.

I nodded. "I'll sit with you, Kegie. Don't worry."

We sat down at the table. I took the decorated chair and Kegan sat in my lap. Keira sat next to us and James, while Carlos was sitting next to Lizzy. "Who's excited to see the cake?" James asked and took hold of the box.

"Me!" Lizzy called. "I wanna see the cake!"

Kegan leaned forward too, interested in his birthday cake. I hoped he liked it. James and I went to a bakery together, trying to find a cake Lizzy and Kegan would both like. Eventually we picked one with Phineas and Ferb made of marzipan*. They watched it a lot.

James opened the box and turned it towards Kegan and Lizzy. Both of them started smiling. "I wanna eat his nose!" Lizzy said, pointing to the little red haired boy with a triangle shaped head.

"So you like it?" I asked them.

Lizzy almost screamed "Yes!" While Kegan only nodded his head and leaned back against me. James sliced the cake, giving Lizzy the piece she wanted with the nose.

"What do you want, Kegie? That piece with the green hair?" I ruffled his hair, making him squeak. "Or that one with the funny eyes?" I crossed my eyes. Kegan giggled, I was glad he was smiling.

"The part with the eyes," Kegan told me. James put it on a plate and shoved it towards him.

Once we all got a piece we ate it, James, Carlos and I finishing the leftovers of the kids.

"What time do your mom and Katie get here?" Carlos asked, when I got up to put the dishes away.

"At two I think," I answered. Now that the children weren't around me anymore it was really hard not to think about Logan. I just had to keep up my walls until tonight, when everyone was in their beds and I could break down.

Logan definitely wouldn't come back anytime soon. I would sleep in bed alone tonight. And tomorrow night. And the night after. I was sure I would be alone for at least three days. Even if Logan and I were barely even friends at the moment, I still loved him more than anything in the world. I cared and worried about him.

There were nights I felt like a total creeper for watching him as he slept. I wasn't supposed to feel like that when I was watching my own husband. I spent whole nights looking at Logan, wondering where we'd gone wrong. I didn't dare to touch him, I was too scared he would wake up and push me away. That would hurt.

"So we still have more than four hours to go?" Carlos asked.

James nodded. "Yeah. Kendall, we need to talk. What happened with-"

"Please, don't?" I asked softly, not looking at him. Instead I focused on the dishes that suddenly needed to be cleaned again.

"You have to talk about this. Remember last time when we didn't tell you everything? It didn't work out well."

"I'll talk to you guys. Just not today, okay? If I focus on Kegan and Lizzy and Keira I might make it until tonight. Then I'm going to break down and tomorrow I'll tell you what happened." I said it all like I was talking about someone else. I felt completely numb. I just wanted get through this day so I could lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep.

I felt a pair of hands turning me around and pulling me into a hug. Not a second later a second body came up next to me and wrapped his arms around me too. I'd no idea who was who, because I had my eyes closed. But I did know neither of them was my little Logie. The one person I wanted in my life so badly.

I let them hug me for a while, because it did feel nice to have two people that did care enough about me to sooth me when I was hurting. Unlike Logan. "He'll come back, Kendall. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but this week or maybe the one after that. He won't leave you ever again after that and you can go back to what you always had," Carlos muttered, always being optimistic.

I pulled away and looked at the ground, avoiding their eyes again. "Thanks, guys," I whispered. "Can you give me a minute? I'll be back..." I didn't give them the time to answer and turned around, walking away from them. After that little scene I could no longer keep my tears back. I just had to be alone for a bit, just to calm myself down again. And I knew just the place.

Instead of fleeing to my bedroom like I used to do when I was upset, I went outside into my garden. I was really proud of it. And I should be. Complete days I'd spent here to make it exactly like I wanted to have it. Flowers and plants everywhere, planted in neat rows and in the right color pattern. Red roses went over in pink orchids and yellow daffodils. I'd over forty different kinds of plants here and was truly happy with how it worked out. I was a lot less happy when I thought of the inspiration for this project that turned out so beautifully.

I'd managed to keep one part of it to myself though. There was a big hedge in the garden that separated my garden from the play field I created in the back. At some point when I was cutting the hedge, I noticed I had created a little 'room' in it. It took a while before I found the opening, but when I did, I discovered an open space in between the hedge and the fence that separated our back yard from James' and Carlos'.

That same day I found a destination for it and started to work on it. It took me a week to finish it, but I was happy with the outcome. I made the small space a little larger and planted dahlias in it, Logan's favorite flower. I put pictures in waterproof frames and placed them on the fence, where they created a large wall of pictures. On the ground were two pillows. One of them has never been seated on before.

It was Logan's. But I wasn't going to show him this until I was ready for it. Until I'd forgiven him.

This is where I went now. Never did anyone find this place. I hid the opening well. It was the only other place next to the shower where I allowed myself to cry.

I quickly climbed in it and already felt better. This place meant so much to me. I sat on my pillow and pulled my legs up to my chest, staring at the empty pillow in front of me. I closed my eyes, not liking the symbolic of it at all.

I imagined to be somewhere else, far back in time. I remembered all the times Logan kissed me before he left to work. I remembered the times he sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night to cry, because he dreamed about another baby we had together. I remembered when he would come home from work, ate with us and then took a shower, because he had no homework to do. Once the kids would lie in their beds he came down in his pajamas and cuddle with me on the couch.

Or the times he would just come to me after dinner to tell me he loved it when I cooked meals and kiss me softly. Sometimes he was done earlier than expected at the hospital. He would come home then and help me with the laundry or cleaning or cooking, whatever I was doing. We would joke and laugh and talk and it was so amazing.

Or even smaller things. Like the hand he put on my back sometimes when he past me to go somewhere. Or the coffee he used to make for me before he left to work. In the beginning when he had to work over he always apologized with something sweet. He would come home with flowers or cupcakes for all of us.

All those things mattered so much to me. It was stuff Logan did without me having asked him for it. It still felt like he wanted to be here, instead of something he needed to do. And as long as Logan showed he would rather be with us than at work, it was okay. I didn't mind when he had to work over or did a colleague favor. Because in the end, Logan would come home to me. Always.

I opened my eyes and looked at the empty pillow. Once the big empty spot in my heart was filled, that pillow would be filled too.

I wiped my tears away and got up. It'd spent enough time in here for today. I had to make sure it was a great day for Kegan and Lizzy. Maybe if we gave them their presents now, I could distract myself for the rest of the morning by teaching Kegan how to ride a bike. That would probably entertain him and Lizzy for the rest of the day too.

When I told James and Carlos of the bike I got for Kegan, they changed their plans and got Lizzy a bike too. Now they could ride them together, like they always did everything together. Like Logan and I used to do everything together too...

I climbed out of my secret place and walked back to my house. Because now, it was more my house than ever.

* * *

><p><strong>*I don't know how it works exactly in other countries with birthday cakes, but my mom always went to a bakery and got me a cake with cartoon figures on it or other stuff I liked at the moment. Always made of marzipan. Yum!<strong>

**Oh man! I already wrote two chapters that didn't end with Kendall and Logan falling asleep! Well. That happened. Hope you liked it! No, of course you don't like it. Kendall kicked Logan out, no Kogan lover likes that... Just tell me what you think of it :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**So, I wanted to update yesterday. And I said chapter three was already written. It is already written, but former chapter three is now chapter five. I just had to do something from Logan's POV. And I didn't put everything I wanted in the last chapter, so there's coming another one from Kendall's POV. I'm pretty confident I will have that ready by tomorrow.**

* * *

><p>I curled up a little more, but whatever I tried I just couldn't get warm. I knew exactly why. I lost the person I loved most. I lost fucking everything and it was all my fault.<p>

I wished I'd done better. I wished I'd watched out for this. I wanted so bad to turn all of this around or go back in time to stop myself from going to med school. It wasn't worth it. Nothing is worth it when I don't have Kendall.

I felt more tears stinging in my eyes and didn't try to stop them from falling. I missed him so much. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I lost him. It always seemed impossible; losing Kendall. I mean, we were always so close, he meant more to me than anything in the world. I loved him and I wanted him back.

I shivered and pulled the blanket over my head. I needed Kendall. I was always warm when I was with Kendall. I loved it when he held me. When he wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tightly, like he expected me to float away if he let me go. Which was probably true, because I did push myself away from him.

I wanted Kendall back so badly. It was the only thing I could think about. He'd always been so good to me. Whatever happened, he was there for me. He did whatever it took to make me happy. His touch, his kiss, his hug; everything felt so good. Kendall was perfect. I couldn't believe I pushed him away. That I ignored all he did for me.

He did everything for me. Before Thanksgiving he never said one thing about my work schedule. He just took it and made the best of it. He made me meals and did my laundry. He always waited with sleeping until I was home, I knew this because he always pretended to be sleeping when I sneaked into our bedroom, but after six years of marriage I could tell when he was pretending or not.

And until New Years Eve he still held me in his arms when we were sleeping. I would give everything to have that now. I should've realized back then that something was wrong. That they were slipping away from me. That Kendall fell asleep without me that night, while I was pretty sure he always had to hold me before he could fall asleep, it was a sign. That was also the moment Keira and Kegan no longer asked me to stay with them for a day.

But I let it happen. I was the cause of it. I no longer had a family and it was all my own fault. I lost everything with Kendall. I couldn't go to James and Carlos, because they would side with Kendall. I certainly couldn't go to Jennifer or Katie, because they would kill me. And I hadn't seen either of them in the last five months. I could try Camille or one of my other old friends from the Palm woods, but once I explained to them what I did none of them would help me.

Sure, I knew a lot of people at the hospital. I had to, because I had to have contacts when I tried to get a job as a doctor. But they weren't my friends. There were some colleagues I was friendly with, but most of them were my competitors.

And my babies. My little daughter and son. I couldn't even start to describe how much it hurt to have lost them. I missed them so much. Keira's sweetness, Kegan's enthusiasm. They didn't deserve this. They were innocent in all this, and so was Kendall. The only thing he did was protecting them and himself against me. It was me who cause all this.

More hot tears escaped my eyes. How pathetic was I? I mean, I was crying over something I caused myself. I should be fixing it. I should go back home and beg Kendall to forgive me and take me back. At least then I would be doing something useful.

But I was too scared. What if I went back and Kendall just kicked me out again? What if I went home and he gave me divorce papers already signed by him? I couldn't take that. I needed Kendall. I wanted nothing more than to go home and show him I still loved him. I just hurt and disappointed him so much I wasn't sure he ever wanted to see me again.

That is also why I didn't pick up my phone when he called. I was so scared he would tell me he wanted a divorce and custody over Keira and Kegan. I figured that if I just didn't answer the calls he couldn't tell me he wanted that. Then maybe, if he had some time to calm down, he would think about this again and want me back in his life.

I stared at my wedding ring, hating how it didn't fit around my finger anymore. I still remember when he gave it to me. The silverish color shined so brightly in the sun I couldn't see the ring at all until he put it on my finger. It fitted perfectly back then. And the inscription... _I love you, my sweetie._

What was the last time I told him I loved him? I couldn't even remember. And our last real kiss? No idea. I wasn't even going to think about the last time we made love. That was too long ago. Kendall needed those things. He craved them. He couldn't go long without a little sign of love from me. He ached for it; a kiss, a hug, cuddling together under a blanket. It was like air to him. And I knew it. Then why did I deny him that?

The last time I did something like this was six years ago; the months after our little encounter in the pool. I had an excuse back then. I'd been pregnant. I certainly wasn't pregnant now. If I was this wouldn't have happened. Now I was just a jerk that cared more about his work than his family. An amazing family that I shouldn't have hurt so badly, then maybe I might've had a chance they would take me back.

I hated I was the cause of this. How could I even take it this far? Where did it change? Oh, I knew where everything changed. It began when love making turned into fucking. I should've known we wouldn't succeeded with that. I didn't know exactly how I received and got pregnant yet, but I did know we created Keira on one of the best moments in our relationship. We had no idea what day it was when the condom broke and we got Kegan, but it was after Jett happened and Kendall and I were both happy our lives were getting back on track.

We made love to get them. Of course it wouldn't be so easy now, with the damage the doctor made to my womb, but I was sure that if we tried it would work out. Like always. It had been me to suggest we would try to have another baby. Kendall, my sweet fool, was willing to do whatever to make me happy. It had been me to make a schedule of nights we would've sex on.

Ever since the first time we'd sex, it was all about pleasing the other and showing how much you loved the other. It only happened when both of us felt like it -which was often-, but when I wrote down the days it became something we had to do. It was no longer a choice. After a few weeks, I didn't even come anymore. I hated it. It hurt both physically and emotionally when Kendall thrust into me. He worked so hard to make do everything as I wanted to have it.

I think I started taking all the stuff he did for me as normal. It wasn't of course. I don't know what it was, but my relationship with Kendall felt so much more intense then the relationships other couples around us shared. Kendall did a lot for me. If it wasn't for him I would be dead now. I'd no idea what it was or why, but Kendall used to love me insanely much.

He didn't even try to hide it. He always showed it to everyone. If we came somewhere for the first time, Kendall's arm was around my waist to show everyone I was taken. He held my hand in public, he kissed my cheek if we were waiting in line in the supermarket, he whispered 'I love you's' in my ear even when a room full of people was watching us. No, Kendall never tried to hide how much he loved me.

Also when we were alone, Kendall couldn't help himself. Playing footsie under the table when we were eating, holding my hand, hugging me randomly, always kissing me somewhere when he left a room, holding me when we were sleeping...

He didn't even need me for that anymore. Kendall could sleep without me. Those moments at night were so precious to me. It were the moments I really felt like he needed me. Kendall was always so strong and independent, he did everything in our house on his own. He didn't need me for that. But when we were lying in bed, he needed me to sleep and it felt so good.

This was partly why I started med school. Eventually, the money we made with Big Time Rush would be gone and then someone had to earn money for our family. I wanted to be that someone, because then I could finally take care of Kendall instead of the other way around. I loved it to get wrapped up in his arms, but sometimes I wanted to do the same for him. I wanted him to depend on me for something.

But now I lost him. I lost the love of my life and I wasn't even trying to get him back. No, I was lying in bed like a pathetic, spoiled little kid that didn't get the toy he wanted. I should get up and take everything like a man, because it was my fault. Kendall had every right to do whatever, because there was no excuse for what I did.

I just wanted to go home and fall into Kendall's big, strong arms and then cry until he said everything would be okay. I wanted to kiss him softly, exactly how he liked it and get told he still loved me. I wanted to go to our bed, snuggle my face in his chest under the blankets and stay like that forever.

I missed Kendall so much. I had to figure out how I could go home without Kendall kicking me out again. I could always fake a pregnancy... No. I'd considered that before. That was just stupid. He would find out eventually and then he would be hurt even more. I couldn't do that to him. I was never going to hurt Kendall again.

But I wanted to go home so bad. I would do whatever to go back to what I had. To get back what I lost. I would even give up on- Would I? After dreaming about it for so long? But I realized, that yes, I would quit everything to get back with Kendall. If that was what it took, than I would give up on med school. And the job that was promised me for when I graduated.

I honestly didn't care about being a doctor anymore. Not if it meant I couldn't have Kendall and Keira and Kegan. They were everything to me. And about the money we earned with Big Time Rush? I don't know exactly how much it was, but the last time I checked it was enough to use for the rest of our life together.

I turned on my other side to try to get warm, but it wasn't helping. I needed Kendall, then I would be warm again. Okay, and I needed food. It might be helpful to eat something every once in a while. Which I didn't. I hadn't eaten ever since Kendall kicked me out. Eating or drinking wasn't something I liked to do. I hoped that if I would punish myself for hurting Kendall, God -or whoever had control of my life- would forgive me and give him back to me.

Except, it wasn't really working. I didn't even notice while it was going on, but apparently I'd been skipping breakfast and lunch since Thanksgiving and dinner since I started working night shifts. I only ever ate what Kendall made for me when I got home from work for our fuck.

But when he kicked me out, I just stopped completely. Nothing tasted as good as the food Kendall cooked. And I felt too sick to eat now. I was sure that if I tried to eat, it wouldn't stay in my stomach long.

However, after not eating for five days -and only a little before that- I still drank. I wasn't stupid, I was almost a doctor. A human body could go without food for a very long time, but only three days without water. So I drank water. And some yoghurt drinks, but only just enough to stay upright during the day. I didn't exactly deserve more.

This also meant I had to go to the bathroom every few hours. I hated those trips to the bathroom. I got really cold and once I was back in bed, it took me over an hour to warm up again. But this wasn't something I could control.

I sighed and crawled from under the blankets. I was wearing sweat pants and large blue shirt -Kendall's shirt. I found it when I went through the clothes I had collected at the hospital. I had forgotten all about it, but was so happy when I found it again. Now I 'slept' in it. It still smelled a little like Kendall when I found it, but his scent quickly faded after wearing it non-stop for four days.

The day Kendall kicked me out I spent in my car in front of the hospital. Apparently I wasn't really needed, because they never called again to ask me to help them out. I was completely numb, I couldn't believe that really happened. I was stunned and even a little angry. How dare Kendall to do that? Without a warning? That house was mine too! He had no rights to kick me out!

But the more thought I put in it, the more I realized Kendall had every right to do this. When I felt the tears coming I went out of the car and walked into the hospital, up to the second floor to the PICU. Yeah, I was specializing in infants. I went into the office and greeted my colleagues and fellow students, before going to the locker room to get some clothes. That was when I found the shirt.

I walked into the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. I looked hideous. I'd never been exactly muscular, but I used to have some. Nothing was left of them. My arms were just bone with some skin around it; so were my legs. My collar bones were sticking out so far I was surprised they didn't tear my skin yet.

I didn't even want to think about what was hidden under the shirt.

While I peed I looked around the bathroom. It was everything you could expect in a cheap hotel. Green was the most evident color, probably to hide the mold that was growing. The bed smelled suspiciously much like vomit and I was sure I saw some cum stains on the floor. It was gross. It was perfect.

I left the bathroom and hid in the bed. I wished I could fall asleep, but insomnia was a side effect Anorexia nervosa. You see, I knew exactly what was going on with me. I just didn't have the fear of gaining weight. I wasn't afraid of eating. I just didn't want to do it.

I felt something lying under my arm. I immediately grabbed it when I remembered what it was. The only picture I had of my family. Or part of it. It was just Kendall and Keira and not even a resent picture. It was one I made when I was pregnant with Kegan. Kendall was feeding Keira and they were both smiling. Keira was making a mess of herself and her high chair and Kendall wasn't exactly preventing it.

We were so happy back then. Kendall and Keira and me. I got tears in my eyes as I realized I missed so much of Kegan's life. I started med school three months after he was born and in the beginning that was fine. He was just a baby back then and didn't realize I was gone often. Kendall was always there to take care of him. I was there when he spoke his first words -dada, like Keira did-, but I missed his first steps and so much other important things. I didn't even mind back then, I thought I would make up for it eventually.

And now I left on his birthday. I couldn't even imagine how Kegan must have felt when I told him I couldn't come home. When I saw Kendall's phone number on the screen of my cell my heart fluttered and I hoped he was calling me to ask me to come home. That he wanted me back. I almost started crying when I heard Kegan's little voice.

I wanted so badly to tell him yes. I wanted to go back to him and hold him the rest of the day. But I couldn't. Kendall would've killed me if I came back. But when Kegan begged me, I couldn't do anything but let those tears slip. He was my little boy. And I didn't even have a picture of him in my wallet.

Kendall was right about that. I didn't even know them anymore. I spent months carrying them around in my stomach, I went through so much to have them. But I didn't even know them. They were my babies and I loved them so much, but if Kendall replaced them with exact copies of them, I wouldn't have noticed.

But I wanted to know them. I wanted them to be just as close to me as they were to Kendall. I wanted to spend time with them and cuddle with them and hold them when they were crying and I wanted to hear them say 'Logie love' to me.

And Kendall. I wanted Kendall back. I would do whatever to go home to him. Kendall was too good to be treated like this and if he took me back I would give him whatever he wanted. I was going to do everything I could to have him back.

And I knew exactly what my first step would be.

I crawled out of bed and fell on my knees next to my bag. It took a few minutes before I found my phone. I hid it because I didn't want to face the temptation when Kendall called. I would give anything to hear his voice, but the fear he would say something like 'divorce' or 'don't love you anymore' was too big.

I found it and didn't hesitate one moment to call the number. I wanted Kendall back and if this was what it took, I would do it over and over again for the love I lost.

I pressed the phone to my ear and waited impatiently for someone to pick it up. "Hello, with Logan Knight... Can I speak with Dr. Ewing?... Yeah, with Logan... Yes, I'm alright... No, I want to tell you something... I quit..."

* * *

><p><strong>Hmm. Logan's thoughts aren't exactly organized... Don't know why. Oh well. What do you think? And if you find anything you want to have explained, please tell me? I have the feeling I forgot something, but I don't know what. Thank you!<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Poor Kendall. Poor, poor Kendall…**

I closed the oven and leaned against the counter. I just made the most complicated lasagna ever. It took me about two hours and a lot of effort, but that was exactly the point. It became better the more time it took and the harder it was. I purposely picked out those long and difficult recipes.

It was all to keep myself busy. In that way I had little time to think about Logan. Which was good, because I didn't want to think about him. It hurt. He was gone for six days now and I was a wreck. Never did I go this long without seeing him. Before I kicked him out at least he was home every other day. I missed him so much I barely functioned normally.

The only reason I survived was because of the routine I build up over the last months. Just do what I always did and I would make it until Logan came back. If he came back. James and Carlos said he would, but I wasn't so sure. Logan was gone for so long now. Six days, without any sign that he was still alive.

I'd called him every night. I couldn't help it. I had to know if he was okay. I just had to know if he was alright, that he wasn't lying in a hospital -as a patient, not as a doctor. I was so worried I regretted it I kicked him out. If I didn't he would still be home and I could see how he was doing. See he was still alive.

And the other reason I tried to keep myself busy was that I wanted to avoid talking to James and Carlos. I told them on Kegan's birthday that I would talk to them, but I managed to pull it off for six more days. I knew I couldn't keep them away forever, but I just didn't feel like talking to them. I mean, Carlos and James had each other when they told Logan and me about their problems, why couldn't I wait with telling them until Logan was back?

That's right, because Logan was the problem. And he wasn't here. Which was why they wanted to talk. Duh.

I glanced in the oven, loving the smell that came from the lasagna. If I just kept this up I would be fine. I thought of something else I could do until it was time for dinner. The lasagna took an hour to get ready, so I could do some ironing... But I did that yesterday, after I did the laundry. I could do it all again, but that was just a waste of water and electricity. I did the garden this morning and all the other little tasks in the days before. I did have to paint the window-frames... But that would take a lot more time than one hour. And the weather man said it would rain tonight, so than it would all be for nothing.

I had nothing to do. If I had nothing to do, I would think of Logan. It was not good to think of Logan, than- I was going to play with my kids. That would distract me. I grabbed four glasses and filled them with juice. I didn't really need an excuse to go play with them, but it would ease my mind. I set the timer, I didn't want this masterpiece of a lasagna to burn, and went upstairs to my daughters room.  
>Surprisingly, she wasn't there. I panicked for a moment; if she wasn't here than how was I going to distract myself! But then I realized she was probably playing with Kegan and Lizzy in Kegan's room. I hesitated, playing with Keira was okay, but ever since Logan left Kegan was extremely clingy. It took me twenty minutes to make him play with Lizzy here.<p>

I didn't exactly mind he was acting like this, but sometimes I got tired of it. It wasn't his fault of course, but I just couldn't have him around me all the time. I had to do other things too. I had the feeling it was only going to get worse though.

I decided to go in anyway. Kegan's clinginess might be good at the moment. Unless he started talking about Logan. That would result in another sleepless night. But if he was cheerful, which was often the case after playing with Lizzy, it could be fun. And maybe the three of them needed a forth player in whatever game they were playing.

I opened the door and all three of the children were sitting on the floor, playing with dolls. Even Kegan was holding a doll, but he didn't seem to like it much. "Papa!" He cried and got up to hug me.

"Hey, buddy. Wait a sec, I'm holding drinks for you." I put the tray on Kegan's dresser and handed out the glasses, before sitting down on the ground and letting Kegan climb into my lap.

"So what are you doing?" I asked them.

"They're playing with dolls, but I don't like dolls," Kegan pouted.

"Then why were you holding one when I came in?" I asked.

"Keira made me play with them."

"You didn't seem to mind it much," I said amused when he blushed. Keira and Lizzy giggled.

"Papa!"

"What?"

"I don't like playing with dolls!"

"Okay, Kegie. If you say so." I kissed the top of his head. "So what were you doing with dolls?"

"They've names, papa! Mine is Katie, Lizzy's is Lily and Kegan's is-"

"It doesn't have a name!" Kegan yelled at Keira.

"Yeah, it does! You said your baby is Ernie!"

"It's not my baby!"

"Hey!" I said sternly. "No fighting."

"But-" Kegan said with wide eyes.

"No. I don't want to know. Be nice for each other."

Both Keira and Kegan hung their heads and didn't look at me. Oh, great. Now they wished I would leave and never came here in the first place. Kegan, my little cuddle bear, even got out of my lap to sit next to Lizzy. But I had to stay, they would keep me from thinking about Logan.

I sighed and got up. "Drink your juice, okay?" I said quietly and left the room. Even my own children didn't want to be around me anymore. Maybe Logan didn't like me anymore either and was that why he was gone so much.

Oh god. I hadn't even thought of that yet. What if that was true? That Logan just didn't want to tell me he didn't love me anymore. Then he didn't mind I kicked him out either. He was glad I was the one to kick him out, now didn't he have to do it himself. Maybe he'd been cheating on me for once, while I just thought he was at the hospitals at night to work, he secretly went to his other lover. His new lover. His only lover...

I quickly went into my bedroom and locked the door. I couldn't have the kids see me crying. I slit down the door until I hit the ground and stayed there. Logan had waited for this moment. All this time it had been a plan. A plan to get rid of me without exactly getting rid of me. He let me dump him so it wasn't weird when he suddenly had another lover.

It all made sense now. No one could spend so much time at the hospital. Logan was there for two days, came home and ate, slept and then left again. He just went somewhere else on the other night, a place where he was happy. A person he did love and made love with like we used to do. A person he kissed and hugged and told all kinds of sweet things.

But that didn't make sense. If he cheated on me, why would he still come home for that fuck every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday? That night of sex was used to create a child. Why would he want to get pregnant with my baby when he wanted to be with someone else?

And why would he beg me to let him stay? That could be part of the plan, of course. And Keira and Kegan weren't exactly in this deal. Even if he did have an affair going on, they were still his children and he wanted to see them.

Maybe he still did that fuck with me, because he was sure he wouldn't get pregnant anyway. If his new lover was a woman, he didn't even need me to knock him up. He could get her pregnant. I think. Did it even work the other way for him? Or could he only reproduce with his 'female' parts? Okay, the world desperately needed more information about Male pregnancies.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and hid my face in my knees, crying silently. I was sure now. Logan found someone else. He didn't love me anymore. He was probably celebrating with his gorgeous girlfriend and not thinking about me at all.

I missed him so, so much. I wanted to have him back so badly. I wouldn't even fight with him, if he just came back to me I would forgive him everything and hold him until the end of times. I needed him. Logan was everything to me. So pure and innocent and small and sweet and... He no longer was those things. He used to be, but I hadn't seen those things in a long time.

Logan wasn't pure. Not after everything that happened to him. Not after Jett happened. Logan wasn't innocent. He was almost a doctor now, just his final exam and he would receive his certification. Doctors weren't innocent, they knew things about the human body that were creepier then every horror movie together. Okay, Logan was still small, but no longer childlike small. Just adult small.

And he was definitely not sweet. If he'd still been my sweetie he wouldn't have done this to me. If he'd really cared about me, he wouldn't have let it come this far. He would've done everything in his power to make this right. My Logie wouldn't have hurt me so bad without making things right.

Logan was no longer my Logie.

I heard the timer downstairs; my lasagna was ready. I dried my eyes and got up. I didn't think about what I was doing, I just did everything automatically. The only thing going on in my head Logan telling me he wanted a divorce and never wanted to see me again. It would be reality soon.

I took the lasagna out of the over and started cutting it, putting the parts on the plates and bringing them to the table. When did I tell the kids it was dinner time? The whole time I ate I thought of what I was going to do when I wouldn't ever see Logan again. I once said I wouldn't or couldn't live without him. I didn't think it still counted. I had children now, I wanted to be here for them. Not that I would be really helpful when I lost my will to live, but I was here right?

Dinner was over and I sent Lizzy home, letting her use the porch that connected our gardens. I helped Keira and Kegan with going in bath and brushing their teeth, before putting them in bed and going down stairs. I put the TV on, but only to have the feeling I wasn't completely alone. Because that was what I was. Alone.

I wished I wouldn't feel so lonely without Logan. Then everything would be a lot better already. If it was only the heartbreak of him leaving me, I would maybe even survive. But I couldn't even enjoy the company of other people anymore without him. I was alone. And I was cold. I wanted my Logie back. My baby. My lover. The only person I was truly happy with.

The front door opened and James and Carlos came in. I quickly dried my eyes and sat up straight, but I knew I wouldn't fool them. My friends knew me too well and they were going to make me talk whatever lame excuse I had. It was another silent agreement between the four of us. After James and Carlos kept something from the other half, it didn't exactly work out well in the end. Whatever happened, we were going to make each other talk now.

"No more avoiding us, Kendall. We have to talk," James said determined. He sat down next to me on the couch and Carlos took the chair on my right, effectively trapping me in my corner of the couch. I'd kinda hoped it would be the other way around; Carlos next to me instead of James. The Latino was gentler, he said whatever came on his mind, but it was always meant in a good way. And James hadn't exactly had brain-mouth filter either, but the stuff that came up in his mind was mean and harsh -sometimes.

They probably did this on purpose.

"There's nothing to talk about. I kicked Logan out. He isn't back yet," I said, staring at the tv. Somehow I'd managed to sound calm and reserved.

"Yeah. We figured that out ourselves. Now, where did this come from? When did you two start to grow apart? Can we help? What happened when you kicked him out? Did he call since? Why are you still alive?" James asked sternly, like I did with Keira and Kegan earlier that day.

"Does it matter? I don't want to talk about it. No, you can't help. None of your business. No, he didn't. And what is with you and thinking I don't want to live anymore?"

"Oh. I wouldn't know. You only said you wouldn't live without Logan. And you know what? Look around! He's not here!"

That was exactly what I meant. Carlos wouldn't have done that. He would've been nicer and caring; more like Logan... "Shut up," I whispered as I felt the tears coming up again.

"No," James said, calmer this time. "What's going on between the two of you? All we see is that Logan works more and more and you just let it happen, until now. You pretend to be fine, but inside you're a mess. We know you, Kendall. And you wouldn't have let this happen if there wasn't something serious going on. Now tell it."

"We just want a baby," I whispered. There was no point in not telling if they were going to pull it out of me anyway. And, as I remembered now, James and Carlos knew everything about wanting a baby. They knew exactly what it could do to a relationship.

"But then making love turned into fucking and Logan started to work more, because he couldn't take it that is isn't working and suddenly he wasn't here at night. Then he skipped all the holidays and I realized I was alone. And then Carlos and I talked and he said to kick him out when Logan went to work on Kegan's birthday which he did and I kicked him out and he cried but he pushed him away and he left and I cried because I wanted him back already, but he isn't coming back because there is someone else and he doesn't need me anymore and I'm going to be alone for the rest of me life and-"

"Wow. Wait. He has someone else?" Carlos asked shocked. This hadn't been part of his plan to get me and Logan back together.

"He has to have, because-"

"Can you prove it?" He asked seriously.

"No, but-"

"Then it's not true," Carlos decided. James shook his head too. "Logan would never do that. I've no idea how you came on that idea, but you're getting paranoid. The only thing Logan has at the moment is a broken heart and a lot of remorse."

I said nothing. It was no use explaining them how I came to this conclusion, they wouldn't believe me.

"Tell about the baby thing. I thought it was impossible you two could ever get one again, then why are- were you trying so hard?" James asked worriedly.

"It's not impossible. There's just a really small chance. It was something we both wanted so badly. You know how that is, you'll try everything to get the baby you want." I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't even want a baby anymore. The only baby I wanted now was my baby, my Logie.

"Okay, so there it started. We all saw what happened over the years and in the holiday season. Now tell us more about March 3th," James commanded.

I swallowed. March 3th. Kegan's birthday. "He promised he would stay," I said softly. "Kegan even called him to make sure he would come. But when I woke up that morning, he was already out of bed. I went downstairs and saw him in the kitchen. I was glad at first, because I didn't notice his bag and all. Then he told me he had to go to work, something with a bus crash. I knew that was the moment to do what you said. So we had a huge fight and at the end I told him I didn't want him to come back anymore. Then I cried. Then Kegan came down. He cried too when I told him Logan was gone. We called him, Kegan practically begged Logan to come back. But he didn't. Then you came."

James nodded and Carlos sighed, "And now you're a wreck."

"Pretty much," I muttered.

Carlos got up. "Move over," He whispered and sat down on my other side, pressing me between James and himself. I felt an arm from both of them coming around my shoulders. "You know you're not alone right?"

I said nothing again. I knew I was not alone. That didn't mean I could feel like I was. A person could be lonely while standing amongst a hundred other people. I was lonely now, even if I had my two best friends next to me and my children upstairs. I just needed Logan.

"Even if you don't believe it, Logan will come back to you. I've seen you two apart from each other before. Neither of you does very well. Just a few days and he'll be here again," Carlos said confidently.

James continued, "Did you talk to him at all?"

"He doesn't answer my calls. I want to talk to him though. I want to know if he's okay." I almost blushed as I said that. As it was weird to want to know if my husband was doing okay.

"I could call him? Maybe he just doesn't answer your calls."

I stared at Carlos. I hadn't thought of that yet. If Logan picked up a call from Carlos, then I could hear his voice. Then I could hear if he was okay. If he was happy... Maybe if Logan was happy I could accept this and move on. After all that was what I wanted, right? A happy Logan? I decided that if Logan sounded happy, he would give up. I would get divorce papers myself. It would be worth it if he was happy. If he could make someone else happy with my Logie. Maybe I'd had enough happiness for a lifetime.

"Can you put it on speaker phone?" I asked him quietly.

Carlos nodded. I felt James shifting uncomfortably on my other side, but I ignored it. He probably thought it wasn't a good idea to call Logan. And maybe he was right, but I didn't care. If Logan sounded happy, I would go upstairs and cry for the rest of the night. I did lose my husband after all. Tomorrow I would call him again and tell him I would divorce him, if he wanted that.

Carlos had dialed the number and know the phone was lying in his hand, the speaker loud enough for the three of us to hear. It rang two, three, four, five times. I was about to give up when I heard rustling and a soft, "Hey."

"Hey, Logan. Carlos and James here," Carlos said. He looked at me, figuring I didn't want Logan to know I was here too. He was right, so I gave a short nod.

"Hi, g-guys." His voice was soft, almost as if he was whispering.

"How are you?" James asked, a little less friendly than he would've done normally.

"I-I-I'm f-fine." I frowned. He wasn't fine. If he was fine he wouldn't stutter.

"You don't sound fine," Carlos commented.

"I-I'm just c-cold." I was immediately worried again. He was cold? Was he sick? Did he have warm clothes? Did have clothes at all? Most of them were still upstairs in our closet. I should've thought of that earlier. I should've let him pack a bag first before kicking him out. I didn't want him to get ill.

"Alright then. Where are you?" James asked.

"In bed." That still didn't say anything about where he was.

"Yeah. And where is that bed?"

"In LA. I d-don't want t-to tell, okay. This i-is b-bad enough."

I bit my lip as I heard the misery in his voice. Maybe he really was hurting too. Then maybe he didn't have someone else and he would come back to me. On the other side, he didn't want to tell where he wad, maybe he was with someone else at this moment.

"We know. When are you coming back?"

"I c-can't c-come b-back. K-k... He d-doesn't w-want me to come h-home." I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to beg him to come home, to come back to me. He was more than welcome to come back. It would be hard, but we would work it out. We always get through things together, this is no different. "I'm h-hanging up n-now..."

"No. You're coming back, you hear me?" James said angrily. "You can't just do this, Logan."

"I-I... James, I-"

"Keira and Kegan are still here. We are here, Lizzy is here. And Kendall is here. Can't you two just talk this out?"

"There is nothing to talk about! I don't want to go home and hear him say he doesn't l- that he wants to- I can't handle that. Leave me alone!" He hung up before one of us could say anything.

I was so confused. I'd thought that hearing Logan talk would help me sort out my thought, but now it was only worse. I had no idea what to think anymore and hearing Logan's voice only made me miss him more. What didn't he think would happen when he came home?

"Well," Carlos said awkwardly. He and James glanced each other, but neither of them really knew what to say.

I sighed. "Just leave, guys. There's not really something you can do. We can only wait. Or do you've more questions?"

They looked at each other again. "Not really. But Kendall, just come to us when something is bothering you, okay? It's hard, but we really don't-"

"I get it, James. Thank you," I said. I hadn't meant to sound angry. Oops.

"Alright. We'll go home." James got up. "He'll be back, Kendall. I'm sure of it."

Carlos squeezed my shoulder and then they were gone. I sat on the couch for a long time. Just thinking about everything that happened today. I didn't know what to think anymore. It was all so confusing. Nothing made sense. Logan wasn't happy. He was cold. What did that even mean? Why couldn't he just say what he felt, that would safe me a lot of thinking.

I sat on that couch for a long time. News hour turned into a documentary about animals, but I really wasn't paying attention. What was going on here? How was I supposed to feel now? Why couldn't things just make sense? The only thing I knew now, was that I missed Logan even more after that call. I really, really hoped James and Carlos were right and Logan would indeed come back.

I suddenly heard someone coming down the stairs. Not just someone; Kegan. I could separate the footsteps of my children by now. I wiped the tears of my face for what felt like the millionth time today. He was at the bottom of the stairs and came running into the living room, his little face wet with tears. "Papa," He whimpered.

"C'mere, Kegie," I said worriedly and lifted him in my lap when he was in front of me. He instantly started sobbing and pressing his face in my stomach. "What's wrong, baby?"

He didn't say anything, just went on crying. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back soothingly. "It's okay now. Papa's here, Kegan. Did you have a bad dream?"

He nodded, but didn't look up at me. I kissed the top of his head and shifted him slightly so he was sitting sideways over my legs. "Look at the animals, Kegie, you see the penguins? They just laid eggs and now the mothers are going to find food while the fathers are staying behind to breed the egg."

I seemed to have Kegan's attention and started telling him more about penguins. I only knew about the eggs because I got a glimpse of it the moment before Kegan came into the living room. "Look Kegan! There's a baby penguin! Now is the mother back and is the little penguin going from his daddy to his mommy, because she has all the food. Now daddy's done and can he go hunt."

In some weird, twisted way, that fitted exactly in our picture. Logan birthed our two children and now he was out hunting. Only he wasn't coming back.

Apparently Kegan understood that too, or he just got sad from the word 'daddy', because he got tears in his eyes again and cried silently. It didn't take long before he cried himself to sleep. Only then did I let my own tears go. I missed Logan so much. He was needed here. We needed him. I needed him. He had to come home.

**Yeah. Sigh. What did you think? :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Well. Here we go. Have fun, guys.**

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><p>"Kegan! Where are you, buddy?" I asked my son. We were playing hide and seek and like every other just four year old he was terrible at it. Absolutely terrible.<p>

I heard a giggle coming from behind the curtain, but ignored it. It was no fun for him if I found him immediately. "Hmm. Where is he?" I asked myself and smiled when he giggled again. "He's not under the table or in the closet... Maybe under the couch! Yeah, he must be there!" That was pretty much impossible, because there was no place for a kid under the couch. But Kegan enjoyed it and that was what mattered at the moment.

He giggled a little harder and the curtain shook because of it. I couldn't pretend I didn't know where he was any longer.

Without making any noise, I walked up to the bulge in the curtain. "Got'cha!" I shouted when I pulled the curtain away. Kegan screamed in surprise and almost jumped out of the window. I laughed and lifted him high into the air, making him laugh and squirm.

I brought him down again and held him on my arm. "Papa, you cheated!" He said, pouting.

I acted shocked. "What did you just say?"

"You cheated!"

I a flash I had him upside down, holding him by his ankles. He squealed when I started tickling him. "Oh really?" I asked smugly.

"Papa! S-stop!" He managed to say between all the giggles and laughing.

"Not until you say 'Papa is not a cheater!'"

"No!"

"Than I guess we're gonna do this for a while." I tickled his neck and knew he would give up soon. He was really ticklish and fled when someone just touched his neck.

"Papa's not a cheater!" He squeaked. "Papa stop, please!"

I grinned satisfied and pulled him up again. Once he was sitting on my arm again he put his head on my shoulder to catch his breath. I kissed the top of his head and rubbed his back.

Ever since I kicked Logan out he'd been extremely clingy. Kegan was always around me, when I cooked, when I did the laundry, when I worked in the garden, when I read the paper; always. I figured he did it because he was scared I would leave too and he would be all alone. I tried to ease is mind, but I could impossibly get this out of his system.

The last few nights it was so bad he didn't even want to sleep in his own bed anymore. The first night that happened was after I talked with James and Carlos. I sat with him watching the penguin documentary. Eventually I'd put him back in his own bed, only to wake up from his screaming in the middle of the night. I went to his room and saw him crying and yelling for Logan.

I'd managed to calm him down, but from that moment on I let Kegan sleep with me in the big bed. I didn't want that to happen ever again. It was too painful and it broke my heart to see my youngest child so sad. And I didn't want Keira to wake up from it.

She'd been acting different too. Instead of moving closer to me she played alone more often. She'd never said much, but now the only answers I got were 'yes' and 'no'. Only when it was really urgent she asked me things. This might be because she thought I was going to leave too, like Kegan thought, but instead of being clingy she took her distant. As if she wanted to prepare herself.

It hurt me, because she'd always been close to me and I figured that if one of my children trusted me enough to believe I would stay it would be Keira. Still, I caught her crying sometimes too. She hid it well, but she was my daughter and 99% Logan; I could read her like a book.

"Papa, when is daddy coming back?" Kegan asked softly, not taking his head off my shoulder.

"I don't know, baby. Soon," I told him. I had no idea when Logan would come back. James and Carlos were convinced he couldn't stay away from us for too long and would come back within a week. It has been ten days now, and still I hadn't heard anything from him. Just the one call he had with Kegan the morning after I kicked him out. I was so worried about him.

"Tomorrow?" Kegan asked hopeful.

"Maybe, Kegie. Maybe, he'll come back tomorrow."

He nodded and was silent for a while. I ran my fingers through his hair and hoped he was done talking about Logan. It was extremely painful and only made me miss him more. Logan was so fucking important to me. I didn't know how I was going to survive without him much longer. I needed him like air.

"Is daddy not comin' back 'cause he's mad at me?" Kegan asked whispering.

"What? No!" I pulled Kegan back until he was sitting in my lap. I took his chin in my hand gently and made him look at me. "He's not mad at you, baby. Daddy and I have a little fight and that's why he's not here right now, but I know he loves you very much and wants nothing more than to be here with you."

"Are you mad me now, papa?" He whimpered and tears appeared in his eyes. I guess I'd been a little too stern.

I sighed a pulled him back in my arms. "I'm not mad at you either, Kegie. No one is mad at you. In fact if I could make the decision, I would put you on top of Santa Clause's sweet children's list."

"Really?" He asked. He already sounded happier.

I smiled. "Yes."

"'Kay."

I kissed his forehead. "Logie love."

"Logie love, papa."

I tightened my hold on him for a minute, before placing another kiss on his forehead and releasing him. Kegan crawled off my lap and grabbed a few of my fingers. "Come, papa! You wanna play soccer with me?"

I grinned. Kegan loved soccer. It was insane. He was good at it too, for what I could say. I never played the sport and secretly hoped Kegan would fall in love with ice hockey like me, but this was just as good. I would just have to learn the rules and then I'd be good. I already knew that as soon as Kegan would join a team I would sign up as a coach. It was not like I had a job, so I had enough time to do it. And Kegan would love it.

"Yes, but we're gonna eat lunch first, okay?"

Kegan nodded, but didn't let go of my fingers. I got up and together we went to the kitchen. Kegan sat in his chair at the table and watched me expectantly, but I had to do something else first. "Kegan, I'm going to get Keira, okay? Can you stay here for a bit?"

He nodded uncertainly, but I saw fear in his eyes. I would've to hurry. "Good boy," I complimented, getting a tiny little smile out of him.

I went up the stairs to Keira's room. The door was closed, so I knocked first. Even though my baby girl was just five years old, she was a girl. And I'd had enough bad experiences with mom and Katie when I didn't knock on their doors.

I slowly opened it and found her sitting at the little table I got for her a month or two ago so she could draw in here too. She was good at it. Really good. Her first painting was better than all of mine together. James and Carlos often teased me with how proud I was of her. It only backfired when I mentioned they were just as proud of Lizzy.

I went over and kneeled next to her. "What are you doing, honey?"

"Drawing," She answered and didn't look up.

"What are you making?" I asked curiously.

"A drawing."

"I figured, but what is on the drawing?"

"A butterfly."

I took a better look at it and then noticed that the few blue lines she set on paper had the shape of wings. She made a lot of butterflies, lately. Her table was full with papers with butterflies on them in all colors of the rainbow. She'd even put a few above her table with tape. I had a theory about all the butterflies.

"It's really beautiful, Keke," I said sincerely. I ran my fingers through her curls, but when I went in to kiss her cheek she moved forward, out of my way.

I closed my eyes, fighting the hurt and got up. "We're gonna eat lunch, Keira. Come to the kitchen." I turned around and started walking away.

When I reached the door and was about to close it behind me, I heard a soft, "Papa," behind me. I looked over my shoulder, not sure if I heard it correct, but then saw Keira standing next to her chair. She ran up to me and stuck her arms out. I picked her up and held her closely. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her face in my shoulder.

She was shaking and I felt my shirt getting wet. "Keira, what's wrong?" I asked her worriedly.

"I m-miss d-daddy," She whimpered between sobs. "W-when's h-he c-coming b-back?"

No, not two! Not both so soon after each other! "I don't know, baby. Really soon now," I said soothingly. I hated it I had to lie to them.

"C-can't w-we go s-see him?" She asked, looking up at me hopeful.

I stared at her, having no idea what to say to her. I had no idea where Logan was and I didn't want to call the hospital to ask. "I, uhm..."

I saw Keira's eyes getting that sad look again and I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her the truth, not now. "I'll see what I can do, honey."

She smiled and then went back to crying. I waited until she calmed down and then took her down to the kitchen where Kegan was still sitting in his chair. I set Keira in the chair on the other side of the table. I glanced at the fourth chair, the chair opposite to mine; a chair that had been empty for a long time.

I sighed and turned to the counter to make lunch for my kids, who -for once- were being sweet. They were playing I Spy. I made five sandwiches, three for me and 1 for each kid before sitting down with them at the table.

"Why don't we get three?" Kegan asked jealously.

I chuckled. "Because I'm older and need more food. If you can eat your own sandwich completely, I'll give you one of mine. Agreed?"

Kegan grinned and nodded, eager for another sandwich. I shook my head; he wasn't even going to finish that first one.

I turned out to be right; Kegan pushed his plate away when he ate half of his sandwich. Keira giggled when she saw it and Kegan stuck his tongue out at her.

I finished my food before Keira was done with hers and decided to eat the last half of Kegan's sandwich too. "Are we gonna play soccer now, papa?" Kegan asked excitedly when we were all finished.

I nodded and then turned to my daughter. "You wanna play with us, Keke?"

She nodded and smiled. "Only if I can play with Kegan, he's good at soccer" She said.

"What! But I'm really great!" I said fake offended.

They both giggled. "No, you're really bad papa!" Kegan said.

"I am not! And I'm gonna prove it!" I said determined.

Keira and Kegan cheered and ran to the back yard. "Be careful with my flowers!" I yelled at them. Those were my other babies, okay? I put so much work in them, they mean a lot to me.

I quickly followed them and saw that they skipped the first part of the garden where my flowers were and went straight to the back where there was just a grass field. Kegan was setting up the goals while Keira found the ball and was playing with it.

"Okay, if I win, we're gonna eat broccoli tonight. If you win, I'll order some pizza."

Their faces lit up and they ran to their side of the field, Keira in front of the goal as goalkeeper and Kegan in the middle by the ball. "3, 2, 1..."

Twenty minutes later I was losing badly. I had absolutely no control of the ball and scored twice in my own goal. The thing was, I was faster and bigger and stronger, so if I really tried my best I could take them down easily. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to cheer them up, have a nice evening and sleep with Kegan in one bed without him crying over Logan. So, I let them win.

I was so focused on my children that I didn't hear a car pulling up in front of our house. That I didn't hear the front door open and close. That I didn't hear someone walking around my house, looking at pictures. And that I didn't notice someone watching us through the window. I didn't even notice someone sitting on the steps to the backdoor until he started talking.

"You're really bad at soccer, Kendall. Do you want me to help you out?" Logan asked.

Logan.

I turned my head into the direction his wonderful voice came from and the first thing I was met with were his eyes. The beautiful brown eyes I missed so much. He stared at me too, but I couldn't read his eyes from this big a distance. But he was here. He came back to me.

I wanted nothing more than to run up to him like Kegan and Keira were doing already. I wanted to get wrapped up in his arms and be held by him while I cried my eyes out to show him how much I missed him. I wanted to carry him upstairs to our bedroom, hide in the comfortable safe zone of our bed and make love to him until we were both exhausted. I wanted to hear him say 'I love you' again.

On the other side I wanted to kill him.

I hadn't decided yet.

"Daddy!" Keira and Kegan cried. They both forgot what they were doing and ran up to him.

He hugged them both at the same time, holding onto them tightly and kissing them both on their cheeks. "I missed you so much," He said softly. I almost couldn't hear. Who was this strange man hugging my babies anyway? "There wasn't a second I didn't think of you."

Neither Keira nor Kegan felt much for letting go and Logan didn't seem to mind at all. I saw him glancing at me a few times, but I just stood there and watched them. I wanted to go over and hug him too. My whole body was aching for it, but I didn't know what I should do now. I had no idea what I felt or what I should feel. Logan came back, yes, but that didn't mean everything was automatically good between us.

I'd spent so much hours, minutes, seconds, looking forward to this moment, but now it finally was there I still didn't know how to react. Was I going to ran over and hug him so tightly he wouldn't be able to breathe? Swirling him around like they did in movies? Or was I going to torture him until he died a slow and very painful death? I didn't know. How could I know how to react to this. These two feelings were battling one another, but I could impossibly choose.

I'd missed him so much...

I was so fucking furious.

Wasn't there a way in between them? A gray path instead of black or white? I could always ignore him. That just wouldn't solve anything.

Logan was rubbing their backs and still whispering things to them; his lips were moving. I just continued staring at them, frozen in my spot. After a minute or five he finally pulled away from his children. "Come, I've to help papa to win from you." He took their hands and went back to where I was. He let go of them halfway the field and timidly walked up to me, his head hanging.

As soon as I could reach out for him, I took his hand and gently pulled him closer. I guess this was okay for now. I wanted a little affection so badly I didn't care what he'd done. "I'm so sorry, Kendall," He whispered as he looked up at me, tears of regret and self-despise in his eyes.

I nodded, but didn't say anything. I pulled him tighter against me, feeling how much I'd missed him against. He still rested his head on my chest the same way as always. I brought my hand up to his head and tangled my fingers in his hair. It felt so, so good to have him back in my arms that I forgot about everything. Really everything. It was four years ago again, before all of this started. And I wanted to kiss him so bad.

I leaned in and rested my forehead on his for a moment, before softly pressing my lips to his. It was like coming home, even though I'd been home all this time. I pulled away, still with my eyes closed and inhaled his perfect scent. Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me again. And again. And another three times.

"Ew! Don't do that!" Kegan cried and put his hands over his eyes.

I pulled away. It wasn't four years ago. This was now, after Logan hurt me. "They've no idea what they miss out on," I muttered darkly. Logan clearly heard me, because he hung his head in shame and turned away from me.

"Help me lose of our children," I said shortly, letting him know I was purposely playing bad. And now I was angry. Huh. Maybe I just had to have my little bit of love before getting mad. Only my anger was growing quickly.

He nodded and backed off until he was in front of the goal while I went to the middle again. We played for another half hour, by then the score was 20-4 for the little ones. They were cheering, "Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" while marching back to the house. I followed them and Logan came last.

I went straight to the kitchen and took the phone to call the pizza shop. I felt Logan looking at me, but then he went to the living room to watch tv with Keira and Kegan.

I was just done placing my order when James and Carlos came in with Lizzy. "We heard pizza and figured we should eat here tonight," James explained.

"That sucks, dude. I'm just done ordering," I told him.

"No problem." He smirked. "I figured something like that would happen and ordered our own pizzas."

"Smart. Do you guys want something to drink?"

Once I got everyone something to drink we went to the living room. "Hey, Logan! You're back!" Carlos said happily. He gave me an I-told-you-so look.

"Yeah," he said softly, wrapping his arms a little tighter around his children. He smiled when Lizzy climbed into his lap and gave him a hug. I took a better look at him and noticed something was off. There changed something with Logan's body. I just couldn't say what exactly.

"Tell them what we did today Lizzy," James said.

The face of the little blonde girl lit up. "We made the swing!" She announced happily. She climbed off Logan and ran to her father who picked her up.

"Oh, really?" I asked. "What does it look like?"

"It's purple and orange and green and blue and purple!"

"That is-" Logan started.

I had no idea why, but I felt like pretending he wasn't here. Maybe it was because I wanted to make him feel how it was to be ignored. I didn't care. I just wanted to hurt him. "That sounds really good, Lizzy! Tell me, how does it swing?"

"Really good! Daddy went so high he fell of it!"

I laughed and sat in the chair furthest chair from Logan. James put Lizzy down and she sat next to Keira on the couch. James let Carlos sit in the other chair and went to the kitchen to get himself one. "Which one?" I asked the blonde girl. Lizzy called both her fathers daddy. It was really confusing sometimes.

"James," Said Carlos.

"Carlos," Said James.

"Both!" Giggled Lizzy. Keira and Kegan laughed too when James and Carlos groaned.

We continued talking. Eventually the children got bored and sat in front of the tv to watch a movie, while the four of us talked. Or rather, James, Carlos and I talked while Logan sat quietly in a corner of the couch and listened to what was said. Every time he'd tried to say something I ignored it and said something entirely different or just started talking randomly when he was halfway a sentence. Eventually Logan didn't dare to say anything anymore and just kept his mouth shut. Which I preferred.

He had to know I was angry, because I was. I was fucking livid. How dare he abandon us? How dare he leave us? How dare he skip every single holiday and birthday in the past months? How dare he show up like this and not expecting to get thrown out again?

No, I wasn't going to do that. I was going to yell at him for a long time first. Tell him exactly what problems he caused for us. Tell him how he made me feel, how miserable and lonely. And then I would leave him. If he couldn't guarantee me he was going to stay, that he was going to fix this , I would kick him out again and again until he begged me on his knees if he could please stay here with us.

The pizza arrived about half an hour later. We were all hungry and everyone went to the kitchen to eat. Logan was the last to get up, but I stopped him. "You're staying here," I told him, before turning around and going to the kitchen. When I looked back over my shoulder I saw him curling up in a corner of the couch and hiding his face in his knees. He was shaking slightly and I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

Luckily, Keira and Kegan were too happy Logan was back to notice he was not at the table. James and Carlos did though and both of them were shooting me questioning looks. I shook my head, silently telling them I didn't want to go into it or make Logan sit with us. I wasn't sure if I could control myself if I saw him. I didn't even know what I was controlling. Did I want to jump him and murder him or kiss him so hard he'll never be able to talk again?

It was a nice evening, if you would pretend the Logan thing didn't happen. After the pizzas we played a game, once again I managed to keep Logan out of it. After that there was a movie on tv Lizzy and Keira wanted to see, something about a princess. Kegan tried not to show it, but I was sure he liked it too. But I had to do something else too. Logan had to go. He had no right to be here and join us in our fun. So I went into the living room before all the others to send Logan out of there.

I stopped in front of him and he immediately looked up at me. "Get out," I hissed. It probably wasn't the best way to tell him I just wanted him to go upstairs, but he had to feel scared, no, I meant terrified. He had to feel every single emotion I'd felt the past six months. Happiness was not one of them.

His eyes widened and filled with tears. "Kendall, please," He whispered.

"Shut up. Get out of my sight. Go upstairs or something, I don't care. As long as I don't see you." I only just managed to stay calm. Logan noticed and didn't protest. He went upstairs without another word.

A second later Carlos was standing next to me. "Don't get too carried away, Kendall," he muttered.

"Why the hell not? You know what he did to us? I'm fucking murderous right now!"

"Just remember that you love him, don't break him too hard. Not even to spare him, but because I know you'll hate yourself for it later."

I huffed. I didn't want to hear those words. I wanted to fucking kill Logan for leaving me. He deserved it.

We watched the movie that turned out to be pretty good. This one actually had a creative story line, while most of those princess movies looked like each other a lot. At the end of the movie all the children were exhausted and James and Carlos decided to go home to bring Lizzy to bed.

Once they were gone I took my children upstairs. They were both too tired to shower; Kegan was sleeping already. So I put him in his bed first to help Keira get ready, but surprisingly Logan was there already to do it. I felt like strangling him, but knew I couldn't in front of Keira. And she probably wanted him to help her rather than me. So I clenched my fists and said nothing about it, I turned around to get Kegan in his pajamas without waking him up. I hoped he would sleep through the night in his own bed now Logan was back.

"Did you make those, Keira?" I heard Logan asking.

"Yes."

"They're really pretty, honey," Logan said impressed.

I heard someone getting up and rummaging through some papers. I just finished changing Kegan into his pj's and went over curiously. I leaned against the doorpost and watched Keira searching in her pile of butterfly drawings, taking one out and going back to Logan who was sitting on her bed. She climbed in his lap and showed him her drawing. "This one's for you," She told him. She snuggled a little closer and he wrapped an arm around her while looking at the drawing she made for him.

He said nothing for a long time, just stared at the piece of paper he was holding. His eyes were glistening and he smiled at his daughter. "I love it, Keke. Thank you." He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his other arm around her too, careful with the butterfly drawing he was still holding in his hand. Keira yawned and closed her eyes, cuddling into her daddy. He hummed softly and started rocking her.

I'd seen enough. I stepped back and went downstairs to the living room. I sat on the couch and stared at the tv in front of me. I wasn't even going to pretend I was doing something else than angrily waiting for him to come down. I know he would. Logan knew it too. He had to come down sometime.

It took him ten full minutes before I heard Keira's bedroom door close and his footsteps on the stairs. He paused a few times, but eventually he took a deep breath and went into the living room.

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><p><strong>Oh oh. I'm evil. Muahahaha! So... What do you think? <strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Oh my gosh. I spent so much time writing this and it got me crying every time. Well. I hope you like it anyway…**

_It took him ten full minutes before I heard Keira's bedroom door close and his footsteps on the stairs. He paused a few times, but eventually he took a deep breath and went into the living room._

"She's been drawing those butterflies for a while now, you know. One for each day you were gone and a few from before that. They're all for you, she just didn't want to tell you that," I said. I had no idea where it came from, but honestly I didn't care. I was too angry to give a shit about anything right now.

I turned around and saw Logan staring at me. His expression blank, as if he was playing poker with me. "Kegan's great at soccer, isn't he? I already signed him up for a local soccer club. He can start when he's four. Soccer is the only thing that keeps him from crying all day."

"Katie and Dak are getting married. They made it official three weeks ago. I bet you didn't know that yet, did you?"

Logan said nothing. He just stared at me with that indescribable look in his eyes.

"Keira didn't talk anymore. She sat in her room most of the day, drawing butterflies and wishing you would come back. She asked me today if we could go see you! Can you believe it that we've to go somewhere else to see you? Your own father or husband?" I said scornful.

I got up and leaned against the side of the couch, my arms crossed. I didn't think I ever looked at someone so condescending and disgusted as I was looking at Logan at that moment. He wasn't looking at me. He just stood there staring at the ground. It was probably for the best. I didn't want to see the look in his eyes. It didn't matter to me how sorry he was. It wasn't enough.

"Kegan had problems sleeping. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I had no idea it was something hereditary. He thought it was his fault you left! He thought you were mad at him and didn't want to see him anymore! There is something wrong with that, Mitchell."

He flinched at the mention of his old last name. He looked up at me for a second, the fear so evident on his face. Good.

"Oh! Do you remember when he asked you to go to that movie, Tangled, with him? He was so excited when you said yes, but you know what, it's not in the cinema's anymore! Doesn't that work out good for you? It's just like all the other things you promised him and Keira. You never kept your promise. Never."

He bit his lip and shook his head, as if he wasn't believing anything I said to him. He was still looking at the floor, but now took a step back. I pushed myself away from the couch and took a step towards him. He wasn't going to get away from me now.

"And where were you when Keira broke her arm?" I paused for a minute when I heard him gasp softly and tears appeared in his eyes. "You came home that night to eat and I think I told you about it at least three times during dinner. Keira tried showing you her cast, but you didn't look, or listen to us. She broke her arm, Mitchell. You didn't even care."

The tears that were in his eyes a minute ago, were now pouring down his face. He had his lips shut tightly, probably to hold back the sobs. And still he wasn't looking at me, but staring at the floor before my feet.

"Kegan had a fever, in the beginning of January I think. His temperature was so high I went to the hospital with him. We saw you. Kegan didn't even let any doctor come near him. He wanted you to help him. I asked three different people to get you, but each one of them came back to tell me you were busy. How can you be too busy to help your own little son, Mitchell? Now I wonder, if I just signed him in as your patient, than would you've helped him? Because you do seem to have more attention for your patients than for us."

"Stop it," He whispered, taking a few steps back.

I just ignored it. I had a lot more stories about things he'd done to us. I could go on for ages, but I wouldn't. I was waiting for something. "Keira lost three of her baby teeth already. Kegan's first came out a few days before he birthday, he's pretty early. I saved them in little boxes after they put them under their pillows for the tooth fairy. You can look at them if you find the time, see what you missed," I snapped. I could no longer keep my calm and started raising my voice. I slowly began walking towards him, backing him up against the wall.

"You missed Thanksgiving. You missed your birthday and Christmas. You missed Christmas holiday, leaving me with two difficult children that wanted to see their 'daddy'. That hurt, you know. That they wanted you rather than me. After all, I was the one that actually was here with them, took care of them."

He closed his eyes tightly, but if he was trying to hold back his tears, it wasn't working. Logan's back hit the wall and I stopped walking too, not wanting to get any closer. Yet. "James and Carlos miss you too. They don't show it, but I can see it. Let's say there's this big hole in our conversations. Mom and Katie don't try to talk about you to me anymore, but I think they want to kill you."

"Kendall, please, stop it," Logan begged. He opened his eyes and looked up at me. The first time he really met my eyes. Not one emotion in his eyes did me something. Not the desperation, not the hurt, not the despise or fear or misery or sorry.

"And you missed Kegan's birthday. Kegan's fucking birthday! You promised us to be there, me and Kegan both! He cried pretty much the whole day, didn't leave my side once. He's so scared I'll leave too and he'd be all alone. The only way I could calm him down enough after the call you two had was the promise he could wear one of your shirts. That isn't even all; you didn't ruin only Kegan's day, but also Lizzy's. Not one of member of your family enjoyed that day."

He stared at me, more tears flowing down his face. He leaned back and slit down the wall, curling up on the ground and hiding his face for me in his knees like earlier on the couch.

"But I don't think you can call us _your_ family anymore. Not after what you did to us. You had no excuse to do this. No reason to hurt us like that. Never did you even try to fix all this, you just went on and on and on; breaking even more promises you made to us. Things you said you would do, but never did. And I never thought I would say this, but I hate y-"

"NO! Kendall, stop it!" He screamed at me.

And I smiled. "See? It's not that hard to say no. You do it all the time; you just say it to the wrong people. To us. You don't say no to your children, Logan. You definitely don't say no to me. You should've said no to stupid doctors that asked you to work more. Or did you do it out of yourself? I bet they didn't even have to ask you."

I grabbed him by his arms and pulled him up, slamming him against the wall. I pressed my right arm against his chest and put my left hand on his neck. He was shaking in fear and staring at me like he couldn't believe this was happening; shocked and terrified. "Why did you do it, Mitchell?"

"I d-d-don't kn-kno-ow," He whispered.

"Bullshit," I spat and gripped tighter on Logan's neck, making him gasp out. "You were hurting, because I couldn't get you pregnant. Yes or no?"

Logan was gasping for breath and tried to stretch out a little so his air pipe would get more space to let the air go through. "Y-y-es," He choked out, the noise barely louder than a summer breeze.

"It's a pathetic excuse for the things you did," I whispered. "I didn't do something like this, did I? And I'm not hurting less than you are. I spent months trying to convince myself you were doing this with a good reason. That you really were hurting and was trying to move on by focusing on your study. That you would come back to us when you were ready."

I went on. "Then I stepped over on a different theory. You wanted to get good grades and decided to do everything in a shorter time so you could spend more time with us before you would start working. It was an even lamer excuse than the first one."

"P-ple-please, K-Kendall, l-let me e-ex-explain..." He whispered, his voice hoarse from the lack of breath and the sobs that were still trying to come out.

"Give me one reason why I would listen to you. Did you listen to me, Mitchell? Did you remember even one of the things I told you in the past six months? Did you do the things I practically begged you to do? Did you ever apologize for anything? No. You didn't. Not once. So don't bother talking unless I ask you something."

He swallowed and tried nodding the best he could with my hand on his neck. I stepped closer to him and moved the arm on his chest to his wrist, pinning his hand next to his head against the wall. "You've any idea how much all of this hurt me?" I whispered. "How many sleepless nights I had? How worried I was about you? Everyday I found you gone I thought, 'Maybe he doesn't come back.' The first night you worked over without calling me was horror. You didn't pick up your phone or answered my texts. I was so happy when you came home in the morning, but you didn't even say hello to me. You didn't even look at me."

"You made me do everything on my own. I did everything in and around the house on my own, I wash, I cook, I clean and all while I so desperately wished for you to come home and be my little Logie again. That you would just lie with me in bed and talk to me. I'm so fucking lonely without you, Logan. I had three children and my two best friends around me 24/7, but I couldn't even enjoy their company, because you were constantly in my fucking mind."

I'd unconsciously began to squeeze the hand on his neck while I was talking. Logan's free hand flew up and tried to loosen my grip. It wasn't working.

"I hate it how much I depend on you. I barely function normally when I don't know how you're doing. If you're even alive. I hate it that after all you did to me, I still love you. That I want to forgive you, while you don't deserve it at all. Here I am, with my hand around your neck, so close to murdering you. But I don't even want to do that."

Logan's breath hitched as I took the last step closer, pressing my body against his. I slowly let go of his neck and arm and leaned forward to rest my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and placed my hands on his hips.

"I don't want you dead or a divorce or whatever it is that could part us. I just want to spend time with you again; talk with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to kiss you and hold you. I just want you in my life again," I whispered.

"It hurt so bad," I whispered. "I feel so miserable, but I can't show it because Keira and Kegan would notice. I just want to feel happy again, but I need you to be that." I stopped when I felt the anger coming up again. "But you weren't here."

I pulled away from Logan. "You weren't here while you should've been. You left me. You didn't take your responsibility for anything. You just dumped everything on me and left to do your own thing. And now I'm wondering; how could a relationship we had turn into something like this? It's your fault. It's all your fault."

I gripped his shirt in both hands and ripped it off his body. Logan gasped and shuddered in fear, staring at me like a deer in the headlights. I grabbed his shoulders and turned him around, slamming his front side against the wall and pressed myself to his back.

"We were so happy together. You were my life, made me stand up in the morning and fall asleep at night; knowing that you were safe and warm and well in my arms. The only thing that didn't work out as we wanted was the baby. Something we could've gotten over if you'd just talked to me." I dug my nails in the skin on his hips, he whimpered and a second later I felt warm liquid on some of my fingertips. I didn't care.

"You could've prevented this if you just talked to me about what is bothering you. Then you wouldn't have to search for a different solutions that causes all this drama and pain and heartbreak. And I wanted the same thing as you, remember? It hurt me too it wasn't working, but I didn't take it out on my husband like you did." I growled and bit in his neck to prevent myself from crying out in anger.

"You made me feel like I was a piece of shit. Like I was worth for nothing, because I couldn't give you what you wanted most. You left me to deal with my own feelings so you wouldn't get hurt. You left me here with our children, two completely innocent children, who wanted nothing more than to see their daddy. You never came to them and they took it out on me, while I'm the one that took care of them."

I started fumbling with the button and zipper of his jeans, pushing them down his legs as soon as I could.

"You're nothing better than your parents," I whispered disgusted.

I grabbed him and pulled him to the couch, bending him over the arm rest. "Can't believe how low you went to stay away from us. When you figured out you couldn't get pregnant anymore and our pointless fucking wasn't leading to anything, you should've grown closer to us instead of away from us. You should've been spending more time with us, enjoy what you have instead of wishing for something that isn't going to happen."

I pushed my pants and boxers down and kicked them away. Logan tried getting up, but I pushed him back scratching with my nails over his back.

"I just want you to be here every once in a while. I want to spend time with my husband. That's not wrong, is it? I want to go back to what we had, being happy and working on our family."

I grabbed his hips and positioned myself to his entrance. How I was hard would forever be a mystery. "Can't you just let me have that? A little time with you so I can have that tiny bit of affection and love I need? How bad is it to let me hug you and kiss you? How bad is it to talk to me and cuddle with me at night? I need that, Logan. I need that like air. I need you."

With one movement, I thrust into Logan. I moaned as I felt his soft, delicious heat surrounding me. I was almost too distracted to hear him cry out in pain, but at that moment I didn't care. It felt different, because normally I always looked at Logan's face when I entered him, but if I looked at his head now I only saw his hair.

This was the first time Logan and I had sex like this. Sure, we'd had a few wild nights among the usual love making -or fucking-, but never, ever, did I let Logan face away from me. I'd hate it. Not being able to see Logan's face and eyes when I moved inside of him. I wanted to be able to see it if I hurt him or gave him pleasure. The look on Logan's face on the moment he fell over the edge was what made me come undone every time.

But now... I was so angry I didn't want to see him. For once I didn't care about what he was feeling. It was about me now. About my anger and hurt and disappointment. He had to feel what I'd been going through the last few months. How much I missed him and wanted him to come home. How much it hurt me he didn't even listen to me anymore. How furious I was that he wasn't only letting me down, but his own children as well. The two little kids he gave birth too.

I wanted him to imagine what it was like to be so miserable as I've been. How miserable I still was.

But I still had one rule. One rule that was stronger than anything I wanted to do to him for leaving us like that. Something that was more important to me than making Logan feel guilty and making him beg for my forgiveness. It was that one thing I promised I would never do. Both because I wouldn't be able to live it down and I hurt the one thing that was more important to me than everything in the world together.

Never hurt Logan.

As much as I wanted to now, I could never hurt Logan. Not after I promised him I wouldn't ever hurt him about a million times. And it was like Carlos said; I would hate myself for it later if I did something to him now. After all Logan was still the love of my life. He meant so much to me that even now I would catch a bullet for him without a second thought.

But I was definitely hurting him now. I couldn't see Logan's face, since he was bend over the arm rest on the couch, but I did see the bruises that were already forming on his hips and the tension that stood on his backside from me pounding into him. And I heard the soft whimpers he let out, he tried to hold them in, but it wasn't working at all.

I quickly pulled out of him and backed up. The only noises that filled the room were Logan's panting and the occasional grunts in pain he let out, while he just laid there. For a few minutes I could only stare. Stare at the things I did to him. The bruises and little wounds on his hips. I definitely squeezed way too hard. The thin stream of blood that was running down the inside of his leg. But now I saw something else too. Something that scared me more than I thought possible.

Logan was way too thin. He'd always been scrawny, but from the muscle he did have was nothing left. His arms were hardly any thicker than my wrists, his ribs and shoulder blades were way too visible through his skin and his hip bones were sticking out so far I thought they were gonna tear his skin. His legs were not much more than bone with some skin around it.

It made me only feel worse that I hurt him. Which wasn't really fair since he'd been hurting me for six months, but I couldn't help it. Protecting and taking care of Logan was something so written in character I could never stop doing. It made me who I was, being with Logan. And wasn't that what they said? If you love them let them go? If Logan wanted this who was I to say he couldn't do it?

His lover. I had every right to claim him.

I slowly walked up to him and ran my hand over his back. Logan flinched, but didn't move and waited for what I was going to do. "Stand up," I said softly and took his hand to help him up. Logan did as I said and stood there, looking at the ground, his arms limply next to his body. I took a step closer and slipped my arms around his now even more slender waist, pulling him against me. Logan brought a bony hand up to put on my chest as he looked up at me, deeply ashamed.

I leaned in and kissed him softly. Logan reacted surprised, his lips moving a little more hesitant than normally. Or what was normal a year ago. It felt so good to do this again. To have him against me and exchange these soft, sweet kisses. "I didn't mean to hurt you," I whispered when I finally pulled away, resting my forehead against his, but not opening my eyes.

"I deserved it," Logan whispered back.

"Still. I promised not to. Ever."

"I hurt you. You're allowed to do it to me, even though that won't make up for what I did." His hands moved up from my chest, over my shoulders and neck to cup my face. He gently ran his thumbs over my cheek bones. He didn't even seemed faced by what just happened. I practically raped him. He must really think he deserved it or he would be a pathetic, sobbing mess by now.

"Want to finish what we started before talking?" He proposed.

"You're bleeding down there," I told him.

"I know. I should've relaxed when you pushed in. I'm okay now, you didn't tear anything," He said, softly running his fingers over my jaw.

I nodded and took a few steps backwards, pulling him along with me. I sat down on the couch and Logan straddled me. I hardly felt him there. It was almost like I was having Keira in my lap.

I wrapped my arms around him again, hating how it felt like I was hugging a broom stick. Logan leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine while tenderly running his fingers over my back. I kissed him back, almost bursting out in tears as I felt how passionate he was being, how soft and sweet and loving. This was all I needed and Logan knew it. He'd always known.

He knew I preferred his soft kisses over rough ones any day. He knew how much I liked it to hold him in my arms for a while every day. To cuddle with him on the couch and just enjoy each others company for a while. He knew I enjoyed the feather light touches he gave me, a hand through my hair, his fingertips over my jaw, a hand rubbing my back.

He showed it now. The kisses he gave me were without tongue or teeth, just soft movements of his lips on mine. His fingers that were brushing over my cheeks, my jaw line, my neck and collar bones, having just enough pressure to not be ticklish.

Logan gently rolled his hips, rubbing himself against me. We both gasped, having forgotten about the delicious intimate feeling it created between us. He leaned his head on my shoulder and nibbled on my pulse point with just his lips, while he continued rolling his hips until he felt we were both aroused enough.

I ran my fingers over his spine and whined softly every time Logan's member brushed against mine. It felt so, so good. I leaned my head on his breathing in deeply to get used to how he smelled again. His scent changed. It was no longer just Logan, but now the hospital smell was very evident too. I didn't like it.

I closed my eyes when I felt his hand on my member, guiding it to his entrance and slowly lowering himself down on me. He wrapped his arms around my neck again to steady himself, before lifting off me a bit and sliding down again. Logan buried his face in my neck again as he did it another few times. I bit my lip, still having my eyes closed. "Kendall," Logan whispered. "I missed you so much."

He rolled his hips with a little more force than at first, but could still be designated as gently. "I'm so sorry for everything I did to you."

He tightened his hold on me and nibbled on my skin again as he moved on me. "You're so incredibly important to me, so perfect. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't describe how much I despise myself for causing you so much pain."

"Logan..." I whispered, stroking up his sides.

"Shh, baby, don't talk," He mumbled, placing a soft kiss on my ear. "Let me try to make you feel loved again."

I whimpered and wrapped my arms tightly around his midsection, pressing him flush against me. "You're so brave, Kendall. For holding up for so long alone, but you don't have to anymore. You can let go, I'm here now. And I'll do anything to make it up to you."

I let my tears flow freely when he said the words. Logan noticed and began to kiss them away, while he continued to give me immense amounts of pleasure. The feelings I was having now were indescribably intense. The sweet pleasure from our love making, the feeling of Logan's warm body against mine, the things he said to me... It was all so relieving.

Logan was making love with me again, making me feel good. Something I hadn't experienced in such a long time. I was holding my baby, he was moving and breathing and had a heartbeat. He was safe; not entirely healthy, but safe. And his words... The sweet things he said went straight through my heart.

"I love you so much," He whispered. "I'm so in love with you, Kendall. I'm not going to risk losing you ever again. It's not worth it. Nothing is worth it when I can't experience it with you."

I gasped when I felt how close I was to releasing and opened my eyes to look at him. He was biting his lip and staring into my eyes, his own chocolate brown orbs filled with tears. I could see so much emotions in them it left me breathless. I could see he was hurting for me and resented himself for doing that. I saw the guilt and determination to make this right. But most of all I saw the love and devotion for me I missed so much. Things so important to me I couldn't even describe it.

I came when Logan squeezed around me, having came himself. I shuddered and gasped before I slowly came down from my high and started sobbing. "L-L-Logie, I-I m-missed y-y-ou s-o mu-m-much!"

"I k-know," he said guiltily. "I'm so sorry, Kendall. I'll do anything to make it up to you."

"S-stay with m-me?" I begged.

"Forever. Not ever letting you go, no one else has been so good to me as you have. Let me try to be as good to you."

"You a-al-already are."

"I hurt you so badly."

"You make me so happy, Logie. If you just let me have you once in a while."

"You can have me forever. I wouldn't care if you made us share a heart. I mean it, Kendall. If you wanted it, I will stay around you the whole day. And I can. I don't have to go to the hospital anymore."

He smiled at me and for the first time I saw a tiny glint of happiness in his eyes. "I quitted med school, Kendall. I've been so stupid all this time. I should've been here with you instead of at the hospital. My family matters to me way more than a stupid job; you matter way more than my dream of being a doctor. It's not even my number 1 dream anymore. I would give it up a thousand times to make you happy. Because you deserve it more than anyone."

I couldn't say anything, because of the tears. Logan slowly brought us down until we were both lying on our sides, all limbs still wrapped around the other and me still inside of Logan. It felt nice, being so close to him. "We've time, Kendall. We can decide in the coming weeks what you want. I'll do anything, I promise. I just want to get back to what we had, if that's what you want too."

I nodded and wiped the tears off my face. I felt a tiny smile lingering on my lips, Logan's whole face lit up when he saw it, making me smile a little wider too. "Thank you," I said softly. "I'll think about it."

He nodded, his smile faltering for a second before he reached up and cupped my face again. "I love you."

I closed my eyes and finally allowed myself to believe it. I instantly felt warmer and enjoyed the little flutter in my heart. Logan kissed my forehead, both my cheeks and my nose. "You look good, Kendall," He whispered, brushing his thumb over my bottom lip before kissing that too.

That made me open my eyes again. He made me think of something. "When did you stop eating?" I asked, moving a hand up to his rib cage to let him know I knew about it.

He looked away, ashamed. "I haven't eaten since you kicked me out," He whispered, still not looking at me.

I frowned, knowing that wasn't the complete explanation. "That isn't all, is it?"

Logan hesitated, but then seemed to realize it wasn't going to help his case if he lied about this. He knew how much I hated it when he lied to me about his health. "I started skipping lunch around Christmas. I then realized I could work so much more if I skipped breakfast too. The only times I ate from that time till last week was when I ate dinner here. Then I stopped completely. I guess I did it as a punishment for letting you down," He said blankly, with no emotion; as if he was talking about another person.

I tried to figure out why I hadn't noticed this before, but found the reason quickly. He was never here, and when he was, he wore a shirt. "You shouldn't do that," I said softly and ran and hand through his hair. "You shouldn't punish yourself, I'll do that when I think you deserve it. And you shouldn't stop eating. You're a doctor for crying out loud, you know how bad it is to skip your meals! Oh, I know what we're going to do first; getting you to eat again. You've got to stay healthy, sweetie. I don't want you to die."

He nodded quietly, choosing not to argue with me. I was already loving this 'I'll-do-anything-to-make-it-up-to-you' thing. It meant Logan wouldn't say one word against something I wanted. And if I wanted him to be healthy, he would do anything to get himself healthy again.

We laid there for a while, holding each other close and just looking at one another. I knew Logan wasn't leaving me here now. He wasn't going to do anything I might dislike. And I loved him for it. "Kiss me, Logie," I whispered. Longing, no aching, for more intimate contact. Logan didn't waste any time and pressed his lips on mine.

We made out for a long time. Slow, lazy kisses, because neither of us was in a hurry to go further. Logan's hand's were everywhere, while I kept mine mostly on his back. It was clear Logan wasn't going to stop until I wanted him to, which wasn't anytime soon.

It was far past midnight when I pulled away. It was getting cold and we were both naked. I slowly pulled out of Logan, not missing the soft whimper he let out but tried to hide. "C'mon," I mumbled and picked him up bridal style.

Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder. It didn't take me any effort to carry him up the stairs. "I should carry you," Logan said, pouting.

"You'll break in half." And I didn't like the idea of a half Logan at all.

"No, I won't! Put me down, I'm sure I can carry you to our room," He said determined.

I was skeptical, but put him down anyway. "Go ahead."

Logan wrapped his arms around my waist and tried to lift me off the ground. It worked... Half. I was more standing on the tips on my toes than Logan was supporting my weight. "See? I can do it," He said and took a step forward.

"Logan, I'm standing on my toes," I told him softly.

He swallowed and slowly let go of me. "Oh," he whispered.

"We'll work on it," I promised him pressing a kiss on his forehead. He was looking down, ashamed of himself again. "Come, let's get to bed."

Logan grabbed my hand and together we went to our bedroom. "Do you want to shower?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, let's just get cleaned up and go to bed."

Logan nodded and pulled me to the bathroom. He let go of me and filled the sink with warm water and a little liquid soap. He took a washcloth and pulled me towards him. He softly rubbed me clean, not forgetting anything. I stopped him when he wanted to get a towel to get me dry and pulled him against me so his back was against my chest. I grabbed the washcloth from the sink and began to return the favor while keeping him against me.

When we were done, Logan let the water out of the sink before turning back to me. He timidly stepped closer, placing his hands on my chest and slowly ran them up my shoulders and neck to my face. He pulled me down and kissed me. "I love you," He whispered.

I smiled and kissed him back. "I'll forgive you if you really are going to stay here with me," I whispered. I wondered if he noticed I hadn't literally said 'I love you' yet. He probably did, because every time he said it he got a hopeful look in his eyes that turned into disappointment when I didn't say the words.

He smiled at me sadly, before he looked down again. "I don't deserve it, Kendall. You're crazy for letting me be here."

"That's the thing about forgiveness; you don't get to decide if you deserve it or not, other people will do that for you. And I want to."

"Why?"

"Because I was pretty miserable without you. I just want you back, sweetie. I want to get a good night of sleep again. I don't want to have to worry about you constantly, but I guess that's not going to happen looking at your current state."

Logan wrapped his arms around himself awkwardly, embarrassed about his new habit. He really did became thin. Like a broom stick. I wondered how much weight he lost, but decided that could wait till tomorrow. I was glad I found out about this before he fainted in the hospital from the lack of food. I was sure his supervisors wouldn't have been happy finding out about this.

I kissed his forehead and then took his hand to pull him to our bedroom, to our bed. I was tired; exhausted even. I only realized it now, when I finally had back what I'd longed for for so long. Logan followed me timidly and stopped me at our closet. I pouted when I understood; we couldn't sleep naked together anymore when there was a change Keira or Kegan could walk in after a bad dream. That would be too awkward.

I sighed and pulled two pair of boxers from one of the drawers, not really thinking about the fact they were both mine. "Kendall, those won't fit," He whispered.

I looked at him confused and then realized what he meant. Even before he got all anorexic he only just fitted in my boxers, they would without doubt slide of his body now. So I switched and gave him a pair from his own wardrobe. He put them on and I grimaced when I saw even those were only just small enough to stay on his hips.

Logan didn't look at me when I took his hand again and pulled him to the bed. I got in first and watched happily as he got in next to me. He instantly snuggled up against me and wrapped his arm around my waist to keep himself there. I put one arm around his shoulder and tangled my fingers of the other hand in his hair, softly tugging on and playing with it.

"I'm sorry for disappointing you," He said softly. "I'll eat again and make this right, I promise."

I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead again. "You didn't disappoint me. I'm just scared, Logie. You're like a walking twig at the moment."

"You're too good, Kendall," He whispered.

I smiled and kissed his forehead. "I know."

"Good. I love you, Kendall. So much."

"I'm glad you're back, Logie."

"And I promise to not go anywhere anytime soon."

"Good," I whispered and nuzzled my nose in his hair. "We still have to talk about some things, though."

"I know," He said guiltily.

"Luckily we don't have to now, because I have you all to myself." That really made me feel happy.

"You have me forever, Kendall. Even if you do decide to kick me out again, but than for good. There's never going to be someone I can love as much as I love you. I don't want anyone else than you. If you realize you can get someone better than me and dump me, I'll never give up on you. I'm willing to do everything for you. I'm not taking this for granted, Kendall. I'll fight for my place here." His hand moved up my stomach until it was lying over my heart.

I closed my eyes as I imagined Logan wanting me forever. That would be too good to be true. But on the other side, he has been telling me the truth all day, so why would he suddenly lie? And then I let myself believe it was true what he said. Everything he said today.

It made me say something I'd been holding back unconsciously the whole day. "I love you, Logie. Please, don't leave me like that again."

Logan's eyes lit up when I said it. It was like he started shining and sparkling. It was worth it to say 'I love you' if he became so happy from it.

But he'd also heard the sentence I said after that. Logan crawled up a bit until he could place his head next to mine on the pillow. He wrapped his arms around my neck and leaned his forehead against mine. "I'm not ever going to leave you, or Keira, or Kegan, ever again. You're my life. I can live without a house, and money, clothes and books and electronics. But not without you. And I didn't realize it until I was about to lose you. I'm not going anywhere as long as you still want me. I love you."

I was probably smiling so widely I was going to tear my face in half. I flipped us over, Logan's arms never leaving my neck. I ran a hand over his cheeks and kissed him hard. Logan moved with me eagerly and pouted when I pulled away. I climbed off of him and opened the drawer of my bedside table, pulling out a little square box wrapped in red Christmas paper.

I sat up and crossed my legs, Logan soon following my example while he looked confused between me and the present. "What's that?" He asked eventually, when his curiosity took over.

"It's your birthday/Christmas present. I want you to have it."

He shook his head and looked down. "Kendall, I-"

"Just open it? I've been dying to give you this for four months now."

Logan looked at me with an unreadable look, before looking at the red box and back at me. It was like he was torn between two things. But then he reached out and took the present from me. "Thank you," He whispered and kissed my cheek.

I smiled and watched how he carefully took the red paper of the black box. Logan stared at me when he saw what it was. "You didn't."

"Logan! Open it!" I commanded.

He shook his head and looked back at his present. He carefully opened it, took one look at it and then lunged forward. He knocked me back against the bed. I was shocked for a minute; how did he manage to do that with a tiny body that hadn't had any food in ten days? But then I realized he was crying. He was grasping onto me tightly, his face buried in the crook of my neck. "K-Kendall," He sobbed. "Kendall, Kendall, Kendall."

I hummed softly and rubbed his back, trying to calm him down enough to talk to me. "Th-thank y-y-you," He managed to get out before he was overwhelmed with new sobs.

"You're welcome, sweetie," I whispered, rocking him gently. Secretly, I was glad he reacted so extreme to this. It showed me he really cared about this a lot.

After about ten minutes the crying got less and he wiped the tears off his cheeks. "Kendall," He said lovingly and snuggled his face in my chest. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

When Logan looked up he had a completely different look in his eyes. They still showed the love I'd missed for too long, but he seemed... happier. As if I opened a whole new world for him.

He sat up in my lap and grabbed the box, before grabbing my forearms and tugging at them to get me up too. As soon as I was sitting he held the box out for me. I looked at it confused, a déjà vu feeling creeping up. "You'll have to help me with it," He said. It was the exact same thing he said when I gave him the original necklace.

I took the box from him and took the necklace out of it. I carefully put it around his neck and admired the sight of it against his light skin. Logan smiled and leaned in to kiss me. I kissed back and slowly leaned back until we were lying again. Logan put his head back on my chest and didn't seem to have any intentions on getting off of me ever again. I was okay with that. Even more than okay.

"Kendall?"

"Yes?"

"Are we going to be okay?" He asked softly.

I thought about it for a minute, but the only thing I wanted to do was scream yes and tie our arms together so he could never get away from me again. I wanted to say yes and have him with me forever. So I decided I could say yes. Logan was going to stay with me. Everything would be fine as long as I had him. "Yes, sweetie."

He nodded and yawned. I glanced at the alarm and saw it was almost two am. "I love you, Kendall."

"I love you too, Logie." I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed the top of his head. "Sleep tight, baby."

"G'night," He whispered sleepily and kissed my collar bone. Not really long after that we were both asleep. The last thing I thought before falling asleep?

I have my Logie back.

**As if I could break Kendall and Logan up after I wrote two complete stories about their life together. Okay, from now on only good stuff is going to happen. With Kendall and Logan. I never said anything about James and Carlos. Muahahaha! Okay. What do you think? **


	7. Chapter 7

**Guys! I'm married! It happened thursday, after I read the review I got from Hikari no Kasai! I cried when I read it and couldn't let him just walk away! Who wouldn't want to marry someone that says such nice things about you! Really, go read it. It was so sweet and amazing and oh! I'm married! :)**

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><p>I woke up the next morning wondering why I slept so good. Then I remembered; Logan came back yesterday. He was staying home from now on to be with me. He still loved me and promised to make it up to me. I wanted to enjoy this as long as I could, so I kept my eyes closed. Maybe I could get James and Carlos to watch Keira and Kegan so I could have some time alone with Logan, but I knew I couldn't do that. Keira and Kegan wanted to spend time with Logan too.<p>

I sighed, feeling even more need to enjoy time with Logan now. I reached to my left, but he wasn't there. My eyes shot open and I looked around the room, but he wasn't here. My eyes filled with tears as I realized what this meant. He couldn't be doing this. He couldn't do this after last night, after everything he said. He couldn't be gone again. He couldn't leave me again.

I crawled out of bed and ran out of our room into Kegan's across from the hall. I almost cried out in relieve when I saw his car on the lawn. I ran out of the room, but closed the door behind me quietly so Kegan wouldn't wake up. I was already halfway the stairs when I heard someone calling for me.

I stopped and turned around. Logan was standing in the door opening of our bedroom, still in only his boxers. More tears slipped when I ran back to him and hugged him tightly, burying my face in the crook of his neck.

"Shh, Kendall. Don't cry," He whispered.

"I t-thought y-y-you l-left a-again," I sobbed.

"I would never do that to you again. I was just using the bathroom, silly," Logan said, his voice quivering. "C'mon, let's go back to bed."

He put an arm around me and guided me back in our room, towards our bed. He gently pushed me down on it and then went to close the door behind him. He came back to me and pushed against my shoulders until I was lying down, he straddled me relaxed on top of me after pulling the blankets over us. "I'm not leaving you, Kendall. I promise."

The tears were slowly coming to a stop and I wrapped my arms around his tiny body on top of me. "I was just scared, I guess. It's going to take a while before I get over that," I mumbled.

"I'll help you, Kendall. I promise." He moved up a bit until his face was next to mine. I leaned forward and kissed him softly, Logan immediately going along with it. "I love you," He whispered.

I smiled and kissed him again, this time a little more needy. I wanted him to keep kissing me forever. Apparently Logan got the hint, because put his arms on either side of my head and licked softly until I let him inside my mouth. I ran my fingers all over his body, but where ever I came I felt bones and small hairs.

It was really frustrating to be kissing with someone that was the love of your life, but didn't feel like him. And during a making out session I normally had my eyes closed, which made it almost impossible for me to believe the twig above me was really Logan. There was only one things that told me this was really Logan. For the first time in my life I was thankful for the scars on his stomach.

Not exactly something I liked.

While Logan continued kissing me I entwined my fingers with his to keep mine from wandering over his body. It disgusted me. I finally had my Logie back, was he all fucked up. I wanted this to be a happy time, but that wasn't going to happen until Logan was on full weight again. Or at least close to it.

I wished he was overweight instead of this. That was less dangerous than this.

"Logie, stop," I whispered and squeezed softly in his hands to get his attention.

He stopped kissing me, but traded his fingers in my hair and began playing with it. "What is it? I thought you wanted-"

"I do! Just not with you!" I said, not realizing Logan probably wouldn't take it the way I meant it.

His eyes filled with tears of pain and fear. He was terrified. "A-are y-you chea..." He didn't finish the question and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them again the tears were gone and the emotions from earlier were driven back. I only saw a glint of them behind the fake smile. "T-that's fine. I'll j-just w-wait here s-s-so you can go see y-your l-lover- I m-mean that other p-person. I d-don't m-mind, I'll s-s-share y-you."

He was already climbing off of me, but I grabbed his wrist and stopped him. "What? Logan, I didn't mean it that way! I'm not cheating on you, sweetie," I said and ran the back of my hand over his cheek.

A tiny smile came onto Logan's face as he straddled me again and leant forward to rest his head on my shoulder. "You scared me," He whispered and kissed my neck.

"I noticed. Didn't mean to."

Logan kissed my neck again and put his hand on my upper arm. "Then what did you mean?" He asked.

"It's just that you don't really feel like you anymore. You changed a lot and when I've my eyes closed it's really hard to imagine you are really you," I said, rubbing his back gently.

He nodded and was quiet for a while. "I will eat again, I promise," He answered softly.

I smiled. "I'll get used to this too in a few days, but I really, really want to have you how you were again. And please promise me something?"

"Anything," He said immediately.

"Don't make yourself throw up? You constantly say you'll eat, but that means nothing when you make it come out again."

Logan nodded, kissing my jaw softly. "How about I promise you I'll gain weight? Do you believe me then?"

"Yes. Thank you." I turned my head to meet his lips. We kissed slowly, our tongues meeting and gently caressing. We were so caught up in our sweet make out that we didn't hear the door opening.

"Ew! Why do you do that?" Kegan cried as he covered his eyes with his hand, but peeked through the gap between his fingers. Keira was standing behind him, giggling softly.

Logan quickly pulled away and sat up, holding the blanket up against his chest. I'd seen women do that in countless movie to covers their breasts, but Logan didn't exactly have those so it took a moment to figured out why he did that. He was hiding his skinniness for our children so he wouldn't scare them.

"Because I love daddy, Kegan," I said and sat up as well, putting a hand on Logan's lower back. He smiled at me and leaned into my side.

"Oh," Kegan said and put his hands down. He came up to us and crawled in our bed, Keira following his example. "Why don't we do that?" He asked me confused. "'Cause I love you too."

I laughed and ruffled his hair. "It is something only married people do."

That seemed to be enough explanation. "Okay," He said happily and snuggled into Logan's blanket covered chest, pushing his sister out of the way.

"I was sitting with daddy!" She said and tried to pushed Kegan away.

"That's true, Kegan. Come sit with me," I said. Kegan pouted, but left Logan's lap to crawl into mine so Keira could cuddle with her daddy again. Logan played with her hair, he softly pulled at one of her extra curly locks until it was almost straight and then let go, making it jump back.

"What are we going to do today? Play soccer again?" He asked hopeful.

"Maybe, Kegan." I kissed the top of his head. "Why don't you and Keira go downstairs and watch some tv, take something to drink. Daddy and I will be down soon too, okay?"

They nodded and climbed off the bed, Keira closed the door behind her. I pushed Logan down and hovered over him. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. This one a little rougher than the one from before.

"Mmm," I moaned. "Wanna make love to me tonight?"

"Always," He muttered between kisses.

"Good." I gave him a last kiss and then pulled away. "Come on. Get up. We've to do something else before I'm going to make you eat," I said and got out of bed. Logan pulled a face at the word eat, but didn't say anything.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bathroom. I kneeled in front of the closet under the sink and pulled out the scale. "The fact you promised doesn't mean I'm not going to watch you like a hawk," I explained when I saw the unbelievable expression on his face. I put the scale down in front of him. "Now step on it."

He didn't fight me. Maybe this was part of his 'I'll-do-anything-to-make-it-up-to-you' strategy. I didn't care honestly, as long as he did what I said.

He timidly stepped onto the scale, not looking down at what the numbers that told me his weight. 105.

105. That meant he lost 40 lbs. That meant he was only a little more than twice as heavy as Keira was. But she was five and he was 26. Logan had stepped off the scale when he heard the beep, signaling the scale was done weighting him. He wasn't looking at me, just staring at his feet.

I sighed. This was more weight loss than I expected. I had seen pictures of people with weight problems before, but Logan was only half as bad as they were. His face barely changed since he quit eating and on the pictures it looked like those people had sucked their cheeks into their mouths. If Logan wore a shirt and pants, the only thing you could use as a sign he was underweight were his hands. They were too bony.

I put the scale back in the closet and got up. I pulled him in for a hug and put my chin on top of his head. "How much weight can a normal person gain in three weeks?" I asked.

"Depends. With three meals a day and snacks between them, all with a lot of calories, I would say 6 to 8 pounds. But I won't reach that, Kendall. My stomach isn't used to eating so much. It'll take longer to gain that much for me."

"Between 4 or 5, is that reasonable? In three weeks?"

He thought about it for a while. "I guess."

"Than we're going to try that. At least 4 lbs by the beginning of April, hopefully more."

Logan nodded, but didn't say anything. I held him close to me and rubbed his back. "C'mon," I whispered after a few minutes. "Take a shower. I'm going to make waffles for breakfast."

He nodded and pulled away from me. I kissed his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too," He whispered. I smiled at him before turning around and walking out of the bathroom. "Kendall, wait," He said urgently.

I turned around and was instantly met with Logan's little body against my chest. "What's up, baby?" I asked and wrapped my arms around him tightly.

"Don't e-expect too m-much f-from me?" He practically begged with tears in his eyes. "I r-really, really w-want t-to m-make this r-right a-and I h-hate to a-ask you for a-a f-favor, b-but I j-just c-can't eat m-much. I'll t-t-try really h-hard, but-"

"Shh. It's alright, Logie," I mumbled, brushing his tears away. "Don't worry about it, okay?"

He let out a sob, but quickly got a hold on himself and ran his hands up my chest. "Thank you," He whispered.

I felt him snuggling a little closer. "Let's forget about that shower. How about you just stay with me?" I proposed and kissed the top of his head.

He nodded and smiled weakly. "Don't think about it anymore. If you just try I'll be happy. And you like waffles, right?"

He grinned shyly. "It's been a while since I had one."

"That's what I thought. Luckily you've a husband that makes the best waffles with strawberries in the whole world," I said, drawing out the word 'world.'

Logan giggled wrapped his arms around my neck. "I would love that, dear husband."

"Let's go then." I put my arms under his knees and behind his back and lifted him up bridal style. Logan squeaked and tightened his hold on my neck. I walked out of the room and stopped at our bed, gently setting him down on it. "What do you wanna wear today?"

He blushed and looked down, shuffling his feet nervously. "I, uhm, I want to wear one of your shirts."

I inwardly did a happy dance; I'd hoped for that answer. So I grabbed two of my most comfortable shirts and sweat pants for both of us. I had decided what we were going to do today, and we definitely wouldn't need normal casual clothing. We were just going to stay home and be lazy; watch some movies with the kids, eat way more than is good for a normal person and cuddle together on the couch.

Once we were both dressed I picked him up again and carried him all the way down to the kitchen. I swirled him around, smiling down at him. Logan giggled and wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling himself up to kiss me. "Love you," He whispered, while giving me an Eskimo kiss.

"Love you too, sweetie," I whispered back.

"Ahh. Look at that, James! Logan's still alive!"

"I'm not blind, Carlos. You know what this reminds me off?"

"Don't leave us hanging, Jamie."

"This is just like before they had Keira! I became so sick of their cuteness and was so glad it was finally over, but now they're starting all over again! Please, safe me from this hell!" James placed the back of his hand on his forehead and acted like he was going to faint.

I rolled my eyes, but set Logan on the ground. I didn't let go of him though. I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind and rested my chin on top of his head. "Just let me, okay? I finally can."

Logan put his hands over mine and squeezed softly. "Whenever you want," He whispered and kissed my cheek.

"Oh god!" James gripped his stomach and made retching noises. Carlos rolled his eyes at him and slapped the back of his head. "Ouch! Carlos that hurts!"

"I know," Carlos said. "That's why I did it."

"You're my husband. Aren't you supposed to be nice to me?"

"Not me."

James fake pouted, but put his arm around Carlos' waist. "I'm gonna get you back for that, you know," He told Carlos.

The Latino grinned. "I'm counting on it."

"Alright," Logan said. "I forgot how often we made suggestive remarks to each other."

"Yeah, you missed a lot," James said, smirking widely.

"I don't know if I'm sad or glad about that."

"Be glad," I said. "They were terrible."

"All payback, my friend," Carlos said. "So. What are we going to do today?"

I gestured to our clothes. "Does this give you an idea? We're doing absolutely nothing today."

"That's so boring! Come James, we're going home again, apparently it's more exciting there than here."

"What! But it's Sunday, remember? Kendall always makes waffles on Sunday, that's why we came here in the first place!"

"Oh, yeah! Kendall makes waffles for us!" Carlos said enthusiastically.

I groaned. "Fine! I'll make waffles for you, but then you leave us alone for the rest of the day."

"Sure, Kendall. We don't even want to be here when you're gonna be all over Logan all the time."

Logan blushed and looked down. I chuckled, "Sure Carlos, like I can with my children around."

"Ha! You just admitted you wanted to do that!" James smirked.

"I never denied it, did I?" I tightened my hold on Logan, pulling him a little closer.

"Alright enough. Kendall, make us waffles. Now," Carlos commanded. He grabbed Logan's arms, pulling him away from me. I kissed Logan's cheek before letting him go. He, James and Carlos went to the living room to keep our children company.

I turned to the counter and started working. Getting waffles out of the fridge and the waffle maker from one of the closets under the counter. I honestly didn't mind doing this. Every Sunday people came here because I made waffles. Sometimes even Katie and Dak and mom. I liked making all my family members happy.

But now I just wanted to be with my Logie. I wanted to have him around me, see him when I turn around and touch him when I wanted to make sure he was really here and I wasn't dreaming. I thought about going to the living room and steal him back from James and Carlos, but dismissed the idea quickly. I didn't want to look desperate. Even though I was.

I started cleaning strawberries, since I knew Logan liked them and I wanted to make him eat. That would probably go easier with food he liked. I also had another plan, to make sure he ate. I decided to not eat from my food, until he finished his. With other words, I would blackmail him into eating and if he didn't I wouldn't either.

I flinched when I felt a hand on my back, but relaxed when I realized it was Logan's. "Hey," He said.

I turned around, smiling when I saw him. He smiled too and stepped closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I missed you," He whispered. "I don't want to go away from you anymore."

"I don't want you to go either." I kissed his cheek. "Stay with me?"

"Love to," He muttered and pressed his face in my chest. I held him close and closed my eyes. Logan was here. He was in my arms, holding onto me tightly. Yesterday around this time I thought he would never come back to me, but here he was. I had my Logie back. And he loved me.

Logan looked up at me. "While I was away, my biggest wish was that you would hold me again. I wanted nothing more than to go home and hide in your arms. That you would hold me tight and whisper it would all be okay again, like you always did. But then I realized that if there was anyone that was allowed to seek comfort I was you. And here we are, but again you are holding and comforting me, while you've been hurting so much I can't believe you still function normally. How do you do it?"

I ran my hand over Logan's cheek. "I like holding you. I like taking care of you. It makes me feel like you need me."

"I need you so much," He whispered. "I never knew why you would need me for anything. You're always so strong and independent and ever since we were friends you've been looking out for me."

"You should've seen me two days ago," I said softly. "I'm nothing without you, Logie. I cried in the shower and when I went to bed. I would've cried all the time if Keira and Kegan weren't here. I missed you so fucking much and thought I lost you forever by kicking you out. I was constantly telling myself that I would survive even if that happened, but now I'm sure, I wouldn't have survive a day if I knew I would never have you again."

Tears were swimming in Logan's eyes as he stared at me. "I promise I'll never do that to you, Kendall. I promise," He whispered, the pain so clear in his voice.

"Good," I whispered back. I leaned down a bit and rested my head on his shoulder.

I had no idea how long we were standing like that and I didn't care. If I could I would never let go of Logan again. I would hold him like this until we died at the exact same time and even after that; I wanted to share a casket with him. I wanted to lie next to my Logie forever.

"I love you so much," I whispered in his ear. "It's insane, Logie. Can you feel it? How my heart is only beating for you?"

He brought his hands up and gently cupped my face, turning my head to make me look at him. "I love you," He whispered back. "I'm not leaving you ever again."

He slowly pulled my head down and kissed me. It was so much like all our other kisses and still it was so different. It was a promising kiss, one that told me Logan was serious about this. That he really wanted to stay with me forever.

I smiled when he pulled away, earning a smile back from him. "I really have to finish making breakfast, Logie," I said.

He sighed. "Yeah, you should." He pulled away, but didn't leave the kitchen. Instead he sat in his chair at the table. I smiled wider, loving the sight of it. It'd been a while since he sat on that chair to just sit here and talk with me.

I turned back to the counter and continued cutting and cleaning the strawberries. "Where did you go after I kicked you out?" I asked him. I was curious, because I'd thought he was at the hospital the whole time, but he quit med school, so he couldn't have been there.

"I rented a room in the cheapest and most dirty hotel I could find," He answered.

"Why?" I asked, kinda grossed out.

"Because I didn't feel like I deserved any better."

I nodded, understanding what he meant. I'd no idea what I would've done in his situation, but this sounded logical.

I grabbed the plates from the closet above the stove and put them on the counter in front of me, filling each one of them with a waffle and strawberries. I'd whipped cream too, but I waited with that. It would melt too quickly with the warm waffle.

"What did you get Kegan for his birthday?" He asked quietly. I turned my head to look at him, but he was facing the other way, staring out of the window.

"I got him a bike. He'd been asking for one since Keira got one for her birthday. He's really happy with it."

He nodded slowly, turning his gaze to the table. "I missed so much of his life," He said softly. "In the beginning I didn't even notice, but then I missed his first steps and his first sentence and more of that stuff. I figured that I missed so much of that stuff already, it wasn't really worth it to stay here and see more of it. You were right about that, I've no idea what he is like. I don't even know basic stuff like his favorite food or color or animal."

"Pancakes, red and turtles," I told him quietly.

He looked up and gave me a tiny smile. "It's different with Keira, because she's practically a clone of me and I've known her longer, but I never noticed how good she can draw. She's amazing at it."

"Yeah, she is," I said, taking the whipped cream from the refrigerator and putting some on five of the seven plates. James and Keira didn't like that white stuff. Logan didn't really like it either, but it had a lot of calories. It would be good for him.

"Can you help me with these?" I asked him, gesturing to the plates on the counter.

He nodded and got up while I took the first two to the living room.

"Finally! I'm hungry! What took you so long?" Carlos asked and reached out for a plate. I chuckled and pulled it away from him, giving Lizzy and Kegan their food first.

"Hey!"

"You're getting last," I told him. "Waiting makes the food better when you finally get it."

"No it doesn't," He said, pouting.

I went back to the kitchen, Logan came past me with the two plates without whipped cream. "For who are these?" He asked me softly.

"James and Keira," I said. He nodded, looking away from me and walking to the living room.

I watched him walk away, feeling sorry for him. It must hurt he didn't even know the simplest things about us. I would've to do something about that. It was his own fault, I know, but if I wanted everything to go back to normal Logan had to be happy too.

I brought the last three plates to the living room, handing one to Carlos and Logan. I put my own on the table. I wasn't going to eat before Logan ate at least a quarter of his food.

He was struggling with it already. Playing with his fork and shoving strawberries from one side to another. I saw Carlos looking at him too, but when he raised his eyebrows at me questionable I shook my head, mouthing 'later.'

After five full minutes he finally seemed to have found enough courage took a bite. I smiled when I saw he liked it and was more eager to eat than he led on. I understood it was hard for him to eat again after so long of not eating anything, but how hard could it be to eat something as delicious as this was?

Logan put a second bite of strawberries in his mouth and caught sight of my plate on the table, still untouched. He looked at me, frowning. I said nothing, just nodded to his own food. His eyes widened slightly when he understood what I meant. He glanced at me again, a pained look in his eyes, before lowering his head.

Now both James and Carlos were looking at the scene weirdly, but neither of them had an idea of what was going on. The children were oblivious to everything and just watched SpongeBob on the tv, all three of them had finished their food and were sitting on the floor in front of the tv.

"Lizzy, why don't you take Keira and Kegan and show them your swing?" I asked her. I smiled satisfied when all their faces lit up and they got up to go next door.

Carlos opened his mouth as soon as they were out the door. "Why aren't you eating?" He asked me. "And why aren't you eating?" He then asked Logan. He frowned, "I'm confused."

"I'm not eating until Logan ate his breakfast," I told them. Logan glared at me, but I simply ignored it.

"And Logan wouldn't eat his food, because...?" James asked.

"Don't tell them, Kendall. Please?" Logan asked. From his earlier glare was nothing left, his eyes now held a pleading look.

I thought about it for a moment, but decided to ignore it. I needed James and Carlos to know. They were our friends, they wouldn't tell anyone else. And if I had to go somewhere I wanted them to make sure Logan ate.

"Logan decided it was a good idea to skip his meals so he could work longer. If he's not eating, I'm not eating either. Let's see how can keep that up the longest." Logan lowered his head in shame.

"Oh," Carlos said. He and James both looked at Logan worriedly, studying the only visible part of his body; his arms and hands. What they saw clearly worried them even more.

"Eat," I commanded when I realized Logan had stopped. He took his fork and started eating some more strawberries.

James and Carlos seemed to be genuinely worried and were looking at him more careful. "How much weight did you lose?" James asked softly.

We waited a minute, but Logan didn't look like he was planning on answering his question. So I answered instead. "40 lbs."

"That much?" James asked unbelievably. "I'm, like, what is it, Carlos? Two hundred pounds?"

"One eighty," Carlos answered.

"One five," I said, when I figured Logan wouldn't answer again. "Hey, if something comes up and I've to go, is it okay if I drop all three of them with you?"

Carlos and James both nodded, a serious look on their faces. It also got a reaction out of Logan. He stared at me as if he didn't believe I really did this. "I promised you I would eat again, didn't I? Multiple times. Can't you just trust me on this? I don't need a babysitter. I'm not a child."

"I'm doing this for you. I want to go to the hospital with you again. And this are James and Carlos, it's not like I'm telling total strangers. They won't even tell anyone, right?"

Both of our friends nodded, but Logan just ignored it. He narrowed his eyes at me, fighting back tears, before getting up and walking away. I heard him going up the stairs and into our bedroom.

"I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?" I asked James and Carlos.

"No," Carlos said soothingly. "But I can imagine it feels kind of... Humiliating."

"I get that, but it isn't my fault," I said.

I took my breakfast of the table and started eating. James and Carlos kept me company while I ate and chatted about random stuff.

When I was done, they both got up. "We're going home to make sure the kids aren't pulling each other's hair out.

I just raised my eyebrows and James smiled. "There are only two places on the swing, they can't all have their own. And Lizzy isn't exactly used to sharing. So..."

"Ah. Okay. That's probably a good idea then."

"Oh, don't forget your mom comes tonight. It's time for the monthly family meeting."

I groaned. I totally forgot about that. "Thanks for reminding me. You're cooking right?"

"It's actually your turn... But you know what? Carlos and I will sacrifice our day for you."

"Thank you," I said relieve. "If there's anything you need you can call me."

"Oh, I will. See you tonight."

They left and I brought the dishes to the kitchen. I put them in the dishwasher and thought about what I was going to do now. I was going to Logan, of course, but I had no idea what I would do then. I sighed. Life was difficult.

I walked up the stairs and towards our bedroom. The door was still open and I could see Logan sitting next to the window on the ground, staring out of it. I walked up to him and sat down beside him. I could now see what he was looking at, three children playing on a swing.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked softly. He ignored me; that was answer enough for me. "It's for your own good, sweetie."

He looked at me shortly and sighed. "I just hoped that you trust me after I promised you I would eat. I guess I shouldn't have expected so much. You've every right not to trust me after what I did."

"I do trust you, Logan, I just-"

He laughed softly. "I wanted to do this to prove you I'm serious about doing everything to make it up to you. But if you're gonna be so strict, I can't show you I _want_ to this, because you're _making _me do this. Then it'll look like I'm doing this against my will, but that isn't true. I really, really want to eat again and give you what you want, but it doesn't mean nearly as much when it is also an order from you."

I smiled sadly and put my arm around his waist. "I understand what you mean and I really appreciate it. I do trust you when you say you'll eat and won't throw up. This is just to easy my own mind. I feel better when I know someone is looking after you, no matter how much I trust you. I now know what your intentions were and I'm so happy you want to do this yourself, it's just-"

Logan's lips were on mine, kissing me softly. I smiled and kissed him back. "I understand," Logan whispered when he pulled away. "It's okay. I'll do what you say."

"Thank you," I whispered back, pulling him towards me again for another kiss. I shifted our positions so that I was sitting against the wall with Logan in my lap.

He put his head on my shoulder. "I do kinda feel like a baby," He said with a chuckle. "Keira and Kegan can play outside, but I've to stay around you all day. I don't mind," He added quickly when he realized how that must have sounded. "But that doesn't take away the feeling."

I chuckled, running my hand up and down his side. "I get it."

It was silent for a few minutes. We just sat on the ground and enjoyed being close to each other.

"I heard about the family meeting thing," He said softly. "Am I invited?"

"Of course you are!" I said shocked. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"Because I didn't exactly act like a member of this family?"

"You're coming with me, Logie. If they want you to leave, I'm going too. Besides, they can't avoid you forever."

"I guess your mom and Katie don't really like me anymore, do they?"

I hesitated, but didn't see the point in lying. He would see for himself tonight. "That's true, but maybe if they see you're really sorry about this all they'll forgive you and move on. And my opinion counts too. If they see I'm willing to forgive you, maybe they'll go easier on you."

He nodded uncertainly. "How mad are they exactly?"

"They're- let's say- it's not so bad..." I sighed. "They're furious."

"I figured," He whispered. "And Dak and Mr. Bitters?"

"Dak sides with Katie. She's kind of... The dominant one in their relationship," I smirked. "Reginald just tries to stay out of it. He likes you, because you were the one that held us back and made sure we didn't completely ruined his hotel."

"At least that's something," He muttered. "What time are we going over there?"

"Depends. Do you want to be there before or after mom and Katie arrive?"

He thought about it for a minute. "Before."

"Than we're going over there five thirty. They other mostly come at six, so you've a little time to prepare yourself."

"That would be nice," He whispered and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Anything else I need to know before I see them again after six months?"

"I don't think so... Maybe I'll think of something later. But, hey!" I said happily.

"Hey, what?"

"We're alone," I said suggestively. Logan smiled too and pressed his lips to mine. There was no better way to forget about what was going to happen tonight than kissing. Kissing with my Logie.

* * *

><p><strong>I don't know how I feel right now. I guess I'm happy they're back together, but I wished I could give you a more happy chapter about their life. I don't know… Oh well. They'll be happy again soon enough.<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

I sat on the couch in James' and Carlos' house talking with Carlos about Lizzy and Kegan going to kindergarten soon. They would be going to the same school as Keira, only a grade below her. Kegan was scared while Lizzy was excited for it. I hoped the fact that they would go together to the same class would help him a little.

Logan was sitting next to me, leaning into my side. I had my arm around his waist, but the close contact wasn't doing anything for his nerves. He wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing my mother and sister again. I understood, because they were really mad at him for hurting me.

We spent quite a good day together. After we talked we made out for more than two hours, eventually ending up naked. We had to stop because Keira and Kegan came home for lunch. They had a pretty good time playing on Lizzy's swing set, but like I predicted, they wanted to spend time with Logan.

Logan ate more during lunch, almost the whole sandwich I made for him, which was more than Kegan ate. I was happy with that. And he looked better. I hadn't noticed before, but he looked kinda pale. But now that he ate something he had a little blush on his cheeks. I loved it.

So we played games till three pm, because then James called he didn't have any stuff for a salad and asked me to make one. So I did that while Logan talked and laughed with Keira and Kegan. He did look a lot happier after that. It was like he felt more at home, which was probably true. It'd been a while since he was here a whole day and he had to get used to the rhythm again.

And then it was suddenly a quarter past five and we had to get ready to go next door. Logan helped me getting the children in clean clothes before changing into different clothes himself. I bit my lip when I saw even his own shirts looked big on him and it took a while before he found one that didn't completely fell off his body.

We went to our friends' house and indeed we were the first. James was now setting the table for eleven persons and Carlos was talking with us. Logan squirmed when he heard even the softest sound of a car and leaned into me further every time. I tried to calm him down a little, but it wasn't exactly working.

"Carlos! Come help me get the food ready!" James yelled from the kitchen.

Carlos sighed. "Coming!" He yelled back, before turning to us. "Sorry, Kendall. We do have to talk about that later, when Lizzy's going to school too, it's not fair to let you bring them everyday."

He walked away before I could say something. I didn't mind bringing and getting the children to and from school. It wasn't like I had a job to worry about; James and Carlos did. Logan didn't have a job either, but ever since this morning I had an idea in my head I couldn't shake off easily.

I was thinking about letting Logan finish his study. On one side, the idea terrified me. What if he went back to the hospital and we got stuck in the same circle all over again? I wouldn't be able to handle that. I was terrified to even let go of Logan now and I honestly had no idea why I was doing this to myself; why I was even considering this?

On the other side, I thought that now Logan knew how I felt, he would never do something to hurt me ever again. I would really be counting on that if I decided to give him this. I just... This had always been Logan's biggest wish. The whole day he never showed any sign that he missed the hospital or university. He seemed genuinely happy to be here.

But I knew that if I gave him the chance to finish it and be a doctor, he would grab it with both hands. I would just have to convince him I was okay with it and then he would do it.

I guess I did it because I wanted Logan to have everything he ever wanted. And there were certain... Advantages when your husband was a doctor. He would earn a lot of money, which was always good. He would have free passes to a lot of things, due to connections and everything. And I would have a husband that is a doctor. You know how jealous everyone will be when I tell them that? Who wouldn't want to be married to a doctor?

I was going to think about this more. But if I was really honest, I already knew what was going to happen. I loved Logan too much.

Logan flinched when he heard a car passing by. I squeezed softly in his hip. "Relaxed, sweetie," I whispered.

"I'm scared," He whispered.

"Don't be. This are Katie and my mom, Logie. You've known them your whole life."

"Do you remember last night, how mad you were? I don't know if I'm going to survive two other Knights. Certainly not two female Knights."

"It'll be fine," I said soothingly.

He looked at me doubtfully. I smiled and brought my hand up to his cheek. "Don't worry so much, okay?" I said before kissing him softly. Logan seemed to enjoy this and moved his lips with mine. We quickly got lost in our kiss, but I didn't really care about who saw us. It had been a while since I could kiss Logan whenever I wanted and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me.

"Hello!" I heard Katie say from the hall. Logan pulled away and stared at me, his eyes wide in fear.

"Just relax, baby," I whispered and got up. I took his hand and pulled him up. Logan hesitated another moment and looked longingly at the backdoor, but I didn't give him the chance to walk away and wrapped my arm around his waist.

We slowly walked towards the hall where I heard Katie, Dak, James and Carlos talking together excitedly. Like I expected all mouths shut when I appeared; with Logan.

There was full minute of silence. Katie and Dak just stared at Logan, not knowing how to react just yet. I never let go of his waist and stood next to him like a rock. I wanted things to go back to normal; that also meant Katie, mom and Logan would have a normal relationship with each other.

"Logan," Katie said eventually. Her voice hard and cold. My 21 year old sister still didn't know the word mercy. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm, uhm, trying to apologize f-for what I did by being h-here tonight to s-show you I d-do care about you all," He said softly. He never looked away from Katie though. He stayed calm under her hateful glare.  
>"What a pathetic excuse," She spat. "Great. I had amazing news, but my night is already ruined."<p>

"Katie!" I snapped. "Can't you just give him a chance?"

"You honestly believe he's going to stay now?" She asked me, not believing one word of it. "He left you, Kendall! You were a fucking mess and you still let him come back? I can't believe how stupid you are! But fine, if you like it to get hurt, go ahead. Just don't come crying with me when I turned out to be right."

I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of doubt. Logan promised to do anything to make it up to me, then why am I not so sure anymore?

She grabbed Dak's wrist and pulled him into the kitchen, away from us. James and Carlos followed them after exchanging a doubtful look with each other. Once they were all gone Logan turned to me, desperation the most evident emotion in his eyes. "Don't believe what she says, Kendall," He whispered. "I know what I did, but I'm not going to do it again. I love you too much to loose you. Please, Kendall."

I smiled sadly, feeling all my worries go when I saw the true fear and love in Logan's eyes. It didn't matter what Katie thought. I could see it. I saw that he really wanted to stay with me and make me happy. That was what mattered to me.

"I know, Logie," I said, running my hand down his back.

"Do you want me to go home?" He asked quietly. "I'm sure it'll be a lot nicer here when I'm gone."

"Definitely not," I whispered, kissing him softly. "I'll miss you so much I won't be able to enjoy the dinner. You're staying with me."

He smiled at me and stood on tip toes to kiss me. I smiled into it too and hugged him tightly. "I'm so happy you're back, Logie."

"I'm glad to be back too," He told me honestly.

"Are you still gonna make love to me tonight?" I asked him, running the back of my hand over his cheek.

"Whenever, wherever you want, Kendall," He said, moving his hands up over my stomach to my chest.

I grinned, kissing him a last time. "Let's go to the kitchen. I can't wait to see Katie's face when she sees you didn't leave after what she said. I still love to win fights I have with her."

Logan chuckled and let me take his hand to guide him to the kitchen. The conversation stopped again when we came in, but I didn't really care and sat with Logan on the other side of the table. Maybe if Katie saw Logan was really making me happy she would warm up to him a bit.

We sat close to each other in our chairs. I put my arm back around Logan's waist and pulled him against me. It felt good to have him close. Logan's hand was on my leg, softly rubbing with his thumb. We talked with each other, seeing as James and Carlos were talking to Dak and Katie and since the last couple didn't exactly like us at the moment, it was better to stay out of it.

It was nice. Tuning everything else out so it felt like I was alone with my Logie. I really wanted to have a little time alone with my baby. Really alone. We would lie in bed together, completely naked, softly caressing each other, kissing every possible place and just looking and talking and holding and laughing.

About ten minutes later the children came downstairs. They were happy to see their Auntie Katie, but eventually both Kegan and Keira came up to us; to Logan. Currently Keira was sitting his lap and playing with his hand, while Kegan was telling Dak all about soccer. He was here to hug both of us a few minutes ago, but decided other people were more interesting right now.

"Are you leaving again soon?" Keira asked Logan, not really happy.

"No, honey," He answered. "I'm staying with you and Kegan and papa from now on."

Her whole face lit up. She didn't expect that. "Really?"

"Really, Keke. I can bring you to school tomorrow if you want?" He proposed.

She nodded and looked down; again she lacked enthusiasm when it was about school. There really was something going on.

"You can show me everything you made and introduce me to your teacher-"

"What is intoduce?" She asked confused.

"Introduce, baby. When you meet a new person you tell them your name, right? That is introducing yourself."

"Okay," She said, snuggling into Logan's arms. I felt someone glaring at us and looked up to meet Katie's piercing gaze. She looked really angry at Logan, who was still holding Keira and oblivious to Katie's look. My sister really wasn't happy about Logan being here, but for some reason she looked even angrier now he was holding our daughter. She probably thought I should keep Keira and Kegan away from him, to prevent them from the pain they would certainly have when Logan left again.

"Hello!" My mom said happily when she walked into the kitchen. "Where are my little grandchildren?"

Keira grinned ans climbed off Logan to go to her grandma, Lizzy and Kegan following quickly. I felt Logan was frozen again and tickled his side, making him squirm into me. He smiled and kissed my cheek. "Thank you."

I just smiled at him and then I noticed it was silent in the kitchen again. I looked up and found mom staring at Logan furiously. He shifted uncomfortably and pressed himself tighter against me. But just like with Katie, he never looked away from his mother-in-law.

Unlike Katie, mom decided to ignore Logan. She came up to me to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but she just skipped Logan. I looked down at Logan and met his eyes shortly. It hurt him mom didn't even want to acknowledge him here, while he'd always been her favorite.

Mr. Bitters did come up to us, though. He shook my hand and asked how I was, before taking Logan's and telling him he was glad Logan was back. It got a tiny smile out of Logan, but wasn't nearly enough to make up for the anger from mom, Katie and Dak.

Dinner past like that. Logan and I sat on one side of the table, then the children in the middle and the other adults on the other side. I was glad. It could've ended much worse. Maybe they just had to get used to Logan being here again and would slowly get more comfortable with the idea he was back.

Logan ate his dinner. I was so glad when I saw that. I'd thought that maybe he would be so stressed and uncomfortable he wouldn't be able to eat. But he did, not a whole lot, but about as much as the sandwich from earlier today.

"I'm proud of you," I whispered in his ear when he put his fork down. He smiled at me, happy to hear a compliment.

"I even think I can eat desert," He said happily. "Do you know what they made? It's been a long time since I ate something sweet and sticky."

I laughed, not only because he said something funny, but also because of the happiness I felt at that moment. It felt so much like how everything used to be and that just felt so amazing. For a moment I forgot about the other people in the room and kissed Logan deeply.

When I pulled away he was staring at me. "Wow, what was that?" He asked.

"Happiness," I whispered, before kissing him again. I don't think anyone noticed, because no one said anything about it. "I love you."

"I love you too," He said, a tiny glint of satisfaction in his eyes.

At that moment desert was served by Carlos; a chocolate cheesecake. I smiled again when I saw Logan's eyes lit up at the sight of his favorite cake. He blushed when he saw I noticed.

Carlos sliced the cake and gave everyone a piece. James was busy getting drinks for all of us and we waited until both of them were sitting in their chairs again. Only then Katie got up and I remembered she had something to tell us. I groaned, because I was really looking forward to eating the cake. Logan was pouting next to me, so I knew he felt the same.

"Dak and I have something nice to tell you," Katie started with a smile. "But first I want Logan to leave. I don't feel like him being here when I tell you this."

Logan didn't say anything, he went back to looking down so I couldn't see his eyes either. He got up and started walking away, but I grabbed his wrist and didn't let him. "Don't you think I am the one that decides if he's here or not?" I asked my sister coldly.

"Not in this matter no," She snapped. "You're clearly too blinded by love to see he's just pretending, that he'll leave you again."

"No, he won't. Katie, this really is none of your business. Logan told me he's sorry; that's enough for me. I get you're just looking out for me, but Logan proved he really is staying with me from now on. It should be enough for you."

"I not just looking out for you, I'm looking out for all of us and he," She pointed to Logan, "He is not good for us. Not for you, not for your children, not for James and Carlos, not for mom and not for Dak and me."

"Just let me go home, Kendall," Logan whispered. "I don't want to ruin this."

"You're not going anywhere," I told him and pulled him back.

"Then I guess I'm not telling my good news. Thank you for ruining my night, Logan," Katie spat and sat back down. Dak put his arm around her shoulders and glared at us.

"It's a little childish, don't you think, Katie? The whole night what did he do to bother you? It's not us who are ruining this night, it's you for being a narcissistic bitch that only things about her own feelings."

Mom gasped when she heard me curse. "Kendall! Your children are here!"

"And they know very well never to use that word, they already know what I'll do if I hear them using bad language. I taught them that a long time ago. You know what, I don't even want to be here right now. I thought I had a smart sister, one that knew when she went too far."

"I went too far? You're the one that is calling me names!"

"Yeah, but only because I had no other word to describe you at the moment!" I got up. "We're leaving."

"No," Logan said determined. He put his hand on my chest and pushed me back in my chair before he turned to Katie. "Look, I get you're mad at me; you have every right to be, but I'm not leaving again. I don't have to go anywhere anymore. I quit med school."

It was silent in the kitchen and I realized Logan had only told me about this. Even James and Carlos didn't know yet. Until now.

"I don't want to be a doctor when it means you all hate me. It's not worth it." He stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulder. "I can't do anything more than saying I'm sorry and hope you forgive me, but I'm staying as long as Kendall wants me to be here, no matter how you feel about me."

It was still silent in the kitchen. I felt Logan's hands squeeze in my shoulders, but after a minute it stopped and he sighed. "I guess I'm going then," He said.

He grabbed his jacket off his chair and kissed my cheek. "Stay here," He whispered in my ear. "I'll be upstairs when you get home."

I nodded and watched him walk out of the kitchen. He already opened the door when mom sighed and turned in her seat. "Logan, wait."

Katie looked at mom like she was crazy, but didn't say anything. Logan came back into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, waiting for mom to continue.

"I kinda understand why Kendall believes you. You always wanted to be a doctor and giving up on that must've been hard. It means a lot to me that you gave it up for Kendall. I still have my doubts, but Kendall was right; if he trusts you enough to believe you're staying, that should be enough for us too. I might not fully trust you yet, but I do trust Kendall."

She then turned to Katie. "And Kendall was right about something else too," She said sternly to her daughter. "It is kinda childish you don't want to tell something that makes you happy. If we like it or not we're all family here. And Logan is a part of it, even if we're mad at him now."

I grinned widely, loving that mom admitted I was right here. Katie saw it and glared at me, making my grin widen. "Fine," She snapped. "He can stay."

Logan smiled and walked back to his chair next to mine. I put my arm around his waist again and kissed his temple. "Can I finally tell my good news now?" Katie asked.

"Sure, Katie. Go ahead," Mom said soothingly. I felt kinda guilty now. Katie was really excited about her 'good news' and had been waiting the whole night to tell us this. It doesn't really feel good when no one is interested enough to hear it.

My sister smiled and looked at Dak. He took her hand and held, encouraging her to go on. "I know I only just told you about our engagement, but Dak and I decided to do the wedding next month."

"Oh, Katie! That's so exciting!" Mom exclaimed. "We've to go find a dress for you and pick a cake and invite people-"

Katie interrupted her, "That's not all mom. Dak and I have a reason for it." She paused and her whole face lit up.

On that moment I knew what was coming and I wished I let Logan go home. Now I knew exactly how James and Carlos must have felt when we told them we were going to have Kegan. It was so unfair, that after all Logan and I went through we still didn't get the baby we wanted. And Katie did, without even wanting it.

"I'm pregnant."

Everyone started smiling and congratulating and mom even started crying that her little girl grew up so fast. While everyone got up to hug Katie and Dak I took a frozen and shocked Logan in my arms and held him tightly.

I felt him starting to tremble ever so lightly and pulled him even closer. "An hour, Logie. One hour of pretending to be happy for them and then we go home and cry all we want. Think you can do that?" I whispered in his ear.

He pulled away slightly to meet my eyes and nodded. I kissed his cheek and then let go of him. I didn't want mom or Katie noticing how painful this was for us. Carlos and James knew, but I didn't want to tell anyone else the real reason Logan and I grew apart. It hurt too much and I just had Logan back; I didn't want to think of this. I just wanted to be happy with him again.

I met Carlos' eyes shortly and he smiled at me sympathetically. I smiled back before getting up, Logan following me closely.

I went to Dak first; Katie was still busy with mom. I shook his hand, "Congrats, man," I said with a grin, keeping up my facade.

"Thanks, Kendall," He said, smiling brightly. It made me think of how I felt when Logan and I were getting Keira. It was fantastic knowing you were getting your own little life to take care of and love till dead.

I stepped aside so Logan could congratulate Dak too. Mom was squealing and talking with Katie about the baby excitedly. They weren't exactly done yet, so I turned back to Logan and Dak. They were shaking each others hands and Logan muttered a shy, "Congratulations." Dak didn't respond and just glared at Logan, who cringed and quickly pulled his hand back. It was red; Dak squeezed a lot harder then necessary.

He clearly didn't forgive Logan yet. In one way, I was glad. Dak took care of my little sister by showing Logan he was still mad and didn't like it at all my husband upset Katie. On the other side, Logan was mine. I didn't like it at all when someone hurt him.

I ignored it though, figuring it would be easier to just let it slide. I took Logan's hand and laced our fingers, running my thumb over the back of his hand. I tapped my mother on her shoulder. "Don't you think you should let us congratulate Katie too, mom?" I asked.

She pulled a face at me and stepped aside. I pulled my sister into a hug, "I'm happy for you, baby sister."

She chuckled and patted my back awkwardly. "You can let go now, Kendall."

I sighed and pretended to be annoyed. "Fine." I pulled away and stepped aside for Logan.

He was looking at the ground, "Thanks for letting me stay, Katie. And congratulations with your baby," He said softly.

"It was not exactly my idea to let you stay. And thank you," She said coldly.

Logan took that as a sign he could walk away. He came up to me and grabbed my hand again, together we went back to our chairs. We sat down and watched everyone be excited for a while. Keira, Kegan and Lizzy were happy too about having another friend to play with.

It took a while before everyone sat down again, but eventually they did. The children left to play a game and the adults were left at the table. It was awkward. No one wanted to start talking about me and Logan, but everyone was thinking about it.

I was glad when it was finally 8:30 and we had an excuse to leave; Keira had to go to school tomorrow and couldn't stay up too long. I had a brief talk with James and Carlos about where Kegan and Lizzy would be going tomorrow. They were both home, so Kegan could stay at their house. I was really glad about that. Now Logan and I could do some talking tomorrow without getting interrupted.

We said our goodbyes and took Keira and Kegan home. They had fun today, got a lot of attention from their grandma, aunt and uncles. Logan and I both took one kid and helped them getting ready for bed. Kegan was being fussy and didn't want to go to bed, Keira heard this and started to be difficult too even though it was far past their bedtime already.

Eventually Logan managed to calm them down by reading a book, both of them fell asleep halfway the story. We put them in bed and went into our bedroom.

Logan sat on the bed and stared at me. I stared back, knowing exactly what he wanted to say but neither of us wanted to talk about it.

So I said nothing as I walked up to him. I said nothing while I gently pushed against his shoulder until he was lying down and climbed on top of him. "How about we forget everything and just enjoy this night?" I suggested.

Logan nodded. He wrapped his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. "Missed you so much," He whispered, before he pulled me in for a kiss.

I moaned and slipped my hands under his shirt. "I missed you more."

"Impossible," He muttered before tightening his hold on me and kissing me again, but this time not letting me go so I could talk. I didn't mind though. Kissing Logan was far from bad.

I tickled the corners of his mouth with my tongue, asking for access. Logan opened up for me and turned the kiss in another sweet one like we had that morning, before Kegan and Keira came in. I whimpered, loving how he knew it was exactly what I wanted.

I rolled over holding Logan so he would stay pressed against me. He smiled at me, before kissing me softly. "Sit up, baby," He whispered, tugging at the hem of my shirt to show me what he wanted to do. I did what he asked and let him pull off my shirt. He quickly pulled off his own shirt too and then leaned down again to kiss me.

He brought his hands into my hair and gently tugged on it. I moaned and put my hands on his back, slowly sliding them down till they reached the back of his jeans. He whined and bit softly in my bottom lip, before he kissed his way from my jaw to my ear.

"Logie..." I whispered when I felt him sucking on my earlobe. I decided I wasn't ready yet to give him full control and slipped my hands in his jeans and boxers. He shuddered in pleasure, but continued to suck softly on my ear and the places around it.

He began to move on top of me, placing sloppy kisses down from my ear over my neck to my collar bones. His hands went down from my hair to my sides while he slowly grinded his crotch into mine. He nibbled on my skin as he continued to grind into me, his fingers running over my stomach and tracing my abs.

When he felt I was aroused enough he began to kiss lower, but I cupped his face and pulled him back. He was pouting and I kissed him briefly. "None of that today," I told him, gently running brushing my thumbs over his cheek bones. "Just love making."

He nodded and smiled before leaning in and kissing me again. I rolled us over again, wanting Logan beneath me during the deed. He put his arms and legs back around my neck and waist while we kissed slowly, passionately.

I pulled away eventually; I needed more room to undo my jeans and then pull Logan's off. I sat up and pushed my pants off, but I never took my eyes off Logan. He was still gorgeous, even with his skeleton body. His milky white skin shining in the light that came from the moon through our windows.

Logan stared back, taking in every square inch of my body like he would never see me again. I had my pants off and threw them off the bed, before carefully tugging his off his legs, making sure to take his boxers off too.

I ran my hands over his smooth legs; I could almost close my hands around his calves. I slowly moved them up his thighs while I leaned in to kiss him again, Logan moving with me eagerly. I paused me hands halfway his thighs. "Tease," Whispered Logan. I just smiled and gave him another kiss.

I looked in his eyes for a minute, before I leaned over him and reached inside the drawer of my night stand. I quickly found the two things I'd been looking for. One of those things hadn't been used in over two year. We didn't need those when we wanted to have a baby, but now... It would safe us a lot of cleaning.

I showed the package of condoms to Logan, who stared at it like he'd never seen it before. Then he turned his eyes to me. The painful look unable to miss. He nodded slowly and the hurt in his eyes turned into defeat. He gave up.

I put them aside for a moment and reached for the second item; lube. I coated four of my fingers in it, before positioning my middle finger against his entrance. I leaned forward to kiss Logan as I carefully inserted my first finger and started moving it in and out of him. He gasped and closed his eyes, not used to this anymore.

I moved my finger in and out slowly, but Logan's face showed no discomfort. I let a second finger join the first and he whimpered softly when I came closer to his spot. I crooked my fingers and pressed against it, smiling when Logan's mouth fell open.

After that I quickly put in the third and fourth fingers to make sure I really did prepare him well. I wanted no pain tonight. I only wanted love and happiness and passion and lust. I pulled my fingers out and Logan opened his eyes again, disappointed my fingers were gone.

I reached out for the condoms, but Logan was quicker. First I thought he was going to tell me he didn't want to use them, but then I saw him opening the box and pulling one out himself. He sat up and took the wrapper off. He put the condom around me carefully. He met my eyes at last, the only thing I could see in them was love.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him against me, hugging him tightly. "It's for the best," I whispered in his ear.

"I know," He whispered back and looked up at me. "I love you, Kendall. So much."

"I love you a lot too, Logie. I'm glad we're starting over."

"We just have to find another thing to focus on."

"How about us? We need attention. And Keira and Kegan, they had to miss you too. We've enough to fix before we can start focusing on something else." I tightened my hold on him and slowly lowered him back on the bed.

"That's true." Logan wrapped his legs around my waist, signing he was ready for more. I pressed my lips on his to muffle sounds either of us might make and thrust up into him with one movement.

I held still for a moment, letting Logan get used to the feeling of being filled. It felt so amazing to be inside him again, without being forced and just to make each other feel good. Logan was warm and tight around me, just like I remembered it and hoped it would be.

I felt him nod and slowly pulled out before thrusting in again. Logan moaned when I hit his prostate right away, clawing with his nails in my back.

We made love slowly, both of us wanted this to last as long as possible. It didn't take long before Logan started whispering again, mostly repeating the promises he made to me about staying here and telling me how sorry he was. But also new things, sweet things, like complementing me on how I looked, that he thought I was the most wonderful and amazing husband in the world and never wanted to give up on me.

And it all made me feel so good. I rested my head on his shoulder and listened to what he said while I moved in and out of him, quicker and quicker as I came closer to the edge. Occasionally Logan's whispering was interrupted by me moaning or him whimpering my name.

We came at the same time while kissing each other desperately. We would never get enough to other, we always wanted more. We were just done, but I already wanted to make love to him again.

I slowly got off of Logan, really tired but we couldn't fall asleep yet. I pulled out of Logan, holding the condom at the base and carefully took it off, tying a knot in it. I got out of bed and went to our bathroom where I threw the used condom away and got a washcloth to clean Logan's belly.

I returned, finding Logan in the same position I left him in, his eyes clothes and slowly breathing in and out. I sat on the bed and gently rubbed with the washcloth over his abdomen and between his legs. I threw it in the hamper when I was done and crawled in bed next to Logan.

He opened his eyes and snuggled into my arms. "I love you," He whispered, kissing the place where my heart was. "You was amazing."

"You weren't bad yourself either. I missed that, Logie," I said softly and ran my fingers over his spine. "I love you too."

"You'll never have to miss it again, Kendall. I'll be right here and you can have me whenever you want. I promise."

"Thank you," I whispered and pressed a kiss on his forehead.

He nodded, tenderly caressing my sides. "Let's sleep now. I'm going to bring Keira to school tomorrow, because I promised her, but I'm going to stay with you the whole day after that. Maybe I can even get James or Carlos to pick her up and keep her there."

"That would be great," I said smiling.

"I love you, Kendall."

"I love you too, baby." _So fucking much..._

* * *

><p><strong>Meh. It's not nearly as good as the previous chapters. Oh well. What do you think?<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Listen to Pardon me by He is we. I cried while writing this. Multiple times.**

* * *

><p>I woke up the following morning, because I heard the shower running. At first I panicked. What was Logan doing in the shower this early? Was he leaving again? But then I remembered he was going to bring Keira to school today and calmed down.<p>

I laid in bed and thought about the amazing day I had yesterday. It hadn't even been a special or important day, but still it was memorable. It was the first day in six months I got to spent time with Logan all day. It was the first day in a year that he didn't say one thing about the hospital while we talked. It was the first day in two and a half years Logan made love two me.

It made me so happy just thinking of yesterday and all that happened. Logan was here. He wanted to be here. He gave his dream of being a doctor up to be here, to make me happy. I got tears in my eyes thinking of it. He was back.

The bathroom door opened and I heard Logan coming out. He searched in our closet and then went back to the bathroom to get dressed. He brushed his teeth and then came out of the bathroom again.

The mattress sank a little when Logan sat down on my side of the bed. A moment later I felt his soft hand stroking the hair off my forehead. "I know you're awake," He whispered. He put his other hand on my cheek and caressed my skin with his thumb.

I leaned into the touch, enjoying it immensely. He never did this when he had to leave for the hospital. I felt like crying when I just thought of that, how lonely and unloved I felt just two days ago. Apparently Logan noticed too. "I'm coming back real quick, okay?" He said softly.

I nodded, but I really, really didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me. What if he went away now, dropped Keira off at school and decided never to come back? He probably wouldn't do that, because then all the promises he made the past 40 hours would mean nothing, but there was always a possibility, right?

"I'll be back, baby," He muttered. "I'll be back and come back to bed to cuddle with you as long as you want, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered and reached out to hug him.

Logan leaned forward, resting his body on mine and placing his head on my shoulder. "I've to do something else too really quick, so don't freak out when it takes an hour, okay?"

"Where are you going?" I asked uncertainly.

"You'll see, Kendall," He said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

I was still hesitant. "One hour?"

"One hour. I promise to let you know if it takes longer, okay? And you can call me anytime you want," He assured me.

I nodded and gripped him tighter. I really, really wished I could just lock him into the room and keep him here forever, but life didn't work that way. Other people wanted some attention from him too and Keira and Kegan were just as important to me; I couldn't keep him for myself. "Kiss me, Logie," I whispered.

I didn't have to ask twice and a second later his lips were on mine, moving slowly. Some of my worries flew away while he kissed me, feeling he was going to miss me a lot too. I felt a little better now. I still knew that there was no way I would fall asleep again until he was back. I smiled a little when I knew what that meant; I was back to not being able to fall asleep without him. Now he had to come back.

Logan pulled away after giving me a last peck. "Try to sleep a little, okay? Time goes faster when you sleep."

I nodded and smiled at him. "I love you."

He grinned widely. It was adorable how excited he got every time I said it, like he still believed I didn't love him. Idiot. "I love you too," He said and got up. He walked to the door, but turned around before leaving and blew me a kiss, "Bye, Kendall."

I smiled until he closed the door and then it fell off my face. I listened intently how Logan woke Keira up and helped her getting ready for school. He did the exact same thing I did in the mornings, but he couldn't have known I did it the same way because he was never here to witness it. It made me happy knowing that even after all that time apart he was still tuned to me in some way.

He got Kegan out of bed and helped him dress and brush his teeth before taking them both downstairs. It was now harder to hear them and the only sounds I could make out were the opening and closing of the cabinets and the scraping of the chairs over the floor, but it was enough for me to make out what they were doing.

Twenty minutes later I heard them going into the hall and Logan handing the children their jackets. The door opened and closed and then they were gone. I quickly got out of bed and ran to Kegan's room. From there I had a perfect view on the street and James' and Carlos' house.

I sat next to the window and watched them walking to the house of our friends. Logan was carrying Kegan and I could see our son didn't really like it Logan was bringing him over there. He probably wanted to stay here and be around Logan. I felt guilty for it, but I was glad Logan brought him there. I wanted my husband for myself today. I didn't get to yesterday or a long time before that; it was my turn now.

Logan put Kegan down when James opened the door and talked to him for a while. I saw Kegan nodding and Logan kissing his forehead. Then James took Kegan inside. Keira grabbed Logan's hand when they walked back to the car and talked to him. Logan listened and laughed sometimes. Keira looked happy too. I was glad about that. I hated it to see her hurting.

I watched as Logan helped Keira into the car, not knowing she could put her seat belt on herself already. She showed him she could do it and he smiled. I imagined him telling her she was such a big girl already. Keira liked hearing that. She liked it when people called her smart and gave her responsibility, it made her smile. She was so Logan.

Logan suddenly looked up, straight at me. He grinned widely and I blushed as he caught me. I didn't have a lot of time to feel embarrassed because of the flutter I felt in my heart when Logan formed a heart from his hands and blew me another kiss. I blushed more and leaned my head against the window, feeling like a teenage school girl.

I still sat there when I saw Logan drive away, wishing he would turn around and come back to me. I was scared something would happen to him now, when I didn't even get to enjoy him yet. Or that he would change his mind and leave me, like I'd thought he would do.

I shook my head and forced myself to think of what he promised me. He wanted to make it up to me. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted me to forgive him and want him back. He wanted to be here with me. He definitely wasn't going to leave me now.

I got up from the floor and went back to my bedroom, back into my bed. It had been a while since I had an empty house. When Logan was gone I rather had a lot of people around me, then it was easier to convince myself I wasn't alone. That there were people that loved me and cared about me like I wanted Logan to do.

He did now. I'd tried to count how much he said it the past few days, as if it would prove anything if he said it more than fifty times. I already believed it after the first time he said it. I saw it in his eyes, heard it in his voice. He really loved me and wanted to make me happy. That was all that mattered right now.

I curled up in bed and grabbed the shirt Logan had worn to bed. I pressed it in my face, breathing in deeply. Finally Logan had been here and I had the possibility to smell him. Before he was gone so much he smell didn't even linger on his side of the bed anymore. Now it was in his shirt again, which was great.

I closed my eyes, but left the shirt on my face. Last night after we made love, Logan fell asleep quickly. I stayed awake, holding him tightly to my chest and watching his beautiful face. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, so innocent and sweet. It seemed unreal that he caused me so much pain over the past few months. Who wouldn't fall for that face?

Then I'd cried. I made sure not to make any noise or shake with my body; I didn't want him to wake up. I wanted to watch him, because at that moment he was exactly how I wanted to have him. How he used to be. I pulled him closer, burying my face in his hair. My little Logie. My sweet and innocent little Logie. So precious.

During the night I woke up a few times, but Logan was there every time. Pressed against me in one way or another. Sometimes he woke up too and then we talked for a while, which always ended in him whispering sweet things in my ear until I fell asleep again. I was so glad to have him here again.

I glanced at the alarm and saw only twenty minutes past since he left. It wasn't long enough. I couldn't wait forty more minutes for him to come home. It was too long. I grabbed my phone from the night stand and started texting him. Maybe I could convince him not to do the other thing and just come back to me.

**Logie, come back? Please? :(****  
><strong>  
>It didn't even take one minute for him to text me back. I felt my heart flutter again with that little bit of happiness. Logan had reacted really quick, that had to mean something right?<p>

**You'll really like what I'm going to do now. But I'll come back if you want me to. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

I grinned and almost squealed in delight when I saw all the x's. I hoped he would give me that much kisses when he got back. But now I thought about it again, I was really curious for what he was doing right now. I kinda wanted him to go through with it so I could see what it was, even if that meant he was staying away longer.

**Fine :( Be really quick?****  
><strong>  
><strong>I'll be faster than light, promise. I love you!<strong>**  
><strong>  
>I smiled again when I saw the exclamation mark. I imagined Logan screaming from the top of the roof that he loves me and felt a lot better. I still wanted him to be home though.<p>

**I love you too, sweetie :)****  
><strong>  
>I put my phone aside and closed my eyes again. The smell from Logan's shirt wasn't as strong anymore, but it was still there. It was soothing me and helping me to calm down along with his texts. I pulled the blankets up a little higher and thought of what I wanted to do when Logan came back.<p>

We had to talk, obviously. We had to talk about the whole pregnancy thing and how we were going to deal with Katie being pregnant. We had to talk about my suspicion that Keira had problems at school. We had to talk about Logan's weight problems and how we were going to cure it. We had to discuss us, how we would go on from now on and what we could do to prevent this from happening again.

We had to discuss working at the hospital and finishing his study. I had decided he had to finish it. The first reason was that we put a lot of money into that and while money wasn't really a problem, it would be a waste not to finish the study.

The second reason was that it would be really useful to have a doctor as my husband. Not only because then I could brag about him, but also because if something would happen to Keira or Kegan or me or anyone else, he would be there to help us.

The third reason was the most important. It was Logan's dream to be a doctor. He'd spend most of his life preparing himself for this and not finishing this now would be even more of a waste than the money. He'd spent hours every day reading medical books and magazines. If he didn't finish the study, it would all be for nothing and I just couldn't have that. Logan can not have spent most of his life gaining all that medical knowledge and then not be able to do something with it.

And I wanted happiness. Logan would thank me forever if I let him do this and that was exactly what I needed. Logan would owe me big, big, big time and do everything to thank me for this. All I wanted was him staying with me forever. So he would give me just that and be home more than at the hospital. It was the perfect plan.

Unless Logan fell back in his old habits.

That would be painful.

There were lots of other stuff we had to talk about, but this was enough for now. I didn't want this day to have a lot of crying. Maybe a little, but not all day long. I wanted laughing and brightness and rainbows. Happiness.

I looked at the alarm again and groaned when I saw I still had to wait twenty five minute. I rolled over, lying on my stomach with my face in his shirt.

* * *

><p>The next thing I knew was that I heard the front door closing and someone walking from the hallway to the kitchen. I must've fallen asleep, because it was half an hour later now. Logan was five minutes late. I checked my phone and indeed saw a text from Logan that said, 'Five more minutes :(. Almost home. Xxxx'<p>

I smiled, leaning back on my pillow. I already felt better now he was home. I still preferred having him next to me in bed, but this was okay too. At least he came back. A minute later I heard him coming up the stairs. I closed my eyes again, hoping to fall back asleep when Logan crawled in next to me.

The door opened and I heard his soft footsteps on the carpet. I heard clothes falling on the floor, Logan was undressing. An moment later the blankets were lifted and the mattress sank. The sheets rustled and then a small, cold body pressed against my side and put his head on my chest, he grabbed my arm and put that around his shoulders. "Kendall," He sighed satisfied.

Neither of us said anything. We just laid there, completely happy with the way things were at that moment. Logan was drawing a pattern on the skin of my stomach and chest with his fingers while I used my thumb to caress his shoulder. It wasn't long before Logan's movements slowed down until his hand was lying flat on my chest; he fell asleep.

I opened my eyes, remembering how Logan looked when he was asleep and I wanted to see more of that. His skin was still pale, but it looked better than yesterday. His hair was thinner than I remembered, but I guess that happened when you quit eating. He was still gorgeous.

I carefully turned on my side and wrapped my other arm around Logan too. He felt so good in my arms and I couldn't believe I lasted so long without this. Without my Logie.

I fell asleep quickly.

"Kendall," Logan whispered. "Kendall, wake up."

I groaned and opened my eyes, not knowing why he would wake me up now. I didn't exactly like it. "What?" I muttered, still sleeping.

"You were sweating and moaning," He said softly. "Did you have a nightmare?"

I frowned and thought about it for a moment, but I didn't remember a thing. I did feel wet and cold though, sweat that cooled off on my body. It didn't really matter if I had a nightmare or not if I couldn't remember what I dreamed about. "I can't remember," I said and shrugged. "Thanks for waking me."

He smiled a little and pressed his face in my chest. "You slept for five hours," He said. "I got us breakfast when I dropped Keira off, but it's lunch time now."

I chuckled. "I don't mind eating breakfast for lunch. What did you get?"

"Bagels with chicken and egg and orange juice."

"Nice," I said and kissed his forehead. "Was that what you went to do?"

"No. It wasn't." That smile again.

"Are you going to tell me...?"

"Nope. Not yet anyway."

I pouted and pulled him tighter against me. We both kept quiet and held onto each other almost desperately. Neither of us wanted to start talking, because we knew it wouldn't be pleasant. "Breakfast first?" He whispered.

I nodded and sat up, pulling Logan with me. I stretched my legs on either side of him and pulled him back until he was leaning against my chest, before reaching out and grabbing the brown paper bag from my night stand. I gave it to Logan and wrapped my arms around his waist. "You eat first," I told him and kissed his cheek.

He nodded and opened the bag taking out one of the bagels. I held him close and leaned my head on his shoulder while he ate. It was silent, not knowing what to say. Logan stopped eating when he finished half of the bagel. "Kendall, I can't anymore," He whispered.

I nodded, "It's okay, Logie."

He put the bagel aside before turning around and kissing me. "Mm. Chicken kiss," I said when he pulled away.

Logan blushed, "Sorry."

"I liked it, don't worry. And I'm going to eat chicken now anyway."

"That's true." Logan shifted in my lap and put his legs around my waist. He rested his head on my shoulder. He looked like a baby monkey that clung to its mother. I took the half of Logan's bagel he didn't eat and ate it myself.

"It's funny listening to what your stomach does while you eat," He giggled, pressing his ear lower against my chest.

I chuckled. "Good to know, Logie."

I ate part of my own bagel -they were really big, I didn't eat much more than Logan did- and then threw it bag in the brown bag that served as a trash can, for now. Logan was still holding onto me tightly and had his eyes closed. As much as I wanted to, we couldn't avoid this very long.

I sighed and grabbed his chin, lifting it up to make him look at me. "We've to talk."

"Yeah." He sighed too and let go of me. He scooted back and sat cross legged in front of me. "Keira first."

"You know about Keira?" I asked surprised.

"Even I can tell she doesn't like it to go to school, Kendall, even though I've barely talked to her the past few months. She's obviously scared."

"I noticed that too, but she never says anything about it. It doesn't matter how hard I try, she just doesn't talk about it."

"I had a little conversation with her teacher, but according to her everything is fine. Keira is really shy, but she learns fast and does everything other children do too."

"That may be, but does she do that stuff with other children or on her own? Because I think that's the problem, that she doesn't have any friends."

Logan pulled a face. "Do you think that she just doesn't have friends? Or that other people bully her?"

"I don't know," I said softly. "It might be just the first, maybe both. I think we should talk to her teacher again and tell her what we think, maybe that when her teacher pays more attention she notices some new things."

Logan nodded and looked down at his hands. "Do you think it's my fault? That she cuts herself off because I wasn't here enough?"

Apparently I hesitated too long, because Logan shook his head and smiled at me sadly. "No sparing my feelings, okay? I take full responsibility for everything I did to you and our children. The point of this talk is that we work out all bad things, right? You can just say what you think."

I nodded, realizing that if I wanted everyone happy again we couldn't live on with bitter thoughts. "I think it's partly your fault," I said softly. "Keira was constantly in her room when you were gone and barely talked to me -or anyone. I think she did it to prevent herself for getting hurt."

"If what you say it's true, she doesn't only do that at home. She just doesn't want to get to know people, because if she starts to like them and they leave her like I did, she'll get hurt more." I couldn't read Logan's expression and I hated it. His face was completely blank while he should obviously be hurting now, for Keira. Maybe he was just holding it all back, wanting to get this over with before he broke down.

"Pretty much."

"That also means it'll go away when I spend time with her, right? If she sees I'm here and I'm not going away then she'll be fine?"

"In theory. We'll just see how it goes from now on. Maybe you're right and she'll be alright."

He nodded and looked up at me, showing me the pain he felt. I reached out and took his hands, holding them in mine and lacing our fingers. He smiled at me a little, before looking down again. "Kegan has sleeping problems?" He asked softly.

"He used to sleep like a baby; long and very, very deep. It was only when he noticed you were gone for longer than a few nights he had problems. I let him sleep with me and the problem was pretty much solved with that. He was really clingy though, didn't leave me alone for one minute. He did the opposite thing from what Keira did; he was scared I would leave too and he would be all alone. He made sure to be around me all the time so I had no time to escape."

Logan chuckled. "He's smart."

"He is. Did you see how much he likes soccer? I signed him in for the community soccer club, he can start in a few weeks, when he goes to school."

"I don't know anything about soccer," Logan said sadly.

"Neither did I! I had to watch, like, five games before I understood they weren't allowed to touch the ball with their hands."

He laughed. "I knew that. You thinks he'll be okay once he sees I'm not going anywhere?"

"Definitely."

He smiled at me a little, but was still hurting for Keira. His smile faltered quickly when he realized this wasn't even nearly the hardest stuff. We'd talked about Keira, our first child, our daughter. We talked about Kegan, our second baby. Number three would be logical right now.

"That was it, right?" Logan asked softly.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"We have two wonderful kids. We're not going to try anymore, are we?"

"I think it's better if we give up," I whispered, remembering Logan's earlier words about not sparing his feelings. And as much as it hurt now, giving up on a third child was the best thing to do. Wanting something we would never get wasn't a good idea.

"It's not worth it," He whispered back. "You were so right the other night when you said I should've grown closer to you instead of away from away. I should've enjoyed what I had while I could and not wish for something I couldn't have. You and Kegan and Keira are way more important than something that doesn't even exist yet."

I pulled him closer, using his hands I was still holding. Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and I put mine around his torso to keep him against me. "Thank you," I whispered in his ear. "It means a lot to me you gave up on this. I know how much you wanted it. Together with giving up on being a doctor you really showed me how bad you want to make it up to me."

Logan gripped onto me tighter and buried his face in the crook of my neck. "You're so worth it," He muttered, "I would do it a thousand times for you, Kendall."

I slowly leaned back until we were lying and continued to hold him close. Neither of us cried. Giving the baby up really was worth it if it meant we could be together forever. Logan was too important to me. I loved him too much.

"Why did you want another baby?" He asked softly.

"Logan..." I warned.

"I know. I know. I just... need to know."

I sighed, knowing that there was no way I wasn't going to give Logan whatever he wanted. "I've always wanted a big family, since I never had one. I only had mom and Katie and I love them both, but it was just... too quiet, I guess. So I figured I would just get a lot of children myself to fill those places," I paused a moment, "When I fell in love with you I gave up on that, because I thought two guys could never have children and I would do that for you. I would give the dream of a big family up to be with you. Then we found out you were able to get pregnant and the whole idea started creeping back into my head. I was hesitant when I saw how dangerously close I got to losing you when you gave birth of Keira, but then everything went relatively fine with Kegan and I figured it would be worth it to try again. Just not when there is a way I could lose you."

Logan nodded slowly and stared in my eyes. "I just want green eyes," He whispered. "You got what you wanted, a girl that looked like me, and Kegan is a perfect mix of all of us, James and Carlos too, but now I wanted a little you. Another blonde with green eyes and all your other perfectness," He thought for a second, "maybe minus the eyebrows."

I chuckled and ran my fingers through his hair. "I guess you just have to do it with me then."

"You're all I need," He whispered. "I could live without everything, just not you."

I tightened my hold on him, wanting to have him pressed against me forever. Maybe I would take Logan up on his offer and make us share a heart. If that made us stay together forever I wouldn't mind at all we couldn't do anything anymore. I had my Logie.

"I've decided that you're staying here," I told him softly, "No more leaving me."

"I promise," He whispered.

"If you go out I want to know where you go and what time you come back, unless you've a really good reason not to tell me either of those things. No more leaving me without a proper explanation and always tell me where you go in person, not by text. Even if that means you've to come home from the cinema to tell me you're going to the mall after the movie."

He nodded. "I can live with that. I'll follow those rules." He gently played with the hairs in the nape of my neck and kissed my shoulder on the place where his face was now.

"I just want to know you'll come back," I whispered, "I'm terrified you'll just walk away from me again."

Logan leaned up on his elbows and smiled at me sadly. "I've a story."

"Tell me," I commanded.

"I called the hospital to tell them I quit my job and the study five days after I left here. They were furious and desperately tried to get me to stay with them, but I just hung up on them."

I laughed softly and started running my fingers over the small of his back.

"I called them five days after you kicked me out, Kendall. It's now twelve days later and my car is still not here." I was silent when I understood; Logan could've been here five days ago. "I was scared. I didn't dare to pick ip the phone when you called, because I feared you would tell me to stay away forever."

"I only called because I wanted to know how you were doing, if you were still alive," I whispered. Logan smiled sadly at me before leaning in and kissing me softly. He pulled away before I could bring us any further.

He went on with his story, "The next day I went to do something, something I hoped would show you I came back to stay. It took a few days for it to get ready, which is why I was here so late. I wanted to wait for it to get ready, but on the morning of the day I came back I couldn't take it any longer. I was ready to get yelled at and do everything I could to please you and make you happy."

"And today it was ready?" I asked hopeful. I wasn't even so curious about what it was he got me. No, if it was ready today, it meant Logan didn't have to leave again.

Logan nodded and smiled a little. He sat up on my thighs before reaching out and snatching a little black box from the ground. I recognized it immediately. I recently gave one of those to Logan. I got them for Logan a lot over the year.

I stared up at Logan stunned. He chuckled nervously, "It's nothing special like the necklace you got me," He said and touched the little heart that was resting on his chest. "It's simple, but I hope you'll believe me now when I say 'I promise'."

He nodded with his head towards the box. I slowly reached out and closed my hand around it, all the while staring at Logan's face. He stared back at me, his hands gently running up and down my sides. "Open it, baby," He whispered, bringing one of his hands up to stroke the hair our of my face.

I turned my gaze to the black box. I was still to surprised to understand what I was feeling. The only thing I did know was that I was nervous, because my hands were shaking. But then Logan put his hands over mine, running his thumbs over my knuckles reassuringly and he kept my fingers free so I could still open the box.

With shaking hands I took hold of the top and opened the box. Inside was my bracelet. I frowned and looked at my arm; I hadn't even noticed it was gone yet. But it was different now. Next to the little silver plate with our initials on it was a tiny silver heart. There were words on it, engraved in neat, curly letters. 'I promise.'

I stared back at Logan, who was looking at me lovingly. I wasn't able to say one word as tears slowly made their way over my cheeks. I just stared at Logan. He really, really meant it when he promised something. The past few days he did nothing but show me he would do whatever it took to stay with me. He would even share me with another person when he thought I was cheating on him!

Logan said nothing while he took the box from me and took my bracelet out of it. He gently grabbed my left arm and put the bracelet back around my wrist. He grabbed the jewelry box and started to climb of me. He stopped when I let out a whimper, "Logie... D-don't g-go..."

He immediately came back and straddled me again. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my neck before carefully rolling us over until he was on his back with me crying in the crook of his neck. For a while I could only sob and hold onto him tightly. I clearly didn't cry enough the first night he was back.

Logan just held onto me and said nothing. His hands were softly touching and caressing wherever they could, soft and sweet. His lips were on my cheek, kissing softly.

"It h-hurt s-s-so m-much..." I sobbed and pressed tighter against him, wanting to disappear into his body so I could be with him forever.

"I k-know, baby," He whispered, "But I'm going t-to make sure you'll n-never hurt like that again, okay? I'll be right here, just tell me when you're hurting and I'll make sure to change it whatever it is."

I was overwhelmed by a new wave of sobs and tears and wasn't able to say anything for a few minutes. Logan just hugged me tightly, not relaxing his muscles for one second. He never even changed position while the arm I was lying on must be numb by now.

"D-don't l-leave m-me?" I begged, "D-don't ever l-l-leave m-me?"

"Never, Kendall. I'll never let you do anything on your own anymore." He didn't have to promise it to me anymore, because I knew, and so did he, that after he gave me that heart, everything he said was a promise to me.

I continued crying, but slowly it turned from desperate sobs into the simply falling of tears on Logan's shoulder. I closed my eyes, feeling exhausted. Logan noticed, he grabbed the blankets and wrapped them tightly around me. I snuggled a little deeper into his body and moved my head from his shoulder to his chest.

"I love you, baby," He whispered and put his hand on my cheek, wiping the tears away with his thumb. "Go to sleep, I'll stay right here."

I nodded, already half asleep. Logan softly started singing 'You're beautiful.' His voice and his heartbeat were the perfect lullaby and I fell asleep peacefully. Feeling safe and warm and loved in Logan's arms.

* * *

><p>I woke up again, the fourth time that day, but for the first time I felt completely rested. It was something I hadn't felt in months, because I was always too worried about Logan to sleep a full night without waking up at least once. I felt so much better now.<p>

I hummed in satisfaction and snuggled deeper into Logan's sleeping body, loving how his arms tightened around me when I moved. I could get used to this. To being taken care of instead of being the care taker. And I decided I was allowed to feel vulnerable and insecure for once, I want Logan to show me I didn't have to be scared anymore.

I had to wait twenty minutes before Logan woke up. I didn't mind at all, I loved it to just lay there with Logan's arms around me. It wasn't something I got to do often. I felt a lot better already. Apparently crying really helped to get things out of your system as if all the bad emotions just flew away with your tears. It was especially pleasant when you had the love of your life right there to comfort you.

He groaned softly and took one arm away from me to wipe the sleep from his eyes. "Hey," He said when he noticed I was awake too. "Feeling a little better?"

"Yes. Thank you," I answered, turning my head to see his face.

"Always, Kendall." He ran his hand over my cheek. I closed my eyes again and leaned into the touch. Logan seemed to understand I enjoyed this a lot and rubbed with his thumb over my skin.

"Hey, Logie?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you suddenly call me 'baby'?" I asked curiously.

"Do you not like it? Because then I'll stop-"

"No, I like it. I'm just curious, because you never used nicknames for me before."

"I just felt like you needed it. That it would show you I do really care about you."

"You don't have to call me names to make me believe that, sweetie. But don't stop, please."

He smiled. "I won't," He promised.

"Can we kiss for a while? Just kiss?" I asked timidly.

His smiled widened and he nodded. He put his other hand on my face too, turning it up to his lips. He kissed me gently, setting a pace he knew I liked. I rolled onto my side, pulling him with me. Now I could put my arms around him too, which I liked.

I had no idea how long we laid there, just kissing and touching each other. I let Logan control it, just wanting to feel and not think. He was being soft and sweet and gentle, just how I remembered kissing with my Logie.

I pulled away at last, feeling we still had to do something, but I couldn't remember exactly what it was. I looked Logan in his eyes, loosing myself in their beautiful chocolate brown color. He stared back and rubbed his hands over my chest.

"I saw what you did to the garden," He told me. "It's so beautiful, Kendall. I can't believe you really did that."

"I had to find a new hobby to distract myself from... You know..." Logan pulled a face, but didn't interrupt me. "I saw how boring our garden really was and started to work on it myself instead of hiring a gardener. It was hard and the first few projects all ended in a fail, but then it the flowers started growing and I could start to make figures and all. I like doing it."

"I could see that, you clearly worked a lot on it. Hey, you should show me!" He said enthusiastically and leaned up on his elbow.

"Really?" I asked uncertainly. I had no idea how Logan would react on my new hobby, but I didn't expect him to be this enthusiastic.

"Yes! Come on, I wanna learn about plants and flowers!" He tugged on my arm, trying to get me moving.

I smiled and climbed out of bed too, allowing him to pull me to our closet. He pulled out some shorts and t-shirts, my t-shirts. We dressed quickly and then Logan grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the room. I laughed at him about his eagerness, but inside I was fucking ecstatic.

We reached our backyard and Logan looked around in awe. I couldn't even start to describe how happy I felt right on that moment. Logan pulled at my hand again, leading me to the roses and began to ask question about them.

I hugged him from behind and rested my head on his shoulder before I started telling him everything I knew and how you had to take care of them. Logan listened silently and asked me questions about them, then pulled me to another kind of flower and started all over again. He kept this up until he knew everything about every plant in my garden.

And I was completely flabbergasted from Logan's enthusiasm. He laughed when he saw my face and kissed my cheek. Then he pulled me to the middle of the garden and dropped into the grass. I sat next to him, surprised again when he crawled into my lap and pushed against my shoulders until I was lying in the grass, snuggling his face in the crook of my neck.

I wrapped my arms around him, holding him on top of me. I used to enjoy lying in the grass and feel the sun on my skin when I was done gardening for that day, but this was so much better. Having my Logie sprawled out on my chest, his breathe tickling my neck.

And then I knew I really was going to do this. I was going to let Logan finish his study. I simply loved him too much. I couldn't not let him live his dream. As long as he promised to follow my rules so I could live my dream; being with Logan.

"Logie, I want you to finish med school," I said, running a few fingers over his spine.

He tensed up and sat up until he was straddling me. "Take it back," He whispered. "Don't do this, Kendall, I mean it. Take it back."

"No. Why would I? I mean, I have a few rules, but other than that I don't see why-"

"Shut up. Don't do this. Please, take it back." His hands on my chest turned into fists, gripping my shirt tightly.

"Logie-"

"Why are you so fucking selfless! I can't handle it, Kendall! I won't be able to stop myself if you give me the choice!"

"I'm not giving you a choice, I'm telling you to do this."

"Kendall! Fuck!" He shouted, tears escaping his eyes. "Just don't do this! Why would you fucking do this when I was ready to give up on being a doctor completely! Why can't you just take what I give you for once! Why do you always have to do something back!"

"Because I love you!"

"Don't! It's gonna get you killed one day!"

I flipped us over and pinned his wrists next to his head. "I give you the chance. Take it."

"No!" He yelled. "Kendall, I can't say no! I want to be here for you, but if you want me to do this I can't stop myself!"

"You don't have to, I'm giving you this."

"Kendall!" He screamed in frustration. "Don't be a lovesick fool for once! Why can't you be imperfect and want me for yourself just this once!"

He started sobbing and I couldn't take it. I let go of his wrists and got off of him. I pulled him in my lap again and pressed him against my chest as he cried. I rocked him gently, not knowing exactly what I should do now. I didn't know what he wanted anymore. Maybe he just couldn't decide.

"Look at it from my point of view," I said softly. "I want everyone happy again. That makes me happy. You say you would give up on being a doctor a thousand times to be with me and I believe you, but there will always be that little hint of disappointment. I know you Logan. And I don't want to feel guilty about not letting you live your dream."

He only started to cry harder, so I decided to try and convince him to do this. "I only want two things. I want everyone to be happy again, that includes you. And I want to live my own dream of being with you. I thought it all out, if you follow my rules no one is going to get hurt again."

It took a while before Logan stopped crying and was only sniffling every now and then. "Why are you so perfect?" He asked, his voice hoarse and sore.

"I'm not perfect, sweetie, just want to have my family back together."

"Then you should really not do this."

I shrugged. "I think I should. So, wanna be a doctor?"

He stared me in the eyes, clearly thinking I was crazy, but then he slowly nodded. "Yes," He whispered. "Kendall, you've no idea how much this means to me."

"I think I've a pretty good idea actually," I answered, drying his cheeks with my shirt.

"Tell me the rules. I promise to follow every single one of them, Kendall."

"No night shifts. You go to the hospital three days a week and one day to university for classes or studying or whatever. The other three days you're home with me, but you can do studying on one of those days. You eat home every evening. And you call me when you've to work over." I thought for a moment. "Yeah, I think that's it."

"And after I graduate?"

"The same thing, but instead of going to the university you can go to work a fourth day."

"Let's make that an 'at home' day too," He suggested. "Three days a week is more than enough."

I grinned. "I would like that a lot."

Logan stared at me again, not exactly believing I was really letting him do this. "I love you so fucking much, Kendall," He whispered.

"I think I love you more, sweetie."

"Impossible," He whispered and kissed me tenderly.

* * *

><p><strong>So. Really long. I hate the ending, it was rushed… Anyway, what do you think?<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**I have a few things. One, I'm too fat. That means I've to train one hour a day longer than I already do. It's gonna slow my writing and updating down. Sorry. I'll try to update at least once a week, on sunday and I'll try to do wednesday or thursday too.**

**Second, I've tests this week, so it probably means I don't update at all the coming week. I'm sorry, again.**

**Third, I've part of a story posted on my profile. Please read it and tell me what you think? I would love to write it, but maybe it's too much. And I really mean too much. Just be honest with me and tell me what you think?**

* * *

><p>The weeks that followed were amazing. Certainly one of the best of my life. Logan and I spent each and every minute of every day together. He never said anything about it being too much, the opposite seemed to be true; Logan genuinely enjoyed spending time with me.<p>

It made me so happy. I just had to turn my head and there he was, meeting my eyes and smiling widely at me. Slowly everything started to feel like normal again. I had no idea where I based that on, because there hadn't been a 'normal' time since Kegan was born. Logan was constantly gone, in the beginning just not as much. And he at least tried spending time with us back then.

Logan had that look in his eyes and I could only associate it with the time after he first told me he loved me. It was like he fell in love with me all over again, which was something I was absolutely ecstatic about. He was always close to me and was kissing me and whispering 'I love you's' in my ear on the most illogical moments. Or, illogical for Logan who used to never say it in public, only when we were alone or with friends.

Sometimes I felt his eyes on me and I couldn't help but feel flattered, because sometimes he was obviously checking me out. It had been a long time since we flirted and were being disgustingly cute, I had to feel delighted. A few times I looked back at him, making him blush and turn away from me, only to just do it again when I would turn back to whatever I was doing. He knew that I liked it.

Logan helped me with all the things I used to do on my own. Cleaning, cooking, the laundry; Logan found a way to do everything together. I didn't mind at all, it went quicker with the two of us and it was so much more fun. We laughed and joked together, occasionally stealing kisses from one another in the garage where the washer and dryer were and were I did the laundry, since both cars could be parked on the lawn.

We spent time with Keira and Kegan too, he played games with them, all the while asking the children all kinds of questions about their lives, he watched movies and read them bedtime stories. They were both really happy Logan was home again.

But I loved the time we got to spent alone the most. When the children were in bed Logan came down to the living room and then we cuddled together for hours. Sometimes, mostly when he was tired, Logan crawled in my lap and put his head on my shoulder. He would then close his eyes and just enjoy my arms around him. I always pretended to watch tv then, but I was mostly watching him. I could watch Logan for years.

Other times we did the role switching thing again. Logan laid down on his back and I put my head on his chest. A few times Logan sang. Sometimes You're Beautiful, but also a melody I didn't recognize. I liked it though, especially when he played with my hair.

Logan ate. He tried to eat at least half of everything I gave him. And I gave him a lot. I made three meals a day and between them I fed him fruit and cookies I got from that little bakery on the corner -they were so good. He ate it all without complaining and it was really working. He looked healthier, his cheeks pink instead of pale. And I could swear that after two weeks Logan's chest was softer to lie on.

And I still made him stand on the scale everyday. It was the only thing Logan complained about, but he still did it. I wrote down how much weight he gained and although it didn't go as fast as I hoped, he did gain some. I just hoped he would keep it.

Today, Monday, was going to be big. First, Kegan would go to school. His first day of kindergarten and the first day ever he wasn't home, or in James' and Carlos' house, or at my moms in 2J. My poor baby wasn't looking forward to it at all, unlike Lizzy who was really excited. Last night he slept between me and Logan -I didn't like this at all, but Logan persuaded me.

I was in the shower now while Logan was in our bedroom, trying to calm Kegan down enough to get him dressed. It was even worse than Keira's first day and that was bad. She'd been so scared and I almost took her home again, but Logan stopped me. Eventually everything worked out and Keira happily told me all about what she learned that day. Back then she still liked school.

Anyway, when we've brought Kegan, Lizzy and Keira to school, Logan and I would go to the hospital to talk with his mentor about coming back. The day I told him he could finish his study we called the hospital to tell them Logan was coming back. I wasn't exactly ready to let him go back just yet, so I made him ask for two weeks off. Apparently his supervisors were so happy he would come back, they gladly gave him those two weeks.

I was going with him to make sure every rule I set was followed. It was not that I didn't trust Logan, it was just that he very easily gave in to people with more authority. Which was exactly what I didn't want. So I was coming with him and make sure everything happened as I wanted to have it. And maybe, if I could get that person we would talk to alone, I would tell them about Logan's little eating problem and made sure they would look after him a bit.

I was definitely not going to tell Logan about that.

I got out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry myself. I could hear Kegan crying and I really had no idea how I was going to do this. I couldn't just let him alone there. I wanted to have him with me at home, like it was supposed to be. Why couldn't he just stay small forever so he would stay here with us!

But I knew it didn't work that way. Kegan was growing up and going to live his own life.

I put on my boxers and a shirt, before walking back into the room. Logan was lying in bed on his side, holding Kegan against his chest. My little boy only started to cry more when he saw me coming in, because he knew that when I was done he would've to get dressed too. Logan just smiled at me sadly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, knowing there was no way I could keep him home and sat across from Logan on the bed. "It'll be fine, Kegie," I said in an attempt to comfort Kegan.

"I w-wanna s-s-stay w-with y-you," He sobbed and gripped onto Logan tighter.

"But school is fun, baby! You'll never make more friends if you don't go to school, I met papa at school," Logan told him.

"But I-I will n-not m-meet papa a-at s-s-kool!"

I tried not to laugh, but it was hard. Logan was clearly having troubles too. "I meant; then you'll never make more friends."

"L-Lizzy is a-a f-friend," He said stubbornly.

"But don't you want boys as your friends?"

"No! I d-don't w-wanna go!"

Alright. Maybe I should try being a stricter father. I grabbed Kegan under his armpits and picked him up, making him stand in front of me. "Kegan everyone has to go to school, you too. There is nothing here for you to do anyway, because Lizzy is going to school. Now, act like a big boy and go there, if you've been to school and you still don't like it we'll see what we'll do. So. Who do you want to help you dress?"

Kegan stared at me, his big brown eyes still full of tears. Then he glared at me and turned around, dropping down next to Logan. "I want daddy."

I nodded. I'd expected that after what I said. I was the bad guy now, which wouldn't be for long hopefully. Kegan wasn't good at holding grudges. He usually forgot all about an incident ten or twenty minutes after it happened. Then he would come to me again and ask me to play a game with him or sit in my lap for a hug.

Logan got up from the bed, pulling Kegan with him by his hand. They left the room and I followed them out after I put on my pants to get Keira out of bed. I went into her room and smiled when I saw her deep asleep, lying on her stomach. Her face was turned to the door and her mouth was a little open.

I sat on the edge of her bed and ran my fingers through her hair. "Wake up, honey. It's time for school again," I said softly.

She just pulled a face and turned away from me. I chuckled, putting my hand on her back and leaning forward slightly. "Keke, get up, sleepy head. Or do I've to tickle you?"

She squirmed and pulled her legs up to her chest in an attempt to protect herself from me, she'd troubles holding back a giggle. "C'mon, sweetheart, we don't have time to play games. We still have to eat breakfast and Kegan is going to school too today."

She opened her eyes and sat up, still sleepy. "What do you want to wear today, Keira?"

"Yellow," She answered and climbed out of bed while I went to her dresser. I pulled out the bright yellow dress she meant before turning around, Keira already took her pj's off.

"Do you wanna dress yourself or do I have to help you?" I asked her.

"I can do it," She told me and reached out for he dress.

I gave it to her. "Okay then. I'm going to make you brats breakfast, don't forget to brush your teeth!"

She nodded and I patted her head. I was proud of her, growing up so quickly, but unlike Kegan, I didn't mind with her. It felt different with Keira, she was so much more independent than Kegan was. In ten years she wouldn't need us anymore, but I knew that deep down, she would never go far. She would stay close to us.

I went to the kitchen and started breakfast for my family. Sandwiches. I just finished when Logan came down with Keira and Kegan, all dressed and ready. Kegan was still mad at me and stayed close to Logan. I guess it was easier to be mad at one parent when you still have the other to cuddle and play with. Huh. I had to remember that.

"With did you do on your first day of school, Keira?" I asked her, maybe if Kegan saw his sister had fun on her first day he would relax a little.

"Ms. Collins told me what I could do. First we play, then we Ms. Collins helps us with our projects and then she teaches us something. Then we go outside and then we eat a snack, then we played more and then we went home!" She said. I put the plates on the table and sat down.

"And what kind of toys could you choose from?" I asked her.

"There are dolls and cars and pencils. And more but I don't play with that."

I glanced at Kegan for a second. He was sitting in Logan's lap, listening carefully. When he saw me looking he glared at me, but an angry Kegan was so cute I could barely stop myself from laughing. "So actually it's more fun there than here?"

Keira nodded.

Kegan said nothing.

We talked a little more, but then it was time to go to school. Kegan was still scared and clung to Logan tightly, forcing him to carry Kegan to the car, while I took their bags and helped Keira in the car -under loud protest, because she could do it herself.

Logan climbed next to me in the passenger seat and we were ready to go. I drove to the front of James' house and pressed the claxon once. "They're going with us, just not in the same car, because it's not going to fit."

Kegan's little face lit up and he eagerly looked out of the window if he could see his little friend. One minute later the three of them came out the door, Lizzy was pulling Carlos by his hand. James was the only one that waved at us.

They got in their car and then we were off. It was only ten minutes to elementary school, which also held kindergarten so the drive was short. Kegan didn't talk, but I did ask Keira more questions about school that I knew would have a positive effect on him. I'd hoped to get him at least a little excited, but the only thing I reached was that he wasn't crying anymore. Too bad.

I parked the car and we all got out. Kegan came timidly up to me and tugged on my pants, signaling he wanted up. I picked him up and held him on my arm. "What's up, buddy?"

He reached forward and wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing his little face in my shoulder. Apparently he already forgot he was mad at me. I rubbed his back while we waited for our friends, that had to park a little further away. Lizzy reached us first, extremely excited about going to school and gladly talked with Keira about it. James and Carlos came too, the shorter one looking nervous and worried.

Kegan's hold on me tightened when we started to walk, he knew what it meant and he really didn't want to go. "Are you scared, Kegie?" I asked soft enough only Logan could hear, but he pretended to watch Keira and Lizzy.

He nodded and I felt wetness on my shoulder.

"Of what are you scared?" I whispered in his hair, before pressing a kiss on his forehead.

"Maybe you and daddy don't come back," He whimpered.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I didn't even think of that. I thought he was just scared of the other kids or the teacher or being there all alone. But this fear didn't have to do anything with school itself. He was scared we would leave him here and never come back for him. Which was ridiculous, but it was a rational fear as you looked at all that happened recently.

"We'll always come back for you, baby. Always. Daddy and I love you so much, but you have to go to school. If it was me who had to make the choice, you would stay home with us forever. But I can't, you have to go to school."

Kegan sniffled a little and looked up at me, still with tears in his eyes. "Are you really coming back?"

"Daddy and I are both coming to get you, Kegie. I promise. And tonight we'll do something you want to do, deal?"

He nodded and even smiled a little. Just then I realized we were already inside the school, in front of the classroom Keira went to last year, but she was bigger now. James, Carlos, Lizzy, Logan and Keira were already inside. "Look at that, Kegan! See all the colors and play corners?"

He turned away from me and beamed when he saw all the cool stuff they had here. I slowly put him down, but Kegan was too shy to go get something and play with it. Logan kneeled next to him on the ground and whispered something in his ear that made him giggle. Logan gave him a hug and then Kegan was walking up to Lizzy, who was playing with something she found in a box.

James and Carlos were already talking to the teacher, pointing at Lizzy and laughing a little. I wrapped my arm around Logan's waist and pulled him towards them. "She was very eager to come here, has been looking forward to school for a while now," James said.

The teacher smiled at him and then noticed me. "Mr. Knight! I thought I would see you today! Keira was such a pleasure to have in my class and I was delighted to see I had the youngest Knight too! Tell me, which one is yours?" She gestured to the classroom full of playing children.

"Kegan is the one playing with Lizzy," I answered, figuring she already knew who the blonde girl was.

"Ah, of course! He looks like you, Mr. Knight." She then noticed Logan. "Like both of you. I assume this is the other Mr. Knight?"

He nodded and they shook hands, giving their full names. "Well, I'll make sure they have a nice first day. Is there anything I need to know before I go over to meet them?"

"Kegan was really scared to go to school," I said, "But I think we managed to calm him down for the most part."

"There's always one that's scared," She said pitifully. "Well, I suggest you say goodbye, I promise to do my best to give them both a nice day."

We thanked her before going over to our children, Keira was waiting patiently by the door. James and Carlos were done quickly; Lizzy hugged them both but was off soon to find something else to play with. Kegan took a little longer, but eventually he allowed it to be put down and waved at us sadly. "See you after school, Kegie," Logan said.

I put a hand on his lower back, pushing a little. I wanted to get out of here before Kegan decided to throw a fit and start crying. I couldn't handle that yet. Once outside, we took Keira to her classroom and said goodbye, before walking back to the cars.

James and Carlos were going back home, since Carlos' car was still there and they both had to go to work. Logan and I would go to the hospital right away. Our appointment was at nine thirty, so we didn't have time to go back home.

We said goodbye and Logan and I got into the car. "Do you think he'll make it through the day without crying?" He asked when he'd closed the door.

"I'm half expecting we get a phone call about an hour of three from now, telling us that Kegan's crying so bad they can't handle it anymore."

"And the other half?"

"It's also possible Lizzy will manage to distract him all day. We'll have to wait, I guess."

"I'm sure he'll be fine."

I smiled at him, earning a smile back. A moment later Logan's hand was over mine on the gear box. It helped a little. The rest of the drive was silent. Logan was nervous for what was about to come and my thoughts were still with Kegan and some with Keira too. I didn't forget about her problems, but unfortunately it had to wait.

I parked the car and together we walked into the hospital. Logan telling me what corridors and elevators I had to take. We reached the second floor, where the NICU was were Kegan laid when he was just born and the PICU, where Logan worked with sick little toddlers and infants.

He silently pulled me into a room meant for employees. I looked around curiously. There were a few people eating or looking through some documents. In the back I saw a doctor talking with another doctor and a nurse. Logan pushed me down in a chair. "Do you want coffee?"

I nodded and watched him walking towards the little kitchen like corner. He put two paper cups under the coffee maker and came back to me when they were full. "Hey Logan!"

I turned and saw another young doctor walking up to Logan, who smiled and said, "Hey Daniel."

"Where have you been, man? You practically lived here and suddenly you were gone!" The guy named Daniel said. He had red hair and a lot of freckles, he was really tall and skinny. It was kinda creepy.

"I went home. Had some things I had to fix, too important to ignore." Logan smiled at me.

"Problems with your parents?"

"No. My husband."

Daniel's eyebrows raised so quick I didn't even see them move. "You're married?"

"Yup, have two children too," He said proudly.

I thought his eyes were going to pop out. "Wow. I wouldn't have guessed that."

"He's here, actually." Logan showed him the two cups of coffee he was holding. This was probably my sign to get up, so that was what I did.

"Hello," I said when I was almost next to them. "Colleague?" I asked Logan.

"Colleague, fellow student, etc. This guy has been following me around since our first day."

"Dude! You're Kendall Knight! From that band, what was it called, Big time rush or something?" He then turned to Logan. "But then you're Logan Mitchell!"

"Not anymore," Logan said, showing him is wedding ring and smiled at me.

"Huh, I told you I've seen you before. The last name just confused me... Anyway, nice to meet you." He held out his hand and I shook it, having a goofy grin on my face. I liked this guy.

His face then turned a little red. "This is awkward, but my girlfriend will kill me if I don't ask, so can I have your autograph? She's still in love with your music, was crush when you broke up the band, although I now know why you did it..."

I laughed. "Sure." Logan nodded too, smiling a little. It was nice we still found fans every once in a while. I scribbled my signature on a piece of paper and after Logan did the same he handed it to Daniel.

"Thanks," He said happily. "But I'm afraid I've to go now, I had to take over some of your patients when you left and little Tommy's legs are getting worse."

Logan pulled a face. "Did you try using the hand doll while you put that stuff on the wound? He likes that, won't cry at all."

"No, I didn't! I suddenly remember why I missed you again! Thanks!" And with that he was gone.

I chuckled and turned to Logan. "He's silly."

"I know, he's a genius though. He's the one I go to when I can't figure out what's wrong with a kid. Here's your coffee, by the way." He handed me the cup and we went back towards the chairs I'd been sitting in. It was only eight fifteen, so we still had fifteen minutes before our appointment with Logan's mentor.

We talked together softly, but were interrupted occasionally by another person greeting Logan. He introduced me to everybody. I figured it was natural to know so much people if you 'practically lived here.' I pushed that thought away. Logan was back with me. He would never do that to me again. Never.

Logan noticed I wasn't feel exactly good about this and grabbed my hand, linking our fingers. With his other hand he fiddled with my bracelet until the heart with 'I promise' was on top of my wrist. He leaned closer to me. "Don't worry," He whispered, before kissing my cheek.

I nodded and smiled at him weakly. Now I was sitting here I began to doubt my decision. Did I really want this? No. If I was honest I wanted to go home now and lock him in our house, keeping him there forever. I was terrified all I went through would happen all over again. I wasn't sure if I could even handle it if he came home one minute later after work.

But I couldn't live with the guilt of ruining Logan's dream. It didn't matter how often he said he would give it up for me a thousand times. I believed he would do it. It just didn't change how I felt about this. I didn't want to see the longing in his eyes every time he saw a doctor on tv or in a magazine. I wanted him to have what he wanted most, as long as I could have what I wanted most; him.

It hurt a little when I figured out I wasn't what he wanted most, but it didn't matter as long as he loved me. Because I needed that. I needed him and I needed him to be happy to make me happy. I loved him insanely much and I needed him as much as I needed air.

It was weird how insecure I became after the things Logan did. I've never been this uncertain about our relationship and I wanted it to end. I wanted to trust Logan enough to know he'll never even think about leaving me or doing whatever else I didn't like. I wanted to be myself again, how I was before he even went to med school. Confident and strong and independent and helpful and caring. I didn't want to need Logan to show me I was still those things.

I suddenly noticed that Logan was standing up and thought it was time for our talk with his mentor, but instead he started pulling me to the door that led out of the room. He said nothing while he pulled me to a nearby bathroom, pushed me in it and locked the door behind him. "C'mere," He whispered and opened his arms.

I timidly stepped closer and allowed him to hug me, resting my head on his shoulder. "It's hard, hm?"

I nodded and pressed my face in the crook of his neck, wanting to hide in his skin and forget I was doing this. "We can still back out, you know," He whispered and softly ran his fingers over my back, "I'll stop whenever you want me to. I don't want to do this when it makes you feel this miserable."

"I don't want to stop now. I wanna at least try this before I want you to quit. I probably just have to get used to this and then it'll be fine. And it can not be so hard, right? I managed t-to l-live without y-you b-before." I let my tears drip on his shoulder at the thought of being one minute without Logan.

He gently cupped my face and pulled it up until he could see my eyes. He brushed the tears away with his thumbs, before leaning in and kissing me softly. "We're going home after this," He told me and brushed his lips against mine. "We're going home and do whatever you want; watch a movie, work in your garden, cuddle together or make love, it doesn't matter. And I'll stay with you the whole time. Sounds good to you?"

I nodded. He smiled at me, slowly running his fingers over my face. "Wanna kiss a little?"

"But we've t-to go talk to t-that doctor..."

"He can wait, baby," Logan whispered, "You're way more important."

I nodded quickly, "Please," I whimpered.

Logan pressed his lips on mine and moved them slowly, tenderly. As if I was the most delicate thing in the world. It was exactly what I needed at the moment and made me stop thinking, because there was only Logan. My Logan who loved me and wanted to make me feel loved again. Who took care of me and made me feel better now that I was worse than an emotional wreck.

He slowly ran his hands up on my back, caressing my skin while we moved our lips together. I had no idea how long we were in that bathroom, but Logan didn't stop kissing me until he was sure I felt more relaxed. Not once did he show impatience or irritation we couldn't be in time for the conversation with his mentor we should be having at that moment. I loved him for it.

It was me who pulled away, just like always, because Logan continued kissing me until I wanted to stop, which was awesome. I put my head back on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Tell me you love me," I whispered, needing just that.

"I love you so much, Kendall," He whispered in my ear and kissed my neck. "Are you feeling a little better?"

I nodded, but didn't let go of him yet. Logan didn't urge me to do so and put his arms around my shoulder. "I love you too."

I could feel his smile, which made me happy -or happier. "How about I try to get another day off?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"I mean, trying to work one day less from the three you gave me to work at the hospital? Make it two days work and one day university. Would you like that better?"

I pulled my head up from his shoulder to look at him. "Yes."

"Then we'll do that, baby," He said soothingly. "Ready to go?"

I nodded and Logan grabbed my hand before unlocking the door. We went back to the employees room, there were still some doctors, but now the door on left side of the room was open. Logan squeezed softly in my hand and started walking to the door.

"Ah! Logan, I thought you decided not to come, but I'm glad you're here now. Come in," A large, fat man said when he saw Logan and gestured towards the chairs across from his desk. "Who did you bring?"

"Hello, Dr. Ewing. This is my husband, Kendall. Kendall, Dr. Ewing."

The doctor got up and walked around his desk to shake my hand. "It's nice to meet you. I heard a lot about you," He said friendly. "Have a seat."

Logan took the chair directly in front of his mentor and I sat in the one on his left. "So. We are here to talk about you coming back and finishing your study to be a doctor?"

"That's correct," Logan answered.

"You've no idea how happy we were to hear that. You're very loved around here, Logan. You're smart and know how to work with children. We want to keep you."

Logan blushed. "That's very nice to hear."

Dr. Ewing smiled at his student before grabbing a folder with Logan's name on it. "I would like to know the reason you wanted to quit, we want to prevent incidents like these in the future. Not only with you, but with other student too. Can you share your thoughts?"

Logan looked at me for a second. "I, uhm, I worked a lot the last six months. I had a reason for that, a personal reason, I rather not tell." Dr. Ewing nodded, signaling that was okay. "I quit, because I remembered there was something more important than being a doctor. I didn't want to hurt my family anymore than I'd already done. So I quit and decided to focus on them, but Kendall told me I should finish my study and be a doctor for a while."

Dr. Ewing nodded and wrote something down. "Well, Logan. I've good news for you. If you put all the hours you worked together you get one and a half times as much as you need for your internship. It might be good to continue you to come here maybe once or twice a week to keep up your practical experience, but you're practically ready for your final exams. Continue going to take your classes and then you'll be good. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't pass that."

I felt a smile coming to my face, because finally Logan's days away from me brought me something good; days with Logan. "Really?" Logan asked surprised, "Two days a week? That's it?"

"Unless you -want- to work more?"

"No! I mean, no, I prefer being home."

"That's what I thought," Dr. Ewing said with a smile at me. If he only knew half of how happy he just made me. "Well, unless you've something else, I think we're done here?"

"There is actually," Logan said. "I don't want to work anymore night shifts."

"That can be arranged."

"Good," He said relieved and stood up. "I've nothing more. Thank you, Dr. Ewing."

"It's my pleasure, Logan. We want to keep you, this is the least we can do."

Logan beamed and I smiled, happy how this worked out. It was even better than I hoped, because this meant I had Logan home five days a week for the next two months. Then he would do his exams and we would've to look at this again by then, but until then I had him home. And three of those days Keira and Kegan would be at school, which made this even better.

They talked about what days he should come and more stuff that didn't matter for me. So I daydreamed some more about the alone time I would have with Logan. "... I'll do that right away. Kendall, are you listening?"

"No..."

Logan smiled, knowing where I was in my head. "I have to go get some of my stuff from my locker and bring it to another one. I'll be back in two minutes, do you mind waiting here?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't mind."

Logan left quickly and I sat in silence with Dr. Ewing for a while. Until I remembered I wanted to ask him something. "Can you do something for me?" I questioned bluntly.

"Depends on what you want from me," He said calmly.

"Make sure Logan eats? Because he lost forty pounds in the last half year."

Dr. Ewing nodded sadly. "I noticed. Not when it was going on, but when he came in here. Such a difference since the first time I saw him. I'll go get him for lunch myself, Mr. Knight. I guess I owe you that much."

"You owe me nothing," I said surprised.

"No, I do. I apologize for asking Logan to work so much, I forgot how important family is. It's been a while since I had mine."

I nodded, feeling sorry for the man. I was glad it didn't come that far with Logan and me. "Thank you."

Before he could answer me Logan came back and grabbed his jacket. "You ready?"

I nodded. We said goodbye to the doctor and then left the hospital. Logan drove back, but held my hand the whole time. I was so happy about the outcome. I couldn't believe I would have five full days with Logan while I only asked for three. Logan made it four and now we had five. I loved it.

We reached our house and went inside. I didn't even allow him to pull off his jacket, but just picked him up under his thighs and pressed him against the door. He moaned quietly, wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me.

Logan put his legs around my waist, allowing me my hands back. I moved them under his shirt on his sides, touching him ever so lightly. He shuddered and pressed himself against me, never taking his mouth of mine. It felt so damn good to have him around.

I pulled away from the door and started to carry him to the stairs. Logan gripped onto me tighter and started sucking and nibbling on my pulse point. I had to stop a few times on the stairs or we would've fallen down, but we reached the top without injuries.

I brought him to our room and put him down there. "Strip," I commanded and kicked my shoes off. He followed my example, never taking his eyes off of me. His normally lovely chocolate brown eyes turned into pitch black pools of lust.

I was done first and crawled in bed, under the covers. Logan followed me quickly and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me closer until I was flush against him. Logan gently pushed my knees apart and put his leg between mine. "That went better than I expected," He muttered and kissed me lightly. "Are you happy?"

I nodded, leaning forward for another kiss, but Logan pulled his head away teasingly. I pouted and Logan giggled, before moving forward and giving me what I wanted anyway. I instantly deepened it, getting a groan from Logan who gladly moved with me.

I rolled onto my back, pulling Logan on top of me. He carefully pried my lips apart to make place for his tongue, I let him, loving it to just get lost in our kiss. I didn't notice anything besides our kiss, which was why Logan's thigh against my crotch came as a surprise. "Fuck, Logie," I breathed.

He smirked and slowly began to roll his hips against mine. I closed my eyes, feeling myself getting hard and aroused. I rubbed Logan's back and moaned quietly when he sucked on my neck. He rolled his hips against me, this time with more force. I gasped out and tightened my hold on him. He now kissed lower, on my collar bone. "Logan," I whispered, "I want you inside of me."

He froze and looked up at me. "W-what?"

And then I realized what I said. I hadn't meant it to say it right at that moment, but I did want it. I wanted to know what it felt like to have him inside me for a change. I already knew I liked having him hold me, but this was different. I wanted to know what Logan was like as a lover. "Just like I said it," I muttered, stroking his hair behind his ear.

"Kendall..." He whispered.

"Please?" I asked softly. "I really, really want this, Logie."

He stared at me, chewing on his bottom lip. "But it'll hurt. I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't care."

"Kendall, I don't know about this," He whispered.

"It will be fine, it was when we had our first time right? And that's the same as now, just the other way around. And who knows, maybe we'll like this better."

He was still struggling. "I've never topped before; what if I suck? I don't want to make this bad for you."

I chuckled softly. "And I've never been on the receiving end before. Even if you were bad, which you aren't, I've no one to compare you with."

He was looking deeply in my eyes, thinking hard. I wished I knew what he was thinking. "You'll have to help me," He said eventually.

I grinned and cupped his face, pulling him down for a kiss. "I will. And thank you," I answered softly. He smiled at me shyly before kissing me again, this time with a little more force. I loved it he was actually going along with this and did exactly what I hoped he would do.

I wanted to know what it was like to have Logan make love to me. I wanted to get soothed and comforted while he slowly pushed into me. I wanted to cling to him tightly while he pleasured me. I wanted to stop thinking and controlling things, I just wanted to feel. I wanted feel loved and safe and cared for; all the things I'd always wanted Logan to feel.

It had become a craving, something I realized I needed more than I ever thought possible. I never saw how big of a weakness it really was. Before I always thought my only weakness was Logan; when someone hurt him, they hurt me. But apparently I had another one. A weakness that had everything to do with Logan, but wasn't a part of the 'hurt him, I'll kill you' idea.

I just wanted to have this too. Logan promised he would do anything for me, which was probably why he didn't protest more when I suggested it, and he would really do everything. Even if that meant a conflict with himself about hurting me. It was hard, I knew that. I understood perfectly well what kind of position he put himself in, but I was going to make full advantage of it.

"Quit thinking," He muttered in my ear, before biting down lightly. "I'm trying to seduce you here, but you just lay there. It's not good for my self-esteem when you don't even get turned on by what I'm going to do."

"Sorry, Logie," I whispered, before pulling him in for a kiss. He greedily kissed me back, a little more enthusiastic now I was actually participating in our fore play.

I put my hands on his hips, urging him to roll his hips on mine again. He did, both of us gasping at the delicious feeling. He never broke the kiss while he started to run his hands up and down my chest and stomach. I opened my mouth, gladly welcoming his tongue that started caressing mine inside my mouth.

For a while we just kissed. Logan knew I loved the more intimate kind of sex so much more than the dirty part. After the first time I told him I didn't want him to do those awesome things he could do with his mouth yet, he never tried again. I liked it he waited for my okay. It made me feel like I mattered more. So he just sticked to kissing, softly touching and using his hands.

I moaned quietly when I felt his hand closing around my member, slowly pumping, making me even harder. He continued to kiss me as he began to push my legs apart with his knees. I wished I could wrap my legs around him like he always did with me, but he was too thin for that. My legs wouldn't stay around him.

Instead I put my arms tightly around his neck, needing more skin to skin contact. Logan moaned quietly and kissed me more fiercely. Slowly, he began to move his hands lower over my hips and thighs and then back up, this time on the inside of my thighs.

I whined when he skipped the spot I wanted to have him most and moved his hands up my abdomen. "Logie," I pouted.

He chuckled and started kissing my neck while he traced my abs with his fingers. "Are you sure?" He whispered.

"I really want this, Logan," I whispered back. I grabbed onto him tighter. The fact that I wanted this didn't make it less scary. I remembered how Logan felt when we had our first time and finally understood why he was so nervous. I'd only felt excitement back then.

"Okay," He said softly. He reached out over me and grabbed the lube. I bit my lip as I watched him sitting up and coating his fingers in it. He met my eyes and I saw he was just as nervous as I was, which made me feel a little better.

He put his clean hand on the inside of my thigh and pushed my leg open further. I did the same with the other and felt horribly exposed, but than I remembered this was Logan. He knew everything about me, he loved me. I didn't have to feel awkward around him. After all he did the exact same thing.

I felt one of his fingers on my most intimate place, slowly circling and, -fuck-, it felt good! I but my lips, knowing this was nothing and that I was definitely going to be in pain soon. Logan inserted his first finger and it was weird. It wasn't painful, it wasn't even uncomfortable, it was just odd, something you probably had to get used to before you could say if you liked it or not.

After a few minutes of slowly moving his finger in and out of me, he let a second finger join in. It was now that I actually felt some discomfort, I shifted a little trying to make it change.

"You've to relax, Kendall," Logan mumbled. He put his clean hand on my stomach and rubbed gently until I was lying still again. He scissored his fingers, which hurt, but I didn't show it because I didn't want Logan to stop. It was all better though when Logan put his hand around my member and began pumping it in time with his fingers. I didn't even feel it when Logan put a third finger in.

What I did feel was the immense pleasure washing over my body when Logan's fingers brushed over that spot inside of me. I'd seen for years how Logan react to that, but I had no idea it was this -good-. I gasped out and shuddered when he did it again, unconsciously pushing myself down on his fingers.

Logan chuckled, "Feels good, huh?"

"Yes. Don't stop," I moaned.

"Wasn't planning on it," He said and continued fingering me.

It felt so fucking good and I had no idea what I should move in to; Logan's hand or his fingers. I lost myself in the pleasure and realized too late how close I was to releasing. It wasn't my plan to come this early, but my body -and apparently Logan too because he moved his fingers and hand faster- had different ideas.

I moaned and shook when I fell over the edge, exclaiming something like Logan's name. He never stopped pleasuring me until I came down from my high. He grabbed some tissues from my night stand and wiped his fingers clean before he lay down next to me and pulled me in his arms. I pressed my face in the crook of his neck and slowly breathed in and out until I was calm again.

"I didn't mean to let this end so quick," I muttered disappointed.

"We'll just continue tonight, baby, don't worry," He said. "And you liked this, right?"

"Fuck, yes."

"That's what I thought," He said smugly. I slapped his arm and yawned, quickly snuggling back against him and wrapping my arm around his waist. Logan played with my hair and in minutes I was fast asleep.

* * *

><p>"Kendall, wake up, baby," Logan whispered and kissed my forehead.<p>

I groaned and turned away from him, not feeling like getting up at all. Logan had to stay with me in bed and hold me and kiss me until I was done. "Don't want to."

"You've no choice," He chuckled, "We have to go and get the children from school, remember? And it's two thirty now."

I sighed and realized I indeed had no choice. I didn't want to let Logan go alone and I couldn't just not go to see if Kegan was okay. I hoped so, but he was really upset this morning... "Alright, I'm up. But I want a kiss first."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Fine." He kissed me quickly and pulled away before I could do anything.

"Hey!"

"What? If I give you a longer kiss you'll never get out of that bed."

I pouted. "I don't like you anymore."

"Sure," He said sarcastically. "Then I guess were not making love tonight either, if you don't even like me..."

"We are so gonna do that! And I'm bottoming."

He laughed. "Get up then."

I glared at him, but did what he said. Twenty minutes later we were ready to go. School was out at three, that gave us just enough time to go and get them. I parked the car in the same spot as that morning and together we walked to the building. Some parents were already walking away with their children, which meant school was out and we were late.

Logan walked a little faster, gripping onto my hand tightly. It was like he was worried or something. I didn't understand why, which made me worried too. There was nothing wrong with Kegan and Keira... Right?

I was relieved when I saw the two of them standing together close to the door, grasping onto their bags and each others hands. It was cute and it made me smile. Logan didn't slow down though.

"Daddy!" Kegan said happily when he saw us. He let go of Keira's hand and ran up to us, his sister following him swiftly. Logan caught him and held him on his arm. Keira stood next to me and grabbed my hand.

"Hey, buddy. Where is Lizzy?"

And that was when I realized the little blonde girl wasn't here. Kegan frowned, "Lizzy went to the bathroom, but then the bell rang and everyone went outside. Keira thinks she's maybe lost."

"Okay. Let's go find her then," Logan said and put Kegan on the ground. He grabbed my other hand. He began to tell me all about his day, which went well luckily, while we followed Logan back inside the school. The kindergarten classrooms were at the back of the school and it was no wonder Lizzy got lost here.

Logan checked the bathroom, but she wasn't there anymore. The four of walked back to Lizzy's and Kegan's classroom, maybe she was still there with her teacher.

Keira saw her first, "There, papa!"

I looked over and saw my godchild standing there, safe and well. She was talking to a woman with long and thin silver blonde hair, not older than twenty five. Her eyes had the same icy blue color as... Lizzy's. I felt all the blood leaving my face when I realized the woman looked too much like Lizzy, or the other way around. There was no way the two of them weren't related.

Logan looked back at me, the same horrified look in his eyes. This was going to get James and Carlos a whole lot of trouble. Lizzy's biological parents -or at least her mother- found her daughter.

"Lizzy! There you are, come here, honey!" Logan said carefully. The little girl turned around and grinned widely when she saw us. She said a last thing to the woman, who was glaring at us, before running over. Logan picked her up like he did with Kegan and smiled at her. "I thought we lost you! Your daddies wouldn't have been happy with us then, do you think? I'm glad you're here, sweetheart."

"I had soooooo much fun at school!" She spread her arms as wide as she could to show us how much fun she had.

"That's great, baby! Tell me, what did you like most?"

She began to tell Logan all about what she did while he slowly started to walk, away from the woman. I looked back at her a last time, but we couldn't have made a mistake, this really was Lizzy's mother. Or her twin sister.

I tightened my hold on the hands of my children and quickly followed Logan. We had to tell James and Carlos. Fast.

* * *

><p><strong>What's with me and huge chapters lately? I hope you like it, but I've no idea how long I can keep this up...<strong>

**So that happened. Probably the most exciting thing in the whole chapter. Oh well. I hoped you liked it anyway.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I've something to say for this chapter. I always do research when I'm using things like adoption and what you're gonna read soon. I try to stay as close to the truth as I can, but sometimes I can't find good information about things or only how it happens in the Netherlands. So I don't know if this is how it happens in the USA, but I simply couldn't find the right information.**

* * *

><p>Going home wasn't fun at all. How were we going to explain this to James and Carlos? They were going to be terrified, the first day their daughter goes to school and this happens. Compared to this the problems we had with Kegan that morning were nothing. At least we knew for sure he was ours and no one had the right to take him away from us as long as we took good care of him.<p>

But I doubted if Lizzy's biological parents could get her back from James and Carlos. I thought they lost all parental rights when they abandoned her at the hospital and didn't come back for her within two days. Even if they tried now, I didn't think the judge or the jury will ever let them have Lizzy back after what they did to her stomach. She was so much better off with them.

But maybe they weren't even after Lizzy. Maybe the mother just wanted to know if her child was taken good care of and move on with her life, knowing her daughter was in good hands. After all she didn't do anything today either, what if she was nice now and regretted what she did to her daughter. Maybe it wasn't even her, but the father who burned Lizzy's skin and made the woman bring the baby to the hospital.

I suddenly felt Logan's hand on my knee and flinched. He chuckled, "Stop thinking, we're home." And then I noticed it was really quiet in the car, the usual chattering of the kids was missing and Logan was no longer sitting behind the steering wheel, but standing on my right side, outside the car.

"Huh," I said confused and took Logan's hand. "I didn't even notice."

"I noticed. Thinking about Lizzy?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to worry yet. Carlos and James are just as much Lizzy's parents as we are Keira's and Kegan's. That lady can't take Lizzy away from them, unless she finds something that indicates James and Carlos are abusive parents."

"And there's nothing that would prove that?" I asked uncertainly. James and Carlos would be devastated if they lost Lizzy, but that didn't mean me, or Logan, didn't love Lizzy. She was like a daughter to me.

"Of course not! I've been back for only a few weeks, but on the first day I noticed they spoil her like crazy."

"They do," I chuckled. I grabbed Logan's hand tighter and we walked back to our house, finding all three children in the kitchen. I was glad to have them home again, it felt a lot safer than at their school, where the creepy lady was who wanted to steal Lizzy. I smiled when I saw them all sitting at the table, babbling about what they did today.

"Go sit with them," I told Logan and let go of his hand. I made lemonade for everyone and grabbed my cookie basket from the top shelve above the refrigerator. Once Kegan was old enough to realize where I got the cookies from, he and Lizzy managed to climb onto the counter and found the cookies in the cabinet above the sink where I kept them back then. They ate half of all the cookies before I found them there and kicked their asses.

I put the glasses on the table and used my foot to get him off my chair. He got up and I sat down, pulling him in my lap. Then I opened the box and showed the cookies to Logan. "Aren't these way too good to share with those kids? Why don't we just keep them all to ourselves?" I proposed, loving the shocked faces of my children.

"Sounds great to me," Logan said and picked a cookie, completely putting it in his mouth. "Yum! So good!" He moaned and made a show of licking his fingers and rubbing his stomach.

"No, daddy! Want one too!" Kegan said angrily. He was so cute when he was angry.

"Nope, these aren't good for little boys like you."

"I'm not little! I go to school!"

Logan nodded slowly. "Huh, I guess you're right. Come here then, you can pick a cookie." Kegan grinned widely and climbed off his chair, going over to ours and picked a pink cookie from my basket.

"I went to school too!" Lizzy said offended and quickly crawled off her chair, running over to claim what was hers.

Keira was awfully quiet and just sat in her chair, looking at the table. "Don't you want a cookie, Keke?"

She shook her head, "I didn't do anything special today," She said softly.

"You went to school too, right? That's special enough for me," I said and Logan nodded in agreement, making Keira smile a tiny bit. She got up and came over to me to pick a cookie, before walking to Logan and holding out her arms, wanting him to pick her up. He did and held her in his lap while she ate her cookie.

I picked another cookie from the basket, the biggest one I could find. It wasn't for myself though, it was for Logan. I held it out for him and he stared at it for a second, before he realized I was going to make him eat it one way or another and began to take little bites off of it. I was happy. Logan had to get fatter.

Once we were all finished the children went upstairs to play in Keira's room, while Logan and I stayed in the kitchen. "What time do James and Carlos usually get home?" He asked thoughtfully.

"Depends. Carlos is often home by five, but James' job is more irregular. It's April though, not really a busy month in the show business. He'll get back soon too."

"What kind of campaign is he busy with anyway?"

"Some type of commercial for a certain perfume brand. Carlos bitched about it for weeks when he found out. He's jealous of the other model in it."

Logan chuckled. "I wouldn't be happy either if I had to see you on every billboard in town, staring at a gorgeous woman with a shirt that's wet and cut way too low."

"Really?" I asked happily, wondering what a jealous Logan would be like.

"Of course. Just imagine it's me."

I imagined Logan's head on a body like James' and burst out in laughter. That was ridiculous. "What?" Logan asked curiously.

"Imagining you're face on James' body is kinda weird," I laughed. Logan pouted and turned away from me. "Aw. Logie, you know I don't mean it like that."

"I know, but I was strong once too."

"Yeah, before you got pregnant with Keira, which was over six years ago."

"Kendall!" He whined. "I can be muscular!"

I chuckled. "Okay, sweetie." I got up and stood behind him. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I slowly moved them down his arms until my head was on his shoulder. He leaned into me and put his hands over mine.

"Besides what happened with Lizzy our day went pretty well, didn't it?" I said softly, rubbing my cheek against his.

"It did. But it's not over yet. We still have to tell James and Carlos."

"How are we gonna do that? It's not exactly something you just drop in a conversation."

"Well, we'll have to. There isn't exactly an easy way to tell them this- Hey, isn't that James' car?" Logan asked surprised and sat up a bit straighter to see the black car riding onto the lawn of James' and Carlos' house.

"It is," I answered confused. "That's early."

Logan got up too and went over to the window, we were just in time to see James and Carlos coming out of the car, both seemed to be very angry. To my surprise, they started running straight to our house. Logan looked up at me, he was just as stunned as I was.

A second later the door flew open and the both of them came storming in. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" James yelled furiously. Carlos ran past him, up the stairs.

"James, what are you talking about?" I asked confused. He was looking straight at me, so I guessed his anger was meant for me too.

"Like you don't know! How could you do this?" He shouted and now I noticed the tears, betrayal and fear dominating his eyes. I also saw he was holding a letter in his hand

"I've no idea what you're going on about, buddy, but I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding," I said, trying to come closer, but he only stepped back, like I had a disease or something. I looked over his shoulder to see Carlos coming down, carrying Lizzy and holding her tightly. The little blonde girl was confused like us, her eyes going from her one daddy to the other.

Carlos ran his hand over James' back and ignored us, walking out without so much as a glance in our direction. James waited with talking until the door closed behind us. "You know very well what I'm talking about. Carlos and I abuse Lizzy, huh? What the hell did we do to you to deserve this? We might loose her!"

My mouth fell open and Logan froze besides me. I didn't do that. Why would I? James and Carlos were great fathers, I never even thought about telling Child protection services they were abusing their daughter. They loved her so much, they weren't going to ever hurt her. "I-I didn't do that, James," I whispered. "Why would I?"

"I've no idea! The only thing I know is that your name and signature are on this fucking letter!" He shouted, impatiently wiping his tears away. "What did we do to you that makes you do this? I thought you were our friend!"

"I am! I didn't do this!"

Logan stepped forward. "James, give me that letter," He said sharply.

James gave Logan the letter and continued glaring at me furiously. I didn't get it. This must be a mistake. I never said James and Carlos abused their kid. I didn't say it or write it. I couldn't handle the emotions in James' eyes and looked at Logan, whose eyes were skimming over the letter so fast I could barely see his brown orbs move.

"Kendall, where's your passport?" He asked suddenly, his eyes still on the letter. I frowned, but went into the dining room. There was a dresser where I kept all the formal papers.

"What does that have to do with anything?" James snapped.

"This isn't Kendall's signature," Logan said thoughtfully. "This is the scratch he used for our fans." I gave him my passport. He opened it and compared my signature to the one on the letter, before he started smiling triumphantly.

He showed it to James who looked between the two pieces of paper too, before sighing in relieve. "Thank god," He whispered, before looking up at me. "I'm sorry, Kendall. I shouldn't have jumped into this conclusion so quick, I just-"

"It's okay," I said relieved. I was glad he no longer thought I was the one who warned Child Protective Services.

"James, why don't you go get Carlos?" Logan said timidly. "Kendall and I found out about something today that has something to do with this."

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"Get Carlos, we'll explain when he's here too."

James nodded and walked outside. I went up to Logan, hugging him tightly. "Thank you for helping me out," I whispered in his ear.

"I couldn't just let James accuse you of something I know you didn't do." He looked up at me, cupping my face. I smiled and kissed him softly, pulling away when I heard the front door open.

Carlos came bouncing over and hugged me tightly. "I knew you didn't do it," He said happily.

I chuckled. "It's fine, Carlos. I would react like that too when I got a letter like that for Keira and Kegan."

He nodded sadly. "This is not over yet, though, but at least we've you to convince CPS that we do not abuse Lizzy," He said quietly.

I looked over his shoulder and saw that James was distracting Lizzy so she wouldn't hear what we were saying. "We'll help, of course," Logan said quickly. "I know people there. I had to call them myself once when I suspected one of my patients was abused by her father."

"That's something," Carlos said, a little more optimistic. He turned around and watched how James put Lizzy on the stairs, telling her to go play with Keira and Kegan.

All four of us were silent until we heard a door open and close upstairs, before going into the living room. Carlos and James took the couch, sitting close to each other. I sat in a chair and Logan on the arm rest. "What do you've to tell us?" James asked.

"We, uhm," Logan started. "We went to get the children from school, but when we got there, only Keira and Kegan were waiting outside."

I went on. "According to Kegan, Lizzy went to bathroom right before the end of the day. She got lost inside the building, so we went inside to search for her. We found her quickly, she found her way back to her classroom, but when we got there she was talking to a woman."

"Like a teacher or something?" Carlos asked confused.

"I guess she must be one," Logan said, "But the point is that she was like an older version of Lizzy. It was creepy how much Lizzy looked like her, even more creepy when we figured out what the meant."

James and Carlos were staring at us, both of them horrified and shocked. "You think she was her mother?" James whispered.

We nodded. There was no doubt about that, unless Lizzy's biological mother had a twin sister, but that was too unlikely. "I think she somehow figured out Lizzy was coming to that school today. I don't think she already worked there and found Lizzy by accident. Not after you got that letter," I thought aloud. "I just don't know how she found out."

Logan laughed fruitlessly. "Kendall, we were famous. One picture of James, Carlos and Lizzy is enough for the biological parents to find their daughter. It's also easy to find out where we live; if the mother is a teacher at that school, she just searches in the school files for a kid with Diamond as a last name."

"Yeah, but why would she pick that school to try and find Lizzy?"

"Because it's a pretty prestigious school, all children with famous or rich parents go their. It was an easy guess," I said. Everything was getting clear now.

"So that bitch found Lizzy?" James asked coldly. "Then we've to prove to that people from CPS tonight we don't abuse Lizzy."

"Tonight?" I asked, "How are we gonna make a plan that quick?"

"We've no choice, Kendall," Carlos told me, "They come tonight to check out our situation and ask questions about us."

I nodded, still confused. I looked up at Logan, "Can you explain to me how all this is going to happen?"

"It depends on who warns Child Protective Services. At the moment, they think you did it and you are Lizzy's godfather. Warning from someone that close to the child are taken very seriously. They were warned by letter, which means the child is not in direct danger or you would've called them."

I nodded, glancing at my friends to see they were listening closely too. Logan continued, "Warnings about child abuse are taken very seriously, no matter who or how they got to know about the abuse. They'll want to make sure all adults in Lizzy's direct environment won't hurt her, before an investigation is closed. In this case they'll look at James and Carlos first, then you, me, your mother, Bitters and Katie and Dak. At last Lizzy and Kegan's teacher and a doctor she might've gone to in the last half year."

"And tonight?" Carlos asked.

"Tonight they'll look at your situation at that moment. If they think Lizzy is in direct danger, they'll take her and bring her somewhere safe. Often to family, so maybe she'll stay with mama Knight at the Palm Woods. If it goes well, they won't immediately close the case. First they'll want to investigate the adults I mentioned before. Sometimes the person who warned CPS is right about the abuse, but thinks the wrong people did it. Lizzy will stay with you, but they'll check up on her every day until they are sure nothing is going on."

Carlos and James both seemed to be relieved, I was too. They didn't hurt Lizzy, so she was going to stay with them under the supervision of a social worker, but it was better than not having Lizzy with them. But Logan wasn't done yet. "The two of you will have to explain them Lizzy is adopted. I don't know if Lizzy asked you two about that yet, but you might have to explain it to her when the people from CPS are gone. What you also have to do, and that will be tricky, is explain to the social workers how she got the scary on her stomach. You didn't do it, I know that, but they weren't there when you guys found Lizzy. The two of you have to prove to them you didn't do it."

"We've pictures of the day we adopted her," James said. "You can see on them the burn is more than a day old. And if we did it, Carlos and I would make sure to cover the wound before making the picture, right?"

Logan nodded, thinking deeply. "That is something. If you really want to convince them you didn't do it, the best thing you can do is give them the number of the doctor that treated Lizzy's burn."

"And what was his name again?" James asked. "He was Kegan's doctor too, right?"

"He's also my OB/GYN," Logan muttered embarrassed. "His name is Dr. Young."

"Do I want to know what that term means?" Carlos asked.

"No, probably not," Logan said quickly. "I've his number for you." He took out his phone and searched in contacts for the number of the doctor.

James looked at me, his eyebrows raised questionable. He signed to Logan with his eyes before looking back at me; he wanted to know what OB/GYN meant. I put my hands in front of me, forming a circle that looked like I was holding my invisible, non-existing baby bump. James grinned and nodded in understanding.

I got a slap against the back of my head from Logan. "It's not funny," He said sternly, before getting up to give Carlos his phone so he could safe the number in his own phone. Logan was about to sit back on the arm rest, but I pulled him into my lap and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"It was a little funny," I whispered in his ear and kissed his neck.

"No, it wasn't," He muttered. "I don't exactly like it I've to go to a doctor meant for females."

"It's not a doctor meant for females, sweetie. Only a doctor for organs that can produce babies."

He chuckled and shook his head a little. "I guess you can look at it that way too." He leaned against me, wrapping his arm around my neck. It felt good to have him close.

On the couch Carlos was sitting closer to James, who had his arm around the Latino's waist. They were talking together quietly, but stopped when they noticed we were looking at them. "Do you want us to be there tonight?" I asked, "Then we can explain it wasn't me who sent them that letter."

"I already expected you are going to be there," Carlos said honestly.

"Okay," I said.

"Did you ask Lizzy what the woman was talking with her about?" James asked, "I would really like to know that."

"Huh, I didn't even think of that," Logan said surprised. "Do you want me to get her?"

James nodded. "Yes, please."

I reluctantly let go of him so he could go upstairs to get our godchild. It didn't take long before we could hear the both of them coming down. Once here, Logan sat in my lap again and Lizzy stood in front of her parents. Carlos leaned forward slight and held her hands. "We want to ask you something, sweetie, and it's important that you tell the truth, okay?" He asked her.

She nodded and I saw Carlos smiling. "You're not in trouble, Lizzle. We just want to know some things."

"'Kay," She said.

"Do you remember the lady you were talking to at school before you went home with Kendall and Logan?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember what she told you? Or something else she said?" Carlos asked hopefully.

Lizzy frowned, thinking deeply, but then her face cleared up. "She was real nice, daddy. I was lost, but she bringed me back to the classroom and asked what my name was and if I was fine. And she asked about my sister, but I don't have a sis. I told her that and then she was sully doing odd. Then they found me," Lizzy told us.

"Are you sure that was everything, Lizzy?" James asked.

She nodded, big blue eyes wide. "Alright then, go play upstairs again."

Lizzy grinned and ran off, happy she could go play again. We waited until she was upstairs before talking again. "Sister?" Carlos asked confused. "What did she mean by that?"

"Obviously, the mother thought Lizzy has a sister," I stated.

Carlos wasn't convinced. "Yeah, but we only have Lizzy, how can she possibly have a sister?"

Logan leaned over and grabbed the letter from the coffee table. "I thought it was just a mistake, a letter to much," He muttered, his eyes once again roaming over the text until he found what he was looking for. "The letter says daughters," He told us, he showed it to me first, before giving the letter to James and pointing out the word. "Maybe it isn't a mistake like I thought, maybe they really think Lizzy has a sister."

James and Carlos stared at each other for a while. "The biological parents, or mother, says there is a sister..."

"Then there most likely is a sister," James said stunned, finishing Carlos' sentence.

"Well, there is an interesting turn," I said.

"Dude! We're being serious here!" Carlos exclaimed. "We've to find the sister before the parents do. They obviously want their children back or we wouldn't get a letter like that. Now they know we don't have both of them and they'll go search for Lizzy's sister!"

I was flabbergasted. Since when was Carlos that smart and why didn't I think of that myself? If the letter wasn't from me, than it was obviously from the parents or only the mother, we'd no idea if the father was involved. If that girl wasn't adopted yet, like Lizzy, it was too easy for the parents to get the sister back. But that wouldn't be good, looking at what the parents did to their daughters. "Oh."

"Yes, oh. Now, how are we going to do that?" Carlos asked determined. Then he thought of something. "We want Lizzy's sister, right?" He asked James.

James wasn't looking at Carlos, but instead looking down at the floor. "James? You're not telling me you don't want to try to find the other girl, are you?"

"What? No, I want to. Of course I want to," He said as if it was obvious. "I was just thinking about tonight."

"Okay." Carlos turned to Logan. "How are we supposed to find a four year old girl we don't know anything about, assuming she's born on the same day as Lizzy?"

"I could look in the database of the hospital. There is a network has a registration of every child that is ever found in California. We know the date of birth, that's something I can work with, and we're probably looking for a girl with a burn, that should bring the number down enough to find her."

"Anything we can do?" He asked hopeful.

"Besides hoping I find a link? You could hire a detective, but if you want to keep your search for Lizzy's sister a secret, you better not do that unless you want the whole world to know."

Carlos nodded, but again James seemed to be awfully reluctant. I wondered what his problem was, but maybe Carlos should find out about that himself. We talked for about an hour longer, working out every single scenario of tonight's visit of the Child Protective Services. It was five pm when we realized we only had on hour to get ready, before they would come.

We'd decided all of us would eat at James' and Carlos' house in expectation of the social workers that would come by. Logan and I cooked while James and Carlos cleaned up their house a bit and put the photo album ready. They were both nervous, neither of them knowing what to expect. If everything went horribly wrong, they might even loose Lizzy tonight. It wasn't likely, but it could happen.

Logan had just set the table for seven, when Carlos came in, looking extremely nervous. He was wearing a clean shirt and had his hair all fixed up. I felt sorry for him and got nervous myself. I didn't want to loose Lizzy either.

"Where's James?" He asked me anxiously.

"In the living room."

He nodded and quickly went over there, seeking comfort only a lover could provide. Logan came up next to me, looking up at me pitifully. "I don't want to loose Lizzy."

"Me neither, Logie."

"I'm going to search for that girl as soon as I can. Wanna come with me?"

"Is that possible?" I asked, hoping it was and I could stay with Logan. When he told James and Carlos he was going to search in the archive of the hospital I was already freaking out in my head. I didn't want to be alone until I really had to. I wanted to be with my Logie.

"Yeah, I can arrange that. As long as you stay away from the computers, you're not allowed to even look at the screen, but as long as you stay on the other side of the desk I don't see why you can't be there."

"I'll stay away from the computer as long as you're in the same room as I am."

"I know, baby, that's why I asked you to come," He said, taking my chin in his hand and pulling me down for a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too, Logie," I whispered, hugging him tightly. Logan let me, rubbing my back. He pulled away when James and Carlos came back, neither of them looking very happy.

"Let's sit down," Logan said, softly pushing me towards the table. James and Carlos sat on one side of the table, Lizzy between them. Logan and I sat across from each other on the ends of the table and Keira and Kegan shared the other long side. The four adults were quiet during dinner, we just ate and answered the occasional question from one of the children.

Carlos was constantly looking at the clock, while James was trying his best to move as much food around on his plate without eating any of it. The last time they were this nervous was the day they adopted Lizzy and in some way that day was exactly the same. Back then they also feared losing her.

We were only halfway dinner when there was a knock on the door. All three children looked up curiously, it didn't happen that often someone was showing up this late at night. James shared a look with Carlos before getting up and going into the hallway to open the door.  
>We listened how James introduced himself and asked her nicely to come in. At the same time I heard Logan sighing in relieve, which was weird in the current situation. I heard more talking and ten seconds later James came in with a lady in her late forties. "Hey Maggie," Logan said happily.<p>

The woman named Maggie looked up, surprised. "Hey, Logan! What are you doing here?"

"Having dinner with my best friends," He said smoothly.

"Oh, really? Than you probably know why I'm here."

"I do. But I'm afraid there has been a misunderstanding. Me and my husband are the godfathers of Lizzy, but neither of us sent you that letter. It's fake." He got up and grabbed the envelope and my passport from the counter to show them to her. "You see? That's not Kendall's signature on the letter."

I glanced at James and Carlos, who were both watching with fear and interest. If Logan knew the lady, this might not end too bad. Lizzy seemed to be really confused, her name was said, she knew this was about her now.

"Papa?" Keira whispered, leaning closer to me. "Who's that lady?"

"Someone that wants to watch us for an evening."

"Why?"

"Because she thinks something is going on, but you don't have to know what."

"That changes thing," Maggie said thoughtfully, "But I'm afraid this isn't something I can ignore. It might come from another close family member that is afraid to step up. Mr. Diamond, where is your other daughter?"

There it was again. The person that told CPS about James and Carlos thought they had another child, but they didn't. It proved that this person didn't know anything about my friends. They simply assumed there was another girl. This couldn't be people that had a tight bond with James and Carlos. Lizzy's parents were the only ones who knew there was another girl, a sister, a twin sister perhaps.  
>"We only have one child, Mrs. White," James answered.<p>

"Are you sure, Mr. Diamond? If I find out you do have another child, you might loose both of them simply because you lied."

"We only have Lizzy," Carlos said, running his fingers through the blond girl's hair.

"I'm going to check that, if you don't mind," She told them. "Tonight I'm here to observe and talk to the parents. Maybe you too Logan, and your husband, if you don't mind."

"It's the reason why we're here, Maggie," Logan answered.

"Very well, then. Just pretend I'm not here." Mrs. White took a chair in the corner and took a notebook out of her bag.

"Kegan, what did you like most in school?" Logan asked calmly. He was the only one that was relaxed enough to get a normal conversation going. James and Carlos were too tense, Lizzy was still confused and looking up to her daddies for answers that wouldn't come. Keira was nervous, not because she was afraid of losing Lizzy, but simply because she was always shy around new people. Kegan was curious, but he was also very easy to distract, which was why Logan started talking to him.

"Playing outside!" He said happily. "They've real soccer goals at school and I played with the other boys and I scored three times!"

"Wow, that's very good, buddy. And what did you do when you had to play outside, Lizzy?"

"I played tag with girls I don't know."

Soon Logan got us all to talk again, like we always did. I was quite impressed, wondering when he stopped panicking under pressure. Most likely somewhere around the time he started his internship at the hospital. After dinner James and I cleared the table while Carlos and Logan took the children to the living room to watch a movie with them.

"I'm so glad Logan knows her," James said softly when we were putting plates and silverware away in the dishwasher.

"Me too, James. It might help a bit. If she knows Logan, she knows we're definitely not bad people.

"Kendall, what happens after this ends? Carlos wants to look for Lizzy's sister, but what if something happens that causes us to loose Lizzy. I want to search for the other girl too, but if I had to choose I rather had one of them then none of them."

"But what if you can have both of them? Maybe it won't end bad, maybe you and Carlos find the other girl and she can come live with you?"

"What if something happens? She might be already adopted, maybe when her adoption parents find out she has a sister they want to take Lizzy from us?"

"Deal with that when it comes, it's no use to start thinking about these kind of things, you'll only get scared. You might not even find the other child or she lives with people in Europe or Asia. You don't know until you start looking."

"Yeah, maybe... Yeah, that's a good idea, I guess."

"Of course it's a good idea, it's my idea," I said cockily.

James rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Sure, Kendall. Keep thinking that."

"I will. Let's go to the living room and make sure the lady sees we're awesome fathers."

He nodded and went ahead of me to the living room. Carlos was sitting on the couch with Kegan in his lap and they were talking about soccer. I quickly found out why Kegan wasn't watching the movie; it was a Barbie movie. Keira and Lizzy were watching breathlessly, both of them sitting really close to the TV.

I sat next to Logan and kissed his cheek. Mrs. White was sitting in a corner again, making some notes. James was relaxing more now and seemed to have realized that he didn't have to fear anything. He sat on the ground between the girls and quietly asked them what the movie was about, they told him and he nodded seriously before intently watching the movie with them.

About twenty minutes later Mrs. White got up and started walking around. She didn't open any doors, but seemed to look at how safe it was here for a child. She looked relieved when she was done. "I would like to speak with you, Mr. Diamond. Get a feeling of what a normal day looks like."

James and Carlos exchanged a look before James got up and took Mrs. White back into the kitchen. I turned to Logan for more explanation. "She going to ask questions to all of us," He said quietly. "She wants to see if our answers match or if one of us answers differently from the others. It's an easy way to find a possible child abuser."

"What kind of questions?" I asked worriedly.

"Exactly like she said, about things we do on a normal day. Our jobs, the school they're going to, what we give them to eat, dangerous hobbies we might have, involvement of other family members. Not something we have to worry about, just answer honestly and everything will be fine."

I nodded and kissed his cheek as a thank you. He leaned into me and pulled my arm around his waist, holding my hand on his belly. Ten minutes later James came back, not looking really worried. He went up to Carlos and lifted Kegan out of his lap onto the ground. "It's your turn."

Carlos nodded nervously and got up. James kissed him and said something in his ear that apparently made him feel better, he walked to the kitchen and James took his spot on the couch. Kegan came up to us and climbed into Logan's lap, leaning back against his chest, yawning. "Are you tired?" Logan asked him.

Kegan nodded. "Can we go home, papa?"

"Not yet, baby. We've to wait until the lady goes, but we could go upstairs fill the tub and put the you and the girls in it. Would you like that?"

He nodded again. "Can you come in the tub too?" He asked Logan.

Logan chuckled. "That's not going to fit, maybe another time, Kegie."

"'Kay."

Logan got up, holding Kegan on his arm. James had apparently been listening and got up too, going over to the girls and swinging both of them over his shoulders. They squealed when they were suddenly picked up. "I'm kidnapping you," He said with an evil laugh. "I'm going to put you in bath!"

Lizzy and Keira giggled and James carried them up to the bathroom like this, Logan following with Kegan and I went last. Once in the bathroom, James turned on the water and started to help Lizzy to get out of her clothes, Logan helped Kegan and Keira did it herself, since she was a big girl now. When they were all naked we put them into the tub together, Keira and Lizzy on the sides and Kegan in the middle, which probably wasn't going to end well. So James, Logan and I stayed in the bathroom to keep an eye on them.

The first time we put them in bath together we didn't stay with them, and it ended in a disaster. Okay, that was not true, but it did not go well. They started fighting because all of them wanted to play with some kind of toy. Kegan pulled at Keira's hair and she started crying, Lizzy kicked him in the side, which made him cry and Keira ended up biting in Lizzy's foot, and then they were all crying and didn't want to play with each other for the rest of the day.

But now they played together nicely, pretending to be ship wreckers on an island and James was the evil pirate that wanted to hurt them. It was good for him too, because now James wasn't thinking and worrying about Carlos who was still talking with Mrs. White. I sat on the closed toilet lit and Logan took a seat on my legs, his arm around my shoulders. "Do you still want to go through with tonight's plan?" He asked softly.

It took me a minute to remember what he was talking about, since my mind was full with our current situation, but then I remembered; I was going to bottom tonight. I nodded slowly. "I still want to, but I think it'll depend on how tonight ends. I don't think we'll be in the mood if Mrs. White takes Lizzy away."

"That won't happen, Kendall," He said confidently, glancing at James. Our friend was still playing with the children, but I couldn't tell if he was also listening to us or not. Logan continued, softer this time. "Maggie is the person I call when I suspect child abuse at the hospital, unfortunately it occurs more often than I originally thought. She's really good, sees if something is going on in one minute. And nothing is going on here, what she's doing now it just a routine. At least, that's what I think. I can be wrong, of course."

"Then I think we'll do what we've planned for tonight."

"What did you plan for tonight?" James asked curiously and turned to us.

"You only hear what you want to hear, don't you?" Logan asked amused.

"Probably. What's gonna happen tonight?"

"Don't you have to play a pirate?" I asked.

"No, they killed me. Don't change the subject."

"It's none of your business," I said, trying to hold back my blush.

James looked at Logan, eyebrows raised, but Logan shook his head. "Not going to tell you if he doesn't want you to know."

James rolled his eyes. "You're no fun."

Logan smirked. "I'll be having fun tonight."

"Shut up," I told him.

James didn't get the hint though and looked really confused, then he decided he didn't care enough to ask more and changed the subject. "Why does it take so long for Carlos to get up here," He wondered.

"Relax, James. He'll be here in a minute," Logan said.

He nodded and turned around when Lizzy splashed water at him. "You did not just do that, Lizzle!"

She giggled and did it again, which distracted James from Carlos again. Logan kissed my cheek and leaned further into me while we waited for Carlos. Not even a minute later he came in, looking relieved. "Your turn, Kendall," He said and went to sit next to James on the ground. I nodded and got up, kissing Logan's forehead before going down to the kitchen.

"Hello, Mr. Knight, take a seat," Mrs. White said with a smile.

"You can say Kendall," I told her, giving her a smile too.

"Alright, Kendall. I'm going to ask you some questions and I hope you'll give me honest answers."

"I will."

"Good. According to your friends' you and your husband were there when they found Lizzy in the hospital, can you confirm that?"

"We were there," I said. "The day before I went to the hospital with Logan, because he had to get an emergency c-section. James and Carlos were watching our daughter at home and came later the same day. They stayed with me for a while, but went home at night with my daughter after they saw my son. The following day they came back and sat with me and Logan in a room where our son was. The nurse brought Lizzy in and I remembered she cried a lot, because of the large burn she had on her stomach. It was not a pretty sight. James got curious and asked the nurse about her parents, but she turned out not to have any. James and Carlos talked for a while in the hallway, but five minutes later they came back, announcing they wanted to adopt her."

She nodded, writing something down in her note book. "Thank you. They also told me you're the one that watched Lizzy during the day, when James and Carlos were working. Did you ever noticed anything strange about Lizzy?"

"Never," I said immediately. "At least one time a week, I put Lizzy and Kegan, my son, together in bath because they got dirty when they were playing outside. Apart from the bruises and other injuries she got from little accidents all children have, nothing was wrong with her."

"Can you describe what you mean with 'little accidents'?"

"Well, children fall when they run around all day. Sometimes they bumped their heads against the table, but as far as I know, the only one who ever broke something was my daughter Keira when she tumbled down the stairs, she stepped on her blanket."

Mrs. White nodded again. "And days like this, that you're all together, does that happen often?"

"All the time. I think I can count the days we didn't eat together on my hands. James, Carlos, Logan and I have been friends all our lives and I don't see that changing anytime soon."

She studied me for a minute, her expression getting more serious. "The letter," She said, "Did it come from you? Or was it true what Logan said and did it come from someone else?"

"I don't know who told you something was going on with Lizzy, but I do know it wasn't me. I would never do something like this to my friends."

"Try to look at this from my point of view. What I see is a tight group of friends, four men that grew up together and went through a lot to get what you have at this moment. There are probably secrets you share amongst each other and promised not to tell anyone ever. I understand that puts a certain pressure on you to lie if you did contact us; if James and Carlos find out you did tell us you might loose their friendship forever. But I can help with that, you've the right to stay anonymous and I've to keep your identity a secret at all times. I won't even tell your husband. This is child abuse we're talking about, Kendall. It's a very serious crime. I understand you don't want to loose your friends, but please tell me the truth. For Lizzy."

I stared at her, for the first time thinking about how our friendship might look to an outsider. I understood what she meant, if I had to investigate a case like this that is what I would think too. "I promise you nothing is going on," I said softly. "James and Carlos have been wanting a child for so long and they were so happy when they got Lizzy. They would never hurt Lizzy, they're too afraid to loose her."

"Alright." She smiled at me. "I think I believe you. But then we come to the other question; if you didn't warn us, who did?"

I hesitated a moment, but then decided it was better to stay honest. If Mrs. White found out later on I didn't tell her about the lady at school, she might change her mind about me and this whole thing would start over again. It was better to tell the truth, for Lizzy. "Today Logan and I went to get the children from school. It was Kegan's and Lizzy's first day of kindergarten and Keira's second year of kindergarten. Keira and Kegan were waiting outside for us, but just before school was out, Lizzy went to the bathroom and she was still inside. Logan, the children and I went inside to search for her. We found her in the company of a woman that could've been an older version of Lizzy. We think it was her biological mother and I think she wrote the letter, I don't know if the father is involved."

She nodded seriously. "I'll definitely search for her. Do you know if she works at the school your children go to?"

"No. I think she does, though. We talked about it today, the four of us, and we think she started to work there because she knew James and Carlos adopted Lizzy. I've been bringing Keira there every morning for the past year and it couldn't be hard to figure out that if Keira went to school there, Lizzy would go there too."

"That is a possibility." She wrote something down again, before looking up. "Last question for today; do you know anything about Lizzy's sister?"

"No," I said honestly. "We only found one girl in the hospital; Lizzy. The nurse that told us Lizzy's story didn't say one word about another baby. I do know we're going to look for the sister."

"Do you maybe remember the name of the nurse?" She asked urgently.

I smiled sadly. "She took care of my son for a month, but I constantly forgot to ask her name. I never knew it. I do know she worked with Logan's doctor; Dr. Young, and that she worked in the NICU around the time of Kegan's birth, March 3th 2007."

"Thank you, Kendall. Could you please ask Logan to come down?"

I nodded and went back upstairs, thinking about the talk I just had. It went well, differently than I'd imagined, but it ended good. James, Carlos and Logan were drying the children with a bunch of towels and looked up when I came in. "My turn?" Logan guessed.

"Yup."

He got up, leaving Keira shivering in her thin towel and walked outside, kissing my cheek when he passed me. I went up to my daughter and started rubbing her dry with the towel. I noticed James and Carlos were both aching to ask me how it went, but they couldn't because the kids were still here and they didn't want to worry them. "Why does the lady want to talk to you?" Keira asked curiously.

"Nothing special, Keke. She wants to know if we're all doing well."

"Why?"

"It's for a research about healthy food."

"Oh." That was enough explanation for her, or she was just too tired to ask any more. I finished drying her and dressed her while she leaned against me. Keira was really tired, her eyes were drooping. Kegan was half asleep on Carlos' shoulder and James had to hold Lizzy to prevent her from falling over. I decided it was time to bring them home. I said goodbye to James and Carlos and picked my babies up, before going downstairs. I heard voices coming from the kitchen and went over to tell Logan I was going home. "Sorry to interrupt," I apologized. "Logan, I'm going to get them to bed, it's getting late."

"Okay. I'll be home soon too."

I nodded at Mrs. White and then walked away, eager to get home. I carried Keira and Kegan all the way to their bedrooms and put Kegan in bed first, because he was already asleep. I went with Keira to her bedroom and helped her in her pajamas, before I put her in bed. She fell asleep almost right away. I went back to Kegan and changed him into pj's too without waking him up and then went downstairs to put the last dishes from that day into the dishwasher and turned it on. Logan came back just when I was done.

"Hey," He said. "Are they sleeping?"

I nodded, sitting down at the table. Logan came over and sat in my lap again, wrapping his arms around my neck. "Today was long."

"Yeah, it was," He admitted. "But it turned out okay."

"Mrs. White didn't take Lizzy?"

"No. She was convinced neither of us hurt her. It's not over yet, though."

"I know," I said sadly. "But at least we get to keep Lizzy."

Logan smiled and kissed me gently. I kissed back, remembering how much I liked it that after a long, eventful day I got to fall asleep with Logan and everything would feel less serious, because I knew that as long as I had him everything would turn out fine. He pulled away to look in my eyes, he seemed to find the answer he was looking for in them, because he smiled and got off my lap. He took my hand and pulled me up too, before we walked upstairs together. After closing the door of our bedroom behind him he pushed me down on our bed and straddled me.

I put my hands on his hips as he leaned in to kiss me again. I moved with him, a little less confident than normal. Logan softly ran his tongue over my bottom lip, wanting access. I opened up, gasping softly at the great feeling. Logan gripped the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. He kissed me softly, running his hands down my sides. He opened my jeans and pushed them down together with my boxers. I went for his shirt once I was naked, but Logan was quicker and beat me to it. He pushed me down onto the bed before kicking off his pants and boxers and climbing on top of me.

He instantly went for my lips, brushing his against mine, not exactly kissing yet but so much of what I wanted. I whined softly and wrapped y arms around his neck, pulling him down and forcing him to kiss me. I could feel the smile on his when he finally planted his lips on mine, moving them ever so tenderly.

After about three minutes of kissing, Logan began to slowly rock against me. Smiling again when he heard me moan in pleasure. It felt so good to grind against each other, especially when I thought of what was about to come. Logan moved his lips to my neck and began to softly lick and suck on my pulse point.

I moved one of my hands down his chest and stomach and took both of our erections in my hands. Logan gasped out and bit in my neck, which made me moan and increase the speed of my hand. A moment later I felt Logan's hand next to mine, he took a hold of my member and forced me to let go of it. He began stroking slowly, somehow it always felt better when he did it for me. I continued to stroke him at the same time.

Logan turned his head up and started kissing me again, this time he moved with a lot more force. I kissed him back, not sure if I like where this was heading, but then Logan brought it down again, turning the kiss into something soft and sweet I'd grown used to. I wasn't ready for anything dirty yet, I want Logan to love me.

"Ready?" He whispered after a minute of ten. I just nodded and opened my legs wider. Logan sat up between my legs and reached out over me to grab the lube. I remembered how amazing it felt earlier today and couldn't wait until I had his fingers inside of me again. I just hoped that the actual sex would be even better.

He coated his fingers in it and put the first two against my entrance. I closed my eyes, slowly breathing in and out and waiting until Logan fully inserted his finger. I moaned quietly when he moved it in and out of me. It still felt strange, not anything I was used to yet, but that could take years.

Logan pushed a second finger inside of me and when he started to scissor them it didn't hurt, probably because I was still stretched from earlier today. At a certain point he brushed over my prostate, sooner then I expected, and I moaned loudly, pushing myself down on his hand. Logan smiled and did it again. "L-logie, s-stop," I breathed, not wanting this to end as quick as the first time.

He nodded and cautiously pulled his fingers out, before leaning forward and kissing me softly. "Are you sure?" He asked, getting up on his elbows to look in my eyes.

"Yes," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck to keep him close, even though Logan seemed to have no intentions of looking away from me.

"Kendall, maybe you should lie on your stomach. It'll hurt less that way," He said softly.

Lying on my stomach? Facing away from Logan? I didn't want that. I wanted to look in his eyes and feel close to him. Didn't he want to see me? Why not? I wanted to stay on my back and feel Logan's hands on my face if it hurt. I wanted kisses and pressing our bodies together and hold onto Logan until I died.

"Kendall," He whispered shocked and cupped my face. "You don't have to. If you want to lie on your back, I'm more than okay with that." He leaned forward and kissed my cheeks, I felt the wetness disappear and realized I'd been crying. "Want me to look at you when we make love?" He whispered.

I nodded and let out a sob. Why was I being such a child? "I will, baby. Everything you want." He kissed my last tears away and pressed a last loving kiss on my lips, before leaning up a bit. The next moment I felt Logan's member pressing against my entrance, slowly pushing in. I tightened my hold on Logan, tensing up at the feeling of something going in the wrong way.

Logan paused and looked at me concerned. "You have to relax, baby. I'm not going to hurt you, okay?"

I nodded, but it took a few minutes before I was truly relaxing again. He slowly pushed into me, stopping every millimeter to see if I was still okay. He never looked away from me. And it didn't hurt, exactly liked Logan said. It was strange and unusual, but he didn't hurt me. Logan was biting his lip and I remembered how I felt the first time we'd sex, how good it felt and how hard it was to not just start thrusting mercilessly. But he controlled himself and waited patiently until I would give the okay.

I nodded and smiled at Logan. He smiled back and kissed me softly, I just lost myself in it when Logan started moving. Slow rolls of his hips, only stroking in and out of me tiny bits, all the while continuing to kiss me. I gasped when I felt him striking my spot. "Logie," I whimpered.

He looked up, his eyes twinkling happily. I smiled at him, but it quickly turned into a moan when he brushed over my spot again. "D-don't tease m-me," I stuttered. He grinned and kissed me again. I loved how light headed I felt while Logan thrust into me. It was almost like I was drunk or high. It was great to bottom.

I'd no idea how Logan managed to turn this from something I was so scared for into something light and pleasurable like this, but he did and it felt so good. It was exactly what I needed, not at all like I imagined. I always thought it would be emotional and passionate. This was emotional and passionate too, but not the heavy kind. It was the light kind, the one that made you want to laugh.

And that was exactly what Logan was doing; laughing. Maybe not aloud or even with a smile, but his eyes said enough. He was happy and that made me happy. It had been a long time since the last time the only feeling he had was happiness. Most of the time there was another emotion next to it, but not now.

He movements slowed down as he came closer to the edge and he wrapped his hand around me, making me moan. He stroked me slowly, in time with his thrusts and kissed me gently. "So close," I whispered, hoping he took the hint and would jerk me off faster.

I put my hands on his sides and pulled him down until our stomachs were touching and I was able to kiss him again. It was a sloppy kiss, but neither of us cared as we were both so close. Two more thrusts and we were done. Logan collapsed on top of me, not caring he fell right in my mess. "I love you," He muttered and kissed my neck.

"I love you too, sweetie."

For a while we just laid there and did nothing, but eventually Logan got up and kissed my cheek. I hissed when he pulled out of me, I was a bit tender down there and Logan looked at me guiltily. "Sorry."

"It's okay, Logie." He smiled again and went to our bathroom to get a wash cloth. He came back and gently cleaned me up, threw the wash cloth in the hamper and crawled next to me in bed, for once not caring we were sleeping naked while there was a change a child could walk in. We would deal with it then.

He snuggled his head into my chest and put his arm tightly around my waist, giggling softly when I bit his ear and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. "Was that what you wanted?" He asked hopeful.

"Yeah, definitely," I told him. "Liked it?"

"It was strange," He said thoughtful. "I'm not sure what I like better yet."

"Well, until you know we can just continue to do both."

"That'll definitely be fun. Why didn't you tell me it was so much work to be a top? I'm aching all over," He complained.

"Maybe it's just you. After all you cried in pain the first time we made love and now you're hurting again, but I never said anything. You're a cry baby."

"That's so not true. Okay, maybe. But I'm different from you."

"Yeah, you're a cry baby and I'm not."

"Kendall!" He whined. "I'm not a baby."

"No," I cooed, "You're my baby."

Logan was quiet for a minute. "You're cheesy."

"You love it."

"I do," He admitted and kissed my chest. "Are we gonna sleep now? We've to get up early and you're gonna me sore tomorrow."

"How sore?" I asked fearfully.

"Really sore," Logan said evilly.

"You're evil."

"Yup."

"I'm gonna make you regret it tomorrow night."

"Who says I'm bottoming tomorrow?"

"I'll make you, tie you to the bed if I have to."

Logan chuckled. "You don't have to, I'll bottom."

"Good," I muttered, nuzzling his head. "I love you."

"I love you too."

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><p><strong>Meh. A lot happened, but I'm not sure if I'm happy with it yet… Anyway, tell me what you think :)<strong>

**I'm sorry for not updating in so long, but a lot happened the past month. I had to make the toughest decision of my life and I'll hate myself for what I did forever, but if I didn't do it I had to give up on dancing. And I'm never giving up on that. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Dudes! You all need to check out my new story 'Maybe.' I've decided that it's really good and going to be even better in the future. I swear it's worth your while.**

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><p>I woke up around 5 in the morning and I had no idea why, but then I noticed Logan wasn't lying next to me anymore. I frowned and looked around, noticing the door of our bathroom was open and the light was on. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, freezing when I saw Logan sitting next to the toilet seat, throwing up badly. Logan promised not to do this. He promised to eat again, to gain weight. He wouldn't do this. He promised.<p>

I felt disappointed. I'd thought he really wanted to make it up to me, but I guess he was deeper in this shit than I'd thought. How long has he been doing this? Was this why he was barely gaining weight?

He stopped vomiting and leaned against the wall. He looked up and noticed me standing there. His eyes widened and he began to get up, only to fall down again and rub at his temple, "It's not what you think," He said, his voice hoarse, "I swear, Kendall, I'm not doing this on purpose. I-"

He pressed his hand against his mouth and turned back to the toilet. He bent over it and continued emptying his stomach. But now I understood what he meant, he was sick, not making himself throw up.

I went over and sat down next to him, softly rubbing his back until he was done. He continued heaving for another minute and then sat back on the ground. "I'm sorry, Kendall," He whispered.

"It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault." I grabbed some toilet paper to clean his mouth before pulling him against me. Logan rested his head on my chest and slowly breathed in and out. "Did you eat something wrong?"

"I don't think so," He whispered, simply because he couldn't make a louder noise. "I don't feel so good though."

I frowned and rubbed his back, not liking this one bit. Logan was supposed to gain weight, how was he going to do that when he was sick and puked everything out again. I quickly let go of him when Logan started squirming, he bent over the toilet again. I got up and got him some water, before sitting next to him again and rubbing his back until he finished.

We spent about an hour in the bathroom, before I was sure he wasn't going to puke anymore and we went back to bed. We only had two hours left before we had to get up. I laid back in bed and waiting until Logan was done with brushing his teeth. I smiled when he came back, opening my arms when he crawled next to me in bed. He put his head on my chest, pressing tightly against my side. "Are you feeling better now?" I asked softly.

He nodded, but didn't say anything. I gently rubbed his back until he fell asleep again. Logan had been acting strange for a while now, going to the bathroom more often and not liking certain smells, but never he seemed really sick to me. Until now.

I sighed, not liking the things that were going on at all. It was three weeks after we found out about the lady at school, but she still wasn't found. Apparently she didn't work there at all. The investigation of James, Carlos and Lizzy ended when no one turned out to be dangerous for Lizzy, something we knew all along. The four of us spent long hours talking about it and we still have no idea why the mother would do something like this when she knew nothing was going on.

Logan and I had been searching in the archive of the hospital for a while, but there seemed to be not a trace of a baby that looked like Lizzy, was born on the same day and had a burn. Logan got so desperate that he allowed me to help him search the archive, something that was strictly forbidden. Luckily he didn't get into any problems with it yet.

Then there was Katie's wedding. Next week my baby sister was going to marry Dak Zevon and like all celebrity marriages it was going to be big. Dak had a lot of money though and managed to get everything exactly like Katie wanted to have it. She had the dress she wanted, the location she dreamed of, the perfect flowers, the perfect guests, the perfect everything. Except one thing.

A long time ago, when I was at my deepest point in hell, Katie asked me, James and Carlos if she could use her two nieces as flower girls and Kegan as the ring bearer. We said yes, not thinking any of it. The girls would love it to wear pretty dresses and stand next to Katie in her white dress. Kegan probably wouldn't care and just do it, mostly because it was what Lizzy did and she was his friend.

But a week ago, things changed. I'd called Katie, wanting to know at what time we had to drop Keira and Kegan off to get them ready for the wedding and she told me some news I didn't like at all. Logan wasn't invited. Katie was completely honest about; she simply didn't want him at her wedding because in her eyes he did inexcusable things.

But she definitely still wanted Keira and Kegan to be there.

Not surprisingly, I got pissed and we had an argument on the phone that lasted two hours, but I didn't let her convince me. I gave her a choice; all four of us, or none of us. Until this day she kept thinking I'll give in and leave Logan at home so she could have her perfect wedding, with her perfect husband and their perfect little baby in her tummy. I was not happy.

I never told Logan about this. The wedding was coming Friday, but I continued to lie to him about, hoping Katie would give in soon and tell me he could come. He was actually pretty excited for it and couldn't wait to see some of our old Palm Woods friends and people from Minnesota. He spent a lot of time searching for the perfect wedding gift and hoped Katie would forgive him. I just wasn't able to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him.

I looked down at Logan and kissed his forehead, smiling when he moved his nose cutely. I hoped he would be able to come with us today, that he wasn't too sick to go outside. Kegan definitely wasn't going to like that, because today was his first soccer game. He'd been looking forward to this ever since he had his first soccer training two weeks ago and he was so excited.

Logan, Keira, Lizzy and I were all coming with him to the soccer field to watch him play. He was scared that it would be canceled because of the bad weather we'd had the past week, but as it looked now the weather was gonna be nice in the morning. Tonight was a different story though; there was coming a big storm. Not only outside, but inside as well; it was family dinner time at 2J. I had to deal with Katie today.

I sighed and turned onto my side, holding Logan against me. At least the first half of this day was going to be fun, knowing that helped a lot. Even though mom was warming up to Logan again, she tended to side with Katie, even more when it was about her wedding. I didn't really get it though, what did Logan do to Katie, Dak and mom to make them so mad at him? He hurt me, yes, but in the end that was still something I had to deal with and not them. If I trusted Logan, they didn't have anything to say. He made me happy and that was what should matter to them.

I should be happy with a family that looked out for me so well, but this was getting pretty annoying. I kissed Logan's forehead and closed my eyes, deciding I better sleep a little longer or I would be dead by noon. Logan didn't feel really feverish yet, but I definitely had to keep an eye on him.

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><p>Two hours later I put breakfast on the table for my hungry family, or rather, my hungry kids. Lizzy was here too, because James and Carlos had an appointment with people from James' agency. Logan didn't look all that hungry, but took a nutella sandwich anyway. He didn't throw up since early this morning, but he still looked a but pale. "Kegan, are you excited for the game?" He asked.<p>

"We're gonna win, daddy! I'm sure!" He said excitedly.

"Are you going to score?"

"Ten times!"

"Alright then, what are you-" Logan suddenly got up and ran away, his hand tightly over his mouth.

"Stay here," I commanded the children before quickly running after him. He'd reached the bathroom in time and was now hanging over the toilet, throwing up badly. I quickly went inside and locked the door behind me, not wanting one of the kids to come in and see this. I sat down on the floor besides him and rubbed his back.

It took a while before he leaned back. "Are you sure you're feeling well?" I asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine," He said, a little dazed.

"I don't know, sweetie, maybe it's better if you stay home. Throwing up two times in four hours is a lot."

"I'm not missing Kegan's first game, Kendall. I've missed too much already, if I get sick I'll deal with it then."

I sighed, realizing there was no way I could make him stay home. I wasn't happy with this though. "Promise to tell me when you're not feeling well."

"Promise," He said, "I'll be fine, Kendall."

I nodded and helped him back on his feet, he leaned into kiss me, but I pulled away. "I'm not kissing you until you rinsed your mouth," I explained when I saw the hurt look on his face. After he did that we went back into the kitchen and quickly finished breakfast, we were running late now, but there was no way Kegan was going to be late for his first soccer game. After the three of them were all buckled up in the back seat, Keira in the middle, we drove to the soccer field.

When we got there, Logan went with Kegan to the changing room and I took the girls to the play area near the field where Kegan was going to be playing his first official soccer game. I sat on a bench to keep an eye on them and wait for Logan and Kegan to come back.

I saw Kegan first, he ran up to me in his new red and black soccer uniform. He had number 4 on his stomach. "Look papa!" He said happily. "I'm number 4 and I'm four years!"

"You look really cool, Kegie." He grinned and climbed next to me on the bench. I picked him up and put him on my leg, but he started struggling and immediately jumped from my leg on the ground.

"No, papa," He whispered angrily. "I don't look big when I sit with you."

"Oh, yeah, I should've thought of that, I'm sorry, buddy."

He grinned and sat down next to me again, waving when he saw Logan looking around. Logan smiled when he saw us and came over, sitting on the other side of Kegan. "Hey, what were you doing?" I asked curiously.

"Talking to some of the parents that were in the dressing room too. They seemed nice."

I nodded and looked up when I saw little four year old boys running to the trainer. "It's time, Kegie," I said, pointing to the group of kids around the trainer and the other team that was already on the field. He quickly got up and ran towards them. I stood up too and grabbed Logan's hand, helping him on his legs too. "Girls were going to watch Kegan play, okay? We'll be over there by the field." Keira and Lizzy nodded and continued playing.

Logan was about to walk over to the field, but I pulled him back and leaned forward a bit, inhaling deeply. "Liar," I whispered. "You weren't talking."

"Fine. I got sick again, I just didn't want to worry you."

"Lying to me isn't going to make me worry less, Logan. Just be honest with me."

"I'm sorry," He whispered.

I sighed and put my arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "Don't lie to me anymore, okay? If you're sick or ill I want to help you."

He nodded and wrapped his arms around my waist. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby. Let's go look at Kegan now."

He slipped my his hand in mine, squeezing softly to tell me to go on. I led him towards the fence and leaned against it, wrapping my arm around Logan's waist to keep him close. We turned out to be just in time. The arbiter whistled and all little boys ran to the ball at the same time. One from Kegan's team managed to kick it away, towards the goal and all of them ran after it. It was so funny to see.

About a minute or ten into the match that would last thirty minutes Kegan got the ball. He gave the ball a real hard kick straight into the goal. Logan cheered and clapped for him. "Wow, Kegan!"

Our son grinned widely at us and waved a little before he started running around again. It was so much fun to watch him play. His little face all serious when he was concentrating, beaming when someone of his team made a goal and pouting when the other team did. Luckily Kegan's team was better and made more goals.

Logan was really enthusiastic too, cheering Kegan and his team on, groaning when the other team stole the ball. It was adorable and I didn't know what I liked to watch more; him or Kegan. I kissed his temple, but over his head I saw other parents glaring at us. Logan didn't notice, he looked up at me and softly kissed my lips before going back to watching the game.

The couples that were also watching were looking at us again, pointing and mumbling, mostly the men. I decided to ignore it, but went to stand at Logan's other side to hide him behind me. He looked at me confused, but I just smiled and put my arm around his waist again.

Kegan scored another time just before the whistle sounded and he started cheering along with the other boys on his team. Logan grinned at me, also happy Kegan won his first soccer game and we waited patiently until Kegan would come over. The trainer had a little word with them, before sending the boys back to their parents.

He ran up to us and Logan picked him up, not minding Kegan was dirty. "Daddy, we won!"

"Yeah, I saw! You did so well, baby."

"I scored two times! Did you see that? I was really good!"

"You were, buddy. We're so proud of you."

Kegan beamed and Logan kissed his cheek. "Lets go clean you up and then we'll go to grandma, you can tell her all about it."

"'Kay," Kegan said. I kissed his forehead and smiled when I saw how happy he was. Logan put him back on the ground and the two of them started walking to the changing rooms, Kegan waved at me before going inside. I decided to check up on Keira and Lizzy, but when I was half way someone stopped me.

I turned around, already knowing what was coming now. Indeed it were two of the other fathers that came to watch their sons. The first was kinda tall, but almost as skinny as Logan was when he first came home after I kicked him out. He was wearing a suit and looked like a heartless business man. The other man was short, shorter than Logan, and had almost no hair. He was at least fifty years old, in my opinion way too old to have a four year old kid.

"We want to have a word with you," The tall man said, he looked like he was smelling something disgusting.

I rolled my eyes. "Go ahead."

"We, Mr. Vandekamp, myself and some of the other parents, don't want you to coach our children," He announced.

I acted surprised. "Oh? And why is that?"

"We don't want a fag anywhere near the boys," The short man told me.

"My sexual orientation is none of your business," I replied, trying to stay calm.

"Your right, it isn't. But we want a real man to train them, not a homo that goes easy on them."

I started laughing. "I'm not a real man? You're not serious, right? If you don't want me to train them, who's gonna do it? One of those lawyers or doctors or business men? I'm sure they'll do so much better than me," I said sarcastically.

"Listen up, Mister...?"

"Knight. Kendall Knight."

I saw the realization in the eyes of the shorter man, he probably knew about BTR. "Mr. Knight. I'm going to gather some signatures from the other parents and you're going to hear more of me."

"Do what you want. Excuse me, I've to go to my family now." Over the shoulders of the tall man I'd seen Logan and Kegan coming back and I cursed myself inwardly. I'd hoped I didn't have to tell Logan about this, but now he'd seen me and looked worried. He stopped Kegan when he wanted to come over here and distracted him.

I walked past the two man towards Logan and Kegan. I felt more eyes on me, but I ignored them all and picked Kegan up when I could. He didn't expect it and squealed, making me laugh. "Wanna sit on my shoulders?"

"Yes!"

I lifted him up higher and put him on my neck, holding him by his feet. "Don't pull my hair, or I put you down again," I told him.

He petted my head. "Okay, papa."

"Let's get the girls and go to the Palm Woods." Logan nodded, giving me a look that told me he wasn't going to forget about this and ask me about it later.

People continued to look at us, but like me Logan ignored them and listened to Kegan talking about soccer. Keira and Lizzy came over when they saw us and Logan grabbed their hands. Kegan started telling the girls about the times he scored while we walked to the car. Logan and I helped them in and then we were on our way to the Palm Woods.

I didn't like this at all. Nothing was wrong with me, then why didn't they let me train the boys? I was good with children, I was sure they all liked me. Kegan loved it I was his coach, he wasn't going to like it if I told him I couldn't do it anymore. And like I said, I was the only one who signed up for coach. If they presented someone else it was a whole different story, but until they found someone I was the only one who could do it.

Logan took my hand and held it in both of his, softly rubbing it with his thumbs. I smiled at him and squeezed his hand as a thank you. Neither of us said anything unless one of the children asked something. I felt better now I had Logan close to me. It wasn't a long drive to the Palm Woods from the soccer field.

We let the children out, the three of them ran to the Palm Woods, all eager to see grandma. Logan and I followed closely, not wanting to loose sight of them. We got into an elevator and went up to 2J.

Mom opened quickly. "Hi, kids!" She said happily.

"Grandma I won! I scored two times!" Kegan cried.

"Oh, that's great, Kegan! Come, I made snicker doodles for my favorite grandchildren." She went back into the kitchen, the three children following eagerly, but Logan stopped me when I wanted to go in too.

He put his arms around my waist and rested his head on my chest. "What happened at the game?" He asked softly.

I sighed, wrapping my arms around him too. "Some fathers that didn't agree with me coaching their children because I'm married to a guy."

Logan looked up at me looking guilty. "I shouldn't have come to the game, if they didn't know they wouldn't have made a problem of it."

"I'm not hiding you, Logie. I'm to proud to have you and I want to show you off now that I finally have you again. I don't care what they think, the only thing I do care about is that group of boys I'm training, I want to keep doing that."

"You will. If their only argument your sexual orientation is they don't have anything to stand on. You're great with children and you like doing this, unless they come up with someone better you don't have anything to fear."

"That's what I thought," I muttered. "But I'm worried about what the parents are going to tell their children. I'm afraid they'll tell them all kinds of bad stuff about me and they don't like me anymore."

"That's such a low move, if they do that they're just not worth your time. Stay there. You like coaching the team and if parents have a problem with it let them go to another soccer club. They're not your problem."

"You're right." I smiled and kissed him. "Thank you."

He smiled back at me and rested his head back on my chest. It was strange, because he looked tired and it was only noon. I rubbed his back and put my chin on his head. "How are you feeling?"

"Dizzy," He muttered.

"Maybe you can lay down for a few hours in our old room. Mom kept it in its old state for Keira, Kegan and Lizzy to sleep in when they stayed the night here."

He nodded, but didn't let go of me yet and pressed tighter against me. "I love you," He whispered.

"I love you too, sweetie."

Logan turned his head up and kissed me softly, but pulled away when I wanted to deepen it. "Sorry," He said when he saw my hurt look. "I get even more dizzy when we kiss, trust me if I say I want to."

I nodded and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Ready to get inside?"

"Yeah."

I put my hand on his back and gently pushed him to the door and inside the apartment. Mom was sitting with the children at the table and was listening to their stories. She smiled at me when I came in and nodded shortly to Logan. I figured she still hadn't completely forgiven him.

"I'll be back in a minute," I told her before walking with Logan to our old bedroom. He sat on my old bed, I kneeled in front of him and helped him taking off his shoes and socks before opening his jeans and pulling them down his legs. He laid down and I sat on the edge of the bed. I pulled the sheets over his body and ran my fingers through his hair. "Are you good?"

He nodded, closing his eyes tiredly. I was a little worried, but he was probably going to be fine. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, before I got up and walked quietly out of the room. I closed the door behind me, waiting a minute in the hallway. It was strange, Logan's illness. It was so sudden and I'd no idea where it came from. I hoped it would pass soon.

I heard laughing and remembered why I was here again. Mom probably wasn't going to like it I put Logan in bed, but I would deal with that when it came. He needed the sleep, I wasn't going to let him get ever sicker. I walked back to the living room and saw the scene had changed. Keira, Kegan and Lizzy were in the living room, watching a movie and mom was in the kitchen. One look out of the window told me we were definitely going to have a storm soon. The sky was getting darker and thick, dark gray clouds were coming from the ocean.

I sighed and went up to my mother, knowing I didn't really have a choice and she was going to find a way to get me alone soon anyway. "Hi, mom."

"Hello, honey," She said and smiled at me. "Where is Logan?"

"He's not feeling well, I made him take a nap in our old room."

She frowned, her smile disappearing. "Why didn't you just leave him home?"

"Because he wants to go to all family dinners from now on, especially this one so close to Katie's wedding."

"She's not changing her mind about him, you know."

"Mom, if he's not invited, I'm not going either. Katie can do all she want then, but she's not getting Keira as flower girl or Kegan as ring bearer like she wanted. She can forget about it."

"Keira will be crushed when you deny her that."

"Which is why I never told her she was going to be flower girl."

Mom clenched her teeth. "Katie's your sister, Kendall. Why can't you give her a perfect wedding? Just make Logan stay home and we'll all have a great day."

"No way. I don't get why you don't forgive him, he's my husband and he's not going to leave me again. What did he do to you or Katie?"

"Hey, I don't mind Logan being here or at Katie's wedding. I just want her wedding to be as perfect for her as yours was to you, she deserves that much, doesn't she?"

"Oh, please. You still want to kill him for hurting me. And of course I want Katie to have a perfect wedding, but not if it means I have to leave Logan home."

"That's a bit selfish, don't you think?"

"No, she's selfish. She wants her niece and nephew to be at her wedding, but not the person that put them in this world? She could just look the other way and let him come, he's not going to hurt anyone."

"He'll hurt Katie. Did you forget she's pregnant, it's not good for the baby if she's stressed."

Pregnant.

Logan's nausea.

Puking in the morning.

Feeling dizzy.

What if it was true? Could it be? But that was impossible, ever since he was home we made love with a condom. Maybe it broke, that was what happened to get Kegan... Wait, that first night. That ridiculously intimate and romantic love scene on the couch, I wasn't wearing a condom then...

No. I was not going to get my hopes up. Never was I going to make Logan take a pregnancy test to see if he was expecting a baby. If it was negative everything would just start over again and I didn't want that. I chose Logan over another child every time and that wasn't going to change now. We were just getting closer again, I wasn't going to do anything that could ruin it. I never wanted to loose Logan again.

"I know she's pregnant, mom, and I know what it'll do to the baby. But it's not my fault she's holding grudges based on nothing. All of us or none of us, she can choose."

"Kendall, you're being ridiculous-"

"No, mom. You're asking me to choose my sister over my husband; that's ridiculous."

"No, it's not. Katie is family, Logan is-"

"Don't finish that sentence or we're leaving right now. Logan is just as much a part of this family as Katie is. He's my husband, the love of my life. Wouldn't you've picked dad over anyone else? Be honest."

"Don't talk about your father. He's not a good example."

"He died in a car crash, mom. He didn't leave us, it was an accident and you loved him. I don't see how that's any different."

"I would've picked you and Katie over your father."

"That's not what I asked. Of course children go first. I asked if you would pick anyone else over the person you love."

"Alright. I wouldn't, okay? I just don't get why you still love him."

"How can I not love Logan? Yes, he hurt me more than anyone ever did before, but that was only because I love him so much it physically hurt me not to have him close. He needs me, mom, and I liked being needed. He understands me in a way even you don't. He makes me happy and that is all that should matter to you."

"He left you to do everything on your own for six months, Kendall. Even longer, but before the internship it wasn't that bad. He ignored you and still you did everything for him. I just don't understand how you can love a person like that."

"Fine. If you have to know. Logan and I were trying to get pregnant. For two and a half years nothing happened. Then the internship came and Logan grabbed onto that chance with both hands, thinking the distraction was going to help him move on, help him realize we weren't going to have the third child we both wanted so bad. He was hurting, mom. That's why I forgave him. He had pain, did something incredibly stupid and regrets it. He deserves another chance."

Mom was quiet after that. I turned around and sat on the couch with my children, attempting to watch the movie with them, but my mind had other plans. Besides the fact I just fought with my mom, I also told her something very personal about my relationship with Logan that only James and Carlos knew, I found out Logan might be pregnant, but I wasn't allowed to think about that and Logan was still sick.

My day was going _so well_.

After about forty minutes of watching TV and just hanging around Lizzy suddenly climbed in my lap. "When's daddy coming?" She asked softly.

"They're coming really soon, baby."

"Why is daddy doin' strange?"

"Short daddy or tall daddy?" I asked her.

"Short daddy. He looks sad, did a person hurt my daddy?"

"No, sweetheart. Daddy's a little tired from working so hard, maybe you can make it better by really sweet to him."

She nodded and grinned widely, before climbing off my lap again and going off to find something she could play with. I smiled a little, it happened before that Lizzy would come to my for advice. I liked it, having a special bond with my godchild. I waited a minute, but then decided to check up on Logan.

Halfway I changed my route, going to the bathroom instead. I hoped mom still kept the thermometer and Advil there. Logan said he was just dizzy, but maybe he wasn't telling me the whole truth. After all, he wasn't pregnant, so it had to be something else. Maybe he was going down with the flu.

After I got the things I was looking for I went to my old room, finding Logan curled up under the blankets. He wasn't sleeping, because he rolled over when he heard the door open and smiled when he saw me. I sat on the edge again and ran my fingers over his cheek, getting worried when I felt how warm he was. "Hey, baby."

"Hey," He whispered and reached out for my hand on his cheek, he brought it to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back.

"I want to take your temperature, think you can sit up?"

Logan nodded, he grabbed my shoulder and used that to pull himself up. I wrapped my arm around his waist to help him sit and brought the thermometer to his mouth. "Open up, Logie."

He did and leaned against me while we waited for the beeping. It did ten minutes later and I took it out of his mouth. "102, you are so staying in bed," I told him strictly. I took the little box with Advil from the nightstand and opened it, popping one out of the package inside. "Here"

Logan swallowed it, but instead of lying down again he continued to lean against me. "Don't go yet?" He asked softly.

I nodded and Logan climbed into my lap, resting his head on my shoulder. "Do I have to worry?" I asked him. I felt him shaking his head, but I wasn't so sure about that yet. With a fever this high and the amount of throwing up he did today I thought I definitely had something to be concerned about.

I grabbed the blankets and put them around him, wanting to keep him warm. We sat like that for a while, just holding onto each other. After about ten minutes I felt Logan getting heavier and his breathing evening out. I gently put him back down on the bed and kissed his forehead. "I love you. Sleep tight, my Logie."

I went back into the living room. All three children where standing by the window looking outside in awe. The sky was even darker now, there was no blue to be seen, large gray clouds blocked the sun and brought a shadow over the city. The storm was coming.

Mom was standing in front of the TV, intently watching the news and probably waiting for them to say something about the weather. I quickly stood next to her, wanting to know what was going on too. She smiled at me sadly, a sign she was no longer mad, but quickly turned back when Ted Garcia started talking about the current weather.

"A strong wind is coming up from the west and we're going to have a lot of rain, maybe even hail. We're definitely going to have a storm, people in Los Angeles are strongly advised to stay inside and park their cars in a safe spot."

Mom turned the TV off and then looked at me. "Looks like you're staying here tonight," She said. "I'm going to call Katie and Dak to tell them not to come. Could you call James and Carlos?"

"Lizzy is here, mom. I don't think James and Carlos want to be apart from her now."

She frowned. "But it's dangerous for them to go outside now. It's not a good idea to come here."

"I don't think that's going to stop them," I said darkly. "I'll call them anyway, I want to know what they're going to do."

Mom nodded and put her phone against her ear. I dialed James' number and walked to the bathroom for silence. "Hi, Kendall," Carlos said.

"I thought I was calling James," I said surprised.

"You are, he's sitting next to me, driving."

"Do you know about the storm? It's not a good idea to go out now."

"Yeah, I already know. We got in the car as soon as we heard it, we're on our way to the Palm Woods now. We'll be there before the storm. Actually, we're almost there."

"Okay, but be careful."

"We will. Hey, can you give me Lizzy for a sec?"

"Sure." I put my hand over the phone and walked up to Lizzy. "Your daddy wants to talk to you," I told her when I reached her.

She grinned and took the phone. "Daddy!" She cried happily.

I waited next to her until they were done talking and she gave me back the phone. I ended the call and went up to mom, who just stopped calling too. "Katie and Dak are almost here, they can't go back anymore. What about James and Carlos?"

"They were on their way as soon as they heard about the storm. They can be here any minute."

"Alright. Looks like we're going to have a big sleep over. Help me, Kendall, how are we going to give eleven people a place to sleep?"

"Is Bitters here?"

"He is," Mom said confused.

"Then you can sleep with him in his apartment. Katie and Dak take your bed, I'll sleep with Logan and the children in our old room and James and Carlos take their old room."

"That's going to be a problem, because I turned their bedroom into a fitness room."

"Oh." I thought for a minute. James and Carlos could sleep with Lizzy on the couch, but I didn't want to do that to them. The couch was horrible. I would sleep on the couch myself, but Logan was sick and it could get cold in here during a storm. I sighed, "Logan can share a bed with Keira and Kegan. Carlos can sleep with Lizzy in the other bed and James and I will sleep on the couch."

Mom nodded. "Okay. That's a good solution, I think. Want to help me with dinner?"

"Yeah, sure."

* * *

><p>Four hours later we finished dinner and were waiting for desert that mom and Katie were preparing in the kitchen. I wasn't happy at all. Two long hours I'd been listening to Katie chattering about her baby. It was like she knew it hurt me and Logan and did it on purpose. Mom tried several times to change the subject, but Katie always found a way to start talking about it again. I was thankful for mom, she understood it was a painful subject for us. She cared for Logan after all.<p>

Logan was sitting at the coffee table where the children ate, because they didn't fit at the table. His excuse was that he had to help them with their food, but I was sure he did it to do Katie a favor. I hated it, but he didn't let me persuade him into sitting with the other adults at the table. Maybe it was for the best, because Logan didn't look really unhappy about sitting there, but Katie had to learn not everything was about her now she was pregnant.

She was proudly showing it too. With four months she wasn't exactly round yet, but if wore shirts as tight as she did the bulge was definitely visible. It didn't help either that Dak was constantly rubbing it and smiling brightly at Katie. It made me sick. Katie was acting smug, constantly looking over at Logan and the children with this satisfied look on her face. As if she thought Logan belonged there.

I wasn't happy with it at all. He was sick, he should be in bed right now or at least in a chair, not wrapped in a thin blanket sitting on the floor. I saw Carlos looking over pitifully a few times too, but he didn't say anything. I didn't mind, James and Carlos had nothing to do with this, it was better they stayed out of it.

I took a look outside, frowning when I saw the large amount of water falling from the sky. The sky was pitch black, so dark even the big clouds from earlier today were invisible for the eye. I hoped not too many damaged would be done tonight. And I hoped I closed the window in the bathroom back home…

Mom and Katie came back with desert; chocolate cake. The first thing I noticed was that they only had six plates, while I was sure we were with seven adults. My second thought was that maybe there was alcohol in it and Katie wouldn't eat it, but I was wrong. All six plates ended up on the dinner table and Katie put a pack of mini ice lollies on the coffee table for the 'children.'

That was it.

"Katie," I said nonchalantly when she was sitting at the table again. "I'm afraid we're not gonna make it to your wedding."

"What?" She said breathlessly.

"Yeah, we kind of have other plans, plans that are more important."

"Kendall, I need you to be there. What can possibly be more important?" She snapped.

_Logan. Logan is more important._"We're going bowling that day, we already made reservations, I can't cancel anymore. Sorry."

She was staring at me, but I just ignored it and took a bite of my chocolate cake that suddenly tasted a lot better. "Dude, Kendall, this is _our wedding_."

"I know, I'm not stupid."

"We already have dresses for the girls and a suit for Kegan," Dak said, clearly not believing I was really telling them we wouldn't attend his and Katie's wedding.

I shrugged. "Not my problem, buddy."

"Kendall-" Mom started.

"You're an asshole," Katie said unbelievably, she got up and grabbed Dak's wrist. "We're leaving."

"Katie! You can't leave now. It's storming outside, it's too dangerous." Mom got between her and the door.

"I don't care, I don't want to spend one more second with the jerks that ruined my wedding." She tried to get past mom, but she blocked Katie again.

"You ruined it yourself, Katie. Not me or anyone else." I got up from my chair and went to sit on the couch with Logan. I pulled him closer to me, holding him against me tightly. If I had to choose between Katie's wedding and Logan I was going for him every time. It might be stupid and selfish, but I finally had Logan again and I wasn't going to be apart from him when it wasn't absolutely necessary.

And I didn't get what Katie's problem was anyway. Logan didn't do anything to her, why would she be so mad at him? I was flattered she wanted to look out for me, but I was six years older than her and went through a lot; I only managed to survive that because I had Logan. She just had no reason to be mad at him.

I softly kissed Logan's temple, getting worried when his skin no longer felt warm, but was icy cold. "You need to get to bed," I whispered in his ear.

He shook his head. "Don't want to yet."

"You're not getting better if you don't sleep, sweetie."

He put his head on my shoulder, leaning a bit more into me. "I want to stay with you," He whispered. "James can sleep with Carlos and the children and I'll stay here."

"Logan..."

"Please? I feel better when I'm with you." He put his arms around my neck, hiding his face in my shoulder. And I knew there was no way I was able to say no.

"James, do you mind sleeping with Carlos and the children in our old room?" I asked him.

"No, that's fine," He said, his eyes flickering towards Logan for a second.

I nodded and moved my arm down to Logan's waist, rubbing his side slowly. On the other side of the room mom had convinced Katie and Dak to stay, but neither of them was very happy. I kissed the top of Logan's head and held him close, hoping he would warm up soon. "Kendall, why didn't you tell me I wasn't invited to Katie's wedding?" Logan asked softly.

"Because I didn't agree to it," I explained. "If she wants to have Kegan and Keira as ring bearer and flower girl, she cannot say their father isn't allowed to come. It's all of us or none of us, her choice."

"How about I'll only be there at the ceremony and go home afterwards? Would you stay for the party then?"

"I'm going where you're going, Logie. I don't want to spend one unnecessary second away from you."

"Kendall," He whispered. "Do this for Katie."

"No way. Logan, if you continue to give Katie what she wants she'll never see you did change and are going to stay with me. She's being ridiculous and has to realize she can't always have what she wants. I'm fine with Keira being flower girl and Kegan being ring bearer, as long as you're allowed to come too."

He snuggled closer to me and hid his face in my shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby." Over Logan's head I saw Katie and Dak glaring at me from where they were sitting at the table. Mom was looking over at me too, the look in her eyes pleading. They were definitely talking about how to convince me to leave Logan at home. I narrowed my eyes at them and wrapped my arms tighter around him, gently rubbing with my thumb over his back.

I looked away from them when I felt someone shaking my arm. "Papa, what does that mean?" Keira asked curiously.

"What baby?"

"Obnosios."

"You mean obnoxious?" She nodded and I continued. "Obnoxious means that that a person is being not nice at all to someone, sometimes even mean." I fought the urge to look at Katie.

Keira frowned and nodded, before leaning into my side and she continued to watch the program that was on TV. I kissed the top of her head and put an arm around her too, feeling rich. I felt happy, having my family so close and not needing anything else. Why couldn't Katie see that's what mattered? Not the mistakes Logan made, but the fact he made me happy just by sitting next to me. She should try that too, being happy with Dak and thinking about the baby they were going to have, not the minuscule problem she had with her wedding.

About half an hour later I looked down at Logan again and noticed he'd fallen asleep. I smiled at the sight of it and softly kissed his forehead. I hoped sleep would do him well and the fever would break during the night, I hated it when he was sick. Logan should be healthy and happy, not shivering and trying to hide in my skin to get warm.

I rubbed his back and held him closer, which seemed to help because Logan didn't wriggle anymore. "Papa, is daddy sleepy?" Keira asked softly.

"Yeah, he's sleeping, honey. Daddy's a little ill, but he'll be fine soon."

She nodded. ", Keira, you don't mind to sleep with James and Carlos and Kegan and Lizzy in one bed, do you?"

"No, papa."

I smiled at her. "You're a good girl."

Keira blushed and looked away from me. "Isn't there something you want to do for a sport?" I asked her curiously. "Kegan is on a soccer club, you can do something too." I felt her thinking, she was always doing the same thing Logan always did. "Do you maybe wanna do ballet? Or swimming? Or hockey?"

She shook her head, frowning a little. "I don't like that."

"Alright, but I know more things," I said smiling. "Karate? Do you want to learn how to play an instrument? Gymnastics?"

She shook her head again, giggling a little. "What about... Field hockey? Or soccer with Kegan? Or horse back riding?"

Bingo.

Her eyes started shining at the last option and I knew we were going to look for a try out lesson for her soon. "I like the last one," She admitted quietly. I didn't know why, but Keira was always shy to admit she wanted something. I had no idea how, because I'd always urged her to tell me what she wanted. Maybe she was just shy, even towards her own parents.

"I'll go look for something, Keke," I told her and kissed her forehead. She smiled widely and climbed into my lap to give me a hug. "I love you, baby, you know that right?"

She nodded and hugged me tighter. "Logie love, papa," She yawned. I ran my fingers through her hair.

"I think it's bedtime for you."

"No, don't want to yet."

"Too bad, baby. Go get your brother and I'm going to get you too bed."

"Are we sleeping here?" She asked surprised.

"It's storming outside, honey, we can't go home until the morning."

"Oh," She said and crawled off the couch to find her brother who was playing on the ground behind the couch.

I softly shook Logan, wanting to wake him up gently. He groaned and opened his eyes, closing them immediately because of the light. "I'm going to put Keira and Kegan in bed, are you okay being here alone?"

He nodded, scooting away from me so I could get up. I kissed him softly before I stood up, I made sure he was covered by his blanket before walking off to get my kids. It seemed like Kegan didn't believe Keira they had to go to bed. "Come, buddy, you're going to sleep," I told him.

"I don't want to! Lizzy isn't going to bed yet!"

"Kegan, don't yell. And come with me now."

"No!" He ran past me, to Logan and climbed next to him on the couch. "I don't wanna go to sleep, daddy."

"Kegie, listen to papa. We're all going to sleep soon."

Carlos got up from his place on the couch. "I'll go with them, Kendall. Lizzy has to go to bed too."

I nodded and went back to Logan and Kegan, but when I tried to pick him up Kegan glared at me and tried to sneak past me. I caught him though and pick him up, holding him under my arm. He struggled and whined for Logan, but I didn't let him go. Carlos took Keira and Lizzy by the hand and led them to the bedroom, I followed closely with Kegan.

I managed to make Kegan stop fussing when he realized Lizzy was here too and they were going to sleep in the same bed. He let me pull his pants off and all the children cheered when they found out we didn't bring their toothbrush and they couldn't brush their teeth. When all three of them were ready for bed they demanded that Carlos and I told us a story from 'when we were kids'. So we told them about the time James, Carlos and Logan moved out of 2J because we were fighting all the time. "And that's why we never let you play violent video games. The end," Carlos said.

"Kegan do you've to pee before you go to sleep?"

He glared at me and shook his head violently.

"Let's still do it, okay? Just to be sure."

Kegan pouted, but crawled out of bed and let me take him to the bathroom. It didn't happen often, but it would be kind of awkward if he wet the bed with four other people were in it. I held his hand as we walked to the kitchen bathroom, but when I reached the living room I noticed something changed. Katie, Dak and mom were no longer sitting at the table, but were now sitting on the couch around Logan. I was sure nothing good happened here. "C'mon, Kegie, let's go pee," I said, all the while keeping my eyes on the scene in the living room.

I helped Kegan in the bathroom and when we went back into the living room the TV was on and all of them were watching. Katie and Dak looked relaxed, mom was shifting uneasily and Logan's face was blank. He refused to meet my eyes and stared at the TV, but I was sure he wasn't watching. Kegan waved at them, "Bye daddy, bye grandma."

"Sleep tight, baby," Logan said with a smile at Kegan, but he still refused to meet my eyes. The other adults waved at Kegan and then we went back to the room. Carlos was talking with the girls, but got up when we came in. Kegan crawled under the blankets and snuggled against his sister.

"Don't stay awake for too long, okay?" He said.

All three children nodded sweetly, but Carlos and I both knew there was no way they would be that sweet once the door closed. Knowing there was nothing we could do about it we walked out of the room, back to the living room. Once there I saw there was another change. Mom was gone, James was back and Katie and Dak were getting up from the couch.

"Where's mama Knight?" Carlos asked as he fell next to James on the couch.

"Mom went to Bitters," Katie explained. "We're going to bed too."

"Okay. Sleep well," Carlos said and James waved at them. I narrowed my eyes at Katie, but she just smiled at me sweetly and walked away with Dak. I sat next to Logan and put my arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer and kissed his cheek. There was no way I could make Logan talk with James and Carlos here, but I definitely wasn't going to forget about what I saw earlier. He was going to tell me exactly what happened there, even though I had a pretty good idea of what happened myself.

"Where did you go?" I asked James, remembering he was not there when Katie, Dak and mom cornered Logan.

"Oh. I went downstairs to get some fruit smackers for Katie because she had a craving, but when I got here she didn't want them anymore. So I ate them myself."

"James!" Carlos whined. "You know that's my favorite snack, why didn't you bring me any?"

"I did, Carlitos, don't worry." James searched in his pocket and then pulled out the colorful package, handing it to Carlos.

He grinned widely and kissed James' cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I watched all this with amusement, finding most of the conversations James and Carlos had interesting and funny. Logan wasn't exactly in the mood, because when I looked at him he was just leaning against me and chewing his bottom lip. He never took his eyes off the TV, but I could see something was bothering him. It wasn't hard to figure out what exactly was bothering him.

We spent about an hour talking with James and Carlos, but then the two of them went to bed too. I hoped my babies wouldn't wake up from the storm and get scared, because I finally had Logan alone now and I wanted to know that Katie said to make him so upset. Once James and Carlos were gone I slowly leaned back until I was lying on the couch, Logan on top of me. "What's up?" I asked softly.

"Just tired," He muttered, turning his head on my chest so he could see the TV again.

I grabbed the remote and turned it off, wanting his full attention. "What did Katie tell you?"

"She was just bragging about her baby again."

He shivered. I pulled the blanket around him tighter and rubbed his back to warm him up. "Why do I not believe you?"

"No idea," He mumbled, now turning his head to the back of the couch, avoiding my eyes again. "Can we go to sleep?"

"What did she say, Logie?" I whispered, moving one of my hands up to tangle my fingers in his hair while I used the other to keep him against me. "She was being mean, wasn't she?"

"N-no," He said, but the stutter told me he was lying. I slowly turned onto my side, pressing Logan between my body and the back rest of the couch.

"Whatever it was she told you, none of it is true, okay? I love you."

He nodded quickly, but I didn't know if he just gave in so quickly to make me stop talking about it or if he felt too sick and tired to argue with me. Either way, I stopped talking about it too. He did feel pretty sick and I didn't want him to get even sicker. Especially not if there was a chance he was- No. No thinking about that. It wasn't true.

* * *

><p><strong>DUNDUNDUN. And now what? A lot more angst, of course. Kendall won't stop worrying for a while…<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Here we go. Hope you all like it. I know you will! **

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><p>That night didn't go smoothly at all. While the storm was getting louder and louder, Logan's fever was rising. I'd woken up around one am, the front of my shirt and my sleeves completely wet with Logan's sweat. He was whimpering and squirming in my arms, his eyes shut tightly and his face red.<p>

I was immediately right awake, talking to him softly and gently rocking him, hoping that would calm him down, but the opposite happened. Logan got worse and worse and about an hour later, his fever was over 104 and he was getting delirious. He said things that were not really, mumbled words I didn't understand, saw things that were not here. And then the worst happened; he started screaming. And I couldn't do anything.

"KENDALL, COME BACK!" Logan cried out, his eyes closed tightly. He was trashing in my embrace, trying to get away from me. "Help me, Kendall, please, help me!" He sobbed and tears ran down his face as he tried to push me away from him.

"Logie, listen to me," I said desperately. "I'm right here, it's not real, sweetie. I'm here."

It didn't work. Logan was too far gone to notice anything besides the things he saw in his head. "NO! NOT THAT! KENDALL, HELP ME!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. I felt tears slipping from my eyes, what was he seeing that was so terrifying? What did he want me to safe him from?

"Logan, it's me, Kendall. You're safe. You're alright, baby." I held him tighter, but he only fought me more and then I realized that if I let go he would stop -maybe. With pain in my heart I let go off my delirious husband who was crying and desperately calling for me to help him. It went completely against my instinct to hold and sooth him, but I had to remember he wasn't himself right now. He was hallucinating, seeing things that were not here.

I pulled my arms back and slowly pulled away from him, rolling off of the couch onto the ground. I just couldn't get away from him any further, he needed me, he wanted me to help him. I couldn't just ignore that. But luckily, Logan stopped moving once he found himself free of any arms. For a moment he just lied there, panting rapidly, but then he started mumbling. "Not far enough... I need more time, where did he go... Need you... don't let me go."

I didn't understand anything, but he sounded a lot calmer and was probably imagining better things than before. I quickly got up; Logan was good at the moment, I had to find something that would stop him from raving. What did I need? How did you stop someone from having a delirium.

Temperature.

His temperature had to go down. The warmer he got, the more he started imagining things. If I managed to cool him off it would hopefully stop. I went to the kitchen and pulled out a bucket from under the sink, after washing it off a few times I filled it with ice from the fridge and then put cold water in it, hoping this was cold enough to cool Logan off.

I grabbed a cloth and the bucket and went back to the couch. I put the cloth in the water, getting it completely drenched in the cold water before taking it out and putting it on his forehead. I squirmed at the feeling, but he didn't say anything so I guessed that was something good.

"Hey, Logie," I said softly, hoping he would stay calm if I talked to him. "Remember when we got married? You looked so beautiful back then, but I liked what you said most. You were being a real sweetie. My sweetie."

I gently rubbed his face with the cloth, getting it wet so he would cool off by the cold room. I didn't know exactly how much he had to cool off, but I did know just pouring the bucket over him was a bad idea. His temperature would drop too quickly then. I guess I just had to experiment a little.

"Do you remember what we did at the party?" I asked him while I ran the cloth over his neck. "We danced together and fed each other cake. It was definitely one of the best days of my life."

He whimpered and turned his head, slowly opening his eyes to look at me. "Kendall?"

"I'm right here, sweetie. Glad to have you back," I said with a smile. I folded the wash cloth I'd been using and put it on his forehead. Logan reached up to hold my hand against his cheek. "Do you know where we are?"

Logan frowned, "In 2J... why?"

I sighed in relieve and ran my thumb over his cheek. "You were yelling and screaming just a minute ago. Your fever is really high, but I can't take you to the hospital because it's storming really bad outside. I'm now trying to cool you down so you won't start hallucinating again. Is there more I can do?"

He squeezed his eyes shot, a shiver running over his body. "N-no, I don't think s-so. Keep talking t-to m-me."

"Okay. How about we sing? Can you do that?" He nodded, gripping my hand tighter to keep it against his face. I tried to think of a song and decided on one from BTR since I knew those the best. "Keep getting stuck, stuck, but I'm never giving up, up..."

Logan recognized it and sang along, forgetting a word here and there or pausing when more shivers ran over his body, but he did it and managed to stay with me. While we sang two more songs, I kept wetting his face with the water, all the while hoping his fever would break and he wouldn't start seeing things again. I didn't want to hear him screaming for me while there was nothing I could do to help him.

But no such luck. It went wrong when we were halfway Boyfriend. He was singing less and less until he was only muttering a word here and there before he stopped completely and just laid there. He fell into the slumber again. About a minute later he started tossing and turning, mumbling words I didn't understand. "Logie, I'm here, sweetie. It's me, Kendall."

He didn't respond and turned onto his side, away from me. "Don't want to... need warmth, need, warmth... Where is he? Find him... need to get him back..."

I carefully wrapped my arms around him, wondering if he saw different things now then he did before and if he still didn't want me to hug him. "Logie, I love you," I whispered in his ear. "Where are we, sweetie?"

He squirmed a bit, but didn't try to struggle out of my arms like before. "Alone, alone... don't want to be alone..."

Was that an answer? Or just another meaningless pile of words? "You're not alone, Logie. I'm right here."

"No... no... K-kendall hates me... Never wanted me... Never, never... KENDALL!" I almost jumped to the ceiling when I heard him screaming. I quickly recovered and pulled his shaking form closer, tiny broken sobs coming out of his mouth. I felt my heart breaking at the devastated state my little baby was in. My poor Logie.

"You're not alone, baby, I'll never leave you alone. Logan, I love you so much," I told him, "You're my life, sweetie. I'll never hate you."

He seemed to be calmer now, but he continued sobbing so I didn't know for sure. "I d-don't want to b-be alone... N-need you s-so bad, it h-hurts, Ken-dall... i-it h-h-hurts..."

I held him even closer and kissed his cheek, trying to hold my own tears back. I had no idea Logan needed me this much. "You're mine, Logie," I whispered in his ear. "You'll always be mine."

At last, Logan sobbed less and less until only a few sniffles and hiccups were coming from him. His eyes were still closed so I assumed he was still far from conscious. I wet the washcloth again and put it on his forehead, I wanted this to stop right now. He didn't deserve going through this. Not even a tiny bit.

I was glad the storm was loud enough to mask Logan's screams for the other people in 2J. I didn't want the children to wake up from it or even Katie and Dak. They would only laugh at Logan's pathetic form on the couch, so sick he couldn't even think normally anymore.

On the other hand I hated the storm more than I liked it, because I couldn't take Logan to the hospital with this weather while he clearly needed to go there fast. I had no idea what caused this fever, but if it didn't break anytime soon, Logan had one serious infection. I couldn't so anything about that.

Logan groaned and blinked, opening his eyes slowly like before. "Hey, baby," I whispered. "Are you okay?"

He shook his head and pulled me closer, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I sat on the couch, which was a lot more comfortable than kneeling on the couch and pulled him in my lap. "It hurts, Kendall," He whispered.

"What hurts, Logie?" I asked him, fearing what he would say. I slowly rubbed his back and noticed he was trembling again. Not good.

"I d-don't k-know."

"Try to find it? I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

He nodded shakily, fisting my shirt tightly in his hands. "H-headache," He whispered, "M'dizzy. D-drowsy." He paused and I got worried when he didn't continue after a minute. I sighed in relieve when he started talking again, "Kendall, g-get me s-sugar. Quick."

"Why?" I asked confused. He was sick, why would he need sugar?

"Just d-do it and f-feed it t-to me," He commanded weakly. I nodded and got up, hoping Logan figured out himself what was going on with him and sugar was going to help him get better. I gently lifted him off my lap and put him back on the couch, before speeding to the kitchen to find sugar. I found sugar cubes on the counter and brought them back to Logan, hoping it was good enough.

I sat next to him on the couch and took one out of the jar. "Open up, Logie." He parted his lips, allowing me to feed him the cube. He sucked on it, melting it in his mouth before swallowing and opening his mouth again. I fed him five or six, before he signaled me to stop. I put the jar on the coffee table since I might need it again. I wet the cloth again and ran it over Logan's face, hoping this was enough to keep him from drifting off again.

For a long time nothing happened, Logan laid really still, his eyes closed tightly, the only sign he was still alive the rising and falling of his chest. I kept Logan's face wet with the washcloth and held his hand with my free hand. Every once in a while he squeezed softly to show me he was still awake.

I was so glad he was no longer trembling and sweating like before, I hoped his temperature was lower now and the deliriousness was over. It was scary. He was still pale and looked ill, but he'd been looking like that the whole day so I was less worried already.

After about an hour he opened his eyes and looked up at me, his eyes clear and bright, fully aware of what was happening again. He smiled at me weakly and squeezed my hand. "Hey."

"Hey," I said uncertainly. "Feeling better?"

"A lot, actually," He said. "Keep the sugar close for a while and feed me some if I started sweating or shivering again, even if you have to force me."

I nodded worriedly. "What was all that anyway? Why did the sugar stop it?"

"I'm guessing hypoglycemia." I raised my eyebrows, having no idea what that term meant. Logan smiled apologetically, "People get a hypoglycemia if the glucose level in their blood to low if. They start sweating, trembling, get really tired really quick, have a racing heart, get dizzy or have a headache. They just have to eat sugar and it'll get better."

I nodded. "But what caused that, the hypo-whatever? Doesn't that glucose level have something to do with diabetes?"

He slowly nodded. "It does, but sometimes it happens if people didn't eat enough..."

I frowned, "Did you eat today?" I asked strictly.

"I did!" He said quickly. "I swear, Kendall. I ate everything you gave me, but, well, I started feeling sick halfway dinner and stopped eating because I didn't want to throw up again. But that's all."

I nodded. I did see Logan eat today. "Than what was it?"

"I honestly have no idea," Logan sighed. "It's possible I have type 2 diabetes, I think an uncle on my father's side had that, but if that's the case I should've found out about that by now."

"We're going to the doctor tomorrow," I decided. "I want to know what's wrong so it won't happen again."

Logan nodded, for once not protesting. "Can we go to sleep?" He asked softly.

"Yeah." I grabbed the sugar cubes and put them on the ground next to the couch where I could easily reach them if it was needed. Logan turned on his side, his back pressed against the back of the couch. I laid down next to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, holding him against me. He still felt really hot and I knew he wasn't better yet, but I couldn't help but feel relieved that he was no longer seeing things and scaring me.

He tucked his head under my chest and curled up, falling asleep quickly. It took me longer to fall asleep, but eventually I drifted off as well.

* * *

><p>I woke up in the morning, because I heard a loud bang down the hall. I shot up, looking down at Logan who still had his eyes closed and apparently wasn't bothered by the loud noise at all. However, before I could get up Katie appeared, having a smug grin on her face so I knew she did it on purpose. "Morning, brother," She said sweetly.<p>

I glared at her and turned around to the window. We finally had daylight again and now we could see just how much damage the storm had done. I went closer to the window and looked down at the pool, grimacing when I saw the mess. Chairs and plants were lying everywhere, some ended up in the pool, giving the water a brownish color from all the dirt. The cabana's collapsed, the blue material hanging in trees. Further away I saw some trees had fallen onto the road and I was glad I didn't go out last night to take Logan to the hospital.

I decided it was time to check up on my babies, see if they were okay. They probably were because I didn't hear from them at all, but I wasn't going to stop worrying until I actually saw them. I walked to my old bedroom, ignoring Katie in the kitchen and Dak when I passed him in the hallway. Quietly opening the door, I peeked inside and smiled at the scene.

James was on the right, Lizzy and Keira on either side of him, sleeping soundly with his arms around them. Kegan managed to find his way on top of Carlos, but not in the normal way you would expect. No, Kegan didn't roll that way, he was laying crosswise over Carlos. His butt higher than his head that was resting on the mattress. I chuckled softly and was about to leave when Carlos opened his eyes.

"Morning," He said tiredly. He looked down, noticing Kegan's little form bend over his stomach. He grinned, "I wonder how he did that."

"Me too. Want me to get him off you? Must be hard to breath this way."

"Nah," Carlos said. "I don't want to wake him up yet, if he wakes up the other two will wake up too and I'm perfectly okay with lying here for a while."

"Okay," I said amused. "Have fun."

He waved at me and I left again, still chuckling. Kegan was so silly. When I got back in the kitchen, I saw Katie and Dak sitting at the counter together, drinking coffee and eating cereal. I remembered what happened last night, how I found Katie, Dak and mom around Logan, telling him things that almost made him cry when I asked him about it.

I looked over at him, smiling when I saw him still asleep on the couch. I went up to my sister and future brother-in-law, preparing myself for yet another fight with them. "What did you say to Logan last night?" I asked coldly.

Dak ignored me and honestly I didn't expect anymore better of him. Katie smiled at me. "Just our thoughts about him."

"And what are your thoughts exactly?"

"Nothing new, basically that I absolutely hate him for what he did and that nothing he'll ever do is going to make up for it."

I clenched my teeth, hoping to remain calm long enough to ask my next question. "And what did he do to you?"

"Turn my brother into a mess? Hurt my innocent niece and nephew? Make mom worry about you constantly? Turn James and Carlos into shadows of themselves because they lost their friend again? And..." She said and her voice broke, making her stop talking for a minute as she tried to keep herself in check. "And cause me to have multiple miscarriages because I was too stress and worried about my brother to get pregnant? This is the first baby that actually lasted longer than six months, Kendall."

And now I got why she was being like this. Katie and Dak had been having their own baby problems. I bit my lip and stared at her, feeling guilty for the mean things I said to her, while she was doing the exact same thing I was trying to do; protecting her family from getting hurt again. I decided that if she was honest and brave enough to tell me her problem, I could tell her what I told mom and James and Carlos already, why I forgave Logan what he did, for abandoning abandoning us.

"The reason I forgave Logan," I started, reaching over to grab Katie's hand and make her look at me. "I forgave Logan, because he was hurting too. Two and a half years ago, we started trying for another baby, but it didn't work. Then he started working at the hospital, he saw it as a chance to escape the depressing situation at home and take a break from it all, but took it too far. That's how it went and why I forgave him."

She looked back at me, her eyes more understanding now. "I'm sorry for what happened, Katie. If I'd known about that I wouldn't have said what I said. Or at least not as harsh," I added when I realized I would do it all again to defend Logan.

"I guess, I owe you one too," She muttered. "And I guess I can invite Logan to our wedding, it's not like he's going to hurt anyone, not anymore at least." I grinned when I heard her using my own words. "I'm sorry, Kendall."

I walked around the counter block and hugged her, glad this was finally over and we could all be friends again. I was even happier Logan was allowed to come to Katie's wedding too, maybe she wasn't forgiving him just yet, but she did understand now and that was the first step. I let go of her and patted Dak's back, before going back to the couch to wake Logan up and tell him the good news.

I sat down on the edge of the couch and ran my fingers through his hair, smiling at how peaceful he looked lying there. He felt really warm and his skin was red and damp. "Logie, wake up. It's morning and the storm is over."

He didn't react and I chuckled, thinking he was just playing a game with me and he didn't want to get up yet. "C'mon, Logan. I'll make you eggs."

Still no response. I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what would wake him up. I sneaked my hand under the blanket and his shirt and started tickling his side. "You won't be able to keep this up for long, sweetie. You know you can't do anything against the hand."

But when he still didn't react after a minute of tickling both his sides, his armpits and his neck, I was getting worried. Normally he would be a giggling and squirming mess at this point, but now he didn't even flinch. I felt his forehead again, the burning heat under my hand suddenly alarming. "Logie? Do you hear me?" I asked worriedly. I tried lightly slapping his face to wake him up, but it wasn't working. Logan stayed completely still. I got the attention from Katie and Dak too, since they got up and were now standing next to me looking worried.

I started to panic and searched frantically for a heartbeat, sighing in relieve when I found it, but then panicking again when I felt his heart beating really fast. I remembered what Logan said last night about the quick heartbeat when someone had a hypoglyco-thingy. What if he had that again? Was that why he wasn't waking up? Why didn't I notice before? Was I too fast asleep to hear him whimpering in pain? To feel him trembling in my arms?

I remembered the sugar just next to the couch and grabbed it, hoping it was going to make him better like earlier. I parted his lips and crumbled one above his mouth, maybe then it would melt faster in his mouth. "Katie, call 911, please," I said calmly. Wow, I wondered how I managed to sound like that.

"Yeah," She said, grabbing the first phone she saw and dialing the short number while I crumbled another sugar cube in Logan's mouth. What if the sugar wasn't going to make him better? What if I was doing it wrong? I quickly pushed those thoughts away. Logan told me what to do last night, I was doing the exact same thing he did. He was going to be fine.

I heard Katie talking quickly to the person on the other line, giving the address and Logan's conditions, not that anyone knew what was wrong with him besides me. And even I wasn't sure. "Papa! Daddy!" I suddenly heard Keira singing and her footsteps coming closer.

"Dak, please distract her," I asked the actor. Dak nodded and quickly went up to Keira who just appeared into the kitchen.

"Hey, big girl!" He said and picked her up. "How about you and me go keep your brother and Lizzy company, huh? I want to teach you all how to act."

I couldn't hear Keira's answer, because the bedroom door shut behind her and Dak. I looked back at Logan, gently closing his mouth so the sugar could go do it's work and raise Logan's glucose level. "There's an ambulance coming this way right now, Kendall, but they don't know how long it'll take them with all the damage the storm has done and all. They said it would be ten minutes, max," Katie said. "And why are you feeding him sugar?"

"He was sick last night too, Katie. His fever got so high he was delirious, seeing things that were not there. He came back to consciousness, then he would start all over again. It was really scary, but in one of his good periods he managed to tell me to feed him sugar if I recognized one of the signs from last night. It's something with his blood sugar level, but we still don't know what's wrong exactly."

She nodded and looked away guiltily. "I didn't even notice he was sick yesterday," She admitted quietly. "If I'd known I would've waited with saying the things I said. Even I'm not so cruel to make someone suffer when he's already sick."

I smiled at her sadly. "It's okay. We both did some stupid things."

She smiled back at me. "I'll go downstairs to wait for the ambulance and show them the way."

I nodded. "Thanks, baby sister." She waved shortly and walked away, I watched her go, but I quickly turned back to Logan when I heard a groan. He was finally waking up! I cupped his face and gently rubbed his cheeks with my thumbs. "Hey, baby," I said happily. "You're gonna be fine, okay? The ambulance will be here in a second and then will fix all this, making sure it never happens again."

But instead of answering me, Logan whimpered in pain and started trembling. I froze, this was not supposed to happen. Logan should be opening his eyes and have a clear look in them, showing me he was alright. He was getting worse now. "No," I whispered. "Hold on, Logie. The ambulance is here real soon now.

He clearly wasn't listening to me. I didn't even know if he was aware of the fact I was here. I gently ran my hand over his cheek, hoping to calm him down somewhat, but he only started whimpering more, little cries of pain leaving his lips. "Stay with me, baby. C'mon, I know you can, hold on."

It seemed to be taking ages before finally the front door opened and Katie came in, followed by two men in blue outfit pushing a stretcher. I quickly got out of the way and watched how the men started doing their work. "Blood pressure is way too high, get 0.2 mL beta blockers," Said the man that was checking Logan's vitals to the dude that was searching in the trunk filled with medical stuff.

The man next to Logan turned to me. "Is he allergic to anything? Is there other stuff I need to know before I give him any medication?"

"Uh... I.. uhm, well he had a hypoglyco- hypoglyci- I don't know, something about his blood glucose level being too low? But then he ate sugar and it was over, so I gave him that again, just fifteen minutes ago."

The men exchanged looks, "Double the doses," The first man said. "You probably meant good, but his levels are way too high and by giving him sugar you didn't make it better."

I cringed, feeling really stupid and guilty. I only made it worse for Logan, I didn't mean to, I wanted to help him, but now he was even worse than before. "It's alright, sir. It's difficult to keep those two levels apart and if you've never dealt with it before it's impossible to recognize. He'll be fine soon."

I nodded and managed to smile at the paramedic. Logan was hooked up to the IV by now and the two ambulance workers were lifting him from the couch onto the stretcher. "Katie, can you tell Keira and Kegan I'm with Logan at the hospital? Do it gently and make it look like nothing bad happened, I don't want them to get scared. I don't care what you tell the others."

She nodded. "Okay, Kendall."

I smiled at her before quickly running after the paramedics that were already out of 2J. I quickly caught up with them and looked at Logan. He was still whimpering from the pain, but he didn't tremble anymore. That was good.

We reached the still deserted lobby and went outside where the ambulance was waiting. They first put Logan in it, the man I'd been talking to climbing in behind him. The other paramedic showed me my seat on the other side of Logan and told me to not touch anything. Like I wanted to when my husband was lying in front of me with pain. I hoped he didn't mind I held his hand.

The ride lasted hours while in reality it was only a few minutes. The man rolled Logan out of the ambulance and I followed the stretcher he was lying on as long as I could, but then one of the doctors stopped me and they wheeled him into a room. I sighed and sat down in the first chair I saw.

Logan was in good hands now, but I didn't feel any better. I wanted to be closer to him, leaving him alone when he was in pain was so not what I should be doing. I hated being away from him, but being apart now felt even worse. And it wasn't only that, I also made him even sicker. It was my fault he was hurting right now.

I thought back to the other times I was here with Logan. The first time, he'd his leg and his arm broken after falling off a set stairs. That was the easiest one, Logan and I had only been dating for a few days back then and although I loved him, it didn't come close to how much I loved him now. All his bones were going to heal and Logan was going to be fine in a few weeks. It wasn't so bad.

The second time was the worst. Logan came here after he gave birth of Keira. He was weak back then, his hips was broken and he hadn't eaten in days. He was raped several times and had a lot of infections because he'd been cut by a dirty knife. He'd been asleep for a week and it was an absolute hell. I'd been without him for two weeks, thinking he was dead. We found him and I thought I was going to loose him on that night. Then he spent a week in the hospital sleeping and I feared he wasn't going to wake up again. It had been hell, definitely if you included the period that came after.

The third time was scary. I wasn't so much afraid of losing Logan, he would most likely survive and come back to me. No, in those days I feared for the life of my son. My tiny little baby boy in that big glass incubator where we couldn't touch him and show him we were there for him. It was a hard time, but it definitely helped I had Logan right by my side. And together we got through that, bringing our beautiful little boy home only a month after his birth.

And then now. I didn't think I had to fear for Logan's life. He was in pain and passed out in his sleep, but it wasn't life threatening. That didn't mean I wasn't worried though. I was worried sick. What caused those hypo-thingies? Would it happen again? Was Logan sicker than I originally thought he was? Would he develop some kind of diabetes now? What was that anyway? I knew diabetes had something to do with sugar and glucose, but what could happen if Logan didn't have those things?

Yuck. I never wanted Logan to go to the hospital again. I would lock him in our room or something, some place where he was safe and would stay healthy forever.

My phone buzzed and I quickly answered it, expecting it to be from 2J. And I was right. "Hi, Katie."

"Kendall, I really tried to tell them easy, but Keira is in tears right now and wants to talk to you."

I sighed. "Give her to me."

"Okay."

I heard a rustling sound from the phone being handed to my daughter and then her soft voice whimpering, "P-papa?"

"Hey, Keke," I said, trying to sound calm and soothing.

"I-i-is d-daddy o-okay?" She sobbed.

"Daddy is fine, honey. There's nothing wrong with him." She was still crying and I wished I could pull her in my arms. Keira was fiercely protective of all her family members, caring deeply for all of us and hating it when someone got hurt. Just like Logan. "Shall I ask him to call when he wakes up?"

"Y-yes," She sniffled.

"I will ask him, baby. I promise."

"'K-kay."

"We love you, Keke," I told her softly. "Can you give me auntie Katie again?"

"B-bye. L-logie love, p-papa."

The rustling again and then Katie was back on. "Yes?"

"Can you give Keira some paper and a pencil? She calms down when she draws."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Yes. Thank you, for watching them."

I could hear her smile. "No problem, big bro. I'll have to get used to kids sometime anyway."

I chuckled. "True. I'll be back tonight at last to take them home."

"It's okay, Kendall. Take as long as you need."

"Thanks, bye."

"See you later."

I ended the call and put my phone away. I hoped Keira would be okay soon. I didn't like it when she felt unhappy. I leaned back in my chair, my head hitting the wall. I wished this was all over and the four of us would be home again, just sitting together peacefully. I was so done with all the waiting, having Logan and then losing him again. We should be together right now. Logan should be healthy and happy, sitting with me at the breakfast table, eating and laughing with our children on a quiet and happy Sunday morning.

I never got what I wanted though, I was used to it by now.

It was a long, long wait until a doctor came out and told me Logan was stable now. He was sleeping, but he could wake up any minute now. I was allowed to go see him. I quickly went to the room, swallowing the lump in my throat when I saw my love's little form in the white bed, looking even smaller than he already was to me, with the IV still in his arm and the other two machines next to him he was hooked up to.

I grabbed a chair and put it next to his bad, before grabbing his hand and holding it in mine, slowly rubbing the back of his hand with my thumbs. "Glad you're okay, baby," I said softly and kissed his hand.

I spent the next two hours waiting for Logan to wake up. The doctor sad he would be waking up any minute, but this didn't really look like that. Maybe Logan was just tired of being sick and decided to sleep a little longer now that he could. I never left his side, always held his hand and watched his face for any sign of pain or waking up.

One tiny little part in the back of my brain was glad he was sick, because there was no way he was able to go to work tomorrow and I would have him all to myself. That was awesome. I wanted to baby him until he couldn't walk anymore and I could have him with me forever. Or I just wanted to it to make up for make his conditions worse by feeding him sugar when he already had too much in his blood. I really, really felt guilty for that.

I felt a squeeze in my hand and looked up. I grinned when I saw him slowly opening one eye and then quickly closed it again, because of the bright light. I got and bend over a little, effectively blocking the light so he could open his eyes. "Hey, Logie," I said happily and leaned in to give him a kiss.

"Hey," He said, his voice soft.

"How are you feeling?"

He frowned. "Not so good, what are they giving me?" Logan pointed to the IV back next to his bed.

"Uhm, I think one paramedic asked the other to give you beta block?"

He nodded. "Beta blockers. That's okay, I guess."

"I'm sorry, Logie," I whispered. "I didn't even notice you passed out this morning and when I couldn't get you up, I gave you sugar again, but that only made it worse and you started whimpering and crying in pain and then the paramedic said you blood sugar level was too high and I only made it worse."

Logan stared at me and tried to shrink into nothing, maybe he wouldn't be too angry with me. But to my surprise, Logan started giggling and cupped my face. "You're silly. I'm not mad, you couldn't have known what was going on and you did what you thought was good."

I smiled and pulled him in for another kiss. And for the first time since he got sick, Logan kissed me back just as eagerly. "Missed that," He muttered, before he pressed his lips on mine again. I smiled into it, happy I could do this again without making him dizzy.

He pulled away eventually and scooted to the other side of his bed. "Sit next to me?" He asked sweetly. I climbed onto the bed and pulled him closer, against my side. Logan rested his head on my chest, sighing contently. "Did a doctor tell you any results yet?"

"No, I guess they're still doing that."

Logan sighed. "Pity, I want to know what's caused all this. People don't just get diabetes out of nothing unless it's genetic."

"And you're sure it isn't genetic?"

"Yes. If it was I would've got it when I was four or five, type 1 diabetes forms at an early age."

I nodded, wondering if I was going to remember all of this. "Maybe it has another cause? You said something about not eating in a while?"

"Well, yeah, but I ate. It could also happen if I was obese, but I'm clear not."

"And that's all? Nothing else can cause a hypogly-thing?"

"Hypoglycemia. And no, that was it, unless, well, that's impossible."

"Nothing is impossible. Tell me," I commanded.

He hesitated. "It's possible that something is wrong with my Fallopian tubes, but I really don't think that's it. It's impossible."

I frowned, Fallopian tubes had something to do with baby making. I wondered if Logan was lying to me, but decided not to push it. He was just getting better and I wanted to spend a nice few hours with him, before I had to go home. I hoped Logan was allowed to go home too, but I feared he had to stay here. "Okay then. Let's just wait for the results then."

He nodded and started drawing figures on my stomach. I watched him doing it for a while, enjoying every little second with Logan next to me. "You have to call, Keira," I told him when I remembered that. "She was in tears when I talked to her on the phone, she wants to know you're okay."

"Give me your phone," He commanded. I chuckled and handed it to him, watching how he quickly dialed the numbers of Carlos' cell phone numbers and pressed the phone against his ear. "You should've told me earlier," He said strictly while he waited for Carlos to pick up. "I don't want her to be scared."

Before I could say sorry, Carlos answered and Logan started talking. "No, it's me, Logan... Yeah, I'm okay now... Yes, can you give me Keira for a minute?" There was a pause and then Logan's face lit up. "Hey Keke, it's daddy... Yes, I'm alright, baby, don't worry... Oh, did you? I can't wait to see it!... You know what, I'll ask papa to pick you up." He looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

"I don't have a car here," I told him. "Ask Katie to bring her."

His eyes widened in fear and he shook his head. "Wait a sec, honey, papa is asking me something," He said to the phone and then put his hand over it. "Why her?"

"Just do it, Logie. Katie and I talked this morning and she had a pretty good reason to act like she did. I explained some things to her and she's willing to forgive you now."

He stared at me, his eyes filled with doubt. "She won't yell at you, I promise."

Logan nodded uncertainly and put the phone back to his ear. "I'm back, Keke, can you give me auntie Katie for a sec?... Yes, I will... Logie love to you too, sweetheart..." He swallowed and looked at me, panic so clear in his eyes. I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him back against my chest, my fingers traveling down to his back and slowly caressing.

"H-hi, Katie," He said shakily. "Yes, I'm feeling better now... Kendall told me to ask you to bring Keira to the hospital... Really? I mean, yes, thank you... Yeah, I'll see you soon... What room am I in?" He looked at me questionable. '304' I mouthed. "304, says Kendall... Okay, bye..." He gave me back my phone and relaxed against me. "She didn't even snap at me," He said surprised.

"Told you so," I said and kissed his forehead.

"What did she tell you?" He asked softly.

"This morning I went up to her, before I noticed something was wrong with you, to ask her about what she told you last night." Logan shifted uncomfortably, pressing tighter against me. "I asked her what her deal was and then she told me some things I didn't notice before. She also explained to me why she was so mad at you."

"And why is that?" He whispered.

"Katie and Dak tried to have a baby too, but she had miscarriages because she was too stressed and worried about me when you were gone."

He said nothing, only pressed tighter against me and hid his eyes for me. A few moments later I felt tears dripping on my shirt. "I d-didn't m-mean f-f-for that to h-happen," He whimpered.

"I know, baby, I know," I whispered. "But then I explained why you did what you did and Katie understood you were hurting too."

"That d-doesn't m-mean were even n-now," He said angrily. I knew he wasn't mad at me though, he was mad at himself. "I was hurting f-for s-something that d-didn't even exist, she l-lost it. M-more t-than one t-t-time."

"Tell her that, sweetie. When she gets here, talk to her and say what you just said to me. I think she'll appreciate it to talk to you too."

"O-okay," He whispered. I kissed the top of his hand and rubbed his back until he stopped crying. I should've realized this would hurt Logan a lot. After all it was his fault Katie lost her babies. That must really make you feel guilty. I hoped Katie would be nice to him about it though, Logan really was sorry and he too deserved a little peace after all that happened.

"When do Katie and Keira get here?" I asked him when he calmed down.

"Uh..." He glanced at the clock. "In five minutes or so."

"Okay. Wanna kiss for a few minutes?" Logan nodded, he turned his head upwards and pulled me closer until our lips met. We kissed slowly, our lips moving together softly, perfectly. He quickly went further, licking my lips, asking for access, which I granted. He explored my mouth and I moaned quietly to show him I liked it what he was doing.

We made out until we heard the door opening and then quickly pulled apart, not wanting Keira to see us kissing again. It seemed to happen a lot lately, that one of the kids walked in on us. We really had to be more careful, but luckily Katie and Keira didn't see anything and smiled at us when they came in.

"Daddy!" Cried Keira and ran up to the bed. She tried to climb on it, but Logan had to help her a bit before she managed to get on it and snuggle into Logan's arms.

"Didn't Kegan want to come?" I asked Katie while I got off the bed to give them some space.

"No, he, Lizzy, Carlos and James are treasure hunting in the pool area. He was having too much fun with it to come with us."

I chuckled. "Okay then."

"I'm going to get coffee. You want some?"

I smiled. "Yes, thank you."

She left and I turned back to the bed, where Logan was still holding Keira. She was showing him a drawing she made. "I love it, Keke. Come see what she made, Kendall."

I came over curiously and took a look at the paper he was holding. Keira made a bear with a band-aid on his head. I laughed, "He looks like you."

Keira giggled too and Logan pouted. "You're not nice to me. Tell papa he's stupid, Keira."

"Papa's stupid!"

"Hey! I thought you were on my side, Keke!"

"No," She said and put her arms around Logan's neck.

I was the one pouting now. "I don't like you anymore."

Keira laughed more and I was glad to see that. She didn't laughed often enough. We had to make her smile more. "Daddy, what's that?" She asked and pointed to the tube connected to the IV bag.

"That's what I get some medicine from," He explained.

"Does it hurt?" She asked worriedly.

"Not at all. I don't feel anything from it."

"Why do you get medicine?"

"Because I'm a little sick, Keke, and that's going to make me aaaaall better."

She bit her lip. "Really?"

"Really, sweetie. I'm going to be fine."

"Okay." She sat next to Logan and leaned into his side. "Papa said yesterday that he's going to search for horse back riding lessons for me," She told him happily.

"Oh, really?" Logan said, smiling too. "You want to do that?"

She nodded. "Are you coming with me then?"

"Of course, I'm coming! You'll do great, honey."

She beamed and the two of them started a conversation about horses and all those things that got with them. I watched with a smile, glad I found another thing she liked to do. Katie came back a few minutes later, holding three cups with coffee. She gave one to me and put the other one on the table next to Logan's bed. He looked at her, smiling shyly as a thank you.

"Keira, auntie Katie forgot to get you a drink, why don't we go get you one now?" I said. She nodded and kissed Logan's cheek before jumping off the bed and running towards me. I ignored the surprised look I got from Katie and the uneasy one from Logan as we walked out of the room.

I held Keira's hand while we walked to the cafeteria, I didn't want to loose her in the big, scary hospital. "Did you see how Kegan was lying this morning?" I asked her.

"Yes! He was over Carlos' stomach with his butt in the air!"

I chuckled. "Kegan is silly, isn't he?"

"Yup." We reached the little restaurant like area and went to the counter to get Keira her drink. "What do you want, honey?"

"Apple juice."

We slowly walked back to the room. I wanted Katie and Logan to have enough time to talk things out. I talked a bit with Keira and reached the room just when I saw a doctor going in. I picked Keira up and quickly went over, wanting to know if the results were back from the blood test. When we came back into the room, I saw Katie sitting on the edge of Logan's back and smiled at the sight of it, glad that their fight was over. The doctor, a lady, was standing beside Logan's bed, checking up on some things.

I put Keira on the bed next to Katie. "Do you have the results?" I asked eagerly.

"No, not yet," She said, "It's really busy at the moment, because of the storm. I promise you I'll have them in an hour."

"Alright. Thank you."

She nodded, wrote something on Logan's chart and left. Katie got off the bed. "I'm afraid I have to go too. I'm going to the last fitting session before the wedding, then my dress and all is done."

I nodded, Logan smiled. Katie turned to Keira. "Want to come with me? Then you can try your dress on too."

Keira's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"You're my flower girl, of course you need to try on your dress too."

Keira beamed and jumped off the bed. "I want to come!"

"Good, say bye to your parents."

Keira waved at us, but she was too excited to anything but jump up and down. "I'll see you." She pointed to me and Logan. "At my wedding. And if you're late, I'll kill you."

"We'll be there, Katie, don't worry," Logan said. I grinned when I realized what this meant; Logan was invited to the wedding. They left and I sat back to Logan again.

"Did you two talk things out?"

He smiled. "Obviously."

"Good. Hey, what do you think of sleeping until the doctor comes back? I didn't really get to last night and now all the drama is over, I'm pretty tired."

"Sounds good." He moved over so I could lay down next to him again and then cuddled into my side, putting his head on my chest. It didn't take long before we both fell asleep.

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><p>Precisely an hour later, I was woken up by the door that opened. I sat up and smiled sleepily at the lady doctor, before looking down at a still sleeping Logan. "Wake up, sleepy head," I yawned and shook his shoulders.<p>

He groaned and opened his eyes, sitting up too when he saw the doctor. "Oh, hi."

"Hello, Mr. Knight. I got your test back," She said, trying not to laugh at us. "The results were... surprising."

I frowned, not knowing if that was something positive or something negative. She looked at Logan before turning to her papers. "You appear to have gestational diabetes."

Logan froze. He stared at the woman like she had three heads. Diabetes? I thought Logan said that was impossible? And what did the gestational part mean? Temporary or something? Why was Logan so shocked by this? "A-are y-you sure?" He whispered.

"Yeah," Dr. Lee said, going through the folder of papers she had in her hands. "Your blood has a really high glucose level. Your fever was caused by too much blood sugar."

And now I still didn't know anything.

"Are you sure it's gestational diabetes? And not just type 2?" Logan asked breathlessly.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure-" She frowned when she saw Logan furiously pulling at the needle in his hand that connected him to the IV. In a second he had the bandage off and he ripped the needle out of his skin. "You give me beta blockers when I have gestational diabetes?" He asked the woman in disbelieve. "Are you out of your mind?"

Apparently she saw the light and quickly came up to Logan, helping him to turn the pump off. "I-I'm sorry, Mr. Knight. I wouldn't have g-given you t-that if I knew about your conditions."

Logan nodded and closed his eyes for a second. "It's okay, you couldn't have known. Just change it into methyldopa."

"Yes, of course. I'll go do that right now," She said and took the IV bag with the wrong medicine solution off the hook. She walked away, but looked back before closing the door. "Congratulations, by the way."

To my surprise, Logan grinned widely. "Thanks."

When the door was closed I turned to Logan. "What the hell is going on? What is gestational diabetes?" I asked. I'd been watching the whole scene, but nothing gave away what was actually going on with Logan. What was gestational diabetes? And why was he so upset about the IV thingy?

He looked at me, his eyes filled with something I should recognize, but I couldn't. He cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. A kiss I'd only had two times before. A special kiss, that told me how happy he was. A loving kiss, so sweet and so Logan it made my life a bit more complete.

He pulled away and put his arms tightly around my neck. "Gestational diabetes means I'm pregnant," He whispered in my ear.

**Who's happy? :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Guys, I got 22 reviews for the last chapter. I've no words for how happy that made me. You're all so amazing and I feel guilty for not thanking you enough.**

**So I'm doing it now. Thank you. For reading, for liking my story, for following it and for reviewing. You guys are the best and this chapter is for you, hopefully it's good!**

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><p>I woke up the day before Katie's wedding, my arms tightly around Logan and one of my hands covering his stomach. It's been four days since we found out and I still couldn't believe it. I was right after all, we were having the third baby we wanted to bad. Logan was currently keeping our little baby in his belly, safely and warmly surrounded by its daddy and papa that wanted him so much.<p>

I remembered the first few hours after we found out. As soon as Logan said the words I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it, after all those years of trying and failing, finally our third baby was on the way. After the first few minutes of absolute happiness, Logan broke down. He cried for at least an hour, his face pressed in my chest. Telling me exactly what he felt at that moment.

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><p><em>Logan curled into my side his face pressed tightly in my chest as his body started trembling and tears left his eyes. I put my arms around his shoulders, holding him against me as he cried. Logan's hands had fallen onto his belly and were tenderly caressing, as if he was holding our baby instead of his stomach. I wanted that too.<em>

_I slipped my hand under the blanket and under Logan's hospital gown, wanting to actually feel the skin that was closest to my baby inside of Logan. He pulled away a little to stare at me, tears slowly flowing down his cheeks. I wasn't doing much better myself, feeling an all too familiar wetness in the corners of my eyes as I gently rubbed with my thumb over his stomach._

_He reached out, his arms once again coming around my neck to pull me to him. I let my hand stay on his belly. "K-kendall, I l-love y-you so m-much," Logan stuttered between two sobs that were coming from his throat now. "T-thank you f-for t-taking m-me back and n-not h-hating me."_

_"Shh," I soothed. "It's okay, sweetie. I love you, I could never hate you."_

_He pulled me closer than I already was and hid his face in the crook of my neck. Luckily it were happy tears he was crying, so I wasn't really worried about him. I held him against me, feeling so intensely happy. I was ecstatic. Logan was pregnant, he was carrying our little baby in his belly right now. He was giving life to the third baby we'd been trying to have for so long and now it was finally true._

_"Kendall," He whispered when he stopped crying after a minute or ten. "You've no idea how much I worship you. It's all thanks to you this happened and I feel so incredibly happy right now, though I really don't deserve it after what I did."_

_"You deserve it too," I whispered in his ear. "Promise me to be careful, I don't want to go through everything we've been through the past months again because we lost the baby."_

_"I promise," He whispered instantly. "I'll watch what I eat and drink and I'll never lie to you about my health again."_

_I nodded and rubbed his back, wanting to hold him close like this until the baby was born just to make sure Logan was healthy and happy and pregnant until it was the right time to give birth. We hugged each other for a long time, sometimes Logan would let out a sob and cry a little, but neither of us ever let go of the other. We were too wrapped up in each other to care about anything else right now._

_I slowly pulled away when I felt my muscles starting to cramp from staying in the same position for too long. "No," Logan said desperately. "Don't go."_

_I didn't answer, just turned slight to swing my legs onto the bed and lean next to Logan against the mattress. He instantly pressed against my side and put his head on my shoulder, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist to keep me exactly where he wanted to have me. Right next to him. "I'm never leaving you again," He whispered. "Even if you murder someone, I don't care. I just want to be with you."_

_I kissed the top of his head multiple times and nuzzled his hair. "I love you," I said softly. He pressed impossibly closer, his face hid completely in my chest. I slowly ran my fingers through his hair and hummed 'You're beautiful' until he fell asleep. I kept my arms around him, wanting him close in his sleep as well. I then remembered gestational diabetes. I still had to ask Logan about that._

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><p>Yeah, the diabetes. When the doctor came back later with the new medicine for Logan, they explain to me that the first medicine -beta blockers- were bad for the baby. This new one was okay though, it wouldn't harm Logan or our little child. I'd asked what gestational diabetes exactly way and got the following answer:<p>

Gestational diabetes, also known as pregnancy diabetes, is a temporary kind of diabetes that will disappear after the birth of the baby. Logan was supposed to check his blood glucose level three times a day, before the meals, to check if everything was normal. If it was not, he had to give himself a shot with the kit he got. I had seen him using it and was pretty impressed.

Logan coldheartedly pushed a lancet into his skin and put the drop of blood that came free on a monitor that would tell him what his levels were at the moment. Then, if he needed to, he took the insulin pen, decided on dose of glucose he needed at that moment by dialing the numbers at one end of the pen and stabbed himself with it. After five seconds, all the fluid would be in his body and he was able to eat normally.

He didn't even flinch when he pushed the needle in his flesh, like he didn't even felt it. Maybe it was because he was a doctor... Anyway, he had to write down the results in a diary and mail them to Dr. Young once a week, he was the doctor we always went to when Logan was pregnant.

We talked about that too. About working and going to university. Logan immediately agreed with me when I said I wanted him to be careful. After thinking of a solution for a while, I reluctantly told him it might be good if he worked two short days, instead of one full one. In my eyes he was away from me longer in this way, but if it meant less pressure and stress on Logan, I would go on with it. For our baby.

We called Dr. Ewing and told him Logan was pregnant and explained him our plan. He understood and said he would handle it at the hospital. He was the first person we told Logan was pregnant and only because it was absolutely necessary. Logan and I had a silent agreement to not tell anyone until the third trimester, when the chance of a miscarriage was lower. We just didn't want to curse it. Neither of us would be able to handle it if we lost this baby and explaining to other people would only make it worse.

I was terrified we would loose the baby. We were so happy right now, the last few days were some of the best of my life. Logan was doing better than ever, his eyes shining constantly, bright enough to light a room. Sometimes, when he thought I wasn't looking, he would slowly rub his stomach, all the while smiling down at it.

But what would happen to him if he lost our baby? Would he be able to live that down? Would it be like the past few months, that he pushed me away again to not deal with the pain? Would it be like the months after Jett happened? Would he turn into a mute, terrified mess again? Or would he find a new way to deal with his feelings? Another way that would slowly kill me inside as I watched him crumble down to a soulless human being?

I couldn't do that again. I've felt how it was to think Logan was dead, I knew exactly what it was like to have him away from me, I knew how it was to loose him, to live without him. It was hardly a life. I wanted to prevent that, but to do that I needed Logan to be careful. I'd searched online for all food that were bad for the baby and put the list on the fridge. Logan was forbidden to take any of it and he agreed, for the biggest part. He hated me for taking his precious morning coffee away.

He lived with it, but only because it was better for the baby.

Today we had to go to the doctor for the first check up. He would tell us how far the pregnancy was along and search for any complications. Like the first two, Logan had to go to him once a week, because this was a high risk pregnancy after all. Even more because of the diabetes that was added to the picture.

And Logan would get an ultrasound. The best invention the medical world ever did in my opinion, because now we would get to see our little baby and hear his or her little heartbeat. I was pretty excited for it and hoped everything was alright, I was done with all the worrying for a while. Definitely.

I sighed and took a look at the clock. 8 am. It was okay though, today the kids didn't have to go to school. Katie was taking them and Lizzy to the wedding rehearsal and tonight they would sleep over at her house so they could be dressed up and all in the morning. The only thing Logan and I had to worry about was being on time.

And we had the whole day to ourselves.

I grinned, knowing exactly how we were going to be spending it. I never read anything about sex being bad for the baby. The opposite was true, the baby would see his parents liked each other a lot. I did read that somewhere, there was no way Logan could tell me otherwise. Not that he ever said no to love making...

I kissed his cheek and carefully slipped out of bed, not wanting him to wake up yet. I quietly got out of my boxers and grabbed a towel before going into the bathroom. I got in the shower and turned the water on hot, loving the burning water on my skin in the morning. I went through my normal routine and decided I had to shave today. Logan liked it when I shaved. And he liked love making better after I shaved. He was so weird.

After I shaved I got out of the shower and dried myself quickly. Keira and Kegan could wake up any minute and I wanted to be done by then. We had to keep them busy until Dak picked them up at 11. I went back into the room, smiling when I saw Logan turning towards me, his eyes open. "That's definitely a good sight to wake up to," He said and climbed out of bed, walking over to me.

I smiled and put my arms around his waist, smiling down at him. "Morning, sweetie." I leaned in and kissed him gently, then pulled away.

Logan pouted and I laughed. "I don't want any children walking in on me when I'm naked, Logie. That's awkward."

"I like it when you're naked."

I chuckled and gave him a quick kiss. "Later."

Logan's face lit up and he pulled me back, cupping my face in his hands. "I love it when you just shaved," He said and put his arms around my neck, pressing his cheek against mine.

I let him hug me for a while, but eventually pulled away. "Still naked," I explained.

"Oh, right. I'll take a shower now. See you downstairs." He gave me a last kiss and then went into the bathroom. I dressed and went to Kegan's room, finding him playing on the ground with some cars. He was sweet like that, just playing on his own when everyone else was still sleeping.

"Hey, buddy," I said and picked him up. "Did you sleep well?"

He nodded, but he was still too tired to answer. Maybe he just woke up too. I helped him get dressed in his favorite shirt and pants, before taking him to the bathroom. "Brush your teeth good, okay? I'm going to check before you get breakfast."

He nodded and I gave him his toothbrush, then went off to Keira's room. She was still asleep, lying on her side, face turned away from me. I sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook her. "Wake up, Keke. You're going to rehearse auntie Katie's wedding today, remember? You get to wear your pretty dress again."

When Keira got home after fitting her dress she was so excited and couldn't wait for the wedding. She liked wearing it and told us all about it, but her description wasn't so good and I still had no idea what it looked like exactly. Keira was happy though, and that was what mattered.

She turned on her back and smiled sleepily. I helped her sitting up. "What do you want to wear today?"

"The stripes."

"Stripes it is," I said and pulled the shirt with pink and purple stripes out of the closet. "Are you going to do it yourself?"

"Yes."

"Okay, baby. Don't forget to brush your teeth, I'm going to inspect you today."

She nodded and I left. About three weeks ago I noticed that if I left them alone when they were brushing their teeth, they would just stop doing it and start playing together. When I found out, I told them I was going to inspect their teeth and if they weren't as they should be, they would go to bed earlier until they did it right.

They did what I said after that. Sometimes being a father wasn't so much fun.

I went downstairs and started breakfast, just cereal for a chance, I didn't feel like working today. I grimaced at the word 'work'; I had tons if work to do. The storm completely ruined my garden. I almost cried when I saw it, all those days I worked on it were for nothing. I had to start all over again. The past few days Logan and I threw all the dead plants away and tried to save the ones that were still in the ground. Yesterday we were finally done and it was so horrible.

Logan had been my inspiration for that garden, he was the reason it turned out so beautifully and I couldn't take it it was all gone now. It helped Logan was standing right next to me when I looked over my ruined garden, at least I had him back. He promised to help me with rebuilding it and would come with me to buy plants.

I sighed and put the bowls on the table. When Logan went inside to use the bathroom, I checked up on my secret place and surprisingly, it was still there. It was exactly the same as before the storm, only the pillows were wet, of course. I still didn't know if I as going to show it to Logan or not. It was my place, a secret place no one knew about and I felt safe there. I feared that if I let Logan in it wouldn't feel the same anymore. I didn't want that.

Maybe I would do it today...

Kegan came down first and tugged on my leg. "Papa, look at my teeth! They're really good!" He said enthusiastically.

I smiled. He came to me about it, then I was sure he really did it. If he didn't do it, I had to force him to open his mouth. Kids were so easy to read. I crouched down in front of me. "Okay, buddy. Show me."

He opened his mouth as wide as he could and I pulled on an inspecting face. "Looks great, Kegie. Good job!" He beamed and closed his mouth again. "Go eat your breakfast. Do you know if Keira's ready yet?"

"She's almost done," He told me.

"Okay." I sat down in my chair at the table. Logan and Keira came down together only a minute later. "Keira, did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes. Daddy checked."

I looked up at Logan and he nodded. "Okay, come eat then."

They sat down too and we ate breakfast, talking about Katie's wedding a bit and that she was going to be a mommy soon. They were excited to see their new cousin and I hoped they would be just as happy to get another sibling.

"Why don't we've a mommy?" Kegan asked curiously.

"Would you want one?" Logan asked.

"No, I want you," He said and Keira nodded in agreement. "But why don't we've a mommy?"

"We didn't need one," I said while looking at Logan.

"Why would you need a mommy?" Kegan asked confused.

"Babies come from mommies," Keira told him. His eyes grew wide in fear. "Then where is ours?"

"Listen, Kegan," I started. "Normally, babies grow in the belly of a woman."

"How does it get there?" He asked curiously.

"When two grown-up people love each other very much they… cuddle together and then the baby appears."

"Oh."

"Daddy and I didn't need a lady to get you, because you two grew in daddy's belly."

I reached out behind me and opened the small closet we had in the kitchen. I grabbed one of the photo books and searched in it until I found a picture of me and Logan while he was pregnant with Keira. I placed the book in front of him and pointed to it. Logan grimaced when hesaw it. Hedidn'tlike it to go on pictures at all while he'd been pregnant. He said he didn't want memories of when he was 'fat'.

"So daddy is the mommy?" Kegan asked. Logan bit his lip and looked away.

"In one way, yes. But daddy's a guy, Kegan. A very special one, because he could get you and Keira."

He nodded again and looked up at Logan. "I don't want a mommy when I can have two daddies," He said and climbed into Logan's lap. He stood on Logan's legs and wrapped his little arms around Logan's neck. "Don't cry, daddy. Papa always looks sad when you do that," He whispered a little too loud.

"He does, doesn't he?" Logan said softly after glancing at me over Kegan's head. "You're sweet, little guy."

He smiled and kissed Logan's cheek. "Logie love."

"Logie love, baby." Logan held Kegan tightly, but released him when Kegan started squirming.

"Papa, give the book, I wanna see more," Kegan said. I gave him the book and het started going through it. "Is that Keira?" He asked, pointing to a tiny baby in a bassinet.

"Yes, that's Keira."

"Where are my pictures?"

"Your pictures are in the next book, but let's finish this one first, okay?"

Kegan nodded, giggling softly at some of the pictures he saw. Keira was looking too, interested by the memories they held.

"Look there's Keira at our wedding," Logan said, pointing to a little toddler in a pink dress.

"Where was I when you married?" Kegan asked.

"Right here." Logan put his finger on the stomach of picture Logan. "You weren't born yet, but you were there with us."

We watched more pictures and the kids occasionally asked questions about them. Both were really interested in Kegan's pictures, the ones where he was lying in an incubator. I explained them Kegan was born too early and hat to stay in the hospital for a long time before he was allowed to go home. I didn't tell them why Logan give birth to him so early. That was a story for when they were older. Much older.

By the time we finished looking through the picture books Dak was here to pick them up. I gave my brother in law the overnight bag I packed for them and Logan and I said goodbye to our kids, then they were gone.

As soon as the door closed I went back to the kitchen and wrapped my arms around Logan's waist from behind. He was standing by the counter, just finishing up some of the dishes. He moaned quietly when he felt my lips on his neck. "Three hours until we've to go to the doctor's," I muttered, "You're gonna be sore.

He moaned loader and turned in my embrace, instantly going for my lips. I put my hands under his thighs and lifted him onto the counter, pushing his legs apart so I could stand between them. Logan kissed me eagerly, his fingers getting tangled in my hair.

I kissed him back hard, eager to get intimate with Logan. He pulled at my hair and wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me closer. I smirked into the kiss, I forced my tongue in his mouth and pressed all sensitive spots, making Logan putty in my hands. I ran my hands down his chest and slipped them under his shirt, quickly trailing them up to his chest.

Logan was melting under my hands, his grip on my hair getting looser. I rubbed his chest, thumbing his nipples. Logan whined softly, his hands falling to my shoulders. I pulled away from his lips, kissing over his jaw to his neck. I found sucked gently on his neck, my hands traveling down his chest and tracing my fingers over his belly before settling my hands on his hips.

Logan got some of his self control back and started unbuttoning my shirt. I growled and scraped with my teeth over his skin, making him whimper and shiver for a moment before continuing undressing me. I moved up again, sucking his earlobe in my mouth and softly biting in it. I moaned at the feeling of Logan's soft hands on my chest and squeezed his hips, pulling him closer.

I had enough of his ear and captured his lips again, not bothering with asking access and just invading his mouth. Logan pushed his nails in my skin, I growled again and moved my hands lower, my fingers slipping under the waistband of his jeans. Logan gasped in surprise and I chuckled, amused by his reaction. "What's the matter, Logie?" I whispered seductively as I cupped his cheeks and squeezed. "Don't you want me to take you right here?"

"Ken-Kendall, f-fuck," He moaned and put his arms around my neck.

I smirked. "Certainly."

Logan gasped as I picked him up, wrapping his arms and legs tightly around me. My intention was to carry him all the way up to our room, but once Logan recovered from the shock he began kissing my neck and shoulder, slowly getting lower to my collar bones. My mind fogged and instead of going to the stairs, I pressed him up against the wall, loving the moan Logan let out from the feeling of being pressed between me and the wall.

I caught his lips and kissed him forcefully, showing him exactly who he belonged to and where he was going to be for the rest of his life. I rolled my lips, moaning when I felt the tight material of my jeans rubbing against my hard on. I pulled one hand out of his pants and put my fingers on his lips. "Suck."

I watched how Logan parted his lips a tiny bit, his tongue escaping the warm inside of his mouth to give small licks to the tips of my fingers. He stared in my eyes, knowing exactly what he was doing to me and absolutely loving it. He bit softly in my finger, before sucking them inside his mouth and swirling his tongue around them in the most sensual and dirty way that would've made me pee my pants if I wasn't so turned on.

However, we were rudely interrupted by our 'best friends.' "Hello!" Carlos yelled as soon as he opened the front door. I cursed myself for not locking it.

"Go away!" I yelled, smirking at Logan when he started blushing furiously. "We're busy!"

They walked into the kitchen a moment later and looked awkward when they saw the position we were in; Logan pressed up against the wall, his arms and legs around me, the front of my shirt hanging open, one of my hands in Logan's pants and the other in his mouth. "So you really were busy..." Carlos said uncomfortably, looking down at his shoes. "We'll come back later."

"No," I sighed and pulled away from Logan, gently helping him back on his feet. "Just tell us and then stay the fuck away for the rest of the day." I took his hand and led him to the table, I sat down and pulled him in my lap. I bit back a moan when he shifted a bit to get comfortable and accidentally brushed over my still hard member with his butt. Or maybe not so accidental.

"Okay," Carlos said happily. He and James sat down too. "We're going out tonight."

Logan and I kept silent, until I realized Carlos expected an answer. "...And?"

"We were wondering if you wanted to join us," James said.

I looked at Logan, I didn't mind going, but if he wasn't up for it I wasn't going either. Logan just shrugged. "Sure. Where are we going?"

"We don't know yet. That's why we came here. We agreed it was lame Dak didn't have a bachelor party and we decided to create one ourselves, but then without Dak, because he's a loser."

I laughed, I couldn't help but agree to that a little. Dak let himself be bossed around by Katie and didn't do anything about it. "Sounds good."

Logan shifted in my lap again and now I knew he was doing it on purpose. I casually dropped my hand on his leg and rubbed slowly up and down, putting a little more pressure to warn him. "Yeah, it's a great idea. I'll drive back, then you guys can drink," Logan lied easily. Driving back was a good excuse to not drink any alcohol tonight without needing to explain to James and Carlos why he wasn't drinking.

"Thanks, Logan," James said. "Well, Carlos and I will go home and find a place to go to, then you two can go finish your... business."

They both grinned widely and I rolled my eyes. "What time do we have to be ready?" I asked.

"Around nine, I think. We'll come here when we're ready."

I nodded. "Okay. See you tonight."

"Have fun," Carlos said. James smirked and then they were gone. Stupid friends, like they weren't going to do exactly the same. I bet that if I walked over there in ten minutes they would be fucking too.

As soon as the door closed behind them Logan turned in my lap until he was straddling me and attacked my lips. I slipped my hands in his pants again, picking up where we left off. He moaned, his hands moving over my chest, his fingers tracing my abs. "Not funny what you did," I muttered between his kisses.

"No idea what you're talking about," He whispered innocently.

I growled and squeezed his cheeks, forcing his crotch into mine. "Grinding into me in front of our friends. Not cool, baby."

Logan giggled and kissed my neck, licking a line up to my ear. "You loved it," He whispered and bit my earlobe.

I moaned and pulled him to me again. Logan got the hint and rolled his hips against mine, creating the friction we were both craving. He left my ear to go back to my lips, kissing me greedily. I moved with him, distracting him with my hands on his ass and quickly taking over control. He kept grinding into me, faster and harder as our kiss turned wilder.

I didn't notice until it was too late, but when Logan grinded his hips against mine the chair started wobbling and at one particularly hard roll of his hips the chair fell over. I quickly grabbed Logan, an instinctive reaction to protect him and the baby. I groaned when the chair hit the ground, a sharp pain shooting up my spine.

Logan started laughing again while I was perishing of the pain, the chair pushing painfully in my back. After a minute Logan noticed I wasn't having as much fun as he was having and looked at me worriedly. "You okay?"

"No," I groaned. "Get off me."

He did and kneeled down next to me, carefully helping me off the chair. "I'm sorry, Kendall," He whispered when he saw my painful face. "I didn't mean to laugh while you're hurt."

"It's okay. I think it's over-" I whimpered in pain when I tried straightening my back and quickly bent again, the pain in my lower back killing me.

Logan looked at my worriedly and came closer, carefully wrapping his arms around my waist. "Where does it hurt?" He asked softly.

"Below, but don't touch it, it h-hurt-aaahh," I whimpered again when I felt his hands pushing in my back. He probably did it gently, but it still felt like an elephant was stamping on my lower back.

"Poor baby," Logan whispered in my ear. "Try to relax, I'll fix it."

I nodded, pressing my face in the crook of his neck and relaxed my body, while every muscle told me not to. He softly kissed my neck, effectively distracting me from the pain. After a minute I hardly felt his fingers pushing and probing my back. I was just about to tell Logan it was over, when he hit hard on a certain spot. "Oh! Fuck!" I yelled and pulled away from Logan not wanting anymore pain like that.

"Sorry," He said apologetically. "But it worked, right?"

"No! It fucking hurt- hey, I don't feel pain anymore!"

He smiled. "That was the point."

I slowly tried standing up, my back felt tender and I probably had to be careful for a while, but it didn't hurt and I could smile again. Oh, how I loved having a doctor as my husband. "Thank you," I said gratefully and pulled Logan towards me for a hug.

He smiled and rested his head on my chest. "You're welcome."

I put my chin on his head and stared out of the window. "I don't think god wants us to make love today."

"I can change that," He said smugly, running his hands over my stomach.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea with my back and all..."

"Sure it is..." He whispered seductively. "I'll ride you... You don't have to do anything..."

I moaned quietly, my semi erect member jumping back to life. Logan smirked, one of his hands traveling down to the front of my pants and slowly fondly me. He stopped after a minute and took my hand, tugging on it to get my attention. "Let's go upstairs."

I nodded and let Logan pull me to the stairs, up to our room. I closed the door behind us and encircled Logan's waist, pressing up against him and kissing him deeply. He put his arms around my neck and turned us 180 degrees until I was with my back towards the bed. He hooked his thumbs in my shirt and pushed my already open shirt off my shoulders.

While he started working on the button of my jeans I pulled his shirt up over his head. It got stuck on his arms, since he was still working on my jeans. I popped his button and pushed his pants down as I stepped out of mine. My eyes wandered over the beautiful body of the love of my life and smirked when I once again realized it was all mine.

Logan looked up at me, his eyes glued to my face. I put my hands on his cheeks, gently cradling his face before I leaned in to kiss him softly and rested my forehead against his. "I love you."

"I love you too," He whispered, his hands gripping my wrists. I kissed him again, this time deeper and more passionate, eager to get on with this and be close to him again.

Logan pushed me down on the bed, straddling me the moment I laid down. He reached over me and grabbed the lube. He squeezed some onto his hand and divided the lube over my member, before sitting over it and guiding it to his entrance. "You aren't prepared," I whispered, not wanting him to have pain.

"I'll be fine, Kendall. We made love so much the last few days I don't really need any preparation."

I smirked. "True." I put my hands on his hips to held him steady as he slowly lowered himself down on me. He moaned quietly when I was fully in, taking a moment to get used to the feeling before he started rolling his hips. He put his hands on my chest to brace himself when he started moving faster, his eyes closed in pleasure and concentration.

I ran my hands over his sides to his legs and up again, pulling him forward when I felt the urge to kiss him grow. I put my arms around his waist and connected our lips, tongue and teeth quickly coming in to add at the pleasure we were experiencing. Logan rolled his hips and I thrust up shallowly, still not completely released from the pain in my back.

Neither of us lasted very long, the long foreplay that was severally interrupted taking away some of the need. I pumped Logan when I felt I was getting close, bringing him over the edge just before I released myself inside Logan. He collapsed on top of me, his ear pressed to the left side of my chest where my heart was. I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed the top of his head, patiently waiting until he caught his breathe again.

"We shouldn't have showered this morning," He muttered. "Now we've to go again before we go to Dr. Young."

I chuckled. "We could go together."

"Then we'll end up doing dirty things again."

"What's wrong with that? We're under the water, we can get clean and have some more fun."

He smiled. "Okay."

I ran my fingers through his hair and kept my arm tight around his waist. I was perfectly fine with having him on top of me for a while, the fact he was close to me kept me calm and made me worry less. At least I was there when something happened with him or the baby. I wanted to feel Logan's stomach, search for any sign of a baby bump, but sadly the baby was too small to form a bump in his daddy's belly.

We laid there for a while, but then Logan noticed we only had an hour left before we had to be at the hospital for the first check up. We got up and showered together quickly, we didn't have time to do the things I wanted to do. I would just make time for that later, maybe when we got back from the hospital or when we were at the place James and Carlos would take us to.

Forty minutes later we were in the car on our way to the doctor. Logan was excited and didn't try to hide it at all; he wants to see our baby. I wanted that too, but there was still that fear something was wrong and Logan would be devastated once he found out. Or maybe he wasn't pregnant at all, the only sign was the diabetes, but who knew, maybe it was just a normal type 2 after all. We didn't exactly do a pregnancy test or something...

I held Logan's hand as we walked inside, always feeling small when I stood in the big hall of the hospital. Logan pulled me to the elevators and brought us to the right section, after coming here so many times I still got lost. I just didn't take the effort to remember the way. He leaned into my side as we sat in the waiting room that was really quiet. Only one other couple was there, but that lady was a lot further along then Logan was. She was probably having multiples, since her bump was really large. Or her baby was just fat.

"Hey, Kendall. I was thinking..."

"Do I have to be afraid?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. I was just wondering if we have to go to a gay club tonight. I've never actually thought of us as two guys being together."

I raised an eyebrow. "So you think you're a girl? That's a first."

He chuckled. "You're a jerk. No, seriously. It was always just Kendall and Logan and we never really had someone who reacted badly about us being together. It was just accepted, which was why I was never worried about it. But if we're going out I don't really know what to do. I mean, we're two guys being together, are we even allowed in a normal club if we act like a couple? Are we forced to go to an all-man club? That would be weird right, because girls can get into a gay club. But can guys come into a lesbian club? I don't think so... Hey why-"

I laughed and pulled him against me. His little rant has been so funny. "You're adorable," I said and kissed his forehead.

"Yeah, but what do we do Kendall? I do really want to go out, but-"

I stopped him from talking any more by kissing him softly. "Stop. We're going where ever we want to go."

"But-"

I kissed him again, gently running my fingers though his hair. "Shut up," I whispered lovingly.

"Kend-"

"We go to a club that looks fun. If it's a gay club, we won't have any trouble. If it's a normal club, we go inside and we dance. If anyone has a problem with it, we'll deal with it then."

Logan stared at me as if he saw the sun for the first time. "I guess that works."

I smiled and nuzzled our noses together, making Logan giggle. "I rather go to a straight club though."

"Hmm. Why?" Logan mumbled and moved his hands up under my shirt.

"I don't want all those hot gay men hitting on you."

"And you think I don't get hit on in a straight club?" His eyes widened a little as he started blinking cutely, like those females always do in movies.

"Damn," I whispered and kissed him. Logan responded eagerly, opening his mouth before I could ask for it and moved with me as I pleased.

"Ah. Can't wait till tonight," I muttered when I pulled away. "You're gonna be all mine for the whole night and everyone will see it."

"I was going to be all yours even if there was no one to watch." He trailed his fingers over my arm.

"I know, sweetie, and I love you for it. It's just that I finally have you back again and I want the whole world to see you're mine."

He smiled at me and snuggled his face into my chest. "I love you."

"I love you too, Logie."

He looked up at me and stole a quick kiss. "When we're done here, we should go buy flowers and plants to put in the garden. I miss how it looked like before, you really did a good job, Kendall."

I grinned widely. "Really?"

"Yes, it was beautiful and I'm sure you'll make it even more beautiful than it was before. And we're close to the center now anyways."

"I really like that, Logie. Thank you."

"'Everything for you, sweetie.'"

"Hey! That's my line!"

"Doesn't mean I don't mean it."

I smiled happily and kissed him gently. "I love you."

"I love you too," He said softly.

"Mr. Knight?" Dr. Young called into the waiting room. We got up, Logan slipped his hand in mine and together we walked off to the examination room. We shook hands with the doctor, Logan sat on the table and I took the chair next to it.

"Can you pull your shirt up? I'm on a tight schedule today, so we can talk while doing the ultrasound and most of the things I'm going to tell you, you already now. Do I have to call you dr. Knight now?"

"Not yet, two months left and then I'll be done. Finally."

"That's a good thing. I suggest you don't start working for a while. It's better for you and the baby to stay calm and relaxed during the whole pregnancy, being a doctor is stressful and with your diabetes it's really not the best thing to do."

I agreed with the doctor immediately. Logan bit his lip and nodded too, clearly a lot less happy with this advice. He looked at me and smiled sadly, but I knew he knew it was for the best. It was a disappointment for him, I got that. After for years of studying he wanted to finally start working as a real doctor instead of an intern, but I also knew Logan gave more about our baby more than about being a doctor.

And the idea of having Logan home for six months, even longer if he had to rest after giving birth, made me very, very happy.

Dr. Young squeezed gel onto Logan's stomach and grabbed the transducer that was going to show us our baby. I grabbed Logan's hand, getting more nervous for the moment of truth. I wanted to see our baby and I was so scared we may not even have one, that the female doctor from Sunday made a mistake and we're so happy for nothing. Logan was nervously chewing on his bottom lip while he stared intently at the screen for any sign of our baby.

After a minute he sighed in relieve and his face lit up, letting me know he saw what we were looking for, although it was pretty invisible to me until the doctor pointed it out. Logan never had an ultrasound this early in his pregnancy and the black spot on the monitor looked more like a bean. It was cute, I loved it.

Dr. Young changed the angle and now we had a better view on it. I could see tiny limbs now. I grinned and squeezed Logan's hand, he smiled at me but quickly looked back at the screen. I turned back to the monitor too, wanting to see as much of our baby as possible in the short time we had. "I would say you're about six weeks pregnant," Dr. Young said. "Everything looks great."

He pulled the transducer away and Logan sighed, looking at me pitifully. The doctor gave him some paper towels to wipe his stomach and then went to his desk where Logan's folder was lying open. He took a look at the numbers Logan wrote down about his blood glucose level. "I think if you go on like this, everything will be fine, Logan. If your levels change suddenly, check every hour for the rest of the day to make sure they go back to normal."

Logan nodded seriously.

The doctor turned to me and showed me a small orange box. "This is an emergency kit. Unfortunately it's possible that Logan's levels drop when he's asleep, that's what I think happened on Sunday. He'll start whimpering and sweating and will pass out. As soon as you notice either of these things, you have to use this." He handed me the kit.

In the next five minutes he explained me how to use it and what signs I should see after I gave Logan the shot. If he didn't turn to normal in ten minutes, I had to call 911. If he did wake up and was able to answer the questions I asked him, I had to get him something sweet with lots of sugar to eat, in that way he wouldn't have a hypoglycemia again. "The best things to give him are sweets or a sugary fruit juice or energy drink. Basically everything with sugar is good."

I nodded, looking at Logan. He was looking down at the floor, shuffling his feet uncomfortably. I was going to ask him about that later. "The last advice I have is to eat healthy. And then I don't only mean the kind of food you eat, but also how often. The best thing to do is eat three meals a day and eat a snack if you're hungry, preferably fruit. Never skip a meal and be careful with sugar. You don't want your levels to get too high. Check if you're not sure. Drink lots of water and try some light exercises. Nothing too crazy, because that's dangerous for the baby."

Logan nodded. He probably knew all this already, but I was glad the doctor told it anyway. Now I could keep an eye out too and make sure everything was okay. I was also glad with the emergency kit, now I wasn't completely helpless when something happened to Logan. We made another appointment for next week and said goodbye to Dr. Young, before walking back to the car.

As soon as we were both seated I started the car and started driving to the garden centre I always went to when I needed things for the garden. "Why were you so uncomfortable when the doctor was talking about the emergency kit?" I asked when I had to stop for red light.

"I don't like it you have to do yet another thing for me," He said softly.

"I don't mind doing things for you," I told him.

"I know that, but it makes me feel so helpless and dependent. If something happens to me, you are responsible for helping me and I don't want to put that kind of pressure on you. You'll beat yourself up if something goes wrong and I don't want that."

The light was green and I had to keep my eyes on the road, but I reached out for Logan's hand and squeezed gently. "I'll be fine, sweetie. I'm getting pretty good at handling situations like sunday. I had enough practice. Did you ever wonder why it's always you who ends up in the hospital and not me?"

"I'm glad it's me, Kendall," He whispered. "I've studied whole my life to be a doctor, I know what to do in every situation, but I don't see myself handling like you do if something happens to you. I admire that."

I kept quiet for a moment and ran my thumb over his knuckles. "Maybe I'll never have to use the shot, Logie. If you follow that diet and all."

"I will," He promised. "I never want to feel like I felt on Sunday."

I smiled at him and pulled his hand to my mouth to give it a kiss. A few minutes later we reached the center and went inside. I inhaled deeply, loving the smell here. Logan took a cart and we started our search for plants and flowers. "Do you have an idea of what you want?" Logan asked as he looked around.

I thought about it, then slowly nodded. "I want colors. A lot of different colors, sorts and sizes. But we'll need more small flowers than big ones."

He nodded. "Okay. I'll go look for... well, everything."

I grinned and took the other side, quickly finding the plants I was looking for. I needed dahlias, lots and lots of dahlias. And roses, definitely roses. And tulips and lilies and rosemary. And I wanted apple trees. I didn't had those before, but I fell hard for apple blossom when I saw that in a documentary on TV. And to have your own apples was a major plus.

I carried the flowers to the cart and saw that Logan put some in it already. Lavender and wisteria. I smiled, loving both the flowers and went back to get the other plants I picked out. When I put the second load in the cart, Logan got back too, carrying two large sunflowers. I grinned widely, happy that he remembered my favorite flower and quickly took them from him when I saw he was having troubles with them. "Thanks," He said gratefully. "Look, I got seeds too! Then you can plant some yourself."

I put the flowers down and pulled him in for a deep kiss, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. He sighed into it and moved with me, his hands sliding into my hair. "Fuck, I love you," I whispered when I pulled away and leaned in again for another kiss, this time softer.

"They're just seeds," He muttered shyly.

I smiled, kissing his forehead. "I think we've enough for today. We'll have to come back for more, but this is all I can plant in one day."

"All we can plant in one day, you mean. I'm helping you."

"So you can poison those poor flowers again?"

"Kendall! That was one time! I know the difference between weed poison and plant food now."

"We'll see, Logie. But you're not doing the heavy work. And we have to grab some food on the way home. You need to eat, it's been six hours since breakfast."

He nodded. "Okay. Let's go pay."

We did that and loaded everything into the car, the two small apple trees only just fitting in the car. We picked up some sandwiches at the bakery on the corner from our house where I always got those good cookies. Once home we brought everything to the backyard and ate on the grass. The weather was beautiful, like the storm never happened.

When we were done eating we started working. I was doing all the hard work, shoveling the ground and digging the holes where the plants had to come into the ground. Logan was taking all the paper and bindings of the plants, he was having a lot of fun, especially when I took my shirt off to get a bit cooler in this heat.

I was done with the ground and put the plants in the right spots, creating exactly the image I had in my mind. I took the branches of the wisteria and tangled them in the fence. The two young trees on either side and the sunflowers between them. I put the middle large plants in front of them and the smallest, more delicate flower in the front. It was a cheerful sight and I was happy with the result. I fell down in the grass and gave instructions to Logan who was giving them water. He laid down in the grass next to me and put his head on my stomach.

"It's really beautiful, Kendall," He said impressed.

"You helped too, you know."

"I barely did anything, you did the real work."

"You picked out flowers."

"You made them look beautiful."

I chuckled and played with his hair. "Thanks, Logie."

He turned his head and smiled at me before closing his eyes and enjoying the sun on his skin. "What time is it?" I muttered.

"Six thirty."

I sighed. "We have to get ready for tonight."

"Hm. Not feeling like getting up yet."

"We'll have to, sweetie. We have to shower, again, and eat something before James and Carlos get here."

He looked up at me, pouting. I smiled at him and sat up, his head falling into my lap. I bent over and pressed a kiss to his lips, remembering I had plans to show him my secret place. In one second I took the decision; I wanted to show him. I wanted Logan to see the result of the pain and loneliness I felt when he wasn't here. "I want to show you something," I whispered to his lips.

Logan looked up curiously and sat up, interested in what I wanted to show him. I helped him on his legs and held his hand tightly. I could feel his surprise when I walked towards the hedge instead of the house, but I ignored it and looked to the ground to hide my expression. I climbed through the small opening, looking around for a moment to see if everything was still as it was supposed to be, before helping Logan inside.

I sat down on my pillow and waited for Logan to take place on his. He was at a loss of words, his mouth hanging open as he looked around. He dropped onto the pillow and gaping at the place I created. All the dahlias, the pictures, the light spots dancing in the grass because of the leaves that put the roof over this hole. My memory cave.

I was too deep in thoughts to talk yet. I didn't even acknowledge him sitting there until a few minutes later. I had always thought that once Logan took place on his pillow the whole thing would finally feel good. And it did. Logan was in my secret place, he absolutely loved it.

But he didn't belong here.

This was where I went when I was so depressed I couldn't be anywhere near people or anything else. Afraid I was going to hurt someone or myself. It was where I let the tears stream freely and didn't bother to wipe them away, because no one would ever see them. It was where I thought of Logan, let all my frustrations go and just think of him. This was where I flew to different places back in time, just to watch Logan sleep or feel his lips on mine again, because I missed it all so fucking much. Logan being here wasn't right. It was my place. I created it and I wanted to keep it. It was mine, I didn't want to share, not even with my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life. He wasn't in his place. All this was supposed to make me happy again, make me forget about my real situation and have my Logan back in my arms for a few minutes. My imaginary Logie who didn't push me away and stayed my little, innocent baby that couldn't hurt a fly.

"I made a mistake," I said quickly and got up again. "You're not supposed to be in here. It's my place, now you've seen it and know where I'm going when I disappear, I want you to leave again."

He smiled sadly and nodded. "That's okay. It's lovely, Kendall, and I understand why you want to keep it to yourself. I won't come here anymore." He got up too and put his arms around my neck, kissing me softly. Without another word he turned around an climbed out of it, leaving me with my memories.

I sat back down on my pillow, immediately feeling more comfortable with the whole situation. It was like it was supposed to be again, me and my memories of Logan. Where no one would ever interrupt me.

I didn't stay there long, after all I had the real Logan waiting for me right outside. But when I got out too, I didn't see Logan anywhere. The backdoor was open though, so I knew he went inside. I took my dirty shoes off before going inside, following my nose to the kitchen. Logan was warming up the left-over spaghetti from last night in a frying pan and smiled when I came in, so I knew he wasn't mad I made him leave my secret place.

I put my hands on his hips and kissed his cheek. "Love you," I whispered in his ear. I slipped one of my hands under his shirt on his stomach and rubbed softly.

He leaned back against me, while he continued to stir the food in the pan. "Kendall, are you going to be there often?" He asked softly.

"No, I don't think so. Why?"

"I want to be as good as the Logan you're imagining there," He whispered. "Am I?"

"You're better, Logan. You're so much better," I told him softly. "When I'm there I think back to things we did, moments we had. I'm not imagining a better you, I'm just reliving things we did together, but I prefer being with you, the real you, over anything."

He nodded. "Okay," He said quietly.

"C'mon, let's eat and take another shower together. We're going to have some fun tonight."

* * *

><p>Four hours later we set foot in the first club we'd ever been to. Maybe not the first, but it was the first we entered to have fun instead of work. "Alright, have fun," James said. He patted my back when he walked past me, pulling an excited Carlos with him.<p>

I looked down at Logan, raising my eyebrows and nodding to the dancing crowd. He smiled and nodded, I held his hand tightly as I made my way through the partying people. There was no way I was going to lose Logan now. I made it towards the dance floor and went in further, till I reached the middle.

I turned around and pulled Logan against me. He grinned at me and put his arms around my neck. It had been such a long time since we last danced together, and that wasn't even close to this. An up tempo beat, sweating bodies all around you... No, it was nowhere near the slow dance we had at our wedding.

It took a while before we got used to it, but eventually we found the rhythm and started moving on the beat. It felt so sensual to have Logan's tiny body against me like this, the way he moved along with me. Rubbing and caressing in all the right places, it felt awesome.

Logan grinned at me and danced a little closer to me. I smiled back and moved my hands lower, until I reached his ass. I hooked my thumbs in his jeans and kept my fingers on his butt. I loved the face Logan made. His eyes fluttered closed and his mouth opened a little, as if he was moaning. I couldn't hear it of course, because of the loud music.

However, Logan wasn't giving up yet and pushed himself against me. He grinded against me, not caring about other people around us -they were practically having sex too. I growled and Logan smirked satisfied.

But I wasn't going to give up. I never gave up when I was going to win. So I took it a step further. I grabbed his hips and forced his legs apart with my knee. I used my height to my advantage as I put pressure on his crotch. I felt Logan's knees buckle and grabbed onto him tighter so he wouldn't fall.

"Giving up yet, sweetie?" I asked, my lips on his ear.

"N-never," He said, but his voice sounded weak.

"I heard that before. You always gave in. Give up, Logie."

He smiled at me and kissed me sweetly, before turning around and grinding his ass in my crotch. "Fuck," I muttered, wrapping my arms around his waist to keep him against me. "That's hot. Don't stop," I told him after I leaned towards his ear to talk to him.

"So I win?" He asked me happily.

"Sure. As long as you don't stop."

"Wasn't planning on it. Feels good to make you this aroused."

"Like you aren't." I moved one hand down to the front of his pants to prove my point.

"Never said I wasn't," He said, resting his head back on my shoulder and nibbled on my earlobe. "Hmm. Kendall," He moaned.

"Fuck, Logan. We've to be alone soon."

I suddenly felt a hand on my back and froze, until I heard James' laugh. "C'mon, horndogs. We're gonna get a drink before you're going to fuck each other right here."

I nodded and tugged on Logan softly. He looked up and saw James behind me. I jerked my head towards the bar to show him what we were going to do. He nodded and grabbed my hand, letting me pull him along. I followed James to a booth on the side of the club, where Carlos was already sitting. "Alright. You sit down, I get beer," James said and disappeared.

Logan snuggled into my side, grabbing my arm and putting it around him. Carlos rolled his eyes, but smiled and didn't say anything. He was going to snuggle with James too the moment he got back.

"So did you amuse yourselves?" He asked as he played with a drinking card.

"Yeah. We did actually," I replied, slowly rubbing Logan's stomach.

I held Logan against me while I talked with Carlos and waited for James to come back. He did a few minutes later, holding three beers and one bottle of water. James sat down next to Carlos and gave everyone a drink, before pulling the Latino closer. "So how long are you exactly pregnant?" James asked casually.

"Six weeks- wait, how do you know that?" Logan asked surprised. I raised my eyebrows, wondering how they knew about it too.

"You should've seen your faces the past few days. It was so obvious something good happened. So I'm right? You really are pregnant?"

Logan nodded, his face lighting up in happiness. James and Carlos grinned too, both of them obviously happy for us. "Is it a make-up baby?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"You know, a baby created on the night you two made up?"

"Well, yeah," Logan admitted shyly.

Our friends laughed, but I wasn't really okay with the words 'make up baby.' I had a much better word for it, only James and Carlos didn't need to know that. "It's a love baby," I whispered in Logan's ear. "We were loving each other that night, not just making up."

He stared at me, his big, beautiful brown eyes filled with something I didn't recognize. Suddenly he lunged forward and kissed me hard. I heard James and Carlos whistling and then James asking me what I said to Logan to make him do this, but I didn't react. There was only Logan. Logan's lips on mine, Logan's hands in my hair, Logan's legs around my waist; all Logan.

I kissed him back, loving his soft lips moving so passionately on mine. Everything else disappeared, the loud music, the quivering of the air, the dancing people, even James and Carlos. It didn't matter. I had no idea if it was the alcohol or the intoxicating smell around here, but I had the idea I was high or drunk, while I didn't drink much or took drugs at all.

At some point I got a little control back and glanced at James and Carlos, noticing they were kissing too. I put my attention back on Logan, moving my hands over his sides and hips down to his legs and up again, smirking when he trembled every time I almost touched his crotch.

I had no idea how long we were kissing, but it must've been quite some time. And then we were rudely interrupted. "Excuse me, sir. This is not allowed," A waitress told me. She looked guilty, so I knew she probably got an order from her boss to get us apart.

Logan looked at me, his eyes black and he nodded towards the exit. He wanted to go home. "Sorry, we're leaving," I told the girl.

She smiled. "Thank you."

She left and Logan climbed off my lap, getting up and shaking Carlos by his shoulder to get his attention. "We're leaving," He told them. James and Carlos nodded and got up too, following us outside to the car. They climbed in the back seat and immediately connected their lips again. I was jealous, wishing I could continue kissing Logan too, but he had to drive.

He drove away and didn't mind when I took his hand. Luckily the ride wasn't too long, Logan was speeding, which helped a bit. We got home safely and chased James and Carlos out of the car, before we practically ran back to our house. The door closed and Logan pressed me up against the nearest wall. His hands disappeared in my hair and his lips were on mine again.

I kissed back forcefully, quickly taking over control and turning us around, pressing Logan against the wall hard. He whimpered and threw his head back, exposing his neck for me. And well, I wasn't going to let that chance pass. I bit in his neck and sucked harshly, making him cry out in pain and pleasure. Meanwhile I unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders.

He cupped my face and pulled it back up to kiss me. I kicked off my shoes and helped him taking off my shirt, instantly connecting our lips again when it was off. I put my hands under his thighs and picked him up, carrying him to the stairs while he kissed and bit in my neck. I moaned and slipped one of my hands in his pants on his butt, my fingers in his crack and toying with his entrance. I heard his shoes tumble down the stairs when he pushed them off his feet, whimpering in pleasure under my hands.

I put him down when we reached the top of the stairs, pulling my hand back and wrapping my arms tightly around his waist to keep him close as I kissed him again. Logan kissed back eagerly, his tongue fighting mine for the first time in a long while. He didn't win though, his strength breaking when I put my hand on his member and squeezed, before opening his pants and pushing them down his legs. Logan kicked them away, his hands running over my chest and abdomen to the top of my pants and pushing them down too.

They were off and I picked him up again, almost running to our room. I dropped him on our bed and pulled my own boxers off first, cursing when they got stuck around my legs. I wanted to do Logan's too, but he already pushed them off his legs and threw them to the other side of the room. He opened his arms and legs, inviting me in and for once not ashamed of what I might see.

I sat between his legs and pulled them over my shoulders, before leaning forward, bending him in half, to kiss him deeply, showing him how much I cared. While we kissed Logan reached out and guided my hard on to his entrance. I slowly pushing in, not wanting to hurt him since I didn't prepare him and we already had sex that day and he was probably still tender.

He put his arms around my neck and kissed me slowly while he got used to the feeling of being filled again. "Go," He whispered after a minute, instantly kissing me again when he was done talking. I pulled out and thrust back in hard, smiling at Logan's obvious pleasure. I quickly picked up the speed, feeling more like fucking than love making tonight. It's been building up the whole day and now we could finally relieve ourselves, get lost in the other and just enjoy being together like this, without the usual heavy thoughts. It was just lust tonight. Pure, dirty lust.

Logan dug his nails in my back while I time after time hit his prostate, bringing him closer to the edge so much faster than we were used too. It was all so good and so intense and neither of us could hold on very long. I didn't even have to stroke Logan, he came hard, holding onto me tightly until he came down from his high. I finished quickly after, Logan's face during his orgasm enough to make me fall over the edge too.

I pulled out of him and collapsed next to him on the bed, pulling him against me and almost instantly falling asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>I hated the end. It was rushed… anyway, tell me what you think :)<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm so sorry for not updating so long! I was just really, really busy and I'm going to be even busier, but I'll try to write and update as much as I can. I hope you like this!**

* * *

><p>I sighed and wrapped my arms tighter around Logan. I didn't want to get up yet, but we had to. Katie's wedding was today and we had to be at the church where the ceremony was held in four hours. Stupid Christian Dak wanted the wedding ceremony in a church way outside of the city and it was probably really beautiful, but annoying as well. Every single one of their guests had to leave a million years early to make sure they were in time.<p>

Okay, maybe an hour, but it was still annoying.

I kissed Logan's neck, smiling when I remembered last night. It had been so amazing, a whole day with just Logan, doing things we loved to do, he helped me with gardening, we saw our baby, we went out with James and Carlos and we had sex two times. Who didn't want that?

Logan sighed in his sleep and curled closer to me, his butt grinding into my crotch. I groaned quietly when I realized thinking of last night made me hard again. The groan quickly turned into a smirk when a plan started to form in my head. If it turned out the way I wanted, I didn't have to take a cold shower.

I kissed Logan's neck again, my hands slowly traveling down his body while I gently bit in the spot behind his ear. They reached his hips and I took hold of them, gently rolling them against my own. I gasped and quickly moved them lower, wanting to get on with this since we didn't have that much time.

I put my hand around his member and started stroking him. He squirmed and whimpered quietly, making me smirk widely. I took his earlobe in my mouth and sucked softly as I pressed my hips forward, my hard on sliding between his cheeks. "Hmm, Logie," I muttered.

After a minute of stroking he was fully hard and bucking his hips to get more satisfaction from my slow, teasing hand. I couldn't take it any longer and let go of his member, slowly I pulled away from him. He rolled on his back, because he didn't have me to lean against anymore and I climbed on top of him.

I put my hands on his thigh, gently pushing them apart. He pulled a face as I did that, his lips parting a bit. I lowered myself down on top of him and attached my lips to his pulse point, before I started grinding against him. Logan moaned softly, his eyes squeezing shut before slowly opening. "G'morning, sweetie," I whispered, smiling when he didn't answer but moaned again instead.

"K-kendall, wh-hat are y- shit!" He whimpered when I grinded down hard.

I had enough of foreplay, it wasn't fun anymore now Logan was awake. I spit in my hand and used it to lubricate my member before positioning at Logan's entrance and pushing forward hard. "Kendall!" He cried out.

I smirked and kissed his lips softly. "Couldn't let this opportunity pass," I explained when I saw him glaring at me. "You were lying there, being beautiful and I couldn't just wish my boner away, so here we are." I thrust into him again, hitting his prostate in one go. Logan moaned loudly and I was glad the children weren't home. We couldn't have done this if they were and there was no way I was going to let this opportunity pass.

He wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me down for a kiss. I set a rhythm, thrusting into Logan hard and fast. "Kendall, f-fuck!" He moaned.

I smiled and leaned in to kiss him deeply. "I love you."

He smiled back at me. "I love you too," He said softly, pulling me down again. I put my arms around his waist and sat up, holding him against me. Logan beamed, this was his favorite position ever since our big make up night. He told me it was because he could move more like this.

He tangled his fingers in my hair while kissed me and started bouncing in my lap. I put my hands on his hips, helping him and keeping him steady. "You're really sexy like this," I muttered.

He blushed a little and put his arms around my neck, kissing me again. He moved his lips on mine slowly and played with the hairs in the nape of my neck. I moved one hand lower and wrapped it around him. He whined softly and rested his head on my shoulder, his hips now rolling instead of going up and down. "Hmm. Come for me, Logie."

He whimpered and leaned on me heavily, I put my free arm around his waist and gently laid him back on the bed, continuing to thrust into him deeply, hitting his spot every time while I stroked him. The look of pure bliss on his face a few seconds later was enough to make me come too. I collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily in and out.

"Kendall, y-you're c-crushing me," He panted and tried pushing me off of him.

I sighed and rolled off of him. "It's not fair, Logie. You lie on top of me all the time."

"Of course it's fair, I'm pregnant, you'll crush our baby. And you are three times as heavy as I am, you're fat. You should drink less beer."

I pouted. "That hurt, Logie."

He smiled and crawled over, straddling me. "I like you like that," He whispered. "You should stay that way so you can be my big pillow cuddle bear husband."

I melted and put my arms around him, slowly rubbing his back. Logan put his head on my chest and his hands on my arms. He'd been right though, I did get a little more weight since he came back, but what did you expect? I made three meals a day and made Logan eat thousands of snacks and fruit between them and, you know, it was uncomfortable for him to eat alone. So I ate too. But hey, he didn't mind, so why would I? And it was not like it was visible anyway. And I still fitted in my clothes.

We laid there for a while, just cuddling together. But about ten minutes later he looked up and smiled at me. "Why did you wake me up like that? Didn't you have enough sex yesterday?"

"Psst. Like there is something called 'enough sex.'"

He laughed and shook his head. "You're unbelievable."

"You love it."

He giggled and kissed my cheek. "You realize that was the third time in 24 hours, right?"

"Is it? Man, that's not even a new record," I complained. "We should do it another time."

Logan laughed. "Yeah. Not gonna happen."

I pouted. "Why not?"

"Because I have to walk today?"

"You're boring," I said, but smiled so he knew I didn't mean it.

"Oh really? I was going to tell you we could make out in the shower, but if you don't want it that's fine, I'll shower alone."

I grinned and sat up, keeping him against me with my arm around his waist. "Hold on, sweetie." I got off the bed, easily carrying Logan with me to the bathroom.

He grinned. "As if you are going to let me fall."

"I probably wouldn't," I admitted honestly.

He smiled and kissed my nose. "I love you."

"I love you too, Logie," I said when I put him down in the shower. He turned around and put the water while I got us towels, then I stepped in behind him. I put my arms around his waist from behind, pulling him against me. Logan leaned back against me, resting his head against my chest. His eyes were closed and a content look was on his face, telling me he liked this; just standing here with me.

"We need to have days like yesterday more often," He told me and turned around in my arms so he could see my face.

I smiled and kissed his lips softly. "We will, Logie. You finish your study and internship and then you're going to be all mine for six months. We can do lots of stuff when Keira and Kegan are in school."

"I'm looking forward to that," He said happily.

"Me too," I whispered and kissed him again, quickly deepening it so he wouldn't pull away. He gladly kissed me back and put his arms around my neck, pulling me closer. I felt his lips parting a bit and opened my mouth too, wanting to get on to the real kissing. It wasn't often we got to do stuff like this; just being alone together and softly kissing and touching. We had to think about Keira and Kegan and unborn ML3 and it sucked; I loved my children to death and I wouldn't want to live one moment without knowing they were safe and happy, but Logan was just… Logan.

If we ever had a fight like the one on Kegan's birthday again, I would do the exact same thing. Kick him out. It didn't matter how much I loved Logan on those moments, if he wasn't good for this family, for our children, he had to go. It wasn't that I loved Keira and Kegan more than Logan, no, if anything the opposite was true, but the kids were little, young and innocent. They couldn't take care of themselves yet, they needed protection and if I had to keep them safe from their own daddy, I would do that. No matter how much I loved Logan. I was sure it was the same for Logan. Or any other parent. Children go first.

But he wasn't going to do that again, I was sure of that. Logan loved me, he made it clear he needed me and wanted to be here more than anything else in the world. We were going to live a normal, peaceful life together and be happy with or family and friends. It was what I wanted, it was what Logan wanted. We would work it out like always.

"What are you thinking about?" Logan asked softly and continued to give me small, soft kisses on my lips.

"Just stuff," I muttered, running my hands down to the small of his back and pressed him against me tighter.

"Tell me," He ordered sweetly, smiling when I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his.

"Us," I whispered. "Being together for a long time, Keira, Kegan and ML3, I hope there will be more happy days like yesterday and like today will be."

"Are you worried we're not going to be together for the rest of our lives?"

I chuckled. "Am I ever not worried about that? I think we will, I hope we will and I want us to; I'll try anything to make it happen, but I can't look in the future, who knows what happens…"

"Don't worry about it," He whispered. "I want the same and nothing bad is going to happen, I think we had enough bad stuff already. Only good stuff from now on. Like Kendall Junior."

I raised my eyebrows in disbelieve. "Kendall Junior? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard."

"Like ML3 is so much better!"

"Of course it is! Who wouldn't want to be named Mini Logan the third."

Logan raised his hand and I rolled my eyes. "You're stupid."

"You're stupid!"

I splashed some water in his face, laughing when he pulled a face and brought his hands up to protect his head. "Wimp."

"Kendall!" He whined. "You got water in my eyes!"

I stopped laughing. "Sorry, Logie," I said softly and gently pulled his hands from his eyes. I tried to clear his eyes from the water, but suddenly he opened them and I was met with a splash of water in my own face. He giggled and grabbed my wrists so I couldn't use my hands, I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, now it's on."

I turned my hands and quickly grabbed onto his, bringing them together so I could take his wrists in one hand. Logan pulled and wriggled, but I was stronger and smirked at him. "Scared yet?"

"Of you? Never."

"You should be," I told him, stepping closer so he was pressed between me and the wall. I put my free hand on his hip, slowly moving it up and down his side. Logan looked up at me calmly, waiting patiently for what I was going to do. I chuckled and tickled his side, grinning wider when he gasped and squirmed away from me. "Told you so."

"Ke-Kendall, n-no," He giggled when continued tickling his sides. I let go of his hands and started tickling him with my other hand too, he wasn't going anywhere.

"What's wrong, Logie? Why are you squirming and laughing so hard? I don't think you can breathe this way," I said innocently.

"S-stop, K-dall! P-please!"

I smiled and kissed his forehead, sliding my arms around his waist. Logan was panting and glared at me, but rested his head on my chest. He waited until his breathing was normal again before talking. "That wasn't funny."

"Yeah, it was," I said and kissed the top of his head.

"I'm getting you back for that," He warned.

"I'm looking forward to it, sweetie." He glared at me again, but he wasn't really mad. "C'mon, we've to get ready for Katie's wedding, she'll kill us if we're late."

He nodded. The next ten minutes were spent shampooing and washing before we got out of the shower. We dried and then split up, Logan did his hair and I went into our room to get into my chic clothes we picked out last night. I went back into the bathroom when I was done, Logan smiled when he saw me. "Fancy."

I brushed my teeth and waited until Logan was done getting ready too, before going downstairs and eating breakfast. "We really, really have to start looking for Lizzy's sister again on Monday," He said seriously when we were both sitting. "I feel pretty guilty about ignoring that for so long, we were all happy this week about our own baby but we forgot James and Carlos were still waiting for news on that."

I agreed. We did forget. But the last week has just been so good for us and I didn't think about anything besides Logan and Keira and Kegan and being happy. It wasn't fair to James and Carlos, because this was the second time we got something they wanted to have just as bad. I wanted to find her before ML3 was here, they deserved this too.

We were done eating and cleaned up the kitchen. "Do you have the camera?" Logan asked. "I want more pictures in the house and now we all look pretty."

I chuckled. "I'll get it, Logie."

I got the photo camera and then we could finally leave. We spent the ride talking about who we thought were going to be there. Neither of us asked Katie and Dak about that, so I had really no idea. I did know it was going to be big. Dak was famous after all and Katie was going good too, her program on the radio was listened to by thousands of people every day. It was fun to listen to my little sister on the radio, never thought she would end up doing something like that.

We arrived at the church and I had to admit it was beautiful, they definitely picked a good spot to marry and finding it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought. I parked the car and took Logan's hand as we walked to the building. Not many people were there yet, I only recognized some old aunts of my mother and my father's brother. I really had to go talk to that guy, I hadn't seen him since we left to LA and he'd always been my favorite uncle.

Logan suddenly stopped, causing me to stop too. "Look," He said and pointed to a group of four people talking and laughing together at one of the tables.

"Is that your mother?" I asked in disbelieve. But I knew I was right, Joanna Mitchell was definitely sitting next to Brooke Diamond and across from them were Mr. and Mrs. Garcia. I never thought I would see her again.

"Let's go," Logan muttered and pulled me to a door that said 'private: only family.' He opened it and were met with two little voices calling 'papa!' and 'daddy!'

I glanced at Logan worriedly, but he didn't look unhappy or anything after he saw his mother. Maybe it was just an act for our children, maybe he just didn't care. I was going to ask him later. "Hey baby," I said with a smile when I saw Keira coming up to me. "Wow, don't you look pretty! Just like a princess."

She beamed and blushed a little, looking down at the dress she was wearing. It was pink and came to just above her feet, it had pretty lace all over it and a bow on her back. Her hair was in a bun and had real flowers in it. I wasn't happy about that, liked it better when I could see her pretty curls, but this wasn't my wedding. "Can you make a pirouette for me?"

She turned around and I smiled widely at her. I had one beautiful daughter.

"How was sleeping at auntie Katie's?" I asked her as I picked her up.

"Yes, we ate French fries!"

"Oh, yummy! I wish I ate that too! Tell me, who made your hair so beautiful?"

"Grandma did it, Lizzy's hair too."

"Okay, and where's aunt Katie?"

"Over there." She waved to a door on the left.

I nodded and kissed her cheek. There was a flash and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Logan clearly wasn't kidding when he said he wanted more photos.

"Really, Logan?" I chuckled.

He shrugged. "Go to papa, Kegie. I want to take a picture."

Kegan came up to me and grinned at me. He looked really cute in his little suit. I put Keira on the ground and crouched down, pulling him closer. "You look handsome, Kegie."

"You look handsome too, papa."

I laughed. "Oh, really? Thank you, buddy. Come, daddy wants to take a picture of us."

I put one of my arms around him and the other around Keira, pulling them closer. "Now smile," Logan commanded. The three of us smiled at the camera and he took the picture, looking at it happily.

"Can I go to Lizzy now?" Kegan asked impatiently.

"Yeah, you can," Logan said and put the camera away. I got up and wanted to run my fingers through Keira's hair, remembering just in time that she had flowers in it. Yuck.

Logan came up to us and picked her up. "You look beautiful, Keke," He said impressed. "I should've bowed for you."

Keira giggled and put her arms around Logan's neck, hiding her blush from him. She suddenly pulled back and looked at her daddy with her big brown eyes wide open. "I want to show you something," She said excitedly. "Put me down, daddy."

Logan did and she took his hand, then looked at me. "You too, papa." I smiled and took her other hand and she started pulling us to the door, back into the large hall. There were a lot more people now, but apparently Keira knew where to go and pulled us outside, to the side of the building. I started smiling when I saw where she was going; to the stable.

I caught Logan's eyes and saw him smiling too, it wasn't that often Keira told us what she really wanted to do. She was always so shy and didn't dare to stand up for herself unless she really didn't want to do something. I loved it she finally showed us a little of what was going on in her head. What she really liked and wanted to do -besides drawing.

She opened the door and walked inside. "Keira, wait a second, honey," I said. "Let me carry you so your pretty dress won't get dirty." She nodded and I picked her up, holding her on my arm. "Where do we've to go, baby?"

Keira pointed to a door on the left side, Logan opened it and we stepped inside. Over the whole length of the shed were stables with horses in them, in one end were two girls preparing a large black horse for a ride. Keira's face lit up and she looked around in awe, I smiled and kissed her cheek. "Is this what you wanted to show us, Keke? The horses?"

"Yes," She whispered.

"Wanna go closer to one?"

She nodded and I carried her to a white horse that looked friendly, still a little cautious about the whole thing. Horses were big, strong animals, they could easily hurt my little girl. But Keira wasn't afraid, she reached out and touched it's nose, rubbing softly. She smiled at me quickly and then turned to the horse again, petting it's head. The horse didn't seem to mind and let Keira touch him.

"What's her name?" Keira asked suddenly.

"I don't know, honey."

"Bonnie, her name is Bonnie." One of the girls that was previously getting the other horse ready came up to us. "She's really old and sweet."

Keira smiled shyly at her and pulled her arm back, the girl laughed. "It's okay, you can touch her. Do you like horses?"

She nodded and started petting the horse again. I decided to answer instead. "She loves them, we're going to look for lessons soon," I told the girl and smiled when I saw Keira beaming again.

"I have some addresses for you, if you want?" The horse girl said. "Some of them have ponies for really young kids to learn how to ride."

"Do you hear that, Keira? This girl is helping us to find a manage you can go to."

"Thank you," Keira whispered quietly.

"Kendall, we need to go back to the church, Katie's wedding is starting in ten minutes," Logan said urgently.

I nodded and turned to the girl again. "Is it okay if we come back later?"

"Yes, of course. I'm gonna be here all day," She said with a smile.

"Okay. Thank you for your help," I said. To my surprise, Keira waved at her before we walked out of the shed, back to the church. "That was fun, Keke. Horses aren't as scary as I thought."

She giggled. "Are you afraid of horses?"

I smiled. "Not anymore." We quickly walked to the mass of people in the hall and I put her down when we were back in the private room.

"There you are! Kendall, Katie was freaking out, she thought Keira was lost," Mom said strictly.

"She can't forbid me from taking my daughter, she's after all MY daughter."

Mom rolled her eyes and took Keira's hand. "Say goodbye to your fathers, sweetie. We've to get ready now." Keira waved at us and then let mom pull her to the brides room.

I turned around to Logan, but he wasn't there. I frowned worriedly, then where was he? I went back into the hall and tried to find him, but he was nowhere to be seen. The doors to the room where the ceremony would be held were open now and everyone started to walk over there, which made it even harder to find Logan. I didn't like this it all and I cursed myself for not making sure he was right behind me when I brought Keira back to the room.

Suddenly I saw him talking to a really tall, red haired guy that I was sure I'd seen before. He was laughing and I remembered who he was; Daniel, Logan's friend from the hospital. I smiled in relieve and quickly went up to them. Logan greeted me with a smile. "Hey Kendall!" Daniel exclaimed, "Good to see you, dude!"

"Hello," I said with a smile, I liked him. He was cool. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm an old school friend from the Dak man, figured it would be cool to see him again before he started his new life with his wife and kid. And you two?"

I chuckled. "Katie's my sister."

"Oh! So you too are going to be the brothers-in-law!"

"Yes, we are," Logan said. "I think we need to get to our seats now or Katie will kill us. I see her do it."

"Okay, see you guys later!" Daniel said and walked away, it looked very funny with his long legs and arms swaying from side to side.

"He's awesome," I told Logan. He nodded in agreement and grabbed my hand before we started walking into the room, all the way to the front where family was supposed to sit. It was beautiful, flowers and bows everywhere and all the people were dressed nicely. At the last moment before the doors closed James and Carlos came in, both out of breathe and with a very embarrassed look on their faces. All the people looked at them, but they just kept their heads down and quickly walked to the front, sitting down next to me. "Why are you so late?"

"None of your business, Knight," James muttered. "Let's just say I had a fun morning."

I grinned. "Me too, but we were on time."

"Shut up."

I laughed and then turned back to Logan. He put his hand on my leg and kissed my cheek, leaning into my side. I put my arms around his waist, liking it he came to sit closer to me. "Do you have the camera ready?" I asked him.

"Yes, I do. I still need a picture of Keira and Lizzy together. And of Kegan in his suit. And of you and me. And of all four of us. And one with-" I kissed his lips to shut him up.

"Lots of pictures, I get it. We'll take a bunch, Logie." I smiled at him and kissed his forehead, but then the music started playing. On our left a door opened and Dak walked onto the little stage, followed by the priest. Dak was holding Kegan's hand and brought him to us before going to stand next to the priest.

Kegan grinned at us and showed us the little black box he was holding. "Keep that safe, Kegie. It's really important to auntie Katie," Logan whispered and pulled him in his lap; Kegan didn't have to do his part until later.

"When does Keira and Lizzy come? And auntie Katie?" Kegan asked impatiently.

"They'll come here in a minute, baby," I answered calmly.

"Uncle Dak told me how I have to ask someone to marry me. I'm going to ask Lizzy."

I chuckled. "You go do that, buddy."

Kegan grinned widely and settled against Logan's chest, tugging at his hand until it was on his stomach. Logan tickled him, making Kegan squirm and giggle in his lap. They stopped when the music suddenly got louder and the doors in the back opened. Everyone turned around in their seats to see Keira and Lizzy walked in, little baskets with rose petals in their hands.

They slowly walked to the front. Keira took her job very seriously and scattered the petals carefully, leaving a neat trail behind her. Lizzy was doing the exact opposite, throwing handfuls of petals into the air, not caring if she threw them over the people that were sitting on the inside of the benches. When they got at the front they handed their baskets to the priest and stood across from Dak, holding each others hands.

The music changed and Dak's face lit up, letting us now Katie was here. I had to admit she looked beautiful, not nearly as beautiful as Logan was, but she came close. She was wearing a wide dress, completely white. The corset was tight, but made so that her baby bump wasn't visible. She walked up to Dak and he took her hands, mom started crying. Logan was the one sitting next to her and took her hand to comfort her.

The ceremony took a long, long time and wasn't nearly as romantic as my and Logan's wedding, but I guess that was the same for everyone. Katie and Dak seemed to be having an amazing time though, both of them had tears in their eyes and big smiles on their faces. Kegan didn't like it at all and was constantly shifting and whining that he wanted it to be over. Weddings weren't a good place for little four year old boys that wanted to play and run around.

Finally it was his turn to do what he had to do; it was time for the rings. Logan put him on the ground and quickly fixed his suit before letting him go. Kegan proudly walked up to Dak and handed him the black box, before going over to the girls. He grabbed Lizzy's hand and kissed her cheek, making a 'aw' go over the crowd that didn't have anything to do with Dak giving Katie her ring.

"You may kiss your wife," The priest said and stepped back. Katie practically lunged forward and kissed Dak who didn't even get the change to put his arms around her. She pulled away and turned the room, smiling widely at all her guests that were clapping. Mom got up and hurried up to her daughter, pulling her into a hug. Dak's parents were on stage too and I figured it was our turn now. I got up and grabbed Logan's hand, pulling him along to my sister and her newly wed husband.

We only had time to congratulate Katie and a quick hug, before all the other people started forming a line behind us. Logan, Carlos, James and me went to the side and took the children. "Wanna go see nana and grandpa?" Carlos asked Lizzy.

"Yes!" Lizzy said excitedly. I think the girl has been to Minnesota with James and Carlos once, but she never forgot her grandparents; Carlos' parents. Lizzy loved Brooke likewise, but James' mother just wasn't an affectionate person and came off distant and emotionless to anyone that didn't know her for a long time.

Carlos grinned and took her hand to guide her through the mass of people. James turned to us. "I'm gonna go with them, you should come too."

Logan huffed. "No thank you."

James raised his eyebrows, pretty offended by that comment. Logan noticed and quickly came back on it. "My mom's here, James. I don't have anything against your parents or Carlos'."

James nodded in understanding. "I didn't know, good luck with that, pal." He patted Logan's shoulder and walked away, following his husband.

Logan turned to me, sighing deeply. He glanced at Keira and Kegan, but they were busy playing together and weren't paying attention to us. "I don't want to talk to her, Kendall," He told me.

"No one's forcing you to, Logie," I said and took his hand, giving it a squeeze.

"I feel like I have to, you know, that it'll be rude if I don't say hi to her. And the kids? They probably want to meet her too, but I don't want that."

"They never asked about your parents before, right? And as long as we don't tell them she's here they don't want to meet her. Problem solved."

He nodded timidly and looked down at the floor. "Why is she here anyway? Couldn't she just leave us alone?"

"I don't know, sweetie, maybe she just wanted to see my mom again or see how Katie was doing or..." I stopped talking when I saw the look on Logan's face.

"You know that's not true," He muttered and got closer, resting his head on my shoulder. "She just wants to see the children, why doesn't she come for me for once?"

I put my arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "You don't know that, baby. Maybe she did come here to see you."

He nodded, but didn't look up yet. I pulled him closer and kissed the top of his head. "I love you," I told him. "Don't worry about your mother."

Logan looked up at me, giving me a smile and kissed me gently. "Love you too," He said before pulling away. "Kegan, don't do that!"

I looked up in time to see Kegan scratch his nails over Keira's arm. We quickly went up to them, Logan crouched down next to Keira and I picked Kegan up. "That wasn't nice of you, Kegan. Why did you do that?" I asked strictly.

"Keira said I'm stupid!"

I sighed. "That's not nice either, but violence is bad and I never want to see you hurt your sister again, got it?"

He nodded, his lips in a pout. "You're getting off easy today because we're at a wedding, but if I ever see you do it again you bet you're in trouble."

Kegan nodded again, a little happier this time. He smiled at me and put his arms around my neck. "Okay, papa. Logie love."

I smiled and kissed his cheek, I was really bad at being mad at my children. "Logie love, baby. Now, apologize to your sister and then we've to go outside to take pictures with auntie Katie and uncle Dak." I put him on the ground and watched him walk up to Logan and Keira. He was holding her hands and talking to her softly, the scratch on her arm forgotten already.

Kegan walked up to her. "Sorry, Keira," He muttered and looked to the ground.

"I don't really think you're stupid," Keira said softly.

"Really?" Kegan asked excitedly.

"Really." It was kinda funny to see the bond those two kids shared. Kegan looked up to Keira, she was his big sister and was smarter than he was -she was Logan's kid after all. But Keira never took advantage of the fact Kegan practically did everything she told him to. No, it was more of a guiding and advising kind of relationship. I liked it though, it was good for Kegan to listen to his sister who was obviously a lot less mischievous than he was.

"Come, let's get you two outside for pictures with the bride and groom," Logan said, taking their hands.

"I wanna be a groom! And Lizzy will be my bride!" Kegan told us happily.

I grinned. "Sure, kid."

Once outside there were a whole lot of pictures taken. Of course a lot from Katie and Dak and the children, but then Logan came in with his own picture ideas. Mom wanted some too and James and Carlos had completely different plans. It took a lot of time and I just did what other people told me to do, since I'd no idea who had control over this what so ever.

When all of them were taken, we went inside and lunch was served in the same room where the ceremony was held. All the benches were turned and long tables were in between them; it made me thing of a Harry Potter like eating scene. Logan, the kids and I ended up sitting with Katie, mom and Dak's family at the middle of the table. James and Carlos had been invited to sit with us, but they rather were with their own family at the moment. Sometimes I forgot they weren't really our brothers and had family of their own.

I talked a lot with Dak's brother that was a PE teacher at a High School. I told him I trained the little four year olds in soccer every Wednesday night. We had a nice conversation. Logan was busy talking to Dak's mother, who was, surprise, a doctor and also specialized in children, like Logan.

Katie and Dak got a taste of what it was like to have a kid when Kegan put his hands in salad and put a handful of it and the pocket of his jacket. He claimed he wanted to 'give it to the horsies.' "That's very sweet of you, buddy, but you don't put salad in the pocket of your suit, that's dirty." Kegan pouted and put the salad back on his plate.

Besides that little incident lunch went pretty well. After that everyone was brought outside and Katie threw her flowers at the ladies; Camille caught them. We had to go talk to her today, it's been too long. Because we were outside, Keira asked if we could go see the horses again. I said yes; I promised we would go back after all.

Kegan went to James and Carlos to play with Lizzy and Logan and I took Keira back to the stables where the girl was still working on a horse. "Hi, there!" She said happily. "I hoped you guys would come back."

I smiled, Keira hid her face in the crook of her neck. "I got some addresses here," The horse girl told me, showing me her notebook. "And I put Bonnie outside, wanna try to ride her?" She asked Keira, who was no longer hiding, but looked up at me hopeful.

"You can, Keira," I assured her, loving how my daughters face lit up. "Why don't you go outside with daddy while I talk to..." I looked at the girl when I realized I didn't know her name yet.

"Ann."

"While I talk to Ann about lessons for you, okay?" Keira nodded and Logan took her from me, she was still wearing her dress and we had to keep it clean. They went outside to see the friendly horse from earlier. "Thank you for doing this," I said gratefully. "Keira has been wanting to do this for some time now."

"It's really no problem, I like having girls like her here and make them familiar around horses and stuff. It happens every time a wedding is held here, there's always a flower girl that falls for horseback riding."

I smiled at her. "Are you here a lot?" I asked while we started walking to the table where she put her notebook.

"Yes. I love it here, I've loved being around horses since I was a little kid like your daughter. I dedicated my life to it; Bonnie was actually my first horse," She said proudly. "She's old now and I'm too heavy, but I always use her whenever a kid wants to try riding a horse. Less risky." She ripped the paper from the notebook and handed it to me. "Here you go. I'm going to help Keira now."

"I'll come with you." We went outside to the big sandy box where the friendly horse was calmly walking around. Keira was sitting on the fence and Logan stood behind her to make sure she didn't fall off it. I stood next to him and watched how Ann went to get Bonnie and pulled her over to us. Keira was beaming and being happy and I loved to see her like this, my heart melting a little every time she look at me with her big brown eyes filled with happiness.

Ann helped Keira on the horse and Logan pulled out the camera, taking as much pictures of Keira on her first horse as he could. The first five minutes were spent making Keira feel comfortable, but then Ann let go of the rope and Bonnie just continued walking in rounds. Keira was proud she could do this all on her own and even waved at us at some point, letting go of reins for a moment.

Of course Logan got a picture of that.

I felt a bit rude for doing this on Katie's wedding, but Keira looked so happy and I couldn't say no to that. It was still early and we had plenty of time to talk with Katie and Dak and all the other people here, it was important for me Keira got what she wanted after hiding it for so long. Maybe she would be less shy if she did this for a while, she could tell her little friends about it.

But after half an hour Ann had to go, so Keira had to stop anyway. She was a bit sad about that, but still looked happier than she did in a long time and I wondered why that was. I'd always taken good care of her, she went to a good school and had an amazing, supporting family, but somehow Keira was never completely happy. She was content, satisfied, but not happy and that made me sad. I was worried; there was obviously something wrong if she couldn't be happy, but I didn't know what. I didn't really notice before either, because this happy face was new to me. Before I always thought her content face was her happy face, but I was obviously wrong.

I was going to talk about it to Logan soon.

We took Keira back to the church, the first thing I saw was that Kegan and Lizzy found some of the other kids and made friends with them. "Go play with them, Keke," I said and kissed her cheek, before putting her on the ground. Logan and I watched her go over to Kegan and his friends and asked if she could play with them.

"I'm worried about her," Logan muttered and grabbed my hand.

I sighed. "Me too, Logie. But now isn't really the time to discuss that; she looks happy now anyway."

He nodded and I kissed his temple. "We should really-"

"Hey Logan!" Yelled a voice behind us. We turned and saw Daniel walking up to us, Logan's red haired friend from the hospital.

"Hey," Logan said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Attending a wedding, duh," He answered with a grin. "I'm an old school friend from the Dak man. He was in the basketball team and I was the towel boy who did all their homework." He laughed about it so I guess he wasn't really upset by that anymore. "And what's your connection?"

"I'm Katie's brother," I explained.

"Oh, family! You don't look like your sister, dude."

"I've been told before. Are you here alone?" I asked curiously.

He looked at me funny. "You talking about my girlfriend?"

I nodded.

"She wanted to come really badly, now I know why; her favorite band is here, but she was called this morning. She works for Child Protective Service and apparently something went wrong with one of the kids that was in a foster home."

"That's too bad," Logan said.

"Yeah, she'll find another opportunity though," Daniel said. "So which ones are yours?" He waved to the playing children.

"The blonde girl in the pink dress and the brunette boy in the suit."

Daniel laughed. "He's your kid? He bumped into me earlier and said 'I'm sorry, mister sir.' He's funny."

I chuckled. "That's definitely Kegan." A phone started ringing and Daniel pulled it out of his pocket. He glanced at the number and excused himself before walking away. "I like him," I told Logan.

"Yeah, you said that before. He's great."

"Let's go inside, I'm thirsty," I said. There were enough other parents watching the children, we really didn't need to be there too. Logan nodded and we went inside to the bar to get some drinks. One minute later a short curly brunette woman came up next to us and order two wine and one hot water. "Hey Camille."

"Hey Kendall- Wait, guys!" She squealed. She hugged Logan, then hugged me and looked at us with a huge grin. "I hoped I would see you today! It's been way too long, come to our table, we have to catch up."

Logan chuckled. "Sure." We grabbed our drinks and Camille took hers before she led us to the table where she was sitting. Steve was there and so were Jo and Stephanie, both with their own boyfriends.

"Look who I found!" Camille said happily.

Jo squealed too and came over to give us hugs as well. She looked a lot better than the last time I saw her, back then she just found out she was pregnant with Jett's baby and what he did to Logan. She'd been a mess, but that was almost six years ago now and she probably moved on. "I missed you guys, sit down, please. Where are James and Carlos?"

"We missed you all too," I said with a smile and took a seat next to Steve, Logan sat on my other side. "And I don't know where they are, I think they'll show up soon though."

Jo and Camille sat down in their chairs again and now I noticed what was in between Camille and Steve; a stroller. She reached out and lifted the tiniest little baby out of it. "No way, when did that happen?" Logan asked enthusiastically.

"Last week," Camille said, taking the bottle of formula Steve prepared with the hot water Camille brought. She looked at the baby happily.

"What's her name?" I asked curiously. It was obviously a girl, Camille dressed the baby in a little pink dress.

"Paige," Camille said, "After my mother."

Logan nodded in understanding and I remembered he once told my Camille's mother died when Camille was really young. Cancer. "It's a great name."

She smiled. "Where's Keira? I haven't seen her since she was a little baby. You guys got any more children after her?"

I glanced at Logan quickly, hiding my smirk. "Just one. Kegan."

"What? I thought you would've at least five kids by now!" Jo said in disbelieve.

Logan choked on his orange juice. "Five!" He said after he stopped coughing. "You realize I have to carry them all, right? And give birth? I'm so not going to do that."

"He will," I told the girls reassuringly. "He would do it a hundred times if I told him to."

"No I wouldn't," He muttered and the others laughed.

We talked some more and about half an hour later James and Carlos showed up, they stole chairs from another table and joined us. We talked about our lives now, our jobs, the children, friends, family and our old life at the Palm Woods. Keira, Kegan and Lizzy all came by at some point and we introduced them to our old friends, Keira shy reaction was immediately connected to Logan while everyone recognized me in Kegan. It was fun to hear there opinions about that.

When Camille was done feeding Paige we all got to hold her; I smiled when I saw Logan holding her and I realized I couldn't wait until I saw him cradling our own baby close to his chest. I'd missed it, a small, helpless, little baby that depended on you for its life. I hoped Logan would start showing soon, somehow that made it feel more real for me.

Katie and Dak sat with us too at some point and I could see they both liked it to spend some time away from annoying old aunts and uncles and just have fun with their friends. Katie was really happy with the wedding gift we -Logan- got her; a picture of Katie and Dak he found online on canvas. We talked about that for a while and I noticed Dak was warming up to Logan again. I knew that was only because Katie forgave Logan.

I felt a hand on my leg and looked down, meeting Keira's tear filled eyes. I frowned and picked her up, setting her down on my leg. "What's wrong, baby?" I asked worriedly. Keira just shook her head and hid her face in my chest. Logan looked at us, the same concern in his eyes I felt too. She didn't look up, but wasn't crying anymore either. I rubbed her back gently and decided to just let her be for a while, she was probably just tired after all that happened today and wanted to sit for a few minutes.

Just ten minutes later Kegan found us. "Keira! Come play with us again!"

She shook her head. "I don't want to."

"But I want you to! And that silly girl with the ball is away!"

Keira looked terrified for a moment, but hid the fear surprisingly quick. It wasn't fast enough to stop all the alarm bells in my head from tingling though. "I'll come," She said quickly and before I could stop her she took off with her little brother.

Silly girl with a ball? What was Kegan talking about? Why did Keira look do scared? What was wrong with me that I didn't notice that before? Why wasn't I following them right now to find out who the girl was Kegan mention? Was I seriously thinking about spying on my kids? I excused myself and got up, Logan was the only one that knew I wasn't going to use the bathroom.

I was almost outside when I accidentally knocked over a little girl. I immediately kneeled down and helped her back on her feet. "I'm so sorry, are you-"

"Dude, what are you doing with my kid?" I heard a harsh voice ask behind me.

"I was just apologizing-" I abruptly stopped talking when I realized who I was talking to; an older, even uglier version of Wayne Wayne -or Wally Dooly, the name I preferred. Instead of wearing his black bad boy outfit like ten years ago, he was now wearing black skinny jeans and a dark blue blouse, more than half of the buttons were open, revealing a very tan and very hairy chest. It was probably supposed to look sexy, but to me it was ridiculous. "Wally."

"Knight," He growled and quickly walked around me to his daughter that looked a lot like him. Poor girl. "Why did you knock over my daughter? Did he do it on purpose, pumpkin?"

"I wouldn't hurt a child," I said in disbelieve. "It was an accident, she came running out of nowhere."

"Yeah, sure. Find a better excuse, asshole."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't have time for this. I'm sorry for running into you, kid," I said to the girl and then walked away. I wouldn't hurt a child, not even Wayne Wayne's daughter. It wasn't her fault she was born as his daughter. I felt sorry for her.

I reached the play field and saw Kegan, Lizzy and Keira playing together happily. Scanning the playground I saw no girl with a ball. I hoped it would stay like that, I didn't want Keira to get hurt again. I went back to the table and wondered what Wayne Wayne was doing here anyway. Katie didn't like him, so it must've been Dak that invited him. Must be a celebrity thing; inviting every famous person they ever talked with, even if it was just a few words.

I sat in my seat next to Logan and smiled at him reassuringly, telling him silently that she was fine now. He sat a bit closer and grabbed my hand, holding it tight. We sat there with our friends until it was time for dinner, James went outside to get the children. They didn't like it they had to stop playing, but stopped complaining quickly when they saw all the good food on the tables.

Keira sat in my lap during dinner and Kegan in Logan's, simply because there weren't enough chairs. She was better now, smiling and answering the questions Camille and Jo asked her, but the happy face was gone. I was really going to figure it out soon, I didn't want this to go on for the rest of her life.

After dinner the children wanted to go outside and play again, but I didn't think that was a good idea. It was getting late and it would be dark soon, I didn't want them to go outside then. "Keira, Kegan, I don't want you to go outside anymore," I told them.

"Why?" Kegan whined. "Inside is boring."

"There is a TV in the family room, go play there. I don't want to see you two outside."

"Lizzy the same counts for you," James added quickly. Lizzy just nodded and the three of them left, off to the private room and the TV.

"Kendall do you think there are networks for children on that TV?" Logan asked sharply.

"I don't know, does it matter?"

"So if they turn on the TV and zap around a bit it doesn't bother you they could come across something like a horror movie? Or porn? Or anything else that gives them nightmares?"

I snickered. "I didn't know you got nightmares from porn."

He smacked the back of my head. "Focus! Go tell them they can only watch Nickelodeon or Disney or something."

I stared at Logan for a moment, wondering when he turned into my wife, rather than my sweet, little husband. "I'll go tell them, Logie," I said and kissed the top of his head before walking to the room where the kids went.

I went back after finding out there are only Children's Networks on that tv, stopping when I saw Logan speeding to the bathroom, his hand tightly pressed against his mouth. I ran after him, finding him bent over the first toilet in the restroom. I put my hand on his back, rubbing softly when he flinched. "It's me," I mumbled.

I sat next to him until he was done throwing up. He wiped his mouth with some toilet paper and looked at me, eyes big and sad and asking for a hug. I got up and helped him back on his feet too before pulling him into my arms. "Baby doesn't like seafood," Logan muttered.

I nodded and kissed the top of his head. "Feel better now?"

"Yeah," He said and smiled up at me, then put his head back on my chest. We stood there for a while, but after a few minutes Logan pulled away. "I would kiss you, but you're not going to let me until I clean my mouth so I'm gonna do that now."

I chuckled and let go of him, waiting with my back against the wall until he was done. He came back to me and instantly pressed our lips together, moving slowly. I kissed back, realizing I missed it all day. It was pretty stupid actually, I couldn't even go without kissing my husband for a whole day. I'm sure other couples were a lot less clingy then we were.

I pulled away fairly quickly. It didn't feel good to make out in a bathroom at my sister's wedding. Logan pouted and I smiled, giving him a kiss on his forehead. "Let's go back now."

He nodded and stepped back, taking the hand I gave him before we walked out of the bathroom. "Do you want me to get you something else to eat?" I asked.

"No, I'm okay. I'll just take a really big piece of the cake." He pointed to two man that were riding a really big wedding cake to the middle of the floor.

I laughed. "Alright. We should go get Keira and Kegan, I bet they want some of that pie too."

"Sure."

But 'just getting the children' didn't turn out to be that simple, because once we got inside another person had joined the two kids. I'd completely forgotten about Joanna Mitchell. Logan froze when he saw his mother, his grip on my hand tightened. She looked up too, the smile disappearing when she was her son. "Keira, Kegan," I said slowly, not taking my eyes of the woman that looked nothing like my husband, but somehow was his mother. "The cake is here, why don't you two go find auntie Katie and ask her to get you a piece?"

They both nodded eagerly and ran past us out of the room. It stayed quiet, none of us said anything. After a minute Logan shook his head and left, I hesitated for a moment, eyeing the disappointed look on Joanna's face, but then I went after Logan. She wasn't worth it. If she wanted to make it up to him, she should make the first step herself.

She prevented Logan Mitchell Sr. from seeing his son a last time, he died before Logan even knew he was sick. It wasn't like Logan had a good bond with either of his parents, but it was just mean to stop him from visiting him. Then when her husband died, Joanna tried to make Logan organize the whole funeral, but obviously Logan wasn't feeling up to that and they got in a fight. It was her fault, she ignored him. She was the one that had to apologize.

I found Logan with Keira and Kegan in the circle of people that were watching Katie and Dak slice the cake. His face was blank, but I knew him well enough to see he was upset. I stood behind him and put my arms around his waist, holding him against me. "Just don't think about it," I whispered in his ear before placing a kiss on it. "She's not worth it."

He nodded and leaned against me, his hands coming to lie over mine on his belly. "Will you dance with me tonight?"

"You know I will," He said softly, still not completely with his mind off his mother.

I smiled and put my head on his shoulder, rubbing my thumb over his stomach while we watched Katie and Dak slice the cake and stuff it in each others face. Or rather, Dak gave Katie a nice little bite on a fork and Katie took some with her hand and pressed it against his mouth. Laughter erupt from the crowd when Dak pulled away, his face dirty with cake. Logan grinned too. I was happy about that. When Katie and Dak both got a slice of cake the two man that brought the cake in started slicing the cake and gave the other people a piece too. I told Logan to take the children back to the table and I would get us all a piece.

But when I got back I immediately noticed something was wrong. Keira and Kegan were sitting on the side, their eyes wide with shock. Logan was sitting next to Carlos who looked very close to crying. James was nowhere to be seen. My first thought was that the two of them had a fight, but as soon as Logan saw me he told me what was really going on. "Lizzy's missing. She went with Keira and Kegan to the family room to watch TV, but then she went to the bathroom. According to Keira she never came back. James is looking for her now."

"I'll go search too." I put the cake I brought on the table and pulled out my phone, quickly dialing James' number.

He answered immediately. "Carlos? Is she there?"

"I'm not Carlos," I said quickly. "I'm going to help you find her, where are you looking now, then I know where to go search for her."

"Kendall. Okay. Uhm, I went to the private rooms to see if she went back there, going to the kitchen and bathrooms now. Can you look outside? I told her not to go there, but who knows what goes on in the mind of a four year old."

"Okay, I will. We'll find her James."

"I hope so. Call me when you do, okay? I- Carlos is worried sick."

"Yeah, of course." He ended the call and I put my phone back in my pocket. I ran to the doors and went outside, looking around the dark, deserted area. I got that creepy feeling again, the same one I got when Lizzy was lost at school, but it was worse now. We still didn't know anything about her biological parents, what they wanted and where they were. What if they were here today and took Lizzy? I didn't see the lady we saw at the school, but it was possible that the father was here, the man we didn't know for sure if he was involved or not.

I walked to the play ground where the children played today, she wasn't there, but I would've felt stupid to not look there. Then I went to the stables, maybe Keira told her about the horses and she wanted to take a look herself, but when I got there, the doors were locked. There was no way Lizzy could've gotten in there without the key.

I started to walk faster, the urge to find my godchild growing quickly. I felt guilty for not realizing earlier that she wasn't in the private room with Keira and Kegan, but Logan's mother took my mind of that completely. I just assumed she was with James and Carlos. "Lizzy!" I shouted, hoping she would hear me and answer. "Where are you?"

I ran through the parked car, not taking a particular path, but it didn't matter because I heard voices. A man's voice and the familiar voice of a little girl I knew. I stopped and listened, trying to make out where the voices were coming from. Left. Once I got closer I could hear what was said. "And what do they look like, sweetheart?"

"T-tall and s-s-short," I heard Lizzy's little voice say. I felt relieve washing over me and I quickly ran up to her. She was safe.

"Lizzy!" I said happily when she came into view. My smile widened when I saw it was Daniel crouching down next to her, she'd been in good hands. The little girl looked up when she heard my voice and ran up to me, I picked her up and held her tight. "It's okay, baby. I'm going to get you back to your daddies."

I looked up to thank Daniel, but he was gone. I frowned, but then shrugged and figured he was just in a hurry to go home, or maybe he got a call from the hospital. Lizzy was more important right now anyway. "Are you okay, Lizzy?"

She nodded, but gripped onto me tighter and pressed her face in my shoulder. I walked quicker, feeling the only thing Lizzy wanted now was to be safely in the arms of her father and go home with them. "That man was nice to you, right? He's a doctor, like Logan."

"Yes, he w-was r-really nice," She whispered. I smiled, figuring she was getting over the shock. Losing your parents and not knowing where you are was a terrifying experience for a little girl like her.

"Why did you go out here, honey?"

"I t-thought d-daddy l-l-left m-me," She whimpered.

"They would never do that, Lizzy. Both of them love you so much," I told her, rubbing her back softly while I carried her back. "I love you too and so does Logan. No one even thought about leaving you here alone, sweet girl."

She didn't respond and I realized I probably wasn't the one she wanted to hear that from. Lizzy just wanted her parents.

I reached the building and opened the door, working myself a way through the people that were starting to dance. At last I saw Carlos sitting in the same chair I left him in, one of his hands in his hair and the other holding his phone. Logan was still next to him, holding his hand. "Carlos!" I shouted when I was close enough. He looked up, his eyes widening in relieve when he saw the little blonde girl clinging to me tightly. He got up and ran up to me, immediately taking his daughter out of my arms and hugged her close.

"I'm so happy to see you again," He whispered in Lizzy's ear. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

She nodded, her body starting to shake a little bit. Carlos looked at me over her shoulder. "Call James for me?"

"Yeah, sure," I said and pulled out my phone, quickly calling my best friend who was still searching for his daughter while Carlos took Lizzy back to the seats and held her close.

"You found her?" James asked when he picked up his phone.

"Yes, she's with Carlos right now."

"Thank god," He breathed. "I'll be there in a minute." James ended the call, probably in a hurry to see his little girl again. I put my phone away and up to Logan who had a smile on his face again.

"Where did you find her?" Logan asked. "Was she outside?"

"Yeah, I found her in the parking lot. Daniel was with her, so at least she was in good hands."

Logan raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Oh, that's good, I guess. I wonder why he didn't just bring her back here though, he knows James and Carlos are her parents."

"Maybe he only just found her and wanted to calm her down a bit first. He was in a hurry though, because the moment I picked Lizzy up he was gone."

Logan shrugged. "Strange, but everything about that guy is strange, so I don't bother trying to figure him out anymore."

I chuckled and sat next to Logan, wrapping my arm around his waist. "Where are Keira and Kegan?" I asked when I noticed they were gone.

"Camille wanted to go find a quiet place so Paige could sleep and said she would watch Keira and Kegan too. They're in the family room. It might be nice if one of us goes there to watch the children so she can go enjoy the party."

I nodded. "We'll both go." We looked up when James ran in, immediately going over to his husband and daughter. He sat down next to Carlos and put his arms around them, kissing both of their cheeks. I didn't hear what he was saying, but it was probably sweet and comforting stuff to calm Lizzy down.

Logan got up and pulling at my arm. "You wanted to dance, right?" He said with a grin. I smiled and let him pull me onto the dance floor, sliding my arms around his waist. I think we danced for about an hour before Logan decided it was time to go to Camille and the children. When we got there, we saw it wasn't just Camille sitting there. James and Carlos were here too with Lizzy. "Hey guys," Camille said happily.

"Hey, we came to take over from you," Logan said. "But it isn't really necessary since James and Carlos are here…"

"No! Stay! I want to go out!" She said quickly and sneaked past us out of the room.

I laughed and went up to James and Carlos, sitting down in the chair next to the couch they sat on. Logan went to the stroller and checked on baby Paige. "Kendall," James said quietly.

I turned to him, eyebrows raised. "Where did you find Lizzy?"

"Oh. She was outside, thought you guys left without her. Daniel was with her."

"Who's Daniel?" Carlos asked worriedly.

"He's Logan's friend from the hospital, he's also a doctor. I know him, he's a good guy."

They nodded, both of their gazes turning back to their daughter that was sitting next to Keira and Kegan on the ground, watching a movie. She looked happy again, forgot about what happened completely. I could see James and Carlos weren't going to forget about this as easy. They were already worried about her, this was just the kind of thing they couldn't deal with right now. The lady was saw at the school still wasn't found so we still had no idea what she wanted. Logan and I didn't find a link to the sister either, something I felt really guilty about. "Logan has to work Monday morning, but right after that we're going to the archive to search for Lizzy's sister again," I said softly. "We both feel kinda guilty because we didn't do that all week."

"It's okay," James said, Carlos nodded in agreement. "We know not to expect anything, definitely not so soon. Things like this take time."

I nodded, smiling a little. Logan came up to us, Paige in his arms, and he sat in my lap. "I thought she was sleeping," I said amused.

"She woke up when I put her hat back on her head."

I grinned. "You woke her up, didn't you?"

"No, why would I?"

"Because then you had the excuse to hold her?"

He blushed and I knew I was right. "Eight more months is a long time, Kendall. Let me have this, okay?"

I chuckled and kissed his cheek. "I think it's cute."

"Disgusting," James said teasingly. "Carlos, we're not that bad, right?"

"Definitely not," Carlos agreed.

Logan glared at them and stuck his tongue out. "You're just jealous."

That shut them up, Carlos' face going blank while James got angry. "It's not easy for us, okay?" He snapped at Logan who only now realized his comment hurt them pretty much.

"James, I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry," He said softly.

Our tall friend calmed down, but didn't look at Logan anymore for the rest of the time we sat there. Carlos talked to him normally, but he too was hurt by what Logan said. I understood and they would probably be over it by tomorrow, but I could tell my husband felt bad about it. Around eleven Camille came back, Steve following behind her. They were going home. I decided it had been enough for tonight, Keira and Kegan were being whiny, most likely because they were exhausted. It was far past their normal bedtime and they were going to be horrible tomorrow.

James and Carlos walked with us to the cars and I rode behind them on the way home. We said goodnight before separating and all going to the right house. Keira and Kegan fell asleep on the way home, something that seemed to happen a lot lately. I carried Keira and Logan took Kegan to his room. I changed her into pj's and put her in bed, hoping she would look as happy tomorrow as she did today.

I went back to our room, meeting Logan in the bathroom where he was brushing his teeth. I followed his example, when we were both done we got out of our clothes and climbed in bed. Logan fell asleep quickly, his body pressed tightly against my side. I laid awake for a while, gently running my hand through his hair and thinking back to all that happened today. And I decided, even though some bad stuff happened, it had been a good day.

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><p><strong>SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LONG! I can't believe I actually finished. It seemed to go on forever and ever and ever and I think it's not even all that good. But since I didn't feel like writing it all over again, I decided to post it anyway. I hope you enjoyed it! :)<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**So, I don't know if people are confused about this or not, but Keira is in her second year of kindergarten and Kegan in his first. I tried to figure out how the school system works in the USA and I think I get it now, except for the kindergarten part. In the Netherlands we've two years of kindergarten, in those classes you just play and learn simple things. After that you start elementary school, when you're six. So that's how I did it. After the summer vacation Keira will go to first grade.**

**In the last chapter I made a mistake, Logan and Kendall meet Daniel twice... I'm sorry! I was just so glad I got that chapter done that I didn't feel like rereading it at all and just posted it. I feel really stupid now, from now on I'll pay more attention!**

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><p><strong><strong>I smiled when I saw my husband lying on the couch, his head on a pillow and his legs pulled up slightly. He probably fell asleep after working in James' and Carlos' backyard. When they saw what he'd done with ours, they wanted him to do theirs too. And of course Kendall said yes, because he liked doing it and had something to distract himself when I was at the hospital.

But when I was at the archive for an hour I started worrying where he was. He was supposed to meet me there, but he never showed up. I figured he just forgot about the time or something else came up, but then it took really long and I decided to go home to check up on him. And here I was, watching him sleep peacefully on the couch and I couldn't bring myself to wake him up yet.

I quietly walked up to him and sat on the couch next to his head. I lifted his head in my lap, pushing the pillow away. He shifted a little and I held my breath, wishing he wouldn't wake up. Kendall sighed and smacked his lips, but his eyes stayed shut and I released my breath. I put my hand in his hair and started running my fingers through it, loving how he looked calmer the moment my hand was on his head.

It had been like this since the day I came back, about ten weeks ago now. Every time I saw his face lighting up when he saw me, I felt so, so guilty for ever leaving him like that. For even letting him be alone for one second. He didn't deserve it, I still felt guilty every time I saw the intense happy look in his eyes. I was glad he was happy, of course, but he shouldn't be.

He shouldn't be this... this... I didn't even know. Kendall was too attached, too deeply in love, he cared too much; and he was going to end up hurt. I was terrified I would fuck up again and hurt him, because of all those reasons. I wasn't going to do anything like leaving him again, but that didn't mean I could avoid all the accidental times I was going to hurt him. They were accidents. But Kendall got hurt by them and that hurt me and I wanted to avoid those things more than anything.

If I was honest I had to admit I loved this side of Kendall more than I hated it. He was always there for everyone, our family specifically. He always helped, no matter how big the problem was. Kendall took care of everybody, made sure all of us were happy and was the first one to go fix it if something wasn't right. He did it without thinking, without even considering the consequences it would have for himself.

I sighed, still softly running my hands through his soft blonde locks while I thought about Kendall. I couldn't even start to describe how grateful I was he was letting me be here, that he took me back and still loved me after all I did. I was so happy to be back here again, to be around Kendall all day and see how he was on cloud nine all the time, simply because I was here. It was an honor, to be the person Kendall loved so much. He was the most perfect human being in the world and the fact he chose me to love was a lot to process sometimes, because I never thought I would end up with a guy that loved me as much as he did. Kendall was amazing, wonderful, and I wasn't going to give him up for anything. Not again, anyway.

I loved him so much. It wasn't natural, really, how much more I felt for him after I 'came back.' I felt guilty for even considering it, but as it looked now, I'd never loved him as much as I did now. Yes, I adored Kendall for everything he did for me, for loving me enough to stay with me even during my darkest days. And I'd always loved him, always, just... It was like my love for him doubled over the time I was gone. Maybe it was just an illusion, because I hadn't been with him in a while. Maybe it was true, but then it didn't matter either because I felt like I was on the very edge of exploding with love for him; every cell in my body was focused on Kendall and Keira and Kegan and our little baby in my belly. Because it was all his, all thanks to him we got where we are now and describing how grateful I was, how much I loved him for that, was just impossible.

Being with Kendall, saying yes to him all those years ago, was the best thing to ever happen to me. He was the perfect husband; more than I ever dreamed of having, more than I ever even thought of, more than I thought I deserved to have -but I wasn't going to complain, never give up on what's too good for you. And Kendall was at the top of the list of people that were too good for me. It was quite a big list when I thought of it, every one of my family members and friends was on it, because I decided to fuck up and be a coldhearted asshole of a doctor that didn't even want to make free time for his own family; for the people he loved.

I never forgot the night I came back here, how Kendall yelled at me and insulted me and hurt me and had every right to do it, because I'd hurt him so much more than I could even start to imagine. I still know how he called me 'Mitchell', how I wanted to sink to the floor and cry my eyes out because I thought he was going to leave me. And I couldn't even blame him; leaving me would've been the best decision he ever made. Just not for me.

I remembered the things he said about Keira and Kegan, how I'd hurt them too by being such a horrible father. How much it hurt him they rather wanted me, the person that was never there for them, than him, their papa, who was there and helped them and took care of them and loved them.

The things he said about his own feelings were engraved in my memory and I swore to myself Kendall was never going to feel like that again, I was always going to be here if he needed me that much. I didn't know how I deserved that, or what I did to make Kendall want me so much, but as long as he did there was no way I was letting go of him ever again.

I'd been terrified when he closed his hand around my neck. Not even for myself -I deserved it- but for him. He was too good to kill people, Kendall didn't have one evil bone in his body and killing, or even hurting me, was going to crush him. I knew he wouldn't be able to live it down if he did any permanent damage to my body. Luckily he didn't and I was lucky enough to be spared, but I didn't really care about that. I wanted Kendall back and I would go to hell and back for him if I had to, as long as he still loved me I didn't really care what happened to me.

And then the incredible intimate love scene right here on this couch. I tried to tell him everything when I got the chance, when he was finally letting himself feel and listen to the words I said. I wanted to explain what I'd felt on that moment the best I could, tell him just how much I wanted him and loved him and wanted to stay with him. Most of the things I wanted to say didn't come out right -or not at all. But it didn't matter because in the end Kendall still loved me and wanted nothing more than to have me back in his arms at night, back in his house, back in his life. Having his baby...

Kendall always said 'our baby.' I never ever heard him say the words 'the baby.' I had no idea why he did it, but I loved it. I loved how he looked at the fetus in my stomach like it was here already. Though in my mind it wasn't 'our baby'; it was Kendall's baby. He was the one that brought us back together, back to what we had before I started med school. He was the one that got me pregnant with the third baby we'd always wanted. The little life inside of me was Kendall's baby and it was my job to keep it safe until it was born. And I was going to do everything I could to do just that, because maybe then, I would finally feel like I made it up to him. I got him a baby, his baby.

I was doing so already, doing my best to keep his baby safe. I did all the things Kendall told me to do, or not to do. I ate a lot of food, always healthy, nothing that could harm the baby or my body during pregnancy. I followed the list he put on the refrigerator, didn't even drink coffee anymore. I checked my blood levels regularly, always writing the results down so Kendall could see them and I mailed them to Dr. Young once a week. I hoped it was enough for him, enough to make him stop worrying about me so much.

I didn't like that, how he was always worried about me. I was fine, I did everything he told me to do and I was a doctor for crying out loud, I knew when something was wrong with me. And now I was responsible for his baby as well; I wasn't ever going to screw that up. It meant too much to me, too much to him. It was our child, an innocent, helpless life that needed me to survive until he was ready to be born and even after that. There was no mammal young that was as helpless as a human baby.

And I did more things apart from eating healthy and keeping a close eye on my diabetes to make sure the baby was safe; for Kendall. I came home directly after I worked, knowing Kendall would start worrying if I was even a minute late. I stayed in the same room as him as much as I could, because not only made it feel him better, it made me feel better as well. Kendall was right there, he would help me when something was wrong.

I made sure to kiss him plenty during the day, knowing Kendall loved kissing. I curled up in his lap every chance I got, because Kendall enjoyed cuddling. I slept in his arms every night, not leaving the bed until he let go of me. I gave him all the love making he wanted, hoping it would keep him happy and in love with me. I needed Kendall to be with me.

There was this... devotion for Kendall I never had before. Like he was the center of the world. Kendall was so important for all of us and I was so lucky to have him. If I'd only realized that before I took off. I think I never worried about it before because I knew Kendall would always be there. He'd always been and I never thought that would change. But then he kicked me out and I couldn't believe it, couldn't believe the fact I'd actually lost Kendall.

And then I came back here and Kendall greeted me with that kiss and I had a little bit hope it would all be okay again. That he would say he'd missed me and ask me what I wanted to eat that night, like nothing had ever happened. But then he suddenly turned cold and I was absolutely terrified. Kendall even sent me away that day, out of his sight. He'd never done that before, he always used to be happy to have me around.

And then he'd called me Mitchell and honestly, that scared me more than anything ever did. More than Jett had with his knife near my stomach while I was pregnant, more than the chance of loosing Kegan after the emergency c-section. Because both times, Kendall loved me. I knew he loved me and he made the world look a little less dark to me. He was still the only person I felt truly comfortable -not included Keira and Kegan- because Kendall was the only person that made me feel good about myself. Feel safe and loved.

And the idea of losing that was terrifying. I had no idea what to do without Kendall; where would I live? Who would hold me at night? Who would make me feel like I was the only thing in the world? I was sure there would never be another person I could love as much as I loved Kendall. I couldn't even go without him for one day anymore, knowing that I'd never have him again. It was different when I worked so much, because I simply didn't see the signs he might leave me. After he kicked me out, I knew there was no way I could go to work again, the idea of never going home to Kendall again was too painful.

And then, after he yelled at me for a long time and practically raped me he said 'he didn't mean to hurt me'. From that moment on, I knew I could win him back. I tried my hardest to show him I loved him and still had the deepest feelings for him in the history of love. We made love again, after such a long time and I could see the pain in Kendall's eyes and it killed me inside, knowing how much I'd hurt him over the past months.

We were lovers again, something we hadn't been in a long time and something I knew Kendall craved. Something he could hardly live without.

And then later, when we were in our room, snuggled up together, Kendall gave me the necklace I lost when Jett got to me. That was the moment I knew I would do anything he said, to be worthy of that necklace, to be Kendall's. He could make me do anything and I would do it, he deserved nothing less for keeping up all those months without my help. With Keira and Kegan and James and Carlos and Lizzy and his mother and Katie and Dak and his own pain he couldn't talk about with anyone. Not with the couples, because they were couples, and not with the children... He had no one and I felt immense guilt for ever making him feel so lonely. No one deserved that and definitely not Kendall.

Being with Kendall, the most caring, helpful, loving person in the world, was like living a dream. He never showed any flaws, not even in the days after I came back. He was just really emotional and sensitive back then and I couldn't blame him. Kendall had to go through so much pain and then I was finally there with him again, after having to miss me for so long. In his eyes, everyday I went to the hospital I left him, of course he was terrified I would just do that again. But I wasn't going to; Kendall was too important.

I caressed his cheek, smiling when I saw him curling closer to me, his hand coming up to grip my knee before he decided he was comfortable like this and relaxed again. I'd missed him today, when I was at work. I had to get up before he woke up in the morning. I had to work till one pm, then he would come to the hospital archive and help me search for Lizzy's sister. After that we were supposed to go pick up the children from school and go do some shopping, because Kegan was suddenly growing very fast and Keira could use some new clothes as well. And so did I, since I was pregnant and would be fat in a month or two. I already noticed my jeans getting uncomfortably tight. Lucky Kendall told me I could wear his shirts again, that was great. I liked wearing Kendall's clothes.

In the hour I waited for Kendall I did some searching, but it was just hard. It was insane how much baby's got abandoned every day. It was almost hopeless to look for a girl with or without burn that was born on March 3rd. There were so much baby's! The only thing I was happy about was that we could eliminate all the boys; after all the lady had asked Lizzy about her sister and not her brother. That was something. But every time I went over all the pictures and information of a baby found on the third day of March I got the feeling we weren't going to find her here. What if the parents didn't drop the other baby off at a hospital or orphanage? What if they gave her to some stranger? What if a person found the two baby's crying in a waiting room and decided to take one of them, leaving the other sister to be found by us?

The more I thought about that, the more I realized that didn't make sense either. Why would the lady ask Lizzy about her sister, when she knew James and Carlos only had one of them? There were a lot of pictures of James, Carlos and Lizzy circling around the web, because both my friends were pretty famous, because of Big Time Rush, of course, but James was a model as well. How could they not know my friends had only one of the girls? It was ridiculous and I was getting frustrated. I was smart, why couldn't I see what they wanted? Did the lady want her daughters back? Or did she just want to see if they were alright or not? Or was there a complete different reason I just didn't see? But my biggest question was: Why would the lady assume James and Carlos had the sister as well? Should we've found the sister? Should we know where she was? Why did it look so logical to her? And why did we miss what was so obvious to her? It had to be something small, something we could easily fail to notice, something even I didn't think about yet. Something so obvious we didn't even think about checking up on.

I let out another frustrated sigh at my growing self-irritation. I was a fucking genius, why couldn't I just figure out where Lizzy's sister was so I could make my friends happy? It couldn't be that hard, right? Then I remembered I was pregnant and stressing like this wasn't good for the baby. Kendall's baby, a little boy or girl with the green eyes and blonde hair and wicked eyebrows I loved so much. I really, really wanted a little Kendall this time. No, not even that, just green eyes would be fine. Bright, emerald green eyes. I smiled happily and started running my hand through the blonde locks in my lap again.

Thinking of my and Kendall's baby calmed me down, though there was one thing I'd been thinking about for a while now that had everything to do with the baby, but was quite stressing. Ever since the first minute I found out I was pregnant I'd had a name in my head for him or her. The only name that was good enough for our little love baby; Kendall. It worked for a boy and a girl and I just knew it was right. Kendall deserved it to have a child being named after him –not counting Kegan, because technically our son was named after James, Carlos and me as well. No, after everything Kendall did for me, after forgiving me, after giving new life to our marriage and giving both of us this wonderful new member for our family, there was no way I wanted to give any other name than Kendall to the life in my belly.

I'd mentioned it playfully, on the morning in the shower before Katie's wedding, but he just laughed at it and thought I was being ridiculous. Yes, he'd thought I was joking, but I was still hesitant to bring it up again. What if he didn't appreciate the gesture? What if he thought it was stupid and would dismiss the idea immediately? He said he didn't like his name, then why would he give one of his children the same name? I was doubtful and uncertain about setting this through, but I would talk to him about it again in a few months. It was way too soon to think about names anyway, the chance on a miscarriage was the biggest in the first trimester and until the beginning of the fourth month we weren't going to do anything for the baby. Than it would hurt even more if we lost it.

I screamed when I looked down and saw Kendall staring up at me, a smile lingering on his lips. "That's not funny!" I whined when he started laughing. I pouted. "One moment you're sleeping and the next you're awake."

"I've been awake for ten minutes or so, sweetie. What were you thinking about that brought you so far away?" He asked curiously.

I stroked the hair of his forehead, Kendall closed his eyes again and leaned into the touch. If he'd been a kitten he would've purred. "About Lizzy's sister and where she is."

He nodded slowly and turned onto his back, still enjoying my hand in his hair. "Did you find anything? Sorry for not calling, I was really tired and thought I was just going to take a quick nap, but now you're here so I guess it must be a lot later."

"It's two thirty, and it's okay. I was worried when you didn't show up, but I got it when I saw you lying here." Kendall turned his head and pulled up my shirt a little, pressing a kiss to my stomach. "And no, I didn't find anything, I'm getting the feeling we'll never find something and James and Carlos will be all disappointed in us."

Kendall chuckled, kissing my stomach again. "That won't happen, sweetie. They'll understand we can't find anything and we tried our best, right? We'll help them find another way to find Lizzy's sister."

My heart had skipped a beat when he called me 'sweetie' and after that I honestly believed every word he said. It was crazy how much control Kendall had over me, I wasn't going to tell him exactly how much though. "You're probably right," I said, giggling softly when I felt Kendall place a whole series of kisses on my belly. "What are you doing?"

"Kissing your tummy so our baby will now I love him," He told me as if it was obvious. And I was swooning all over again. "I can't wait until I can feel him or her move."

"Two more months, Kendall. Babies start moving in the fourth month of pregnancy," I said, still running my hand through his hair.

"I know that," He sighed, "It's way too long..."

I chuckled and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. He turned his head when he felt it, capturing my lips. I melted into it, loving it when Kendall did things like that, randomly kissing me just because he could. He put his hand on the back of my neck, keeping me down as he moved his lips against mine. And while I loved it, this bent over position was really uncomfortable. "Kendall," I muttered between kisses. "This position... hmm... kinda hurts."

Immediately he let go of me, allowing me to sit straight again. Kendall made a move to sit up as well, but I stopped him. I crawled over and straddled him, taking his face in my hands. He grinned widely, once again gripping the back of my neck to pull me in for another kiss. Kendall moved our lips together gently, our kiss slow and sweet. I loved it, even more when his sneaked his hand under my shirt and softly rubbed my stomach. This was exactly why I loved Kendall so much.

After a few minutes Kendall let go of me, letting me scoot down a bit so I could rest my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and gently ran his fingers over my spine. "How was work?" He asked quietly.

"Same as always. You remember that little boy I told you about, Tommy? I think Daniel mentioned him too when we were at the hospital a few weeks ago."

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well, he's got some kind of bacteria in his foot, that slowly started to work their way up his leg. We tried to block it, but the antibiotics didn't work and today we had to take the decision to amputate his leg. He was devastated."

"That's sad, Logie. But you did what you could, right? At least he'll live now."

I sighed. "Yeah. I still wished I could've healed it, he's been my patient for a long time. And he's just 8 years old! He reminded me of Kegan a bit."

"It was probably for the best, don't blame yourself for it, Logie. And he'll learn how he can walk with a artificial leg, right?"

I nodded. "We already sent his sizes to the factory that makes them. He'll have it the moment he's out of surgery."

Kendall smiled and kissed the top of my head. "Everything works out in the end, baby, even cruel things like this. It'll all be fine again."

Once again, my heart melted at the words he said and I snuggled deeper into his chest. I loved him so much. Kendall's hands moved up under my shirt and I shivered a little, but it wasn't at all bad. He gently ran them over my back and I closed my eyes. I felt like this anytime he said something sweet like that, or gave me a random kiss that was filled with way too much love to be called a 'normal kiss.' I was falling over and over and over again, a little more every time it happened.

I had no idea how I ever lived without this. Kendall was the most amazing and wonderful person in the world. No one came even close to his perfectness. "I love you," I whispered; there was just no other way I could explain him how I felt about him.

"I love you too, Logie," He said softly. His hands came up to frame my face tenderly, the soft burning love in his eyes more than enough to bind me to him forever. Yes, there was no way I was ever going to leave him. I wouldn't survive.

I brushed my lips over his, noticing how Kendall was desperately craving it. I gave him exactly what he wanted, what he needed, before resting my head back on his chest. He sighed happily, going back to running his hands over my back. "How did it go with gardening?"

"Ugh. It was exhausting. At first James and Carlos fought about the style; you know them, Carlos likes everything wild and colorful and James wants everything stylish and modern. They were shouting all over the store and ended up making out, then they decided they wanted colorful, but still stylish."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. "So you guys bought a bunch of plants and then?"

"We went back, James and Carlos arguing again about where I should start. But once they solved that Carlos went to work and I had a pretty good time with James."

"Didn't he have to go somewhere?" I asked surprised. From our two friends, James was the busiest with all the modeling stuff. He had to go to photo shoots, do runway walk shit, give interviews and do so much more.

"He's cutting down on that," Kendall said. "He didn't really tell me the reason, but it probably has something to do with Lizzy. He's coming with us to get the kids from school today."

I nodded. "Is he coming with us to the mall as well?"

Kendall pulled a face. "James and shopping? Are you sure you want that?"

"We've to go shopping anyway, let him come, it's not so bad. Besides, maybe we can get him to take the girls to a girls' store and we'll take Kegan."

Kendall laughed. "You're adorable when you try to be mean. Let's do that."

I smiled and kissed him eagerly. "Let's go then. I want to see what you made of their garden and James is probably going to take ages before he's ready." He nodded and we got off the couch, walking over to the door.

"We're taking my car?"

"It's the only one we'll all fit in."

Kendall nodded and grabbed his keys and wallet, before opening the door and letting me go out first. I grabbed his hand when he'd closed the door and pulled him closer until I could wrap his arm around my waist. He was looking at me with that amused look again, but he just kissed my temple and kept his arm around my waist.

We walked to the house next to hours and went inside, finding James in the kitchen with a news paper and a pack of chocolate chip cookies. "Oh, hi guys," He said, taking his legs off the table. "It it time already?"

"Yeah," Kendall said, "School is out at three so we have to go soon."

"Okay. I'll go fix my hair. Help yourself," He waved to his cookies and the fridge and then walked upstairs.

I eagerly went up to the table and grabbed one of the cookies James was eating early. They were my favorite, okay? And I was pregnant. And Kendall liked it when I ate. Reasons enough. I took two and turned back to Kendall. He was watching me with a smile, a happy look in his eyes. "Open up," I said, holding the cookie against his lips. He did and I shoved it inside, laughing when he had to slap my hand away and take part of the cookie out of his mouth because it didn't fit. "Aw. Sorry."

"You're not sorry," He said with a playful glare once he could talk again.

"You're right. I'm not. But I love you," I said sweetly and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He smiled and kissed my forehead on the moment James came back. "Alright, enough lovey dovey shit, let's go," He said. "Who's driving?"

"We're going to the mall after we picked them up. Kegan needs new clothes and so does Logan. You can ride with us if you want to come or take your own car if you're gonna go home," Kendall said.

"I'll come. Sounds fun. Maybe I can call Carlos to come there too and we'll grab something to eat?"

"That's cool. Okay, let's go." The three of us walked back to our house and got in the car, Kendall drove, James sat in the passenger seat and I sat in the back. It sucked. We talked some until we reached the school and got out of the car, walking to the school building and waited on the playground with the other parents until the children would come out.

Lizzy and Kegan came first, holding each others hand until the girl spotted James and ran up to him. "Daddy!"

He grinned and picked his daughter up, but then I got distracted by Kegan gripping my leg. "Hey, buddy," I said happily and petted his head. "Where's your sister?"

He frowned and shook his head. "I don't know."

"Okay. Well, she'll be here soon."

Kegan started telling about what he'd done today, Lizzy occasionally interrupted to tell what she did at that moment or to add something. But ten minutes later, there was still no sign of Keira and I started to get worried. Where was she? I noticed Kendall was nervously looking at the door every few seconds and even James had a frown on his face. It was nothing for Keira to stay behind like this. She was always one of the first to come out.

I was about to walk inside to school to search for my daughter when her teacher, Ms. Collins, came out the doors and walked up to us. "Mr. Knight? Can you come with me? It's about Keira."

I bit my lip, fearing what was coming now. "Yes, of course," Kendall said quickly. "James, can you take Kegan?"

"Sure. Come, let's go back to the car, kids. I think I saw a CD of the Diddly Bops." He took their hands and they started walking back to the car while Kendall and I followed the teacher into the school, to Keira's classroom. I slipped my hand in his squeezing hard, Kendall squeezed back gently and ran his thumb over my knuckles reassuringly.

Ms. Collins opened a door and stepped inside her classroom. Kendall let go of my hand, moving it to the small of my back to push me forward a bit. I walked in first and bit my lip again when I saw Keira sitting in a chair, tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked up when we came in, only to quickly hide her face when she saw us. I went up to her and picked her up, holding her tightly as she pressed her face in the crook of my neck and sobbed silently. "What happened?" Kendall asked worriedly.

I sat in Keira's chair, it was a bit too low, but I didn't care at that moment. Kendall took the chair closest to Ms. Collin's desk, ready to fix all this while I held Keira. "About an hour ago I found Keira in the bathroom, crying. She doesn't want to tell me what's going on." The concern in the voice of the teacher felt good, at least Keira had a teacher that actually cared about the children in her class. "Is there maybe something going on at home that could make her feel so bad? Or do you have any other idea what might be going on?"

Kendall looked at me for a moment and I knew what he was thinking; my absence might have caused some of Keira's problems. I grabbed onto Keira tighter, holding her closer to me while I waited for Kendall to say something. He was chewing his lip, pondering over what or what not to tell Ms. Collins. "I don't think Keira was crying because of our home situation. Lately only good things happened. I did notice Keira doesn't like it to go to school, maybe because she just doesn't like it, but I don't think that's it because she's pretty smart. There's something else."

Keira was clinging to me even more now, my shirt wrinkled in her fists.

Keira was gripping onto me tightly, she clearly didn't feel like telling us what was going on at all. "Keke, do you want to tell me what's going on?" I asked her anyway. Trying never hurt.

She shook her head, pressing her face tightly in my chest. "We won't be mad at you, honey. Papa and I want to help you."

Keira looked up at me, her oh so familiar eyes filled with tears. I gently stroked her curls out of her face and smiled encouragingly, while on the inside I was crying. Of course we all knew what was going on here, we just couldn't do anything until she told us and asked us for help. "We can't do anything until you tell us what's going on, honey," I said softly. "But it'll be better."

I met Kendall's eyes shortly, seeing the same pain in his green orbs I felt. Ms. Collins had a pitiful look on her face and I knew all three adults in this room were going to do anything to put a stop to this. I quickly looked back at Keira when she suddenly started talking. "I-I o-on-ly w-w-wanna t-tel y-you," She whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

"That's alright, baby. We'll go to the hall, okay?" I whispered back, glancing at Kendall again over her shoulder. He nodded shortly, understanding what was going on, but there was this weird disappointment in his eyes, as if he wanted to be the one Keira talked to. I got that, remembering what he said during the fight, he was the one that was always there but they rather had me. Of course that hurt. But this was about Keira and I was going to tell him everything she told me.

I stood up and carried Keira out of the classroom. Going over to the nearest chair, I sat down and put my arms back around my daughter's small shoulders. "What's going on, Keke?" I asked, kissing her forehead as the tears still streamed down her cheeks.

"Th-they a-are m-me..." She was overwhelmed by new sobs and didn't finish her sentence.

"Shh. I got you, Keke. You can tell me."

It took a few minutes before Keira calmed down enough to talk. "T-they a-are m-mean to m-me," She whispered, resting her head on my chest. "N-none of t-the o-other kids l-l-like me."

I closed my eyes for a moment, it hurt even more when she said it out loud. It was true now, Keira was being bullied. And it was my fault. If I wasn't gone so much Keira wouldn't be so shy and quiet and unsociable, she'd be more confident about people staying around and being there for her; she wouldn't have gotten into this. She would've known how to stand up for herself.

But this wasn't about me. I had to get more information from her so Kendall and the teacher and I could help her. "Who's they, honey?" I asked softly.

"W-Wendy a-a-and D-Dana," Keira whispered. "T-they s-s-said th-they're g-g-gonna h-hurt me i-if I-I ever t-t-told y-you." New tears welled up in her eyes and she pressed her face in my chest again, her arms coming up to wrap around my torso tightly.

"I won't let that happen, baby," I told her. "No one will ever hurt you." Her body shook and trembled because of the new sobs. I wanted to ask her what exactly those girls did that hurt her so much, but figured she was already sad enough and I didn't want to make it worse just yet. Kendall probably wanted to know too and talking about this must be hard enough, we'd wait until we were home, where Keira was more comfortable."Keira, I'm going to tell papa about what you said, okay? We'll make things better for you, sweetheart." She nodded, but didn't look up this time. I figured she was just too sad to say anything right now. We had to make this right. Fast.

I put my arms under Keira's legs and got up again, going back into the classroom. Kendall and Ms. Collins looked up, they'd obviously been talking. I sat in the chair next to Kendall's, feeling better when I was close to him. I gently rubbed Keira's back as I started talking. "Keira told me there are two girls that are mean to her," I said timidly. Kendall froze. "Wendy and Dana?"

Ms. Collins nodded slowly. "That doesn't surprise me. Those girls were never really nice to her, but I never thought they were really mean. They're just five year olds after all." She got up and walked around her desk, kneeling down next to my chair so she could see Keira's face. "Keira, can you tell me what they did?" She asked gently.

Keira shook her head quickly and turned slightly, hiding her face for her teacher. "Maybe it's better to wait with that until she feels better." Kendall had clearly been having the same idea as I had about waiting until we're home. "I'll come back here tomorrow to talk about what we're going to do," He said, the authority and determination in his voice reminding me of the times he was our group leader, that side clearly never left.

Ms. Collins simply nodded in agreement. "I assume you keep Keira at home tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Alright. I'll have a talk with the class about bullying and being mean. And I'll talk to Wendy and Dana, see of either of them spills something." We both nodded and after the teacher gave us her phone number and email address -ours were in Keira's files- we said goodbye and took Keira back outside.

Once we were out of the building Kendall took Keira from me and held her tightly, giving me a sad smile. "It's okay, baby. It's all going to stop now, we're going to help you," He told Keira softly. Kendall kissed her forehead and rubbed her back slowly. "Do you want to come with us and Lizzy and James to the mall? We'll go eat ice cream and go look for some new clothes for you, does that sound good?"

She nodded timidly and rested her head on her fathers shoulder. Keira had stopped crying, but was still hiccupping every few seconds. I stepped closer to them, softly running my hand through her hair. She looked at me, her brown eyes red and puffy, tears tracks still on her cheeks. "We love you, Keke," I said gently. "Papa and I will always be there for you." I didn't have to look to know Kendall nodded in agreement.

Keira nodded again, this time even managing to smile a little. "Are you ready to go shopping?"

Kendall put her on the ground and took her hand. Keira looked up at me hopeful and I took her other hand, realizing she could probably use the extra comfort and safety Kendall and I gave her. Together we walked back to the car, I smiled when I heard the song 'favorite foods' blasting from the car. James looked extremely relieved when he saw us, now he had an excuse to turn down the sound. He frowned when he saw Keira's teary face, but said nothing about it. I climbed in the back seat and helped Keira in next to me. Kegan and Lizzy sat behind me, talking to each other about whatever was going on in their little lives now. Keira didn't feel like talking as Kendall started driving, she just leaned into my side and was quiet. And I couldn't blame her.

It wasn't a long drive and the only interesting thing that happened was James calling Carlos to tell him to meet us at the mall when he was done working. Kegan and Lizzy immediately started shouting names of places they wanted to eat ate, but Kendall told them Keira could choose. And I agreed with that.

We arrived at the mall and walked inside. "So. Where are we going?" James asked, turning to us.

"We needs clothes," Kendall said, "For Kegan is most important. But we can all use something new."

"But we gotta go eat ice cream first, Kendall," I said, nodding towards our daughter who was gripping my hand tightly.

"Right. We'll talk about it some more then, figure out who's going where."

James nodded, grinning. "I'm okay with everything as long as I get double chocolate."

"Sure, James. I'll get you chocolate ice cream," Kendall said with a roll of his eyes.

"Awesome."

"C'mon, Keira. We're gonna eat some ice cream."

* * *

><p>About two hours we were all done. Kegan got some new clothes and so did Keira and both of them got new shoes as well. I bought some new jeans, a few sizes bigger than I normally wore. I didn't like it at all, but I would do it for the baby. It was so worth it. Carlos met up with us about half an hour ago and now we were walking to the make-your-own-pizza place Keira wanted to eat at.<p>

Keira walked between me and Kendall as we walked. She looked happier, she didn't forget what happened today, but I think we managed to distract her from it. I was dreading to go home, because I figured Kendall was going to ask questions the moment we got her alone, when Kegan was asleep. Maybe I should ask him to wait until tomorrow, I knew it was better to get it over with as soon as possible, but this had been a tough day on her and she was gonna stay home tomorrow anyway.

"Where do you want to sit, Keke?" Kendall asked when we walked inside.

"In that booth," She said, pointing to the red colored booth in the right corner.

"Alright, let's go see if it's not reserved," Kendall said. It wasn't and we all sat down, Keira between Kendall and me again. Kegan on my other side next to Lizzy and James and Carlos across the table. A waitress came to give us all menu cards so we could pick out what ingredients we wanted on our pizza and take our drinks.

"I want cheese on it!" Kegan yelled. "And fries!"

"Kegan you can't have fries on your pizza," I told him and opened his card for him. "Here look at those pizza's on the pictures, that's what you can choose from."

"Why don't they have a French fries pizza?" He pouted.

"Because something like that doesn't exist yet, baby. Now go pick out something else."

"Can we make it at home, daddy?"

I chuckled. "How about we make a pizza at home and put some fries on the side, okay?"

He beamed and nodded excitedly. "Okay!"

I shook my head, Kegan was the funniest kid ever. Kendall was looking over amused, distracted from helping Keira choose her pizza ingredients until she asked him something. I watched them for a while, smiling occasionally at the things they said. Kendall loved Keira. It was so obvious. How he had his arm behind her on the seat, how he always leaned forward and looked at her when she said something, the smile on Keira's face from having her fathers attention. It was really beautiful and I smiled when I realized again he was the only I ever wanted to be the father of my children. No one was good enough after him.

The waitress came back and we all told her what we wanted. She then gave the children some pencils to color with while she took off to go fix our order. "That's a cute bunny, Keira," I said when I saw her drawing one in a few simple strikes of her pencil. "Can you teach me?"

Her face lit up. "Pick a color, daddy."

I grabbed the first one I saw, pink, and grabbed some of the paper the waitress left behind. "Okay, I'm ready."

"First you do this..." I followed her instructions and at the end I had a pretty awesome pink bunny. It wasn't nearly as good as hers, but that didn't matter. I could always work on it. "Look, papa! I teached daddy how to draw a bunny!"

"It's taught, Keira. And I saw, but yours is still better." He grinned and I glared at him.

"I make a wonderful bunny!"

Carlos snickered. "I'm sure you do, Logan."

And then I realized what I said could've been taken in two ways and I rolled my eyes. Of course that was what Carlos would hear. "I'm sure you can do it too, Carlos. You should try it." I said sweetly and handed him the paper and pencil so the comment didn't look weird to the children. Carlos glared at me and I smiled, still loving it I could win these kind of argument.

I noticed James and Kendall exchanging amused looks, both probably thinking about Carlos and me as bunnies and suddenly this didn't seem all that funny anymore. I wasn't a bunny nor would I ever be one.

We talked some more and Carlos actually drew a bunny -a normal one, not a person dressed up as one. Ten minutes later the food came, luckily not seven big pizzas, but smaller ones. I helped Kegan cut it, since I didn't want him anywhere near a knife yet, we would teach him table etiquette when he was older and didn't play with everything in his view.

We finished eating and the waitress came back, asking if we wanted desert. James, Kendall and I said no, we already ate ice cream earlier and if we gave the children more they wouldn't sleep tonight. Carlos pouted, because he wasn't here when we ate ice cream. Though James whispered something in his ear and he was okay again.

Keira looked okay, but she was tired. Kegan didn't show it and continued to play with Lizzy until we reached the car, but even he seemed less enthusiast than he was a few hours ago. We said goodbye, James, Carlos and Lizzy went home with Carlos' car. Kendall put the bags in the trunk while I buckled Keira and Kegan in their safety seats before we started driving as well.

When we were almost home, I looked in the back seat, wondering why it was so quiet. Both Keira and Kegan were asleep and I smiled, how did I end up having the two, no three, most amazing kids in the world?

Kendall.

The answer to questions like that was always Kendall.

He parked the car and carefully picked Keira up, carrying her back to our house while I did the same with Kegan. We put them in their beds -this seemed to happen a lot lately, but we had a pretty busy life after all. I went downstairs, hearing Kendall go there earlier and I wanted to be close to him.

Kendall was sitting on the couch, the TV on. He smiled at me when I came in and my heart skipped a beat. See? I really did turn in a lovesick tween girl. I really hoped Kendall would never figure that out. I walked up to him and crawled in his lip, resting my head on his shoulder. I hummed softly when he wrapped his arm around my waist and his hand under my shirt. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said and wrapped my arms around his neck. Kendall turned his head towards me, just looking at me for a while. I melted under his gaze, loving and hating the softly smoldering love in his eyes. I couldn't fuck up again, not ever. Taking one arm away from his neck, I put my hand on his cheek, bringing his face closer to mine to kiss him. He smiled into it, making me relax as well. "Let's kiss for a while," I whispered, my other hand sliding into his hair.

Kendall hummed and he turned until he hovered over me. I kissed him eagerly, having missed this during the day. Normally we would find more time to make out, but I worked this morning and we lost a lot of time in the mall, not that that wasn't fun, because it was, spending time with our children and friends was awesome. It just wasn't anything like being alone with Kendall.

I lost myself completely in our kiss, in the way he was touching and caressing all right spots, in his scent, in his taste, just in his presence. "I love you so much," I whispered, when Kendall pulled away to breathe.

He put his forehead on mine and once again I saw pure happiness in his eyes. "I love you too, Logie."

I smiled at him, running my fingers over his jaw line. "What are we gonna do about Keira?"

He sighed, the happy look in his eyes changing and I felt bad about that, but we had to talk about this. "Tomorrow morning we'll talk to her, after Kegan left so there's no chance of him overhearing things. Then I'll call Ms. Collins, tell her what Keira told us. We'll try to help her some more on the weekend and on Monday she's gonna go back to school, see if things changed."

"And what if they didn't? I don't want her to spend anymore minute there if she's hurting."

Kendall rolled off of me, coming to lay on his side with his hand still in my shirt. "Me either, sweetie. If it didn't change, I'm gonna have a talk with the parents of those girls. I'm sure they will do something about it, no one wants their child to be a bully. And if that doesn't work, we'll see if they can put Keira in another class."

I nodded. "Okay."

Kendall smiled sadly. "She'll be fine, though. One way or another. She's just five, a lot can change through the years."

"I know that, it just doesn't make things easier that this was exactly where I was at one point long ago, but Keira doesn't have you guys to help her through it. Does she have any friends at all?"

Kendall stared at me, eyes wide in realization. "I didn't even think of that," He whispered. "Shit. Of course she's so hurt. You had us, she has no one. I can't remember her ever mentioning a name or asking if se could bring a friend home to play with. She always plays with Kegan and Lizzy or she's drawing. Alone. Fuck."

"Let's just wait with taking conclusions," I said. "Maybe the bullying isn't the reason she has no friends."

"Then what would it be? You know how hard it is for the other kids to go help someone that's bullied? Most of the time, the meanest kids rule. The other kids don't even dare to talk to care, they're scared to get bullied by them too."

"Keira is really shy, Kendall. Maybe she would get some friends if she just dared to go play with them."

He looked skeptically, but nodded anyway, he probably couldn't think of an argument against that. "This sucks. Why can't those children just be nice to her? Seriously, I really don't see why anyone would pick on Keira. She's gorgeous, smart and has a crazy talent for drawing. She's sweet, she's kind, she's helpful, she's modest, she-"

"You sound like a parent," I said softly.

"Well, that's what I am, right?"

"Yes, of course. But the things you said, kids don't look at each other that way. I know there's nothing wrong with Keira's appearance, nothing children could make fun of anyway. But she's shy, Kendall. She's an easy victim because she doesn't dare to tell them to stop or tell an adult about the bullying. And she's smart, smart people never do good in society."

Kendall looked at me for a moment, then grunted in frustration and turned to the ceiling. "It's not fair."

"She doesn't deserve this," I agreed quietly. I turned on my side and put my head on Kendall's chest. "We have to fix this, Kendall."

"I know. We will. It's gonna stop."

He put his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my back, both of us deep in thought about how we were going to solve this problem as quick as possible. "We should go to bed," I muttered. "Tomorrow is gonna be tough and we can both use the extra sleep."

Kendall nodded and we got up, going upstairs to our bedroom. We undressed and brushed our teeth before we crawled into bed. He spooned me, his arms coming tightly my waist. "I love you," He muttered, kissing the back of my neck.

"I love you too," I whispered and put my hand over his. It was quiet for a while, but then I remembered something else we had to talk about. "What are we gonna get Keira for her birthday?"

"That's still a month away, Logie," He chuckled, "We've time to get her something."

"Yes, but I don't know what!"

Kendall laughed again. "I know what to get her, sweetie. No worries."

"And what is that thing?"

"A rabbit."

I was silent. "Really?"

"Yes. Keira likes animals and since we can't really get her a horse, I was thinking we should get her something smaller. First I thought of a guinea pig, but then everyone started drawing bunnies at dinner and I thought that was a better idea."

"Okay. I think I like that, but then we've to get two. Rabbits get lonely on their own."

"That shouldn't be a problem. Hey! We can go to a pet store that has a mother bunny with baby bunnies and then let her pick out two of those!"

I smiled. Keira would really like that. "Alright, but they'll have to be two sisters. I don't want a whole bunch of rabbits next year."

"True. So. Two female sister bunnies for Keira's birthday."

I sighed. "I can't believe she's almost six. Why can't they just stay babies forever?"

Kendall shifted a little, his hand coming to lie over my stomach. "We're having another baby, sweetie. And it's fun to see them grow up. They're gonna be amazing people later."

"I know that, Keira and Kegan are already wonderful, but I just wish they could live with us forever." I turned around so I could see his face.

"Don't worry about that now. Keira isn't going anywhere for another twelve years. Or maybe she'll go to univerity here in LA and doesn't have to move out."

I sighed. "I'm hoping for that."

He smiled, his hand coming up to cup my face. I leaned in and pressed our lips together, kissing him sweetly. Kendall smiled into it and gently rubbed my cheek with his thumb. "Go to sleep, baby," He whispered when he pulled away. I nodded and slide a little lower so I could nuzzle my face in his chest.

'_This is it_,' I thought when Kendall put his arms around my torso to hold me tight. '_This is what I'm never ever going to give up again_.' Safely resting in Kendall's warm embrace, I let his steady heartbeat and breathing lull me to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Are there universities in LA? There must be. So, that was a chapter from Logan's POV. I thought it would be nice to explain his feelings for a change. I'm better with Kendall, but I'll try to write from Logan's POV every few chapters if you guys liked this. Did you?<strong>


	17. Chapter 17

**Not a really long chapter this time. Well, it's long, but not crazy-over-ten thousand-words long. It's a cute chapter ;)**

It was one month after we found out Keira was bullied and it was all fine now. We talked to her and it was a pretty rough 90 minutes for her, but when it was all out, the relieve on her face was so clear.

She told us how the two girls that caused all this told everyone not to talk to Keira, because she wasn't cool enough for them. How they once spilled milk over her dress -I remembered that, I was really mad at Keira for ruining her clothes but then I found out it wasn't her fault and I felt guilty. There were more incidents, things adults laughed about but could hurt little children quite a bit.

The solution was quickly found when Logan and I found out Keira did have a friend; Jenna. She also used to be bullied and was transferred to another class, leaving Keira alone in her old class. After our talk with Keira, Logan took her to the movies and I started to work. Using my most persuasive voice, I made some calls with the school and the principal. By the time the two of them came home, I got the principal to consider putting Keira in the class Jenna was in.

I didn't know this girl, but if she made Keira happy, I would do everything to get them together. The principal was hesitant, because she wanted to try to solve the problem first, but I insisted on just putting Keira in the other class with her friend; both girls would be happier then. On Sunday I got the email Keira was going to go to Mrs. Roof's class from the following week on. I would never forget the happy look Keira had on her face when I told her she was going to be in the same class as Jenna again.

Keira was happy again, but then the next problem started. It wasn't even a problem really, but it felt like it. Logan was in his last month of med-school. He was busy, really, really busy. I realized it was important and that after this it was all over, Logan was going to be home with me for a long, long time, but it still scared me. What if he decided he liked his job better than me after all? I didn't want that. I wanted him to stay with me.

Fortunately, it was over now. Today, three weeks after the busy period started, was his last day. He had to hand in his last assignment today. Logan had been working really hard for it, reading books, doing research on internet, calling people on other University to ask them questions and last night it was finally done. I didn't read it; it was stuff that required a super brain and I just didn't have that. Logan was happy though, giving me awesome end-of-study sex last night.

Tomorrow I got up before he did and went downstairs to make him breakfast and wish him good luck. He liked that so much he said he didn't want to go to the hospital anymore. And I was even happier knowing that Logan would rather stay with me than go to work. He left eventually, he had to hurry or he would be too late. I brought the children to school and went home to finish my work on James' and Carlos' garden and then did my own. James was home today and he volunteered to pick the kids up from school, so I could do some grocery shopping and bring my car to the garage so it could be fixed.

And then it was five and I was peacefully watching television when Logan came into the room, huge smile covering his face. I raised my eyebrows, curious what made him so happy. He just grinned wider and came closer, straddling me on the couch and nuzzling his face in my neck. "You're happy," I stated.

Logan looked up and gave me another huge grin. "I am."

"It's not that I don't love seeing you like this, but why?"

"Two things; one is work related, the other is about us. Which one do you want to hear first?" He stroked some strands of my hair behind my ear and kissed the tip of my nose, his other hand falling onto my shoulder.

"Which one is going to make me happier?" I asked, sneaking my hands up under his shirt and leaving them on his middle, the almost unnoticeable bump under my thumbs adding more joy to the happiness I was already feeling from seeing Logan so ecstatic.

His eyes sparkled as he leaned in to kiss me softly. "You'll dance in joy from both of them."

"Then do the work one first," I told him, running my hands slowly up and down his sides. "I always like things about us better."

"Technically, this one is about us as well, it just has something to do with working."

I chuckled. "Can't you just tell me? I want to know what makes you so happy so I can make sure it happens more often." And surprisingly, Logan blushed, quickly hiding his face in the crook of my neck like he used to do all the time in our early days. It was a delighted blush, not a embarrassed one, so I wasn't worried about it. "Come on, Logie. I wanna know too."

He smiled and put his forehead against mine, both of his hands now on my shoulders. "I handed in my final assignment today, I'm a doctor now."

I smiled and kissed him again. "That's awesome, sweetie! Congratulations!"

Logan blushed again, but didn't try to hide this time, or just didn't realize he was blushing. "But since I'm not allowed to start working until I gave birth, I'm gonna be home from now on."

"And that's even better," I whispered happily and cupped his face, giving him another soft kiss.

He smiled into it and kissed me back, just a few little, sweet kisses were shared before he pulled away again. "I knew you would like that."

"Of course I do! I'm going to have you all to myself for the next six months, even longer if you've to recover from the C-section and get maternity leave and all."

Logan pouted. "You really have to call it maternity leave? I'm not a woman."

"Paternity leave, that better?"

Logan smiled. "Yes. A lot."

I kissed him gently. "Good. Now what's the other thing that makes you happy?"

"Today, I'm exactly three months pregnant. We passed the first trimes-"

I didn't even wait until he was finished and pressed our lips together. Logan didn't mind, he kissed me back just as eagerly. I parted my lips a little and Logan instantly did the same, allowing me into his mouth before I even asked. The kiss was slow, intense, happy and neither of us wanted it to stop. Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and I moved my hands down to the small of his back, pressing him against me.

I slowly leaned back until I was lying with Logan on top of me. He put his hands in my hair while I lightly caressed his back with the tips of my fingers. Logan shuddered and moaned quietly, relaxing his body on top of mine. But then I remembered Logan just told me the first three months were over and lying on his stomach wasn't a good idea anymore with our baby still inside his belly. I gripped him tighter and flipped us over, making a point of hovering over him instead of just lying over him. "Baby," I whispered when he looked at me confused.

He nodded, then went back to kissing me. I lost myself too, having missed this for a few days because he'd been so busy with the last things he had to do for his study that I was terrified he would fall back in his old pattern. Except, of course, he was pregnant now. And every night he crawled next to me in bed and told me he was sorry and that he loved me and was going to make up for it when he could.

And that helped. A lot. Of course, this right here was even better; how Logan came to me first thing when he got home after his last day. We were still doing good, though I still feared something would go wrong at one point. It always did. I just hoped it wouldn't be a really bad thing, only a small bump on the road.

That reminded me of something.

I pulled away from Logan and laid next to him on the couch, he instantly snuggled into my side. "We got the results from Kegan's test today. I wanted to wait with opening them until you were home too."

Logan grimaced. "I'll go get it," He said and climbed off me, walking away to the kitchen. A few weeks ago, when I was at school to see if everything was going well with Keira in her new class, Kegan's teacher approached me and told me about her concerns. I never really noticed it, but then again, I had never even thought about the possibility. She told me Kegan might need glasses.

At first I thought it was ridiculous, but when I got home and did some research -how I loved internet- I realized it might be true. A few of the symptoms were problems concentrating, something Kegan definitely had, but that might not be caused by bad vision. But he did always keep toys and picture books close to his face when he was playing with them and he sat close to the TV. One of the things the teacher noticed was that he always narrowed his eyes when he looked at the blackboard.

Logan got home and I explained what I found out today. He agreed we should take Kegan to a ophthalmologist -an eye doctor. We did and he ran a few tests on Kegan, then told us he would have the results in a few weeks and mail them to us. And now we were here. I wasn't looking forward to telling Kegan he needed glasses at all, he was definitely throw a fit when he heard it, so I hoped it wasn't necessary.

I sat up when Logan came back into the room and beckoned him over, pulling him between my legs and holding him close to my chest while I watched how he fumbled with the envelope and took the letter out. Over his shoulder I could read the words perfectly. I scanned over the letter, all the way to the last few lines where the words were; _glasses are strongly advised..._

I sighed and put my head on Logan's shoulder while I waited for him to finish reading. Of course he wanted to read the whole letter instead of just the words that matter, but I'd time and waited patiently until he read the letter. "Damn it," He whispered when he was done. "Kegan's so not going to like that."

"I know," I sighed. "He'll look cute though."

Logan chuckled. "Yeah, we'll think that, but in his eyes glasses are the end of the world."

"Maybe we find a way to convince him otherwise."

"How? No kid likes glasses, definitely not Kegan."

"What if we tell him... How about... Okay, I don't know. He just doesn't have a choice, he has to wear glasses and keep them on all day or I'll put a punishment on it."

"Aw. Poor kid."

"We don't have a choice, do we? He can't see well without it and maybe he'll pay more attention in class. Kegan needs that thing so he's got to wear them."

Logan sighed, but nodded. "You're right. So, when are we going to tell him? And when are we going to an optician to get him glasses?"

"We'll go Saturday or something, maybe Friday afternoon. Until then we'll just keep it quiet, give him the illusion he's safe."

"You're so mean," Logan chuckled. Then he turned serious. "James called me today when I was at the hospital."

"What did he want?"

"He basically asked me how we're doing on Lizzy's sister, but I also got the idea he is getting pretty annoyed it's taking us so long."

"Well, what did he expect? There are a lot of four year old girls in California, it takes a while before we've seen them all."

"It's been four months, Kendall, he just wants to find that girl. Maybe not even for him and Carlos, but for Lizzy, so she'll be able to meet her sister. But I was thinking today, and maybe-" Logan stared ahead of him, his face blank. I raised an eyebrow, wondering what he was thinking about that startled him so much.

"Logie? Care to explain?"

"This is just a theory; what if two baby girls were left in the same hospital, on the same day, but on different places? One was found in a waiting room, the other in a, let's see, a janitors closet?"

"Okay..." I said uncertainly.

"If that's true, the babies will be found by different people, right? The first one to walk into a waiting room finds the baby, in this case it was a nurse, but it could be a completely different person too, because hundreds of people go in and out of the hospital every day." I nodded when he looked at me to tell him I was still following it. "The other baby is left in a janitors closet, that means a janitor or one of the cleaning ladies found the baby, because only they have access to the closet."

"Then how did the person came in that left the baby there?"

"This is a theory, Kendall. I just needed a room where only certain people came and this was the first that came in my mind."

"Right, sorry."

He kissed my cheek. "It's okay. So the babies are found by two different people, a nurse and a cleaning lady. But there's a difference between the babies. The nurse finds one that has a large burn on her stomach, the cleaning lady finds a healthy baby. Tell me, Kendall; where do those babies go?"

I thought about that for a while; I knew Lizzy was taking to the room Kegan was in, because she was in pain and would disturb the babies in the nursery. And that was where the other baby went to: the nursery. "They crossed paths," I whispered. "Lizzy was found first, since she wasn't hidden. They put her in the nursery, but had to leave there because she cried so much and woke up the other babies. The other girl was found later, because people only come in that room sometimes. She was brought to the nursery when Lizzy was already gone."

"Exactly. We assumed the baby had a burn, because Lizzy has one. The hospital thought they were two different babies because ot the exact same reason. We've been looking for the wrong baby, Kendall."

"Wait a minute. Logan, why do you assume the babies were both left in the same hospital? They could just have left the other kid somewhere else."

To my surprise, Logan grinned. "The letter James and Carlos received from Child Protective Services said sisters. That means the person that wrote the letter thought James and Carlos found both girls, not just one of them. That means it must have been easy to find the sister in the hospital, but because no one ever connected the two babies, no one knew they were siblings. If I'm right, the babies were left in the same hospital, on the same day, around the same time, but apart from each other."

"So you're saying that if we change the signs we were looking for, we'll find Lizzy's sister?"

"That, or she's dead." I cringed and looked at Logan horrified. "What? It's a possibility we can't rule out yet."

"It's cruel."

"Life's a bitch, Kendall. We can't forget about that option yet."

I sighed in defeat, knowing he was right. Even little children died sometimes, but the thought of Lizzy never meeting her sister was awful. I couldn't imagine a life without Katie and I had no idea how people like James and Logan, both had no siblings at all, could've survived without a playmate. But then again, they had always been more devoted to our friendship than Carlos and me. Maybe that was the reason.

"Come, Kendall. Let's go to the hospital, find Lizzy's sister and make Carlos and James just as happy as we are today." He got up and started pulling on my arm. I looked at him for a minute, but then decided leaving the comfort of my home and going to the hospital was definitely worth it if it made James and Carlos happy.

I sighed and got up, pulling Logan to me. He smiled and rested his head on my chest, closing his eyes. "Are you tired?" I asked softly.

"Yeah, it's been a long week."

"We can take the laptop upstairs and watch a movie in bed tonight if you want?"

Logan nodded and looked up at me. "I would like that."

"Then we'll do that, sweetie," I muttered and kissed his forehead. "C'mon, let's go now, the earlier we're back, the better." I wanted to pull away, but Logan gripped me tighter, not letting me go yet.

"Kendall, can we go baby shopping after we went to the hospital?"

I grinned. "So you're tired, but not too tired to do that?"

He blushed and hid his face in my chest again. "No," He mumbled. "I've just been wanting to do that for ages and now we finally can."

"We'll see how much time we need at the hospital, then decide what to do. I don't want to be home too late, Keira and Kegan have school tomorrow. And you gotta sleep, since that's something you haven't been doing a lot lately."

Logan looked down when he nodded. I could tell he didn't like that, but someone had to look out for him if he wasn't going to do it himself. "Okay," He said quietly.

I smiled and ran my hand through his hair. "If we have to stay at the hospital longer than planned we can go baby shopping tomorrow, Logie."

He looked up at me smiling and wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling my head down to kiss me. "I love you," He whispered when he pulled away.

"I love you too, baby," I whispered back and kissed his forehead. "I'm gonna go tell the children to play at James and Carlos'. And then we'll go to the hospital, see what we can find."

"Alright. I'm gonna go stab myself."

I rolled my eyes, the little needle he used to test his blood couldn't kill him. "Have fun with that, sweetie."

Ten minutes later I got the children to go play at the other house and we were on our way to the hospital. I told Keira to tell James and Carlos we were going to do some shopping. I didn't want to give them false hope about Lizzy's sister. Logan's blood was alright, his levels had been okay ever since he started testing and controlling it. He was doing great. Everything was going great. For now.

We reached the hospital and I parked the car, Logan and I walked hand in hand to the archives. When we got there, Logan immediately went to the computer and turned it on, searching for the right program and opening it. I watched over his shoulder as he typed in the information; March 3rd 2007, White Memorial Medical Center, NICU, Girl, Foundling, No other specifics.

And there it was; three matches. Just three matches we could easily find in the archive. I grabbed pen and paper and wrote the numbers of their files on a paper, then copied it so Logan and I both had our own. "You take 204567, I'll do 206878 and 206895," He said. I nodded and we both took off in a different direction, into the small corridors with high rows of boxes with numbers on it, each box containing about twenty patient files.

I found the box I need pretty quickly; after the countless times I did this I didn't get confused anymore. I took the lit of the box and went through the files, taking out the one with the number I needed. This was it, a chance of 0.0001% this was the girl we'd been looking for. All the information we needed could be in this file. I opened it, my heart racing at the thought of finally knowing, but I got disappointed. One look at the Latina girl on the picture said enough. "I got nothing," I said loudly, so Logan could hear.

"Okay. Come help me," Logan said. I put the file back in the box and put that back on the shelf, before walking into Logan's direction. When I found him he was studying a file, reading the information carefully. "This isn't right either, this girl already died from starvation when she was found, she is days older than Lizzy is."

I smiled sadly. "One more chance."

"Yeah. Fingers crossed." He put everything away and took the box next to it, opening it nervously and taking out the file with a little more difficulty. I knew he was so nervous; Logan had no idea what to do when his theory wasn't right. If this file wasn't the one we were looking for, he didn't know either what we could do, or where we could find this girl.

I went up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind. "Open it, no worries. We did what we could."

He nodded weakly and opened the file. My eyes immediately fell onto the picture and the first thing I thought was that we had it wrong again; this girl had red hair. But then I took a better look at the picture and saw how similar she looked to my godchild. The same white skin, the same high cheek bones, the same reddish lips, the same little nose, the same piercing blue eyes... "Found her," Logan whispered.

I grinned and kissed his cheek. "Good work, Sherlock."

He laughed absentmindedly, his eyes still glued to the papers in front of him. "Her name is Mary-Alice, born on March 3rd 2007, lives in... Unknown?"

"How is that possible?" I asked confused. "She must live somewhere, she's just four years old."

"Someone messed with the file," Logan whispered. "This isn't right, there has to be an address in a file. All her old whereabouts should be in this, an orphanage, house of her adoptive parents, house of the foster home she went to; something. Someone changed it."

"Fuck it," I said angrily. "Now we still can't do anything."

"This is even worse than not finding anything," Logan said in defeat. "How are we going to explain this to James and Carlos; yeah, we found your maybe future kid, but we can only give you a first name and a picture, because someone changed the file because that person doesn't want anyone to know where she lives?"

"It's nothing we can help, Logie. They'll understand."

"Still. I don't like this."

"I know, baby. I know, but again, we can't do anything about it."

Logan let out a frustrated sigh and pulled out his phone. "What I'm going to do now is illegal," He warned me. "Are you going to turn me in?"

"Like I want you to go to jail, then I'll just be alone and miserable again."

Logan turned his head and kissed my cheek. "Alright, I'm probably safe then." He took some pictures of the file; one of the photo of little girl, then some more of the information that was in the file, before he put it back in the box. Logan went back to the computer and logged off, before the two of us walked out of the hospital again, to the car.

"Still wanna go baby shopping?" I asked him after I took a look at my watch. We still had about half an hour before I wanted to go home and have a relaxed evening with Logan.

Logan grinned and nodded eagerly. "Yes. We still need to do a lot, you know."

"I haven't given it much thought yet. We still have a lot of baby stuff, furniture and clothes and toys, we don't need that much."

"Yes, but we have to transform the walk-in closet into a nursery," He said. "We need to figure where all the stuff that's in that room has to go to."

"It can all go in the garage. Maybe we can even throw some stuff out, we don't use most of the shit that's in there anyway."

"Maybe," Logan said reluctantly. "There are a lot of memories, though."

"We don't have to throw everything out, Logie. We'll just take a look at it someday soon and put it in boxes so it can go in the garage."

"Okay. Then the most important thing; that room needs a window."

"Doesn't it have one?" I asked surprised.

"No, the walk-in doesn't have a window, so we'll have to hire someone to put it in; it's not good for a baby to sleep in a room that isn't ventilated."

"You're right, we can't wait too long with that."

We reached the mall and got out of the car. This time Logan quickly came up next to me and put my arm around his waist, pressing into my side as we walked. There was a big store with everything babies needed from birth to their first birthday. As soon as we stepped inside, Logan grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the smallest clothes .

I just watched and nodded or shook my head when he showed me some of the clothes. I loved it to see him happy like this and I was glad I decided to do this today instead of tomorrow. It still scared me though, we might have passed the first three months, there were still six to go and a lot could happen in that time. Logan was so happy with this baby and already loved it like it was here. I loved our baby as well, but Logan was definitely more passionate about it than I was.

I just didn't want to see what happened if we lost it.

"Look, Kendall," He said happily, pulling me out of my thoughts. He showed me a little shirt with blue and white stripes. In white letters stood the words 'Papa is the Best.'

I chuckled, going over there to have a closer look and feel the fabric. Of course it was super soft. "It's cute, Logie."

He smiled and kissed my cheek. "I want it. Papa really is the best."

I pulled him into a hug and held him tightly. I didn't ever want to let him go when he was being so... him. But Logan didn't seem to mind, seeing as he put his head on my chest and closed his eyes contently. "Let's pay for the clothes and go home," I mumbled in his ear. "I wanna have you alone."

He nodded and pulled away almost reluctantly, he took the items he'd picked and went to pay for them while I waited by the door. When he got back to me I slid my arm back around his waist as we walked to the car. While I drove us home, Logan took the little clothes out of the bag and studied them further. "Do you think we're having a boy or a girl?" He asked curiously.

"Uh. I haven't thought about it yet. But either is fine. Kegan will be upset when he gets another sister though."

"You know, I don't think he'll mind it very much. He's been playing with girls all his life, one more shouldn't bother him. And he got two fathers, if he gets a sister, there will still be more male than female."

"That's true. And Keira won't care if it's a boy or a girl, so that means we're gonna be fine with either gender."

"The children will, but what do you think our baby is?"

"Hmm, I think I'm gonna go with a girl again. I really don't think we can handle another Kegan."

"It's fun! He's so full of energy and it's cute to watch him play."

"Exactly. When we get another one of those they'll break down the house. God, I wonder how mom that did when she had all four of us playing at her house, it must've been hell."

"It's going to be just like now, Kendall. Keira, Kegan and Lizzy are perfectly fine with playing on their own and that's not going to change when there's a smaller child."

"I wonder how Keira and Kegan will react if we ever found Lizzy's sister and she's coming to live with us here. Lizzy will probably spend more time with her then."

"I think they'll all be friends, just like now. Lizzy won't ever stop playing with Kegan, they're best friends, she'll just make sure her sister is included in everything. And Keira won't care, she's got Jenna now."

"Maybe. We should stop calling that girl 'Lizzy's sister' she's got a name now."

"Mary-Alice. Carlos will probably turned that into Ally or something. It's James that came up with Elizabeth... That matches great though, Elizabeth and Mary-Alice. I bet they're going to love that."

"I wonder who came up with that name," I said thoughtfully. "Someone must have given it to her."

"I've pictures of that file, remember? I'm going to do some more research, see if there's any more information we can do something with. Don't tell James and Carlos I did that."

"Sure." I parked the car in front of our house and we went inside briefly to put the baby clothes away. We were eating at James' and Carlos' house tonight, that was good, now we could tell them about our discovery.

"Hello!" I yelled when I opened the door.

"Dude! We're just in the kitchen! You don't have to yell!" James yelled back.

I chuckled and closed the door when Logan was inside too. "Then why are you yelling?" I asked as we walked into the kitchen.

"Because you did," James fired back. "We're eating green beans."

"Good, those kids get way too much bad food," I said satisfied. I saw James rolling his eyes, but I knew Logan agreed with me. He was a doctor after all.

"How did it go today, Logan? Finished yet?"

"Yes, finally. If this last project gets a C or higher you're gonna have to call me doctor."

He grinned. "Awesome. Kendall is probably glad it's over too."

"Definitely," I said, looking at Logan happily when I once again realized I was gonna have him home for a long, long time. "Where's Carlos? And the kids?"

"Carlos is upstairs, changing, Lizzy and Kegan are outside, playing on the swing and Keira... I think she's drawing in the living room."

"I'm here!" She called from said room, from where she'd clearly been listening to us.

"Okay, honey!" Logan shouted back before sitting down in the chair next to mine. He put his hand on his stomach and patted it, happily smiling down at it. James rolled his eyes and turning back to the stove. I just looked at him lovingly. I liked it when Logan babied his stomach, it was adorable.

"Hey, guys," Carlos said when he came downstairs. He looked a little bewildered, as if he had a lot on his mind. "James, do you know where I left my phone?" He asked confused. "I can't find it anywhere."

"Didn't you leave it at work or something? You forget to take it home with you all the time."

"Yeah, I know I do that. But today I was sure I left it at home, because when I wanted to call you in my break it was in my changing room."

"Huh. Strange. It's no big deal though, we'll get you a new one tomorrow. What did you want to call me for?"

He shook his head, still confused. "Something stupid about dinner, I don't even remember. And I know I can just buy a new one, but I had that picture of Lizzy on it, the one of you two on the swing together. I liked that picture," He said sadly.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Carlitos," James said pitifully.

"Hmm. It's okay, I guess. I'll take another cute picture with my new phone."

"In the meantime," Logan said, "I got a picture that's going to make you really happy." Carlos and James both watched him curiously while Logan searched in his phone for the picture he took of the picture of Lizzy's red haired sister. "Here."

Carlos took the phone and James came to stand behind him, curiously watching over his shoulder. Carlos realized who she was first, his mouth fell open, then a wide smile spread on his face. James recognized the girl too and smiled fondly. "You found her!" Carlos said excitedly. "Tell me more!"

"I figured out today that we were looking for the wrong signs. We always thought this girl must have a burn because Lizzy has one, but that's not true. She's free of any scars."

"What's her name?" James asked curiously.

"Mary-Alice. There was no surname in the file," Logan answered. "Someone messed with it, because she doesn't have an address either. This is really all we could find."

"Who would want to mess with this file? Who can come into that archive anyway?" James asked annoyed. "How do we find the information we need then?"

"Maybe the parents," Logan sighed, "But the only people that have access to that archive are the doctors that work at the hospital."

"Like, a few hundred people? We can never find out who did it then."

Logan hesitated, before answering. "The computer records and saves the names of everyone that logged in to find a file, but I don't have access to that list unless I have a really good reason."

"This is a good reason, right? We want to find Lizzy's s-" James quickly clamped a hand over Carlos' mouth.

"Keira is in the living room," James said softly. "She can hear us."

Carlos nodded in understanding and James took his hand of his mouth. "Can't you try really hard? This is practically our only chance to find her since we don't have a last name?"

"I'll try," Logan said softly. "But it's gonna look suspicious since I'm not working again until January next year, I might lose my job, guys, I'll still do it, but there are certain risks that are going to make this go a lot slower."

"That's okay," James said quietly, but the disappointed look on his face said otherwise. "Thank you."

Logan smiled. "You're welcome."

"Can you send me that picture, Logan? Of Mary-Alice?"

"Yeah, sure." While Logan and James were busy with their phones, Logan sending and James receiving the picture, Kegan came into the kitchen, his little face wet with tears. A very upset Lizzy followed behind.

"Kegan, what's wrong, buddy?" I asked worriedly.

Kegan wasn't able to talk, though, and he gripped onto my leg tightly, big tears rolling down his cheeks. "He fell and now his hands are hurt!" Lizzy told us. "There's blood!"

"Ah, c'mere buddy," I said and lifted him into my lap. Kegan leaned against my chest, still sobbing. I took his hands and examined them, there were a few small cuts and one deeper cut that was bleeding; nothing serious. "It's not so bad, Kegie. It'll be fine."

Logan came up to us, holding a little bottle with alcohol to clean Kegan's injuries, but the moment Kegan saw it he started struggling. "No! That h-hurts!" He screamed.

"It only stings a little bit, Kegie. I'll be really careful, okay?" Logan said gently. He took one of Kegan's hands out of my grip and looked at the wounds, smiling when he saw it was barely anything. Kegan was still struggling, but I held him in my lap and made sure he didn't move too much while Logan poured some of the alcohol on the cuts and gently spread it with his finger. "See? It's all over. That didn't hurt so bad, right?"

Kegan sniffled and glared at Logan. "It hurt really bad, daddy!"

"Okay, Kegie," Logan said, a smile on his face while he quickly finished cleaning Kegan's other hand. "Do you want a Band-Aid?"

"Yes. A red one."

"I don't have red ones, little man, but I do have one with a dragon on it," James told him.

Kegan grinned, pain completely forgotten. "I want that one!"

"That's what I thought." He gave Logan the Band-Aid and he put it on Kegan's hand. After that, Kegan forgot about it completely and he and Lizzy joined Keira in the living room to go play some game, waiting until dinner was ready.

We ate, Keira complained about the food -she didn't like green beans- but then she got strawberries for desert and that was forgotten as well. We went home and put the children in bath, Logan read them a story and then they both went to bed.

* * *

><p>About an hour later Logan was sitting on our bed in his pajamas when I came into the room, he was taking the labels out of the baby clothes we bought today, but looked up when he heard me. He smiled brightly and stuck his arms out, but I shook my head. "I'm gonna take a shower first, sweetie. If I sit down now I'll never get up again. I'll be quick."<p>

"Okay," Logan yawned. "Hurry."

I nodded and put the laptop next to him on the bed. "Here, pick a movie." I went into the bathroom, leaving the door open because I didn't see the point in closing it. I undressed and stepped into the cabin, turning on the water. After I quickly washed my hair and body, I stepped out again and dried myself. I walked back into our room in just my boxers and went to our closet to get a shirt to wear before climbing in bed and sitting against the headboard.

Logan crawled closer and put the laptop in my lap, then cuddled into my side. "You wanna watch Spiderman? Again?"

"You love Spiderman, jerk."

"I do," I admitted. "But we just watched it last week."

"So? I like Spiderman too, it's a good movie. And I like imagining you in that suit."

I laughed. "Logan's got a Spiderman kink. Awesome."

"Just start the movie, Kendall. Let me have my fantasies."

"Sure, baby." I kissed the top of his head and pressed play. Not surprisingly, Logan didn't even make it through half the movie. I didn't stop the movie though, it was nice to lie there with Logan sleeping peacefully in my arms. When the movie was over, I tried to get out of bed without waking him up, but he still awoke when I pulled away.

"Hey," He muttered sleepily. "Where you going?"

"Just going to put the laptop away and check up on the children, I'll be back in a minute."

He nodded and got out bed as well. "Blood," He explained when he saw my face and went into the bathroom.

I brought the laptop downstairs and made sure the doors and windows were locked, then I went back upstairs and took a look at Keira and Kegan, making sure they were still there and asleep. I walked back to our room, finding Logan already curled up in bed. I put the lights out and then got in behind him, pulling him close to me. "Kendall, can you sing for me?" He asked softly.

"Okay, Logie. What do you want to hear?"

"Intermission or stuck," He whispered. Logan grabbed my hand and put it on his stomach, then slid down further under the blankets.

I started singing softly and watch a happy expression coming onto Logan's face. The corners of his mouth curled up and he sighed happily. I continued singing until I was sure he was fast asleep. "Love you so much," I whispered and kissed the back of his head, I fell asleep not long after that.


	18. Chapter 18

**So I got a lot of questions about the last chapter; when Logan said blood and went off to the bathroom, he was going to test his blood glucose level.**

**And I kinda thought this was obvious, but yes, Mary-Alice is Lizzy's twin sister. Why else would the biological parent(s) think James and Carlos have both their girls? When Mary-Alice was Lizzy's younger or older sister, there was no way James and Carlos could've known about her existence.**

**Then: Next week I'm going to Slovakia! For me it's the first time I'm traveling to East-Europe, so I'm really excited. People say it's a lot different from West-Europe and the US, the places where I've been to anyway, so I'm really curious. Unfortunately, that will also mean I can't update next week. I'll try to write while I'm there, but I'm going to visit a lot of places –Bratislava and Vienna- and I don't know how much time I'll have…**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>It was hot. We were in the middle of a heat wave and for the first time in eleven years, cuddling with Logan wasn't as comfortable as it always had been. I'd been lying awake since 4 in the morning, because then it got too hot to even fall back asleep. I was lying on my back in just my boxers and sweat was dripping down my body. It was disgusting, but not really anything I could do something about just yet. Logan was still asleep, curled into my side with his head on my chest. He wasn't doing so much better than me, he was also sweating a lot, but at least he was still sleeping. It was insane and I was really jealous of him, not understanding why he could sleep while I was dying from heat here.

The children weren't sleeping well either, I had already heard Kegan and Keira getting up to go to the bathroom multiple times. Fortunately they didn't come to us, because I had no idea what to tell them. I didn't know a cure against heat and both of them already had an electric fan blowing in their rooms. I couldn't do anything to cool them down.

I did know what we were going to do when it was a more decent hour; the beach. Keira had been wanting to go there ever since their summer vacation started a week ago and this was the perfect day; it was her birthday. It was probably really busy, but I knew a place not so many people knew about. I hoped we would be able to find a spot there.

However, before we could go to the beach, we had to do some other stuff with Keira. Like picking out the bunnies she would get for her birthday. I'd called the pet store a week ago with the question what rabbits exactly needed. I'd also asked her if we could buy them at that store. The answer was yes, but we couldn't take them home yet; the baby rabbits were too young to be taken away from their mother. We could go there and let Keira pick two, the owner would make sure they were still there when we came to pick to pick them up a week later.

Then there was something else, something I didn't really like at first, but then turned into a great opportunity. By accident, the appointment Logan had with the doctor was made for this day. It was okay, though, because Logan came up with the brilliant idea to take Keira with us and show her her new brother or sister. We were sure she was going to love that. And now she could tell her grandma and auntie about the baby in her daddy's tummy.

James, Carlos, Lizzy, Katie, Dak and mom were coming with us to the beach. Mr. Bitters had to work, because this was the day most of the Palm Woods guests left for their vacation or to go home, but he would join us later and take pizza with him to eat on the beach.

Kegan might be a little jealous of Keira –she saw their sibling and he didn't-but the kid could never hold a grudge for longer than a few minutes so I wasn't worried about it too much. I felt sorry for him though, both his parents were focused on Keira because she was having a hard time at school and on top of that he also had to start wearing glasses.

The day we'd told him was awful, he was really sad about it and tried everything so he wouldn't have to wear glasses, but we didn't budge and he'd gone to James, his favorite godfather. Then a miracle happened; James made Kegan excited about wearing glasses by showing him his own. Of course then James had to come with us to pick out the 'right ones' but that was okay as long as Kegan was really going to wear them.

It was now a week later and he never complained about them once. I owed James big time.

Though it had only been a week; I was having a great time having Logan home all day. We did a lot of fun stuff with the children and James and Carlos, we went to the Palm Woods to visit mom, went to Katie and Dak to see their new house, made plans to rent a beach house for a week with the four of us and the children; it was all amazing, but I still enjoyed my alone time with Logan the most. We didn't even have to do something special, I just loved always being able to see him.

There was a dark side to that as well, because the pain in my back came back. The first time I'd felt it was when Logan and I fell off that chair almost two months ago now. Then Logan did his magic trick and I didn't feel it anymore, until about two weeks ago. I'd been working in the garden and when I stopped, it started stinging like crazy. I had taken it slow for the rest of the day and it wore off quickly, I forgot all about it. Until it started happening every time after I working in the garden. It was really strange and probably not anything serious, but it was annoying and I wanted it gone.

I just didn't want to tell Logan. He would worry about me and finally everything was like it was supposed to be again. The pain in my back would probably go away if I just didn't work in the garden anymore. I hated that, but with the heat wave and all I didn't really have anything to do anyway. I could give the plants all the water in the world, but they were still drying out. The only thing I could do was hope the damage wouldn't be too bad when the heat wave was gone.

I glanced at the alarm and saw it was finally seven am. A decent time to get up on a free day in the middle of the summer -not really. But I was too hot to care. There was no way I could get up without waking Logan, so I decided to just wake him up myself. We had to get up early anyway, our appointment with Dr. Young was at 9.30. "Logie, wake up, sweetie," I said softly and shook him gently.

He groaned and wrapped his arm around my waist. "Don't want to."

"Oh, c'mon, Logan. It's hot and I really, really need a shower because I've been lying in my own sweat the whole night. You too, by the way."

He opened his eyes sleepily and leaned up on his elbows. "G'morning to you too," He said and kissed my cheek.

I smiled and turned my head to kiss him properly. "Sorry. Good morning, baby."

"That's better. Now go take that cold shower you're longing for."

"Wanna join me?"

"No, thank you. I-" Before we could do anything more the door opened a tiny bit and Keira peeked inside, a big smile covering her face.

"Hey, Keira! Happy birthday!" I said happily.

She grinned and ran inside, crawling into our bed. Keira dropped down between us and pulled a face. "It's sticky here," She complained.

Logan chuckled. "Papa is really hot."

Keira giggled, but didn't mind it very much. "What are we going to do today? Is grandma coming?" She asked eagerly.

"We're gonna do a few things today, Keke. First we're gonna go to the hospital-"

"Are you sick?" Keira asked worriedly.

"No, baby. No one's sick. We're going there to do something else, it's a surprise."

"Oh."

"After that the three of us are going somewhere else and when we did that, we're going to meet grandma, James, Carlos, Lizzy, Kegan, auntie Katie and uncle Dak on the beach and eat cake."

Keira's face lit up at the word beach. "I like the beach! Are you gonna help me built a sandcastle? And are we going to swim in the ocean?"

That reminded me I had to sign her up for swimming lessons soon. "Yes, we can swim, but don't go in the water without me or daddy there, okay?"

Keira nodded. "'Kay."

I smiled. "Good." I grabbed her around the waist and put her over my shoulder, laughing when she squealed. "Let's get you ready for today and make you the prettiest girl in the world."

"Can I wear my pink dress today?"

"Sure, baby."

* * *

><p>An hour later all four of us were ready to go downstairs and eat breakfast. I had put the children in bath, allowing Keira and Kegan to splash water at me because it was so hot, while Logan was in the shower and got dressed. He took over from me there, dressing both the children and fixing their hair -Kegan wanted to have his hair spiked since he got his glasses; he wanted to look cooler and Keira liked having her hair in braids. She looked adorable in her pink dress with white flowers on it.<p>

I was making pancakes, both my children's favorite breakfast food, while Logan, Keira and Kegan were sitting at the table, waiting for me to finish. "Daddy, why do you never cook?" Kegan asked. "Papa always does that and you don't."

I turned away from the stove momentarily, amused by Kegan's comment. "Yeah, Logan, why don't you?"

Logan sighed and shot me a glare. "I can't cook, babies. Papa makes way better food than I do."

I grinned, satisfied. Keira and Kegan laughed. "Daddy and I used to cook dinner together all the time when you were still a baby, Keira, but a few months after you were born, Kegan, daddy started working at the hospital and he didn't have that much time left to cook."

Logan's smile faltered when he was reminded of the way he abandoned us, I smiled at him reassuringly, telling him I wasn't mad about that anymore. It was over now, in the past. However, my answer brought a new question up for my children. "Why don't you work, papa?" Keira asked curiously.

I pretended to be offended. "What! I work all the time! I do all the chores in and around the house, I look after you two and Lizzy when James, Carlos and daddy are working, I bring you to and get you from school; I'm even working right now, making you brats breakfast."

I smiled when I saw the three of them laughing, enjoying the fact they were all happy. "But," Keira said when she was done giggling, "Why don't you have a job?"

"Well, when we stopped with the band, James, Carlos and daddy already knew what they wanted to do after. James is a model now, Carlos is a stuntman and daddy is a doctor, but I didn't know yet, so I decided to stay home with you. You were just one year old, Keira, and Kegan and Lizzy were still babies. I stayed home to take care of you until you all went to school." I put the last pancakes on a plate and brought them to the table. "Here, food is ready."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Logan, Keira and I were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital. We'd brought Kegan to James and Carlos, we were going to see him again at the beach with the rest of our family. Now it was just the three of us, going to see the youngest member of our little family, our little family that was growing quite big now.<p>

Keira was nervous. We had told her it was nothing bad and that we were only going to do fun stuff on her birthday, but she clearly didn't believe us. Or she just didn't like it to be in a hospital. "When are we going to do presents?" She asked eagerly.

Logan smiled. "At the beach, sweetheart," He lied easily. She was going to have our present earlier than that.

Keira nodded. "What are we going to do after this?"

"That's also a surprise, baby. You'll have to wait."

She pouted, but not for long because at that moment the door of the office opened and Dr. Young's head came out. "Mr. Knight?"

We got up, Keira gripped my hand tightly as we followed Logan into the little examination room. Dr. Young sat in the chair next to the monitor, Logan sat on the bed and I took the chair next to the bed, picking Keira up to set her on my leg.

"How are you doing, Mr. Knight?" Dr. Young asked Logan.

"Great. Everything is going fine, I don't even have pain in my back like the last two times."

"That's good. And your diabetes? No abnormally high levels?"

"No, not at all. I eat good to make sure nothing goes wrong."

The doctor asked more questions, but I noticed Keira was getting more and more uncomfortable with the situation. She was still scared something was wrong with Logan. "It's okay, honey," I whispered in her ear. "Daddy isn't ill. We're here for something nice." I rubbed her back and kissed the side of her head, hoping the doctor would hurry with his questions and get to the not-boring part of this; looking at our baby.

Finally Dr. Young told Logan to lie down and pull his shirt up. He did and I smiled at the sight of the small bump forming on Logan's stomach. Keira didn't like it at all, she gripped my arm tightly and let out a soft whimper. I felt guilty for scaring her like this, especially on her birthday, but she was going to like the outcome. The doctor squeezed some blue gel on Logan's stomach and Keira's grip on my arm tightened when Logan hissed. "It just feels cold, Keke," Logan soothed. "It doesn't hurt."

Keira nodded, but wasn't really convinced. "What is the doctor going to do?" Keira whispered to me, watching with wide eyes how Dr. Young put the transducer on Logan's belly and started moving it around.

"He's looking inside daddy's stomach," I whispered back.

"Why?"

"You'll see, look at that monitor," I told her quietly, pointing to the monitor the doctor and Logan were looking at as well. Keira was quiet after that, she was still really nervous. I grinned when the familiar grey spot with the size of a baby came into view.

"Keira, do you see that?" I said excitedly, pointing to the monitor. I watched her face, grinning when I saw her little face lighting up.

She nodded and smiled widely. "Daddy, there's a baby in your belly!"

Logan chuckled. "I know, honey. It's been there for a while now. Are you excited to be a big sister again?"

"Yes!"

He smiled and then turned back to the doctor. "Can you give us the sonogram? I would like to show my other family too."

Dr. Young smiled. "I can do that."

"Then you got to show the picture of the baby to Kegan, grandma and auntie Katie, okay? They don't know about the baby yet," Logan said to Keira.

"Okay!"

Once Dr. Young made sure everything was still okay, Logan got some paper towels to clean his stomach and then the two of them went to the office next to this room to talk about some other stuff that had something to do with pregnancy but wasn't meant for Keira's ears –or mine, but I doubted that. So we sat in the waiting room together and looked at the printed picture Dr. Young gave us of the baby. "When is he going to be here?" Keira asked.

"That's going to be a while, Keke. Baby has to stay in daddy's stomach for a long time before he or she is ready to come out."

"Oh," She said sadly. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know, we've to wait for that until the baby's born."

" Jenna gets a baby brother, but he is still in her mommy's belly."

"Oh, really? Jenna is getting another sibling too?"

"Yup. It's a boy, but she wanted a sister."

"And what do you want the baby in daddy's stomach to be?"

Keira shrugged. "I have a brother, a little sister is cool."

"But you wouldn't mind to have another brother?"

She shook her head. "I like Kegan."

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "I'm sure he likes you too, Keke. And I love you."

"Logie love, papa."

Logan came back that minute and Keira jumped off my lap, running up to him. "Daddy, I wanna feel the baby!"

"Alright, honey," He chuckled. "Let me sit down first, okay?" Logan sat in the chair next to mine and Keira stood next to him, her hands immediately flying to his stomach.

She giggled and patted it happily. "It feels hard."

"Yeah, that's normal, Keira. It's to protect the baby."

"I like the baby," Keira cooed.

"You're a sweet girl," Logan laughed and ran his fingers through her hair. "Are you ready to go to our next stop?"

"And then the beach?"

"Yes, after that we go to the beach, but you're gonna like this too."

We left the hospital and got into the car. Logan sat with Keira in the back and the two of them were talking about the baby while I drove them to the 'Happy Hippo' pet store. "Okay, we're here," I announced. Keira looked out of the window, eager to see where we were, but I'd made sure to park the car a little further away from the store so she couldn't guess yet.

"Close your eyes, Keke," Logan said, "Papa and I have a surprise for you."

Keira grinned and closed her eyes tightly, clasping her hands over them as well. I got out of the car and opened Keira's door, I picked her up. "No peeking," I said teasingly. I waited until Logan was out of the car too and then we walked to the pet store around the corner. He smiled when he saw the rabbit family through the window.

We walked inside and I felt Keira's confusion. "It smells funny here," She told us.

I chuckled. "Yes, it does." I put her back on the ground. "Don't open your eyes yet," I said when I saw Logan pulling out his camera, wanting to have a picture of the moment she saw her present. Over his shoulder I saw the lady that owned the store watching with a smile; I gave her a smile back.

"Turn a little bit, Keira, don't open your eyes yet! Daddy wants to make a picture of you first." Logan waved at me with his hand, telling me to crouch down. I rolled my eyes, but did it anyway to make him happy. I put my arm around Keira's little frame and smiled at the camera. "Okay, Keke. You can open your eyes now."

I watched closely how she pulled her hands away and opened her eyes. Keira started beaming the moment she saw the little bunnies bouncing around. "You like them?" I asked her.

"Yes," Keira whispered.

"They're your birthday present. You can pick two."

"Really?" She asked happily.

I smiled. "Really, baby. But first we have to ask the nice lady over there which ones are female bunnies."

"I'll put the females in a box so you can see them better," The woman said with a smile. Keira nodded eagerly and we watched how the lady took four of the little bunnies and put them in another box. Keira was immediately all over them, stroking their fur and cooing at them. It took a long time before Keira picked the two she wanted; a white one she called Snow White and a black one she named Jasmine.

Keira was a little sad we couldn't take them home yet, but was okay with it when we explained they were still babies and had to stay with their mother for a little while longer. Though she ordered Logan to take pictures of them so she could show them to grandma and Kegan and Lizzy and the others. After we did that we left the store, the woman assured us she wouldn't sell the bunnies Keira wanted to someone else and the three of us were off to the beach.

Logan was getting nervous during the ride there and I knew it was because of the fact we were going to tell everyone we were having a baby. I was nervous too; how would they react? All the adults knew that the reason Logan started working so much was because we couldn't have the baby we wanted so bad. We'd told everyone that we'd stopped trying and moved on. And we did, ML3 was more an accident than anything else. A very, very welcome accident.

But what if they thought Logan overreacted about not being able to have another baby? Would they be mad at him again? I didn't want that, everything was finally normal again, I didn't want any more fights in our family the next hundred years.

I was probably nervous for no reason; everyone would be happy for us.

We arrived at the beach and walked to the place James told us they would be sitting. Keira was excited, grasping the picture of the ultrasound in her little hands. She almost fell one time and I carried her for the rest of the way; I didn't want her to get hurt on her birthday. "What are you going to tell grandma when you show her the picture?"

"That it's a baby living in daddy's belly."

Logan chuckled and I smiled. "That's a good explanation, honey. Tell her that."

We had to walk for a few more minutes, but then I saw the red parasol James described in his last text when he told us where we could find them. I took the picture from Keira put her back on the ground, "There they are, baby, go say hi," I told her. She nodded and ran up to them.

Logan came closer and slipped his hand into mine as we walked. "There is nothing to worry about, sweetie. They'll all like it."

He smiled at me. "Yeah, I know."

I squeezed his hand and then we reached the group of people that was our family, Keira was already sitting next to mom, telling her grandma about her birthday present. We said hello to everyone and sat down next to James and Carlos. Kegan found us quickly and sat next to Logan, telling him all about how he and Lizzy beat James and Carlos with some game they played this morning. Katie and Dak were sitting together under the parasol in the shadow. Probably because Katie was pregnant -she was getting pretty round.

At some point I felt James pulling the ultrasound picture out of my hand. He studied it with a smile and nudged, Carlos showing it to him as well. "You guys going to tell everyone?" Carlos asked excitedly.

"Keira's gonna tell, she went with us to the ultrasound this morning," I explained.

"Oh. Was she excited?"

I smiled. "Yes. Very." Both my friends smiled as well, Keira was a very caring big sister. James gave me back the picture and I called my daughter. "Keira," I said and waved with the little paper when I got her attention.

She grinned and took it from me, then went back to mom. "Look, grandma!"

"What is it, sweetie?" Mom asked, taking the picture from Keira.

"It's a baby!"

Mom raised her eyebrows, glancing at Katie for a moment. "How did you get this?"

"I went with Papa and Daddy to a hospital and daddy had to lie down on a table and then the doctor looked inside daddy's tummy and there was a baby!"

Mom stared at Keira and then looked at me. I grinned at her and reached out to cover Logan's stomach with my hand, caressing slowly with my thumb. "No way! Guys, that's so exciting!" She squealed happily. "I'm gonna be grandma for the sixth time!"

I chuckled and got up when mom came over to hug Logan and me. Next was Katie, she ignored me completely and immediately went up to Logan, telling him she was so excited they were pregnant together. Dak did come over to shake my hand and congratulate me. James and Carlos just smiled and stayed where they were; they already knew after all.

But then my eyes fell on Kegan. He was sitting next to Lizzy, but he didn't look all that happy. His eyes were big as he looked at all the big people being excited while he had no idea what was going on. I went up to him and picked him up. "What's up, Kegie? Hmm?"

"Is it true what Keira says?" He whispered and pressed his face in the crook of my neck.

"About the baby? Yes, that's true, baby. You're gonna be a big brother," I told him gently. Suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore about Kegan liking this. Not that we could change it now.

"But where do I go then?" He whispered, his face terrified.

"You're gonna stay right here, Kegie. You don't have to go anywhere."

"But we can't both be the youngest," He whimpered and grabbed onto my shirt.

"No, that's true, but now you're gonna be a big brother, like Keira is your big sister. Daddy and I are not gonna do you away, baby. There's just a baby going to live with us now, nothing is going to change and no one is going away."

"Is daddy staying too?"

"Of course he is staying with us, why would he not?"

"Because daddy left when I was a baby, but I don't want that, papa. Daddy's to stay here with me."

"Aw, Kegie," I said softly. "How about we ask daddy to say it?"

He nodded and put his arms around my neck. I rubbed his back while I waited until Logan finished his talk with Dak. Keira was now sitting between Katie and mom, telling them about what happened at the ultrasound and James and Carlos were explaining to Lizzy that Logan had a baby in his tummy that was going to live with us in a few months; she looked excited.

I met Logan's gaze and motioned for him to come over. He did, the expression on his face now worried. "Kegan, here is daddy," I said and carefully pulled him off of me, handing him to Logan. Kegan immediately grabbed onto him, hiding his little face in Logan's neck.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked me when Kegan didn't say anything and just clung to Logan tightly.

"Kegan was a little worried he couldn't stay with us when the baby was born, he knows he's not going anywhere when the baby is here, but now he wants to know you're staying too."

Logan smiled sadly. "I'm not going away, Kegie. Not ever. I'm staying right here with you and Keira and papa and your new brother or sister when he or she is born."

"Promise?" Kegan whispered to him.

"I promise, baby." Logan sat down on the blanket, still holding Kegan to him. I followed his example, feeling awkward to stand when everyone was sitting. "You know, baby is really excited to meet you and Keira and Lizzy. He's really happy to have a big sister and a big brother."

That made Kegan look up. "Really?"

"Yes! You can play with the baby and learn him or her how to play soccer."

"But what if the baby is a girl?"

"Keira plays soccer with you sometimes, doesn't she? And Lizzy does it with you all the time. Girls can play soccer too."

"Yes, but they are bigger than the baby. Babies can't play soccer."

Logan laughed. "No, babies can't play soccer. You have to wait until he or she is a little bigger."

"I wanna see the baby too, daddy. Just like Keira. Can I?"

"We'll see, Kegie. Maybe you can come with us next time, but I can show you a picture of the baby now if you want?"

Kegan nodded and Logan called Keira, together they showed him the picture of our baby. I watched it happily, glad that Kegan liked the baby after all. I imagined how it was going to be when our baby was here, on a day like this. Logan would be sitting with the little baby under the parasol while I was playing with Keira and Kegan in the water, occasionally going back to Logan to see if everything was okay.

I was rudely pulled out of my amazing daydream when James was suddenly next to me. "Kendall, help me get the beach chairs from the car," He said casually, though the look in his eyes told me something was off.

"Yeah, sure," I said and got up. Logan was still talking with Keira and Kegan about their new sibling and none of them seemed to mind it very much I was leaving for a few minutes.

"Oh! I'll help too!" Carlos said and was already getting on his legs.

"We got it, baby. Keep Logan company until Kendall's back, maybe then he won't freak out from being apart too long."

Carlos grinned and Logan stuck his tongue out at James. I rolled my eyes and grabbed James' arm, "Sure, James. Like we can't be apart from each other for a few minutes. Can we go now? It was your lazy ass that wanted to sit in a beach chair."

Now it was Logan's turn to laugh, but Carlos chuckled as well. James glared at me. "Fine, we'll go now."

"Good."

James and I walked in silence until I couldn't take it anymore. "James, what's going on?" I asked confused.

He shook his head. "Wait until we're back at the car, I have to show you something," He said quietly.

I frowned and studied his face more closely. He was worried, not just a 'oh, did I close the upstairs windows before I left?' but more of a 'shit, this is not good, this is so not good' worry. It concerned me as well; what was going on that he needed to talk to me so badly? On Keira's birthday, when everything was supposed to be rainbows and happiness?

James led me to his dark blue Mercedes and motioned for me to get in. I did, waiting until James closed his door before speaking, "Spill."

"I really don't have anything to tell you," He said emotionless. He reached out into the back seat and then pulled his hand back, holding a white envelope. "Look at this," He whispered, dropping the envelope in my lap.

It was heavy when I picked it up, like it was full with papers. I opened it and then found out why it was so heavy; there were pictures in it. More confused than ever I pulled them out, frowning when I saw the first picture. It was just Lizzy playing on a playground, probably when she went somewhere with her fathers because I didn't recognize the place or the clothes she was wearing. "James, how is this important?"

"Just look at the rest," He whispered. "You'll get it."

I nodded and started looking at the rest of the pictures. It was always Lizzy on the picture, playing on a playground, holding an ice cream cone, sitting on a bench, talking to some other kid. It was really weird, because it looked like the pictures were taken from a far. James and Carlos would never stand that far from Lizzy when they took a picture.

But it wasn't until I saw the next picture that I realized James and Carlos didn't take these. This was a picture of Keira and Kegan standing close together when school was over as they waited for me to pick them up. There were more pictures of Keira and Kegan, sometimes together, sometimes alone. I always knew where the picture was taken and on what day. But I didn't do it. James or Carlos weren't with me or Logan on those moments so they couldn't have taken them either.

The last picture scared me most, it was one of Logan and me after we left the hospital on the day we found out he was pregnant. The picture taker knew that too; he'd drawn a red circle around Logan's stomach. "Shit," I whispered.

"I know," James whispered back. "I found them yesterday at work and I had no idea what to do with it. At first I wanted to keep it quiet, I didn't even tell Carlos yet, but this morning I was freaking out thinking of everything that could happen and I realized I had to tell someone. I didn't want to worry Carlos, so..."

"We have to tell him, Logan too," I said, trying to think of something useful to say in a situation like this. What did you do when some stranger took pictures of your children? Watched them and stalked them? My third wasn't even born yet! But I couldn't think of anything, this was beyond our power. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stay with them 24/7. Not even with Logan. And James couldn't either, he had his job and Carlos had his and Lizzy went to school and then home with us. "We should go to the police with this."

"Like they can do something about this. We got a bunch of pictures and we know neither of us took them, but we can't prove it to them. They can't do anything."

"Well, I don't know what we can do either, James!" I said loudly. "For once I don't have a fucking plan, but I do know our children are on those pictures and I want to know they're safe!"

"As if that isn't exactly what I want too! I just know that until we have more evidence we're being watched, there's nothing the police can do for us! Look, all I want is that you'll watch her like a hawk when Carlos and I aren't there."

"Did you not see those pictures? You got one child, I have three to look after! How am I supposed to watch four people all the fucking time!"

"Yeah, you have three! She's my only child!"

"So it doesn't matter when I lose one of mine just because I still got two left? What the hell, James!"

He stared at me for a moment. "No, I didn't mean it like that," He said softly. "It would kill me too if something happened to Keira or Kegan or the baby, but Lizzy..."

I saw the wild look in his eyes and understood what he meant. As much as I loved Lizzy, Keira and Kegan and my baby would come before her. They were mine. "I understand, but we can't do this, dude. We can't watch them all, all the time. That's impossible."

"I'm free for the summer, I didn't take on another project. I think we can handle it ourselves for a while. Please, Kendall, let's wait with taking another step until we know more. We'll go to the police if or when the picture taker makes his next more, I promise."

I sighed. "Fine. Are we gonna tell Logan and Carlos?"

"I don't want to worry Carlos. He still got to work and he'll want to stay home as well when he finds out about this, I just don't want to freak out over this because it's probably just a threat. I can't decide for Logan, but do you really want him to stress when he's pregnant?"

I hadn't thought about that yet. "Shit. No, I don't want that. Okay, we're not going to tell them. Yet. We have to tell them if it happens again, James, they're their parents too."

"I know," James sighed.

I started looking through the pictures again, stating that all of them were taken at other places than our houses. That made me feel a little better, at least it was safe there. But it made me think; who took these pictures? Who knew where we took the children? Where they went to school? Was someone following us? Was that person here right now, taking pictures of our family sitting happily together at the beach? "James, who's taking these pictures?" I asked slowly.

He bit his lip. "I don't know," He whispered, "But since most of them are pictures of Lizzy I'm assuming it's that lady you saw at the school or the unknown father. Still, we can't prove it, these two things might not be connected-"

"Or it's a warning; they don't want us to search for Mary-Alice. Every step we got closer to her, something happens that prevents us from finding her," I said softly. That came down hard. If what I said was true, we could easily stop this stalker when we stopped searching for Mary-Alice. Which would mean they were safe; Keira, Kegan, Lizzy, Logan and our baby...

But it would also mean that James and Carlos would never have Lizzy's sister. That they'll forever know that she has one, but had to stop searching for her because I didn't want to risk my family, my children. Honestly, that was an easy choice; I would do everything to protect them. But I knew that when I decided I didn't want to continue searching for Mary-Alice, my friends were going to hate me forever. Because James was right about that; I had two children and one on the way, while he had one and wanted to have the other half of that twin; I couldn't blame them for that.

Apparently James had thought of the same thing, because he was staring at me, his eyes big. "Shit, Kendall. You're not gonna stop searching for her, are you? Logan's connection with the hospital is the only chance we have in finding her."

"I know. I know, but... I-" I sighed. "We'll see, okay? Until we get more pictures or anything else from this person, I won't stop Logan from trying to get into that list you guys need. But when we do get something... I don't know, James. With the police involved we can't go into that archive anyway, because Logan isn't working there until January next year and he has no reason to be there. It's too suspicious, but until then... You know, maybe this person was just bluffing and won't do anything when we continue to search for her. Let's just hope for that."

James nodded uncertainly. "Yeah, maybe."

"We have to go back now, though, we still have to eat birthday cake."

He chuckled. "If they left us some."

They didn't. Keira was met at me for a minute because now I didn't see how she blew all the candles out at once, but she got over it when mom distracted her with presents. We watched her opening them and play with them, like always everyone had spoiled her rotten, though it didn't really matter with Keira, because you could spoil her all you wanted, she would never turn into selfish, spoiled brat; she cared too much for that.

Kegan and Lizzy were sitting in the sand a little further away, attempting to build a sandcastle, but it didn't really look like it yet. James was watching them closely while running hand through Carlos' hair, who was either tanning or sleeping. It didn't take long before Keira had opened all her presents and she wanted to go play too. She took mom with her, because she didn't want to make a sandcastle on her own.

Just when I laid down, Katie came up to us. "Logan, I've been wanting to ask you some stuff," Katie said as she sat down next to him.

"Alright, about what?"

"About pregnancy stuff, I could've asked mom, but then I figured I would get better answers from someone who's been pregnant recently and it a doctor. So, how the fuck did you sleep? I can't lie on my back or my stomach, but I can't find a comfortable position on my side either. So, how did you?"

I turned my head to the side in time to see Logan's face heat up. "Well, you know, I used Kendall as a pillow." Katie raised her eyebrows and Logan looked down at the sand. "There are special pregnancy pillows, Katie. They take the pressure of your back and stomach, but I never tried it, because Kendall was- is my pillow." His face was redder than ever and he was still not meeting Katie's eyes, who looked kind of amused and uncomfortable at the same time.

"Okay, so that's something I could do, but I have more. How did you guys do that when Keira was here? Who got up at night or did you take turns? And how long did it take before she slept through the night?"

"About a month after she was born, but with Kegan it took much longer, about three months. And Kendall was the one that got up at night, he wanted me to recover fully after the C-section, even three months after birth- shit, I sound like a spoiled kid."

"Yeah, you kinda do," Katie chuckled. "So I just have to make Dak do it? I can do that."

"It's not really fair though, I rather take turns but Kendall won't let me."

"You can get up in the middle of the night if you want to, sweetie. Don't worry," I told him and reached out to rub his thigh.

I didn't have to open my eyes to know Katie was rolling her eyes, but I didn't have time to answer, because the next moment someone small and sandy jumped onto my stomach. "Papa!" Kegan shouted. I groaned when all the air was forced out of my lungs. "Come swim with me!"

"No," I said, grumpy. "You crushed me."

"But I wanna go in the water. Please, papa?" I opened my eyes and was met with two wide, hopeful brown ones.

I sighed and sat up. I really had to learn how to say no to those eyes. "I'll go with you, buddy."

Kegan grinned and got up. He grabbed my arm and started pulling. "Come!"

"You got to put armbands on first," I said. "I don't want you to drown."

He pulled a face. "I don't want to."

"You have to, Kegan. Or we're not going to swim."

He glared at me, but went up to Logan who was already blowing air in the inflatable armbands. He put them around Kegan's arms and got up himself. "I'll go with you guys." Katie got up too and so did Carlos, James and Dak. When Keira and Lizzy saw we were going in the ocean, they wanted to come too. Mom stayed behind to guard the blanket and all our stuff.

It was fun to play in the water for a while, but I didn't forget about the pictures James had showed me. I tried to forget about them, just for today, because maybe they didn't even mean anything. It was probably just a celebrity photographer who was going to do some kind of article about Big Time Rush, four years after they'd broken up.

Keira and Lizzy were quickly done in the water. Lizzy didn't like swimming in the first place and Keira didn't enjoy all the salt water in her hair. Kegan didn't want to swim anymore either because then he'd be the only kid in the water. James and Carlos went with them. Dak and Katie had taken off long ago and were probably making out somewhere.

"Rawr!" Logan exclaimed when he jumped on my back. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying out in pain, my back was hurting again. I quickly put my hands under Logan's thigh, lifting some of his weight off my back. Logan didn't notice any of this and gently bit in my neck. "I'm going to eat you."

I laughed. "Oh, I'm so scared!"

He kissed my neck and then rested his head on my shoulder. "I'm gonna swim a little further in the ocean, wanna come with me?"

"Sure." Logan climbed off my back and together we walked deeper into the water until we couldn't stand anymore. We swum for a few minutes and surprisingly it felt good on my back; it didn't hurt as much anymore. I was going a little faster than he was, but it was fine because I could hear him behind me. Until I suddenly didn't hear him anymore. I turned around, but he was gone. I immediately began to panic; where did he go? Did he turn around without telling me? Did a shark pull him under the water and killed him? Was he drowning somewhere deep down because his feet got tangled in kelp?

I yelled when I suddenly felt something grabbing onto my foot, relaxing when I looked down and saw Logan. He moved his hands up my legs and then my torso while he came up. I splashed water in his face when his head emerged. "Not funny!" I whined when he started laughing. "I thought you drowned!"

"Aw. Sorry." He put his hands on my shoulders and kissed me sweetly.

"You taste like salt water," I complained when he pulled away, still not very happy he scared me like that.

He smiled and rolled his eyes, then leaned in to kiss me again. I let him and we quickly lost ourselves in our kiss. Logan put his legs around my waist and that was when I realized we couldn't stand here and I could keep us up forever. "Logie, I can't stand here, let's go back a bit so we won't drown while we kiss."

Logan nodded and let go of me, this time I made sure he was in front of me while we swum back to shallow waters. The moment Logan felt sand under his feet he came back to me. He put his arms around my neck and wrapped his legs around my waist. I rested my forehead against his and kissed him softly, slowly lowering us further into the water until only our heads were emerging. "Hey, Kendall, about this morning..." He said. I hummed, showing him I was listening. "You could do something if you wanted to, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"What Keira said about working, you could find yourself a job if you want to. Maybe something with gardening since you like doing that so much; Keira and Kegan are both in school now and being home all the time for the next half year might get boring."

I had to think about that for a while. Did I want that? Until now the only thing I saw when I looked at the six months that would follow, was Logan and me spending a lot of time together, being around each other and close all day. But what if Logan was right and even that would get boring after a while? I couldn't imagine that, I would never get tired of Logan. But maybe he would get tired of me? That hurt. A lot.

"I don't know, Logie," I said softly. "I'm not sure I want that."

He smiled, running his fingers over my cheek. "It's just a suggestion, Kendall. You don't have to for me. I'm more than fine with the two of us being at home."

I nodded and kissed him again. "Give me some time to think about it, you just surprised me and right now I don't really feel like going out or doing anything else than taking care of you at home. I don't want to do now anyway, not when the kids have vacation and are home all day."

"Okay," Logan said softly. "And remember that I'll never get tired of having you around me all day, okay? I'm just saying this because I thought you might like it."

I smiled and nuzzled our noses together. "I love you."

"I love you too," Logan whispered before pressing his lips to mine softly.

"Maybe I'll think about it again when our baby is born," I said thoughtfully. "You'll be going to work again then and it might actually be a good idea, but then we will have to sit down with James and Carlos and talk about a better babysit schedule, I don't want to bring ML3 to daycare."

"Why not?" Logan asked. "They'll take good care of yo- the baby."

"They probably will, but then I feel bad because I always looked after Keira and Kegan myself or left them with someone we knew well, but then ML3 has to go to daycare and that feels unfair."

I couldn't describe the look Logan had in his eyes on that moment, but it was intense. "Shit, Kendall," He whispered before literally attacking me with his mouth. It was a lot like that time in the club when we went out with James and Carlos.

I kissed him back, running my hands over his back soothingly. It didn't really help, he clung onto me desperately, his arms and legs tightly around my neck and waist. "What did I get that for?" I asked curiously when he pulled away, though his grip on me was still as tight.

"Shut up," He whispered and put his head on my shoulder. "You're perfect. You're the best father ever."

I smiled and pulled him closer, attaching my lips to his neck. Logan shivered when I bit lightly in his skin and started sucking on it. I moved on, giving him more little love bites while I moved my fingers along the waistband of his swim shorts. "S-shit, K-K-Kendall. S-stop," He stuttered and started pulling away. "Not here."

I chuckled, but let him go. "Okay, baby."

He kissed me and then grabbed my hand. "Let's go back, I'm hungry and I think Bitters must be here with the pizza by now."

We swum back to the beach and sure enough everyone was sitting on the blanket or a towel, eating pizza. Logan and I sat down too and grabbed a piece. Keira came up to us, a towel wrapped around her body, and she was shivering really bad. She quickly sat down between my legs and snuggled into my chest to get a little warmer.

"Papa, where's the baby going to sleep?"

"For the first few months with me and daddy in the big room, then he or she goes to the walk in closet."

"Baby can have my room too if he wants."

I laughed. "That's really sweet of you, Keke, but that's your room, you can stay there."

"'Kay. Can I tell Jenna about the baby?"

"Sure, baby. That's okay." I ran my fingers through her wet hair and kissed the top of her head. "Did you have fun today?"

"Yep. I don't wanna go home yet."

"We don't have to yet. You can go play with Kegan and Lizzy for a little longer."

* * *

><p>It wasn't much longer. The children were all tired and whiny and it was going to be hell to bath them tonight, but we had to because of all the sand and salt water in their hair. We said goodbye to everyone and then went back to the car. Once home, it was indeed awful to get Keira and Kegan clean and in bed, but we managed. Right now I was really tired and waiting for Logan to come back from the bathroom. It was still hot and I was lying on top of the blankets, hoping this night wouldn't be as awful as the last.<p>

Logan came back, chuckling softly when he saw me lying sprawled out on the bed in just my boxers. He climbed next to me and put his head on my arm, our sides touching. "I had fun today," He told me. "This was Keira's best birthday so far."

"Yeah, it was," I agreed, deciding not to tell him he was the reason the last few birthday we had weren't as much fun. "Aren't you gonna be cold not lying under the covers?"

Logan shook his head and turned onto his side, resting his head on my chest. "No, I got you, how can I be cold then?"

I smiled and kissed the top of his head. I loved it when he said things like that, words that said he needed me. Logan hummed contently and snuggled deeper into my arms, closing his eyes tiredly. "Kendall, our anniversary is coming up," He mumbled.

"Yeah, I know." How could I possibly forget the first time we made love to each other? This year it would be exactly ten years ago and I wanted to do something special, I just didn't know what exactly.

"You're not allowed to make any plans for that day. I wanna do it."

My heart melted and I put my arm tighter around him. "Okay, baby. What are you gonna do?"

"It's a surprise," He answered.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course it is."

"Shuddup," He yawned. "Wanna sleep."

I kept my mouth and stared up at the ceiling while slowly running my hand over his back. To say I was curious about his plans was an understatement, but I was really excited for it. I always used to do the planning and surprising on those days, our love making anniversary, our wedding anniversary. This was the first time Logan said he wanted to surprise me, though part of the surprise was already gone by telling me he was going to surprise me, but whatever.

I loved it.

Tonight, the heat wasn't as much of a bother as it was this morning. Maybe because I was tired now, or because it was still early in the night, or because I had the love of my life in my arms, our baby safely inside his stomach, but I fell asleep quite quickly.


	19. Chapter 19

**I'm sitting here, writing this author's note with pain in my heart, because Holland just lost from Denmark in European Championship (Soccer) with 0-1. We're supposed to have the second best soccer team in the world, but if we even can't win this…**

* * *

><p>"Kendall," Logan whispered in my ear. "Kendall, wake up."<p>

I groaned and opened my eyes, looking up at my husband. The first thing I noticed was that it was still dark outside, the moon high in the sky. The second thing was that Logan was already showered and dressed, something that was just odd. Definitely this early in the morning. "Where you going?" I asked tiredly, though I was quickly waking up from the fact of Logan leaving. I didn't want him to.

"Nowhere without you," He answered with a smile. "Go take a shower, we've to go in an hour."

I sat up a little a wiped the sleep from my eyes, before taking a look at my alarm. 4:00 am. I groaned again and looked back at Logan. "This early, really?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, Kendall, but you'll really like what we're going to do."

That was when I remembered what day it was. The first of our series of anniversaries. We got a lot of anniversaries, not that I minded. Not at all. We had this one, the anniversary of the first time we made love to each other. Then we got another for our wedding day and... well, that was it. But it still was a lot, since most couples just celebrated the day they got married instead of all the days something important happened. I just loved Logan too much to celebrate the fact I had him only once a year.

I sat up in bed and smiled at him, a little more excited now that I remembered what was going to happen today. Or, what Logan's surprise was for me on this fine day. "Where are we going?" I asked him while I got up, wincing when I felt the almost familiar pain in my back coming back.

Logan didn't notice though a kissed my cheek. "You'll see. Go shower, I'll make you breakfast."

I nodded and watched him leave the room, before releasing the whimper in pain and carefully stretching my back. The pain had definitely been getting worse for the past few weeks, but I didn't want to tell Logan about it. We were doing so well and this was just going to ruin everything. I didn't want him to worry about anything but the kind of food was good to eat for our baby. I realized I was exactly doing what I always hated about Logan; that he never told me when something was wrong with him. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. Not yet.

It was probably nothing anyway. I was sure the pain would pass by in a few days now.

I slowly walked into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of Advil from the medicine cabinet. There were just a few left and I was a little worried about it, because I definitely needed more than a few to get through this day without any pain. Or to reduce the pain enough to do anything at all... Maybe I could get some where ever we were going to. I hoped so.

I was surprised Logan didn't notice it yet. Usually he was the first to pick up on it when anyone of us was sick. I probably did a good a job hiding it.

I downed two of the four pills that were left, hopefully that was enough for a few hours until I got time to buy new ones, then took off my boxers and shirt and stepped in the shower. The warm water felt great on my back and I made sure to keep the shower running until I was sure the pills started working. After I'd washed my hair and shaved my face I got out again and dried myself, the pain had lessened and I could move without feeling my back act up too much. I really had to go do something about this soon.

When I got back into our bedroom I noticed something had changed; Logan had made our bed and put clothes for me on the bed while I was in the shower. Just some shorts and a t-shirt, nothing that revealed to me where we were going. I put them on and grabbed my phone from the charger on the night stand, then went down to eat.

Logan was standing at the stove, baking omelets for the two of us. "Hey," He said with a smile. "Can you take over for a minute?" I forgot something."

I nodded suspiciously and watched him run pass me up the stairs. I wondered what he was up to. Yesterday I got the first clue of his plan, when he'd announced that Keira and Kegan were going to have a sleep over at Katie and Dak's. The children loved it and right after dinner Logan brought them away. I had no idea what was going on and at first I was a little mad at Logan for doing this without asking me, or even telling me about it first. He had a good way to make it up to me though, so I forgave him.

When he'd fallen asleep, I had been awake for a long time, trying to ignore the pain in my back and fall asleep, but it didn't really work. Instead I started worrying about the not so nice things in my life. Where was Mary-Alice? Who was sabotaging our search for her? Who was taking those pictures of my family? What was that fucking pain in my back?

Everything, all my problems, seemed more serious at night.

Hopefully we wouldn't have to worry about the stalker for a while, because James and Carlos were in Minnesota for a month with Lizzy, visiting some family. It seemed unlikely that the stalker followed them all the way there and at the same time watched my family.

I froze when I realized Keira and Kegan weren't here; I couldn't watch over them. Logan was obviously taking me somewhere for our anniversary, but now I couldn't keep an eye on them to make sure they were okay. Shit. But I couldn't do anything about it now, Logan was going to hate me forever if I told him we couldn't do what he planned for today.

Maybe I should call Katie and ask her to watch them closely, always make sure that she knew where they were... But no, I couldn't do that. Katie would know something was wrong and would want to know what it was exactly. I couldn't have that, I promised James not to tell anyone unless we got more pictures or any other sign of this... sick person.

I heard Logan coming down the stairs and quickly put the omelet on a plate when I saw I almost let is burn. I looked up in time to see Logan putting a back pack on the floor that was obviously stuffed with whatever he was taking to where we were going. "Do you have your phone?" He asked me. "And your wallet?"

"I got my phone, wallet is on the table in the hall," I told him. "Am I going to need those?"

"Hopefully not," He said absentmindedly, as if he was thinking hard about stuff. "Okay, I think I got everything."

"Logan, where are we going? I'm really, really curious now."

"I'm not going to tell you. You'll figure it out soon enough."

"Logie," I whined. "I hate this."

"Alright. I'll tell you we stay in California."

"There are lots of places in California," I grumbled and put our breakfast on the table so we could eat it.

Logan came over and sat in my lap. "It's just an hour, Kendall. Then you'll know. Well, we won't be there yet, but I can't keep it a secret that long."

I sighed. "Fine."

He smiled and put his arm around my neck. "You'll like what we're going to do, promise."

"Okay, Logie," I said and yawned. "Are you sure we have to leave now? I could use some more hours of sleep."

"Yes, we got a fl-" He abruptly stopped talking. "It's a long trip."

I grinned. "I heard that. We got a... flight to catch? Maybe?"

"No," He muttered, but the blush on his cheeks betrayed him.

"Ha! Where are we going?" I asked excitedly.

"I'm not saying anything anymore. It was supposed to be a surprise," Logan pouted and started eating his omelet.

"That it's not a surprise anymore doesn't mean I like it any less, sweetie. Besides, I still don't know where we're going."

He tried to hide the smile that came to his face, but wasn't succeeding. "I hate it how you exactly know what to say."

"That's my job, Logie."

"Aw." Logan leaned in and kissed me softly. "You're sweet."

I kissed him again, moving my hand up to the back of his neck to keep him there. Logan went with it for a few minutes, but pulled away eventually. "C'mon, we have to go soon and we still need to eat."

"Promise we get to make out later?"

"As if you wouldn't make time for it yourself if I didn't do it; but yes, we got all the time we want when we get at t- our destination."

I smiled contently and pulled him closer to me. "Good."

Logan pulled his omelet closer and made a bite, holding the fork to my mouth. I took it and chewed on it, but the idea of food this early in the morning wasn't appealing at all. "No, I'm good, Logie," I said when he wanted to give me another bite. "I'm not really hungry."

"You sure? You haven't been eating a lot lately," He said worriedly.

"I'm fine, baby. It's just the weather, I hate eating when it's this hot. And it's still too early for my stomach to accept any food at all. I'll eat later."

Logan nodded and went back to eating his omelet, moving on to mine when he finished it. I watched him, glad he didn't have a problem with eating anymore. Ever since he knew he was pregnant, I hadn't heard him complaining about it once. I liked it. One less thing to worry about. I slipped my hands under his shirt under his stomach and rubbed softly, knowing Logan enjoyed it when I touched his bump. It was definitely noticeable now, his shirts getting tighter around his waist. He wasn't happy with it, though he didn't say anything about it, but I still remembered when his shirt tore at the seems when he was pregnant with Keira and I knew he didn't like it.

It made me think about something else. "Hey, are you sure it's safe to fly while your pregnant?" I asked concerned.

"Yes. I asked Dr. Young when I was there last time and he it was okay when it wasn't a really long flight. I also have to walk around for a bit every half hour to stimulate blood circulation and make sure I eat and drink plenty. And to keep my diabetes kit close, but I always do that, so that wasn't anything new."

I made a mental note to get the emergency shot from the drawer of my night stand before we left. They probably had those on the plane as well, but I liked to have at least a little control when it was about Logan.

"Okay."

Quickly after he finished breakfast we left -I got the emergency kit when Logan was using the bathroom. I insisted on driving since I now knew where to go to and I didn't want Logan behind the steering wheel with his pregnancy and all. I didn't want to know what would happen if we got in an accident and our little, delicate baby was crushed between Logan and the airbag.

It was getting a little lighter outside now, but it wasn't busy on the roads at all. Just the occasional truck and early morning traveler like we. I let Logan out at the departure hall so he could check us in while I parked the car. By the time I was there too he was all done and we went through security.

We got problems though. Some guy noticed the 'weird' bump on Logan's stomach and thought he was hiding drugs in there -seriously, how was anyone supposed to get drugs inside his body? But Logan was prepared and brought papers signed by Dr. Young and the ultrasound picture to show nothing was going on and they let him go through.

We had to wait an hour before we could go to the gate and we walked around for a bit, buying some food to eat on the plane -airplane food just wasn't good, I had plenty of experience with that-and I had no idea where we were going, so I wanted to be prepared. Logan had said we were staying in California, so the flight couldn't take longer than two hours.

It wasn't until Logan told me to which gate we had to go that I figured out where we were going; San Diego. "What's in San Diego?" I asked him curiously.

"Something you like," Logan said vaguely.

"And how long are we staying there?"

"Three days, two nights. We go back Sunday evening."

"A whole weekend, huh? Our anniversary just lasts one day, sweetie."

"Shut up. It's the tenth anniversary and the first time I planned things; I wanted to do it big."

I grinned and kissed his temple. "You're doing great so far, baby. I'm excited."

He smiled happily and leaned into my side. We walked to the gate and showed the people from security our passports and boarding passes, then went to our seats in the back of the plane. Logan sat by the window and looked out of it excitedly; he liked to see how we 'rose from the earth into the sky' and always told stories about this being 'one of the wonders of human-kind' using lots of big words I didn't understand. I listened anyway because he liked to explain things and talk about science related topics.

But this time Logan didn't start explaining how the engines of an airplane worked, instead he put the armrest in between our chairs up and cuddled into my side. He rested his head on my chest and closed his eyes, falling asleep before the pilot even started the engines. I carefully put my head on top of his, closing my eyes as well. My mind was just clear enough to check if we were wearing seatbelts before I fell asleep as well.

I woke up just a few minutes later when one of the stewards came by to check if we were wearing seatbelts and gave us a blanket. I used it to cover Logan up so he wouldn't get cold, but after this, I couldn't fall asleep anymore. Instead I focused on Logan, holding him, gently rubbing his stomach and keeping him close. He felt so soft and warm when he was with baby.

I kissed the side of his head, quickly moving back when I felt the familiar sting in my back. To say this back pain was getting annoying was a big understatement. The 'seatbelts on' sign was lighted and the plane started taxiing, it was too late to ask for a cup of water to swallow my last two pills... Oh well, then without water. Hopefully I would get some time at the airport to buy some new ones... Preferably while Logan didn't notice.

I really had to go to a doctor soon.

* * *

><p>An hour later we were standing at the airport and I had spotted the pharmacy; THE place for me to be right now.<p>

"Logie, can you get us some coffee while I go to the bathroom? If I don't get coffee or pee within the next two minutes, I'll explode from the lack of caffeine or a full bladder."

He laughed. "Sure, I'll go get coffee."

I grinned and gave him a kiss. "Thank you. Meet you here?"

He nodded and walked to the little cafe I saw that was quite busy. The moment he walked into the shop, I rushed into the pharmacy and practically ran to the aisle with pain killers. I grabbed the familiar box with pills and held them tightly, the relieve washing over my body quickly, almost as quick as the pain came back. No, I totally wasn't addicted to these...

While I was here I decided to take some more pain killers with names I recognized, see if something else worked better. I paid for them and took two, then hid everything deep in the backpack, not wanting Logan to find it all and start questioning me about it. I was going to a doctor soon. I just had to find the right moment.

I went back to the place I was going to meet up with Logan, glad that he wasn't there yet. Now I didn't have to worry about the pain in my back anymore, but my other urgent problem came right back to my head. Keira and Kegan. Were they okay?

I took a look at my watch and decided that seven thirty in the morning was a decent time to call my sister to ask about my children. She would have to get used to getting up early soon anyway, might as well start today. I dialed her number. "What?" She snapped.

"Good morning, baby sister."

"Kendall. God. It's too early! What the hell do you want?"

"My children will wake up soon, you should thank me for waking you instead of Kegan yelling at you he's hungry."

"Does he do that? Why did I ever agree to this?" She groaned. "Dak, get up and make breakfast for our niece and nephew. Dak. Dak!"

Katie put the phone down, but I could still hear the two of them arguing; Katie was definitely winning. Pregnant women were dangerous. I was glad Logan wasn't a woman. "I'm back, Dak's going to get us breakfast somewhere, he's too lazy to make it himself. Hopefully he's back before they wake up. So, how San Diego so far?"

"I didn't see much of it yet, but the airport is great."

She laughed. "Okay, go enjoy your day. Or is there another reason you called besides waking me up?"

"Uhm. Yes. Watch my children? Closely? There, uh, was this one day epidemic virus at their school and I'm afraid they might get sick."

"Kendall, you realize they have summer vacation and neither of them went to school in four weeks?" She sighed. "Never mind, you don't have to tell me the reason, I'll keep an eye on them."

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it, go have a great weekend with Logan and I'll make sure they're safe. By the way, if you don't bring me a stuffed animal from Sea World, I'll kill you."

I chuckled. "I will, Katie. Thanks for telling me Logan's taking me to Sea World."

"Damn it. I promised not to tell. Oh, well. Just act surprised when you get here."

"Okay, Katie. I've to go now, Logan's back with my coffee."

"Okay. Bye, big brother."

"Talk to you later." I smiled at Logan when he walked up to me with two paper cups. "Thank you," I said happily and reached out to take one of them, but Logan pulled his hand back.

"That's mine," He said defensively and glared at me. "This is your coffee." He handed me the other cup.

"What'cha got?" I asked him curiously.

"Hot chocolate. And it's mine. You're not getting any."

"I don't want it, Logie. You can have it all."

He grinned at me and grabbed my hand. "We should go rent a car and go to the hotel so we can dump our stuff and go to- somewhere."

* * *

><p>It went just like that. We found a rental car that didn't smell funny and went to the small, cozy hotel Logan had picked out in the older part of the city. Our room was not that big and had dark wooden furniture that made it look even smaller, but it looked warm and inviting and I didn't want to leave here yet. Luckily Logan felt the same about it.<p>

He came up to me after putting away our clothes and sneaked his hands under my shirt, slowly moving them up to my chest and taking my shirt up with them. I helped him take it off, then put my arms around his middle and pressed our mouths together. Our slow kiss quickly turned into something needier when Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed his body against mine. The friction was great and I was suddenly wondering what the last time was we made love... Too long ago since I couldn't even remember.

I broke away for a minute to pull his shirt off, suddenly in a hurry to be close to my Logie again. He clung right back to me and tangled his fingers in my hair, his tongue quickly finding it's way to mine. I moved my hands over his soft skin, down to his lower back and pressed his hips against mine, growling low my in throat at the feeling of friction.

Logan pulled away from my mouth and started kissing down my neck to my chest, while his hands traveled over my sides down to the front of my jeans. "What are you up to, huh?" I asked him as he popped the button and pulled down my zipper.

He just grinned at me and leaned it to give me a wet kiss; before he sank down to his knees and pulled my pants and underwear off. Logan took me in his hands and stroked a few times, then took the head in his mouth and started licking and sucking and teasing and I didn't know, but it felt great. I hissed and tangled my fingers in his hair.

Logan looked up at me, the innocent look in his big brown eyes driving me crazy. Especially when he took more of me in his mouth. "God, Logan," I groaned and closed my eyes, thrusting into him shallowly. I didn't want him choking. Logan let it happen and continued to do god knows what that felt so amazing.

Logan pulled off and I opened my eyes, letting out a whine in disappointment, but then he got back on his feet and kissed me. And as much as I liked it when he went down on me, it was nothing like kissing him. He put his arms around my neck and pressed his body against mine. I put my hands under his thighs and lifted him up, carrying him to the bed.

I put him down and climbed over him, attaching our lips once again. Logan opened up for me and put his legs around my waist, once again creating the friction I was craving. I moved on from his mouth, kissing down his neck and nibbling softly on his pulse point. It still had Logan withering. I bit down hard, not tearing his skin, but making sure it left a mark -at least for the weekend.

Logan gasped and shuddered and when I pulled away, there was one pretty red hickey to admire. I leaned in again, placing a soft kiss on it before continuing my journey down. I placed kisses on his chest, moving down to his bumps and kissing him some more there, worshipping Logan for keeping our baby in there, safe and warm and taken care of and loved.

Logan tangled his fingers in my hair and tugged on my locks, urging me to move on. I did what he wanted, taking him in my mouth as soon as I could. The beautiful moans that escaped his mouth were turning me on even more. I bobbed my head up and down for a few minutes, stimulated to go on by the sounds Logan made until it was too much for me too handle and I pulled off.

I hovered over him again and put two of my fingers at his lips; saliva would have to do since we didn't have anything better right now. He sucked on them eagerly, quickly making them as wet as he could so we could move on to the best part. When I deemed them wet enough I trailed them down to his entrance and connected our lips again, kissing him while preparing him. I didn't take as much time as I normally did, the need to be inside Logan too much.

I pulled my hand away and pushed into him, not missing the small whine he let out. I smiled apologetically and kissed him again, waiting with moving until he got used to the feeling. I started out slow, wanting to make this last, but Logan had different plans. He tugged on my hair hard and started rocking his hips with mine, quickening my pace.

I growled when I felt it, but gave him what he wanted, going harder and faster with each thrust. Logan came first, but the look of pure bliss was enough to bring me over the edge as well. I pulled out and fell down next to Logan, still panting. I reached out for him and pulled him in my arms, longing for some post-sex cuddling before I even thought of getting out of bed. He wrapped one of his arms around my waist and put his head on my chest. I put my arm around his shoulder and my other hand on his bump, on our baby.

After a few minutes Logan looked up at me, grimacing. "The hickey you gave me hurts."

"Aw. Sorry." I leaned in and gave him a kiss, then leaned in further and planted a kiss on the purple-ish mark on his neck. "Better now?"

He grinned. "Lots."

"Good." Logan put his head back on my chest and closed his eyes, humming happily when I started playing with his hair. "Kendall?" He asked after a few minutes had past.

"Hmm?"

"In one of the following weeks we get to if we're having a boy or a girl."

"Can't we let it be a surprise like the last two times?" I asked. "I liked that."

"Well, since I did med school, I know what I should see if the baby is a boy or a girl and I can't just not look for it. So I'm going to know anyway, but I can keep it a secret for you if you want?"

I thought about that for a while, but then realized it was going to be really hard for Logan if he had to keep that a secret. If we started searching for names, he would have to find a name for both genders while he already knew which one we were going to use. And if we painted the nursery, he would know what colors to pick; same went for baby clothes and toys and everything else babies needed. I would figure it out before the baby was born anyway. "Tell me when you know," I sighed. "I don't want to be the only one that's surprised when the baby is finally here."

"I'm sorry, Kendall, I can't help it," He apologized.

"I know, it's okay. It doesn't really matter anyway if I know now or later, it isn't going to change."

He smiled and kissed my cheek. "We could start searching for a name today if you want? I brought the book with names."

I grinned. "Of course you did. I bet you already picked out some, didn't you?"

He actually blushed and looked away from me. "Maybe."

"Aw, Logie. When did you do that?"

"Practically every moment you weren't with me."

I smiled and kissed the top of his head. "Go get that book, sweetie."

"Now?" He asked happily.

"Yes, unless you got something else planned?"

"No, well, nothing we can't do tomorrow." He crawled out of bed and skipped to the suitcase next to the dresser. I watched him search between his clothes for a minute and pulling out the familiar book of names we'd been using for a long time now. I remembered how it went with us to Hawaii and we laid on the beach searching for the right name for Kegan.

He came back and I sat up against the headboard, patting the spot next to me. But Logan bit his lip and shook his head, blushing when I raised my eyebrows at him. "I wanna sit between your legs," He muttered shyly. "We always sat like that when we were searching for baby names."

My heart melted and I automatically reached out to pull him closer, exactly in the position he wanted to sit in. Logan leaned back against my chest and smiled at me contently before opening the book at the boy names with a K. I noticed a few dots next to some of the names that hadn't been there the last time I opened the book. Probably the names Logan liked.

I took the book from him, looking at the pages over his shoulder. Kayden, Kasper, Kay, Kelvin, Kenneth, Kieran, Killian, Kody, Kristian, Kyan, Kyle. I liked Kayden and Kristian. Killian and Kyan less, but Logan liked those because the dots he put next to those names were bigger than the others. The other names were ones we'd considered for Kegan, but never really liked enough. "We got to make sure we pick a name that doesn't sound like Kegan or Keira too much."

"True." He grabbed a pen from the nightstand and put a cross by Kieran and Kyan. "And I don't like Kody anymore, it sounds like a dog name."

"When I hear the name Kelvin I think about a bold, middle aged man with a beard. That's not going to work either." Logan nodded and put a cross by that name as well.

The next ten minutes were spent scratching names from his list and adding some new ones, until we got two left. Sometimes I was so glad Logan was a guy like me, I was sure that if I'd done this with a woman -any woman- it would've taken much, much longer because she wouldn't have been able to take a decision. We just asked ourselves; would we ever give our child this name? If the answer was no, or maybe, we just scratched it off the list. We weren't going to pick a name unless we were both sure we liked it.

Finally we'd narrowed it down to Kayden and Killian, but I noticed Logan was... I don't know. He didn't seem happy with these choices, while he constantly assured me he liked both names and could picture us having a Kayden or Killian.

But then when we looked at the girls' names he picked out and narrowed it down to a few, he didn't look very happy again. While Kacey and Kaylee weren't bad names at all, he did just not seem to like them. And I didn't get it, because it were names he picked out. It was just too strange.

"Logie, why don't you like these names?" I asked him.

"I do like them. I love them!" He sighed and turned around, straddling me.

"Then why do you sound like you hate them?"

"I do love those names, Kendall, I really do." He didn't look at me when he whispered the last part. "It's just that I rather give baby another name."

"Then why didn't you tell me that?" I put my hand under his chin to make him look up at me.

"Because I don't know if you'll like it and I don't want you to hate me."

I chuckled. "Unless you want to name our baby 'Jett' I'm okay with everything."

He looked in my eyes for a minute, then put his arms around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his middle, a little confused still, but I was sure he would enlighten me quickly. "I want to name the baby after you."

I froze and tightened my grip on him, not really knowing how to react yet, but I did know that I didn't want him to move one inch away from me. Logan wanted to name our baby after me? Why? I didn't do anything special to deserve that. Besides, I already got Kegan named after me. Well, not just me, he was named after every member of BTR. Not that it changed anything about Logan wanting to name the baby after me.

But then I realized what he really said. He wanted to name our child after me. It was an honor, something I should be very happy with. And honestly? I was. Proud too. Logan wanted to name our baby Kendall. Wait, that was going to be confusing. We couldn't have two Kendall's in the house, I would go crazy not knowing if it was about me or my kid.

"Logan, we can't have two Kendall's in the house, you know how confusing that will be? Did you think of some kind of nickname? I don't want to have to respond every time you call 'Kendall!'"

Logan pulled his head off my shoulder to look me in the eye, his eyes twinkling. "So you're okay with this? You don't hate me?"

"I can't hate you, sweetie, I think that much has been cleared up over the past few years. And of course I'm okay with this! You want to name our baby after me! I've no idea why though, you have to explain that to me sometime, but I'm definitely more than okay with this, Logie."

He smiled widely and leaned in, giving me sweet kisses like only Logan could do. "Thank you," He whispered. "Thank you."

I ran my fingers over his cheek and kissed him a last time before pulling away. Logan was disappointed when I pulled him off my lap, but started grinning when he saw I just wanted to get the blankets from under us. "I'm cold. And I don't want you to get sick either."

"You can't get sick from being cold, Kendall," He told me. "You're just more vulnerable for viruses and bacteria."

"Even more reason to cuddle with me under this blanket. Now come here so Kendall won't get sick." He did, sliding his arms around my waist while I did the same with mine.

"You just called baby Kendall," He said happily.

"Gotta get used to it sometime," I said and shrugged, but I could see Logan liked it when I did that. I was going to do it more often. "Seriously, though, did you think of any other names we could give our baby? And I suppose you wanted to use Kendall for both genders?"

"Yes, it's a unisex name after all. And I like it for a girl as well. I've been thinking about calling a girl 'Kenzie'?"

I smiled, instantaneously having all kinds of dreams of a little girl with curls that looked like Logan and me. "Kenzie. I like that."

Logan beamed and leaned in to kiss me softly. "I couldn't think of anything for a boy though," He told me.

I shrugged. "Maybe we can just call him by his second name."

"Kendall Kayden," Logan said immediately.

I raised my eyebrows. "I thought you liked Killian better?"

"I liked all of those names, Kendall, I just liked Kendall most. Now I got that, so you get to pick the other name."

"Aw. Thank you." Logan grinned and kissed me again, his arms tightening around my neck. I moved with him, quickly moving on to get inside his mouth. He whined quietly as I pressed all sensitive spots inside his mouth and swung his leg over my waist, climbing on top of me. I moved my hands to his hips and kept them there, keeping him close against me.

"Got any ideas for a girls' second name?" He asked, stroking some of my hair off my forehead.

"I do, actually," I said, surprised about it myself. "You remember that movie Nanny McPhee? We watched it with the children a few weeks ago."

"Yeah, I do. Did you like one of the names of the children in that movie?"

"No. I liked the maid's name. Evangeline."

He started grinning. "It's beautiful."

"I know, right? So you cool with that?"

"Of course I am."

"Kendall Kayden or Kendall Evangeline. Aren't I lucky." Logan kissed me again, his hands sliding into my hair. "So why do you want to name our baby after me?" I asked him curiously.

He sighed and looked away from me. "Because it's your baby, Kendall," He whispered.

"You gotta tell me more, sweetie. I still have no idea."

"We got Kendall, because you took me back. You forgave me for leaving you. All I got at this point is because of you and I still feel like the biggest fuck up ever because I might have lost everything. And then you took me back just like that and I barely had to do anything for it and I want to do something so at least it will feel like I made up for it. Then I was pregnant and I could give you another child; my perfect chance to make it up to you."

He still wasn't looking at me and I couldn't take it, so I cupped his face in my hand and pulled him to me. "You don't have to do this for me, sweetie," I said softly. "You made it up to me plenty; you follow all my rules, you eat again, you're home more than three hours a week. And you gave up on being a doctor, you definitely made it up to me."

"No, I didn't. I'm a doctor now, aren't I? You let me finish my study."

"Exactly. I told you to do it, you wanted to quit, but I told you to do it."

"Will you stop making excuses for me? I didn't do anything to make it up to you and I feel like an ass."

I sighed. "Logie, you don't have to make it up to me. I love you, I want to be with you and you don't have to feel like that, because I'm not ever letting you go again. Just don't do anything like that again and you're good."

"I can't understand that," He whispered. "How can you just forgive me like that?"

"I need you, Logan. I want everything to be normal again. That's not going to work if I keep holding a grudge. And that's why I forgave you."

He nodded timidly and put his head back on my shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too, Logie."

"Can we still call baby Kendall?"

"If that's what you want."

"Is it what you want?" He asked hesitantly.

"Of course it is what I want, I get my child named after me. That's amazing. Thank you, by the way."

He smiled again and I decided we weren't going to talk about anything serious the coming days. I liked his smile to much to see it disappear. "So you got nothing planned for today, right?"

"We could go walk around the city if you want? Other things will have to wait."

"No, I would like to go out for a while, look around a bit and eat something since we didn't have lunch yet."

"Will you walk around naked? I like you when you're naked."

I laughed and pressed a kiss to his temple. "Will you walk around the city naked with me?"

"I guess that's a no," He sighed sadly. "Can we at least shower together before we leave? I'm still sticky from earlier."

"You sound like you think it's weird I don't want to go out naked," I said amused as I sat up and got out of bed. I reached out, wanting to pick him up, but decided against it on the last moment and grabbed his hands, pulling him out of bed. My back still hurt and I didn't want to make it worse. I hated it I could even carry my Logie around, this had to change soon.

* * *

><p>We'd gone out for lunch and then walked around a bit, getting ice cream and buying a blue and pink t-shirt with a dolphin on them for Keira and Kegan. After that we'd gone back to the hotel and ate tomato soup, though I didn't really like and gave it to Logan, who needed more food than I did anyway.<p>

After that we'd gone back to our room, Logan instantly pulled me back to the bed and pushed me down on it, snuggling in my lap the moment he could. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the side of his head. He turned his head up, his lips brushing over mine softly. I slipped my hand under his shirt on his hip and pulled him closer as I deepened our kiss, working my tongue into his mouth.

Logan put his arm around my neck and pulled me with him as he lied down, his other arm coming around my neck too. This wasn't a kiss that was supposed to lead to something, it was something we did to make sure we still loved each other. That neither of us lost that magnificent feeling for the other person. I needed it to know Logan still wanted to be with me.

We kissed slowly, not at all in a hurry to have this come to an end already. Logan clung to me tightly and I held him close by my arms around his middle, his smaller body cradled closely to mine. "I love you," He whispered. "So much, Kendall."

I smiled against his lips and gave him another kiss. "I love you more."

"That's impossible," He muttered, his lips brushing against mine while he spoke.. "Just impossible."

"Hmm, how do you know?" I pulled away for a moment to roll onto my side, pulling Logan with me so we were lying chest to chest.

He didn't answer me, well, not with words. He simply started kissing me again, soft, gentle, sweet. I lost myself in it, kissing Logan back eagerly, holding him tight against me, his fingers tugging on my hair every time he felt that spark jumping between our lips. That was all until my phone started ringing.

"Leave it," Logan whispered when I wanted to reach out for it. "They'll call back if it's important. I need you right now."

I smiled at him and cupped his cheek in my hand, running my thumb over the soft skin of his face. "Okay, baby." Logan smiled too and connected our lips again, ignoring the ringing cell phone completely. I had a hard time ignoring it, especially when after the first time, it started a second time, and then a third time. By the fourth time I knew I couldn't leave it anymore. What if it was Katie telling something happened with Keira or Kegan or both of them?

I pulled away and looked at my lover apologetically. "I'm sorry, sweetie." He pouted, but didn't protest, probably realizing it was important as well when someone called me four times. I rolled away from Logan to grab my phone from the nightstand and sat up against the headboard. It was James calling me and I frowned; what was so important that he had to tell me right now?

"Hi, James," I said when I picked up.

"Are you alone? Answer with yes or no." He asked quickly.

"No, I'm not," I said uncertainly, looking down at Logan who had laid his head in my lap and had his hands folded over his bump.

"Okay, than be cryptic when you answer me. I got more pictures from the stalker."

I tensed up, Logan noticed and looked up at me worriedly. I relaxed quickly and smiled at him, hoping to show him nothing was wrong. "When?"

"Thirty minutes ago. They came for me by mail at my mother's house where we're staying. There are no pictures of Keira and Kegan this time, just Lizzy. But the thing is that they know where we are."

"You remembered the last time we talked about this, right? Our agreement? You have to tell him now."

"I know, I know. I'm going to. And I'll call the police, telling them what happened. I hate this."

"Well, you got to. I'll tell Logan too." God, I hated it I was going to end our amazing day together by telling Logan someone was taking picture of our children. He isn't going to like that. "If you want this to be over, the last thing you should do is do nothing. Now go fix this. For Lizzy."

"Yes. Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

"What do you have to tell me?" He asked curiously.

"Something I should've told you weeks ago, but James asked me not too."

Logan frowned and sat up. "Something serious?"

I nodded. "Don't freak out, okay? Nothing bad has happened yet and James is going to the police right now to take care of it."

Logan's face got pale when I said the word police. It was that serious. "The police? Kendall, tell me what's going on."

I took a deep breath. "On Keira's birthday James told me he got pictures. Pictures of Lizzy in all kinds of situations, when she got of school, in a park with Carlos and James. He didn't take them himself, so someone had been stalking him."

"No," Logan whispered.

I went on, knowing Logan was going to like this part even less. I loved Lizzy, but when your own children were involved it was just way worse. "There were also a few of Keira and Kegan. And one of you and me coming out of the hospital after an appointment with dr. Young; there was a circle drawn around your stomach."

He stared at me, eyes growing wide with fear. "They're okay, Logie," I said quickly. "I called Katie this morning and asked her to watch them extra closely. She won't let anything happen to them."

He nodded, calming down somewhat. He knew we could trust Katie with this, she loved her niece and nephew; they were safe with her and Dak. And behind the big fence they had around their house to keep fans and possible stalkers away. But now he wasn't scared anymore, he turned angry. "God, I can't believe you guys didn't tell me!"

"I wanted to, Logan. James wanted me to keep this from you."

"So? He doesn't get to decide if you tell me something or not! They're my children too!"

I know that! But you're pregnant and-"

"Oh! So that's it! I'm pregnant so you won't tell me? Because you're so scared I'll get too stressed out and something will go wrong? That's a fucking bullshit, Kendall! They're my children, I have right to know!"

"It wouldn't be the first time you got worked up and almost lost our child, wouldn't it?" I said sarcastically.

He stared at me again, hurt swimming in his eyes. "That's so low. It wasn't my fault Kegan was born so early." Logan turned away from me and sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the floor.

Guilt quickly took over when I realized what I'd said and I crawled closer to him, sliding my arms around his waist from behind. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," I whispered in his ear. "I know it wasn't your fault, I have no idea where that came from. You're completely right, I should've just told you when James told me about the pictures."

He nodded and leaned back in my embrace. "Yeah, you should have." Logan sighed. "I'm scared, Kendall."

"I know, sweetie. Me too. But it's gonna be alright, I'll make sure of it."

He nodded slowly. "You think it's too late to call Katie and ask if we could talk to them for a while?"

"It's eight, we'll catch them right before bedtime." I gave him my cell phone which I was still holding and watched him dial the number and put it on speaker.

"Hey, big brother," Katie said when she answered the phone.

"Hey, baby sister. Logan and me here."

"Wanna talk to your children?"

"Yes, please," Logan said.

"Alright, give me a minute, I have to go upstairs. Dak put them in bath and everything, he's reading them a story right now. He's been doing good so far."

"That's great, Katie. So he isn't completely worthless?"

"No, he's been taking good care of me. Does the laundry and cleans the house for me since I can't lift heavy stuff anymore. And now he turns out to have parental qualities as well. I forbid him to ever cook though, he's horrible at it."

We laughed and Katie chuckled softly. "So it's just two months left for you, huh?" I asked, reaching down to rub Logan's belly. "Got everything ready?"

"Pretty much. I'm having a baby shower soon, hope that I get the last stuff then. You should come and bring me lots and lots of baby presents!"

"We'll be there, Katie," Logan said smiling.

"Great. Okay, wait a sec." We heard her talking while we waited, though we couldn't hear what was said. "Here they come," She told us eventually. "Bye, guys!"

The next moment a chores of 'papa!' and 'daddy!' sounded, making both of us smile. "Hey, babies!" Logan said happily. "How are you doing?"

"Good! We felt the baby move today, he kicks auntie Katie really hard!" Keira said enthusiastically. "Is our baby going to kick you too, daddy?"

"Yes, Keke. Soon."

"But if he hurts daddy I'm going to kick the baby back!" Kegan said angrily.

I chuckled. "That's not necessary, Kegie. If he kicks daddy I'll ground him for a year." Baby Kendall wouldn't notice if he was grounded in his first year of life, but Kegan responded with a satisfied giggle.

"Daddy, we made cookies today!" Kegan cried. "And Keira made one for you and papa!"

"I wanted to tell that!" Keira whined.

"It's okay, Keke. What do they look like?" I asked her.

Next was a very detailed and confusing description of various cupcake designs. But I wasn't really paying attention. The pain in my back had come back in a flash and it wasn't really helping Logan was leaning against my chest, putting even more pressure on my back. When I tried shifting a little and easing the pain, the content of my stomach started rising to my mouth.

I clasped my hand over my mouth and crawled from underneath Logan, causing him to fall back on the bed while I sprinted to the bathroom, desperately hoping I would reach the toilet in time. Thank god I did. I threw up and it was absolutely awful, the disgusting taste in my mouth, the raw feeling in my throat from things going the other way.

I had no idea how long I sat there, just that somewhere around the end Logan was there, falling down next to me. "Kendall, are you okay?"

No. No, I wasn't okay. I was far from okay. My back was killing me, the pain having spread to my sides as well. A terrible sting that felt like someone was stabbing me in the back. I'd stopped vomiting and started coughing. My head was spinning and the floor seemed to disappear from under my knees. I grabbed tightly onto the toilet seat as not to fall down, but it didn't feel like it was working at all, I was falling. I heard Logan talking to me, but his voice was faint and far away. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't find my voice. Something different than vomit was coming out of my mouth, with eyes that didn't seem to be mine, I looked into the toilet, watching how something red was joining my barf. Blood.

"Kendall? Kendall!" Logan said more things, but I couldn't make out anymore. The pain in my back was overwhelming, too much for me to handle. Too much... too much...

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah… Something just had to go wrong…<strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**No one is going to like this. Both because it's sad and my writing is horrible. Hope you enjoy anyway! :D**

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><p>It was all vague. I remembered Logan's voice, but there were others too. I knew that I felt like crap, but I also knew that Logan was there, going after me and I knew I would be fine. Hopefully.<p>

There were other persons. Then I was lying on something hard, though it was better than the bathroom floor. What was I doing on a bathroom floor anyway? There noise, loud, loud noise that should've been annoying, but was really pleasant at the moment. And Logan, there was also Logan. Then light, it hurt my eyes, just like the short stab in my arm hurt. Suddenly I was lifted up and I wanted to smile, it was like lying on an air mattress on the ocean and then a wave would come and lift you up for a second. Yeah, that's what it was like. But waves bring you down gently, now I was just thrown on another flat surface, though it wasn't as hard as the first.

Light again, this time an annoying little beam that moved from my left eye to my right and back again. Then a voice, "Mr. Knight? Can you hear me? Mr. Knight?" Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was really said to me, I could very well have been imagining it, so I decided not to answer. I wasn't really sure if my voice was working right now anyway. The same voice started shouting some orders, 'Blood', 'Unconscious', 'Get me...' some more things Logan would probably understand. Where was he anyway? He was right there just a moment ago. Strange.

The next thing I noticed was some kind of heat moving quickly up my body. It hurt. I wanted it to stop and surprisingly, some kind of numbness took over my body right before the heat got too much. This numb feeling made me sleepy too. It didn't sound so bad at all, sleeping. Maybe I should give into it and take a little nap. Logan was gone now anyway, time would go quicker when I was asleep. Yes. Sleep was a very good idea. Then everything went black.

* * *

><p>I dreamt about dying. I died from a heart attack and left Logan here all alone with three children to look after, one of them just a baby and not even born yet. It was awful, definitely one of the worst nightmares I ever had, right behind the ones I had of Logan dying a horrible dead. I was going to make sure it would never happen.<p>

Pretty stupid that I didn't tell him about the pain in my back then.

I shouldn't worry about that anymore now, it was done and right now, I should respond to that soft voice talking to me, calling me back to consciousness, inviting me with those sweet words of love and hope, seducing me to answer him. Logan. He was holding my hand too, gripping it tightly between both of his and stroking with his thumb over my skin, sweetly, hopefully.

I was in this weird state where I was partly conscious and partly unconscious, understanding what was going on in the real world, but at the same time not. I heard voices, knew when was spoken to me, but I couldn't make out what they were saying -most of the time. But I wanted to wake up right now and tell Logan he didn't have to worry anymore, though I had no idea what he was worrying about. I just knew he was worried.

As I got closer and closer to my goal -waking up- more questions came up in my mind. Where was I? Why wasn't in the hotel? What happened today? Why did I feel like crap? Why was Logan clamping on my hand so desperately and not sleeping peacefully with his head resting on my chest?

I remembered going out today. We'd gone to San Diego for our anniversary, Logan wanted to take me to Sea World, a place I'd been wanting to go to since I was a kid. We had spent today in bed though, found names for ML3; Kendall. Then went out, got ice cream, ate... No wait, I didn't eat. Maybe that was why I was so hungry right now. Then we went back to the hotel room, James called, something about some pictures... Right. The stalker. I'd told Logan about that, he was scared and mad, but not for too long. We'd called our children, talked to them a bit and then...

I got sick. I didn't know why though. Pain in your back didn't cause you to puke and cough up blood. That just didn't make sense. And why did I faint? I was at a hospital, I realized now. Of course I was. That was something that did make sense. You get sick, you go to the hospital. It was simple like that. Although, I didn't feel really sick now... Maybe I got painkillers. Better painkillers that actually worked to suppress my back pain.

I groaned and immediately felt Logan's hands squeezing mine harder, as if he thought I would fly away or something the next time I groaned. "Kendall?" He asked timidly.

"Uh," I muttered, a strange form of the word 'yes', but oh well... I brought my free hand up to rub my eyes, noticing something strange was done with it. It didn't really hurt, but there was something in my hand. Interesting. I opened my eyes a little and noticed it was quite dark in the room, so I opened them wider and saw what was connected to my hand; a tube. Following the tube with my eyes, I saw it was leading to an IV-bag with some clear liquid in it.

"It's just a simple solution with glucose or salt," Logan said softly, tugging on my hand to get my attention.

I turned my head to look at him, meeting his large, round eyes, filled with concern and fear and insecurity. And tears. "Logie," I whispered when I figured out how helpless he was feeling. "I'm fine, see?" I waved my arms and sat up a little to show him I was really doing okay. I scooted a little to the side and patted the spot that came free. "C'mere, sweetie."

He got out of his chair and sat on the edge of my bed, still holding my hand in his. I pulled it free and moved it up to cup his face and make him look at me again. "Do you know what happened?"

I saw him swallowing and he nodded, his eyes growing sad. "They had to pump out your stomach, because you'd taken way too much pain killers. Why did you do that, Kendall? You could've told me if you weren't feeling well."

I bit my lip and looked away, feeling guilty again. He was right, I should've told him. I did exactly those things I didn't want Logan to do, but before I could start to apologize and beg him to forgive me, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hid his face in the crook of my neck. "I'm just glad you're alright," He whispered in my ear and gripped onto me tightly. "Don't do this again, okay?"

"I'll try, baby," I whispered back and kissed his cheek, wrapping my own arms around his waist. "I'll try."

Logan didn't let go of me for a while, he gripped my shirt tightly and kept his face in the crook of my neck. I didn't mind at all, he needed this and I wanted to be there for him. Always. So no dying anytime soon. When eventually pulled away he stayed close, one of his hands staying on my chest and staying near enough so I could keep my arms around his waist. "Why did you take all those pills?" He asked quietly.

"I didn't even realize it were that many," I told him. "Uhm, I've been having these back pains. Remember when we fell off that chair a few months ago?" He nodded worriedly. "I think it did a little more damage than I originally thought, because it's been getting worse and worse over the past few months and I couldn't take it anymore without any medications. But I never meant to take it this far."

"You should let that get checked out now that you're here anyway. They've already taken some blood when you were unconscious."

"What time is it?"

"Around 2 in the morning, I think."

"You should be sleeping," I said strictly. "Not good for baby Kendall if you don't sleep."

"Like you would've been able to sleep if I was the one lying in that hospital bed right now."

"Touché."

He smiled a tiny bit and squeezed my hand. "I have to call everyone," He said reluctantly. "I called Katie and your mother and James, told them what happened."

I grimaced. I didn't like it when everyone worried about me. I was fine, or right now I was. "How did they react?"

"Surprised, worried. They all wanted me to call them when you woke up so they know you're okay. Katie said Keira and Kegan could stay with her as long as needed. Your mother wanted to come out here, but I told her that was unnecessary."

I nodded slowly. "So when can I go?"

"I don't know yet, probably in the morning to make sure all those pills you took aren't going to affect any other part of your body. But I suggest we stay and get that back pain of yours checked out so you can get real medication instead of those from the drug store."

"I'll do that, sweetie. So after they checked that out, can we go do what you planned for us?"

Logan smiled a little. "Maybe. Depends on how long it will take for them to test your blood."

"I hope they're quick. I don't want to ruin our weekend together, Logie."

"I know, you didn't ruin it. What would really have ruined our weekend was not waking up or having a really serious disease, but then it wouldn't be your fault." He leaned in, kissing me softly. "I'm going to call them now. Stay here."

"Like I can or want to be anywhere else." He chuckled and gave me another kiss before sliding off the bed and walking out of the room.

I watched him talk through the window in my room and suddenly remembered something he said about two months ago, when we were sitting my car driving towards the garden center. He'd said he was glad it was him who constantly seemed to end up in the hospital, that I didn't know what to do if he would ever be in this situation; a situation where I was the one being driving away in an ambulance, not knowing what was wrong with me.

He seemed to handle it pretty well, not hysterical or in tears or anxious at all. Maybe it would come later, when we were alone and he wouldn't hold back anymore. Or maybe he could handle this surprisingly well and I didn't have to worry about it.

He came back into the room and sat in the same spot as before, right next to me on the bed. "They're glad you're okay, and James apologized to me about telling you not to tell me about those pictures. They're at the police station right now, Carlos is pissed at James."

"I can see that happening."

He gave a small smile and grabbed my hand again, lacing our fingers. "Are you okay?" I asked softly.

"I'm fine," He answered quietly.

I nodded. He would tell me eventually when he wasn't fine, I just had to wait and then he'd tell when he was ready. "Can you tell me what might be wrong with my back?"

Logan nodded, the slightly disorientated look on his face disappearing now he could fall back in his role of being a doctor. "You could've overburdened your muscles, sometimes it happens when you bend over a lot while doing hard work –like your gardening. In that case you have to go to a physiotherapist and do some exercises and you'll probably be fine."

"But I'm in the garden for maybe an hour a week, I highly doubt I'm hurting from that."

"You used to work in the garden a lot more, when I was… you know. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for muscles to realize they are being overused."

I nodded. "Are there different scenario's?" I put my other hand on his back and rubbed little circles with my thumb.

"Something could be wrong inside your body, with your kidneys or lungs. Or maybe you have an infection in your appendix, people that have that almost always experience pain in their sides or stomach, but there are people that say they had pain in their back. It's possible."

"And what are the changes that's what's going on?"

"I don't know, not so big. Right now I'm going with my first theory."

"Okay." I trusted Logan. He was a genius, he would know what was wrong with me. I looked up when I saw a man coming into the room, he was wearing a white coat and was holding some papers.

"Ah, Mr. Knight, I see you've woken up," He said, a smile on his face. And that was when I noticed he had a very James-like appearance. In other words; gorgeous. I wasn't ever going to say that out loud though. James was already arrogant enough.

"Yeah, obviously," I said and tightened my hold on Logan's hand when I noticed the doctor now had his eyes on Logan. The guy was looking at him way too appreciatively.

"I'm doctor Lee," He said rather coldly. "And I'm here to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine, thank you." I noticed Logan was biting his lip, his cheeks red. No way. He couldn't be flattered by the attention of this other hot, young doctor. Over my dead body.

"So we pumped all those medicine out of your stomach, why did you take all those if I may ask?"

"I heard, my husband told me what happened while I was out," I said it casually, but I made sure to put the word 'husband' in there. "I've been having this pain in my back and I took them to keep the pain at bay, but I guess I wasn't really counting how much I'd already taken and then I was suddenly puking my guts out and fainted."

"Back pain?" He asked curiously. "Something serious?"

"I wouldn't know until someone looked at it, now would I?"

I smiled kindly when I saw I was majorly annoying him. Good. No one hit on my Logie. Definitely not in my presence, when he was pregnant with my baby. Oh. Another great way to show him I had my claim all over Logan. But when I tried to turn my hand and put it on Logan's baby bump, I felt a set of nails piercing my skin and I had to bite my lip to keep back my yelp in pain.

"We talked about it and we're going to a general practitioner in the morning to get it checked out, I suppose he has to stay here for the night?"

"Yes, that is probably the best thing. I want to know if the medicine didn't affect any other part of his body. Do you need a place to sleep, because there is an empty room near the employee room."

"No. No, thank you," I said coldly. "He'll be fine with me here."

"Alright, just trying to help, buddy." He sounded all nice and friendly, but I saw the glare in his eyes. Though the stroking of Logan's thumb over the back of my hand was calming me down somewhat. "I'm afraid the results of your blood test are going to take a little longer, probably until the evening. It's busy at the moment. Maybe you could leave in the morning to the practitioner and then come back later for the results."

"That's okay, we got time to go do stuff and our flight doesn't leave until Sunday evening. Thank you, dr. Lee," Logan said quickly, before I could snap at him that it were probably just my results that had to wait until tonight.

Dr. Lee send him another dazzling smile and then left, without even looking at me another time. Good. As soon as the door closed, Logan started laughing. "Oh, my god, Kendall. I can't believe you're jealous of that doctor."

"He was hitting on you! No one shouldn't even try to look at you that way or I'll kill them."

"Aw." He leaned in and put his head on my chest. "It's like we're sixteen again and you're constantly making sure James doesn't come too close to me while he was obviously too in love with Carlos to even glance at me, but you were oblivious to that and still made sure to have your arm around my waist possessively whenever he was near us."

I sighed. "Good times."

He slapped my chest lightly, but chuckled anyway. "Seriously though, you know you don't have to worry about me leaving you for someone better, right? Because there's no one better than you anyway."

I smiled and stroked his hair. "My sweetie," I whispered. "I love you." My smile grew when I saw a light blush covering his cheeks. Logan pulled his legs onto the bed and snuggled deeper into my side, while I made sure he was covered with the blanket as well. He looked up to me when we were both settled, tiredness taking over his body as he yawned and his eyes closed for a second. "Sleep, Logie."

He shook his head stubbornly and moved up a little pressing a little kiss to my lips. I kissed him back gently, then guided his head back to my chest and lightly ran my fingers over his eyelids to close them. "Kendall?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you're okay," He whispered and tightened his hold on me.

"Me too, Logie. Me too."

* * *

><p>When I woke up the following morning Logan was still sleeping deeply next to me in bed. He was lying with his back pressed in my side, hugging my arm to his body tightly. I smiled and turned onto my side, wanting to wrap him in both my arms and fall back asleep again, but when I wanted to put my arm around his waist I realized I still had that IV bag connected to my hand and I couldn't put it around Logan's body without pulling it out.<p>

I groaned and rolled back on my back, hating it I couldn't even hold my own little Logie close. It sucked. Instead of that I started stroking little circles on his belly with the arm he was holding to his chest. He reacted cutely by snuggling into my arm and sighing softly. I continued to do that since he was liking it so much and closed my eyes again, maybe I could sleep some more.

But no. I needed to go to the bathroom. And that was going to give problems. First one was that Logan was still sleeping peacefully in my arms and I didn't want to wake him up. Second, if I did manage to get out of bed without waking him, I was still hooked up to the IV-bag and I didn't know what would happen if I just pulled it out of my hand.

I sighed, I was gonna need Logan to help me. "Logie, wake up," I said softly and started pulling my arm back.

He groaned and shifted a bit, only to almost fall off the bed and quickly open his eyes, immediately wide awake. "Hey," He said and rubbed his eyes.

I smiled and kissed his forehead. "You got to help me with something."

"What is it?"

"I need to go to the bathroom, but I'm still hooked up to that medicine bag."

"Right," He said. He crawled out of bed and stretched his back, then turned to the head of my bed. I raised my eyebrows questionably. Logan grabbed the pole the IV bag was hanging on and took it down, then pulled a standard on wheels from under the bed and stuck the pole in it. "Can you get up, you think?"

"Yeah," I said and sat up, only feeling a little pressure on my back. I slid out of bed and even while standing it didn't hurt that much. "Okay. Whatever it they're giving me, it works."

Logan smiled and sat on the bed. "Go do your business, but make it quick. I'm not done sleeping yet."

I chuckled and grabbed the pole, pulling it along with me to the bathroom. I didn't lock the door, assuming no one would follow me in here. I pulled the horrible hospital gown up and pushed my boxers down, then went on doing my business while looking around the white, simple bathroom.

Until something red caught my eye.

Looking down into the toilet, I saw blood. And that was when I knew something was seriously wrong with me.

I had no idea how long I was standing there, froze in place, internally freaking out. All kinds of doom scenario's went through my head, creepy illnesses I saw in documentaries on TV, situation that only Dr. House could solve -too bad he was just an actor in a TV series. "Logan!" I called, realizing that this time, there was no way I could handle this on my own.

He came into the bathroom, the smile he had on his face immediately disappeared when he spotted the red fluid. Logan's face got pale, his eyes grew in fear. "No," He whispered.

He met my eyes and I saw my fear reflected in his brown eyes. Neither of us said anything, but after a minute of just staring at each other, Logan ran up to me and hid his face in my chest. He clamped tightly onto my torso, I felt him trembling and instinctively put my own arms around him, wanting to sooth and calm him down.

But I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell him it was going to be alright, because I didn't know that. I had no idea what was wrong with me, what I should do to make this better. I only knew that something was seriously not good inside of me. "Logan, what do I do now?" I asked him whispering. It was the first time ever we both had no idea what to do to fix this. Although, maybe Logan had an idea, but I didn't think he was able to think clearly at this moment.

He looked up at me, his bottom lip trembling, but then he seemed to straighten up and push away his feelings. Logan stepped away from me. "Go sit on the bed," He said softly. "I'm going to get a doctor."

I nodded, letting my arms fall next to my side when he walked away from me, but then I realized I didn't want him to go yet. "Logie, wait."

Logan turned around and I stepped closer to him, sliding my arms around his waist before leaning in and kissing him softly. "It'll be okay," I mumbled against his lips. Even though I wasn't sure, I wanted him to believe that. To trust that we could work through this.

But he just shook his head and started walking away from me again, leaving the room. It felt like he was mad at me and I didn't like it at all. I didn't want him to be mad at me for whatever reason, maybe he was mad at me because I didn't tell him earlier what was going on with me. And then he had every right to be mad at me.

I went back to my bed, closing my eyes when my head hit the pillow. I was terrified. I just peed blood! I needed Logan to stay calm and when he was mad at me he wouldn't want to be near me, but I needed him near me. I needed him now. Especially now.

I was sure it had only been a minute when the door opened again and Logan and Dr. Asshole came in. To my surprise Logan immediately got up to me and gripped my hand tightly. "So it looks like you're going to be here for a little longer," Dr. Lee said, but behind the sneer, I heard sympathy in his voice. "You peed blood, your husband told me?"

I nodded, unsure of what else to tell him, but apparently that was enough, because the doctor started explaining things while he pulled drawers open pulled some things out. "Blood in the urine is a clear sign your kidneys are failing or there's something wrong with your bladder, but together with the back pain you were talking about last night I'm leaning towards kidneys right now."

"That's not good, right?"

"Not really, no." He came back to my bed, holding a syringe. "We got to examine you further, and then I mean inside your body. In this shot is stuff that will harden the cells in your kidneys temporarily, so we can see them on an ultrasound. Do I have your permission for the procedure?"

"Yes," I said, of course I wanted to be cured.

"Good. Make a fist, please." I did and the doctor pushed the needle into my skin, letting the fluid pour into my veins. "Have you noticed any odd things in your behavior besides the back pain? Did you ever have blood in your urine before? Tiredness? Loss of weight?"

I started shaking my head, but Logan interrupted. "He lost weight, you haven't been eating very well lately."

I bit my lip, realizing that was right. I hadn't noticed though, I seriously thought it was because of the heat. I always ate less and drank more when it was hot, but I had to admit I never ate less than I'd done the last few months.

"Anything else?"

"I don't think so," I said hesitantly. I turned to Logan, knowing that he noticed more things than I did to begin with.

"Sweating," He said thoughtfully. "You constantly said it was so hot during the heat wave and at night the bed was practically soaked, but I had nothing and it wasn't even the hottest heat wave we've had. And you've had it after that a few times too."

Dr. Lee frowned and scribbled something on his paper. "Alright. We already took some blood from you last night to see if the medicine you took did any more damage, but I'll make sure it gets tested for any kidney or bladder diseases. We might need some more of your blood, though."

"That's okay. I got plenty," I joked, but neither of the doctors thought it was very funny.

"I would like to get your urine tested too, I'll get you a cup later. Can you sit up, please."

I did what he said and once again felt the light pain returning. It wasn't as bad as before, but it was not very pleasant either. Dr. Lee pulled at the cords on my back that held the hospital gown together, making it slide off my back. Next his hand was on my back, feeling around carefully and pushing down sometimes. And then it hurt. "Ow!" I shouted.

He pulled his hand away. "There's some swelling where you're kidney is. Probably fluid." He went to the sink to wash his hands and then turned back to me. "Alright, I'll go see what I can do to speed those tests up. And I'll get you for the ultrasound later. Also, you'll probably be moved to a room upstairs, to another section of the hospital since this is still the ER and they need the beds." He nodded to us and then left.

I turned to Logan, but before I could say anything he already had his hand on my back, feeling around gently like the doctor had done, but his pushes were softer; less painful. After a minute he pulled his hand back, obviously he had found what he'd been looking for. I lay back down and looked at him, only to be met with the side of his head, his eyes fixed on the floor. "Are you mad at me?" I asked quietly.

"You should've told me about this earlier," He muttered. "You're always telling me to tell you when something's wrong, but then you have to do that too."

"I know. I just… didn't want to worry you, because-"

"Because I'm pregnant? You have to stop using that excuse. Just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean you have the right to keep information like that back. That would be the same as me not telling you things because you're blonde."

I nodded, knowing he was right and I hadn't been treating him right.

"Just talk to me, okay? I'm not a kid, I want to know when something is wrong too, because it'll come as even more of a shock when I have to learn it this way."

He sighed and came closer, sitting down next to me on the bed. Pulling his legs up as well, he turned on his side and rested his head on my chest. "I'm not mad though," He whispered, pulling at the blanket so it was covering both of us again. "I'm scared."

I turned my head and nuzzled his hair, pressing a kiss to his hair. "Me too, sweetie. But we'll work through it, okay?"

"But what if you are really sick and I have to do it alone?" He whispered, only now revealing to me how deeply afraid he was.

"You'll never be alone, baby. There's always James and Carlos, and mom, and Katie and Dak. And even Bitters or Kelly or Gustavo would help you if they had too. Let alone all the other friends we have. But you won't be alone, because I'm not going anywhere for a long, long time. Not now, not ever."

"Promise?" He asked timidly.

"I promise, Logie. Don't worry about it, I'll make sure everything will be fine." If I just had an idea how to do that. Some super medicine that would cure this so I could stay with my baby until we were both old and grey haired.

I ran my fingers through his short, soft locks, until I felt him relaxing and put my other hand on his stomach, wanting him to feel completely comfortable and relaxed so he wouldn't think about what was wrong with me. Dr. Lee would go figure that out and in the meantime we could catch up on some much needed sleep. Logan fell asleep first, having been up all night to see if I was okay. I didn't follow long after him, my sleep restless and light, dreaming once again about dying and leaving Logan here alone. I wasn't going to ever let that happen.

* * *

><p>We didn't sleep long. About 45 minutes after the doctor left, some nurses came into the room and announced they were going to move to a bed upstairs. I had to stay in the bed and they pushed me through the hallways and in the elevator, then through more hallways and into a room where another guy was watching TV in his bed. He glared at me when I came in, he was probably mad he didn't have the room for himself anymore.<p>

Logan came in too, he'd been following my bed while he was still half asleep and instantly walked up to me again. He closed the curtains around the bed and then laid down next to me again. He went back to sleep right away. I watched him for a while, feeling at peace with his body pressed in my side.

I didn't want to sleep anymore. I just wanted to watch him. So calm, peaceful and happy as he looked right now, I wanted him to be like that always. I was clearly sick, but I was going to do everything I could to get better and see him be completely carefree again. Logan had to be happy at all times and all costs. He was my love, my life.

I kissed his forehead and held him tightly against me. I wasn't going to let him be alone. I was going to stay with him and take care of him and make sure he had everything he wanted to have. And this sickness I had wasn't going to stop me from doing that. I could get better, and I was going to. For Logan.

"Mr. Knight? Can I push the curtain aside?"

"Wait a sec," I said back and gently nudged Logan so he would wake up. "C'mon, baby. The doctor is here."

He nodded and slid off the bed, sinking into the chair next to the bed. "Okay," I said, telling Dr. Lee it was okay to push the curtains aside.

He did that and came closer to the bed. Now I noticed he had another doctor with him, a woman. "Mr. Knight, this is Dr. King, she's going to be your doctor from now on, I have to go back to the ER. Good luck."

He left and the other doctor came closer. "Dr. Lee told me you came in with too much medicine in your body, but had blood in your urine this morning that has nothing to do with the first problem?"

"Not directly, I think. I took those pills to get rid of the pain in my back, but they think the blood is related to my back pain." The doctor probably knew that already, but it felt good she let me explain things myself.

"Yes. That's why I'm here. I know Dr. Lee already did this, but could you please sit up for me so I could feel your back?"

I nodded and let a doctor probe my back for the third time that morning, then laid back down. "Alright, in about ten minutes we're going to take a look inside your stomach, see what's going on in there. Hopefully, that and your blood test will be enough for us to figure out what's wrong with you, if not, you'll have to be scheduled for a MRI-scan so we can have a better look, but that could take a day or two."

"Okay, but we don't live here. Tomorrow evening we fly back to Los Angeles."

"That's not a problem, I can make a call and ask for a MRI there and another doctor will take over your case."

I nodded. "So what are we going to see on that ultrasound thing?"

"Hopefully, a oncocytoma, but the changes of that are small. I'm currently thinking about renal cell carinoma."

I looked at Logan, not sure what the doctor just said, but the look on his face was enough for me to know it wasn't good. Not at all. "I have to go check up on another patient, but I'll be back in a few minutes to do the ultrasound."

I waited until she was out of the room before turning to Logan. "What did she just say?"

He bit his lip and stared ahead of him. "A oncocytoma a is a 'good' tumor. It means it won't spread to your body and doesn't do any damage; it just is there."

"But if it doesn't do anything, then why did I pee blood?"

"That's why she's tending towards the other option renal cell carinoma."

I waited a minute, but apparently he wasn't going to tell me what it was out of himself. "I have no idea what that is, Logie."

"Cancer, Kendall," He whispered.

I stared at him, unsure of how to react now. Cancer was something bad, but I never really thought about having it myself. It was always something other people had, an illness that sounded surreal. I didn't want to have cancer, but this wasn't anything I could control. Hopefully, this wasn't cancer. Hopefully.

Logan's head was hanging, his eyes downcast in his lap. "Logie, c'mere, baby," I said softly.

He did what I said, immediately climbing on the bed next to me. "Maybe it's not cancer," I mumbled as I wrapped him up in my arms, "There are probably a million other kidney diseases."

"None of them are good," Logan whispered and pressed his face in the crook of my neck.

"We'll work through it, okay? Remember what I said earlier?"

He nodded quietly, but grabbed my shirt in his fist. "Not alone."

"Exactly. I'm going to be fine and we'll start preparations for our baby together and we'll live happily ever after. Then-"

"God! I'm being tortured enough already! Why do I have to be rooming with a gross homo too! Can't you at least close the fucking curtain?"

I was about to yell at the guy to shut the fuck up, but Logan got up before I could do anything and closed the curtain around the bed again before coming back to me. "Don't fight right now," He whispered, his eyes sad and scared and I couldn't bring myself to protest when he snuggled into my body and wrapped his arm around my chest.

I kissed his forehead and rubbed his back, hating it he was feeling so scared. I didn't want that for him. On the other hand, it helped me. Logan's insecurity helped me stay strong and not think about what might happen to me. His feelings always came first, whatever the situation. "I'm going to be fine, sweetie. I won't ever leave you alone."

"I love you, Kendall," He whispered in my ear.

"I love you too, baby. So much." I cupped his face, turning it up slightly so I could kiss him. I pressed our lips together, moving them lightly with his. "Don't worry, okay? Think about happy things."

He looked down, a shadow falling over his face again. "Like what?"

"Like baby Kendall, he or she is okay. And maybe we can sneak out after the ultrasound and go back later to get the results of my blood test. Maybe go see Sea World?"

Logan pouted. "How do you know I wanted to take you there?"

"Katie slipped it when I talked to her yesterday. Sorry."

"No, it's okay. I would really like that, though, just be together for a few more hours."

"Then we'll do that," I decided. No matter what, I was going to give Logan that. He deserved it after I ruined our weekend -not that he was ever going to admit that.

He smiled a little and leaned in again, kissing me more eager than before. Logan quickly pulled away when the curtain was pulled aside once again, revealing Dr. King who hadn't seen any of our kiss. "My apologies, it took longer than expected, but it's all ready now." She turned the wheelchair she brought along towards the bed. "Please, sit."

"Oh, that's not necessary, I can walk," I said. I really didn't want to sit in a wheelchair.

"It's hospital policy, Mr. Knight. I'm sorry."

I sighed, but did what she said without any further protest. My nerves were taking over now; I was constantly telling Logan it was going to be okay, but I couldn't say what the outcome of this test was going to be. I met Logan's eyes shortly and saw that all the reassuring I did the last few hours, that I was going to be okay and that we both were going to be just fine and preparing for the birth of our child, hadn't been enough to make him feel calm now.

When the doctor had put my IV-bag pole in the standard of the wheelchair she started pushing me away. Logan followed us out of the room, through the hallways into a small room with the familiar bed and monitor where I'd seen Logan lying on countless of times, but never me. I never thought I would be lying there, with someone looking inside my stomach like I was pregnant. Wow, that was a weird thought...

I got onto the table and pulled up my fancy hospital gown -thank god I still had my boxers on- then lied down and closed my eyes for a moment to collect some of my last bits of courage and bravery. It definitely helped when Logan slipped his hand into mine; at least I wasn't alone in this. Logan would stay with me.

I squeezed in his hand hard when the gel hit my stomach; now I knew what Logan was talking about when he flinched and said it was cold. It really was cold. "Alright, lay still," She said, planting the transducer firmly a little to the left side of my stomach.

It took a while, but after a few minutes and a lot of circles with the transducer later, the doctor found what she was looking for. I knew this, because I recognized the bean-like form of my kidneys. I felt proud, couldn't help it, but it didn't take away any of my nervous feeling. It sat too deep.

I closed my eyes again, just waiting until either Logan or the doctor would make a sound that told me if I could be relieved or terrified. I thought of better things, of what I was going to see with Logan in Sea World later. I definitely wanted to walk through that underwater tunnel and see all those fish swim over our heads.

And there it was, Logan quick intake of air and him squeezing my hand tightly, my sign to start paying attention. "There's a tumor in your left kidney," Dr. King said gently. "I can't tell if it's carinoma, we'll have to wait for your blood test for that. We do know there is something now."

I swallowed and nodded, dreading the minute I would get to hear it was cancer. "Is there a possibility I can go now and come back to get the results of that test later?" I asked hesitantly, now I wanted to go away with Logan even more. Just a few hours, the two of us doing stuff we wanted to do. I wanted to cheer him up, see him smile. I needed that to hold on and not break down right now.

"Uh, I think so. I can't keep you here, Mr. Knight, but I highly recommend you to give us a urine sample as well; together with the results of your blood test that should be enough to know what's wrong with you."

"I'll do that, you got a cup for me?"

"I'll get you one, here's some paper to clean your stomach. If you could wait here while I go get the paperwork and the cup, then you can go after we discussed a time for an appointment later today."

I nodded and she walked away. I was really tempted to take Logan and run away now, going far, far away and just focus on us again, but of course I couldn't. I let go of Logan's hand for a moment to clean my stomach and pull my gown down, then sat up and pulled him closer to me, the look on Logan's face telling me he wanted to cry. "Don't think about it, Logie. It doesn't exist until we get back to the hospital tonight and we know what's really going on with me."

It took a few moments, but then he nodded bravely and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Okay."

I kissed his cheek, smiling a little. "I love you."

"Love you too," He whispered.

I let go of him when Dr. King came back into the room and handed me a cup and plastic bag to put it in. "There's a bathroom just down the hall," She instructed.

I went there and did my business, then went back to the room. Logan and I left right after I got my clothes back, signed all the paper work and made an appointment for tonight. We took a taxi back to the hotel to get a change of clothes and have a quick shower, a shower filled with soft kisses and touches.

Then we got in another taxi and went to Sea World. Finally.

"Kendall, I want to see penguins first," Logan said while looking at the map we got when we bought our tickets. "And I want to go on a ride."

"No roller coaster," I said strictly.

Logan rolled his eyes and huffed. "Fine, but can we go on the wild water ride?"

"Is that that round boat thing that goes on wild water? I don't know, Logie, I don't want to risk baby Kendall."

"Please, Kendall? If there's a sign that says it's not good for pregnant people I won't go in it."

"Fine, but you sit next to me the whole time and will have to endure my arm around you so I can make sure you're alright. And I want to see penguins."

"And we have to do that tunnel where we walk under water."

I put my arm around Logan's waist and grinned at him as we started walking."Okay. I can live with that, but first we have to go eat something. Did you realize we didn't do that this morning?"

"I do now you mentioned it," He said and pressed his hands against his stomach. "I would do anything for grapes right now."

"Grapes? It that your new craving? You'll have to tell me, you know. It changes constantly. First you want pineapple with whipped cream, then pickles, now this."

He chuckled. "I'm sorry, Kendall, I'll tell you next time I'm craving something, then you can get it for me next time you do grocery shopping and by then I won't be craving it anymore."

I kissed the side of his head. "I'll just get everything you like so you always got what you want to eat."

Logan blushed and smiled, then pointed to a little restaurant like shop. "Waffles?" He asked me.

"Sure. Maybe they'll even have grapes for you."

"That would be awesome."

* * *

><p>The day past by too quickly. After we'd eaten we walked around for a while, visiting aquariums with beautiful fish and seeing penguins and polar beers. We took a picture with the turtles for Kegan -they were his favorite animal- and touched the nose of a dolphin. I'd walked with Logan through the tunnel and we watched the sharks and other huge deep sea creatures swim over us.<p>

And not one second did we think about the tumor in my kidney that was hopefully not cancer.

At the moment we were sitting in the waiting room, Logan was leaning against my side, gripping my hand tightly. After we'd done the wild water thing we'd realized we had to go back to the hospital for the results of my blood and urine test. Everything had come back to us and Logan hadn't let me go ever since.

We didn't have to wait long, Dr. King called us into her office precisely on time. Logan and I walked into the room together, his hand securely in mine, a perfect symbol of how our relationship had always been. I took place in a chair, Logan right next to me and the doctor on the other side of the desk.

"I don't have good news for you, Mr. Knight," She started out saying. At least she didn't try to sugar coat it; I liked that in a person.

I nodded. I'd already figured out it was bad news after the ultrasound of my kidneys. Now we were just going to give a name to the bad news.

"We've done the test twice, as we always do in these cases, but they gave the same result; you've cancer."

I nodded again, not really knowing how to react to this. I had the same feeling I had before; it was surreal, something that only happened to other people. The doctor continued to talk, telling me more about my conditions and things I would have to do when I got back home, but I wasn't listening. I needed time for this to sink in, to realize this was really happening and it wasn't going to be okay for a while like I told Logan.

About twenty minutes later she was done and gave a me a recipe for medicine I would need and the name of a doctor in LA I would've to call to start treating this, so I could get better. If I was lucky.

The only thing I did pick up was that I my tumor was probably in its second stage; it wasn't too big and hopefully the cancer didn't spread yet, then I could probably be cured if I had the sick kidney removed. If I was less lucky, it was in stage 3 and it did spread through my body. Maybe to my other kidney, to my lymph nodes or even my lungs. Then getting better would be a lot harder.

We said goodbye and Dr. King wished me the best. We left, walking silently to the counter where I could pick up my medicine with the description I got from the doctor. Once I got the box with pills we started walking again, Logan was looking at the floor again, hiding his face from my eyes.

I didn't like it. I wanted to know how he was feeling, what he thought about all this. He had to be open now, not close up like he did before. I needed him. When Logan was okay I would be fine too, it didn't matter what the situation was. And I was going to make sure he knew that.

I spotted a bathroom and pulled Logan to it, he didn't protest. I pushed him in first, then locked the door behind us and put my hands on his hips, pulling him against me. As soon as head touched my chest, I felt wetness on my shirt and he started shaking. "Logie," I whispered sadly. "Oh, Logie."

"Y-you c-c-can't d-die," He sobbed. "I n-need y-you."

"Who said anything about dying?" I said softly, trying to fight back my own tears. "I won't die, sweetie."

Logan didn't answer, sobs had taken over his body and he clung tighter to me than he'd done all day, something I'd thought was impossible. I put my chin on top of his head and let my own tears slide down my cheeks, gently rubbing over Logan's back while I stared ahead of me and wondered what I could do to fix this.

There just wasn't anything.

Nothing I had any control over.

But I couldn't leave my Logie alone.

* * *

><p><strong>Told you you wouldn't like it...<strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**I've no excuses. I'm sorry. It's been a month since I updated last time and I can't believe I've been so… neglectful. Hopefully the length of this chapter makes up for it, and otherwise I'm on my way with updating FOUND YOU, a story of mine I've been ignoring for almost half a year now and a one shot I don't have a name for yet, so that will be two more things to read… Hope it makes up for this. **

**I finally have my summer vacation and I'm going to write so much! Unfortunately, I won't be able to update for a while because I'm going to Barcelona, on a much deserved VACATION! But of course I'll write when I'm there and I promise to update at least once before I leave, so… forgive me? :)**

* * *

><p>Logan shifted in his sleep, cuddling closer into my side, his head on my stomach and his arm around my waist. Somehow he'd managed to slid down our bed until he was fully under the blankets, his baby bump now pressed against my thigh instead of my side. I didn't know how he did it, just that he never let go of me in his sleep ever since we found out I'd cancer.<p>

I sighed and put my hand on his back, slowly rubbing over his skin. Logan was scared. He was terrified and it was all my fault. I should've told him about my back pain earlier, so we could've gone to a doctor sooner and prevent all of this. He didn't deserve this; fearing for my life, not knowing if I'd make it or not. He should be happy, thinking about little Kendall and things we still had to do before his or her birth.

Not this.

I'd tried everything to get him to believe I was going to be fine. If he believed it, I could believe it too. But every time I turned my head, Logan was there, watching me like a hawk, as if he was scared something would happen with me. I didn't like it at all, but I wasn't going to tell him that. I knew exactly how it felt to be scared of something happening to the person you loved. I felt like that all the time when he was pregnant, or when he was sick, or just anytime something might go wrong.

I didn't want him to feel like that though, he should be happy and let me worry about things. That was how it had always been and I missed it. It was hard though, to pretend everything was perfectly normal, but we kept up the facade for Keira and Kegan. I didn't want them to worry about anything, it was bad enough Logan had to know.

Logan sighed and mumbled something in his sleep, something that sounded suspiciously like my name. Normally I would've been glad to hear him say that in his sleep, proving that he thought of me, even in his sleep, but this time not. He'd been sleeping bad, shifted a lot and was very restless, and I knew it was because he was worried about me. I really hated it.

How come I knew this information? To know he slept bad must mean I was awake when he was asleep. And I was. I'd been having even worse nights than Logan. At least he slept. I didn't. Ever since last week, when I got a medicine treatment that would hopefully help me get better, I've barely managed to sleep during the night. I was on my edge right now, just this near my breaking point. But not just yet.

I would probably break tonight, when I knew what exactly was wrong with me. Well, I knew what was wrong with me, but then I would know how bad it was. If I would live or not. What kind of treatment they were gonna give me to help me cure this. Logan had told me about them, what the best options were depending on the stage of cancer you have. The best one was to just remove the whole kidney with a tumor. And I didn't even have that much problems with it, people could live with one kidney, and though I would have to take pills for the rest of my life, it was totally worth it if I didn't have to leave Logan alone.

He was so scared of that. I never thought Logan had this kind of fear for being alone. When we'd gotten back to the hotel that Saturday we were in San Diego, after spending at least half an hour in that bathroom, Logan had broken down again, for once he was completely open with me and told me exactly what he was feeling. It had left me heartbroken, his pain became mine and I wanted to kill myself for not telling sooner so this could've been discovered earlier and he wouldn't have to be so worried and scared and unhappy.

I'd held him against me the whole night, he eventually cried himself to sleep, but I didn't even think about closing my eyes. Not when I had this much on my mind. I had looked at his face and swore myself there was no way I would ever leave him, not because of this. I could fight, had been a fighter all my life. I could fight this too. For Logan. For Keira and Kegan and Kendall Jr. For James, Carlos, Lizzy, mom and Katie and my unborn niece or nephew. I wanted to meet that baby too.

On Sunday we'd stayed in the hotel room until we had to go to the airport, spending our time talking, kissing and touching. We even made love, looking each other in the eye the whole time, connected in every single possible way. I tried to tell him with every move I made, that I would take care of it, that I would make sure everything was going to be fine, like always.

"Kendall?" I heard Logan mumble.

"Shh, go back to sleep, sweetie," I whispered and put my hand on his face, caressing his cheek.

"Want to stay with you," He whimpered and clung to me tighter, moving up until his head was tucked safely in the crook of my neck.

I turned my head and kissed his forehead. "I'm staying right here, Logie, I'm not going anywhere."

"Will you hold me?" He asked with a small, scared voice.

I put my arms around his shoulders, rubbing his back softly. "I will, Logie. Close your eyes again, okay?"

He nodded and a few minutes later he fell back to sleep, still restless. I started running my fingers through his hair, getting lost in the soft feeling of his locks for a while. I didn't want it, but almost automatically my mind drifted back to everything that happened last week. Monday was worst, I'd gotten the treatment then. The medicine was called Avastin and they put it in an IV-bag so it could slowly flow into my blood. It should help me, because it stopped the growth of new blood vessels in the tumor so it wouldn't grow any further. Hopefully it would even shrink a bit. It also prevented the cancer from spreading through my body, if it didn't already do that...

The doctor I got signed up to by the doctor in San Diego, had told me I had three options. The first one was second stage cancer, which meant an average tumor just in my kidney. The second was third stage; an average tumor, but the cancer did spread. And the third was first stage, a small tumor and no spreadings. If I was really lucky, I had that. And that was what I was desperately hoping for; stage 1 or stage 2, because both of them could easily be cured by surgery.

There was also a fourth stage, but the doctor said that wasn't likely for two reasons: one, I was young, and two, I would've had way more symptoms. So I was glad. The first three stages were curable, the fourth wasn't. It meant I had a fairly good chance to get better. And that was how I cheered Logan up, that even if it was stage 3, I could still get better. It didn't really help, but it got a smile out of him every time I said it, a small, humorless smile, but nonetheless a smile.

Wednesday, we had to go to the hospital to get the MRI-scan. I was a little nervous about this one, they said it didn't hurt, but I didn't like the idea of lying in a small tunnel for a long time. Logan couldn't stay with me either, because there was something about it that was bad for baby Kendall. It was bad for any human being, really. After all it wasn't too bad, I just had my eyes closed and listened to the music they played. It was over in a flash. And I would get the results on Monday. Today.

Mom was suspicious. She noticed something was wrong. We asked her to babysit Keira and Kegan for those two days, because we didn't want to bring them with us to the hospital. She had asked us why we didn't spend time with our children, 'You guys just came back from San Diego and now you have plans together again. It's not good for children to be away from their parents a lot.' But I didn't want to tell her the real reason yet, so I let her think she was right. And she was, I hated it I couldn't just sit at home and play with Keira and Kegan, but I had no choice. If I wanted to do anything with them in the future, I would have to get better now.

The rest of the week we spend home, watching our children, playing with them, feeding them and putting them to bed at night. Both of them were happy we were both home for a while. At night the cheery mood from the kids disappeared and everything came back to us. Logan would crawl in my lap and rest his head on my chest, staring ahead of him while listening to my heartbeat. I tried whispering sweet words to him, telling him I loved him and was going to make everything okay again. But after I'd made him cry three times I stopped, I didn't want to make him cry. Instead I would kiss him softly until I got a reaction out of him, then we'd make out until either of us decided it was time to go to bed.

Today was going to be busy. Logan and I had to be in the hospital at ten for an ultrasound, hopefully the one that would tell us if we had a boy or a girl. Right after that, we had the appointment with my doctor and we would know if we had to worry or if we could be happy. Then we had to go straight to the airport, because James, Carlos and Lizzy were coming back from Minnesota today.

Then we would go back home and prepare family dinner. Mom would come to our house today to watch her grandchildren while we were out. She was going to make pizzas with Keira and Kegan for us to eat tonight. I was a little unsure about that, didn't know if I would be able to eat anything Kegan made. I still remembered the 'French fries pizza' he wanted to make. Silly kid.

Logan shifted in his sleep, moving onto his other side. I turned too, closing my arms around his body. "I love you," I mumbled and closed my eyes. "I'll always be here for you, if you just realized that..." Maybe I would sleep just a little bit...

* * *

><p>"Papa," A little voice whispered in my ear. "Papa."<p>

I opened my eyes and noticed it was already light outside, turning around, I saw Kegan sitting next to me on the bed. "Hey, buddy. What's up?"

I reached out, pulling him down next to me. "My neck hurts," He whispered and coughed.

"You mean your throat?" I asked him. Great, everyone was getting sick lately.

He nodded and curled closer to me. I felt his forehead, getting a little more worried when I felt the warmth. I tried to remember what I knew of children's disease that had to do with the throat, but couldn't think of any. I sat up and pulled Kegan in my arms, taking him with me to the bathroom. "Are you cold?"

"Yes." I set him on the closed toilet seat and searched for the thermometer. I would've to wake Logan up soon, he was a children's doctor, he knew what to do.

"Open your mouth, Kegie," I said, holding the thermometer against his lips. He did, not in the mood to protest against anything. "Stay here, okay? I'm going to get you a blanket. And keep that thing in your mouth."

I kissed the top of his head and went back to my room, getting the extra blanket Logan kept in our closet for cold nights -come one, this was California, it was never cold here. After I got it, I sat on the bed and nudged Logan. "Kegan's sick," I told him.

Kegan was shivering in his blue pajamas when I got back, thermometer hanging out of his mouth. "Aww, Kegie," I muttered, feeling sorry for my little son. I wrapped the blanket around his tiny body, then looked at his temperature. 101.4. Not really serious yet. I put it back in the cabinet and picked him up. "C'mon, baby. Daddy's going to make you better."

Logan was already up and pulling on his jeans. He grimaced when he saw Kegan and quickly took him from me, holding him on his hips since his bump was getting in the way. "He has a fever and his throat hurts," I explained.

He nodded and sat on the bed, holding Kegan in his lap. "Can you get me a flashlight? And a popsicle?"

That made sense. "Sure." I first went to get the flashlight and brought it to Logan, then went downstairs to get a popsicle. When I got back in the room, Logan was looking into Kegan's mouth with the flashlight. I waited until he was done, before sitting next to them.

"His tonsils are swollen, but I don't think it's really serious." He turned back to Kegan. "Want a popsicle to stop it from hurting?"

The little brunette nodded, not as eager as he usually was when he got to eat a popsicle. I took the wrapped off and gave it to him, then kissed his forehead and got up. "I'm going to get ready." It was still early, but I was up now anyway. Logan nodded and scooted back onto the bed, going to sit against the headboard and holding Kegan in his lap.

* * *

><p>Three hours later mom arrived and Logan and I were on our way to the hospital. Logan didn't like it at all we had to leave Kegan when he was sick, but knew my mother would take good care of him. Kegan's fever had rise a little and he was coughing more than before, but he was fine just sitting on the couch, wrapped up in his blanket and watching TV.<p>

Keira was just doing what she always did; drawing or playing or watching TV with Kegan or helping her grandma. She noticed something was going on with us and asked me about it a few days ago when Logan was somewhere else. She was scared something was wrong with him or the baby, but I told her they were both fine she was okay again, not realizing yet it was me who was sick.

I liked to keep it that way.

Logan was driving for once. He knew about my sleeplessness and refused to let me drive. I couldn't help but agree with him, I wouldn't have let him drive with my conditions either. I didn't like him driving when he was pregnant, but at this point we didn't really have a choice anymore. We had to choose for the better of two worse.

But I was still relieved when we reached the hospital safely. Logan was quiet again and just held onto my hand tightly as we walked inside. "You know it's going to be fine no matter what, right?" I asked him when we got into an empty elevator.

Logan didn't answer me, instead stepped closer to me and squeezed my hand harder. I kissed his temple, "I love you. Just think about Kendall for now," I whispered.

He smiled at me a little and nodded. The doors of the elevator opened and we went out, walking to Dr. Young's office and sitting down in the waiting room. We didn't have to wait long, Logan's name was quickly called and we went into the office. He took a seat on the examination table and I sat next to him, taking his hand. "Boy or girl?"

"It doesn't matter," He said with a smile. "I got Kendall."

I smiled and got up to give him a kiss, closing my hands over his stomach. "It's girl. I'm sure of it."

"You just want another head with curls to make pretty braids and ponytails in," He teased.

"What's wrong with that?" I asked curiously. "So what if I like Keira's hair. The day she says 'Pa, I can do it myself now' will be the darkest day of my life."

Logan chuckled and leaned in to kiss me again. "Maybe you should grow your own hair and play with that once she's too old."

"I like my hair as it is now. You on the other hand would be perfect to have long brown locks."

"Yeah. Not gonna happen. I hated my hair when it was as long as yours, it just hung there around my face all day. It was annoying."

"I thought it was cute."

"Of course you would think that." But he smiled fondly and folded his hands over mine on his stomach. "Kendall, we have to talk to the doctor about your cancer," He said softly.

"What? Why?" I asked surprised, then frowned. "I don't want to tell anyone."

"I know, I don't want that either, but we're not sure if kidney cancer is genetic. If it is, and if you had cancer when we 'made' Kendall, he or she might have cancer, or maybe some other disease that's related to the kidneys. Dr. Young has to run some tests to see nothing is wrong."

This huge lump of guilt sank in my stomach. What if my illness affected our baby? Or Logan? I couldn't handle that. "Kendall, it's not your fault," Logan said quickly when he saw my face. "We didn't know until now, you couldn't have done anything to prevent this. And there is only a small chance it's genetic, and even a smaller chance that you gave it to baby. It's going to be fine, this is just to know for sure nothing is wrong."

I nodded, still not feeling any better. "What kind of tests will he run on you?"

"He'll just take some blood from me and do an AFT."

"What's an AFT?" I asked worriedly. It definitely didn't sound good.

"An amniotic fluid test. Or amniocentesis."

The fluid baby Kendall was living in inside Logan? "How are they going to do that?"

"With a needle," Logan said, biting his lip. "They do an ultrasound to get the baby's position and then stick the needle through my skin and the womb where there's just fluid so they won't hit baby or the placenta." He was nervous about that. I could see it on his face.

"Is that safe?"

"For 97%. There's a bigger risk of miscarriage after that," He admitted quietly.

I bit my lip, staring at Logan who was looking down at the floor until I put my hand under his chin, lifting his head up. "Hey. It'll be okay," I told him, cupping his cheek in my hand.

Logan didn't answer, just reached out and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest. "Will you be there with me when he does that? I feel better with you there," He muttered.

"I will be there, baby. I'm always with you on those things, right?"

He looked up at me smiling. I leaned in, softly pressing our lips together. "It'll be alright, Logie," I mumbled. "I'm going to be fine, baby Kendall is going to be just as healthy and happy as Keira and Kegan are and you're not going to be alone."

"I trust you," He whispered.

* * *

><p>We were having another daughter. Logan and the doctor quickly found out and Logan told me happily. I'd smiling ever since I heard it. Another little girl running around the house, playing with dolls and learning how to draw from her sister, being protected by her big brother... Amazing.<p>

Logan had explained the doctor about our change of situation after that and the dr. Young agreed with him that they had to do some tests to see everything was okay. Or not. I kept quiet and let them handle it, blocking out everything beside my little girl in Logan's belly and wondered what she would be like, if she would resemble me or Logan more. I hoped she looked like Logan, but Logan would be so happy if he got the pair of green eyes he wanted. I decided both situations were good.

The two of us were now walking ever so slowly to the oncology department, my arm securely around Logan's waist. He was trembling and I desperately wanted to make it stop; do anything to make him feel better, tell him it was all going to be okay. I knew he wouldn't believe it. We just had to go in that office, hear out what the doctor says and deal with it.

We passed the exit and he looked at it longingly, but we couldn't go there. We couldn't leave anymore. "Logie, come on," I mumbled, pulling him along with me to the waiting room.

He looked up at me, tears in his eyes, and he shook his head. "I can't do it," He whispered, he voice shaking. "I can't go in there with you."

He didn't want to go with me? I didn't want to face the doctor on my own. But I didn't want to make Logan do something he didn't want to do. I closed my eyes for a moment, then pulled him with me to a nearby bathroom and gently pushed him inside. I turned to him after closing the door, only seeing his back and shaking shoulders.

I quickly went up to him and slid my arms around him, pulling him back against my chest. "It's okay, baby," I whispered. "It's okay. You don't have to come with me."

"I'm s-s-sorry," He whimpered and turned around, hiding his face in my chest.

"Shh," I mumbled. "I got you, sweetie. It's fine."

He pulled away a little and looked up at me angrily, but it wasn't really convincing since he still had tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's n-not f-fine! I s-should b-b-be h-helping y-you w-with t-this, i-instead of c-crying a-and-"

I took his face in my hands and rubbed the tears of his face. "Don't cry, Logie. Just stay here, okay? I'll go in, hear the doctor out and come back here to get you right after, it's fine."

He averted his eyes, turning his head away from me as he nodded. "Hey," I whispered, pulling him back. "I love you."

Logan gave me a watery smile and timidly walked into my embrace again, his face resting on my shoulder. "I love you too," He breathed. "So much, Kendall."

"Stay right here, okay? I'm gonna be back and everything's going to be fine; we'll live happily ever after." Logan nodded more bravely this time and leaned in to kiss me, his lips nibbling softly on my bottom lip. "Kendall?" He whispered.

"Hmm?"

"If you get... bad news, will you call the dinner off?"

"Is that what you want?" I asked him, caressing his cheek with my thumb to show him I wasn't mad.

He opened his eyes and nodded, his hands reached out to grab my shirt.

"We'll do that, sweetie," I told him softly.

"I just want to be with you," He mumbled.

"I know, Logie. Me too. But it will be alright, okay? We'll have plenty of time to be spend time together." I took a look at my watch, noting I was late for my appointment. "I have to go now, sweetie."

He nodded timidly and stepped away from me, but I pulled him into a hug. "I love you. Stay here and I'll come and get you right after, okay? Don't go anywhere, I don't want to lose you."

Logan nodded again and pulled away, just staring at me with his big round eyes filled with fear. I turned away, taking a deep breath to get myself to do this. I didn't want to go alone. I wanted him with me, holding his hand to remind myself what I was doing this for, why I should fight harder than anyone ever did before, to make sure I could stay with my family. So I could stay with my Logie.

I looked at him again when I opened the door, blowing him a kiss. Logan bit his lip and looked down at the floor, but I saw the tears escaping his eyes and I wanted nothing more than to go back to him and hold him in my arms until he felt better again, but I had to go right now. I had to go to that doctor and hear what he had to say, so I could do everything in my power to make sure I would stay alive until I was at least eighty.

I closed the door and started walking. I knew that if I paused, I would go right back to Logan and take him to some far place so we could just forget all this. Which was not good, because I would die. And I didn't want that.

I didn't even care if I would die or not, as long as Logan went with me. It was incredibly selfish and egocentric, but I couldn't help it. Logan didn't want to die yet, so I wasn't going either. And I wanted to stay with Keira, Kegan and Kenzie; watch them grow up, play with them, spend time with them. One day I wanted to move them out of LA, find a nice, big house on the countryside with a big backyard I can work in and just live a quiet, peaceful life instead of a hectic one like this.

But first I had to make sure I would get better. That I would live and make sure all of that happened. I wanted to give Logan so much more, the life he's always wanted. The family he wished to have -we're almost there. Everything was going perfectly well. Logan got his certificate to work as a doctor, we have a great house right next to our friends', we have two amazing children and another one coming to join us in a few months.

We got a perfect family, with my great sister and her husband, my niece or nephew almost ready to join us. Mom and Mr. Bitters and all our friends at the Palm Woods, having rich and healthy lives of their own. James and Carlos, our two friends that needed our help now to find their daughter's sister, Lizzy, the little blonde girl I slowly grew to love as much as my own children.

Logan. My Logan. The one most important thing in my life, my love, the keeper of my heart. My perfect match. My soul mate. My sweet baby. I needed him, without him I wouldn't even try to live. I couldn't do that. I wished so hard I could have him next to me now, hold his hand securely in mine as I walked into that office, just to know I wasn't in this alone. That I had someone there for me.

I blinked my eyes quickly, willing the tears away. I could do this on my own, I was strong, Logan always said that. I was able to go in there and calmly listen to the doctor, then tell Logan about it. Tonight I would let myself break down. I would wait until we were in bed and I would watch Logan sleep in my arms, that's when I would cry. I would let it out, look at Logan and remember that I had him. That he was mine and I could do all this just to make him happy. There was no higher purpose in my life.

And he was there for me, in his own, quiet, terrified way. Logan just couldn't do this, wasn't able to deal with the anxiousness and I was okay with that. He needed to stay calm, think of our baby and just relax. I could deal with this little thing on my own, listen to the doctor and then go tell my Logie I would be okay no matter what the doctor said. He had to believe that I would stay with him for the rest of my life. If Logan believed it, I could believe it too.

I kept telling him everything would be fine, although I wasn't so sure myself. I tried to stay optimistic for Logan, but inside I was more realistic. I knew that there was a chance, even with stage 2, that I would die. I had to start thinking about that, how I could make Logan's life as comfortable and happy as possible without me there. There was no way I would be leaving this world without making sure Logan and my children would be taken care of.

Of course James and Carlos would always stay close to their friend and help where they could; that was already a huge part. But I had to make sure they would be taken care of, that I didn't leave Logan with two children and a baby on the way all by himself. I needed to figure out a way to tell Logan he was strong enough to live life without me, because he was strong enough, he could do it. He just didn't realize it yet.

I was going to talk to James and Carlos about this when they were back and after I told him I had cancer. I needed their word that they would look after Logan and my children when I wasn't there. I would do the same for them if something happened to either of them and the other was left alone with Lizzy. But I needed their word.

"Mr. Knight? Are you ready?" The doctor asked friendly.

I looked up, noticing I was already at the office of the oncologist and he was waiting for me by the door. "Oh, right. Yeah." I followed him into the office.

"Let's move right onto the important part, shall we? I don't think you're in the mood for small talk now, are you?"

"No, not at all," I mumbled.

He nodded in understanding and gestured to a chair. I sat in it and unlike other doctors, he sat down next to me. "It's stage 2," He said with a smile.

I started grinning and felt relieve washing over me. Stage 2 was curable. I had to give my kidney and take medicine for the rest of my life, but I would live and stay with my family. "Good, "Was my lame answer.

"It is. But now we have to go over the risks of living with one kidney."

"Right, but would you mind if I brought my husband inside?"

The man raised his eyebrows, but nodded. "Thank you, I'll be back in a minute." I got up and ran back to the bathroom, wanting nothing more than to make my baby happy. I was so ecstatic right now and I wanted to share it with him. "Logan!" I shouted and knocked on the bathroom door hard. He'd locked after I left.

It took only a few seconds before he was there, opening the door for him. His eyes were standing so hopeful and I would've hated it to let him down; but I didn't have to. I could tell him I was going to be fine; for real. With one step I was inside and had my arms around him, lifting him off the floor. "It's stage 2," I whispered in his ear. "It's gonna be okay, Logie. It's gonna be okay."

And he started sobbing, his face pressed tightly in my shoulder and his arms coming up to encircle my neck. I rocked him, a smile appearing on my face as I realized I wasn't going to die. Yes, I still had to do the surgery, yes, I had to learn how to live with one kidney; what I could, and couldn't do. But I would live. "Shh, sweetie. I got you."

I pulled away and took his face in my hand, steadying it to press our lips together. Logan just let it happen, his shoulders were still shaking and his cheeks were wet, but he grabbed onto me tighter and I didn't think he would ever let go of me. I kissed him harder, needier, because I wanted Logan to feel like he was all I ever wanted. Because he was.

I slowly started pressing him up against the wall, trapping him between me, my arms and the tiled wall. Logan put his arms around my waist and leaned into me, his lips just moving with mine. "I'm going to be okay," I muttered again and bit softly in his bottom lip, pulling his lips apart so I could enter his mouth.

After a few minutes of kissing, he pulled away and rested his head on my chest. I hugged him to me tightly and started rocking him. "I'm going to live, sweetie," I whispered. "And we're having another beautiful daughter. See how well this day is going so far?"

It brought back the tears again and he let out a single sob. "K-Kendall..."

I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head, holding him against me closely until he stopped shaking. "Come, sweetie. Let's go hear that doctor out and then we'll go to the airport, find a place we can get ice cream."

"Can't we just stay in the car and cuddle?" He asked softly.

I nodded and kissed him again. "Of course." Logan smiled and put his arms around my waist, holding on tight. I brought my hand up to his teary face and wiped the wetness away with my sleeve, not caring there was now a wet spot on my shirt.

I carefully pried his arms from my body and took his hand to lace our fingers. "Come, we just have to listen to the doctor for a little while and then we go away and it'll be just the two of us."

* * *

><p>After our talk with the doctor, we didn't waste any time to get to the car. I wanted nothing more than just forget, get the whole operation done with and leave this chapter of my life behind as soon as possible, so I could focus on more happier things, like the birth of my third baby, the child Logan and I'd been longing for for quite a while.<p>

Once we were both in the backseat of the car, we laid down and pressed close together so I wouldn't roll of the seat onto the floor -not that either of us minded we had to cuddle. Logan had only spilled a few tears and most of them were in relieve, before he nuzzled his face in my chest and fell asleep.

I was more than okay with just lying there and watching him sleep, hoping that when he woke up he would be a little less scared and more optimistic about the whole situation. There was a really big chance I was going to survive the surgery and the time after that, if I just came to every check up to see if the cancer came back or not for the coming five years; if not, I was clean. If it did come back... Well, I would deal with it then. For now I was just happy I was going to be in the land of the living for the birth of my child.

I would have surgery in a month; the sooner the better, the doctor had said. He was going to be removing my whole kidney, because the tumor was too big and had already invaded too much of that small organ. After the surgery, I had a recovery period of about three months, wherein I wouldn't be allowed to carry any heavy stuff and had to eat according to a certain diet. It probably wouldn't by much different than the food I currently ate, since I was really into healthy food and all. But it would still be hard, especially because Logan was pregnant and had to take it easy too. We were going to need help from James and Carlos. Definitely.

I felt guilty about not being able to search for Mary-Alice anymore. She was practically their daughter already, but they had no way of finding her without our help. I wanted to find her too, but I was barely able to stay upright now, the treatment was really taking it's toll on me. For now I was okay, just tired and a headache, but who knew how long it took before some more serious symptoms appeared.

Of course Logan could still search for her, but if he continued to be as clingy as he was the last week, he would never leave my side until he knew I was alright again. But I wasn't sure that even if he was up for it, I probably wouldn't let him go because of his pregnancy. I didn't want to risk our baby.

I yawned and closed my eyes; I was so tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep now. Logan was already off to dreamland and one of us had to make sure we left in time to pick James and Carlos up from the airport.

"Kendall?" Logan asked softly. "Are you asleep?"

"No," I whispered.

"Do you want to?"

"Yes." Please, please let me sleep to catch up on the past eight night I didn't sleep.

Logan kissed my cheek and then rested his head back on my chest. "Okay," He said and started humming 'You're Beautiful'.

* * *

><p>I had been sleeping until Logan woke me up, telling me we were already at the airport and I'd been sleep throughout the ride there. I was grateful he hadn't woken me up, I felt a lot better and less tired. Now I noticed too that Logan was still as worried and scared as he'd been all week, even now, after I had told him it was stage two. I didn't understand. He should be happy again, or at least happier.<p>

Hand in hand we walked to the arrival hall and we only had to wait ten minutes. I grinned and waved when I saw them coming out of the hall where you got your baggage. Carlos and Lizzy in the front and James following, pushing a cart with huge suitcases. "Hey, buddy!" I said happily when Carlos was within hearing distance.

What I received wasn't a bear hug, or even a friendly smile. I was sure that if Carlos had had laser eyes, I would be dead by now. "I'm pissed at you," He hissed when he was close enough and then went up to Logan, greeting him what a hug and a smile. I was stunned. What did I do to make him mad at me! I looked at James, hoping he would give me some information.

"He's still pissed about the pictures and that you and I didn't tell him about them," James said softly when he was close enough. He hugged me. "You've no idea what kind of hell I've been living in the past week. Wasn't Logan mad?"

"Yeah, but then something else came up and our attention was pretty much on that."

"Oh! That was that night you fainted and ended up in the hospital. Are you okay?"

I grimaced and looked away from him. "There's a little more to it, I'll tell you guys later." Someone started tugging on my leg and I looked down, grinning at Lizzy's smiling face. "Hey, princess," I said as I picked her up. "How was it in Minnesota?"

"I got a doll from grandma!"

"Did you?"

"Yes! It talks!"

"No way!"

She nodded happily and gave a very confusing description of what the doll looked like. "That's awesome, Lizzy. You should show it to Keira, she likes playing with dolls as well."

The little girl reached out for her daddy and I handed her to James, taking over his luggage cart. "Hey, this is gonna sound weird, but could you drive us home? Neither of us is really able to right now."

"Uhm, sure," James said confused. "Why can't you?"

"Logan's pregnant, I don't like him driving when he's with baby and I haven't been sleeping at all, so there's a chance I'll pass out and we'll all die if I drive. Again, we'll explain later."

"Is it serious?" James asked worriedly while we followed Carlos and Logan outside to the car. "You do look awful."

"Thanks," I said bitterly. "And yes, it's kinda serious. Turns out I'm gonna be okay though, but there was a chance I would die." There still is. Just wasn't going to tell him that. 95% chance of survival, the doctor had said.

"No shit," James whispered shocked, but then remembered Lizzy. "Go to daddy, Lizzle," He told her and put her on the ground, watching her run up to Carlos. "Dude, I don't even know what to say right now."

"You don't have to, I'm going to be fine. It'll just take a while. We're gonna need you guys."

"Yeah, of course," He said immediately, then pulled a face. "At least, I'll help you, and I'm sure Carlos would too, but he doesn't want to be anywhere near me tight now."

"He's that mad because you didn't tell him about the pictures?"

"You should've seen it, Kendall. He's never been this mad in whole his life, it's even worse than you when you found out I kissed Logan."

I grimaced. "Don't remind me of that."

"Sorry. But wasn't Logan mad?"

"He didn't have time to get mad, he was scared and I calmed him down, we called Keira and Kegan and during that phone call, I got sick and fainted, he would've probably been mad if that didn't happen."

"I wish I fainted," James sighed, "Though Carlos probably would've let me die at that moment."

"That sucks, dude, but I'm sure he'll forgive you. Carlos is really bad at holding grudges."

"I know! But he's been mad at me for a week now, Kendall! He's really furious."

"Want me to talk to him?"

"No! He's mad at you too because you didn't tell him about the pictures when I didn't."

"And he's not mad at Logan because I didn't tell him either?"

"Yeah," James mumbled. "This sucks, Kendall."

"I know, buddy. I know all about it." We'd reached the car and I unlocked it, apparently Carlos had explained to Logan what was going on to and had talked my husband into sitting with him in the backseat. He looked surprised though, when not me but James sat in the driver's seat. Lizzy was sitting in the middle, leaning tiredly against Carlos chest.

The ride back was awkward. Because James and Carlos weren't speaking, I didn't really know what to talk about. And since Logan and I had been too occupied with my cancer to even think about Mary-Alice, we didn't have any news on that front either. I could ask them about Minnesota, but that would probably just bring up bad memories. Then there was the news we had to break to them, but I wanted to wait with telling them until I had my whole family together. It was hard to talk about cancer and I wanted to explain it just one time.

Half an hour later we arrived at our house and James, Carlos and Lizzy went home to clean up and put their stuff away. Logan and I went home; I wanted to know how Kegan was if he got any sicker. "Daddy!" Keira said happily when she saw Logan coming into the kitchen, she was making a puzzle with mom.

"Hey, sweetheart," He said and went up to them while I put the car keys away and checked the living room to see if Kegan was there.

"He's upstairs, Kendall," Mom told me when she saw me searching. Logan had taken place at the table to look at the puzzle Keira's been making. I smiled at her as a thank you and went upstairs, going straight to Kegan's room, but he wasn't there. Then I remembered Kegan always slept in the big bed when he was sick and I went there.

My little boy was curled up under the covers, wrapped in the blanket I put around him this morning and my sleep shirt tightly in his little fists. It made me smile, that he grabbed for my shirt once instead of Logan's like he used to do. I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked the hair from his pale face, feeling his burning skin. He flinched when I touched him and opened his eyes, turning towards me. "Papa," He whimpered and reached out for me.

"Hey, Kegie," I said softly and picked him up, blanket and all. "Are you feeling a little better?"

He shook his head and curled into my chest, shivering when his feet got in touch with the cold air. "Are you going away again?" He asked with a small voice, and I knew I wasn't leaving him until he was better.

"No, baby," I shushed. "We're staying home today."

Kegan nodded and closed his eyes again, leaning into me when he started coughing. I rubbed his back and pulled the blanket around him tighter. "James, Carlos, Lizzy and auntie Katie are coming to eat here tonight, you wanna sit with us downstairs?"

He nodded again, but didn't open his eyes. I put my arm under his legs and picked him up, carrying him downstairs. "Lizzy is back, Kegan. Do you want to see your friend again?"

"Yes," He whispered.

We got into the kitchen and Kegan reached out for Logan, wanting some affection from his other father as well. "Aw, Kegie," Logan said guiltily and scooted his chair back to make some room for Kegan. "Is your throat still hurting?"

Kegan got tears in his eyes as he nodded and pressed his face in Logan's shirt, his body awkwardly curled around the bump on Logan's stomach. Logan wrapped his arms around him and held him close, but I could see Kegan wasn't really comfortable. I wasn't going to tell Logan that though, he would feel bad.

I ran my fingers through Keira's hair when I passed her and sat in my chair. "What did you guys do today?" I asked her.

"We made a salad and I ate a tomato and I liked it!"

"Wow, Keke! I'm proud of you!"

She grinned widely and went back to her puzzle. "So how did the ultrasound go?" Mom asked.

"It went great, there were no problems and K-baby is growing well," Logan said.

"Did I just spot a name? And do you know the gender? I know Katie is having- wait I'm not allowed to say this."

"Aw, mom. That's not fair!"

"Sorry. Promised her I wouldn't do it."

"Then we're not gonna tell you the gender either."

"And the name?" Mom asked disappointed.

"Logan wants to name our baby after me," I said proudly.

She smiled at me, but then sighed sadly. "Kendall is a unisex name, now I still know nothing."

I smirked. "That was the point."

Then I saw Kegan struggling out of Logan's arms and slide of his lap, running up to me and dragging his blanket along with him. I lifted him in my lap, pulling the blanket around him again as he snuggled into my body and closed his eyes. I looked up to find see Logan looking at the table, his face sad. I felt bad for him, we never had this problem before. Keira was much younger when he was pregnant with Kegan and didn't even notice.

I looked up when I heard the front door opening and saw Carlos and Lizzy coming in. They were wearing different clothes, but both of them still looked tired. I tried to smile at Carlos, but he once again ignored me completely and went straight to my mother, greeting her happily before sitting down next to Logan.

"Is Kegan sick?" Lizzy asked when she came up to me to greet the boy in my lap.

I nodded and pulled him a little closer, his tiny body feeling cold even under that blanket. I was gonna let him sleep with me and Logan in our bed tonight, I wanted to know if he was doing okay. "Yes, he has a sore throat, but he'll be okay soon."

Lizzy nodded and patted Kegan's head, then sat down next to Keira to help her with the puzzle. James had arrived here too, coming up to sit next to me after giving Logan a hug. I was glad to see there wasn't any tension between them, probably because Logan had other things on his mind that he thought were more important and didn't have the energy to be mad at James or me for lying about the pictures.

Kegan coughed again and shifted in my lap, turning towards me and taking my shirt in his fist. "I know, buddy," I mumbled, running my hand through his hair.

"Is he sick?" James asked pitifully.

"Yeah, a fever and a sore throat, but Logan said he'd be fine so I'm not too worried about it."

James nodded and then looked over at Carlos, pulling a sad face when the Latino was talking very animatedly with my mother and Logan about the things he did in Minnesota and didn't even glance at James. "I've to sleep on the couch tonight," He said quietly.

"Of course not, Carlos isn't that mad at you," I told him.

"He put my pillow and a blanket on the couch before we left. And he told me not to unpack my suitcase so I wouldn't have to come into our room. It was actually the only thing he's said to me all day. And it's a pretty clear message, Kendall."

I stared at James in shock, never did I expect Carlos was this mad at his husband. I remembered the other times they fought, but even then it didn't come this far. Although this was a completely different situation. "Fuck, James."

He bit his lip and looked away from Carlos again, probably because it hurt to have his husband so close but still not be able to trust him. I did feel like this was James' own fault though; he didn't tell Carlos about the pictures. But on the other hand, I never thought the Latino would take it this bad. "It'll be okay," James mumbled. "I just hate myself for hurting him like this."

"You should, but if I had known he would react like this I would've told you to tell him more persistently. Did you try to explain to him why you didn't tell him?"

"Yeah, but he wasn't listening to me at all, besides, my reasons weren't even that good. I should've just told him."

"Remember that for the next time," I said and patted his shoulder, then turned back to Kegan. It was time to start dinner, but I couldn't move with him curled up in my lap. I would rather stay here and hold him since he was so comfortable, but I couldn't leave the cooking to anyone else tonight. Especially since this was my house. "Kegie, wake up."

He whimpered and opened his eyes a little, immediately closing them again when his eyes were met with the light room. "Come on, buddy, you have to sit with daddy while I make dinner. Or with grandma."

"Or with me," James proposed.

Kegan nodded and crawled from my lap into James', curling up into a ball again. I put the blanket over him and got up, walking to the kitchen to heat up the pasta I prepared yesterday. Logan joined me quickly, the closeness of just him standing next to me was a great feeling. It made me feel even luckier when I remembered James and Carlos were fighting and Logan was just gonna be sleeping in my arms tonight. Oh, that was mean...

I was pouring water in a pan to boil the noodles in when he suddenly yelled, "Wow!" And dropped empty cup he was holding.

"What is it?" I asked anxiously. Nothing was wrong with him, right? Or baby Kendall?

"Baby just moved!" He said happily and pulled me closer by my hands, placing them on his stomach. "It was right here..."

We waited a few minutes, everyone was quiet as if they would hear it, but when Logan gasped again I couldn't feel anything. "Did you feel it, Kendall? It was right under your hand."

I shook my head pitifully and Logan's happy expression dropped. "It's okay, Logie. It's not like this is going to be the last time baby moves," I told him, smiling softly at the disappointed expression on his face.

He smiled back at me and for a few seconds he was the only other thing in this world, but he quickly realized there were five other people in the room and he stepped away from me. "You're probably right. There'll be more opportunities."

* * *

><p>Four hours later we were done with dinner. Katie and Dak were here too, my sister now sitting on the couch with Kegan because she was more comfortable there and Kegan was still sick and appreciated the close contact right now. He found a way to lie comfortably on Katie's legs.<p>

I wished she would come back to the kitchen so I could tell everyone I have cancer and that I was going to be fine after surgery. I wanted to get it done with and now was the perfect moment; Kegan was sleeping and Keira and Lizzy were upstairs watching a movie in our bedroom. It just started and they wouldn't come back down until it was over.

Carlos was still ignoring James and it was so obvious my oldest friend hated it, he tried to not show it and just talked with Dak, mom and me, but every minute or so he would look over at Carlos and Logan longingly. I understood what it was like, having missed Logan for half a year. I hoped Carlos wouldn't be mad at him for long, because though it was James' own fault, I didn't want either of my friends to be unhappy. And neither of them was happy now.

When Logan was helping me preparing dinner he told me Carlos didn't talk about it at all, not even when he'd straight out asked him about their fight. I had tried apologizing to Carlos during dinner, but he'd just ignored me too. Mom, Katie and Dak noticed something was going on, but probably decided to stay out of it. They were used to our strange behavior by now and knew it was better to let us handle it ourselves. Besides, we weren't teenagers anymore.

The four of us definitely needed to talk soon. Hopefully tonight.

I was done, I couldn't have fighting friends right now. If we wanted to find Mary Alice, if we wanted to keep our children save from the creepy stalker and just get our lives to be normal again; we needed to work together. Yes, James and I shouldn't have lied to Carlos and Logan, but it was done now and we couldn't take it back. And I would like to get a little bit support from them with my cancer.

I got up abruptly and went into the living room, where Katie and Kegan were still on the couch, eating and sleeping. "Katie, I need to talk to you guys, can you come to the kitchen?"

She sighed. "You really wanted me to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen with this stomach, just because you have to say something?"

"If it's not too much to ask," I said coldly, "It's important."

"Fine, help me up," She said. I nodded and moved Kegan off of her lap, into the corner of the couch. Katie held out her hands and I helped her off the couch.

"Can you walk on your own or do I have to help you with that too?"

"No, I'm fine, big brother." She walked to the kitchen, holding the underside of her stomach as if it would fall off her body when she didn't do that. I made sure Kegan was still sleeping before following her.

"Okay, everyone. I need to tell you something," I said. I met Logan's eyes, noting the sad look in his eyes.

"I'm gonna take Kegan upstairs," He said softly and quickly left the kitchen. I understood why he left, but I wished he would've stayed here. Logan's presence was important to me.

Then I realized the rest of my family was waiting for me to say something and was looking at me weirdly as I stared in the direction he left in. "Right, okay. This is hard," I said, turning back to the important people in my kitchen.

"Just tell us, Kendall," Katie said, "You're not gonna die or anything, right?"

She was way closer than she could've imagined, but she only realized it when I looked down at the floor and didn't answer it. "Kendall?" She asked again, a little unsure this time. "You're not really gonna die, are you?"

I took a deep breath and looked up again. "It's not likely."

"Dude, you're really scaring me right now, earlier you said you were fine. Tell us what's going on," James said, he indeed had a fearful look on his face. Even Carlos, who had pulled out his new phone and started playing a game on it when Logan left, was looking at me now. His expression not very friendly yet, but not angry either. That was progress.

"Okay, remember last week? When Logan called you all to tell you I was in the hospital?"

There were nods and a few 'yeah's'.

"It was for a really stupid reason. I'd taken way too much pills that day, because my back was hurting like hell and I wanted it to stop. I thought the back pain came from that time I fell from a chair, but then something happened in the hospital that changed everything. Logan and I spent the whole morning in a hospital in San Diego and they did like a million different tests, but eventually they found out what's really wrong with me." I stopped talking, not wanting to actually say the c-word and make my whole family think I'm going to die.

"… and?" Mom asked quietly. She already knew what I was going to say, I could see it in her eyes. I imagined how I would feel when I found out either of my children had cancer and realized she must be wishing so hard it wasn't true.

"Mom, don't worry, okay? They found out early, there's, like, a 95% percent chance I'm gonna make it. And did I ever let you down?"

"Kendall," She whispered and got up, coming up to me to hug me. I hugged her back, looking over her head at the rest of my family. By know they'd all figured out what I was talking about, I didn't even have to say it anymore.

"Where?" James asked me, bus his eyes were on Carlos. The Latino was staring at me, biting his bottom lip, his eyes wide.

"A tumor around 2.5 inches in my left kidney."

A few things happened that moment; Katie got up too and hugged me too. "Damn it, Kendall," She muttered and wiped the tears from her eyes impatiently. "You can't do this now."

Carlos had gotten up abruptly and walked out of the kitchen, out of my house. I turned to James, who was staring after him longingly. "Dude! Go after him!" I told him, not believing he was really ignoring a chance to make it up to his husband. This was the perfect moment!

"You sur-"

"Yes! Go!"

James nodded and quickly followed Carlos outside. Maybe this whole thing brought something good after all. I was positive I was going to make it, because there was just no way I was leaving Logan and my children, so I didn't really mind James and Carlos took a little more time for each other right now. I pulled away from my mother and sister, leading them back to the table. "Oh my god, how is Logan dealing with this?" Katie asked shakily. "He's pregnant with your baby and you've two other children and they need you!"

She sat back in her chair next to Dak and grabbed his hand. I sat down too and mom's hand covering mine. "I'm not leaving them," I said calmly. "Last week I got the treatment with medicine, which is why I look like shit right now, but it keeps the cancer from spreading through my body. In a month, I'm going into surgery and they're going to take my infected kidney out. After that, I'm all better. I will have to take pills and stuff for the rest of my life, but I will live."

Both women nodded, but I could see they were a lot less confident than I was. Or they were more realistic. That was possible too. I looked up when I heard someone walking down the stairs and coming into the kitchen; Logan. I got up when I saw the look on his face, knowing this was still really hard on him, even now he knew it was stage 2 and not stage 3. Logan was scared and frankly, I couldn't blame him.

He turned around and I followed him into the living room and wrapped my arms around his waist as soon as he stopped, linking my hands together over his bump. "Are you okay?" I asked him quietly and kissed his neck.

Logan nodded and put his hands over mine, leaning back in my embrace. "Kendall is moving again," He told me and moved my hands a bit lower. "Right there."

I kept still and waited for the moving, hoping I would feel it this time. About three minutes later when I just wanted to give up, I felt a really light touch, like the brush of a finger over your skin. "I feel it," I said happily.

Logan smiled at me, leaning in to give me a kiss. During our kiss I heard voices outside and realized it were James and Carlos. And they were talking. "We gotta eavesdrop, Logie," I whispered to his lips and nodded towards the window. He was quiet for a moment, but then his eyes lit up and he nodded.

We moved over and I opened the window just a little bit; thank god it was pretty new and didn't make any noise. I sat down under the window and pulled Logan with me, in between my legs. He put his head on my chest and closed his eyes, just listening to what our friends were saying.

"- really am sorry, Carlos," I heard James. "I had absolutely no right to keep this from you, but it was so hard to see them and I didn't want to worry you because you were so stressed because of work and Ally and I didn't want to make you feel even worse, because then you close down even further and won't talk to anymore. Of course this didn't work out either because you were so mad you stopped talking to me completely..."

"She's my child too," Carlos said quietly. "How would you feel if I found out Lizzy has this creepy disease and didn't tell you until she almost died from it? Because that's about the same thing and I want to know everything that involves her."

"I understand. And I will tell you everything from now on, because you're totally right. Just, please stop ignoring me? I miss you."

"James..."

"I don't want to fight with you, not when, once again, everything is going downhill. Kendall has fucking cancer and I don't want to lose you too."

Logan flinched and I pulled him closer to me, pressing a kiss to his temple. "M'not going anywhere," I mumbled, nuzzling his hair. "Gonna stay right here with you."

"But what happens after the surgery?" He asked quietly. "You'll be in the hospital for at least a week and then you come home and have to take it easy, but I can't do it all on my own, Kendall. Or maybe something goes wrong during the surgery and you end up dying anyway and I can't do that. I need you."

"I'm not going to die, Logie," I told him confidently. "I've other plans for my future."

"You keep saying that, but it's not going to help me! I need to know what happen when- what if you do- I need to know that!" Logan wasn't angry; no, he was shaking and his eyes filled with tears at the mere thought of me dying.

I reacted instantly by pulling him closer and rocking him slowly, Logan shouldn't have to be scared of this. I should have done a better job at staying healthy so I could've prevented this, Logan didn't deserve any of this. Some husband I was, to have him fear for my life while he should've been happy. "Shh, Logie," I mumbled. "I've been thinking about that too, but I just don't know. Please know that I'll always take care of you, I will never leave unless I've made sure you'll be alright. I won't leave you unprepared and unprotected."

His bottom lip trembled and I leaned to kiss him softly, wishing he would feel better. But during our kiss I realized what I had to do to make sure Logan would be happy if I ever died. It made me feel a little better, a little more comfortable, but Logan's cheeks were wet again. "I don't want to be alone," He whispered when I pulled away to look in his eyes. "Please don't leave me alone?"

I bit my lip, staring into his eyes. "I'm trying my hardest, sweetie," I said softly. "And I'm not going to die unless something seriously goes wrong, you heard the doctor saying that. But if I do, I promise you now, I'll make sure you're being taken care of, that you won't be alone. And I'm not sure what happens when a person dies, but I'll find a way to watch over you. Just keep this." I ran my finger over the necklace with the heart with our names on it, then laced my fingers with his and held on tightly.

Logan had his eyes closed and was breathing slowly, trying to calm himself down. "Promise?" He whispered.

"I swear, Logan," I muttered and let my lips linger on his forehead. "Not ever leaving you."

"I want to spend more time with you alone before the surgery," He whispered desperately, "Need to be with you."

I nodded, agreeing with him on this. Logan had to know I loved him more than anything and if this was what he wanted, he would get it. Kissing his temple softly, I moved down to his ear and whispered, "Okay, love."

Logan snuggled into me more and had no intentions of letting me go, even though my family was still in the kitchen. If they walked out they would see us sitting here, though they probably wouldn't care, but I wanted to keep these kind of things private. No one needed to know how scared Logan was unless he or me wanted to inform anyone. Like I was gonna do with James and Carlos to make sure they would look after my Logie in case I died.

"C'mon, sweetie," I said softly. "I'm gonna get you to bed."

Surprisingly, he didn't protest and tiredly climbed off my lap, leaning into me heavily as I helped him walk up the stairs and to our room. Logan just stood still while I took off his clothes and kissed him gently every chance I got. I sat him down on his side of our bed and grabbed the shirt he slept in, but Logan shook his head and reached out for mine, pulling it on before I could help him with it.

The look in his eyes was so helpless. And I had no idea how to make him feel better. "Tell me," I whispered, kneeling down in front of him on the ground to get us at eye level. I grabbed his hands, holding them in mine while stroking with my thumbs over his knuckles. "I don't know anymore, Logan. Tell me what you need and I'll give it to you."

"I just want you," He whispered back. "Don't die. Don't ever leave me. I don't want to lose you when I just have you back."

And that was exactly what I couldn't give to him.

I felt a tear leave my eyes at the hurt it caused, because never before have I not been able to give him exactly what I wanted. For the first time I failed, as a husband, as a lover, as a friend. It hurt even more when I saw Logan's shoulders shaking again, tears leaving his eyes as well when he realized I couldn't promise him this.

Logan was too good for me. He deserved someone better, a person that could promise to stay with him. I was about to get up and leave, go search for someone better to take care of my little Logie, someone worthy enough, when I felt his slender arms slide around my neck and his head coming to rest on my shoulder. "I l-love y-you," He choked out and held onto me almost like he was cradling me, as if he felt like he should make me feel better instead of the other way around. Oh, Logan...

I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him back, inhaling his perfect scent. 'It'll be fine,' I thought as I ran my fingers through his hair. 'I'm going to give Logan exactly what he wants and make him happier than he's ever been.'

"I'm going downstairs to send everyone home," I told Logan quietly. "Stay here, I'll be back in a little while and I'm going to hold you for the rest of the night."

Logan nodded, more tears spilling from his eyes as he watched me walk away, something I knew because I didn't possess the strength to look away from him. He needed me. I saw it in his eyes and felt it in every cell of my body; I had to go back there and make him feel better, for real this time. I had to find a way to insure him I was going to be okay and there was nothing to be afraid of. Not that he would believe me.

I had wanted to take Kegan with me in our bed tonight, to make sure he wasn't getting sicker, but as it looked now it was just going to be me and Logan. Which would probably be better for my little husband, pregnant and emotional and unhappy. God, I needed to hurry this, get everyone out of my house, put Keira to bed, check up on Kegan and then go back to my sweetie and hold him closely. I didn't care it was just 8 at night. He needed this. Logan needed this. I was going to give it to him.

I had no idea how I did it, but twenty minutes later I got everyone to go home and leave us alone. It was kind of an abrupt ending of this evening, but I really didn't care. I would see James and Carlos again tomorrow and if either mom or Katie wanted to talk to me they could call me or stop by anytime. Just not now, I first wanted to settle things with Logan, hopefully get him to be a little less insecure and make him accept that there was a really high chance I was actually going to survive this. I couldn't do that with my whole family around.

I had just put Keira into bed and went downstairs to get Kegan and get him in his bed too. He had still been sleeping on the couch when I went upstairs to get Keira ready, but he was awake now and reached out for me the moment he saw me. "Hey, Kegie," I said softly and picked him up. "Are you a little better?"

He shook his little head. "It hurts, papa," He whispered. His voice sounded awfully raw and dry.

"I know, baby, but you'll feel better soon enough. Daddy's a doctor, he knows that stuff."

"I'm thirsty," He told me, his arms wrapping around my neck.

"You want some cold water then? With ice in it?"

He nodded eagerly and I fixed him some water with ice in a Sippy cup so he could take it with him to bed. Hopefully it would help him sleep tonight. He was lazily sucking on it as I carried him up the stairs and into his room. Kegan didn't realize I was going to make him sleep here until I put him down in his bed and pressed a kiss to his forehead like I did every night. "But I w-wanna sleep with you in the big bed," He whispered. His bottom lip was trembling and his big, brown eyes filled with tears. Damn eyes. It was Logan's fault I couldn't resist my son right now.

Logan was going to hate me when I brought Kegan to our room when I'd promised him we would be alone tonight.

But I couldn't leave Kegan here when he was sick.

A minute later, I carried Kegan into our room and felt so torn when I saw Logan's teary eyes growing sadder. He'd been looking forward to the prospect of being alone with each other for a night, but I'd ruined it by taking Kegan with me. But how was I supposed to choose between my ill son that wanted some of his parents' love and affection and my scared husband who was fearing for my life and wanted to get as much time with me as possible? I couldn't. So I chose Kegan, because children came first. Even when Logan was involved.

I put Kegan down on the bed and he instantly crawled to Logan, wrapping his little arms around Logan's neck. I got in too, spotting the hurt in Logan's eyes. "I'm sorry, Logie," I whispered. "As soon as he's better we'll spend some time together. I promise."

He reached out, his smaller hand taking a hold on my wrist to pull me closer. Logan curled into me the moment he could, hiding his face in my chest. Kegan was squeezed between us, but he obviously didn't mind it since his breathing evened out quickly and he fell asleep. It wasn't long until I felt his tears dripping on my chest. "I love you, Logie," I said quietly. "Don't cry, baby. Please, don't."

"Will y-you t-tell me something?" Logan asked, his voice thick with tears.

"Anything."

"H-how did y-you feel on o-our first d-date?"

I was quiet for a moment. "Why?"

"Because I w-want t-to listen to y-your voice and I want to h-hear y-you s-say you l-l-love m-me," He whispered, never looking up to see my face. Maybe because he was scared, or maybe because he didn't want to face me, but if he'd done it, he would only have seen the tears he caused to form in my eyes and the pure love I felt for him.

So I told him everything he wanted to know, how I remembered that day. What I felt and thought on certain moments, the things that made me smile or laugh. The things he said that melted my heart. I also told him what I thought now, how we were both so young and I often remembered silly things I said that were completely ridiculous, and other things were I knew exactly what I was talking about. Things like my love for a Logan and that it was unconditional, unbreakable and forever.

It took a long time before Logan heard me say the word love enough to stop crying, and even longer until his arms around me relaxed and his breathing evened out, indicating he was asleep. With both my scared husband and ill son looking so peaceful and calm, I felt better as well. I didn't want to see the fear in Logan's eyes or the way Kegan coughed so painfully he almost started crying. They both had to smile and be happy again.

I was sure that Kegan would be fine soon enough, Logan had said so, but that didn't mean it didn't make me feel bad to see him like this. Logan was a whole different story, as he probably wouldn't be happy until he was absolutely sure I was going to stay alive. Which would take until after the surgery, when we knew if I was cancer free or not. It would take even longer if you counted the years after that, because in the first five years I had a higher chance of the cancer coming back. But I wasn't going to allow Logan to stay worried for that long.

And I fell into sleeplessness again. Apparently I hadn't reached my breaking point just yet. It wouldn't take long though, before I was too exhausted to even move. I was going to need Logan then, to look after me for once, like the doctor had explained today, but I wondered if he'd be able to. He was pregnant, going into the fifth month with a considerable bump in his stomach and had two small children to look after. And me.

I slowly turned onto my back. Kegan had clamped himself to my waist and turned with me, sliding off the other side of my stomach and then curled up with his back pressed in my side. Logan automatically moved closer and rested his head on my chest, his arm moving over my middle until his hand was resting on Kegan's shoulder.

I closed my eyes and focused on the two persons sleeping on either side of me. At least they were okay. And Keira too, she was still doing good. And baby Kendall, or Kenzie since we knew she was a girl now, she was fine too. I could be happy with that. Even James and Carlos made up today and they were doing great. My family was okay.

But there was this little piece of me that feared for my own life like Logan did. I didn't want to leave them yet. Not so soon. I wasn't ready to face death and leave my family. I wanted to stay with them and watch all three my children grow up and then grow old with my Logie until neither of us could walk anymore and the only physical contact we had was through handholding, but that was alright because we had a whole life behind us and we were ready to move on.

A few tears escaped my eyes when I realized how scared I was. That it wasn't just Logan and my mother and sister and two friends fearing for my life, but I was, too. I was glad Logan had asked for some time alone with me, that he had realized how much he needed that. And how much I needed that as well. I wouldn't lie to him them. I would tell him I was scared as well and that I didn't know what to do anymore to make this turn out alright.

Because for once, I was out of plans. Something beyond my power would be deciding over my life now and there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to hope and pray and have faith that I would stay right here with my loved ones, that the doctor would perform my surgery well and I wouldn't die.

Just keep hope.

No one realized just how hard that was.

* * *

><p><strong>This is by far the worst chapter I've ever written. It doesn't flow, it doesn't make sense, feelings are all over the place, there's no construction, it's boring, it probably was a pain to read and I don't blame you if you didn't read it at all. I'll try to make the next chapter worth your while...<strong>


	22. Chapter 22

"You awake?" I mumbled in Logan's ear, three weeks after hearing my cancer was in its second stage.

"Yeah," Logan whispered back and gripped my arm tighter so I wouldn't pull it away from him. Not that I was planning on it. He had curled up against my chest, his legs pulled up as far as they could go and my arms were crossed over his chest to keep him closer, not that he would even think about rolling away from me.

It was about 8 in the morning and Keira and Kegan would probably wake up soon. Usually they would go downstairs and watch TV until we got out of bed too and today probably wouldn't be any different, but I still didn't want them to be alone for too long. And they had to be fed as well. But today I wasn't feeling like getting up at all, I was really comfortable with Logan and I rather slept a few more hours.

It had been a week since I got the second and hopefully last Avastin treatment before my surgery and I was so sick. After the first time the only symptoms I'd been sporting was the insomnia and a mild headache. It was nothing compared to what was going on now. I'd been bound to my bed and the couch for a week now, I had a fever that was just a hair from being dangerous and the headache I had was at least ten times as worse as the first one I had. It was awful.

Logan had made me sit down and do nothing all day; not that I could actually do something because I felt too sick and sore to stand for a long time, but he forced me to do nothing. I was really bad at doing nothing, unless it involved Logan as well. With him in my arms I could sit still for hours, no problem.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly. "Any better yet?"

"No," I sighed. "I want this thing out of me."

"It's just a week now, but hopefully it'll get better before that," Logan said soothingly. I knew he felt sorry for me, but I also saw that Logan rather had that I stayed this sick for the rest of my life instead of going into surgery and having a chance I might die. But that would mean my life would be really, really short.

I chose not to voice that. "I know, I'll be fine."

Logan nodded quietly and snuggled a little further under the blanket and into my arms, I responded by pulling him closer. "Kenzie's making back flips," He told me softly and pulled one of my hands to his stomach. "There."

"Awesome," I chuckled when I felt the movement under my hand. "She's gonna be a gymnast like you."

He smiled and linked our fingers over his bump. "We've to paint the nursery soon, now all the old stuff is in the garage and it finally has a window I want to get it done asap."

"I know, Logie, but I can't help you now," I whispered.

"I can do it myself, you know."

"No," I said immediately. "We'll hire someone to do it, or we trap James and Carlos into doing it, but you're not doing any hard work when you're pregnant. It's bad enough you've taken it upon you to take care of me while you should be relaxing and eating and breathing."

Logan glared at me, but didn't protest. I had no idea why not, because usually when I said something like that he would argue with me until I let him do what he wanted or he agreed with me that it wasn't such a good idea. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but I can't have you hurting yourself right now. And I know painting a room isn't dangerous at all, but I rather don't take the risk."

"I know," He whispered. "Just want to do something to take my mind off things."

Of course. He just had to go saying things like that and I would give in faster than a fat kid that was offered ice cream. How was I supposed to say no to him now? "I think Carlos is home today," I said quietly. "If he agrees to help I think it's okay."

"Are you sure?" He asked excitedly.

"Yes, just, don't inhale the paint air and let Carlos do the high places," I told him sternly.

"Promise," He said immediately and turned in my arms until we were chest to chest. Logan wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me sweetly. "I love you."

"I love you too," I mumbled and leaned in to kiss him again, having missed the closeness over the last week. Logan was always close, but he'd been refusing to take things further than a few kisses because I felt so sick and he didn't want to make it worse. It didn't matter how often I told him he was making the pain go away by distracting me with making out, he just didn't let me.

But he obviously had forgotten about it, because he was eagerly moving with me and pressed closer to me. I put my hands on his back, running my nails over his spine. He gasped and tangled his fingers in my hair, tugging and pulling until I growled and pulled away from him mouth, moving on to his neck. "Kendall," He panted, "Kendall, no, s-stop."

"No," I mumbled, rolling over until I was on top of him. "Want you." I leaned in to kiss him again, pouring as much love into it as I could. Logan sighed into it and put his hands on my arms, moving them to the back of my neck where he started to play with my hair again. I nibbled on his bottom lip, loving the sounds he was making.

"Ow, Kegan! That hurts!" Keira whined.

"You can't have my tiger!"

"But I have a tea party and you're not playing with it!"

"I am playing with it now!"

"Don't pull my hair- Ow, Kegan, Ow!"

"Damn it," I growled and got out of bed. Evil children ruined my one chance on spending some quality time with Logan; with that I meant making out, or maybe something a bit more. "What's going on?"

Apparently I looked really angry, because both my children immediately shut up and looked up at me fearfully. Kegan pulled his hands out of his sisters curls and looked at the ground guiltily. "Why were you pulling Keira's hair, Kegan?"

"She stole my tiger and didn't ask me!"

"Were you playing with it?"

He shuffled with his feet. "No, papa," He whispered.

"So you hurt your sister because she wanted to play with a stuffed animal that you weren't even using at the moment?"

"But it's my tiger," He said quietly.

"Keira should've asked you first, that is true, but you cannot use violence. If she takes something from you without asking, you come to daddy or me, or you ask her to give it back. Do you understand me?"

He nodded timidly, still staring at the floor. "Good. Then go to your room until someone comes to get you for breakfast."

I waited until he was in his room and had the door closed before turning to my daughter. "And you should know better than to take something without asking, Keira. You know you can't do that."

She nodded and came closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Wait, since when was she tall enough to reach my stomach? "I'm sorry, papa."

"I know, baby. Tell Kegan that too when he gets out of his room, okay?" She nodded and I petted her hair, feeling the familiar nausea and the headache of standing up too long coming back. "Go get dressed, sweetheart. Daddy will go down with you for breakfast soon."

"'Kay."

Keira went to her room and I stumbled back to mine, hoping Logan was still in bed so I could cuddle up to him and get babied until I felt better. But my bed was empty when I returned and shower noises were coming from the bathroom. Sighing, I fell down on my bed and pulled the blankets over my head. At least I'd been able to stand for ten whole minutes, that was progress compared to the last few days.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

><p>Logan and I had had brief talks with James and Carlos about our current situation, but for some reason things kept distracting us and now we still hadn't had the conversation we were supposed to have. We had to tell them everything that has happened in San Diego, and they had to tell us everything that was going on with the stalker and the pictures.<p>

Luckily, James and Carlos made up the night they came back here and as far as we knew they didn't fight again. I assumed everything was okay between me and Carlos as well, because he talked and acted around me normally again. I should probably still apologize to him sometime, but I hadn't been able to do that since I was sick.

There were something else I had to worry about. I had a rare blood group. Well, not rare. O negative was just difficult, because it was the only blood group that could not receive blood from any other group. Therefore, they had to find a blood donor for me before the surgery, or the surgery would be pushed away for two more weeks, which meant I had to have another treatment with Avastin, something I wanted to prevent at all costs.

I was sick enough already, I didn't want to get even worse. Though it was probably worth it if I wouldn't die.

And Logan and I still had to tell Keira and Kegan I was going into surgery next week because I had cancer, but we had no idea how to tell them this. There just was no easy way and I didn't want to scare them. I was fairly certain I would stay alive, so I didn't want to worry them unless I was certain there was something to worry about. If that made sense.

I did know we had to tell them something. The doctor had told me I had to stay in the hospital for at least a week and after that I had to stay in bed and rest as much as possible to strengthen, but I would feel weak and tired until my body had learned how to live with one kidney, which might take over two months. I couldn't possibly hide that from my children.

I had to tell them.

Currently, they were playing tag with Lizzy in the garden, where I was watching them. When I woke up, feeling horrible once again, Logan helped me get downstairs and after begging him for ten minutes he allowed me to lie outside on a stretcher, wrapped in two blankets and in plain few of the window of the nursery, so Logan could watch me.

Kegan and Keira had apologized to each other and the incident of this morning was forgotten, though I was still a little annoyed that I didn't get to finish my make out session with Logan. Sighing, I turned back to my children and watched them run around. I wished I could play with them, but of course I couldn't. I had cancer. Bleh.

Carlos was very happy when Logan called him and asked if he was feeling like painting the nursery today. The two of them went to the store together and bought yellow paint; Logan wanted pink, but we couldn't do that. If we painted the walls pink, our whole family would immediately know we were having a girl. We knew, but we didn't want anyone else to know yet. After we'd talked briefly, the two of them went upstairs and started working.

I was surprised. I didn't know why, but Carlos and Logan had always been the worst match out of the four of us. That they were getting along so well felt strange, not bad, just strange. I wondered what they talked about and why they suddenly got along better than before. It wasn't that they weren't friend; they had been the best of friends, but it always seemed they were lesser friends than Carlos and me or James and me or James and Logan. Oh well, I was just glad they were getting tighter now.

"Hey papa," Keira said cheerfully as she climbed next to me onto the stretcher.

"Hi Keke. Are you done playing?"

She nodded. "Are you really sick?"

"Yes, but I'll get better really soon."

"Are you as sick as Kegan was?"

Worse. Way worse. "Yeah, something like that, honey."

"Okay."

I ran my hand through her hair and put my hand on her stomach, rubbing slowly. My little girl. She was growing so fast. "Where's daddy?"

"He's upstairs painting the nursery with Carlos."

"Oh! Can I see it?" She asked excitedly.

"It's not done yet, sweetheart, but you can take a look if you want."

She grinned, climbed off the stretcher and ran into the house. I watched her go, a little sad she didn't stay with me a little longer. Maybe I could trick Kegan into coming to cuddle with me... No, that was unfair. He was having a lot of fun with Lizzy and I didn't want to ruin it. Being sick was lonely...

I sighed and turned onto my side, grimacing at the bright flash of pain that tortured my head. I closed my eyes, that helped a bit, but I still felt awful. Worse than ever before in my life. I wanted this over with, get the fucking kidney out of my body and move on. Even though it would still take two more months until I completely recovered, I would be glad when the cancer was out of my body, because then it could only get better.

I heard laughing coming from the open window of the nursery and felt my mood dropping even more. I had never excluded like this before, it was always someone else that had to watch from the sideline, never me. It was hard, I wanted to have fun too, laugh with Logan and Carlos and just do something instead of lying around all day. I wasn't good with that, I was an active person, I had to do something.

I hated this.

A light breeze blew over me and I was suddenly glad for all the blankets. I was cold, the sun was shining and there were no clouds, it must be at least over a 90 degrees, but I was still cold. Great.

"Papa, papa, papa!" Kegan yelled to get my attention.

I opened my eyes, finding him right in front of me. "What's up?"

"Can we get a cookie?" He asked, Lizzy nodded eagerly.

"Sure, and Kegan can you..." They ran when they heard the word 'sure' and didn't listen to what I was saying. "... Bring me an apple?" I sighed and closed my eyes again. Logan would hopefully come check on me soon and I would just guilt trip him into staying with me.

I needed some company.

It came ten minutes later and I'd probably been drifting off because I didn't notice her being there until she patted my cheek. "Papa," Keira whispered. "Are you sleeping?"

"No, baby. I'm awake," I mumbled, not opening my eyes. She probably wanted a cookie too and was going to leave as soon as she asked. There was no point in making an effort.

"I got this for you," She said shyly.

I opened my eyes now, surprised. She was holding a cup with orange juice. I smiled at her and sat up, it hurt terribly, but I didn't care. Keira was here for me. "Thank you, Keke," I said happily when she gave me the cup. I used my other hand to help her on the stretcher.

"Daddy already has one wall painted. It's all yellow!"

"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna check up on them later."

"I can make my rabbits do tricks, you wanna see it, papa?"

"Sure, baby. Go get them."

Keira grinned and ran to the cage that was on the other side of the garden in the grass. The two bunnies said together in the shadow, lazily chewing on some grass. Keira picked the white one up and walked back to me and put it down in my lap. I quickly gripped the little animal when it tried to jump off me and stroked the fur to sooth it. Compared to Keira who was the only one that ever held them I was probably scary.

Keira came back with the other bunny and put it on the ground. I was surprised when it didn't run away. "Look papa!"

She put her hand above the rabbit's head and it immediately turned it to sniff her hand, but Keira raised it slowly higher and higher until the bunny had to stand on its back legs to reach it. Keira continued until it was balancing on its feet. I smiled, "That's really cool, Keke."

She showed me more tricks she did with them, until Kegan and Lizzy came to her and asked her to join their game of hide and seek. They left and I was once again left alone; Keira even brought the rabbit that had been sitting in my lap back to its cage.

Sighing, I decided it was time to do something about my loneliness myself. I was going to Logan and Carlos and talk with them. I carefully got up and was surprised when my head didn't start spinning immediately. Wrapping my blankets around me, I started shuffling to the back door and it wasn't until I reached the kitchen that I started to feel dizzy.

I took a break at the kitchen table, resting my head on the flat wooden surface for several minutes as I waited for the spinning and throbbing to disappear. This is how I'd been moving around the house for the last week. When I felt good enough, I got up again and started the most dreaded part of my journey; the stairs.

It usually took me three minutes; one to get the first half done, then one to calm down and the last one for the rest of the stairs. It was no different this time.

When I finally got upstairs, I dragged myself towards the closed door of the nursery and paused when I heard Logan say my name. They were talking about me? Interesting. "... always so protective. I can drive a car when I'm pregnant!"

"You really don't have anything to complain about then, Logan. He loves you and he loves your baby, he just wants to make sure nothing happens to you. No, James, he doesn't even let me wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. _That_is annoying."

"That's just James being James, he wants to have a presentable husband, not one that wears a pair of old, dirty shoes."

"Hey! I happen to love those shoes, they're comfy."

"You know what's really comfortable? Kendall rubbing your feet every night because he thinks they're sore after a day, but I'm not even that pregnant yet."

Carlos laughed. "You're evil."

"He insists on it! I'm not going to turn it down when he really wants to do it."

"You know he's way too soft on you, right?" Carlos said then, his voice serious now.

"I know," Logan sighed. "I tried telling him it's not good to be this attached to one person, but I don't think he cares about that. He's too selfless. He once said he wasn't happy unless I'm happy."

Carlos awwed and I swore I could feel his cheeks heating up all the way from here. "That's actually really sweet and something I can imagine everyone feeling about his or her partner."

"It's different with him, Carlos, you know what I mean."

"I actually do, though I don't know if you could do anything about it."

"I don't even want to do anything about it, he's perfect and doesn't need to be changed. It just worries me, because I fear that if something happens to me, he'll do himself something 'cause he's going to think it's his fault."

Carlos was silent for a while. "Yeah, that sucks."

Logan sighed and changed the subject. "So how is your work going? Did they decide if they're going to continue for another season?"

This seemed to be the right moment to interfere. I'd heard a lot of things I had to think about, but I would do that later. "Hi guys," I said casually when I opened the door.

They exchanged quick glance, relieve written on their faces that I didn't come in earlier and heard them talking about me. But Logan quickly turned back to me, his expression now worriedly. "Are you okay? Why aren't you lying down?"

_Because I was lonely and wanted to see you and talk with you and Carlos_. I shrugged. "I got bored."

"You could've called, we wanted to come down soon anyway because it's lunch time and I would've helped you to the kitchen."

"I got all the way up here myself, you know. I can walk to the kitchen as well, no problem."

From the corner of my eye I saw Carlos biting his lip, but still the grin was very evident on his face. Logan saw it too and glared at him. "Just go to the kitchen then, we'll follow once we got these gloves off." He kissed me and then turned away from me, a clear sign I should leave and do as he said.

"He's not the only one who's overprotective," Carlos mumbled.

"He has fucking cancer, Carlos! Of course I'm worried!"

"And you're having his child, your responsible for its life, isn't he allowed to be overprotective just as much?"

_Thank you, Carlos.__  
><em>  
>I managed to get down to the kitchen faster than I got upstairs, in one go, but I had to sit down and close my eyes for a while. When Logan and Carlos came downstairs, they were bickering about something again but it wasn't interesting enough to listen to. Logan put his hands on my shoulders and rubbed carefully, probably trying not to move me around too much.<p>

"I'll go find the kids," Carlos said, probably glad at the chance to flee us. He left quickly.

"Are you okay? Feeling any better yet?" Logan asked hopefully.

"If anything it has gotten worse, not better," I muttered, reaching up to touch his hands on my shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," He whispered, but everything told me he wasn't fine. He was worried and scared.

Before I could ask further though, children ran into the kitchen, followed by a grinning Carlos. "I'm so hungry I could eat three little children all at once!"

"I'll make lunch, wouldn't want you to eat those children. They don't even taste good," Logan said and walked away from me. I already missed him.

* * *

><p>After lunch, Logan brought me to the couch in the living room and ordered me to go to sleep, or at least lay still and call him if I needed something -I definitely wasn't going to do that, he was already doing way too much stuff for me.<p>

So I just laid around and thought about what Logan and Carlos had said to each other. Maybe it was a little bit true. I loved Logan too much, it just wasn't something I was ever going to chance. I loved him and I wanted to give him anything he ever wanted, make sure his world was filled with happiness. It was how I made sure he stayed, because I took care of him.

I realized fully well that Logan was my biggest weakness, but at the same time he was my biggest strength. It was because of him I was able to fight this, without him I wouldn't nearly have been as positive as I was now. I could do this because he wanted me to stay and Logan's wishes were my first priority. No, second. Right after the safety of my children.

I jumped out of my thought when my phone went off; why would Logan call me now? He'd just seen me two minutes ago!

But it wasn't Logan.

"Kendall!" A voice shouted in my phone.

"Dak? Dude, you don't have to yell!"

He ignored me completely. "Katie's in labor!"

"No shit! Are you guys at the hospital? Does mom know already?"

"Yeah, Jennifer is here, but you guys have to come too. Apparently Katie wants to have Logan here? Something about experience."

"Right, okay. We'll be there, what room is she in?"

"Uh... 356. Please hurry."

"Of course, bye."

"Bye."

I started grinning widely when I realized I was gonna be an uncle in a few hours. "Logan! Carlos! Get your asses down here!" I shouted.

The two of them were down in ten seconds, Logan immediately in front of me. "Kendall, are you okay? You shouldn't be standing."

"I'm okay, Logie, but we have to go to the hospital right now."

"What! Why? Are the kids alright?"

"Everyone's fine, Katie's gone into labor."

"Really?" Logan grinned excitedly and pulled away. "I'm gonna change into clothes that aren't covered in paint and then we can go."

"Hurry, okay? Katie asked for you."

Logan turned back to me, confused. "Why?"

"Dak said something about Katie wanting a person with experience there?"

Logan flushed. "Jennifer's there, right? Why would she want me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, you did have two children," Carlos said obviously.

The glare Logan sent him was so nasty I flinched, but Carlos didn't even blink. "Yeah, you can glare, but that doesn't make it less true."

I bit my lip to keep back my smile while Carlos smirked innocently. "I hate you," Logan hissed and stomped away.

"It's so much fun to piss him off," Carlos chuckled. "I'm gonna go home and change too. Can you get Lizzy ready too?"

"Sure."

He left and I started my search for the children, finding all three of them outside again. Keira was drawing and Kegan and Lizzy were playing games on their Nintendos. "Alright, kids. We gotta go."

"Where are we going?" Lizzy asked curiously.

"To the hospital. Auntie Katie is having her baby."

The girls squealed and Kegan grinned. "Come on, take those toys with you because this might take a while and go sit in the car."

The three of them ran back in the house, to the car and I followed them slowly, realizing I had been standing and walking around for way too long. My head was throbbing and I felt beads of sweat on my forehead, even my back was starting to hurt again. I wondered how I was going to do this at the hospital.

"You okay?" Logan asked worriedly when he came downstairs, now wearing clean clothes.

I shook my head, leaning against the wall to keep myself from falling; my head was spinning, black spots invaded my vision. "Come, sit down," Logan said softly and put his hands on my shoulders, pushing me down gently. He sank to his knees next to me and put his arm around my shoulders, I rested my head on his shoulder. After a few minutes of just sitting still and slowly breathing in and out, inhaling Logan's scent, my head stopped spinning and the black spots disappeared from my eyes.

"Better," I sighed and sat up slowly to not upset my head. "Can't stand for too long."

"Here," Logan said, showing me the sweatshirt he was holding. "Put this on, can't have you taking all those blankets."

I nodded and pulled it over my head, feeling a little better already. "Do I look really awful?" I asked him, gesturing to my sweatpants and face.

"It's obvious you're not feeling well," He said softly, running his fingers over the bags under my eyes. "I probably can't get you to stay home and sleep, right?"

I shook my head, but quickly stopped when I started feeling nauseous. Logan bit his lip and put both his arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. "Stupid, stubborn idiot," He muttered in my ear.

"Love you too, sweetie," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist. "I'll be fine."

"You better," He whispered back and pulled away. "Don't leave me."

"Never." I cupped his cheek and pulled him, kissing him hard. "We're making love tonight," I told him. "I don't care what you say, we have a week left and I'm not gonna wait until I'm better, because who knows how long that might take."

Logan didn't protest and leaned in to kiss me again, softly this time. I was about to deepen it when the front door opened. "Guys! Are you coming or what?"

"Coming!" Logan yelled back. He crawled back on his feet and held his hand out for me, but I ignored it. He was pregnant, couldn't have him hurting his back by pulling me up. Logan took the blankets from me and folded them, then put one on a chair and held the other on his arm. "Do you need anything else?"

"I want to eat something," I said weakly. "I'm not hungry at all, but I'll hopefully feel a little better."

He nodded and went to the fridge, taking out an apple and a bottle of water. Finally my desired apple. We went outside where Carlos and the children were waiting next to my car, the only car big enough to transport six people. "You gotta drive," I told Carlos and threw the keys at him. "I'll cause an accident."

He smiled pitifully and went to the driver's seat. I sat in the passenger's seat and Logan and the children sat in the back. "I called James," Carlos told us when we were out the street. "He can't get away now, but he'll be there as soon as he can. Did Dak say how far Katie was along? Do we have time?"

"I've no idea, he told us to hurry, but that is probably because Katie demanded Logan to be there and she's a bitch when she wants something."

Carlos and Logan chuckled. "And she's pregnant, that makes it even worse," Carlos said casually.

"Maybe you should shut up, Carlos, before kick you some place special that makes you unable to have any children," Logan said sweetly.

I glanced in the mirror and sighed in relieve when I saw the children having a discussion of their own and they weren't paying attention to us. To my surprise, Carlos just chuckled. "Go ahead. James and I already took care of that."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"There was a point in time we were thinking about a surrogate to have children, so we put some stuff in a cup and had it frozen." I nodded thoughtfully. They never told us that. "So go ahead and kick me, Logan. I don't care."

"It's no fun anymore," Logan pouted.

I remembered something. "Now we're on that subject anyway, how does that work for you? Like, we know it works one way, but does it work the other way as well?"

Logan stared at me. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on, Logan! He's asking if can reproduce with your male parts as well as with your female parts."

Logan grimaced at the word female, but then shook his head. "No, just one way. It's kinda strange, because that's the main characteristic of hermaphrodites, but it's not working that way with me."

"Then that's settled, you're obviously more female than male."

"You really have to shut up now," Logan hissed, clearly pissed off.

Carlos was wise enough to keep his mouth shut for the rest of ride to the hospital and Logan continued to glare at him every once in a while. I seriously didn't get it anymore, one hour ago they were happily gossiping about me and now they were fighting. It was a strange, strange friendship.

We reached the hospital and all got out of the car. Unfortunately, Carlos had parked far away from the hospital and we had to walk quite a while. It wasn't long until I felt my head throbbing again and my legs started feeling weak and wobbly. "Logan," I said quietly, gripping onto the nearest thing to keep standing.

He stopped walking and went back to me, quickly wrapping his arm around my torso to help me stand. Carlos had stopped walking too and watched us worriedly. "Kendall, just breath," Logan said urgently. "Come on, slowly, just like that. Carlos, you can go with the kids, I can handle this."

Our friend left, though I could barely see him through the black spots. After a few minutes I felt strong enough to walk again, so we did, slowly. We had to pause a few times, but eventually we made it to the elevator. "I'm going to find a room for you," Logan said determined. "You need to sleep."

"I wanna see Katie first," I muttered, too weak to protest. I knew he was right anyway.

"I'm going to bring you to her room and you can sit there until I found an empty bed for you."

I nodded and allowed Logan to guide me to a room at the end of the corridor; of course. He looked through the window next to the door and deemed it safe enough to go in. "Finally!" Katie snapped, "You're late."

Logan ignored her and led me further into the room, to a chair. At that moment, sitting was the best feeling in the world. "You look horrible," Katie commented.

"Thanks," I mumbled and hid my face in my hands, placing my elbows on my knees.

"Okay, I'm going to get you a room; or at least a bed." Logan kissed my cheek and left.

The next moment I felt hands on my shoulder, rubbing gently. "Poor baby," Mom said pitifully. It felt good to get some love from my mother and I let her until I heard Katie gasped and whimpered. Mom rushed to her side to help her through the contraction and her hands were replaced by little ones on my knees.

"Hey babies," I said happily, my smile faltering at the sight of Keira's and Kegan's big, sad eyes. I put my arms around them and lifted them each on a leg, holding them close.

"When are you going to get better?" Kegan asked sadly.

"Soon, baby. Don't worry about me." He nodded and leaned against my chest. Keira leaned up and kissed my cheek, before cuddling into me as well. I slowly rubbed their backs while I waited for Logan to come back. Luckily Katie wasn't ready to push yet, because I wasn't able to carry my children out of the room. Or even walk myself. "I love you, babies."

"Logie love, papa," Two little voices mumbled, melting my heart.

A few minutes later Logan came back, just when Katie was having another contraction. "You! Stay here so you can help me!"

"I will, Katie, but first I have to bring Kendall away," He said calmly. Katie didn't look happy with that information at all, but she wasn't able to say anything because of the pain. "Carlos, can you take the children out of here before things get... Ugly?"

"Sure, come Lizzy, Kegan, Keira, we'll go get some ice cream and wait for James to come."

They left and Logan helped me on my feet. "See you later," I said halfheartedly and followed Logan out, he took my hand and we slowly walked to a room on the other side of the corridor.

"It's not an empty room, there's another lady, but she doesn't mind if you are there."

"Okay." The woman in question was sleeping and Logan pulled me to the bed, pushing me down on it. "Just sleep, okay?" He said softly. "I want to go home with you tonight, not leave you here because you're too sick."

I nodded and laid down. "Stay with me?"

"But Katie..."

"I need you now," I whispered. "Don't go, Logie."

He nodded and climbed next to me onto the bed, Logan pulled the blankets up and I wrapped my arms around his torso, hiding my face in his chest. His bump was pressed against my chest and I put my hand on it, hoping little Kendall was awake and would give me a few kicks, but if not I was content just lying like that. Logan's hands were in my hair, petting it soothingly.

It helped. Logan always made me feel better and today was no exception. I could have my weak moment as well, right? And I needed him to make me feel better. He started humming, I didn't know what song, and it helped clear my head and pushed the cold away. Logan was warm and soft and his scent was like the strongest painkiller. It wasn't long before I drifted off and Logan never left, he stroked my hair and hummed until I fell asleep.

* * *

><p>It seemed only a few minutes later when I felt soft pushing against my back. "... sure he isn't unconscious?"<p>

"No, baby, see he's waking up."

I turned onto my bed and opened my eyes just a little bit to see James and Carlos standing next to my bed. "Whassup?" I mumbled sleepily.

"Man, you look terrible, Kendall," James said worriedly. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, but sat up anyway and immediately felt the headache coming back. "I feel like shit. Why did you wake me up?"

"Katie had her baby, but Logan won't let anyone into that room until you're there too. He's been checking up on you every half hour for the last eight hours, he's worried sick because you didn't wake up."

I smiled a little, both because of the baby and because Logan thought about me while he was helping Katie to have her baby. "Alright, let's go see that baby." I slid off the bed and swayed on my feet for a moment, then started falling forward. I would've fallen if it wasn't for James and Carlos who grabbed me and pulled me back up.

"Still a little light in the head," I joked, but one look at their faces told me they didn't think it was funny. They were just as scared as Logan was. Their fearless leader that always had a solution to everything and was now so ill he couldn't stand on his own legs. Yeah, that must be so much fun to watch.

They both put an arm around me and slowly led me out of the room, back to Katie's. The children were sitting in some chairs, playing on their little electronic devices. I stopped walking when the black spots returned to my eyes and my chest tightened, squeezing most of the air out of my lungs. "Shit," James mumbled when he saw me gasping for air. He put his arm under my knees and carried me to Katie's room, Carlos following closely.

It was all faint, until James put me down in a chair and Logan was there, talking to me softly and rubbing my back until everything slowly started to feel better. The ropes were pulled from my chest, the spots disappeared, my head stopped throbbing. Someone gave Logan the blanket he brought with him from home and he wrapped it around me, the warmth helped reducing the overall pain I felt. Another person came up to us with a glass of water and Logan helped me drink it.

When I felt I was over that sudden attack of pain I looked up, meeting six intensely worried gazes. I was just happy the children weren't in the room yet. Mom was standing next to Katie's bed, her hand clasped over her mouth as she was clearly trying not to cry. Katie was sitting up in bed, looking exhausted and happy and sad at the same time; she was holding a little blue bundle. I had a nephew.

Dak, James and Carlos all looked torn, as if they hadn't decided yet if they felt happy for Katie or worried and sad because of me. Though Dak was obviously more happy than sad, something I could imagine feeling in his position. He just got father, he had a son; everything else was minor to that and you were blinded by the happiness and pride you were feeling.

Logan was right in front of me, crouching down so he could reach me better. Tears were swimming in his eyes and he looked terrified, his hands were gripping my knees so tightly they were likely going to bruise. I quickly looked away from him before tearing up myself at the mere thought of Logan fearing for my life so bad. "I'm fine now," I said softly. "Thanks, James."

He nodded as an answer and then turned to Katie going up to her to admire. James effectively distracted the rest of the people too and I had time to focus on Logan, who's eyes were burning holes in my face from staring so hard. "I'm okay, sweetie," I whispered and took one of his hands off my knees.

Logan shook his head in disbelieve and climbed in my lap, his arms wrapped around my neck and he buried his face in my shoulder. "You scared me," He whispered in my ear. "First you lie in that bed for eight hours, unmoving, while Katie demanded all my attention. Then when you did wake up, James carries you into the room half-dead."

Logan's voice was quivering and I put my arms around his waist. "It's only when I walk, sweetie. I feel fine now."

"You still look awful," He whispered quietly. "Please, be careful, Kendall."

I nodded and nuzzled my nose in his hair. "What time is it?" I mumbled.

"It's eight pm. Baby was born half an hour ago."

"It's a boy, right?" I looked over at Katie's bed, but she was now surrounded by Keira, Kegan and Lizzy so I couldn't see anything.

"Yeah, we have a nephew. I think Katie called him Kevin earlier, but she and Dak didn't confirm the name yet."

I grimaced when I heard the name. "Do you know where that name comes from?"

Logan shook his head and pulled away to look at me, but kept his arms around my neck.

"That was my father's name."

Logan smiled sadly. "I already figured something like that from the way you reacted."

I smiled back at Logan and saw some of the tension leaving his body. I didn't really understand why Katie wanted to name her baby after our father, but I wasn't against it. It was just strange, since she'd only been a baby when he died and she couldn't possibly remember him. I did, vaguely, because I had been six. Though I never felt the urge to name any of my children after my parents, but maybe Katie thought it was different.

"I wanna see the new kid," I told Logan. "Can you help me get there?"

"How about I bring the baby over here? I rather not have you fainting when you're holding him."

"Whatever makes you feel better, love."

Logan grinned and kissed me quickly before climbing off my lap. Two minutes later he had managed to take the baby from Katie who didn't really want to let go of him yet, and brought him to me. "God, he looks like Katie," Logan said as he gently laid the baby in my arms. He was a big baby. Well, compared to Keira and Kegan, who both had been small due to being carried by a man who just didn't have as much room for a baby as a female did. And Kegan was born prematurely, of course.

He looked exactly like Katie, except from small details that were obviously Dak's. I looked up to see Katie staring at us and smiled at her, she smiled back, but her eyes flickered towards her baby and I realized she wanted to have him back. So I nudged Logan who brought our nephew back to his mother. Oh, wow. It was so weird to think of Katie as a mother.

After the baby had been passed around and held by everyone, Katie announced his name, which was indeed Kevin. She met my eyes and looked at me pleadingly, as if she wanted my permission or something. I smiled, telling her I didn't have a problem with that name at all. Then Dak sent us all away, saying Katie and Kevin needed rest and only mom was allowed to stay.

We went home. Carlos took my car and all the children, while James drove me and Logan home -I still didn't want him to drive, too bad he didn't like it. Keira and Kegan were both fussy and Logan had great difficulty getting them ready for bed. It was so bad, I had to get out of bed and threaten my children into behaving like this morning. I never had to discipline them twice on one day before, maybe they were effect by this mixed up situation more than I'd thought. Or maybe they crossed my lines earlier because I was sick and wanted them to stop making all that noise.

Logan brought them to bed and came into the bathroom, where I was already brushing my teeth. "Let's take a bath," He said softly and tugged on my hand. He guided me to the other bathroom with the bathtub and turned on the water, before he turned back to me. Logan helped me undress and then helped me climb into the tub.

The warm water felt great on my damp skin and I raised the temperature, knowing that this water was too cold for me and my fever. I watched Logan undress and welcomed him with open arms, eager to finally have him safely in my arms again after this long day. He leaned back against my chest, rested his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. I followed his example, folding my arms over his stomach to keep him against me and I closed my eyes.

I didn't forget what I said about love making earlier today. I just wasn't up for it at that moment. The great Kendall Knight turned down sex. That had to be a first. I was just too tired and sick and it probably wouldn't be pleasurable for either of us. However, just lying in the warm water was extremely pleasurable.

"Water makes Kenzie feel a lot lighter," Logan mumbled about ten minutes later.

"Are you having back pain again?" I asked worriedly. "I told you you shouldn't be doing so much heavy work."

"No, it doesn't hurt, Kendall. It's just, I don't notice the weight being there until it's take away, you know?"

I nodded and kissed his neck softly. "Still. Take it easy, okay?" I whispered, "Don't hurt yourself for Kenzie, or for me."

"Promise," He said softly.

I kissed his cheek and started running my hands over his stomach, enjoying the feeling of his bump. Our baby was in there, little Kendall. "I heard you talking with Carlos today," I mumbled before I knew what I was doing.

Logan tensed up. "What part?"

"Right before I came into the room, when you complained about me being overprotective."

"Kendall, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have told Carlos about that, I should've just told you instead."

"It's okay, sweetie, I heard the other stuff you said too, about me being perfect and you don't wanting me to change."

Logan chuckled. "Of course you did."

"I just feel better knowing that you know I overheard you talking and I don't mind you talking to Carlos or James about things, everyone needs someone to talk to every once in a while."

Logan turned around and straddled my thighs, before leaning in for a kiss. "You really are perfect," He mumbled, then attached our lips again. We kissed for a while, not really searching for a winner, just enjoying the feeling of our lips together.

"You're perfectest," I told him when he pulled away.

"That's not even a word," He brought in, but smiled happily.

"It is now. Deal with it, Logie."

"I think I can do that," He said softly and leaned forward to rest his head on my shoulder. I wrapped him tightly in my arms and kissed the top of his head.

For now, life was good.

* * *

><p><strong>So yeah, that's it for the next three weeks! I promise I'll update the moment I can, which will probably be the 18<strong>**th**** or 19****th**** of August. I'm off to Barcelona now! Adios!**


	23. Chapter 23

**I'm back with the worst chapter ever! Who's happy?**

* * *

><p>The four of us were sitting at the table in our house, right after dinner. James and Carlos had a dinner at Carlos' work and they would come over later to talk. First, Logan and I had to tell our children what was going to happen tomorrow. We had postponed it to the absolute last moment, when we really had to tell them.<p>

And we still had to talk with James and Carlos about the pictures. For a month it had been impossible. I was constantly at the hospital, either for myself or for Logan's check ups with Dr. Young. Then I'd gotten so sick it was impossible to discus something as serious as that; I got dizzy sitting up for too long and the other half of the time I was sleeping. Logan refused to put anymore stress on me and had a pretty big fight about it with James a few days ago.

Mary-Alice and the stalker were rapidly becoming pretty sensitive subjects. Understandably, James and Carlos were more worried about it than we were. I got why, Lizzy was their child and they wanted to keep her safe at all costs, and Mary-Alice... Of course they wanted to find her too. The sister of their daughter. If Lizzy asked about her family ten years from now, they could impossibly tell her she had a sister walking around somewhere, but that they never took the effort to find her. That was horrible.

I was sure Logan understood that too, but at the moment nothing was more important to him than my life. Again, that was something I understood. I still put his life above everything else too. This all caused quite a situation. Logan tried his hardest to keep anything stressed related away from me, while James and Carlos wanted to talk to us about what was on their hearts.

And I just kept quiet and watched it all happen, while everyone tried to do what they thought was best.

It worried me, because I needed James and Carlos to look after Logan if anything happened to me during the surgery -not that anything would happen to me. The doctor had assured me everything would go fine. He'd done this at least twenty times already and he wasn't worried about it. My tumor was right inside my kidney and didn't spread anywhere else, they only had to take it out and make sure I didn't bleed to much. Blood would complicate things.

The hospital had found a donor for me. I don't know who or when or where, but I was grateful. Now I could get this over with as soon as possible, and I didn't have to have another Avastin treatment. Yesterday was the first day I was starting to feel better again and today I had been able to play a full game of Chutes and Ladders with Keira and Kegan. It had been great.

A week after my operation Keira and Kegan were going to school again and by that time I hoped to be home again. I didn't want to stay there any longer than was absolutely necessary. Logan and my children would be at home while I was there and it didn't feel good. I wanted to be with them and make sure each of them was safe and healthy. How could I do that when I was ten miles away?

"Kegan, wait a minute. Papa and I have to tell you something," Logan said nervously when Kegan wanted to get off the table and continue the video game he'd been playing. He sat back in his chair and looked at us expectantly.

Logan looked at me and I realized he wanted me to continue, not that I had any idea of what to say to my children. "Uh, I've been a little sick the past few weeks, do you remember?"

Both Keira and Kegan nodded.

"Well, tomorrow I have to go to a doctor that's going to make me better, but I have to stay in the hospital for a few days."

"Are you really, really sick?" Kegan asked with big eyes and I smiled a little. When he'd asked what Logan did for work, I told him he made sick children better. Then he'd asked if he was their daddy too, because according to him only 'daddies' could make children better. But then I'd explained him that really, really sick children went to a hospital because their parents didn't know what to do anymore. He'd clearly remembered that.

"Yes, I'm a little really, really sick," I said calmly and purposely didn't look at Logan. He would surely disagree with me about the 'little' part.

"Is daddy going to make you better?"

"No, Kegie. Daddy only helps children, I go to another doctor."

"Is he going to make you better?" He asked again, this time a little more angrily.

"Yes, he'll make me better, but it might take a while before I'm okay again."

Kegan accepted that and stopped talking. Keira was quietly staring ahead of her and I realized she understood how serious this was better than Kegan did, who probably thought I would be back the day after tomorrow to play soccer with him. "Alright, you guys can go now."

Kegan quickly left and Keira followed him slowly. If she had something to say, she would wait until she had me or Logan alone before doing so. Logan had gotten up too and was filling the dishwasher, his head clearly in other places too.

We'd spent a few hours on the beach together today, just the two of us. Keira and Kegan went to my mother to swim in the Palm Woods pool and Logan got what he'd begged me for that morning; time with me alone. Originally we planned on going to 2J, because Katie was there and she and my mother wanted to see me too before the surgery. And tonight we were going to talk to James and Carlos.

But Logan was more important and spending a few hours with him today was something I wanted a million times more than facing my mother and sister, who would make me feel even more nervous. Logan distracted me from my nerves because he was so scared; he took my mind off the surgery.

We'd gone to Logan's quiet spot and just sat there, Logan in between my legs and leaning into my chest, while I just held him close and kissed his hair every few minutes or whispered something sweet in his ear. "What if you die?" He whispered after an hour.

"You stay strong," I'd told him, "And trust James and Carlos to help you when you need it. But I won't die, sweetie. I'm staying right here with you."

"Don't leave me alone," He'd whispered and it was silent for a long time. I had given up on promising things; after all I had no idea if I would make it or not. That I told Logan I would was just to calm him down.

After another hour Logan had probably decided he wanted to make the most of it and pressed his lips to mine. We laid there and kissed for a long time, but then we realized we had to go. Logan got tears in his eyes when I let go of him, which made me pull him closer again to comfort him.

He hadn't said a word to me since we got home, but I wasn't worried about it because he ran his fingers over my shoulder every time he past me, squeezed my hand under the table and rubbed his feet against mine during dinner -thank god Keira's and Kegan's legs were too short to reach the ground.

Just then I felt his hand on my arm. He was looking at me with those big eyes filled with fear and his bottom lip trembling a bit. I didn't know if it was because of his pregnancy, but he seemed to be extra emotional. I understood perfectly, but I still wondered. I shoved my chair back and welcomed him in my lap, in my arms.

"I've never felt so horrible in all my life," He mumbled. And that said something, because Logan had gone through numerous occasions that could make a person feel horrible. Like being raped and almost killed, or having a chance to lose a child.

"Tomorrow night it will be over," I told him softly. "I'll be awake and you can use your authority as a doctor to stay with me during the night. Keira, Kegan and Lizzy will be at my mother's and James and Carlos will be with you in the hospital. It's gonna be okay, sweetie."

He bit his lip and was clearly a lot less sure about that. "You're in the OR for six hours, Kendall," He whispered, "I don't know if I can hold on for so long."

"Then stay home. I won't know if you're there or not, I'll be knocked out. Just stay here and do what you would've done normally. I'll tell the doctor to call you the moment I get out of surgery."

But he'd been shaking his head the whole time I talked. "I wanted to stay with you. You stayed with me when I was in surgery, I want to do that for you."

"None of the times you were in the hospital was planned. I had no idea what was happening; you do. Ask Carlos or James to take you to the movies or go bowling or go rock climbing -no, don't do that. I don't want to have to worry about you when I'm in surgery."

That got a little smile out of him and he wrapped his arms around my neck tightly. "You have to promise me, Kendall," He pleaded whispering. "If-"

"When," I told him. "It's not the question _if_ I come back, it's _when_I come back."

I felt his arms around me tightening and I pulled him closer too, knowing exactly what he needed because it was the same I needed at that moment. Just Logan. "When you come back," He whispered quietly. "Don't ever lie to me about things like back pain that turn out to be cancer."

"I won't. I promise, Logie."

He curled into me more and rested his head on my shoulder. I held him closely and slowly rubbed his back, but by now I knew I couldn't send him into this more prepared. I did everything I could, but if Logan didn't believe what I said I could do anything for him. I just hoped he wouldn't freak out too bad and James and Carlos would be able to calm him down.

We sat together in the kitchen until it was time to bring the children to bed. If Keira was worried, she said nothing about it when I had her alone in the bathroom while Logan helped Kegan. She didn't say anything and was suspiciously quiet. My young daughter was scared. Kegan seemed to be fine though, when I gave him a kiss on his forehead and wished him goodnight. Kegan wasn't such a worry wrath.

Once downstairs Logan didn't bother to turn on the TV like he usually he did. He just pulled me to the couch and climbed in my lap. It didn't take long until the tears came, but I didn't try to stop it. With just a few more hours to go, it felt like I was watching my life flashing by. As if I would die tomorrow in that operation room. Undoubtedly Logan felt the same, as if these were our last hours together and he couldn't even enjoy them because our friends were coming over to talk to us.

"I'm scared, Kendall," He whispered, as if I knew what to do about that. Normally I would indeed know what to do, stay with him and offer comfort and love. But since that wasn't exactly possible when surgeon's were cutting my stomach open I didn't know what to do.

"I know, sweetie, but I'll be fine. I promise you."

He pulled his legs up and closed his eyes, fully leaning against me now. I let him and slowly caressed his bump. "Or go baby shopping, buy a bunch of clothes and toys and whatever the baby needs. Great way to distract you. Maybe Katie will want to come with you with Kevin."

But Logan shook his head and kept quiet, so I shut my mouth too and just held him. It seemed only minutes until the front door opened and James and Carlos came in. Logan got off my lap and looked away from me, I knew he had tears in his eyes he tried to hide. I pulled him back to me, not caring about our friends who had seen us doing way more than cuddling. I just wanted him close when he felt this... this helpless.

"Hey, guys," I said, while I pulled Logan against my side. One of my arms around his waist, the other on his bump. "How was your dinner?"

"Let's just say you cook better than a woman, Kendall," James said teasingly.

"I'll take that as a complement. Thanks, James."

"You're welcome. How are you doing?"

"Better than before, I'm almost sad I have that surgery tomorrow. I feel fine now." Next to me Logan made a little sound that sounded a lot like a sob, but I wasn't sure because he was hiding his face for me again.

"Good, back to business now," Carlos said. He was unusually serious and was constantly glaring at the way I held Logan to me, but I didn't care. Logan needed this and so did I. Tomorrow I would go into a surgery that might kill me and if these were my last moment I wanted to spend them with Logan in my arms.

"What happened when you guys found that second series of pictures?" I asked to keep things peaceful. If there would be a fight tonight, I wanted to push it off to the last moment.

"I called you, like, one hour after I found them," James admitted. "Then I told Carlos and..." After a quick look at Carlos, he continued. "Well, he was mad. Of course. I should've told him and then both of you guys, which is what I will do from now on."

Carlos smiled at him, one of only a few real ones I'd seen this month. "We told my dad and he told us to go to the police station, because threatening and stalking isn't his area. We explained the whole situation there and James show us all the pictures he got from this... person."

"Okay. And what did they tell you?" I'd been distracted for a moment, because Logan moved my hand lower, to a place where Kenzie was kicked him.

"They told us to be careful and call them when something happened again. We've security camera's at the front door, it's watched 24-7. You can ask for one too, because there were pictures of Keira and Kegan too."

I nodded, maybe that was a good idea. I would think about this again when I got home from the hospital. "The police thinks it's a threat, to warn us not to look for Mary-Alice," James continued. "But you guys didn't do anything after you found her file, did you?"

The high word was out, but before I could say anything Logan spoke up. "I told you, I would go to the hospital to check who had been in the file on what day the moment I could. I just didn't have the right time."

"That you didn't do it the past month is understandable, but you did have the time to go to San Diego together and celebrate Keira's birthday while you could've spend time looking for her," Carlos snapped.

"Excuse me? So the fact I'm willing to risk my job, the only source of income we have, for a child we don't even know if she's alive or not isn't good enough? No, I have to drop all other things, my daughter's birthday and the first anniversary Kendall and I celebrated since three years."

"Of course she is alive! Don't you see? The pictures are just a threat! A way to stop us from searching for her! Why would anyone do that if she's dead?"

I could see Logan didn't think of that yet. His face got blank and he stared at Carlos like he realized for the first time the Latino wasn't dumb at all. "So? That doesn't change anything. I love you guys and Lizzy, but Keira, Kegan and Kendall come first."

This was not going how I wanted it to go. If Logan and Carlos were mad at each other, then who would look after Logan tomorrow? I couldn't have this, not when I needed my friends for something. "Guys, we're all friends here, remember? We're looking for a solution, not a way to blame the other that nothing happened. It's been busy and maybe we should've tried to make time for this."

Carlos and Logan both glared at me like little children and crossed their arms in front of their chest. "Who's side are you on?" Logan snapped and he scooted away from me a few inches.

"The same side you are on; theirs." I pointed to James and Carlos and tickled his side. He squirmed away from it, back in my arms. "Better," I said happily and locked my arms so he couldn't escape again.

"When you're done with that," James said sharply, "Can we focus on Ally again?"

"I feel like reminding you Kendall goes into a dangerous surgery tomorrow and he might die? I'm already pissed at you guys for stealing my last night with him and now you expect us to have complete attention for something I really don't care about right now?" Logan said angrily, but I was the only one who saw the tears in his eyes.

"So now you don't even care about us?" Carlos asked in disbelieve.

"I didn't say that! I have more than enough to worry about without your stupid problems too! Kendall might die! I'm fucking pregnant and have to take care of two children until he comes home -if he comes home at all! I already said I would help you, but when I need you for something you guys get mad at me because I didn't have the right time to do it!" This time I didn't try to pull him back, he got up and fled the room.

"Hormones?" James asked weakly.

I shook my head. "No, that was all Logan. Look, I don't think I'll die tomorrow, that chance is really small. But even that small chance is big in his eyes when it means he'll be left alone with three children. That fear will only double when he doesn't have you guys to fall back on."

"He didn't do anything for us, why should we do this?" Carlos asked stubbornly.

It was James who answered him. "Because without Logan, we can't find out who changed Ally's file. And Kendall's right about this, Carlos. They are our friends, they want to help us, not work against us."

I smiled gratefully at James, at least one of my friends understood what I wanted to say. "And without you, Logan won't make it through the next week while I'm in the hospital. And hey, with me there, Logan has a good excuse to be in the hospital as well and maybe he can talk to some people that can find out who changed Lizzy's file."

That was enough to make Carlos smile too, both of them looked more hopeful now. "That's good, I think."

"Alright, so if I do die, can I count on you to take care of Logan and my children?"

They both nodded seriously. "You didn't even have to ask for that," James said quietly.

I shrugged. "I feel better knowing it for sure."

"You don't look very scared for tomorrow," Carlos commented.

"Oh, I'm scared. But I've other things on my mind now so I don't think about it too much. Now tell me what you'll do when we find out who messed with Ally's file."

"Ask that person for the real information so we can find her."

"And then, when you find her, what will you do? Maybe she's adopted by another family, or there are other reasons why she can't leave the place she's in?"

"Than we'll deal with it then. But if she's indeed with another family, we're not going to tell them about Lizzy," James said determined, Carlos nodded. "We don't want to risk her and if her sister is treated well by that family, I can deal with that. At least we can tell Lizzy that when she's old enough to ask about it and she can decide for herself if she wants to visit her or not."

"Good. Though I'm pretty sure she's not staying in a nice family with a house and a dog; there wouldn't be a reason to change her file than."

"That's what we think too," Carlos agreed, "And it's also why we want to find her."

"Of course, I would do the same thing." I got up. "I'll get Logan, tell him you're not mad at him anymore."

I found Logan in our room. He was sitting on our bed with my pillow in his lap and still had tears streaming down his cheeks. "They aren't angry with you, sweetie," I said softly and climbed next to him on the bed.

"I d-don't c-care if they ar-are mad or n-not, I-I just want y-you." He dumped my pillow and laid down to rest his head on my lap.

"I know, Logie, but I'll be fine. I promise you," I whispered and wiped the tears of his cheeks. "We'll all be alright."

I clearly hadn't convinced him, because he didn't stop crying and wrapped his arms around my knee. I ran my fingers through his hair and whispered sweet things to him, but Logan wasn't up to listening to me anymore. "Logie, I'll go downstairs and ask James and Carlos to leave, okay? They're not mad at you and they're gonna stay with you tomorrow in the hospital."

Logan nodded, but didn't let go of me. I literally had to pull him off me, but when I saw his teary eyes and trembling bottom lip I couldn't resist and held him for a while longer. When I finally left I had covered him with the blanket and he was holding my pillow again; that item was probably the only reason why I could leave. E

While I was walking down the stairs I tried to think of the best way to send James and Carlos home without insulting or offending them. Maybe they'd realized we could really use some time together before my surgery tomorrow and would leave in free will. But before I could decide on anything, just when I reached the bottom of the stairs, someone softly knocked on the door.

I glanced at James and Carlos and saw they were just as surprised. "Where you expecting someone?"

"No, not this late at night," I answered and opened the door.

There, on the steps to my house, stood the subject of our talk tonight. Well, two subjects. The tall, blonde woman had a young red haired girl in her arms, the girl was either sleeping or knocked out. The last option wasn't too unlikely, I realized, when I stared at the large bruised and cuts on the arms and neck of the woman.

"Guys! LOGAN!" I yelled. The tone of my voice clearly was alarming enough, because almost immediately James and Carlos were next to me and I heard Logan on the stairs. Hopefully I didn't wake my children.

"I'm not the bad guy, please, believe me," The woman begged, she opened her hands toward us, but didn't let go of the child she had in her arms. Truth to be told, now she was standing here this late at night with the girl we'd been looking for in her arms and her body covered in little injuries that screamed abuse, she didn't look like someone we had to fear.

But it wasn't up to me. This was up to James and Carlos; their situation, their daughter's sister. Their daughter's mother. "Come in," James said coldly, after he'd taken one step to the side to hide Carlos behind his body.

I silently stepped aside and held the door open for the woman, who followed my friends to the living room. I followed them with Logan, who held my hand tightly.

Once we were all seated, there was silence. None of the men had any idea what was going on, the woman seemed to scared to open her mouth and the girl was still unconscious and lying in her mother's arms. She looked exactly like Lizzy, except for her red hair, and both twins inherited their mother's beauty. "What are you doing here?" I asked eventually, when I realized no one else was going to say anything.

"I fled from my husband and managed to take her with me, I have no other place to go to and Alice will be safe here, right? He told me you were looking for her, wanted to take her from us. Like you did with Elizabeth," She whispered, but then her face lit up and she added gratefully, "Thank you."

"Excuse me?" Carlos asked confused. "I thought you wanted her back."

But the woman immediately shook her head. "I don't, I can't take care of children and he- No, that you guys found her before he did is the best thing that ever happened to me. And her," She said with a smile.

I wasn't the only one who was utterly stupefied, but with those words, and the way she said them, made all of us trust her completely. She wanted to help us, safe her children from a man that wanted to hurt them and her -or worse. "I'll make tea, I think this is going to be a long story," I said and got up, Logan followed me quickly.

"Did you see her arms?" Logan mumbled as soon as they couldn't hear us anymore. He leaned against where I started making tea.

"I did, a lot of bruises there."

"She uses drugs."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "Or she used drugs in the past," He corrected himself, "She has little marks in her right elbow -she's probably left-handed."

"Then she probably means that when she said she can't take care of children, I wouldn't want children either if I was addicted."

"Maybe. I just noticed this. Are you sure we can trust her?"

"Logan, she comes here with the child we've been looking for the past half year, she's weakened by all the times she's been beaten and otherwise we're with four men and she's alone, if she tries anything we can take her easily and call the police."

He nodded and followed me back to the living room, where I handed out the cups and got and sat back in my place next to Logan. The woman was looking at a picture from Lizzy I recognized from James' wallet, while the red haired girl was now in Carlos' arms. "What's your name?" I asked curiously.

"Bonnie," She said absentmindedly, her eyes were still devouring the picture.

"And can you explain what happened to bring us all together tonight?"

"Do you want the whole story?" She asked hesitantly.

Four nodding heads.

"I was young, just eighteen," She started while staring ahead of her. "I just got out of high school and when I went on a vacation I met him. He was handsome and charming, and I was completely in love at the end of the night. For a while everything was great, but then he introduced me to the world he was in; drugs.

I never saw harm in it and I still don't. Why would other people care if I hung out with my new friends and smoked some pot? It was fun and we didn't harm anyone. Until I got pregnant. He was furious at first and he hit me, though it wasn't the first time. But the next day his attitude changed and he was suddenly really happy with my pregnancy. He wanted to sell the baby and make big money, he was even happier when they turned out to be twins.

He talked me into selling them to desperate couples who wanted a child, that we would never be good parents and this way they would be better off and I agreed. But a few days before I had to give birth I found out he had complete other plans. He was going to sell them, but not to good parents. He had a friend that was in the sex business, I'd met him once and it's a real creep. He had a deal with him that he would get 40% of the money they would make once they were old enough to be whored out."

Logan, Carlos and James all looked horrified and I must have had a similar expression on my face. That little girl being used by disgusting old man? I imagined Keira in such a situation and swore I would try to do everything to keep her out of this shit. "Yeah, that must be a shock, but don't worry, I took the hit," Bonnie said blankly.

"When I found out, I managed to get away from him with help from one of the few real friends I had back then. She hid me from him and helped me give birth to the girls. Even helped me get them to the hospital so they would be safe."

"And Lizzy's burn?" Carlos asked softly.

"It was an accident," She whispered. "We tried to keep them warm with blankets, but we were afraid it wasn't enough and we put a warm water bottle between them, but we didn't close it and the water got onto them, still boiling hot." She shook her head. "I've never regretted anything so much as that."

"No one blames you," James said, "It was an accident and you saved her from something that is much worse. And the scar isn't even that clear anymore, her skin is on that place a bit red, but it's a lot less than it was last year, or when she was a baby."

"I'm glad to hear that," Bonnie whispered.

"What about that time at school?" Logan asked suddenly, "When we saw you?"

"I wanted to know how she was doing," She said quietly. "I wanted to know if she was better off with you. And I wanted to give you a subtle hint about her sister, maybe if you would search for her you could safe us from the situation we were in."

"Yeah, how did you get away tonight?" I asked curiously, "And why didn't you do this before?"

"I had no where to go to. I was scared, I have no passport or money of my own. He has everything. I couldn't get away if I had no where to bring Alice to. Tonight he was drunk and hit me again, but I fought back and he fell with his head against the radiator. That in combination with the alcohol he'll be out for a while. Alice was awake and crying in her bed, but I managed to make her sleep again by telling her she would wake up in a better place."

We were all silent for a while and looked at the sleeping girl in Carlos' lap. What would happen when she woke up? In a strange place, her mother and father no where to be found? The horrible situation she grew up in was all she knew and that creep of a man was her father, how would she react to this change? Suddenly she would have no mother, no father, a sister she never knew about and two men that undoubtedly were scary in her eyes.

"So you brought them to the hospital? But why did no one find All- Alice?" Carlos asked.

"It all went so quick," She said quietly, "My friend and I, we each took a baby. Lizzy had the burn, so we agreed she would bring her up first while I waited. Two young woman with two young babies would get too much attention, so we went one by one. But before I could go into the building, he was there and took us back home. I didn't even have the time to bring Alice inside.

He was so mad when he found out Lizzy was safe, away from him, and he told me I had to make it up to him by going in her place. Alice is still too young, but the moment she turns ten, he would give her away, let other men use her."

She sat up straighter and looked at James and Carlos. "Please, take her in too? I can't take care of her, I'm too deep in this shit and she can't go back to him, she's way better off with you, and she'll be with her sister. They'll finally be together again."

"But how? We can't just take her in like that, what about her papers? Birth certification and a passport? How do we fix that?" Carlos asked.

"I have her birth certification and passport here, you can have it. And I'm going to turn him in, tonight, but she had to be safe first. I don't care what happens to me anymore, but knowing my girls are safe is more than I ever hoped for." She threw an envelope on the coffee table and got up. "I gotta go."

"What? No! Who's the him you're talking about?" James asked desperately.

"I can't tell you, you're too close to him. Don't leave the house tomorrow, not until you know for sure the police got to him. He's dangerous, keep them safe from him until you're sure they got him."

"But we have to leave tomorrow, Kendall has surgery and we stay with Logan in the waiting room."

"No. All of you. Stay here. I don't know how important your surgery is," She said while looking at me. I wasn't surprised she knew my name. "But you look good and if it can wait you should. Don't go out."

"Is there any way we can contact you, when the girls ask about you?" James asked. "And what do we tell Ally?"

She smiled a little. "Tell them I love them and I'll call them on their eighteenth birthday. It's easier for me to reach you than the other way around. And Ally knows she'll wake up in a different place, without me. She cried herself to sleep before we left. I'm sure you'll find a way to make her feel at home."

"Wait, Bonnie," James said when she was about to leave. He got up and hugged her. "Thank you."

"No, thank you," She said sadly when she pulled away. "Take good care of them."

"I promise, you take good care of yourself."

"I will. I'm going to the police and turn him in, and with him myself. Then I'll probably go to rehab to get off the drugs and find a job I can live from. I'm-" We all looked up when Ally sighed softly and slowly opened her eyes.

"Mommy?"

Bonnie bit her lip and even from this distance the tears in her eyes were visible. She'd wanted to leave before her daughter woke up, before she had to tell Alice she was leaving, but it was too late now. Even a hard woman like she was couldn't stay strong when she had to leave her child. "I'm here, baby."

Alice quickly left Carlos' lap and rushed to her mother, hiding behind her legs. "Where are we?"

Bonnie crouched down and took her daughter's hands. "Do you remember when I told you about the better place?"

The red hair girl nodded quickly.

"That is here, Alice. You'll have a great life with these people."

"Are they nice?" Alice whispered.

"They are the nicest people in the world. And there are more children here you can be friends with and more toys you can play with."

"Where's daddy?"

"Daddy is not a good man, Ally, he's far away now. And you have to stay with those men, okay?"

"But what if they're not good too?"

"Alice, these are the best men in the world. Do you remember the angels that love everybody?"

Another nod.

"They are the angels, baby."

"I thought angels were ladies."

Bonnie chuckled. "No, not all angels are ladies."

Alice was quiet for a moment and then asked, "Do they hit you?"

"They would never hit anyone, they're not like daddy."

"What's their names?"

"The tallest one is James and the shortest is Carlos. Why don't you go say hi to them?"

And that she did. Like Lizzy, Alice wasn't shy at all. Though that would probably change when her mother left. She hugged James' leg. "I like angels. And fairies. Do you have wings?"

"No, I don't have wings, Ally," James said slowly. It was obvious he never thought that that was the first thing he would say to his daughter's sister. His future daughter -if everything went according to plan.

"Oh. Do you have wings?" She asked Carlos.

"No, but we could get you some wings if you want that. Than you can be the angel," He said gently.

"Mommy, I'm gonna be an angel!" But when she turned around, her mother was gone. None of us had seen or heard her leave. "Mommy?"

"Your mommy had to go, Ally," James said softly and kneeled in front of the little girl.

"But where? I need to go with mommy!"

"You can't, sweetie. She had to do important things, but she loves you very much. But you can stay with us and Lizzy from now on."

"No! I want mommy!"

Logan got up and sat down next to Alice on the couch. "Alice, sometimes things don't go like you want it to go," He said friendly.

"Who are you?" She asked softly.

"I'm Logan and that is Kendall." He pointed at me. "This is my house, but James and Carlos live right next door."

"Where did mommy go?"

"Mommy had to do something really dangerous, sweetie, and she couldn't take you with her. She loves you so much she had to leave you here or you would distract her from her mission. That is really brave of her and she wants you to be brave too. Can you be brave for your mommy?"

Alice nodded with open mouth.

Logan grinned at her. "You are the bravest girl I ever met! Are you ready to go with James and Carlos to meet Lizzy? Maybe they'll wake her up so you can meet her." James nodded.

"Who's Lizzy?" Alice asked curiously.

"Lizzy is someone very special, Ally," Carlos said mysteriously.

"Is she a fairy?"

"I don't know, why don't you see for yourself?" He asked and held out his hand. She took it and with a last look at us she went with Carlos to her new home.

"James!" I called before he could follow them.

He turned around, clearly annoyed with me. "What?"

"What do we do tomorrow? I don't know how dangerous this guy is, but I think I'm just going to my surgery tomorrow."

"Can't we discuss this tomorrow morning? You leave at ten, right? I'll make sure we're here at nine to make a new plan, but I really want to go with them right now."

"Yeah, sure. Go," I sighed. James was gone before I finished my sentence. Then I turned to Logan, who was staring ahead of him to some place behind me. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm trying to understand why all of this happened tonight. We went from fighting over her to getting her brought to our house. Why did she come here anyway?"

"I think she saw that James and Carlos weren't home and she hoped that they were with us." I got up and sat down next to him, pulling him in my arms.

"Strange night," He muttered. "What if they don't want to come with me anymore tomorrow? I can't do six hours on my own, I just can't."

"I know, sweetie, but we'll make a plan. Maybe you can stay here with them and Keira and Kegan, or maybe can one of them come with you while the other stays with the children."

"Are you sure you want the surgery tomorrow?" He whispered.

"Yes. The longer it's inside me the more dangerous it gets. And I don't want another Avastin treatment, I might die from that stuff before I die from cancer. It's awful."

Logan rested his head on my shoulder and said nothing, I knew what he was thinking, you didn't have a genius to figure that out. "If I don't go tomorrow, who knows when they can schedule another surgery for me? The longer it's in me, the more chance it will spread through my body and then it all gets ten times as worse as it is now, Logie. You know that. We would only have a little more time together, but the chance I wouldn't survive that surgery is way bigger."

"I know," He whispered.

"It's better this way, sweetie, maybe you should listen to your own 'be brave' story."

A little smile came to his lips. "I used to tell that story all the time, with different variations. It didn't matter if I had to give them an injection or clean their wound, they were always the bravest kid in the world and I gave them a lollypop when it was over."

I kissed his temple. "That's cute, Logie."

"Daniel once heard me telling the story once and he stole it from me, though he claims he was the one who came up with it."

I chuckled. "Of course he did."

"Can we go to bed now?" He asked softly.

"Sure, baby." I took his hand and helped him get up from the couch, then took him upstairs. Once there we got rid of our clothes and climbed in bed, where Logan immediately wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me.

It was hard, desperate; Logan wanted to get everything he could get in one night. That was until I had him on his back and saw his eyes glistening with tears again. He didn't want rough, he wanted soft and romantic and everything I loved so much about making love to Logan.

Some time later I moved off of Logan and pulled him against me. "I love you."

"I love you too," He whispered and looked up at my face.

"Close your eyes, baby." I slowly ran my fingers over his eyelids to close them. Then I started humming 'You're beautiful' and it only took a few minutes for Logan to fall asleep. Tomorrow we would deal with the world, but tonight it was just us. And Kenzie, I thought with a smile, when I felt her kick my stomach.

She would give us quite some trouble later.

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><p><strong>I'm not even going to complain about it. It's just not good.<strong>


	24. Chapter 24

**I don't know why I have this up so late. Stuff happened, I guess. I hope you enjoy this anyway. Probably not, though.**

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><p>I didn't feel good at all when I woke up. I wasn't sick. It wasn't my pregnancy. It wasn't even the morning sickness I continued to suffer from even close to my sixth month. It had everything to do with Kendall, who was still sleeping soundly. His slow breaths tickled my neck and his arms were clasped around my torso, making it very hard to move. How often would I feel this again? Was this the last time I had the privilege of waking up this way?<p>

What if these were some of the last few seconds I was allowed to spend with him? What if I lost Kendall during the surgery? Whatever Kendall said, I was 100% sire something was going wrong today and I would be left alone, with two children and an unborn baby girl that was Kendall's child. Kenzie was his baby, all his, I couldn't raise her on my own, she had to know her papa and how much he loved her already, while she was still inside of me.

Kendall shifted, one of his arms fell from my body but I quickly pulled it back. If there was a chance he was dead tomorrow, I wanted to have all his attention now. I wanted to hear him say how much he loved me and cuddle into his chest and get soft kisses on my forehead, temples and lips and feel his arms around my waist and see his eyes... What if I could never see his eyes again?

"Kendall," I whispered and tugged on his arm. "Kendall, wake up, please."

He hummed and pulled me closer, then he started snoring again. "Kendall," I said softly and turned in his arms. I cupped his face in my hands and rubbed over it with my fingers.

He opened his eyes a tiny bit, then he closed them again. "What do you want?" He groaned sleepily. "It's four am, Logan."

"I want to see your eyes," I whispered, "Please?"

It was almost comical how quick Kendall was fully awake and staring at me so worriedly. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. Kendall's eyes were so beautiful. The bright green color shined in the light of the alarm. His eyelashes were light, almost blonde, and so much longer than you would say at the first sight. When he blinked they caressed his cheeks. It was a perfect match with the color of his skin, which was slightly darker than mine, but still no really tan.

I stared at him and Kendall didn't dare to look away, though he still seemed to be confused as to why I woke him up in the middle of the night to look at his eyes. That didn't mean the usual look he had in his eyes when he looked at me, that one look just for me, wasn't present right now. Kendall held soft burning, liquid love for me in his eyes. It was my look, all for me.

Kendall didn't ask why we were doing this. Maybe he figured it out himself or maybe he just didn't care and went along with what I wanted. Either way, Kendall looked back at me and gave me ten full minutes before he opened his mouth. "Logan, go to sleep."

I shook my head and pushed against his shoulder until he was lying on his back. I straddled him and put my hands on his chest to keep him down while I continued to look at him, study ever single part of his face. Kendall put his hands on my hips and pulled me forward, though I couldn't lie down on his chest like I wanted to because of my stomach.

"Logan, you-" I kissed him before he could say anything else. Expecting him to tell me to go back to sleep, I continued to kiss him even when he didn't kiss me back. I needed this, why didn't he let me have this? I kissed his cheeks and cheekbones, his nose and eyebrows and his temples. Who knew if this was the last time I could do this?

Then Kendall grabbed me and flipped us over, he hovered over me as he leaned on his elbows. "Kendall, p-please, I want to-" But he covered my mouth with his hand and smiled at me.

"Let me finish my sentences, sweetie," He said amused, then he took his hand away and kissed me softly. "I wanted to tell you you're beautiful."

I felt my cheeks heating up and took Kendall's face in my hands to pull him in for another kiss. "Kendall, I'm so scared," I whispered, desperate for more contact with him. He was never close enough, never completely mine. Kendall could make me feel better, I know he could, and I needed that now. Him. Just him. Just Kendall.

"What are you scared of?" He whispered back, slowly running his fingers over my cheek.

"That I'll be alone, that you'll die and leave me here. I can't handle that, I need you with me. I'm not strong like you are." I bit my lip and looked up at him. Even imagining it brought tears to my eyes. Me, alone? With two children and an unborn child? How could I raise them without Kendall? I was sure I couldn't.

It was my biggest fear and today there was a chance it would become reality. A life without Kendall... I rather killed myself.

"Logan," Kendall said firmly. "I am not going to leave you. Whatever happens, I will come back, I will recover and we will continue our live like we always wanted it, with Keira, Kegan and Kenzie. And in case something does happen and I'll die, I'm still going to be here." He put his hand over my heart. "You'll stay here and be brave, stay with our children and watch them for me. James and Carlos will help you, just like mom and Katie. But I'm not going to die today, sweetie, so you don't have to worry about this."

Kendall was so sure he was right. Why couldn't I have faith like that? Why couldn't I believe everything will be alright, just like he said? I shook my head and bit back a sob. No, I felt the complete opposite. Something was going wrong today, something that was going to make my worst nightmare come true.

Of course Kendall saw I didn't believe him. He sighed and rolled onto his side, then he pulled me against his chest. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, taking in Kendall's perfect scent and body warmth. Kendall always felt warm, his skin was never cold. I was never cold when I cuddled close to Kendall. He hummed softly, but the soothing noise and vibrating of his chest wasn't as soothing as always. It probably was because I thought this might me the last time I heard it.

"I love you so much," Kendall whispered and nuzzled my hair. "I'm not even capable of leaving you, heaven won't be any different from hell if I'm there without you." He pulled at the blankets until they were tightly around me and Kendall slowly rubbed my back.

"I love you too," I said quietly.

"Have a little faith in love, Logie," Kendall said reassuringly. His voice was deep and low, but still more boyish than man-like. It was so calming and soft. Why did I never notice that before? How could I not have noticed how much I loved Kendall's voice.

I tried to do as he said, I really did, but I couldn't. My fear of losing him was too big and I rather be prepared for the worst than believe what Kendall says and get surprised when it's bad news. When you believe the worst is going to happen, it can only get better if it's not the case.

Kendall kissed my hair and pulled me in tighter, closer to his chest. How could I ever do without this? Without Kendall's arms around me when I was scared to hide me from the world... I was nothing without him, absolutely nothing. The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge I had him, that Kendall was right there. "Don't do that surgery today, Kendall," I whispered and wrapped my arms around his torso. "Please don't."

"Logan, we talked about this, baby. You agreed, you know, it's better to do the surgery sooner than later. The cancer might spread or I'll have another Avastin treatment that will kill me, it's not a good idea."

"But today something is going to happen," I whispered, "Don't go, Kendall, please."

"I'm sure it's going to be okay, sweetie. The doctor knows what he is doing and the Ally's father definitely won't go after me if he wants his daughter back. I would be in surgery and will not be able to do anything for him."

"Don't go, Kendall," I whispered. "For me? Please?"

He sighed and wiped a tear from my cheek, I didn't even know it left my eye. "I'll think about it, okay? You should sleep now, it's going to be a long day."

That was definitely true. Today we were going to find out who is Ally's father and why Bonnie is so scared of him. The whole juristic turmoil was going to start turning to see if James and Carlos could adopt Ally too. Everyone was going to have a tough day with waiting for that to happen, while I was going to be fearing for Kendall's life the moment he's wheeled into the OR.

I nodded and hid my face in his chest, it was all okay as long as Kendall was with me. He put his hand over my eyes and I closed them to do him a favor, though I knew I wasn't going to sleep again. Kendall started running his fingers over my cheeks and temple and I enjoyed the warm and safe feeling it gave me. "Never leaving you..."

I calmed myself with the sound of his heartbeat and breathing, I forced any other thought out of my head and purely concentrated on this moment, where everything was still alright, where nothing had changed, where Kendall was with me.

It was how I spent the next few hours until 7 am, when we had to get ready to leave for the hospital, but first we had to talk to James and Carlos.

I didn't want to leave the bed, it was safe there. With Kendall next to me. But this had to be done, Kendall had to have this surgery to get better. Eventually he carried me into the bathroom and held me close to his chest under the water of the shower. It would've been romantic, how he pressed little kisses to the top of my head and rubbed my back, but the fear this was our last shower together was too big.

Kendall dried me off and helped me dress, before he took me downstairs and started making breakfast. "You have to stay sober for the surgery," I whispered when I remembered that.

"I know, Logie, this is for you and Keira and Kegan."

I rushed over to him again and kissed him desperately, knowing this could be one of the last. Kendall kissed back and hugged me tightly. "It's all going to be alright," He muttered. "And then we'll leave LA, it has only brought problems so far."

I nodded, wanting exactly that. A big house, with a large garden for Kendall to work in and for our children to play, nice big windows that bring lots of light and a modern kitchen so Kendall could make us all our favorite meals. A small city hospital close to our house for me to work and a good school for Keira and Kegan. We could get Keira a horse and give Kegan real soccer goals to play with with his little friends he would make there. And Keira wouldn't be bullied and there wouldn't be any stalkers and no Jett's and no risks of premature birth. A truly happy environment for Kendall's baby to grow up in. Yes, I wanted that.

"We'll start searching for it the moment I come out of the hospital. No wait, I can do searching while I'm in the hospital since I'm bound to my bed for a week. Find something close to Los Angeles, but still far enough away to keep all the troubles out. Maybe some place close to the beach, hear the waves all day, see the deep blue water from our kitchen window."

"Yes," I said breathlessly as I imagined what he said. "The same view from our bedroom window, so we can look over the ocean when we cuddle. A bath in the master bathroom, instead of in the regular one. Or both. All of our picture on the walls with Keira's drawings." "Logan, do that while you're waiting, make a list from everything you want in our new house so I can started searching for the perfect one when I wake up." Kendall practically begged me and I couldn't say no, not when this was what he wanted.

So I nodded and pulled him in for another kiss, this time slow and sweet. Hopeful, almost. Kendall pulled away and smiled at me happily. It felt so good to finally see him smile again that I automatically smiled back at him. "That's something I haven't seen in a long time," He said quietly.

My smile disappeared and Kendall looked sad again. "Smile for me, Logie." I looked down, I wasn't happy enough to produce another one. I wasn't happy at all.

He sighed and pulled me closer again. "Logan, if something does happen today, you're going to be brave for me, okay? Hold on. Don't- don't do anything stupid. Live for me."

I shook my head. "Don't leave me."

"Never intentionally," He whispered. It wasn't good enough. That was no guarantee he would stay.

Small feet sounded on the stairs, but I didn't care my children saw me like this. They had to learn their parents cried too sometimes. "Papa, papa! Are you better yet?" Kegan asked when he ran into the kitchen.

"No, baby. I still have to go to the hospital."

Kegan walked to Kendall's other side and he could see my teary face. "Why is daddy crying?" He whispered and grabbed Kendall's leg.

"Daddy's a little sad, Kegie, but he'll be alright." Not when he died...

"Is baby okay?" He asked worriedly and reached out to rub my stomach.

"The baby is fine, daddy is sad because of something else. Now go sit at the table, buddy, I made omelets for you. And you can have a sandwich with jelly or nutella when you're done."

"Okay!" He said happily. "Daddy come eat with me."

Kegan grabbed my hand. I didn't want to let go of Kendall, but I didn't want to worry my child either. Kegan didn't need to know I feared for Kendall's life. "Go, Logie. I'm not gone yet," Kendall whispered in my ear and carefully pried my arms off him.

I just let it happen and sat at the table where Kegan crawled in my lap and hugged me. "Don't be sad, daddy. I'll stay with you."

I smiled at him a tiny bit and hugged him back. Kegan looked so much like Kendall sometimes. "You're sweet."

We had a nice breakfast together. Keira and Kegan asked questions about the surgery and what would happen and Kendall answered them. I stayed quiet. The closer we got to the surgery the more I wanted to find a hole and die. Kendall obviously noticed this because he held my hand under the table and gently caressed the back of my hand.

"Hello!" Carlos yelled about ten minutes later when he open the door.

"In here!" Kendall shouted back. "And don't yell!"

"Ah, I just wanted to," He said as he walked into the kitchen. "James stayed home with the girls and I'm coming to get Keira and Kegan. We talked about it and we decided James is going with you to the hospital and I stay home. I also called Jennifer and she's coming to stay with me. When the surgery is over we'll all come to the hospital to see you."

Kendall nodded. "I can live with that. Come say goodbye to me, babies."

Keira and Kegan both ran up to him and hugged him. "I'll see you tonight," He said quietly. "Have fun with grandma, and Lizzy and Ally."

"Who's Ally?" Keira asked curiously.

"You'll see. Now go." Carlos hugged Kendall too and wished him good luck, then he took our children with him and we were suddenly alone, with only twenty minutes left until we had to go to the hospital.

Kendall pulled at my hand, signing me to come closer. I did so quickly, not wanting to waste these last moments. "You barely ate anything," Kendall said softly. "That's not good for our baby, you know."

"I can't eat now, it'll all just come out," I whispered.

He nodded and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I wondered what he was feeling, in my own worries and fear I completely forgot he might be feeling even more afraid than I was. Kendall put up such a tough front I sometimes forgot he was only human and couldn't always be strong. Why didn't I think of this before? God, I was the worst husband in the world. Of course he was scared. Everyone was scared before going into such an important surgery, I felt the same with Kegan's c-section, although that went so quick I didn't really have time to process it all before they drugged me.

So I pushed my own feelings to the side and decided to be here for Kendall now, to be just as strong as he always was and help him until I couldn't anymore. "Are you scared?"

He was surprised, I could feel it. "Why are you asking that?"

"Because I realize I'm a selfish asshole and never asked how you're feeling about this; it must be even worse for you than for me."

But Kendall shook his head. "I'm pretty sure I'll survive the surgery and even if I don't, I won't have to deal with the consequences. I'm scared for you, what you'll do while I am in surgery and if I don't make it. I'm coming back, I'm not leaving you, but I want to know you'll be brave and take care of our children if something ever does happen."

I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. "I can't promise you that," I told him softly. "I don't know how long I can do without you."

"You can go on for years and years, sweetie, because you won't let me down," He answered quietly and smiled at me. Kendall had done it. If he died, there was no way I could go after him. Not when he didn't want me to.

"You selfless, annoying jerk," I whispered and wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. But Kendall just chuckled and kissed my temple. "Don't leave me."

"Never," He promised.

All too soon James was there and ready to take us to the hospital. Kendall let me lean into his body the whole ride, safely tucked away in his arms. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat all day, just that, nothing else. Why did everything have to be so unfair?

James left us alone when we reached the room, going to call Carlos. He promised to be back within an hour, because then Kendall had to go into surgery. The doctor came and prepared Kendall for surgery, drawing lines on his stomach where they had to cut and hooking him up to a series of machines I knew but couldn't identify at the moment.

After twenty minutes he was done and left us alone, now I had just forty minutes left with Kendall. Forty, little minutes that would pass before I knew it. "How about you come sit next to me?" He proposed and pulled me closer by my hand.

I let him, because, you know, since when did I not? And I liked being close to Kendall. "We're going to do this. When I wake up, I want to see a complete list of everything you ever dreamed of having in a house. So don't disappoint me."

I shook my head and played with his fingers a bit. Kendall had these long, strong fingers. Rough in some way -from gardening- soft in others. I liked Kendall's hands. A lot. And I liked Kendall's cheeks. I liked feeling them against my own, especially when he had just shaven and they were all soft and touchable. I reached out and touched one, knowing they would still feel soft since he had shaven this morning when we showered together. Something about going into surgery well prepared.

"I like soft cheeks," I told him quietly.

"I know, that's why I don't grow a beard."

"I don't like beards."

He smiled and put his hand on my stomach, slowly moving over it. Kendall did that often when he wanted to feel Kenzie kick. It was like he was scanning my stomach with his hand. "She's sleeping," I whispered, but folded my hands over his. I wanted to keep his hand on me.

"Tell me when she wakes up, okay? I want to feel her too."

I smiled a little, but it quickly disappeared. "You'll have plenty of time to feel her later, right? Because you're not going to let me down."

Kendall stared at me, then nodded and pulled me down next to him on the bed. "I promise, Logie. I'll never let you down."

I rested my head on his chest and let Kendall grope me for a while. I focused on how good it felt to still have his hands on me. Tomorrow I might not feel this again.

Kendall's hand settled on my hip and the other on my face. "I love you," He whispered in my ear.

"I love you too." I leaned in and kissed him softly, loving how his grip on me tightened when our lips were connected. Kissing Kendall never changed, it was still as amazing as the first time, even more amazing I would say; now we knew what the other liked most. I loved how kissing Kendall made me forget about everything else.

Kendall pulled me back to him when I pulled away, taking a hold of the back of my neck to continue kissing me. It was amazing and I never wanted it to stop. Why did it have to stop? I needed Kendall. I needed him.

I almost broke down when I heard James coming back into the room. Time was up. Kendall had to go into surgery and I was not ready yet, but in just minutes the doctor would come too and take me away from him. "Right," James said awkwardly, "I'll wait in the hall."

"Now be brave, okay?" Kendall said softly. "You can do this. I'll see you in a few hours."

I simply nodded and fought my tears back. The last thing Kendall saw from me should be a smile, not more tears.

"Just stay calm and makes that list I told you to make. And tell Kenzie I love her when she wakes up."

I smiled weakly and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Good luck," I said quietly. "Don't do anything stupid."

"I never do, Logie. Make that list for me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Promise me. I want to have it."

"I promise."

"And tell James that he has to do what he promised me."

"What did he promise you?"

"Nothing important, sweetie." He lied, I saw it, but I was distracted when the doctor came in. Suddenly it wasn't important anymore. "Don't worry too much, alright? I'm going to be fine. I'll see you tonight."

I nodded and slid off the bed, already dreading the moment I would have to let go of him. "You better be alright."

"I'm going to be. Now go, the poor man wants to do his job." He waved at the doctor, who chuckled shortly. He pulled me in for a kiss, one that would linger on my lips for a long time.

I pulled away, feeling one last squeeze in my hand before he let go of that too. "Bye," I whispered. It felt so weird. I never said goodbye to Kendall, I never had to before. I always knew I would see him again in a few hours. Now I didn't.

"Bye, Logie."

It hurt him too.

Walking away was even harder. I was used to having Kendall touch me in some way, anyway, when I walked. He would hold my hand or have his arm around my waist. Now? Nothing.

"Hey, Logan." I turned back when I heard his voice, eager for anything he might say, just because it meant hearing his voice. "I love you."

Kendall grinned happily when he saw my blush. What was wrong with me? "I love you too."

And then the door closed and he was gone. But then James was there an arm around my shoulders from a friend who would hopefully help me through this day. "He'll be fine, Logan. How about we get something to drink? I need coffee."

"I'm not thirsty," I mumbled. "But I need to get pen and paper somewhere."

"We'll get that too then. Come on."

Silently we went down to the cafeteria and gift shop area. I needed something to write on, to make the list of things I wanted in our future house. God, how much I wanted that already. Out of LA, no more trouble, just a peaceful life with our children and each other. A place where Kenzie could grow up happily with her brother and sister.

I felt a little guilty when I looked at James. For him and Carlos it was much harder, nearly impossible to leave Los Angeles. They both had jobs here, jobs that could only be done here. I could easily transfer to another hospital. I didn't know how they would react when we told them about this. Angry? Betrayed? But we couldn't stay together forever and there was nothing left for us in LA, except for Katie and mama Knight, but we weren't going that far, we could still visit them.

Maybe they would find a way to come with us, to find a house close to ours to live in with Lizzy and Ally. I would like that, but it was near impossible. I knew that. "How is Ally?" I asked James after a while, when we were already sitting at a table and James was sipping from his coffee.

"She's scared," He sighed. "Of course she is. Suddenly she has to live with strange people in a strange house, her mother and father gone. She latched onto Lizzy the moment she met her, that was really cute."

I smiled. "What did Lizzy say?"

"She was completely in shock. She immediately knew who Ally was because they look so much alike. They slept together in her bed last night. Lizzy is really protective over her."

"How did she react to Keira and Kegan?"

"Good, I guess. Children are not as scary as grownups, Carlos said they were playing together in Lizzy's room. Though Ally's a little shy around them."

"What did mama Knight say when she found out?"

"She was shocked too, suddenly there's another girl. She was happy for us, and surprised. Carlos is going to tell her the whole story. Katie is probably stopping by later today with Kevin, they'll tell her then."

"And they're all coming to the hospital tonight?"

"I told Carlos not to leave the house with the girls until he knew for sure the creepy guy was caught, but if he is, then yes. It feels better that I know a lot of people are there now, safer."

"Yeah, probably," I said quietly. I was too busy worrying about Kendall to think about anything else. "Kendall told me to remind you of something you promised to him to do. What did you promise him?"

He stared at me for a moment, then he smiled smoothly in the way only James Diamond could. "Nothing, Loges, he just wanted me to distract you while he was in surgery."

"Yeah? Well, that's not going to work, I told him that already," I snapped. "I'm sick of everyone lying to me all the time. Lying to me has gotten us in this shit in the first place. You guys lied to me about the pictures, Kendall didn't tell me about the fucking pain in his back that turned out to be cancer. Just because I'm fucking pregnant I'm suddenly a little girl you have to be careful with. Now tell me what he really told you."

"He made us promise we would look after you if something happened to him."

I stared at him and felt all the anger leaving my body to make place for fear. Kendall did that? Did he think something was going to happen to him? But he had always said it would be fine! He promised me! "Logan, don't freak out. Nothing is going to happen to Kendall, he has a great doctor, there is a 95% survival chance. He'll be fine. Hey, why don't we go buy that paper you want now?"

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><p>James miserable attempts on distracting me didn't help at all. Kendall should be in surgery by now, lying on that table covered with blue paper, except for the place where they were going to cut him open and get his kidney out. Alone, unconscious, unaware of anything that might happen to him. Why did it always have to be us these kind of things happened to?<p>

I was doing what Kendall told me to do, I was making a list. But the only thing I could think of I wanted to have in any future house was my family. Kendall, Keira, Kegan and Kenzie, all of them. Safely. Things like a big garden and a modern kitchen were not important anymore. I didn't care. I just wanted my family there and any house would be fine.

As long as it was out of Los Angeles, that is.

James was sitting next to me, texting with Carlos about what was happening at home. I knew he wanted to be there now so badly, which made me appreciate he was here for me even more. I really didn't deserve such good friends, because James and Carlos were right about one thing; I could've done more for Ally if I took the time to search for her. It didn't matter we found her now. I let them down and it was only for Kendall that James was here now. Away from Carlos and his daughters where he should be.

I was too selfish to tell him to go home. I didn't want to be alone. Kendall spoiled me too much. "Thank you for being here," I whispered and stroked his arm briefly.

"It's okay," He said, smiling softly. "That's what friends do after all."

"I've been the worst friend in the world, you were completely right when you said I should've done more searching for Ally."

"Are you kidding? You did so much for us! You found her in the archive, it wasn't your fault someone messed with the file, we knew that. And you were already going through a lot without dealing with our shit as well."

"Still, I could've tried harder. You were there for Kendall too when I was- when I was being an asshole. I never said thank you for that, did I?"

"No, but seeing Kendall smile again was thanks enough. And that's over now anyway. After today it's all over. Kendall will be better and Ally will be living with us from now on. We're going to live happily ever after and you and Kendall will have five more children."

"F-five more?" I choked. "Do you realize I have to carry all of those? Three I can handle, but you should see the scar from Kegan's c-section; it's bad."

James grimaced. "No thank you, I'll be perfectly fine without seeing that. So maybe five was a little overrated."

"Way overrated."

He chuckled and I gave him a little smile, until I was startled by Kenzie kicking me. "Oh!"

"Something wrong?" James asked worriedly.

"No, baby's just kicking me. Kegan and Keira never moved so much, it takes getting used to."

"Can I feel?" He asked hesitantly. I knew why; the last time James felt my stomach Kendall and Carlos walked in on us and it let to one major fight between my two friends.

But I didn't see any harm in it now, James was just curious and he had felt Katie's stomach a lot during her pregnancy. It was a little odd he had such a kink for it, but that didn't bother me. "Go ahead."

James placed his hand over the roundest part of my stomach, right over my belly button. He felt around gently, how Kendall always did too... God, how I missed Kendall already...

Kenzie kicked me again and I decided to help James a little by moving his hand to that spot. "Here That's where she kicks me."

"So it's a girl?" James asked happily.

"Shit. Don't tell anyone, James. Please. We didn't want anyone to know yet."

"I won't say a word," He promised, then started grinning when Kenzie kicked his hand. "I felt it!"

"Yeah," I chuckled, smiling at James. Our eyes met and it felt like there clicked something into place between us, something I wasn't ready to feel yet.

His phone beeped and James pulled his hand away like he burnt himself. He replied to Carlos and nothing was said after that. Fortunately I was distracted by my own phone that moment, a familiar number popped up on the screen. I froze and stared at it. This was impossible. How could he call me now?"

"Carlos?" I said shakily.

James looked up at me, then took a look at what I was staring at. "That's not Carlos' number anymore, Logan. He got a new phone when he lost his old one."

"Than who is calling me now?"

"Only one way to find out," James said. He grabbed my phone and picked up. "Hello?"

James frowned. "He's here- but who am I talking to? ... Sure..." He gave the phone back to me, the look on his face saying enough. "He wants to talk to you. Logan, if this is-"

"I know," I said quickly and held the phone to my ear. After taking a deep breath, I said, "Hello?"

"Hi Logan! Long time no see, buddy! How are you doing?"

It took me a moment before I knew who I was talking to. "Daniel?"

"Of course, it's me! Who else did you think? I'm great, by the way. Good things are happening today."

"What kind of good things?" I asked cautiously.

"I'll tell you later, we're not in a hurry. First I want to know how you're doing."

I looked at James, who looked extremely alarmed. I decided to play his game, since I still had no idea what was going on. Daniel was my friend, but what was he doing with Carlos' old phone? "I'm not doing so well at the moment."

James pulled out his phone and called to his house, needing to reassure himself. "I expected that," Daniel said pitifully. "I'm really sorry you got involved in this, I actually liked you. But I don't have a choice, you know."

"You don't have a choice?" By now James had Carlos on the phone and he looked extremely relieved. 'They're okay,' He mouthed to me. I nodded.

"No, you see, I need to get something back, something very important to me. And you have it."

I swallowed, getting a really bad feeling about this. "What is it?"

"Oh, I think you know what I'm talking about. And to make sure you give me back what's mine, I have something of yours."

I dropped the phone.

Kendall. Daniel was Lizzy's and Ally's father and he had Kendall to trade him for them. I didn't know how, maybe he killed or drugged or blackmailed the surgeon and nurses that were going to operate on Kendall, but somehow he was in that room with my husband and wanted me to bring them his twins.

James had grabbed the phone again when I dropped it and was now yelling at Daniel, demanding my former friend to tell him what he wanted from me.

How could I not have seen it was Daniel all this time? He had access to the files in the hospital, he knew James and Carlos adopted Lizzy, he befriended me because he knew I was their friend, he got our autograph's for his 'girlfriend', he could easily use them to sent a fake letter to Child Protective Services. He even looked like Ally with his red hair!

"Logan, are you okay?" James asked urgently. "What did he say? He hung up on me."

But I couldn't say anything. He was with Kendall. Daniel, the father of Ally and Lizzy, an absolutely horrible man, was with my husband only a few floors higher. Somehow I knew it was useless to do anything. A doctor knew a million ways to kill a human being. If I tried to get in there, without showing him Lizzy and Ally first, he would do something to Kendall. Calling the police would have the same effect, he would hurt Kendall before we could get close to him.

"Kendall," I whispered, not believing this was really happening. How was I going to get us out of this one. I vaguely realized James was talking, to me or to someone else, I didn't know. I needed to find a way to get Kendall back, but I knew James and Carlos would never let their girls get close to that freak. I was sure there was a certain time limit, Daniel couldn't wait forever with Kendall in that Operation Room. If he didn't see the girls soon, he would act as he thought was appropriate, which meant I lost Kendall. That couldn't happen. I couldn't lose Kendall.

"Logan, what's with Kendall?" James asked urgently.

"He- he..."

"Come on, buddy. You can tell me, I'll help you. What's going on?"

"He wants to- he wants to trade Kendall for Ally, or Ally and Lizzy both," I whispered. James couldn't help me, he wouldn't let anything happen to his daughters, he would sacrifice Kendall if he had to, now that he finally had his perfect family.

I met James' eyes and saw what I expected to see, how torn up he was about having to choose between his best friend and his children. I knew what he was going to do, I knew it. "Logan, I can't- I want to, but-" He said more things I didn't hear, didn't want to hear. The only thing on my mind was Kendall, how I'd known something horrible would happen and no one listened to me.

My phone beeped, signaling I got a text. I didn't move, I knew who it was from and what it would say, but it wouldn't help me any. So James grabbed it and opened the message, reading aloud; "You have until five pm, Logan. Then I want to have Mary-Alice and you get your husband back. You better hurry, this incision doesn't look so good."

Everything went black.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah… I'm not going to say it's bad, because everyone keeps telling me it's not –THANK YOU!-, but I'm still going to think it…<strong>


	25. Chapter 25

I stared at the lifeless body of my husband, tears streaming down my face. Carlos left a long time ago, after trying for hours to help me, to get me to talk. Eventually he went back to James and to their girls, to tell Katie and mama Knight what happened, what happened to their brother and son.

I was holding his hand, the hand that used to hold me, caress my face or run through my hair. It was still warm, but I wondered how long it would take before it got cold. Cold as a dead person's.

If only I got into that room earlier and turned him on his left side, so that little bubble of air in his blood way wouldn't reach his brain. If only I got to him earlier to stop the bleeding of the cut that Daniel had been widening steadily until it almost reached his chest...

I bit my lip hard and closed my eyes tightly. I didn't want to remember it, I just wanted to forget, but everything that happened today just kept playing through my head. Scene after scene of horrible events... I just wanted to pretend Kendall was sleeping so I could cuddle up to him and sleep with him for a few hours. Just a few hours, then I would deal with everyone else. With mama Knight and Katie, with Keira and Kegan...

Oh no, how was I going to tell my children what happened to their papa?

I couldn't do that.

Salty tears made their way down my face and dripped in my lap, much like the blood that poured from the cut Kendall had in his stomach just an hour ago, but then less red. I sobbed once and leaned forward, resting my head on the bed next to Kendall's body. How could he do this to me? He promised to come back! He promised we would all be alright!

But this wasn't Kendall's fault. It was all James' fault. He had decided to keep me unconscious, he had called the police, he made a plan with them, he made sure Daniel was caught before he could even come close to Ally, he had been the fucking hero of today. Except for that little moment where Daniel had realized he wasn't going to win and made sure to take revenge before he couldn't anymore.

Just a little syringe had been enough. One little bubble of air was enough to stop the blood flow to Kendall's brain, bringing him into a coma almost immediately. A doctor would've known to turn Kendall onto his left side and keep his head lower than his body, so the bubble couldn't go to his brain or his heart, making sure Kendall stayed unharmed. A doctor would've known. James didn't. He had no idea that little bubble could have killed Kendall. Neither did the cops that stormed into the room to capture Daniel.

It wasn't until ten minutes later, when doctors had tried everything to wake Kendall up, James told them what had happened in those last few moments of Daniel's freedom. When he had harmed the love of my life, possibly for life. Kendall slipped into a coma. He would stay in it for a while too.

No one had any idea what would happen when Kendall woke up -if he woke up. He could suffer amnesia. Or his brain could be so damaged he would never be able to return to his old life. He could be blind or deaf. He could be mute. His short term memory could be damaged. Nothing was unthinkable anymore.

And it was all James' fault.

He should've woke me up, he should've let me go into that room, I could have saved Kendall. He couldn't. He was a hero now, for helping to capture a drugs dealer, rapist and suspect of several other crimes. He was a hero for saving his daughters. But what about my daughters and son? I would have to tell them papa wouldn't come home for a while, that papa might not come back at all.

The doctors had stitched the cut on Kendall's stomach and were giving him some extra blood now. They were hopeful about his situation. According to the specialist there was a big chance Kendall would wake up within a few days, two weeks at the most. Even when it took longer he was positive Kendall would wake up.

I was a lot less optimistic.

Carlos and James were outside waiting for me, but I wasn't leaving until I had to. Visiting hours were over at nine. I still had ten minutes left to hold Kendall's hand and pray he would wake up soon. I pulled my chair a little closer and put my head on his chest. The sound of his slow heartbeat making me feel a little bit better. At least he was alive.

I didn't know what I would do now. Kendall was here, James and Carlos had called mama Knight and asked her to take Keira and Kegan to 2J. Both her and Katie still had to be informed about Kendall. They knew something happened, but they didn't know what yet. I didn't want to go home alone, but as it looked now I had no choice. I couldn't stay here, the hospital wouldn't let me. James and Carlos were going home with their girls, tomorrow they would start the process of adopting Ally since her dad was going to jail and her mother would be going into rehab.

The door opened again and Carlos smiled at me sadly, he didn't have to tell me for me to know it was time to go. I gave a short nod and Carlos closed the door again, giving me time to say goodbye. "I'll be back tomorrow," I whispered and ran my hand through his hair. "First thing tomorrow morning, I promise."

For a while I just looked at him, debating with myself if I should make a scene until they let me stay here with him tonight. But I knew they would never let allow me to. Gently I put his hand under the blanket and pulled it up to Kendall's neck. "Wake up soon, okay? I don't want to lose you, not before you saw Kenzie on her fiftieth birthday."

My eyes filled with tears at the thought of Kenzie never meeting her father and I stepped closer to Kendall again, not sure if I was emotionally able to leave him. Every cell in my body screamed I had to, that I had no way of surviving just a second on my own, that it would be exactly like those horrible ten days in that dirty hotel room when Kendall told me to leave. Back then I hadn't even been able to get out of bed for anything other than bathroom visits.

But I had to go now. Keira and Kegan needed me, I couldn't curl into a ball and rock from side to side, waiting for Kendall to come running to me. I had to be there for my children. "I love you," I whispered and leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Take your time, get better. But don't take too long, I can't handle being without you for long."

With that I turned around and left, promising him and myself I would be back tomorrow. That was the longest I could possibly stay away from him. James and Carlos were waiting for me outside the room, holding each other's hands. James looked really guilty, he was about to say something but closed his mouth after the look I gave him. It couldn't have been a glare, I was too tired and depressed to produce one. Maybe the misery I felt was visible in my eyes. That made sense.

"Let's go home, girls," Carlos said quietly. Lizzy and Ally got up and took each other's hands. My eyes remained on the little red haired girl, the little girl we saved today, at cost of the love of my life. We should have just given her back to Daniel, we should never have start looking for her. Than none of this would have happened. Kendall would just have gotten his surgery, his kidney would have been removed and everything would have been fine. Everyone would have lived.

But no. If we hadn't done anything Ally would still be with Daniel, at the start of what would have been a horrible live. No one deserved that, I couldn't imagine what I would feel if Keira would be in her situation. I probably would have done the same Bonnie did; try everything to get her away from that.

I followed the family of four to the car, trying not to start sobbing at the sight. James and Carlos held hands, Lizzy and Ally too. I had every right to be jealous of them, right? In ten little minutes they took what I had: a complete family. One with two parents and two children. Instead I was now alone with two children and one on the way.

James and Carlos sat in the front after helping their girls in the backseat. I took the remaining seat in the back, next to the window and Lizzy. As soon as Carlos drove the car onto the high way he grabbed James' hand. Ally had fallen asleep, her head resting in her sister's lap. I could imagine this had been quite the day for her.

At that moment I would have given anything for Kendall, to have him here, to hold his hand. But the fact that he wasn't, was why I felt so miserable. I folded my arms around my bump, at least I wasn't really alone. I had Kendall's daughter. And Keira and Kegan would be home again tomorrow, before I went to Kendall I would pick them up from the Palm Woods and take them with me. Especially now I wanted to keep us all together.

"Is the baby kicking?" Lizzy asked softly.

"No, she's sleeping, Lizzy."

"Then why are you feeling?"

"I just don't know where else to leave my arms."

"Oh," She said. "Are you sad?"

Was I sad? I was a little more than sad, but she didn't need to know that. "I'm a little sad, but it'll be fine."

None of the children had to know how miserable I felt. I could pretend to be strong for them. But only for them.

Lizzy nodded and leaned into my side, quickly falling asleep like her sister. I stared out of the window for the rest of the ride. Once we got home, James and Carlos each took a twin and said goodbye, leaving me alone.

I went home, to my empty, uninviting house. Maybe I could take a warm water bottle with me to bed, to replace the warmth that usually radiated from Kendall's body. And I would need a few more pillows to help me sleep with this bump. God, I needed Kendall. I needed Kendall so bad.

I went to the kitchen to boil water for my hottie, wondering what did ever go right in our life. So far not that much. I slumped down at the table and buried my head in my arms; I could lose Kendall. There was a possibility I would never see him smile again. Never feel his arms around me again, never get a kiss from him again.

New tears welled up in my eyes. I was away from the children now, I had no reason not to cry. In fact, I had every reason to cry. I couldn't even drink to forget the fucking pain! Kendall had to wake up. He had to.  
>I thought about the past night, how much I had wanted to crawl inside his skin and never get out. Kendall had been so amazing, confident and strong and warm and caring. Everything I needed and loved so much about him. My overprotective, possessive, impulsive love.<p>

The water was done and I poured it all into the hottie, not caring I burned my fingers. It was nothing compared to the fear of losing Kendall. I went on my way to my bedroom, but stopped when I realized I didn't know if I would be able to sleep in that bed all alone. The bed I'd always shared with Kendall.

Yes, I had slept alone in it before. When I was tired, but Kendall wanted to finish watching the hockey game, but then I always knew Kendall would come up soon and I would wake up with his arms around me. Or when I didn't feel good and took a nap sometime during the day; I always knew Kendall was close. That he would come back.

I bit my lip and slowly walked upstairs, dreading the moment I would lie in bed and not be able to fall asleep. I needed Kendall.

Everything was dark upstairs and I didn't turn on any lights. It would just make me see things, things that reminded me of Kendall. I didn't want to be reminded of him, I just wanted to forget. At the same time, he was all I could think about, the man I missed so much already and wanted by my side more than anyone.

It hurt either way.

Carefully I opened the door, expecting monsters to jump at me. Well, they might as well have. Our bedroom window gave a perfect view on James' and Carlos' bedroom window. Normally that wasn't a problem, but now, when I saw the silhouettes of James and Carlos hugging behind the curtains it hurt more than I could describe.

James' figure was shaking and it looked like Carlos was comforting him, which I hated. Murderer didn't deserve to be helped, didn't deserve to cry. He still had everyone he loved, he even gained a daughter by losing Kendall!

Carlos pulled away and took James' hand, pulling him away from the window to where I knew their bed was. I didn't want to see anymore, so I turned around and turned on the light, effectively making the visions disappear. I didn't want to watch as they made love and I sat here all alone.

I bit my lip and glanced at our bed, feeling another wave of pain wash over me. I didn't want to get in and the desire for Kendall grew every second I looked at it. The bed was exactly like we left it this morning, unmade, sleep shirts just thrown onto the pillows...

I sat down on the bed and grabbed the shirt Kendall had worn to bed last night. It was white, at least one size too big and had holes in it, but Kendall loved sleeping in it. It happened regularly that I stole Kendall's shirts to sleep in, especially now with a bump this big it didn't fit into my own clothes anymore. But he never let me have this shirt.

I took off my own shirt and purposely didn't look at my bump. I didn't mind it when it was covered, but I hated looking at it when it was just my skin stretched tightly around Kenzie. I feared stretch marks, though I never had them before. Kendall said he thought this was my most beautiful bump so far.

I pulled Kendall's sleep shirt on, loving how it still smelled like Kendall.

For a few minutes I just sat there, playing with a hole at the hem Kendall always played with when he wore this shirt. Then I realized where I was sitting and I rushed to the bathroom, away from the big scary bed I didn't want to sleep in alone.

Twenty minutes later, when I really didn't know what to do in the bathroom anymore, I went back into my bedroom and stood in front of my bed.

I couldn't do it.

Hoping this was all just a nightmare and tomorrow I would wake in Kendall's arms, I sank to the ground and started sobbing quietly. It was not fair. Kendall promised it would be fine. I had told him about my bad feeling this morning, he should've listened to me...

It was like for every minute of happiness we had, we had to pay ten minutes of misery.

I couldn't do this.

I couldn't sleep without Kendall.

* * *

><p>I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there before the door opened. "Hey, buddy," I heard a soft voice say and I looked up, straight at Carlos. I shook my head and pressed it back in my knees, not caring it was rude to ignore Carlos. I just wanted Kendall.<p>

That was until I felt his hands on my arms and he pulled me up with a strength that had always surprised me. "C'mon, get in bed," He said softly and guided me to the bed, to the side where Kendall always lied. I did as he said and sat down, then laid down when he pushed against my shoulders.

I held Kendall's pillow against my stomach, finding it actually very comfortable to rest my bump on it. Carlos was still in the room, doing something I didn't care about. The light turned off and the door shut. I thought he left, until the mattress dipped and he crawled in behind me, his arm wrapping around my waist. It was awkward for a moment, because he clearly wasn't used to the stomach like Kendall was and he had no idea where to leave his arm. I helped him, because clearly this felt good and I could use a good hug, so I pulled his arm up until it was around my chest.

"This is strange, I never cuddled with anyone who was as short as I was. Or pregnant."

"Me neither," I whispered back, glad the awkwardness was gone.

"We saw the light was still on and we were worried about you," Carlos said quietly. "You can come to us if you need help or want to talk or something, okay? Even in the middle of the night."

I nodded and squeezed his arm, prizing myself lucky with the amazing friend I had. Not James, but Carlos was great.

"Logan, James is really sorry about what happened."

I didn't say anything. He was sorry. Good for him. It didn't give me back my love.

"I know that must be really hard to buy, but he was really upset and it took me ages to get him to talk to me. If he could've done today differently he would have."

It was hard to stay mad at James, but then I remembered that I was alone and he wasn't.

"When we saw you were still awake he practically kicked me out of bed and ordered me to go here and make sure you were okay. He would've come himself, but he didn't think you would appreciate it very much."

I chuckled softly, but it sounded more like sobbing. Carlos rubbed my arm and I squeezed back, telling him I was alright. "I'll talk to James tomorrow," I whispered.

"Thanks," He said quietly. It was silent for a while and I realized this was better than being alone. Carlos was a really sweet friend. "How about James and I come help you finish the nursery tomorrow? It has to be done at some point. Do you still need to do a lot of shopping?"

I bit my lip. I'd hoped Kendall and I could do the nursery together, but really that dream bubble should've burst when we found out he had cancer. And it had to be done, like Carlos said, I couldn't wait until the last moment or until Kendall woke up, because maybe it would be too late. I was at the beginning of my seventh month, the c-section was scheduled at the end of the eighth month. I had no time to wait.

"That's okay," I whispered. "Then I'll get the old baby clothes and toys from the garage."

"Anything else you'll need? Pacifiers, diapers, formula, bottles, blankets?"

"All that," I mumbled.

"Alright, then we'll go shopping for that too sometime soon."

I nodded, but felt panicked. Were they going to keep me busy every hour of every day? Because I wanted to see Kendall. I wanted to be with him rather than I made a nursery or shopped for baby stuff. It was really sweet of them to do all this, but if they really wanted to help me they would let me be with Kendall instead of talking about all this shit of going on with life as normal as possible. I couldn't, damn it. I had to be with Kendall.

"Of course we'll stop by the hospital tomorrow too. James actually had a really good idea; he thought we should make a bunch of pictures and put them next to his bed, then we'll still be with him a little when we're at home."

I tensed up at the thought of Kendall being there all alone and cursed myself for being so incredibly selfish. I wasn't the only one who was alone, he was alone too. He didn't even have his friends around, because they were here helping me. James had had a moment of genius-ness when he thought up this idea.

"We'll take a picture of the three of us, one of you with Keira and Kegan, us with the girls, all children together, one of each of us alone. We can ask Mama Knight to do the same, get a picture of her and Bitters and also one with Katie and Dak and their kid. Kendall will love that, won't he? Seeing all of his family members when he wakes up."

"Yeah," I said quietly. Kendall would love that.

Carlos stayed quiet after that and I wondered if he'd fallen asleep. I guess he had, because Carlos usually wasn't this quiet. He never was. I stared ahead of me and tried not to think of Carlos too much, instead pretending the shorter body behind me was Kendall who had shrunken 6 inches. Carlos would go home tomorrow, to James, and they would cuddle together, maybe even make love and give each other a sweet kiss before snuggling even closer and falling asleep.

I wanted that too with Kendall, my amazing husband who was now on the edge of dying and all alone in a hospital. Kendall never slept well when he was alone, until a year ago he couldn't even sleep without touching me in some way. I wanted to be there for him now, like he had always been there for me, but I wouldn't even blame him if he gave up on life and moved on. So far I'd been a terrible husband, I deserved every minute of this hell. "Logan, what does Kendall do to comfort you?" Carlos whispered, startling me. I hadn't realized I was trembling as I tried to keep the tears back.

"He s-sings," I whimpered, immediately feeling like a weak baby. I was a grown man for god's sake! I should be able to suck it up and take this like a man. Maybe Carlos was right all along and I was more woman then man, but that thought only made me cry more.

Carlos didn't say anything about my weakness though, he started singing softly, some song I didn't recognize and it took me even longer to realize this song wasn't English, but Spanish. His voice wasn't like Kendall's at all, it wasn't as boyish as Kendall's, but a lot deeper, though the same amount of warmth came from it. Somehow, it was enough to make my feel sleepy and I closed my eyes, drifting off not much later.

* * *

><p>Waking up in the morning was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Sometimes when I went to bed angry or sad I forgot all about the reason why in the morning, this time though, I couldn't forget. It was everywhere. I woke up feeling cold, no arms around me to keep me warm, no hot body pressed against my back. I never woke up alone, Kendall always stayed in bed until I woke up. That was just how it was.<p>

I'd slept for a long time though, it was noon already. I wondered why Keira and Kegan hadn't come here to wake me up, but Carlos was probably still here to take care of them. Maybe James was here too now, with Lizzy and Ally... Was I ready to see the twins? Was I ready to face the reason I was going to lose Kendall?

I definitely wasn't.

I had to use the bathroom, an unwelcome effect of being pregnant. Pregnant with Kendall's baby, my gift to make it up to him for leaving him... It hurt too much to think about that. Slowly I walked from the bed to the bathroom, trying not to look around at everything that reminded me of him. I had been right last night, everything was easier when it was dark. At least then I couldn't see what I was missing out on. Everything reminded me of him, even the floor. How often did he walked here? Going to take a shower or just finishing one? Kendall showered every day, so it must have been a lot of times...

When I'd done my business I looked in the mirror above the sink. I looked terrible, which wasn't really surprising... I suddenly felt the great urge to take a shower. Maybe I would warm up a little then, if I closed my eyes the hot water might even feel like Kendall hugging me...

Normally I would already have gotten a kiss from him by this time, a hug, a soft squeeze in my hand, his hands on my stomach to feel Kenzie move. Now? Nothing. I longed for it already, after just a day. The doctors said Kendall would stay in his coma for at least four days, maybe even a week or two. How was I going to do that?

It would have been so much easier if everything had gone right. If Daniel didn't basically kidnap my husband and almost killed him. Then Kendall would have woken up last night and I would've talked to him. Then when I went home, I would miss him, but I would know he was alright and alive and I could go see him in the morning with Keira and Kegan.

Now I didn't just miss him: I feared for his life. And mine. And Keira's and Kegan's. And definitely Kenzie's life that didn't even start yet. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to grow up without a father. Actually I could, my father hadn't been around that much either, but it sucked and I didn't want that for her. She deserved to grow up with both her parents, just like Keira and Kegan. And Lizzy and Ally.

In the shower I sat on the floor and cradled my bump the best I could, leaning against the wall as I got wet. I just wanted to sleep until Kendall woke up. I wanted to be in a coma too and wake up at the same moment Kendall did, so we could be together again. Then he would say he had missed me and we would curl up together and think about nothing but each other. That's what I wanted right now too. I wanted to be with Kendall, happy because the surgery was a success and we were going to live happily ever after, with our three children and James and Carlos with a complete family as well.

The door opened a little bit and Carlos' head peeped around the edge, his eyes covered with his hand. "Hey, James and I made lunch, but we heard you go in the shower so we decided to wait for you. Are you coming soon?"

"Y-yeah," I said softly, while all I wanted was to scream no and run to the hospital to be with Kendall and hide under his bed until he woke up.

"Keira and Kegan are still at mama Knight's, but maybe it's better if they stay there for a few days longer?" He proposed.

My babies. I wanted them back home. I wanted to have everything that was valuable to Kendall around me, make sure nothing happened to them. And they were all I had left at the moment. "I want them home," I told him.

"Okay then. We'll go get them after we ate and then go to the hospital." Carlos left me alone again.

Ten minutes later I was finally ready to come out of the shower; ready to hide my tears for James and Carlos and my children. Tonight I would cry again.

Deciding what I was going to wear wasn't too hard. I had only one pair of jeans left that actually fit and I pulled the shirt Kendall wore the day before yesterday out of the hamper. It still smelled like Kendall and I didn't care what others thought. I missed Kendall and this way I felt a little bit closer to him.

While I was pulling on my clothes I was trying to think of what I would say to James. I didn't feel like talking at all, but maybe I could tell him I didn't really think it was his fault. Then he could stop worrying about that and leave me alone. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go to Kendall, hold his hand for a while and tell him how much I loved him and wanted him to wake up, then go to the Palm Woods, get my children and sleep with them in one bed tonight, maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone when I went to bed tonight. Carlos probably wouldn't want to stay another night.

I heard James and Carlos talking quietly in the kitchen as I slowly walked down the stairs. I wondered when they got here, what they did while I was still asleep. But I didn't care about it enough to really think about it. I just wanted Kendall back. I didn't get Kendall back by thinking about what my friends were doing in my house.

James was standing at the stove while Carlos was pouring juice in three glasses. I heard the television in the living room and assumed Lizzy and Ally were watching TV over there. My tallest friend looked up when he saw me and immediately tensed up. James looked terrible, as if he didn't sleep at all the past night. Which could actually be true.

"Logan, I…"

I forgot everything I thought about telling him and just hugged him. I could use a hug. James too. It didn't matter what he did anymore. What happened yesterday was really unfortunate and only Daniel's fault, no one else's. Not much later Carlos joined in too and suddenly we were three friends again, wondering if our fourth friend would come and join us again.


	26. Chapter 26

Kendall still wasn't awake. Two weeks, one day, twenty-one hours and fifty minutes after the incident, he was still in a coma. Everyone was starting to worry now, James and Carlos, mama Knight, Katie and Dak. Not to mention all the children. And me. I wasn't just worried anymore. I was scared. With every passing minute, the chance I would lose Kendall got bigger and bigger. I didn't know how I would deal with that. Mama Knight would probably never give me my children back if I Kendall passed away.

I was sitting there again. In that corner of the couch where Kendall always sat when he was here, watching TV, talking with James and Carlos. Or just the two of us, snuggling together in that corner, which was always so warm and nice and comfortable.

But without Kendall, this was just a corner of a couch. One you could find in any couch. Not nearly as warm or comfortable. With Kendall gone I was all alone, alone until mama Knight decided I could handle everything better. Or until Kendall woke up.

Two weeks ago, the day after Daniel decided to almost kill the love of my life, I had gone to the Palm Woods with James and Carlos with the goal of getting my children. But it didn't go that way. After I had explained what exactly happened the day before, with help of James and Carlos, she took my two friends with her to the hallway to talk to them.

I truly didn't care at that moment. The only thing I wanted was to have Kendall back and take my children home and lock ourselves in the house so nothing bad could ever happen again. As they were talking, I tried my best to explain my children what happened in the gentlest way, leaving the almost dead part and Daniel away. "So papa is sleeping like the sleeping beauty?" Keira had asked.

I answered 'yes', because then they wouldn't worry too much. The fairytale ended happily, there was no reason for them to believe this wouldn't end happily. Not yet.

But then Jennifer, James and Carlos came back from the hall and explained me their plan. "Maybe it's better for Keira and Kegan to stay here for a few more days," Mama Knight said gently. "Until you came over the shock and feel a little better. Taking care of two children on your own while you're pregnant is really tough, Logan."

At first I wanted to yell at the bitch to not be so ridiculous. They were my children and they were coming home with me, where they belonged! But after half an hour of reasoning from their side I reluctantly gave in. Maybe it was better. Maybe I would feel better in a few days. Maybe I just had to get over the shock, like they said...

But the longer I was alone, the more I realized how wrong this was. Without Keira and Kegan I had no reason to do anything anymore. I just waited. I waited until I could go back to Kendall in the morning. At the hospital I waited until I could go back to the Palm Woods. At the Palm Woods I waited until I could go see Kendall again. And when I got home, I just waited for the morning and the whole thing to start up again.

And this went on for two weeks and still no one wanted to give my children back to me. Even Katie was in on it now and agreed this was for the best. Obviously no one cared how I felt about it, this was all in Keira's and Kegan's best interests. I didn't see it though, because every day I visited them they cried when I left and wanted to come with me. No one cared I had to tell them over and over again that I couldn't yet, that grandma had forbidden me to take care of them. I couldn't explain that to two little children, I couldn't tell them their grandma told me not to take them home.

I did think about just going in there and simply taking them home. But that wasn't an option either. I couldn't do that to Kendall. I was sure if I took them home without mama Knight's permission I would lose her forever, even though she had not a single reason to keep my children away from me. This was also the reason why I didn't call the police or whatever other service that could get me my children back.

And I was lonelier than ever. Without Kendall, without my children. I had never cried in front of my children, I never ever let them hear how worried I was about Kendall, never showed them how scared I was to lose him. Then why would they keep them away from me? I could take care of them perfectly fine!

I stopped talking to them. Since a week, I hadn't said a word to mama Knight, James, Carlos or Katie. I only talked with my children. I listened to them, tried to laugh at their jokes or funny stories and answered them in any way I could, just so they would know I loved them.

Visiting Kendall in the hospital was definitely the hardest thing I ever did. I didn't want to see him like that. My strong, handsome, caring husband lying lifelessly on that bed, nothing more than a little pile of bones and skin. I hated watching his face get paler, his hands get colder, his weight reducing, his muscles shrinking and his spirit leaving a little more every day.

Kendall had always been strong, almost unbreakable to me. Though there he was, so close to the edge of life. How could I possibly live on if even Kendall couldn't? He was way stronger than I was, he would find a way to make the best of this and not break down. I could use a hug so bad at this moment, but even James and Carlos turned their back to me, keeping my children away from me like that. They probably would say they were still my friends, thinking they did what was best for me, but a real friend would never keep my children away. I didn't have the strength to fight back!

I might lose the love of my life, I was worried about what would happen if I did end up alone, with two children and an unborn baby. I worried what the stress would do to my already high risk pregnancy, which only made me stress more. I couldn't do this without Kendall. I couldn't do this without my children here to distract me. I couldn't do this without help from my friends and family, but I realized that without Kendall, I had absolutely no bond with them whatsoever.

Mama Knight and Katie were Kendall's family, James and Carlos were Kendall's friends. Kendall had been the one to keep us all together, without him, I appeared to have no one left. This incident had showed just how weak the bond was that kept us all together.

I didn't really care though. I only wanted two things. My children back and Kendall to wake up.

At least Kendall didn't go into vegetative state yet. I had no idea what I would do when that happened. It would reduce the chance of Kendall ever waking up to 0.001%. And I didn't want to see my love like that, awake, looking around and even focusing, but not seeing, not thinking. He would wake up and go to sleep in a normal rhythm, but he would not be aware he was doing it.

Then even the lifeless form he had now was better.

I curled in on myself and pulled the blanket from the armrest of the couch. I wished Kendall was here so I could hide in his arms and forget about this mess, but of course Kendall's absence was the cause of all my problems. Oh, what I would do to have him here, to have him back, instead of this stupid blanket that wasn't even capable of keeping me warm.

I stared out of the window again and tried to think of nothing.

* * *

><p>I put the new picture I made on his night stand, making sure it was in front of all the others. Then I went to the wall to close the curtains in front of the windows and dimmed the lights, at last I pulled out the fake candles ran on batteries and put them on, creating an almost romantic scene if it wasn't for the fact that Kendall was still lying lifelessly on that bed.<p>

I sat in the chair next to his bed and slipped my hand in his. As usual it was cold and it would take a while before it felt warm again. "I just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary," I said softly. To me it wasn't happy it at all, but that didn't mean Kendall shouldn't have a happy time where ever he was.

A tear escaped and I didn't even think of wiping it away. I'd wanted to celebrate this day with Kendall so bad, last year we couldn't because I chose to act like a dick and the year before that an important test had been planned on this day which made it impossible to do anything special besides having dinner together at a restaurant we both liked. I'd wanted this year to be special. We were married for five years, after all.

Kendall still referred to our wedding day as the best day of his life. For me it had been topped by several other days, like the ones on which I knew for sure Keira and Kegan were going to be safe and happy and healthy -not the days they were born, because each of those days had been a nightmare. And the day Kendall took me back, because I had been fearing he would never ever want me again.

But Kendall still loved that day most and I knew he had been dying to celebrate it again, to do something special and romantic and I had every intention to make this day as special and romantic as I possibly could in a hospital room while he wasn't even awake. Maybe it was silly of me, to do something for Kendall that he would never know of, but to me it was important. I wanted to be sure I did everything I could to give Kendall what he wanted, even now.

"We have been married for five years now," I said quietly. "Five years, Kendall. It's amazing, isn't it? Half of the couples in America divorce, but not us. I'll never leave you, no one else can possibly be as good as you are. And you should never let go of what's too good for you."

I hoped he heard me and would wake up and tell me he loved me so everything would be alright. I wanted to see him again so badly. "You were so happy that day," I remembered fondly. "All smiles and laughter and you looked so handsome."

"I loved your vow most," I whispered and ran my finger over his ring. "You said such sweet and amazing things and I never wanted to leave those few minutes behind, just play them over and over and over again and never forget a single word you said."

"You cried at my vow, but I still think I cried harder at yours. My speech wasn't nearly as good as yours. Mine was written and learned until I knew it inside out, while you never even thought of it, you just said whatever came up in your head, straight from your heart. It was then I really, truly realized you loved me and never wanted anything more than me and while this sounds incredibly selfish, I know it's true now."

"But Kendall, I love you just as much and need you a hundred times more than you need me. I don't know what I would do without you."

I pulled his hand to my face and rubbed my cheek against the back of it. "Come back to me, Kendall, please? I don't know how much longer I can go without you..."

I kissed each of his knuckles before resting my hands in my lap, holding his hand close to me. "I promise we'll do something amazing on our half anniversary, or when you wake up. Or whenever you want, as long as you wake up for me, okay?"

I stared at him and begged to any god who wanted to listen to please give me Kendall back. After everything we had been through we deserved a little peace, right? Every day I had to go back to an empty house. No Keira and Kegan, no Kendall. Only James or Carlos to make sure I ate and went to bed, they still tried to talk to me, but it was useless. Nothing they said could heal me, none of their words could take away my pain. The pain of losing the love of your life, possibly forever. They had no idea how to deal with that.

"I miss you."

That about covered everything I was feeling. When Kendall woke up I could get Keira and Kegan back. Kendall would get them back for me, he would believe me when I told him the story.

I got up abruptly and sat next to Kendall on the bed, then carefully snuggled into his side and rested my head on his chest. "I love you, Kendall. Please wake up for me? Take your time, I'll be waiting, but please wake up, okay?"

For a while I just laid there and listened to Kendall's slow heartbeat. It felt so wrong to curl up against him and not feel a comforting arm around my back. Kendall always cuddled back and now he didn't. "I wanted to bring you a present," I said quietly, "But I didn't know what you could use at the moment. I'll come up with something soon."

I kissed his cheek before resting my head back. "Just make sure you are here for your birthday, okay?"

I started fantasizing about next year, hoping we could do something special then. No, I didn't even care what we did, as long as he was with me next year I would be happy. Next year Kenzie would be almost a year old, and Kegan five and a half and Keira already seven. Maybe we could go camping next year in the summer, take the children somewhere they'd never been before.

I closed my eyes tiredly and already felt myself drifting off. I'd barely slept two hours and to lie here with Kendall was almost like he never got in a coma. I just wanted to sleep a few hours in a place that felt safe and comfortable, a place where Kendall was.

Almost at the beginning of my eight month of pregnancy, I felt time running out. The c-section was scheduled for November 11th, a few days after Kendall's birthday, because we didn't want those two days to be too close together. I'd laughed about that with Kendall, Keira was born on 6-6, Kegan on 3-3 and now Kenzie would come on 11-11. Funny coincidence.

I didn't want to do it on my own though. I couldn't do it on my own. Kendall wanted to be with me during the c-section really bad, but even more than he wanted it I needed him to be there. He had to make sure everything went as it was supposed to go. And with him in a coma, that was impossible. I definitely wasn't going to ask anyone else either; they would steal Kenzie from me before I even got to see her. I couldn't let that happen. They had Keira and Kegan, but they would never have Kenzie. She was mine.

I dreamt about Kendall waking up on the day of the c-section, that he would run into the OR and sit next to my head as the doctor cut me open, holding my hand and stroking my hair.

I cried when I woke up a few hours later, wishing so desperately that dream was true.

* * *

><p>I tripped over the loose carpet Kendall promised he would fix after the surgery. I fell over and instinctively caught myself to prevent falling on my bump. A second after I collided with the floor a sharp pain shot up my wrist and I quickly sat on my butt to get my hands off the floor. It really hurt.<p>

I turned around to look at the stairs, expecting Kendall to appear because he'd heard me fall. Then I remembered Kendall was in a coma, in the hospital, and couldn't possibly have heard me. I bit my lip and stared ahead of me, the pain in my wrist forgotten. Losing Kendall hurt way more than a sprained wrist.

New tears escaped my eyes as I sat there on the ground, all alone in my house. No children, no Kendall, no James and Carlos coming to eat dinner. No mama Knight, no Katie, no one. Just me and Kenzie, but she wasn't even really here yet. Kendall was never gone at night, he never left me unless he really had too. How was I going to do this?

I was cold. I was tired. My wrist hurt, I really did sprain it. My heart was broken, my mind filled with yearning for Kendall. Why didn't Kendall listen to me four weeks ago? Why hadn't I been more persuasive?

Kenzie kicked me hard. She probably hated me for losing Kendall. She was his baby and now he was gone. She was totally right to hate me. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. I wanted nothing more than Kendall. And I didn't even deserve him. I'd never done anything to deserve him.

Kendall was so sweet to me. He was gentle, he was caring, he loved me more than was good for him. He was never mad, he never yelled at me, he never thought I did anything wrong even when I totally had done something wrong. He helped me, he held me, he protected me and he gave me everything I wanted. And never had I done anything to deserve it. How could he love me so much?

Kendall gave. Kendall did everything for everyone, you just had to ask. I took. Everything I could get, everything I wanted. I was really a horrible person. Possessive, jealous, selfish. Kendall spoiled me so much I couldn't live without him anymore. I had no idea how. I'd never lived a day without knowing Kendall was waiting for me at home, that he still wanted me and loved me and would take care of me when I needed it, except for those ten days after he kicked me out and right now, when I didn't know if Kendall would wake up.

I deserved every fucking minute of this.

I screamed out and felt some of the pain leaving my body. But when I was done the house sounded quieter than ever. I was even more tired now and wondered how I was going to sleep. When I was pregnant I could only ever sleep with Kendall's arms around me, when he was supporting my stomach and made me feel safe. The last month it had been a struggle to sleep, waking up every few hours or not falling asleep at all. In bed it was impossible to forget Kendall wasn't here.

I wanted so bad for him to appear at the top of the stairs, a worried expression on his face as he saw me sitting here on the floor. He would help me up and hug me tight, asking if I was okay. Then I would tell him about my wrist and he would take care of it, get some ice to reduce swelling and then wrap it up in a bandage. Maybe he would even run a bath for me and then cuddle with me in it. Then we would go to bed and he would sing to me quietly and I would fall asleep peacefully, resting warm and secure in his arms.

That would've happened on a normal day.

A day without cancer, a day with Ally here, a day without worries of Keira getting bullied. A day without being kidnapped by Jett, or fearing for Kegan's life as he was only just born. A day without med school and mama Knight and Katie hated me, a day without James and Carlos who are mad at me. Just a normal day, one that so far had only existed in my imagination.

I shivered and got up, realizing it wouldn't be good if I got a cold on top of a sprained wrist. I didn't want to risk Kenzie too. I had to keep her safe, it was the least I could do for Kendall until he woke up -if he woke up. Maybe I could sleep when I thought really hard of Kendall waking up tomorrow.

Kendall's smell was gone. The last month I'd been wearing his clothes that were in the hamper, the once that were used and smelled like him a bit still. But I'd worn them all by now, multiple times, and Kendall's smell was gone. From his clothes, from his side if the bed -I didn't have it in me to put clean sheets on the bed even though it started to stink-from the whole house. It was the only thing that made me able to imagine he was still here and now it was gone.

First I went into the bathroom and wrapped a bandage around my wrist for support. I had to go to Dr. Young tomorrow anyway, might as well let him take a look at this. He was going to do an internal examination, which was really uncomfortable, but usually Kendall was there to hold my hand. Now I had to do it on my own.

Once in bed I tried to find for a comfortable position. A pillow under my stomach and behind my back usually helped, but today it didn't. I couldn't find a good place to rest my wrist and I was too cold to fall asleep, my back hurt and Kenzie decided this was a great time to start kicking my bladder again, which didn't make this any easier.

What I would give for Kendall to be here right now. I would kill if I knew it would help him wake up.

* * *

><p>I slipped into Kendall's room about half an hour before I had my appointment with Dr. Young. After a week, I stopped telling the staff on the IC I was here. They already knew I would come, I never skipped a day. I would stay here until Keira and Kegan got out of school at two and then go to there to see them, I stayed until mama Knight sent me away and depending on what time it was I went home or back to Kendall.<p>

Keira was in first grade and learning how to read and write. It was such a major change, because suddenly it was a lot harder to keep certain things from her. She officially wasn't a small child anymore. She was now a big child and I knew for sure Kendall had wanted to see that change. To see her learn such important things.

Yesterday she wrote a letter to him, with help from her teacher, but she actually wrote a letter with three whole sentences. Keira said I couldn't read it, that I had to give it to papa so he could read it when he woke up, but I didn't have the strength and I read anyway. Those few lines told me more about what she felt then anything she'd ever said to me about her father being in a coma. I'd thought she didn't completely understand it, like Kegan, but I once again underestimated how sharp she was, how quickly she understood.

Dear papa,

I can write now. I am sad you are not here. Wake up soon.

Love, Keira.

Of course Kegan had wanted to write a letter too after Keira did it, but all he managed was to write his name multiple times, the 'e's' written the other way around. He'd drawn two people, one with blonde hair and one with brown hair, which I assumed were him and Kendall together, but halfway through he'd given up and started doing something else. Kegan wasn't really arts-y.

I kissed Kendall's forehead and sat in the chair next to his bed. Someone had changed the flowers on the table in the corner and the sheets on his bed were clean, but that was all that had changed since yesterday. Kendall still lied completely still on that bed, lifeless apart from the almost unnoticeable rising and falling of his chest.

I'd taken a new picture yesterday as well. One of Keira, Kegan and me together in 2J. I did that every day, so Kendall could see them when he woke up and he didn't have to miss anything. I'd also hidden a secret pictures in one of the picture frames, a picture I looked at when it almost got too much. It was an older pictures, not that old, but a year at least. It was just me and Kendall on it, taken from close-by by me. I remember how he'd stand behind me, his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. I was smiling brightly, while Kendall looked at me. It was a complete accident, but this was the only picture that captured the look Kendall had in his eyes when he looked at me. That one look just for me.

It helped me to remember what I was holding on for, what I was waiting for.

* * *

><p>"Daddy!" Kegan cried when I stepped into 2J. He ran up to me and grabbed my leg. "I missed you."<p>

I closed my eyes for a moment before sinking down to his level to give him a hug. Lifting him up to hug him just wasn't an option anymore. "I missed you too, Kegie."

He smiled at me cheerily and a moment later Keira was next to him, hugging me as well. "We missed you, daddy."

I kissed the top of her head and got up, taking their hands to pull them to the couch with me. "Papa, what's on your arm?" Keira asked curiously.

Oh, right. My cast. "I tripped yesterday, Keke, but I'm okay now."

"Did you break your arm like I did?"

"Yes."

"But it doesn't hurt anymore, yes?"

"It doesn't hurt anymore, baby."

"Can I write my name on it?"

"Sure, but let me get something to drink first, okay?"

They nodded and I went to the kitchen to get a drink, which was quite hard with one hand in a cast. Now I was away from my children I started thinking about Kendall again. It was impossible not to. I shook my head and quickly went back to my babies on the couch, they were the only persons that could distract me.

As soon as I sat down Keira and Kegan attacked my cast with colored pens. They told me what they did at school, what they learned and the new friends they made. I was glad to hear Keira found two other girls she liked, Lily and Cara, and she and Jenna made friends with them. Ally first went to school last week, to the same class Lizzy and Kegan were in. Kegan loved telling what the three of them did. He was really happy to have another friend and was really possessive of his two buddies.

But when I had been alone with my children for half an hour, I wondered where Jennifer was. Usually she was always here, watching her grandchildren like a hawk. I was getting mad, because obviously she wasn't even in the apartment, which meant she left my children here all alone.

I should just get up and take them home with me.

"Daddy, why can baby stay with you and we can't!" Kegan burst suddenly. "We were here first!"

"We want to go home too," Keira said quietly.

"Yeah!" Kegan said.

I was perplexed; how could they've known what I was thinking about? But when I stared at their little faces I realized this had been on their minds for a while now and they had definitely been talking about this together. I wished I could tell them how much I wanted to take them home with me. I got up and sat between my children on the bed. "But baby can't come out of me yet, babies. Baby's still too small."

"But we're small too, daddy," Kegan said softly, leaning into my side.

"I know, buddy," I mumbled and pulled him and Keira closer. "But you have to be big now, both of you."

"But we don't want to be big, we want to go with you," Kegan whispered.

I couldn't help the tear that escaped my eye then. Fortunately neither of my children was looking at my face, they were too busy crying themselves.

"It will be okay," I whispered to them. "You can come home with me soon, I'll make sure of it."

"And papa too?" Kegan asked quietly. "Papa has to go home too."

Kendall. We were back to Kendall. They wanted their papa back as much as I wanted him back. I pulled them closer to me, it took all my willpower to not start sobbing. Instead I told them another lie. "Papa will come home soon too, buddy. W-we'll all go home soon."

The door opened and mama Knight came in. I quickly wiped the tears of my cheeks to hide them for her, but I wasn't fast enough. The glare in my direction told me she'd seen them. "Hello Logan."

"Hey," I mumbled. Kegan pressed his face in my side and Keira put her arms tighter around my neck. Kenzie kicked me softly, probably a slap from her hand instead of her foot. I didn't want to leave any of them, they had to stay with me. I was going to try again today, I had to take them home with me. For Kendall. Kendall wouldn't want them to stay with his mother. Kendall wanted his children to stay with me.

"How are you?" She asked. It was just a formality. She didn't really care. I had no idea what happened to the sweet lady that was more like my mother then my own had ever been.

"I'm okay," I said quietly, not wanting to admit I rather wanted to die than spend one more second without Kendall when my children were in the same room.

Suicide had crossed my mind more than one time the past month. It was incredibly hard to keep on going without the person I did it all for, the biggest part of the reason why I wanted to live: the biggest part of the reason why I was still alive. But then I thought of my children and I knew I would never be able to kill myself. I didn't want them to be orphans. They had to have at least one of their parents with them, one father that loved them and took care of them.

I'd always hoped I would be the one to die first, that I would never have to know what it was like to raise our children alone. Kendall was so much stronger than I was, he would've been able to handle everything on his own. I needed him more than he needed me.

But here I was. Alone. With two children and one on the way. I couldn't do this without Kendall, I couldn't. But I couldn't leave my babies, Kendall didn't want me to. And I didn't want to.

Biting my lip I looked out of the window, away from mama Knight, who suddenly looked too much like her son. Why couldn't he be here now?

* * *

><p>"I want to take them home," I said quietly. I was sitting at the kitchen table with Jennifer, after bringing my children to bed. I stayed longer in 2J today. Keira and Kegan needed me more than Kendall today and I had to make sure they were okay before I went back to Kendall. Kendall would never forgive me if I chose him over my children when they were this sad.<p>

"I really don't think you are ready for that, honey," She said and covered my hand with her own. "I see you're still having a really hard time dealing with this all, children will not help you process it."

"I'll never stop having a hard time dealing with this," I said sharply. "I love Kendall, more than anything else in the world. You know what it's like to lose the person you loved most."

For a moment I something that matched pain on her face, but it was gone too fast to be sure. "That's right and back then I wished I had someone to take care of my children while I dealt with Kevin's death. Now I can do that for you."

"But Kendall isn't dead and I need my children to distract me. And they need me. Don't you see how much they want to go home?"

"Nonsense. They were fine before you got here, playing and laughing together. As soon as you got here they were reminded of... what they had before."

"What are you saying?"

"Maybe it's better... if you give them a little bit of space. Some time to get used to their new situation. They remember everything that's going on the moment you walk in that door."

"No. I'll not stay away. They want to come home, they told me so myself. They miss me, they miss Kendall and what they need is to go on as normal as possible without Kendall. It's not better for them when they stay here."

"I'm not talking about what's better for them, we're talking about what is better for you. You have one arm in a cast, you are emotionally very unstable and you're pregnant, for heaven's sake! You can't take care of two young children!"

"I'm sick of everyone using my pregnancy as an excuse to take decisions for me! You, Kendall, James, Carlos! I'm having a baby, I'm not crazy! This whole situation is bad for me, to have my children with me or not with me is not going to make a difference for me, it'll only be better for them! They need me, who else do they have now?"

"They have loads of people who love them, Logan. You really don't have to do this on your own, honey."

And that's how she once again won me over. I was still allowed to visit my children, but now only every other way. My attempt to get my children home only brought me further away from them. During the ride back home I couldn't keep my tears at bay and got loads of weird looks from people who stood next to me at the traffic lights.

The pain was almost unbearable. I only wanted to have my family back, nothing more. Everyone had a family, but mine had fallen to pieces. And I had no parents to fall back on. My children were with my mother in law, my husband was in a coma and I was home alone with a baby that wasn't even born yet.

I wished I had a way to forget for a while, only for a few minutes. Just a few moments I could forget about Kendall, forget about my hurting babies, forget I was so alone...

And then it hit me.

As soon as I was home, I walked to the bathroom and reached into the cabinet, searching for that one thing that was so familiar, something I saw Kendall use at least every other day. It seemed fitting I would use his for what I was going to do. Kendall had always relieved my pain and now he would do so once again.

I forgot as soon as the searing pain of the cut ran through my body.


	27. Chapter 27

For a week, everything went great. I cut every morning and every night in the shower, deep, straight lines in my skin that would sting a lot, but wouldn't scar too much. I let the hot water run over them to add to the pain and it was good for ten minutes without heartache. Ten minutes I wouldn't think of Kendall and my babies.

I visited Keira and Kegan every other day for as long as I could, the rest of the time I spent with Kendall at the hospital. Talking to him, holding him and kissing him softly, trying everything to wake him up. I told him little stories about what we had done together, little trips we made I enjoyed a lot, parties I didn't like very much. I told him what I felt at those moments and how he'd always made it better.

I hoped I would tell him something that would touch him so deeply he would wake up immediately to hug me close. Oh, how I wanted a hug... One of those tight ones, where I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat as he mumbled sweet things to me and stroked my hair and cheeks. I wanted one of those so badly...

But now I relieved myself of the pain several times a day, I could handle everything better. I put clean sheets on all the beds the first day and prepared the nursery the second, so it was ready for little Kendall. I went shopping for little things the next day and watched TV on day four. Day five I spent doing laundry and yesterday I even smiled on the picture we took for Kendall, something we did every day to make sure he didn't miss a day of our lives. Keira wrote more stories to her papa and I tried to do the same, but that was one thing I still couldn't do. The hurt was too deep.

Daniel's businesses had been investigated and they had enough evidence to sent him to prison for the rest of his life. I was glad. Asshole didn't deserve any less for almost killing my husband.

I still didn't talk to James, Carlos, Katie and mama Knight. They were practically kidnapping my children and I should go to the police, but I was scared they would get Child Protective Services involved and they would give them right. Then I would really never get my babies back. It was incredibly unfair, but without Kendall I didn't stand a chance.

I was scared what would happen when Kenzie would come into this world before Kendall woke up. I didn't want to lose her too, she had to stay with me. Kenzie was my baby, my baby for Kendall. I'd already failed at being there for my oldest two, but I had to be there for my baby. I was her father. I was.

I ran my fingers lightly over my bump, at 32 weeks she should be able to feel it when I touched my stomach and react to it. In just four weeks her lungs would be ripe and she would come to world by c-section. The c-section Kendall wanted to attend so badly...

"Logan, next week there is a parent-teacher meeting for Kegan's class and I'll go to it since I've been taking care of him for the last five weeks. Katie is coming over to watch Keira then, I thought you should know."

I wanted to object. Kegan was my son, I should go to that meeting. I knew him better than her, I had more rights, but I knew it was useless. Mama Knight would find a way to get it all done her way and I would be left with empty hands, as always. "Okay," I said quietly, focusing on my game of shuts and ladders with Keira and Kegan. They were more important anyway.

"Daddy, can we go see papa sometime?" Keira asked suddenly.

"You should ask grandma, honey, but I'm okay with it."

"Grandma says we can't, but we really, really want to," Keira told me and Kegan nodded in agreement.

"I'll talk to grandma, I promise you." Jennifer would never let them see Kendall. I thought it might be good for them to see their papa again.

"We want to give him the card we made."

"You made a card for papa?"

"Yes, it's really pretty! Grandma said she would bring it to papa, but we want to give it ourselves, right, Kegan?"

My baby boy nodded eagerly and got off his chair to crawl in my lap, where he only just fitted, curled around my bump. "And you have to come with us, daddy."

"I will, baby, I'll always come with you."

"Is papa an angels now?" Kegan asked softly.

Kendall? An angel? Kendall was better than an angel. Kendall was purely good, sweet, handsome, strong, amazing, caring, loving... But I understood what Kegan meant and I slowly nodded. "Maybe he's an angel for now, Kegie, but... but he will he back. Papa will be back."

"And then we'll go see snow!" Kegan said excitedly.

It was hard to realize Kegan and Keira had never seen snow, while Kendall and I had grown up with it. "Do you want to see snow?"

"Yes!" Two voices said eagerly.

"Then we'll go see snow when papa wakes up, I promise."

They both smiled at me happily and Kegan put his arms around me, pressing his face in my chest. "Logie love, daddy."

"Love you too, baby," I mumbled and put my arms around him. This was alright. I had Keira, Kegan and Kenzie right here with me, only Kendall was missing.

My Kendall. What I would do to stare in his eyes and see that look again. The look Kendall had in his eyes for me only. It was a soft kind of love, one that melted the green in his eyes, but it was also passionate, so passionate it set the green on fire and made it burn. I could tell by that look that Kendall loved me.

It made me wonder if he could tell I loved him by just the look in my eyes.

I hoped so.

Kendall had to know I loved him and would never leave him so he could wake up and spend the rest of his life with me. That was what I wanted most, what I desired and what I needed. Oh, that look...

* * *

><p>"Logan! Oh my god, what have you done?"<p>

I looked at James, my world frozen. He'd seen it. Why was he here? Why now? Usually James and Carlos only came to get me around dinner time and breakfast to make sure I ate something. They never came to me during the day. Never.

"Jesus," James whispered as he came up to me. I did nothing to hide the cuts on my arm, it wouldn't help me any. I was surprised by the gentle way James took a hold of my arm and examined the cuts I made in it. Now he was looking at my damaged skin so sad and slightly guilty I started to realize what I'd really done to myself. I'd scarred my own skin, possibly for life because these kind of cuts rarely healed completely; I'd seen the results of cutting often enough when I was in med school.

James was talking to me, but I couldn't listen. I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. Kendall would've known what to do, how to deal with this situation. Kendall was great in crisis's, he always helped everyone in need and especially me, because he was my husband and I needed him. I needed him now.

I wanted to ask James where Kendall was, but I couldn't find my voice. In the back of my head a little voice was screaming that Kendall wasn't here, but that couldn't be right. Right? Kendall was always here when I needed him, he would never leave when there was a chance I might need him. He must be around somewhere.

James picked me up and I wondered if he was going to bring me to Kendall. I hoped so. I could really use a hug now, a tight one. Warm and safe in the arms of the person I loved most. I almost smiled when I thought of it, hugging Kendall, all his love and attention on me. He would run his fingers through my hair and keep me close, pressing soft kisses to me forehead as he hummed softly to calm me down. Then he would look in my eyes for a while to see if I really calmed down and kiss me softly. He would pull me close again and whisper he loved me in my ear. I sighed and relaxed into James' arms, I wanted that. I just had to wait a little while for James to bring me to the hospital and then I could...

My beautiful fantasy shattered into a thousand little pieces when I remembered Kendall was in a coma and he would never be able to hug me in that condition. I felt tears once again well up in my eyes and slowly trickle down my cheeks, feeling the immense hurt and heartache of Kendall like the first time I heard he was in a coma. I'd only wanted a hug, but I couldn't even have that anymore.

I was vaguely aware of being set down and something tight coming across my chest and abdomen, I was only seeing Kendall lying lifelessly in that hospital bed. My strong husband, reduced to that small person in that bed. We'd already had so many misfortunes, we never had the chance to really enjoy the life we had, going from one accident into the next. I just wanted to have him back home, with my children and baby Kenzie. It was all I wanted. Nothing more. Just my family.

James was talking to me again and this time I tried to listen to what he said. I didn't want him to bring me to mama Knight; she would never let me come near my children again if she saw this. "... stay with me. I'll Carlos and set it up. We have a spare room because Ally can only sleep in Lizzy's room. We're gonna fix this, buddy, it's-"

"Don't tell mama Knight?" I whispered.

"Logan, I have to... It's not that I want to, but-"

"Please? She'll never let me see them again, I can't have that, James. I have to see them, they need me!"

"It's okay," He soothed, reaching out for my hand. "I won't tell her, but you have to promise me you don't do this again, I have to when you do it again."

I nodded quickly. I could do that. Not for myself, but for my babies. I had to see them, I had to make sure they were okay. For Kendall. I couldn't let anything happen to them while he was in a coma, he'd done the same when I was in med school.

James drove onto the parking lot of the hospital and my eyes grew wide. "What are you doing?" I asked panicky.

"I'm getting you to that doctor of yours, someone has to look at- at.. at your arm."

"No. No, I'm not going in there."

"You have to, Logan. Or I'll tell mama Knight. Kendall is already going to kill me for letting you hurt yourself, but hopefully my death won't be too painful if I get you the right help." He parked the car and unbuckled his seat belt. "I'll carry you if I have to."

I bit my lip and took my own seat belt off. I didn't want to go into the hospital. I didn't want to show these cuts to anyone, especially not my doctor. The guy had seen me in the most embarrassing positions, I didn't want him to see this too.

But I had no choice.

James put his hand on the small of my back and walked with me all the way to the maternity ward, a path neither of us would ever forget. I had no appointment and I had no idea if the doctor was working today. Unfortunately for me, he came out of his office with a lunch bag in his hand. "Hey there," James said quickly and pushed me towards the doctor. "Do you have a little time for Logan here?"

"Yes, of course. What's wrong, Logan? Besides the obvious then," He added quickly. Dr. Young knew about Kendall. Everyone in the world knew about Kendall. I hadn't seen my mailbox or twitter account in a while, but I could imagine everyone was shocked about what happened to Kendall. I didn't really want to know.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out and closed it again, feeling helpless in a situation I couldn't control. "He, uhm, he-" James looked around quickly and saw several people were watching us. How big was the chance one of them recognized us. "Can we talk somewhere more private?"

"Of course. We'll go to my office." He opened the door for us and closed it behind him securely. "You've no problem with the baby, right? Everything looked fine last week."

I shook my head and looked down. No, if anything happened to Kendall my life would officially be hell. She was the only member of my family doing fine at the moment and I liked to keep it that way. I would never risk my baby.

"It's his arm," James said quickly. He pulled my sleeve up all the way to my shoulder, revealing first the cast, then the cuts on my upper arm. I continued to stare at the floor. I didn't want to see their faces.

"Oh dear," Dr. Young said surprised. "Logan, what were you thinking?" He came up to me and gently took a hold of my arm to examine the cuts. "Not too deep," He mumbled, "Straight, the size of a razor blade, but clean. Not older than a week, I would say." I heard James gasp and of course, to him a week was long. He'd clearly been thinking today was the only time I did it. The doctor ignored him. "They're obviously made and taken care of by a doctor. Why did you do this, Logan?"

I shrugged. I'd wanted to forget about Kendall, forget about the pain and heartache, but James and Dr. Young wouldn't understand that. They each had a wife and husband and were happily together. They had no idea what it was like to live without the love of your life.

"Mr. Diamond, could you leave us alone for a few minutes? I have to ask Logan some more questions."

James nodded and left, Dr. Young took his chair and pulled it closer. "I get you miss your husband, but this is not the solution."

"I know," I whispered.

"It's that I know you would never harm your children, I've known you for a while now, but with any other person I would have called child protective services. Usually a parent who harms himself doesn't take care of himself or his children very well. I know by accident that your children are already staying with their grandmother and I suggest you leave them there for a while. This is really serious, Logan. You could've lost them with this, or been put under verification."

I stared at the man. He was right, of course. I knew this too. Why hadn't I thought of this earlier? I could've lost my children! I would never have done it if there was a chance I would lose my babies! "I'm not going to tell anyone, like I already said. But you have to stop this, Logan."

I nodded quickly. I'd already promised it to James, but I would promise anyone as long as I could continue to see my children. There was nothing left to live for, not without Kendall here. "Okay," I whispered.

"Good. Then I have one last question; can you honestly tell me this is the only place you cut? I have to clean all the wounds to prevent infection, because while you've probably done this safely, razor blades generally aren't the cleanest things."

I was back to staring at the man, which was answer enough for him. "Where, Logan?" He asked gently.

With a trembling hand I ran my fingers over my leg, from halfway my thigh to just below my hip.

"I thought so," He sighed and got up. "Let's go clean and bandage them."

I got up too and followed him into his examination room, a place came every week during my pregnancies. Knowing Dr. Young would do it for me when I didn't do it myself, I took off all my clothes and sat on the table. I'd lost my dignity in his office and by now there was nothing that man hadn't seen of me.

The cuts on my legs were deeper and longer, but fewer. I'd cut my arm several times a day, while I only cut my legs while I was in the shower. I bled more from those, while my arm was perfect for a quick relieve. I simply stared ahead of me while the doctor treated my cuts and put bandages around them. "You have to chance them every day, you know how. And I will talk to your friend so he can make sure you really do it. You have to take care of yourself, Logan, you wouldn't want to get an infection and have it affect your baby."

I bit my lip and nodded again. I would never let anything happen to Kendall's baby, little Kendall, the Kendall that would replace my Kendall if he didn't make it. I looked away from Dr. Young to hide the tears that came to my eyes. I wanted to go to Kendall, hold his hand for a while and beg him silently to come back to me.

"Hey," Dr. Young said quietly. "We could pull our appointment for the ultrasound a bit closer and do it now. See your baby in 3D, we should get a really good view by now."

I'd forgotten about that. A few months ago Kendall and I had told him we wanted to have a 3D ultrasound, technology that didn't yet existed when I was pregnant with Kegan and Keira. Especially Kendall had been excited about that, he wanted to see what it looked like inside of me. "Yes, please," I whispered.

"Alright. Put your clothes back on before you get clothes, you want me to call your friend?"

James. "Yeah, that's okay."

I dressed again and laid down on the table. Now I could go to Kendall and show him his daughter. He'd been so excited to meet her, to see her, to hold her. Kendall told me once h le was jealous of me, that he wished he would be able to carry them like I did. I'd always told him that it was no big deal, that I didn't really like it to be pregnant, but I infect loved it. Not the extra eating, not the weight gain, not the swollen ankles or the pain in my back, but I loved to feel our baby grow, the soft kicks only I could feel, the gentle movements that told me my baby was alright and healthy. It was amazing and I would never tell Kendall, I didn't want to make him more jealous.

James came in and rushed to my side, he took a hold of my hand and squeezed softly. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, but my attention was quickly back on the doctor who had begun to cover my belly in gel and was now moving over it with a different transducer than normally. "Do you want me to record it?" He asked me.

I shook my head. "I want a picture." A picture to put with the others on Kendall's night stand. Then he would be surrounded by all the members of his family.

* * *

><p>I slowly walked into Kendall's room, holding the picture to me tightly in my hand. James was waiting for me outside, he wanted to come with me, but I stopped him. I wanted to be alone with Kendall. "Hey," I whispered and sat in the chair next to his bed that had become my chair. I took his hand and held it in mine tightly. "I did the 3D ultrasound today," I told him quietly. "She's so beautiful, Kendall."<p>

I glanced at the picture in my hand. I had more, but this was the one I wanted to leave with Kendall. Her little face and shoulders, her small hands opened next to her cheeks. Kenzie was such a cute little baby and she looked so much like Kendall. I hoped I would finally have a baby with his green eyes, the eyes I loved so much.

I'd been looking through the pictures while Dr. Young told James what he had to do and what we'd talked about, leaving the part about child protective services out of it. I didn't really care, I was looking at my youngest daughter.

"I brought you a picture of her," I told him quietly. "She looks a lot like you and now she'll be with you like we're all here with you."

I felt new tears run down my cheeks as I looked at his motionless face. For a week I'd been able to sit here without crying at all, I almost felt good again. Now my way of relieving myself from the pain had been discovered and I couldn't do it anymore, or I would lose my children. And I was back to hurting so deeply, so strongly I could barely do anything other than crying. I just wanted to curl up against Kendall and die in his arms. I didn't want to go on without him.

I sat on the edge of his bed and stared at his face, a face usually full of emotion, good ones. He was always smiling, always happy. Gently I ran my fingers of his cheeks and chin, his nose and eyelids. Why couldn't he smile at me? Give me just a little sign he would be alright? I ran my finger over his lips, hating how chapped they were. Kendall always had soft lips, amazingly soft lips I loved to kiss.

I had to bring a chap stick next time I went here.

I kissed his forehead before wrapping my arms around his neck and gently holding him against my chest, slowly rocking. "I miss you so much," I whispered, "I miss you too much."

Kendall would've hugged me back when I wrapped my arms around him, he always hugged me back. "When you wake up, I'm never going to let you go again, I'll lock you in our room. With me. And we're going to curl up together and not leave for at least a week."

I remembered how it was to lie with Kendall in bed, instead of alone. I loved it. He always fit around me so perfectly, his arms around me tightly. I loved being held by Kendall. I loved his kisses, I loved his eyes, I loved the look in them. I loved his scent, I loved his hair, I loved his hand, I loved his feet, I loved sitting in his lap. I loved everything he did for me, I loved that he wanted me, I loved that he took care of me; of our children; of everyone. I wanted have him with me again, so I could tell him exactly how much I loved him and show it to him with everything I did.

Gently I put his head back on his pillow and pressed my face into his chest, the sobs taking over my body. I wanted Kendall back, then everything would be alright again. I would get my children back, my baby would be born with her father there, my friends could stop feeling guilty and responsible for me. "I need you," I whimpered, "Come back, Kendall. Please come back to me."

I pulled his hand to my face and held it to my cheek, closing my eyes. I wished he would softly stroke my cheek with his thumb, like he always did when I was upset. I could use a hug so bad right now.

Which was why I looked up hopeful when I felt a hand on my middle, but his face was as still as ever. "Just me, I'm sorry," James mumbled. My vision got blurry again and I closed my eyes. For one second I had thought it was Kendall who touched me, Kendall who woke up. For one second I had hope Kendall had woken up.

James didn't leave. He sat next to me and rubbed my back as I cried into Kendall's chest and strangely it made me feel better. I needed a friend here to help me through this, I could really use the comfort of another person here. When I finally had no more tears to spend, James helped me put the picture of Kenzie in a frame. He waited by the door as I kissed Kendall and told him I would be back tomorrow, then he held my hand as we walked back to the car and the whole ride back home.

"Let's get you some clothes and then go eat something," He said softly as he pulled me to my house.

"Why?"

"I told you on the ride to the hospital, remember?" He asked gently, sighing when I shook my head. "You're staying with me and Carlos for while, at least until those cuts are healed. I talked about it with Dr. Young and he agrees it's for the best."

I thought about it for a while, but I didn't honestly care much. My home didn't feel like home without Kendall and my children there. If he would be there or with James and Carlos would make no difference. And if it would ease his mind, then I was okay with it. I nodded at James and let him pull me to the house.

We packed some clothes -a lot of Kendall's shirts- and I took both his and my pillow, because without those I couldn't sleep. Then I let him take my hand again and guide me back to his house. It was completely silent when we walked into the house, something I found very unusual. "Where is everybody?"

"Carlos is in Texas to film a special scene with the cast of his show and the girls are having a sleep over with Keira and Kegan. Lizzy missed her friend."

I nodded and followed James upstairs where he led me into the spare room they had. There was a big bed in the middle of the room, because when we had family dinner over here and Katie and Dak or mama Knight decided to sleep over, Kendall and I had no room in our house. That's why James and Carlos offered their room.

I dropped my bags and carefully settled the pillows on the bed. I saw a blonde hair lying on the white pillow case and my heart filled with longing once again. I left it on the pillow, I didn't want to lose that little piece of Kendall. "Let's eat something, Carlos left left-over taco's in the refrigerator."

We sat in the living room because James wanted to watch the new episode of his favorite show. I tried to eat all of the taco's, but the sharp taste and hard pieces clashed with my stomach. Instead I curled up in the corner and stared at the picture that hung on the wall next to the TV. A picture of us four friends, when our band was at its top.

Kendall looked so amazing on it, smiling and happy, because everything in our lives was going perfectly. I wished I could step back into that picture and be with the Kendall he was back then. Kendall barely changed any since that picture was taken, but I did. I changed a lot.

"Hey," James said quietly, "Come closer."

I bit my lip and stared at him for a moment, not sure if this was the best thing to do. I'd always had a great friendship with James, but the line between platonic and not platonic was really thin.

What the hell was I thinking? James just wanted to give me a hug! He was really happy with Carlos and I would never cheat on Kendall, knowing it would break his heart.

I scooted closer and leaned into James' side, resting my head on his chest and closing my eyes. This was better than curling up in a corner of the couch. James was warm and he smelled good, it kept me calm enough to dooze off when I thought of Kendall. James' hands were lying on the exact same place where Kendall always put them when we were sitting like this; one on my middle and one on my bump.

I realized this was working quite well. As long as James acted like substitute Kendall, I could keep my head cool and be calm about everything. They didn't feel the same, they didn't smell the same, they weren't the same at all, but they were equally caring and soft. It was probably why I felt closer to James than to Carlos.

A little while later James started moving; he put his arms behind my back and under my knees and lifted me up. I opened my eyes to see what he was going to do, James smiled guiltily when he saw it. "I thought you were sleeping and I was about to bring you to bed."

"It's okay," I said softly.

I was surprised how easily he carried me up the stairs, but then realized he was a lot stronger than Kendall. Suddenly all the times Kendall struggled to carry me up the stairs seemed adorable and cute. James put me down in the spare room and left after wishing me a good night.

I dressed in Kendall's sleeping shirt, the one with all the holes and crawled into the unfamiliar bed, falling asleep from exhaustion almost immediately.

* * *

><p>But it didn't last very long. I woke up at midnight -the alarm on the table told me so- and I couldn't fall asleep again. There was this strange rattling noise and I had no idea where it came from. Kendall and I didn't have these kind of noises at him. It changed to ticking and I crawled in on myself when I remembered I'd heard that noise when I was in the little room Jett kept me in, or I thought so.<p>

It was cold in this bed, alone and sad. When Kendall woke up, I would cuddle with him until a print of my body had formed in his skin. I wanted to have all him all to myself and never, ever, let him go again. And then, when I felt good enough, I would bring Keira and Kegan into the room and we would all cuddle together and never leave.

Keira and Kegan... I could see them again in the morning and because it was Saturday they didn't have to go to school and I could stay with them the whole day. I wanted to see their little smiling faces as they told me what they did at school and what kind of games they'd played with Lizzy and Ally during their sleep-over.

Sighing I rolled onto my other side and put the pillow under my stomach again, hitting it until it fitted right. If Kendall was here I wouldn't need the pillow, I wouldn't need to be here... If Kendall was here I wouldn't have let the strange noise bother me, I wouldn't even have woken up from it.

With Kendall here I would have been safe, and warm, and happy... I would be able to watch his face as he slept, snoring lightly. Unlike other people, I didn't mind the snoring. It told me he was alive and having a good night of sleep. And it was soothing, the deep rumble in his chest. It made me feel better.

As if on cue, I heard James snoring in the other room and smiled a bit. Kendall, James and Carlos all snored. It was funny to listen to in the tour bus at night, but when I told them about it in the morning they all denied they snored. I would've recorded it, but I knew it would offend them all and I kept it to myself, my personal snoring symphony.

A thought came into my head and I suddenly felt a little bit hope I would be able to sleep tonight. Would James be mad if I crawled in bed next to him? It was his and Carlos' bed, so maybe he wouldn't want it... But I wouldn't even touch him, I simply wanted to be close to another person. After spending so much time alone, I craved a little bit of human contact.

I got up and quietly walked out of the room into James'. He was lying on his side, his back turned to me. Would he send me away? Would he hate me? I only wanted to lie next to him and pretend he was Kendall, so I could have one good night of sleep. Just one without waking up from every strange noise or feeling cold. That wasn't so bad, was it? And I'd cuddled with Carlos too, so for James it wouldn't feel like he was cheating on Carlos.

But with James things were different.

I sat on the edge of the strange bed, a bed that didn't smell like my bed at all. Carefully I laid down and scooted closer to my friend, until my back was almost touched his chest. I froze when I felt his arms coming around my chest and abdomen, pulling me closer. "It's okay," James whispered in my ear and pressed against my back.

James was so big. Kendall was tall and had a great amount of muscle from all the gardening, but James was almost like a body builder. He felt rock hard behind me and if I hadn't known better I would've been scared of him. At least I wouldn't be cold with those two huge arms around me.

I tried to shrink into him the best I could. How was it possible I was suddenly so much smaller then my friend, while I was sure there hadn't been so much difference between us a few years ago. Of course I knew the answer, but I would never admit it. Because of my pregnancies, I had a bigger amount of female hormones in me than any other man. It didn't suddenly make me grow breasts, but I did lose muscle and beard grow. According to Dr. Young it was normal, that it had happened to all the other men like me too.

I froze when I heard the strange noise again and tried to find the source of it. "Just water pipes," James murmured and started rubbing up and down my stomach. I was surprised how much it felt like when Kendall did it.

"Okay," I whispered and closed my eyes, if I only focused on the hand on my stomach, I could pretend Kendall was lying behind me. That he was holding me and humming softly and making me feel safe.

This was better than lying alone in that cold bed. It didn't take long for James to fall back asleep, making me feel sleepy too. I was exhausted, I hadn't slept well since Kendall was in the hospital. It would help if I had my children around me, then maybe I would do things. I didn't cook anymore, I didn't do the laundry, I didn't clean. It was no use if no one truly lived in the house. The only thing I did was sitting on the couch and sleeping in my bed.

My cuts hurt, the skin under the cast itched and my heart ached for Kendall. I gripped James' arm, holding onto him tightly. James unconsciously pulled me closer, like Kendall always did too. Tears got back in my eyes and I closed them, hoping to stop them from spilling. Kendall...

* * *

><p>I woke up in the morning feeling something hard and warm under my ear. My neck hurt and I realized what it was; James was so much bigger than Kendall that my neck was lying in a really painful angle on his shoulder. I slowly opened my eyes and was met with James', who smiled at me. "Morning."<p>

I closed my eyes and rolled away from him. I shouldn't have done this. At least Carlos left before I woke up and it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong. Now with James it was completely different, because something had definitely happened between us in the past. With Carlos we had never been more than friends and we would never be more than that.

"I'm going to make pancakes, why don't you take a shower and then I'll help you change those bandages." His voice sounded colder and distant and I knew he didn't appreciate what I just did.

James left and I went into the bathroom down the hall to take a shower. I turned the water as warm as I could take it and then some, then let it run over my cuts. It was all I could do to keep from screaming and I only got out of the shower when James knocked on the door. I did the bandages around my legs myself, there was no way I would let James see me naked and I didn't even know for sure if he knew about the cuts on my legs. I put on boxers and sweat pants and covered my bump with a towel. I wasn't even comfortable with Kendall seeing my bump, never would I show it anyone else.

I let James in and gave him instructions as he carefully changed my bandages. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, you know," He told me, his eyes on my damaged arm.

"I know, I just... I'm sorry, James, but it's j-just really hard and then w-when I wake up after a good n-night of sleep I-I expect Kendall to lie next to m-me not y-you," I whispered, looking anywhere but at James.

James finished bandaging me and pulled me up into a hug. "He'll wake up soon, buddy. Kendall can never stay away from you too long."

I nodded, hoping James was right and I could have my husband back. Before the c-section in four weeks. No, before his birthday in three weeks. "Thank you," I said quietly. "I really miss him."

"We all do, Logan. It isn't fair this had to happen to him of all people..." James hesitated for a moment, then pulled me closer and rested his chin on top of my head. "I'm so sorry for letting it happen."

I bit my lip when I remembered that, but I couldn't bring myself to feel angry again. I simply had no more place for any other emotion. I was too tired, I missed Kendall too much, I longed for my children like I needed air. I didn't care what happened to bring us into this situation, I just wanted it fixed. And that was not going to happen by being mad at James.

"It's not your fault. It has always been Daniel's."

"But I left Kendall there, even after I saw what that guy did. I thought it wouldn't do him any harm, I had no idea this would happen," He whispered and I could hear how guilty he still felt.

"You couldn't have known. I'm really not mad at you for it, I don't have the strength."

James chuckled humorlessly and I pulled to look at his face, shock taking over my senses when I saw the tears in his eyes. I'd never seen James cry before.

I reached out and gently brushed the tear on his cheek away, surprised how soft his skin felt. Usually James liked his stubble and didn't shave a lot, but he'd obviously done so and I had to admit I liked it better. James' hands came to rest on my hips as he stared at me with an emotion I didn't recognize.

I pulled my hand back, but it was like an invisible magnet was inside it, pulling James' head with it. He stopped right in front of my face and I remembered that moment in the hospital, when I looked in his eyes and felt us click right into place. It was like that was happening all over again, leaving me breathless.

This was so incredibly wrong, I didn't have feelings for James, I had never had any feelings for him, ever. I was so in love with Kendall and I wanted nothing more than to have him back, back with me and our children; together forever. But here I was, James so close I could feel his breath on my lips and the temptation was almost too big. Not the idea of kissing with James, but the idea of kissing to forget...

A phone rang and I jumped away at the same time James did, I saw the same shock in his eyes I felt myself. We'd almost done something that could've screwed up our lives forever. We were each happy with our husbands, we didn't need this. It would do no good, would cause nothing but broken hearts to people who were each other's best friends and lovers. It would break a group of four apart into four individuals.

"Carlos," James whispered, staring at this phone. Then he looked at me. "This never happened. Nothing happened. We keep this quiet, I'm really happy with Carlos, I love him to death and you have Kendall... once he wakes up. Yes, yes, he will.." I think he was talking more to himself then to me, but I didn't care.

"I- I've to go see Kendall," I said quietly. "I'll see you in 2J."

James left first, answering his phone and walking off to his bedroom as I almost ran out of the house and to my car. I needed to see Kendall, tell him he was all I wanted, all I needed. That I loved him more than anything else in the world and would never betray him, never. I would stay faithful to him until the day I died.

The ride to hospital seemed endless, the desire to see my love growing every inch I drove. I wanted to see him, touch him, smell him, kiss him, hold his hand and whisper to him how much I wanted him to wake up. I would tell him how much I loved him, about all the times I realized he was all I ever wanted and more.

The moment I walked into his room I felt better, especially when I sat on the edge of his bed and kissed his forehead and cheeks. "I'm back," I murmured to him and pressed my face in the crook of his neck. "I'll never leave you, Kendall. I'll never betray you with anyone, even if you stay in a coma for ten years. No one will ever be good enough to replace you, you're perfect."

I grabbed his hand in both of mine and intertwined our fingers. "I need you to be with me," I whispered, desperately wishing he could hear me and would respond to me, give me just a little sign. "I need you, Kendall. I'll do anything, just please come back to me."

I kissed his neck lightly and moved onto his jaw and chin and cheeks, his forehead and ears and nose and finally his lips, a soft kiss in each corner and one like I used to give him all the time. Kendall loved kisses. "I love you," I told him. "I want you. I need you. I desire you. I adore you. I care for you. I live for you... "

"Please, Kendall," I whispered when I felt more tears come to my eyes. "Please, don't leave me."


	28. Chapter 28

I was glad when Carlos came home. I'd missed him here and I needed to tell him how much I loved him so I wouldn't feel so guilty about almost kissing Logan. He looked tired, but very happy and he smiled widely when he saw me. "Hey."

"Hey you," I said, pulling him into a hug. It was great to have him here again and it made me realize I loved Carlos way more than I'd ever loved Logan. Carlos was mine, not the friend that felt so miserable at the moment and could use a hug or two. I kissed my husband and grabbed his bag, dumping it on the stairs before pulling him to the kitchen. "How was Texas?"

"It was great! I got to jump of 30 feet high rock onto an air mattress and it was so awesome!"

"That's great, baby," I said. Carlos loved his job and I would never ever say how scared I was he did all these dangerous things. I feared he would really fall one day and break his neck.

"What did you do? And how is Ally now?"

"I wouldn't know how she is, she's having a sleep-over with Keira and Kegan, remember? She seemed excited about it yesterday though, so I guess we're making progress."

He nodded thoughtfully. I knew what he was thinking and I didn't like it. Even after five weeks with us, she didn't feel comfortable yet. I guess it would always feel weird to her to be her, with us, instead of with her parents, but we'd hoped to at least make her feel at home here. We got her her own bed and new clothes, since she didn't have those things yet. We tried to figure out what her favorite food was, her favorite toys, favorite games, clothes and stories, but after that one spontaneous moment she had the night her mother brought her here she closed up and became a shy and silent girl, unless she was around her sister.

"She'll come around," I said confidently. "Right now she's not our biggest worry."

"What do you mean?" Carlos asked worriedly.

"I spend yesterday with Logan in the hospital."

"What? He's okay, right? Is something wrong with the baby?"

"Yes, he's, well, not okay, but not sick or anything and the baby is fine too. Yesterday I went over there after you left to take him to do something since he's just been sitting in that house and that can't be good for a person. But when I got there and I called for him, he didn't answer. So I went upstairs because his car was parked outside and I knew he had to be there, he was in the bathroom, changing-"

"Changing? Jeez, James! Why didn't you knock!"

"He wasn't changing like that! He was changing the bandages on his arm where he cut himself!"

"He cut himself?" Carlos asked whispering.

"Yes. In his arm. And not just once. He's been doing it for a week his doctor said. Are we really that ignorant?"

"Kendall's going to kill us when he wakes up," Carlos groaned. "How is Logan now?"

"The same, I think. The same as before he started cutting. I went to the hospital with him, first that doctor of his talked to him a bit, but then they moved on to the ultrasound, I guess to cheer Logan up a bit. But before the guy took me to him he told me to give Logan these." I grabbed the little, white medicine box and threw it at Carlos, who caught it easily.

"Anti-depressants? We really have to give him these?"

"The doctor told me to put them in his dinner or something, because Logan would probably never take them willingly. Not now, with Kendall and everything."

Carlos nodded thoughtfully and put the box in one of the cabinets. "So he's staying here?"

"Yes, he stayed here last night as well, he's now with Kendall and later he's going to 2J, we'll see him there and take him here. Oh, before I forget, I promised him we wouldn't tell mama Knight."

But Carlos didn't seem to have heard anything after my first sentence. He shot me a look and then turned away from me, leaning against the counter. "You know I don't like that," He mumbled.

Sighing I went up to him and wrapped my arms around his middle. "I know, baby," I said softly. I felt incredibly guilty about almost kissing Logan and I was going to make sure it never happened. But since I didn't really kiss him I was not going to tell Carlos about it. Not ever. "And it's completely understandable, but I love you and I don't want to lose you and I'll never ever do anything that might make me lose you."

Carlos looked up at me, smiling a tiny little bit. I leaned in and kissed him happily, because kissing Carlos would always be better than kissing anyone else. I didn't understand what was going on with Logan and me but now I could think clearly again I realized I didn't really want to know. I was too happy with Carlos and our girls and once Kendall woke up we could go back to our normal lives.

"I'm going to take a shower," He announced and pulled away from me after a last kiss. "Join me?"

I smirked at him. "Sure."

He grinned and grabbed my hand, pulling me with him to our room. Carlos pushed me down on the bed and straddled me, immediately kissing me again. "Te echaba de menos," He whispered in my ear and my happiness grew. Carlos only talked Spanish when he was in a really good mood.

"Missed you too, baby." I took his face in my hands and pulled him closer for another kiss, quickly losing myself in it. Why would I ever risk this? There was no one better for me than Carlos. I flipped us over and started kissing his neck, which he usually really liked, but today... not so much. I didn't notice he stopped participating until a few minutes later and I pulled away to look at him. "Sup?"

"Did Logan sleep here last night?" He asked me, his eyes suddenly hard and emotionless.

I stared at him and that was obviously enough answer for him. I didn't understand what I did wrong though; Carlos had done the same thing the first night Kendall was in a coma. He'd slept with Logan in one bed, then why couldn't I? It was only. to comfort a really, really upset and lonely friend of ours.

He pushed me off of him and stared gathering the things he needed for his shower, staying awfully quiet. "Carlos? I'm sorry, okay? He came here in the middle of the night; I didn't even invite him here. I could hardly send him away when he was standing here just looking for a little comfort."

He made a small noise, but didn't look up.

"I just don't get it, I thought you were over this. It's been years, you know. I love you, not him, I've never loved him as more as a friend, you know that. Besides, you did the exact same thing just a month ago."

"I know, okay! You feel nothing for him and you never did, but that doesn't mean you couldn't lose your self-control and do something more to cheer him up! I know you, James! And that nothing happened the last 24 hours doesn't mean nothing will happen in the time you spend alone with him!"

"Then what do you want me to do? You'll be working for the rest of the week, but I don't have a project right now and someone has to bring the girls to school. If Logan stays here I can hardly tell him to get lost while your not here."

He walked away from me, into the bathroom. I sighed and followed him, because I hated fighting and wanted this solved as quickly as possible. "I know you're right," Carlos mumbled when he heard me behind him. "But this is hard for me, alright? It might have been a long time ago that you've shown any interest in Logan, but I'll never forget that. I don't really have any ex-girlfriends or boyfriends you can be jealous of, but that's just what it is and I'm not comfortable with you being here alone with him for hours."

I smiled sadly. I wasn't angry anymore and I understood now. I wouldn't be happy either if someone Carlos used to be attracted to stayed here while I was somewhere else. "I understand, Carlitos, but you have to trust me on this. Besides, Logan will be off to see Kendall and his children all day."

"I do trust you," He said quietly. "But I would've felt better if he just stayed in the guests room last night."

"I know, baby. And from today on he'll stay in that room. There's only one person I want to share my bed with."

"Me?"

"No, Santa Claus. I love old guys with beards."

Carlos laughed and came up to me, hugging me tight. "Love you."

"I love you too, baby. Shall we go take that shower now?"

* * *

><p>Carlos and I walked hand in hand to apartment 2J. After we had really hot shower sex he hadn't said a word about Logan staying at our house and I was glad. I'd missed him while he was in Texas and I was glad to spend a few great hours with him before we went here. "Remember, don't tell mama Knight or Katie about Logan's cuts."<p>

He frowned, "Why not?"

"Logan already has to miss his children at home, he doesn't want to be kept away from them all together. And I don't think that would be good for any of them. You know I have my doubts about this situation."

Carlos nodded slowly. "I won't tell anyone. I think you're right though, about all this. It can't possibly be good to keep Keira and Kegan away from Logan. I wouldn't want Lizzy and Ally to be with anyone but me if you were in a coma."

"I wouldn't want our girls to be with anyone but you either," I admitted truthfully.

Carlos smiled at me, then turned serious again. "Maybe we should talk to mama Knight about this. Logan is not a bad parent, every time if seen him here he was fussing over his children."

"I know, but I think we should talk to Katie first. She has a baby now, understands what we're talking about. It's different for Jennifer, because Kendall is her son and all..."

"True. We'll do that, see if we can do anything."

I leaned in and kissed him before opening the door. Logan was sitting on the couch, reading a story to the four children sitting around him. They all looked up when we came in. Keira and Kegan waved, but obviously didn't feel much for leaving their father's side. Lizzy and Ally got up though, Lizzy a lot more enthusiastic than her sister. "Daddy!"

"Hey, baby," I said as I caught Lizzy and picked her up, Carlos kneeled in front of Ally and hugged her closely. Ally wasn't comfortable with being carried and touched too much, which was why I was surprised she wrapped her arms around Carlos' neck to hug him back.

"Daddy we ate fries yesterday!"

"Oh, lucky you! I had old taco's, can't we trade?"

"No!"

I pouted, but she stuck her tongue out at me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Can we stay here a little longer, daddy? I don't want to go home yet."

"That's okay, Lizzle, we're having dinner here with auntie Katie and Dak and Kevin."

She nodded happily and I put her back down so she could go see Carlos or go back to Logan and his story. I was even more surprised when I felt someone tug on my leg and saw Ally standing there, looking up at me uncertainly. "Hi, sweetie," I said softly and kneeled in front of her like Carlos did. "Did you have fun?"

Ally nodded quietly and wrapped her arms around my neck. "It was a little scary," She whispered in my ear.

"Would you rather stay with us then next time?"

She nodded quickly and I saw tears in her pretty blue eyes, exactly the same Lizzy had.

"That's alright, Ally. You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to."

She nodded again, but didn't let go of me yet and I carefully picked her up, unsure how she would react. "You wanna listen to the story again? What was it about?"

"About an ugly duck," She whispered, as I slowly walked back to the couch. Mama Knight was in the kitchen stirring in a saucepan and I smiled at her when I passed her, not wanting to interrupt Logan.

I sat with Ally on the couch, not much later joined by Lizzy and Carlos, the three of them listening closely to every word of the story. I watched them and felt incredibly lucky I finally had all of them. We were complete. I had the girls I always dreamed of and now it was time to start dreaming of other things.

On these kinds of moments I tried not to think of Logan too much, because it would completely ruin my happiness. I might be an ass for being happy now, with my best friend in a coma and the practically crying himself to death, but I couldn't help it. I had my two beautiful daughters, Lizzy was reunited with the sister we didn't knew existed until a few months ago and Carlos wasn't mad at me for one. A person could only suppress so much happiness.

I ran my fingers through Ally's soft red hair and hoped she would feel at home with us soon. It hurt me to see her this sad and I wished I knew a way to contact her mother, ask her what she did when her daughter was upset to make her feel more comfortable. We were moving slow, but we made progress and that was what's important.

* * *

><p>A week later, Carlos, the girls, Logan and Keira and Kegan were sitting at our kitchen table eating dinner. We had talked to mama Knight and Katie and eventually we decided together that we couldn't go on like this anymore, but that we couldn't trust Logan with the care for his children yet. It was then Carlos came with the plan to let Logan life with us; with his children.<p>

Logan was, well, not exactly happy when we told him -he hadn't smiled since Kendall was in a coma- but his children seemed to distract him from that. He did things again, went with me to bring and get them from school, took them shopping and played games with them. He still went to see Kendall every day when they were in school and he was near tears when he came back, but he was holding on better now. Which was good.

It was better for the two Knight children too. One of their father's was at the edge of life; they already had a hard time. They needed Logan now more than ever and stayed as close to him as they could when he was around, probably afraid he would be pulled away from them again. Both of them were visually doing better.

Today had been hard for them though, because they'd seen Kendall for the first time since he was in a coma. Especially Kegan didn't understand what was going on, thinking his father would wake up when he started talking to him. It was heart breaking to see his face when he figured Kendall really couldn't wake up, after almost half an hour of trying.

Keira didn't even dare to go up to her father, clinging to Logan's hand with both of hers. She knew this was way more serious than anyone had told her.

Right now Kegan was sitting in Logan's lap, which I thought was impossible with Logan's big baby bump, but they managed. Logan tried feeding him some fries but Kegan didn't want to eat, just wanted to sit there and hold on tight to the only parent he had left.

It was quiet at the table, Lizzy was for once not chattering about what she had done today, instead looking quietly between Kegan, Keira and her sister. Ally didn't seem to mind the silence, she was probably used to it. Keira ignored it too, though she obviously noticed more. Then again, Keira had never been a loud girl so she probably didn't care that much.

I was glad when dinner was over. I wasn't used to this kind of quietness. Growing up with fighting parents, then four teenage boys in one house it had never been quiet. Never. Carlos had grown up with three older sisters and with us in LA, he couldn't possibly know how to deal with this either.

After dinner Logan took his children upstairs to get them ready for bed. The three of them slept together in our spare room, in the one bed. We offered them an inflatable mattress, but neither Keira nor Kegan wanted to sleep on it and Logan couldn't because of his pregnancy. But maybe this was better, they didn't mind at all.

I'd gone upstairs to change into some more comfortable clothing and I didn't mean to overhear what they were saying, but I did. The door to their room was left open a bit. Kegan was crying again and Logan was comforting him. "It's okay, baby. Sshh."

"W-w-why d-d-didn't p-papa say s-s-something?" The little boy sobbed.

"Because he can't, Kegie. Papa is- he's sleeping really deep, he can't hear you." I wished I could help Logan with this, the pain in his voice was so clear. He'd spent hours talking to Kendall and he wanted the exact same thing Kegan wanted.

"I-Is he g-g-going to d-die?"

Logan hesitated too long. "N-no, baby. No."

I forced myself to leave. This wasn't something I was allowed to hear. This was something between Logan and his children. I didn't want to know.

Carlos and I just left Lizzy's and Ally's room after telling them goodbye when Logan got out of his room and closed the door behind him carefully, before sliding down against it and hiding his face in his hands. His silent display of misery was even more painful than the time I watched him cry in the hospital.

Carlos acted first, sitting down next to him on the ground and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Hey. It'll be okay. Kegan won't be sad for long, he's distracted too easily for that."

"I c-can't l-lie to t-t-them.. I can't k-keep t-telling them h-h-he'll be b-back soon."

"But he will be back soon, buddy. You know Kendall, he is can't leave you. He is unable to do so. No way that he stays in that coma for much longer."

Logan didn't answer, didn't make any sound at all. He just hid his head in his arms and shook lightly.

I sat down on Logan's other side and wrapped my arm around him too. "Kendall is the strongest person I ever met, Logan. He'll not give up."

We were proven wrong the very next morning.

Logan and Carlos just came back from bringing the children to school and Logan was about to leave when his cell phone rang. He usually glanced at the screen and then turned his phone off, not wanting to talk to anyone. But this time he almost dropped the phone before eagerly answering. I guessed this came from the hospital and I was right, though I later wished I wasn't.

My pregnant friend listened closely to what was said. And then let the phone slip from his hands.

He stared ahead of him, his eyes emotionless and cold. I was afraid to find out what caused him to be like that. Kendall didn't… did he?

Before I even knew how to react Carlos had already taken the phone of the floor and was talking to the person on the other end. It made me realize I was staring with open mouth and probably looking really stupid and useless and I quickly went up to Logan, wrapping an arm around him and gently guiding him to the couch in the living room.

"Logan, what's going on?" I asked carefully, not sure if I wanted to know.

But he didn't even look at me. Logan stared ahead of him and nothing I said could pull him out of his shock. I looked helplessly at Carlos when he came in, but the look on his face told me this really was serious. Carlos had always been easy to read and right now he was near tears.

I went up to him and pulled him close, there was nothing I could do for Logan anyway, I might as well focus on the person that would appreciate the comfort. "What happened?" I whispered.

"Kendall- he… he went into vegetative state."

The ride to the hospital was silent; no one felt like talking, no one knew what to say. In the backseat Logan got over his shock and was now crying quietly. I'd never heard of vegetative state before Kendall went into a coma and I had no idea what to think of it until the doctor explained it to me. Apparently, when a person had been in a coma for a while, he or she went into vegetative state, a state where the person woke up and went to sleep at regular times, could follow moving objects with his eyes, chew, grind teeth, sigh and sometimes scream.

But Kendall wouldn't be there. It would al be a reaction from his body to keep it working for the small chance Kendall's consciousness would come back.

The chance that Kendall would ever wake up was suddenly less than 1%.

He was practically dead.

The three of us walked to Kendall's room in the silence that was quickly becoming familiar. It was like we already lost Kendall. Logan was walking in front of us, he pace sometimes quick, then slow. As if he couldn't make up his mind if he wanted to see Kendall like this or not. Carlos was holding my hand so tightly I was afraid of losing my fingers, but I didn't dare to pull away. He was scared. I was scared. I couldn't even imagine what Logan must be feeling now.

I didn't know why Carlos and I didn't wait in the waiting room until Logan came back from Kendall's room, I only knew it had been a big mistake to follow him into the room. This was not how I wanted to see my friends, not when Logan was this heart-broken, not when Kendall was this lifeless -but on the other hand not lifeless at all.

The blonde was half sitting up against two pillows that were pushed behind him and his eyes were open, though no life was in them. He was simply staring at the wall across from his bed and didn't react when we came in. It was horrible, to not see him smile. Kendall always smiled when Logan walked into a room, that was just how it was.

Logan was frozen on his spot. We couldn't see his face, but I figured he must be feeling as horrible as I did, but then thousands times worse. After a few minutes he took a step closer, but then hesitated again. I wondered what I would do if it was Carlos sitting there, awake, but not recognizing me, open eyed, but not looking at me. I had no idea what I would do. I would be very confused. And terrified.

Logan took another step closer and as if on cue Kendall's eyes shut his way and fixed on Logan, the look in his eyes still as dead as before. The brunette stumbled back, almost falling backwards when he hit a chair. He looked back at us, his eyes filled with a helplessness we couldn't react to, didn't know how to. Carlos squeezed my hand even harder and I squeezed back, needing to know he was okay.

Kendall was looking back at the wall, once again lifeless and emotionless. Logan's eyes fell on our joined hands and he quickly walked up to Kendall, taking his husband's hand and ignoring us. Carlos tugged on my hands, pulling me away, out of the room. I let him; I didn't want to stay in that room. This was way worse than Kendall lying in a coma.

Carlos wrapped his arms around me once were out of Logan's sighed and I did the same, resting my chin on top of his head. "He'll make it, right?" He whispered. "James?"

"I- Sure, h-he'll be fine." As if anyone would believe my stuttered reassuring.

* * *

><p>And we fell back in the old pattern. Once mama Knight and Katie heard what happened, they immediately came to see Logan and us at our house and new decisions were made. Logan was sitting lifelessly on the couch and the similarity to Kendall was terrifying, when he came out of the hospital room his eyes were dead, as if all life had left him.<p>

Logan had given up.

Everyone saw it. Which was why we didn't protest when mama Knight took Keira and Kegan back to 2J. Logan stayed with us, we were scared he would try something way more serious than cutting himself when we left him alone now. We would not let that happen, definitely not while he was still carrying his baby.

He stopped caring. Before the vegetative state, he still got out of bed every morning and ate what we gave him, then sat on the couch to stare, went to see Kendall or his children. Logan stopped doing all of that. He didn't go to his children. He didn't go see Kendall in the hospital. He didn't even get out of bed in the morning unless Carlos or me made him. He didn't do anything unless we made him do it, except for using the bathroom. Thank god he still did that himself.

This all brought up many memories, painful memories of when we weren't trying to help Logan through this, but Kendall. Logan was behaving exactly the same way Kendall did when Logan was kidnapped by Jett. It was downright terrifying.

I stayed home. I had no more projects to work on, but Carlos still had to work and with the help of a friendly parent lived close by and had children at the same school as Lizzy and Ally we managed to never leave Logan alone. I wondered how long we could go on like this, how long it would take until Logan would start refusing the food I made him eat, how long it would take until he wouldn't leave the bed upstairs.

I knew I couldn't go on like this forever.

The first reaction I got out of Logan was two weeks after Kendall went into vegetative state. I was watching him eat the sandwich I made him when my phone rang, I answered to someone I really didn't expect. "C-Can I t-t-talk to daddy?" Keira whispered into the phone.

I was so startled I couldn't answer for a few seconds. "I'll ask him, sweetheart. Are you alright?"

"I w-wanna talk t-t-to daddy," She whispered again.

I nodded, not realizing she couldn't see that through the phone and then put my hand over the speaker. "Logan, this is Keira on the phone," I said hesitantly. "She wants to talk to you."

He stared at me, his eyes for once not completely emotionless. For a moment I thought he was going to shake his head, but then he reached out for the phone. I handed it over and watched him walked away, wishing I could follow him to hear what he would say to her. I couldn't though. This was too personal.

When he came back twenty minutes later, his face held more emotion than I had seen in a long time. Logan was crying, crying in pain, but most of all in guilt and regret. "I want to see them," He whispered, his voice hoarse of crying and not talking in so long.

I didn't know if this was a good change or not. "Okay. Let's go."

Keira and Kegan were waiting by the door of 2J, holding each other's hands and clinging tight to Logan as soon as they could. It was incredibly hard to watch them all their teary faces. "Come," Logan said to them, taking their hands. He took them to the bedroom they now slept in and disappeared.

I turned to mama Knight and opened my mouth to say something, only to close it again when I didn't know what to say. She shook her head and went back to the meal she was cooking. I sat on the couch and turned on the TV, but I only pretended to watch.

When Logan or the children didn't come back from their room two hours later, I was getting worried. I went to them, quietly opening the door and looking inside.

Logan was lying on the bed, Keira and Kegan on either side of him, both of them sleep with the tracks of tears still on their cheeks. I met Logan's eyes and smiled sadly at the tears in them, then closed the door again. If I left Logan here for a while, maybe he would sleep a bit too and feel a bit better after that.

* * *

><p>For the past week, I'd been dreading this day. Kendall's birthday. Since Keira's phone call things had been a little better. Logan went to see his children every day for as long as he could, but also went back to being the body without a soul when he wasn't with them. I didn't know what to do anymore. I couldn't hold this up for much longer.<p>

I went with Logan to see Kendall in the hospital. I took him here every other day, because I still wasn't sure if he wanted to see Kendall or not. Maybe he would regret it later when he didn't go. I wished he would talk to me. Today seemed important though. Kendall's twenty eighth birthday.

When we arrived at the hospital I took Logan with me to the gift shop, amongst the numerous 'get better soon!' cards were a few birthday cards and I picked one with sunflowers on it, maybe the reference to gardening would help Kendall wake up. I didn't really believe that, but it was what I told Logan. I showed him a card with a big red heart on it, but he could only stare at it. I put it back when I realized he wasn't going to take it.

After I picked out a wooden toy car, as a joke, because 'Kendall likes laughing, right Logan?' we went up to his room. Logan took his usual seat next to Kendall's bed, but he didn't grab his hand anymore. He'd stopped touching Kendall since the first day of vegetative state. I talked to Kendall like I talked to Logan, though I was getting tired of talking but not getting any response from any of them. I tried though, because I couldn't stand the silence.

I still flinched every time I saw Kendall smacked his lips, or his Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed, or his eyelids randomly closing in the middle of a conversation I was having with him. This state of unawareness was way more confusing then when he'd been completely unconscious.

A little while later Logan got up. I was about to ask him where he was going, but then I saw him walking to the bathroom. He didn't make it there though and I awkwardly watch a wet spot appearing in the front of his pant. But it took me a few second to realize this liquid was way more than a bladder could've hold and that this probably wasn't urine.

My suspicion was confirmed when Logan folded his arms around his stomach and stared at me with wide eyes. Baby Kendall was coming.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys! It's me again! So before anyone is going to ask; I researched vegetative state thoroughly and everything I wrote was based on facts, but you have to remember this is fiction and authors change stuff to make it more interesting. So if you do find something that doesn't match the facts, I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed it!<strong>


	29. Chapter 29

Slowly I opened my eyes and stared at the wall right in front of me. It was like everything was on its side. The chairs, the table, the flowers; I wondered how the flowers didn't fell out of the vase for a moment, but then I realized what was going on. I was lying on my side. Internally chuckling at my stupid mistake I took in the room. It was a different one than he one I was in the morning. It had light yellow walls and white curtains, pictures of all kinds of flowers on the wall and the usual white hospital furniture all over the room.

Then I began wondering why I was lying on my side. The doctor didn't tell me about this before I went into surgery, that I would have to lie on my side. Strange. I tried rolling over, but found I couldn't move at all. It was like I couldn't even feel my body being there, though I was pretty sure it was. I wouldn't be thinking right now if I didn't have a body.

I smirked when I realized what that meant. I was thinking, I could see. I couldn't move yet, but I was pretty sure that would be over as soon as the medicines were out of my body. My heart was beating, blood was streaming through my veins, I was breathing. I was alive. I told Logan he didn't have to worry about anything. I told him so!

I felt another feeling rising into my chest. Love, longing. Where was Logan? I was all right! He would be so happy to see that. Oh, I couldn't wait until I could wrap my arms around him and hold him against me for a long time. I wanted to tell him I was okay and I would never ever leave him!

Eager to see my baby, I tried to turn onto my back again. I wanted to see if I could find some sort of telephone, all patients had one of those, right? To call the nurses when they needed something? Well, right now I needed my Logie. And I was sure he needed me just as much, or even more.

I melted when I remembered how scared he was this morning. My sweetie in tears, his big brown eyes begging me to please stay with him. I was so glad I could finally look at him and tell him it was over, that I was alright and free from cancer. Logan would be so happy and we would have our little baby together, baby Kendall...

I wanted to meet her so bad, see if she was anything like I imagined her to be. A little girl with curls, much like Keira's but raven instead of blonde, with beautiful brown eyes like the all of them had. I wanted to look at all my children and see the man who gave me them. Shit, I wanted to see Logan. The desire to see him growing ten times bigger then it already was. I wanted to see the relieve in his eyes and a smile on his lips, I wanted to see him happy.

Oh, there was nothing like seeing Logan happy, nothing. His eyes would shine so bright and twinkle in the light. His skin would glow and flush so prettily when he blushed. And his smile...I wanted to see him smile every minute of every day, he would just light up when he smiled. I would do anything to see my baby smile all the time, happy and carefree, as he was supposed to be.

I was getting impatient. They knew I was just out of surgery, right? That I would wake up any minute? Then why was no one coming to see me? No nurse to check up on me, to see if I was awake yet so she could let my Logie into the room? I was sure he was waiting for me. Logan wouldn't do anything else, he told me so himself before we left the house.

He'd been so sad... So scared... I wished there was a way I wouldn't have had to leave him all alone, an easier way to cure my cancer so I could stay with my love and hold him close until it was all over. God, once this was all over I would make sure we would go on another trip like San Diego, just the two of us together, but then without getting sick and all. I would focus on Logan then; give him everything he wanted to make him feel good again. He would have my full attention.

I open my mouth, glad when I found out when I could do that, and tried to make a sound, but right at that moment a weird rumble from one of the machines was louder and I couldn't hear myself. Frowning, I tried it again and grimaced when I realized the weird rumble actually came from me. My throat was sore and dry, as if I hadn't had anything to drink in months. Were these all the results of the surgery? Then why had no one ever told me about that?

I tried swallowing some saliva, but I quickly found out I didn't have that either. I just had to wait until someone came by and helped me drink some water. Frustrated once again I stared angrily at the vase with face flowers on the table. I wanted to see Logan. Now. I had to make sure he was okay and tell him I was okay too, so we could be okay together and go home and never come back here again.

On that moment I heard a door open and I felt relieve wash over me. Finally someone who would bring me my baby. "Alright, Mr. Knight," I heard the voice of a female behind me. "Let's turn you over again, shall we? We wouldn't want you to get those nasty pressure pains Mrs. Owen had last week. That's what you get when you let the new girls treat you guys. Always goes wrong."

I had no idea what she was going on about until I felt her hands on my side and she rolled me over, my head automatically following. She walked to the other side of the bed and pushed against my back until I was lying on my other side. "That's better, isn't it? I wondered where your husband is, Mr. Knight. I saw him this morning for a few minutes, but usually he stays a lot longer."

What did she mean a lot longer? I just got here this morning! Maybe she was talking about spouses in general, that all husbands or wives were here usually when their husband woke up. Logan was probably just using the bathroom that must be it. I smiled fondly when I thought of what he called the most annoying pregnancy symptom, the lot of extra time he spent in the bathroom emptying his bladder.

"Oh, smiling again, are you? I hope you are actually feeling good. You know, of all my coma patients, I pity you the most. You had no idea what was going to happen, that such a little bubble of air can make such a difference... And with a baby on the way..." She was behind me so I couldn't see her, but I imagined she was shaking her head.

Then it hit me what she said. Coma patient? That couldn't be right! I had surgery just this morning, I think you had to be unconscious for a lot longer to be in a coma. And what air bubble? And what was with my baby? All my babies? Where was Logan?

I opened my mouth and made the sound again, hoping to catch her attention. "Oh, I'm sorry! I completely forgot, I'll get you some water, dear." She appeared in my sight again and I saw her going to the sink, filling a cup with water.

"Oh, I hope I didn't put you through too much discomfort! Some people say people in comas can't feel pain, or anything at all." She put her hand under my head and held it up, as I stared intently at her face. I was slowly coming to realize she actually thought I was in a coma and it freaked me out. What the hell happened during that surgery?

I should have listened to Logan. He told me something would go wrong this morning. No, probably not this morning. Probably a lot of mornings ago. How long had I been out? Where was Logan? Oh no, Logan. Of course he wasn't doing okay! I had to get to him! Why couldn't I talk? Why couldn't I move? I had to go find my Logie and tell him everything would be okay, that I should've listened to him and then hold him against me for the rest of our lives.

I focused on the friendly gray orbs of the nurse who was currently holding my head. 'Look at me,' I yelled at her in my head, 'Look at me!' But she was too busy gently letting cool water glide into my throat to look at my eyes and chattered on. S "I don't think so. You actually look calmer after your husband has been here and I could swear you were really anxious during the nights. But, oh well, who listens to me? I'm just a simple nurse-"

She abruptly stopped talking and stared back at me, slowly putting my head down on the pillow. "Mr. Knight, can you hear me?"

I opened my mouth and tried to make my rumble sound, but because of the water it had turned into more of a sigh. I glared at her the best way I could and then squeezed my eyes shut tightly. How could I possibly answer a question when I wasn't able to talk or nod or shake my head?

"Mr. Knight, can you blink twice if you understand what I'm saying?"

I quickly opened and closed my eyes two times; glad she gave me a way of communicating. She gasped when she saw it and clamped her hand over her mouth. "Oh my, it's a miracle! I'll be back in a minute Mr. Knight, I have to get doctor Green!" I tried glaring again, but she was too excited to notice. She had to get my Logie! Not some stupid doctor! I could wait; I had to make sure my sweetie was okay!

But she was already walking away, excitingly talking to herself. "Oh, this is so exciting! These kind of moments is why I love my job."

I stared at the ceiling and tried not to get too impatient, though it was pretty damn hard when I couldn't move or talk. I had to get to Logan! I had to find him and tell him I was okay! How long had I been out, a week, maybe two? A month? There was no way to figure it out. I only knew I had to get to my Logie. I had to make sure he was okay! That our baby was okay and Logan didn't do anything stupid.

How scared would he be now? Probably 300 times as much as that morning when I went into surgery. My baby would've been so lonely, he was terrified of being alone. Oh Logan... I felt tears spring to my own eyes and was glad to find out I could cry, maybe the sensitive nurse would figure out I cried for my husband, that I had to see my baby.

She kept her promise and came back quickly, a tall, blonde man following behind. "He's aware, doctor! He could answer my question! Do you want me to call his family?"

"One moment, Diana, I have to be sure." He came up to me and looked into my eyes, then shined in them with a little light. I was mad at him for that, my eyes were the only working part of me at the moment, why would he want to blind me with that fucking light? "Alright, Mr. Knight. Can you hear me? Blink twice for yes."

I blinked twice again as quickly as I could. This guy could bring me Logan. I would do anything he said if I could just have my baby here with me. I had to see him.

"Very good! One more, just to be sure. Mr. Knight, do you want us to call your family?"

I blinked twice and then twice another time. Yes, he had to call my family. He had to call my Logie. I had to have my Logie here.

"Eager, are you?" The man smiled at me. Of course I was eager! I had to see my sweetie! "Diana, you can make that call now," He told the nurse, she quickly left. In twenty minutes Logan would be here, I would be able see him again. "Mr. Knight, would you like to know more about how you came here? Blink twice for yes again."

I blinked twice, might as well listen to this guy. Hopefully he would make the time go faster. "Okay then, on the 26 of August you went into surgery to have your kidney removed, do you remember that?"

I blinked twice once again, though I was getting annoyed with all the questions. This guy just had to tell me what the deal was and then bring me my baby so I could see he was okay. I had to see Logan. Apparently the doctor noticed my irritation. "I'm sorry, Mr. Knight, but it's part of my job to ask you questions. I have to figure out if any part of your brain is damaged and since you can't talk- did you try to talk yet, Mr. Knight?"

I blinked once. Maybe after I drank the water my vocal cords would finally work with me. I opened my mouth and tried to say 'yes', but it came out more like some roaring sound and then, "-es."

"Very good! We'll work on that, Mr. Knight. Sometimes it takes weeks or even months for a coma patients to regain his speech, but I don't think it'll take that long with you. Just keep trying. Let's try another one, can you move your hands?"

I tried and failed miserably. My hands were lost; I had no idea where they were or where I should look for them in my head. "N-ne."

He nodded slowly. "Can you feel it when I squeeze your arm?"

Yeah, I definitely felt that. "J-je-s."

"That's good. It means you aren't paralyzed, though I don't know what exactly is wrong so I don't know yet how long it will be until you can move again. Maybe you'll never regain the ability to move; maybe you'll be walking in three weeks. Only time can tell us about that."

Never move again? But I had to! I had to cuddle with Logan, he loved being held by me! I couldn't do this to him, I had to move again. I had to. "I know it's a shock, but don't worry about that yet. Once we're sure nothing else is wrong in your body we'll get you physiotherapist who will help you with all of this. Now, back to August 26. Some events took place in your operation room while you were unconscious. One of our own doctor was holding you captive until he got what he want."

No way. Lizzy's father. It was Daniel I realized now. Of course it was him! Why didn't I think of that before, Bonnie even said the hospital was a dangerous place to got! "Apparently you already know a lot about this," The doctor said, not even sounding surprised. "Anyway, once that guy knew he lost, he grabbed a syringe and pumped air in your blood, giving you a disease that divers sometimes have. I'll not bore you with that story, but it's basically what happened to you too. Because of the high pressure under water their blood changes a bit, when they go back to the surface too quickly, air bubbles start to form in their blood. In your case it was just one tiny bubble that went straight to your brain. By the time we heard what happened, it was too late to help you. You went into a coma right away."

Huh. Of course that had to happen to me. When it goes wrong, usually it goes wrong for the worst. On that moment the nurse came back into the room, I heard her, but I couldn't see her. "Dr. Green, I can't reach the husband, but the friends are next on the list, before his mother. Who should I call?"

James and Carlos! They were closer to Logan; they would bring him to me. Oh Logan, why didn't he pick up his phone? Nothing happened to him right? He had to be okay, I would never forgive myself if he wasn't. I swore to protect him, to take care of him. I had to see him! "H-h-am-mes." Pathetic, Knight, just pathetic.

"What did you say, Mr. Knight?"

I tried again. "H-ha-mes."

"Doctor, I think he's trying to say 'James', one of the friends is called James."

"Then call him."

"Yes, of course."

The doctor turned back to me after she left. "So that's your story. You've been out for quite a while, a little over two months. Today is November 2nd."

Oh, the irony. I woke up on my birthday, after two months... Where was Logan? Why didn't he pick up his phone? I was sure Logan would always pick up his phone when it was the hospital calling him. Was he sleeping? What time was it? "Your family and friends came to see you every day. I met your husband, your friend, your sister and her baby. I'm pretty sure you have children too, though I haven't seen them here. Or maybe I just wasn't working on the days they were here." He grabbed something from where I assumed was my bedside table and held it in front of my face. "Are this your children?"

Keira and Kegan, sitting on either side of Logan on the bright orange couch in 2J. They were smiling, though I could see it was just for the camera. Suddenly it felt like I had been gone for two months. Yes, I had been gone for that long, but I couldn't remember it. Though I felt that way now. I missed them. I missed them so much. They all had to come here so I could see them and make sure they were okay. They all had to be okay. And happy. I wanted them to be happy.

"H-es," I whispered.

"They look a lot like you, Mr. Knight. And I assume you'll recognize this one too." He grabbed another picture and showed it to me. It was one of a person I had never seen before. A baby with Logan's nose and cheeks, but with my lips and dimples.

And I smiled. That was Kenzie.

"A smile! Well, this is amazing!" I glanced at the doctor, but his enthusiasm wasn't that infecting. I wanted to see Logan, I wanted to see my children and I wanted to know they would all be okay. Then I could be happy. I looked at the picture of baby Kendall again and realized she would be here in only nine days. I would never forget the day of the C-section. I would be meeting her soon.

Just then a big person with dark brown hair flew into the room and practically jumped on top of me. "Kendall! Dude, are you really awake?" James yelled at me when he pulled away. I wondered how he got here so fast; the nurse wasn't even back yet to tell us she called him. Had he been in the hospital when she called? What was he doing here?

"H-h-es," I said, hating I couldn't talk normally.

"Thank god," He whispered and wrapped his arms around me again, pulling me up like a lifeless life-sized doll. "You've been gone for so long! We missed you, man."

I smiled at him impatiently. "L-L-gan?"

"Logan! Right, Logan. We have to go to him now! He's in labor, Kendall, but he doesn't let anyone help him and he constantly says your name! Come, let's go now." At least this explained why James had been in the hospital.

He started pulling on my arm, frowning when I didn't immediately jump up and ran after him. Believe me, I wanted to. Logan needed me; I had to go to him! "Dude, what's wrong?" James asked after a moment.

Dr. Green, the man that was still standing besides my bed, decided to answer for me. "Mr. Knight doesn't have control over his muscles yet, he can't move."

"Then I'll just push his whole bed to that room, it's not that far from here," James shrugged and I cheered for him in my head. I loved how practical James was, especially right now.

"But you can't!" Dr. Green said shocked. "He only just got out of his coma, I still have to examine him, and do an MRI-scan, and-"

"His husband is in labor! They're having a baby! That's not going to wait, this can wait. Now help me get this fucking bed out of the room, you can do those stupid tests tomorrow."

For a moment the doctor looked like he was going to protest, but then he seemed to realize it was useless. "Mr. Knight, are you okay with this?"

"H-hes."

The doctor then helped James pull my bed away from the wall and to the door. Finally we were moving! I ached to see Logan. I had to see him and hold him and touch him and kiss him softly... Logan needed me. Was he in a lot of pain? Why did he go into labor now? He wasn't naturally due for another month! Nothing was wrong with our baby, right?

We went around the corner and had to wait for the lady that was bringing food around and had her cart parked in the middle of the hallway. James used the times to put the mattress behind my back up so I was sitting and could see more. I liked this better, though I wanted the food lady to burn in hell.

Once she was gone James and the doctor pushed me into another corridor and then another, until we finally went into one that had a dead end. We stopped in front of a door and I could see Logan through the window, lying on a bed, Dr. Young and Carlos on either side of him. He didn't look good at all, he looked sickeningly white and he had big bags under his eyes. Right now he was leaning forward, his arms clamped tight around his bump, which was now bigger than I'd ever seen it before. This was not how I wanted to see him.

Dr. Green opened the door and everyone except Logan looked up, too focused on the contraction to show any interest in anything else. Carlos grinned widely and went up to me, hugging me like James did, but all I wanted now was Logan to come here and hug me too. I met Dr. Young's eyes and he nodded at me, also smiling a little, before he bent to Logan and said something to him.

My baby looked up slowly, his eyes immediately finding mine. He looked exactly like he did after I just found him in Jett's apartment. His eyes were emotionless, just like back then and I wanted so bad to have him close to me right now. To hold him against me, to whisper to him quietly, to hold him away from the rest of the world and be with him in our own little world.

Slowly the look in his eyes changed to fear, then to confusion and finally disbelieve. I smiled at him, hoping he would come over now so I could hold him... But I couldn't move.

Apparently James was thinking the same thing, because he pushed my bed closer to Logan's and turned it so our heads were on the same side. As soon as our beds were next to each other Logan reached out for me, only to pull back quickly when he almost touched me. "Logie," I whispered, glad I could at least say that normally. "C-come."

"A-are y-y-you r-real?" He whimpered.

"Yes," I said softly.

Logan reached out for me again, closing his hand around my wrist tightly. He would never let go of it unless he had to, I was pretty sure of that. He then scooted closer to me, from his bed onto mine, and leaned into my side. I felt him shaking, but I couldn't see his face and I hated it I couldn't wrap my arms around him. Logan needed me now, I had to hug him, I had to hold him against me. He needed that.

"S okay," I muttered, taking in his smell as much as I could. I missed him; it was all I could do now. "Is all gonna be okay."

He looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears. "I missed you," He whispered, his voice small and weak, but his grip on my wrist never loosened. "Don't leave again, Kendall? Please, don't?"

"No, I promise," I swore him. Was it Logan? Or was my speech improving on its own? Either way, I could only be happy about it. I couldn't move, I couldn't touch Logan, me talking was the only thing I could give him right now.

Logan snuggled into me again, resting his head on my chest. Almost immediately I felt his tears dripping on shirt. I wanted to hold him now! I wanted to wipe those tears of his cheeks and nuzzle his temple, I wanted to kiss his forehead and bury my nose in his hair. This was so incredibly frustrating!

He pulled at my arm until it was around his waist, but as soon as he let go it slipped off him again. Logan looked up at me again, begging me with his eyes. "I can't move, sweetie," I explained whispering.

Logan nodded and swallowed past the lump in his throat. "Are you in pain?" He whispered, running his fingers over my cheek. It felt nice and I smiled and him, loving the way Logan's eyes widened a bit in shock and amazement.

"No, baby. Come lie against me again."

Logan did so, once again pulling my arm around him but this time holding it in place himself. I had to admit I liked this so much better than just lying there limply. Now I at least had the idea I was doing something for him.

Just then Logan tensed up and he whimpered again, though this time because he was in pain. I waited impatiently until the contraction faded away, hating Logan had to go through this unnecessary pain. I hummed to him and wished I could take it away from him, wished there was some way I could go through that for him instead.

"Logie, you need a doctor," I told him when he relaxed again. "Maybe it's not too late for a C-section..."

But Logan started violently shaking his head at my suggestion. "N-no!"

"Shh," I murmured at the sight of his eyes growing wider with fear. "Why not, baby?"

"I c-can't d-d-do that w-without you," He whispered, his voice trembling with tears. "I w-want to stay with y-you."

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want Logan away from me either and I was pretty sure I would not be allowed to be at the C-section in my current state. Then the only other option was for Logan give birth the natural way, but even the idea of that scared the shit out of me. I never forgot how painful it was for Logan when he gave birth to Keira and I never wanted him to go through anything like that. But right now we didn't have a choice.

"Okay," I agreed, then realized everyone left the room to give us a little time alone. Why did everyone always have to be gone when I needed them? Logan pressed against me when another contraction washed over him. How far along was he exactly? How long had he been in labor already? Surely not that long, right? What time was it anyway?

I gently hushed him when he whimpered again, mumbling some things I didn't even understand. "Logie, will you let the doctor help you now? We need a little help getting Kenzie here."

"Here, right?" He asked softly. "I don't wanna g-go away from y-y-you, I don't wa-want to."

"Right here, sweetie. You stay right here with me."

Logan nodded and closed his eyes again, cuddling into me tight. I didn't know if Logan's doctor had been listening or not, but he chose that moment to come back into the room, followed by my doctor and a bunch of nurses holding towels, a see-through bassinet and lots of other items I could place.

"Logan, I won't take Kendall away from you, but please come lie on the other bed? You can hardly deliver a baby this way," Dr. Young said.

Logan looked up at me as if I had to tell him what he had to do. I nodded, knowing what the doctor said was the best thing to do and as long as he promised I could stay right here I thought it was okay. He bit his lip and with help of the doctor he managed to get back to the other bed. Logan looked back at me and I felt horrible for doing this, when he obviously didn't want to do this.

I tried smiling at him, but Logan only got more tears in his eyes and I wanted so bad to reach out and pull him back to me, holding him close to keeping him safe from all the pain. I could hardly take it when Logan moaned in pain, yet another contraction taking over him. I wondered how long I would have to watch this, how long Logan would have to go through the horrible pains of labor.

I watched Logan's cheeks get bright red from the effort, the sweat and tears on his face mixing up on hit warm skin. Logan had to come back to me, I had to touch him while he was doing this. He couldn't do this on his own.

Just that moment Logan decided the exact same thing and he reached out for me, hoisting himself up on one of his knees and then the other, trying to crawl to me. "Logan, what are you doing? You shouldn't move anymore, that's not good for you!" Dr. Young exclaimed shocked and he grabbed Logan's wrist, holding him there.

"N-no," He sobbed. "Ke-Kendall, p-please."

"Your husband is staying right there, Logan. He wouldn't let us take him anywhere else if we wanted to," The doctor tried to sooth him, but he didn't understand that even the small space between us was too much.

Logan shook his head and tried getting closer again, but he couldn't and I didn't understand why until I saw his left arm. It was in a cast.

I frowned at it, but on the inside I was freaking out. Logan broke his arm? How did that happen? Did he fall? Did someone hurt him? Oh, I would kill that person.

Meanwhile Dr. Young had managed to get Logan to lie down again, but Logan was still struggling. Talking seemed to be impossible for him now, the way he was sobbing in pain told me he was having another contraction.

As soon as it was over Logan tried again to get to me, this time sliding on his butt like he did when I first got here. This time the doctor let him go, as if he realized Logan would try until he got to me. Logan lay down next to me and put his head on my shoulder. "Hey baby," I murmured to him, he looked

"I w-wanna s-s-stay h-here," He whimpered, desperately clawing at my arm. "P-please?"

"Sure Logie," I whispered, glancing at his doctor. I didn't know if he could lie here with me, I had no idea if it was possible to deliver our baby that way. The man sighed, but nodded and walked around the beds to my other side.

"Alright, we'll do it like this. It's not unusual to let husbands help during the birth." He waved one of the nurses over and they started moving us around. My legs were pulled apart, which was a very strange sensation because I didn't feel it, but then I did feel it at the same time. Then they helped Logan sit between my legs and took of his sweat pants.

I felt much better about our new situation. Logan was only trembling a little bit, not nearly as much as before. "I love you," I whispered in his ear, loving how he turned his head to the side and tucked it under my chin.

"I love y-you too," He said quietly and laced his fingers with mine on his chest. Logan was so much calmer now, he didn't even look up when Dr. Young started doing stuff between his legs.

"You're 8 centimeters dilated, Logan. Are you willing to try that? I don't think you're gonna reach 10 centimeters."

Logan nodded absentmindedly, but his focus was on our joined hands. He watched them, lightly ran his fingers over mine and followed a line down my thumb with his nail. I couldn't move my hand, but I did feel him touching me and I loved that. I could feel his warmth through my hospital gown and his muscles flexing against my chest.

"Okay then, with the next contraction you have to start pushing, Logan. Are you ready for that?"

Logan nodded again, though this time a lot more focused and insecure. "Kendall?" He whispered.

"Hmm?"

"It h-hurts," He told me quietly.

"I know, love, but it'll only be for a little while. After that Kenzie will be here."

He nodded and stared ahead of him for minute, biting his lip. "And then we'll all go home?"

"I promise."

He nodded again. I knew he was going to say something again and I waited patiently for it, not wanting to scare him off. "It doesn't hurt as much now you're here," Logan admitted whispering.

I smiled and leaned forward to kiss his hair, not noticing what I just did until pulled my head back. I could move my neck! It was heavy and tough and it hurt a bit, but I could move! That gave me a little bit of hope I might regain control over all my muscles soon.

Logan didn't notice, the next contraction had started and he was squeezing my hand tightly. The doctor was encouraging him, urging him to hold on and I decided to help the man a bit. The sooner this was over, the sooner Logan was out of pain and the sooner our baby girl would be here. "You can do this, sweetie," I told him. "We'll have Kenzie here, you know how long we've waited for her?"

Logan was still panting as the contraction slowly faded away, my fingertips were red because he squeezed so hard. "It'll probably take a little while before we actually make progress but we have to move on now," Dr. Young said uncertainly. "I'm afraid the baby isn't getting enough oxygen to hold out in there. I say we have an hour or so, we'll probably make that if we take the necessary steps."

"What kind of steps?" I asked worriedly.

"We might have to speed things up a little by widening the birth channel."

"And how would you do that?" I asked hesitantly.

"I would make a small incision to widen it a bit."

"There's no other way?" I didn't like the idea of the doctor cutting into my Logie at all.

"First we'll try medication that will speed up the contractions. I hope that will work, because with the cut the chance of infection for Logan and the baby will be much bigger."

More reasons to hate the idea of cutting my sweetie.

"We'll b-be fine," Logan mumbled to me. "You're h-here."

I smiled and pressed another kiss to his head. I didn't ask anymore question and let the doctor do his work, putting up an IV-bag and setting up some machine that told us the rhythm of Kenzie's heartbeats. Logan's head was turned to the side and his eyes were closed, it was almost like he was sleeping as calm as he looked now. I couldn't believe that only a few minutes ago he crying and in pain. I was proud I had this effect on him, that I made him feel so much better.

But it didn't last long. Soon another contraction kicked in and the doctor encouraged Logan to push. It was all so surreal. For me, it was like I went to sleep yesterday, Logan still months away from birth. And then I wake up and I'm helping him while he's in labor. It was an enormous time skip and now I suddenly realized all the things that could have happened in two months. A new world war could have started, the Queen of England could've died, Logan could've been in over 60 accidents, one everyday.

"Good job, sweetie," I whispered when it was over. "Now relax a little before the next one starts."

He nodded and smiled up at me, obviously happy to hear those words. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

It went like that for twenty minutes. At first he had a contraction every three minutes, but then that stuff the doctor gave him kicked in and he got one every other minute. Logan didn't even have time to catch his breathe between them and I hated seeing him in pain like that. Logan didn't show it though, he didn't make any sounds at all. But he didn't have to, the panting between the contractions and the way he squeezed my hand so tight I wondered if I would ever be able to feel my fingertips again.

Another ten minutes later something happened. Logan tensed up and he whimpered quietly, the doctor smiled. Progress, obviously. "Alright, Logan. The head is in the channel, now the real work will start. Are you ready?"

Logan looked up at me and I nodded, but only make him feel better. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. Yes, we've wanted Kenzie for almost three years now, but I felt like I had no time to prepare myself for this at all. Then again, with Keira and Kegan I didn't have time to prepare myself either and they turned out fine.

We made progress, but it also hurt Logan more now and I wished I could do more than whisper things to him and kiss his hair. I wanted to hold him tight and stroke his skin, cuddle him close to me to distract him from what he was doing and be with him in our own little world.

I focused really hard and tried to move my arm. If I could move my neck and face, why wouldn't I be able to move my arm? But after trying for a minute I had to admit it was no use. Instead I focused my finger. One little finger, I would be able to do that right?

Amazingly, my index finger shook a little bit and one by one I found back the fingers of my left hands. Ecstatically I focused on my right hand, the one Logan was holding, and only pausing when Logan whimpered to gently talk him through the contraction.

"Alright, Logan. You can do this. One big push so I won't have to cut," Dr. Young said to him. "Three, two..."

I focused on Logan again, but this time seemed to hurt Logan more than others, even more than the last ones. I whispered sweet nothings in his ear, but it didn't help Logan any. He gritted his teeth and a few tears escaped, squeezing his eyes shut tightly ones it was over. "It's okay, baby," I muttered to him softly and squeezed his hand with everything I had, which wasn't much. "You're okay."

He looked up at me in wonder and I leaned in to kiss his cheek, loving how his skin colored bright red. "You squeezed my hand," He whispered.

I smiled. "I did."

The corners of his lips curled up a little bit and he tucked his head under my chin, closing his eyes again. I let him, not wanting to stop Logan from doing anything he wanted to do. I carefully untangled our fingers and ran mine over the back of his hand. Logan purred and pulled my hand back in his. I kissed his hair again, right before Logan tensed up again.

I murmured sweet nothings to him, but attention was quickly pulled to the doctor's face. He looked too worried for my liking. "Logan, I'm..." Dr. Young started to say.

"Just do it," Logan hissed at him.

One of the nurses brought a really scary looking pair of scissors to the doctor and before I could ask what he was going to do with them Logan's body jolted and he cried out in pain. I furiously looked up at the doctor and was about to yell at the guy for hurting my Logie, more than the contractions hurt him so far. Dr. Young saw my look of disbelieve and anger and quickly started explaining, "It's a tight fit, Mr. Knight. This small incision will stop Logan from tearing later on. It'll go easier and faster now and afterwards we'll give him stitches, it'll be fine."

I nodded, not sure if I believed the man. He just cut my husband. Logan had told him to do it, but still. It hurt him. You didn't hurt him without getting killed by me. I would have to kill myself then, because I'd obviously made him hurt the past months, but it wasn't on purpose and I would make it up to him. I pulled Logan closer to me, wanting to protect him from more pain, though I couldn't possibly protect him from his own body.

I let go of Logan in surprise, only to pull him against me once again. I felt my arms! They hurt like hell and it was like I lost all my strength, but I loved Logan's reaction more then I cared about my pains. Logan melted into me and grabbed my arm with both hands. "Kendall, do that again," He whispered breathlessly.

I did as he asked, running my thumb over the back of his hand reassuringly. When Logan looked up at me, he was crying again, though not in pain. He was happy.

The doctor turned out to be right. After he set the cut everything went fast. By the next push, Kendall's head was crowning and it would be over soon. "Alright Logan! Great job! I can see her head, let's get the head out in the next push shall we," He said, his face showing relieve. Dr. Young was probably glad this whole thing was almost over.

Logan nodded and dug his nails in my arm, but it took three more pushes before I could see Kenzie's head between Logan's legs. "Last one, sweetie. I'm so proud of you," I whispered in his ear. "Just one more."

"Okay," He panted and tightened his grip on my arms for the last time. Ten seconds later the doctor laid our daughter on Logan's stomach and the whole thing was forgotten. I let go of Logan and wrapped my arms around both of them, as Logan cradled Kendall against his chest.

"Look at that, Logie," I said softly, as our baby started crying loudly. There was no word in the world that could describe the feeling I had now. Amazement, love, happiness, luck -if that was even a feeling. Baby Kendall looked almost exactly like Keira when she was a baby, except for the thick, black hair on her head and a few little details in her face. She looked so much like Logan.

He definitely had the dominant genes.

"Beautiful baby," Logan whispered. He turned slightly so he could see my face and I felt even luckier when I saw him shining all over. Logan leaned in and kissed me softly. "Thank you."

"No, sweetie, I should be thanking you. Look at what you did, such a perfect little baby we have there."

He blushed in delight and snuggled into me, pulling Kenzie closer to him. Her crying was softer now; she'd started wriggling her tiny arms and legs, as if she was testing herself if she was fully working. At last she opened her eyes, looking straight up at her daddy. They had a vague, grey-greenish color to them, so much different than Keira's and Kegan's black orbs at their births. "Looks like you got green after all," I said quietly and didn't care about the blood that stuck to my hand when I stroked her cheek.

"This is perfect," He whispered, "I got you back and Kenzie is here and we'll all go home and never leave again."

I smiled a little and nuzzled his cheek. "Sounds good to me, Logie."

A few minutes later a nurse took Kenzie from us to measure and weigh her and clean her up, while two others helped Logan get off of the dirty bed and onto a clean one, cleaning him up on the way there. As soon as Logan was gone, my doctor showed up and started doing things to me. I wasn't really paying attention; I was looking at Logan who was now getting stitches in parts where I wouldn't want a needle close to. He was staring back at me as well and he slowly started to look like when I first saw him in this room, just as scared and sad.

It was over soon though and his doctor brought him back to me -I loved that man-, when my own doctor was done with me. Logan curled into my side and the nurse brought our baby back to us, laying her on my chest.

"Look at her, Logie. She's so tiny," I said quietly. Logan nodded, but didn't say anything. His eyes were fixed on her little face, sometimes smiling when he saw something that was invisible to me.

So I kept quiet and watched them both, smiling softly when Kenzie yawned and whimpered softly before closing her eyes. It wasn't long before Logan yawned too. I was incredibly tired as well, I'd pushed it aside when I heard about Logan, but now I was even more exhausted.

I didn't remembered James and Carlos until some came to tell us they were waiting outside in the hall and she asked us if we wanted to see them or not. I looked at Logan for a moment, but I already knew they answer. We would have loads of opportunities to see them. Later. The look of gratefulness on Logan's face was one I would never forget. The same nurse as before took Kenzie, the feed her and put her to sleep with the other babies. Soon it was silent in the room and nothing besides the quiet beeping of several machines and Logan's soft breathing could be heard.

Logan yawned again and I put my hand on cheek, slowly rubbing his soft skin with my thumb. It was then that he started crying again, big tears made their way down his cheeks. I had no idea what he was feeling now, I only knew this was not the right time to talk about it. Childbirth was supposedly incredibly tiring and if the bags under his eyes were any indication, I knew Logan needed sleep more than he needed to talk to me. "Sleep, Logie," I whispered to him.

"Y-you s-stay here?" He whispered back.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," I told him.

The corners of his lips curled up in a tired, but content smile. "Happy birthday," He said quietly.

I grinned at him and nuzzled his nose. I couldn't have wished for a better birthday. I had a daughter. "Thank you, sweetie."

"I've something for you."

"That's really sweet of you, baby. But how about we do that tomorrow, okay? You really have to rest now."

Logan nodded and he pressed his face in the crook of my neck, closing his eyes. I played with his hair until his breathing evened out and I knew he was asleep. Only then I closed my eyes and allowed the sleep to take over. He would be all right now.

* * *

><p>For a really long time I thought Kendall was going to die. I'd written ten thousands of words of Kendall being dead. But I couldn't just let a story I spent the past one and half year writing end like that. That's why I've started a new story, one that has nothing to do with this one, in which Kendall will die. I'm going to post that one after I finished this, which could take a really long time since I've no idea how I'm going to end this yet. You were lucky. Remember that. :)<p> 


	30. Chapter 30

The night had been hell. I'd been drifting in and out of sleep, always waking up thinking I dreamed it all and Kendall didn't really wake up. But then he was right there, his arms tight around me and my head tucked comfortably under his chin against his chest. He would whisper to me quietly and hum until I fell asleep again and there was nothing, nothing, better than that.

I was so tired, even more then yesterday, after days of not sleeping. At least I slept little bits this night, but somehow it made me even more exhausted. That, together with the pain in my stomach from all my muscles tightening and my organs going back to their original place now there was no longer a baby in their way, caused me to just lie quietly in Kendall's arms, trying not to cry or fall back asleep. This was good.

I'd missed him so much and hearing Kendall's heartbeat, feeling his familiar arms around me and just knowing he was right there I felt better than I did in a long time.

He was awake, but I wasn't ready to let him know I was too. I wanted to just lie here for a while and lock this memory in my head forever. I had him now; I wanted to enjoy my time with him as long as I could. Kendall was running his fingers over my arm and I felt his eyes on me and it all felt so great I didn't want it to stop yet.

So I didn't do anything and simply felt.

I wondered what it was like for him, to wake up in this mess. It was my fault it was all like this, if I'd only been strong enough to keep Keira and Kegan with me and hold on, have faith in Kendall that he would not break his promises to me and he would really wake up... It wouldn't have been like this. Kenzie wouldn't have been born yet, I would be able to bring Keira and Kegan here to see him and I would be able to smile at him.

But I wasn't like that.

And here I was, hiding in Kendall's arms, not even brave enough to let him know I woke up because I was afraid he would let go of me then and I didn't want that. No, I didn't want that. I only ever felt safe when Kendall was right there -a sick souvenir from the time I spent with Jett- and I wasn't ready to give that up yet. I needed a few more minutes, I needed to prepare myself and think of what I wanted and didn't want to say to him, because obviously I couldn't tell him everything.

Telling him about James, for example, would be a very bad idea. As would be telling him about the cutting and the way I would probably have starved myself to death if it wasn't for Carlos and James. No, Kendall couldn't know how bad I'd been feeling the past months, he would just blame himself. He could know I missed him; yes, but not that I barely even made it out of this alive.

Kendall's other hand was on my middle, holding me close and pressing me to him, which I loved very much. How did I end up marrying this man that didn't even say one word about how horrible I must've looked last nights, minutes after having a baby? How did I end up with Kendall, who after all these years still looked at me like I was the only person in the world?

It was how I knew last night that this was my Kendall, and not the scary lifeless vegetative state version of him I'd barely been able to look at. He was looking at me with my look in his eyes, melting the green and making it burn, almost like they were lighting up but not quite yet. He looked so worried and all I wanted was to get to him and let him take care of me, because when he did that, everything would be all right. Kendall made everything all right.

Even now, when he was hardly doing anything, he made me feel better than thousands of James and Carlos' reassuring and comforting words. He made it all better just by being here.

And when Kenzie was born, Kendall was content lying back and watching her as he kept his arms around me. It made me feel bad for not letting him hold her, but I needed him to hold me then. I needed him. And I was terrified, because what if Kendall would give her to his mother too? I was not going to loose all my children to her. Kenzie had to stay with me.

And how could I get Keira and Kegan back without making Kendall suspicious something was going on? I didn't want him to know mama Knight took them from me, I didn't want him to think she was right and I couldn't take care of my kids. I could, it was the only thing I was certain of at the moment.

It would be hard to get them here without letting Kendall know, but I hoped I could. I wanted to have everyone with me, have my family complete for the very first time. I imagined tears and laughter, seeing them again after such a long time. Kendall and I would introduce them to their baby sister and see all our children together would make me feel better.

Kendall pulled me closer and pressed his lips to the top of my head, muttering some words I couldn't hear. It didn't matter though, I felt loved and that was honestly all I needed now. Slowly I moved my hand up his arm, loving to feel his muscles tighten under his skin after so long of no reaction at all. I needed this, needed to know he was still there.

I ran my hand lower, over his shirt-covered chest to where his heart was and kept it there. It was beating was strongly now, steadier and heavier, it was working again. After so long, I felt it again, one of the things I loved most.

Slowly I opened my eyes, getting used to the light before taking in what I was seeing. Just Kendall's hospital shirt thingy and my own thumb. Not that what I wanted to see most. But I was scared. What if the look in his eyes wasn't the same as I remembered? I was terrified he changed during his coma and he wouldn't be my Kendall anymore.

But I had nothing to worry about. Kendall cupped my cheek in his hand and made me look up at him, the green eyes I loved so incredibly much studying my face worriedly. It was still there, my look. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again and smiled at me instead. I tried smiling back, but my face somehow failed to move the necessary muscles and I could only stare at him.

I missed him so much and now he was back. It was incredible, a miracle, and I would never let him go again. Kendall's smile fell when I didn't smile back; I hated it, I wanted to see him smile more. Now he was back to looking worried, pitiful and sad. "Hey, Logie," He whispered to me.

"Hey," I whispered back.

"You look exhausted," He told me quietly, running his thumb over the bag under my eye. "You should sleep a bit longer."

I shook my head and went back to staring at him, taking in every little detail of his face. Kendall had stubble on his cheeks and chin, uneven in a lot of places from nurses who didn't know how to shave a man's face. I wanted it gone soon, wanted to feel his soft cheek against my own.

"I love you," He told me softly.

Once again all I could do was stare at him, as Kendall was the best thing in the world and I couldn't believe I finally had him back with me. And he loved me, which made this so much better. I loved it he loved me and I loved him so much for it. I wanted that and I had it back. Now I could be all right again.

"Sweetie, please say something? I'm so fucking worried about you and I need to know you're going to be okay." He looked at me pleadingly and all I could do was stare, but I knew I had to let him I was going to be okay. As long as he stayed with me.

"I- I just w-want t-to lie here," I told him and it was true. I wanted nothing more than to feel Kendall around me and forget everything else, feel like we were the only persons in the world.

"We can do that, baby," He soothed, running his hand over my cheek.

I hesitantly moved my hand up as well, wanting to touch him, but not knowing exactly how to. I ran my finger over his eyebrow, only to pull back immediately when it suddenly moved up. The smile on Kendall's face faded and I realized he had done it as some kind of joke, but I was scared out of my mind. Suddenly he was able to make all this little movements again and I had to get used to that.

"I'm sorry, Logie," He said quietly. "I won't do it anymore, please go on."

I nodded and put my hand back on his face, hesitating before running my finger over his other eyebrow. Kendall didn't move this time, just studied me and kept really still. I moved my finger down his nose to his cheek, staying on the soft part of it, away from the stubble. I didn't like it, it had to go.

I gently ran my finger close to his eye and he closed it, letting me touch his eyelids and lashes. Then I moved my hand lower, to his lips, and caressed them softly. After a minute, Kendall gently took my hand in his and kissed my finger, then moved them back under the blanket. I didn't realize how cold my hand was until it was engulfed in Kendall's much warmer, bigger hand.

Kendall put his forehead against mine then, nuzzling our nose together. It made him smile a little and I loved seeing it, wanted him to smile forever. "Are you going to be scared if I kiss you?" He whispered.

"No," I whispered back. I didn't have to think about that. I wanted Kendall to think about me, I wanted to have his attention on me. I wanted to be the center of his thoughts and feel wanted and loved again. Anything to not feel so alone anymore.

Kendall kissed me then and he was being so gentle and soft, his lips moving slowly, giving me time to think this all through. He held me close and kissed me how I liked being kissed. It was me who decided to take it further, though I let Kendall take the lead. It was what he was best at and I just wanted to let him take care of me.

I didn't know when the tears came, but I didn't even notice them until Kendall stopped kissing me and looked at me worriedly again. I wanted to keep kissing him, wanted to feel like the only person Kendall wanted. "Why are you crying, baby?" He ran his fingers over my cheek to catch the tears.

I didn't know, I just knew that this was not what I wanted. I wanted Kendall to kiss me and focus on nothing but me. It was my turn now. "Kiss me," I whispered, begging him with my eyes.

He looked at me intensely for a moment, obviously wondering if this was the best idea, but then he pressed his lips to mine again. It wasn't long before we were kissing the same as before, slowly and gently. It made me think of the night I came back after he'd kicked me out, how we spent hours on that couch just kissing and touching.

Kendall didn't pull away anymore, not until I did so myself. And there were only three reasons why I would do that, one of them crying now. "Kenzie," I whispered and turned around, looking at my baby crying and waving with her little arms. If I reached I could probably just pull her basket closer. I sat up and reached out, but I was a bit wrong about the distance and if it wasn't for Kendall's arms around me I would've fallen out of bed. "Be careful, Logie," He said, but I only had eye for my crying daughter.

I picked her up and her beautiful eyes opened in surprise, before she went back to crying. Kendall sat up to and put his arm around my waist, pulling me back to him. I rocked her slowly, quickly losing my pinky to her clenching fist; it distracted her from whatever got her to cry. "She already loves you," Kendall told me.

"You think?"

"Definitely. Look at her, so calm as soon as you were holding her."

I pulled her closer and leaned into his side, Kendall's arms coming around the both of us. How I did without this, I had no idea, but being here with them made it all better. He brushed some if my hair away and kissed my temple, which for some reason made him laugh softly.

"Your hair has gotten longer, sweetie," He explained when he saw my face.

I hadn't really noticed. Or maybe I had and I just didn't care, for the past weeks my mind had been on other things than getting a hair cut. "I guess I'll go to a hair cutter soon," I muttered, not really focused because Kenzie started making faces and I wondered if she was hungry.

"Don't," Kendall whispered in my ear. "I love it like this."

It was such a weird feeling; the blood rushing to my cheeks instead of away. How long had it been since I last blushed? The last time was probably two months ago, before this hell started. It was weird, but a good weird. Familiar and normal.

Kendall hummed happily when he saw it and tightened his arm around my waist. On that moment a nurse came in, holding a little baby bottle. She smiled at us when she saw we were awake. "Hello. I came to feed your baby but now that your awake I think you want to do it yourself," She said happily and gave Kendall the tiny bottle.

"Why is it so small?" He asked confused.

"Oh, well, she hasn't eaten anything the whole night, so we've been trying different bottles and different kinds of formula," She explained. "It sometimes happens a baby won't settle for anything less than a mother's breast, but since that isn't really an option here we'll have to wait until she's hungry enough to accept the bottle. Though it'll probably help she gets this bottle from her parents."

I bit my lip and put the teat of the bottle to get bottom lip, waiting for her to open her mouth. "I'll be back in half an hour to check on you again. Good luck."

Kendall said something to her, but my attention was entirely on getting Kenzie to drink: at least this tiny little bit that was hardly more than 1/4 of a glass. She wouldn't open her mouth to the plastic teat and I carefully pried her lips apart and just pushed it in, but Kenzie didn't like that at all and started crying again.

I turned her and held her against my chest, leaning into Kendall more. This was exactly one of those situations where I just needed Kendall to be there, I would've panicked if I were alone but he made me better by just being right there. "Don't give up yet," He murmured to me. "If anything she'll drink it because you give it to her."

I looked up at him, uncertain still, but then Kendall kissed me and smiled at me, "You can do this."

I nodded and held Kenzie on my arm again. She didn't like that; she'd been more comfortable lying against my chest. "Come baby, for me and papa," I whispered, her big green eyes fixed on my face. I put the bottle to her lips again and this time decided to simply wait until she would open and let it in.

Kendall put his head on my shoulder and his hand on her tummy, waiting with me. It took five minutes before she parted her little lips and a little tongue came out to lick at the strange thing. "Look, Kendall!"

"I can see it, love." I felt him smile when Kenzie tried to close her lips around it and resembled a fish a lot. I gave her a little bit more and she started sucking right away like the hungry little baby she was.

I smiled when she closed her eyes and let her head fall to the side so her cheek was resting against my chest. It just got too much in that moment. I was so relieved it was like I was floating somewhere on a cloud. A huge weight was lifted off my chest when Kendall woke up and now I'd seen what he could do again, how easily he could make things better. We would all be fine now.

As silent tears made their way down my cheeks it took me a while to figure out I wasn't the only one crying. I knew it were happy tears as he was smiling, but I still liked to know why. He kissed me as soon as I looked up at him and our tears mixed together. "I love you so much," He whispered to my lips. Kendall left me no room to answer as he kissed me again, in the most perfect way.

When he pulled away he put one of his arms under my thighs and the other around my waist, lifting me up and between his legs, much like we sat last night. "Staying right there," I heard him mumble behind me and he wrapped his arms around my waist.

It was really comfortable and as soon as Kenzie finished her bottle and I'd burped her I put her back on my chest, leaning back against Kendall. She fell asleep quickly and for a while I just watched her, not even noticing how my eyes were falling close every so often until Kendall put his hand over my eyes, closing them with his fingers. "Just for a little while," He told me softly when I opened my mouth to protest. "It'll be good for you."

I did as he said, knowing he was right and I barely slept during the night. Kendall put his hand on my cheek, just leaving it there. It was enough. I was tired and Kendall finally managed to make me feel safe enough to fall asleep. I thought of Kegan and Keira and managed to look at the clock long enough to know it was seven thirty before Kendall's hand was on my eyes again, covering them. It didn't matter, it was too early to call them and get them here.

I could sleep.

* * *

><p>When I woke up later Kenzie was no longer lying on my chest, I immediately freaked out. I heard other voices in the room and I could not let her come close to my baby. I wouldn't have it. Kendall was still behind me and pulled me back when I wanted to jump up and search for my newborn daughter.<p>

But it was just James and Carlos, sitting together in the corner and talking quietly. Carlos was holding my baby girl, feeding her her second bottle of her life. "Shh," Kendall soothed and pulled me back against me. "You're okay."

I nodded, but my eyes stayed fixed on Carlos and my daughter. Kendall couldn't go anywhere, but she was small enough to get carried around and away from me and that was just not happening. I couldn't handle that now. Kendall slowly ran his hands over my sides and hummed quietly in my ear, trying to get me to relax.

It took a few more minutes before James and Carlos to notice I woke up and they were some of the longest of my life. "Hey buddy! You woke up!"

It was hard for me not to roll my eyes at him, obviously I was awake. "Yes, James."

"Logan, she looks so much like you! It's, like, freaking insane!" Carlos said happily.

I reached out for her and Carlos laid her in my arms again, where she was supposed to be. I relaxed and tried to melt into Kendall, away from anything that was going to break us apart. It didn't go unnoticed by either James or Carlos, as I saw them exchanging looks. Kendall didn't notice though, and in the end that was what mattered. He put his arms around my chest and I heard him sigh happily.

"So…" James said to break the silence. "Carlos and I, uh, we-"

"We brought you some clothes! And clothes for Kenzie and, well, no clothes for you Kendall, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I'm fine," He told them.

I was not sure if he was fine, not at all, but I loved to believe it for now and just let him take care of me. "We, uh, called mama Knight. She's on her way here with all the kids."

I froze, but I didn't know if it was from Jennifer coming her or getting reunited with my children. A little bit of both, probably. Kendall immediately picked up on my reaction this time, wrapping his arms around my chest to keep me close.

"Come, James, we'll go wait for them downstairs," Carlos said, taking the taller's hands and pulling him out of the room.

As soon as the door closed Kendall put his head on my shoulder, "What's wrong?" He asked worriedly.

I didn't know what to tell him without giving the whole thing away. How could I tell him that I didn't want his mother anywhere near our children? How could I tell him I hadn't been allowed to take our son and daughter home since he got in a coma? How could I tell him about anything that happened the past few months without making him sad and disappointed?

"Logie, talk to me, please. Don't close up," He almost begged, his lips pressed to my ear. "Don't be like you were after Jett, you can tell me anything. I swear I won't love you any less, probably even more for being brave enough to tell me."

I swallowed and fought back the tears because it was just so damn hard not to give into that. Kendall just told me he loved me and would love me even more for talking to him, right now I would do anything for love. And I was just so relieved he came back to me I would give Kendall anything he wanted, just to keep him with me.

"Please, sweetie," He mumbled, "Talk."

"I- I- Keira and... We- I just-" I took a deep breath, "I just really want to see them," I lied eventually, wondering if he could see through it.

"Ah. I guess it's good James and Carlos called mom then. I kind of miss them..." He stayed silent for a while, thinking. "Did they change a lot?"

"No," I told him. "They're still the same."

Kendall nodded, slipping his hands under my shirt. I cringed not used to anyone touching me and definitely not in an area that was so sore now. He seemed to realize that though, as he was being extra gentle and soft. I leaned into him and let him do what he wanted, holding Kenzie against my chest again. She was sleeping, her little hands reaching out of the blanket and I tucked them back in there, pulling the blanket tighter around her.

Kendall pulled me down again, I hadn't even noticed I was sitting up again, and he folded his hand over Kenzie's back. "Carlos is right, you know. She looks exactly like you, even more than Keira does."

I turned my head, hiding my face in the crook of his neck. He was so soft and he smelled so good, even after so long of not showering. Nurses cleaned him up every other day, they did with every coma patient, but it was nothing like a nice, long shower.

I decided I would get him to shower with me as soon as the opportunity arose.

"I'm really happy you talk to me," He whispered.

I kissed his neck, not knowing how else to answer that. I wanted to tell him everything, I really wanted to, but he would feel horrible and that was not what I wanted. I would tell him tomorrow. Today was going to be my day of peace and rest and happiness.

Kendall rested his cheek against mine, his long finger running over my side and arm until they reached the cast on my arm. He stirred and closed his hand around my arm right above it. "How did you break your arm?"

"I tripped over the loose carpet in the hall upstairs," I told him. "It doesn't hurt anymore, I think the cast can come off next week."

He nodded, relaxing some. Kendall probably thought terrible things happened to me, like I broke my arm when I fell of a building, and I smiled a little bit. He was always so worried about me.

"Did someone help you get to the hospital?"

"Carlos did, the next morning."

"The next morning?" I could tell he didn't like that.

"It was late, I didn't want to bother them. They already did so much for me. I was alone and I knew it wasn't that bad or my wrist would've swollen. I just went to bed."

But Kendall only focused on one thing. "You were alone? Where were Keira and Kegan?"

"They- uh, they were with your mother," I muttered. I wasn't even lying, though this was not the exact truth either.

"Aha."

I didn't put his worries at ease at all; Kendall was still way too tense. I kissed his jaw and linked my fingers with his on Kenzie's back, before closing my eyes again. He stopped talking about it, but I knew he would get back to it as soon as he thought about it a little more. It was always like that when I did something Kendall didn't know was the truth or not.

Soon enough Kendall went back to being sweet and caring as he closed his eyes too, the two of us just lying there. I couldn't wait until my children were here, to see their little faces and to close my arms around them and keep them with me forever. Because I knew that for sure, they were not going back with mama Knight. She probably wouldn't insist on taking them now Kendall was awake, but I just couldn't handle it to see them with her again. They were to stay with me.

"I should probably sit somewhere else if Kegan and Keira are coming," I said reluctantly. I couldn't deny them this though, they'd missed Kendall too and wanted to sit in his lap as much as I wanted that.

"The only place you're going to be sitting is right here," Kendall told me, not even thinking about letting me move.

"No, I mean I'll sit next to you again instead of between your legs," I explained. "They missed you, Kendall, they want to sit in your lap too."

Kendall looked at me for a while, then he carefully helped me climb over his leg and sit next to him again. "I don't like this," He murmured then, pulling me close to him.

I smiled a tiny smile, loving Kendall rather had me in his lap than one of our children. Then I quickly pushed that thought away, feeling guilty. I was only thinking like that because I just got him back and I want him to only think of me, so I wouldn't feel so incredibly lonely anymore. That was what I wanted.

Kenzie once again managed to break one of her arms free and Kendall tucked it back into the blanket, running his finger over her cheek. "You want to hold her?" I asked quietly.

"Thought you would never ask," He said happily, taking her from me.

Kendall held her on one arm, keeping the other around me. "I forgot how light they are," He said softly. "Little baby."

"I'm glad she's not as little as Kegan was."

"I agree. Kenzie's going to be a big baby girl with chubby cheeks that smiles all the time," He cooed to her. "Aren't you? A big baby with a big smile?"

Kendall grinned at me, leaning in for a kiss before he went back to watching her. I put my cheek on his shoulder, watching how Kendall turned into the father I loved seeing around my children. It was one of the things I missed most, watching Kendall around my babies, playing and talking with them.

I was the first to see Kegan come into the room, his little face filled with excitement as he looked around and saw us. "Papa!"

Kendall looked up his grin widening when he saw Kegan and he gave Kenzie back to me. "Hey buddy!"

Kegan ran up to the bed and Kendall helped him climb on it, into his lap. "Papa, I missed you! And you looked strange and you didn't wake up!"

"I know, baby, but I'm okay now."

"So now more sleeping like that, kay?"

"I promise, Kegie," Kendall told him, pulling him closer. Kegan wrapped his arms around Kendall's neck, clearly not letting go anytime soon.

I was so focused on Kegan I only saw Keira when she stood next to the bed, reaching out for Kendall. "Keira," He whispered, using his free arm to pull her on the bed as well. "Hey, honey."

Keira pressed her face in Kendall's chest and started crying. "It's okay, Keke," He whispered to her, kissing the top of her head.

I reached out, running my fingers through her hair. It was a tight fight, with five in one bed, but for now I didn't care at all. I had them all here, every last member of my family within arms reach.

Just then everyone else came in, James and Carlos, each carrying one girl, and mama Knight following behind. I pulled Kenzie closer to me as soon as I saw her, pulling the pink blanket up higher to hide her from the woman I really didn't want here right now.

"Hi mom," Kendall said happily, still holding Keira and Kegan close to him. He didn't notice how I tried to stay as far away from her as I possibly could when she walked up to the bed.

"Kendall, oh honey, you have no idea how relieved I am!"

"I've a pretty good idea," He answered, glancing at me. He frowned when he saw me leaning away from him as his mother hugged him. His eyes went between his mother and me, but he probably couldn't figure out what was going on.

"You look really pale though, did you eat anything since you woke up?"

"Uh, no. I haven't really had the time for that yet, it all went so fast yesterday and when I woke up this morning, well, there were other things. But I'm not really hungry."

She nodded and let go off Kendall, her eyes travelling over to me. "Oh my lord, she's here! Let me see her!"

Mama Knight reached out for her, but all I could do was hold her tighter and lean back as far as I could. Kendall looked at me stunned but I didn't care anymore. She was not getting my baby, no matter what I had to do. "Logie, what are you doing?"

I shook my head and kept my arms tight around Kenzie, she was not going away from me. Jennifer sighed and totally pretended to feel sad. "I know what this is about, I'm the bad guy now."

"Of course you are the bad guy! You didn't even let me come see them in the end!" I said, feeling the tears burn in my eyes when I remembered how much I missed them.

"You could always come see them! You were the one that didn't come anymore!"

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Kendall asked sharply.

"She didn't let me take them home," I told him, framing Kenzie's head when I felt her stir.

"I was only trying to help you."

"I needed them and they needed me! How is breaking up a family helping!"

"You couldn't take care of them!"

"You didn't even give me a chance!"

"Mom is that true?" Kendall came between, cutting her off.

"You should've seen him, Kendall. He wasn't able to take care of them, especially not while he was pregnant."

"So you just took Keira and Kegan and didn't give them back? Away from the only parent they had at that moment?"

"He saw them everyday, it's not like they-"

"Instead of letting James and Carlos help him out, you just took matters in your owns hands and decided for him? How could you do that?" Kendall looked at his mother with disbelieve on his face, his arms around Keira and Kegan even tighter than before.

"Kendall, I was only doing it for their own good."

"For their own good? You call this their own good?" He gestured at Keira and Kegan, who were now both crying, and me. "They haven't been home in months and Logan barely let go of Kenzie long enough for me to hold her!"

"Kendall, I-"

"No. Just go, I don't want to see you right now."

Mama Knight looked like she was going to say something, but then turned around and left. Kendall took a deep breath and then turned to James, the only other person left in the room. Carlos probably took the girls away when things got ugly. "Where you in on this?" Kendall snapped.

"No! Well, in the beginning we thought she was right, but we quickly saw it wasn't working and we tried to talk to her, but your mother... she has a way of turning everything around. We definitely did not agree with this."

Kendall nodded and looked down at us, biting his lip. "Hey, I appreciate you being here and all, but-"

"You rather spent it spent it with your family. That's okay, we'll just come nag you again tomorrow."

"Thanks James," Kendall said gratefully.

"You're welcome. You owe me though, big time."

"I probably do," Kendall said, his eyes back on me. The looks in his eyes told me he was not done asking questions.

"Okay then. Have fun today, I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow."

"Definitely. And can you bring some of my stuff tomorrow? My toothbrush, some clothes my butt will not be visible in?"

"Got it. Bye guys."

James left and Kendall put on of his arms around me, using the other to hold Keira and Kegan. "I love you all," He whispered, completely melting me. Keira and Kegan mumbled, 'Logie love,' and Kenzie made a small sound that probably meant she loved Kendall too. I kissed him on the place next to his ear, leaning into him as much as I could. As much as I enjoyed having everyone here, having all my children and Kendall around me again, I still wanted to have him alone soon.

Just the two of us. Only one day where no one will interrupt us and I can cuddle with Kendall as much as I wanted without being distracted. Just one day I could fall in love with him all over again.

"Daddy said you were dreaming really nice things when you were sleeping, were you?" Kegan asked quietly.

"I... I think I was, Kegie, but I can't remember it."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad I'm back with you."

"And with me?" Keira asked quietly.

"Of course, honey. I missed all of you and I'm really glad to be back with all of you."

"You're not going to sleep like that again, right papa?"

"Never," Kendall promised. I squirmed and Kendall rubbed my side as if he was apologizing. He shouldn't have said that, the chance was small but it could always happen again and then what? Keira and Kegan wouldn't be happy.

"We made pictures for you," Kegan told him. "One everyday and Keira wrote stories for you."

I could feel Kendall was surprised about Keira writing and I felt sorry for him. It must be horrible missing your daughter write her first words. I'd been so surprised when I saw the letter Keira wrote. "Oh really? I can't wait to see and read those," Kendall said, looking down at me again.

"Papa, you know which one is my favorite?" Kegan asked, patting Kendall's shoulder to get his attention back.

"No, tell me."

"The one where daddy is laughing because I told him a joke."

"What was that joke about?"

"That you would ground him at home if he forgot to take a picture."

I remembered that and felt tears come back to my eyes. Kendall squeezed hard in my side and I knew he knew how it must have been back then. "That is a funny joke, buddy."

"I did more soccer games too, but I lost one," Kegan pouted.

"But that's really good! If you won everything except for one! You must be number one in the competition!"

"But I wanted to win them all, papa!"

"That would've been cool, but I'm already so proud of you, I don't think there can be anymore pride."

Kegan beamed and put his head on Kendall's shoulder again. He was happy, of course he was. Kegan was always happy as soon as everything worked out.

"Keira, how is it at school now? Is Jenna in your class again?" Kendall asked her.

She nodded.

"And did you make anymore friends?"

She nodded again, but kept on clinging to Kendall tightly. Keira was not going to let go of him anytime soon.

"What are their names?"

"Lily and Cara. And Mila sometimes." Kendall smiled at the coincidence, much like I did the first time I heard about them. Keira, Jenna, Cara and Lily. The same first letters as Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan. Mila was probably something like Dustin had been in our first years together.

"Why is she only your friend sometimes?"

"Because she always wants to play kick ball with the boys when we're playing outside. But we want to play hide and seek or with dolls."

"I see, but then when are you friends with Mila?"

"When we're inside."

"Aha. And what about the horseback riding? Did grandma take you to the lessons?"

"Yes, Jenna is riding now too!"

"Not Lily and Cara?"

"No, they do ballet, daddy said I can maybe do both if I like it."

"Sure you can, we'll see if we can let you try a lesson."

Keira smiled up at him and curled into him again, looking past Kegan at the pink bundle in my arms. I turned Kenzie a bit so Keira could see her face, watching her closely. "What do you think, Keke?" I asked her.

"Is that baby?"

"She sure is. Her name is Kendall."

"No!" Kegan said worriedly. "No, papa's name is Kendall!"

"I know, Kegie, but she's called Kendall as well."

"But papa is a boy."

Kendall chuckled at Kegan. "That's true, but Kendall is also a girls name."

"Oh," Kegan said confused.

"How about we call her Kenzie?" I proposed, "Then it's not so confusing, okay?"

Kegan nodded happily and Keira smiled, the first smile I'd seen from her today. "You want to hold her?" I asked her.

Keira nodded eagerly. "Yes!"

"Come sit with me then," I told her, making a little room for her by moving Kenzie on one arm and helping Keira over here with the other. She sat in my lap and it hurt quite a bit, but not that much and for now I could ignore it. "Make your arms round, like you're holding a ball."

Keira did and I carefully laid Kenzie in her arms, supporting Keira's arms until I was sure she was used to Kenzie's weight. It was amazing, having both my daughters in my lap.

I looked to my right and saw Kegan lazily lying against Kendall's chest, playing with his papa's hand. "What do you think, Kegie? Do you like your new sister?" Kendall asked him.

Kegan frowned. "I don't know. She looks funny, but what if she isn't fun when she says things."

"I see. So you're going to wait if you like her or not until she can talk."

"Yes, then I know."

"Alright, but you do love her, right? Will you protect her as her big brother?"

"Yes, but only because I'm the only big brother."

"Okay, I can live with that."

"Papa, can I feed the baby too today?" He asked.

"Sure, baby."

"I'm not a baby, Kenzie is a baby," Kegan told me.

"I know, I call you baby because I love you."

"Do you call everyone you love baby?"

"No, just you and Keira and daddy."

"And Kenzie, 'cause Kenzie's a baby."

Kendall chuckled softly and kissed the top of his head. "You're totally right."

"'Kay, baby."

He started laughing and pulled him closer. "I'm bigger and older and taller than you, you can't call me baby, Kegie."

"So you can only call baby when someone is smaller than you?"

"Well, yes. That's about right."

"So I can call Kenzie baby?"

"Sure, buddy."

He nodded understandingly and played with the sleeve of his shirt. Kegan needed some new clothes. I wondered why mama Knight didn't get him some, she wanted to take care of him, but she couldn't get him good, fitting clothes?

"Were you sitting like this too when I was born?" Kegan asked curiously.

I smiled. "No, you had to go in the incubator, remember? You saw on the pictures. Daddy and me could hold you one time a day, but we always stayed with you."

"Was I there too?" Keira asked.

"Yes, you loved Kegan immediately and wanted him to play with you."

They both giggled, it was an amazing sound. I smiled a bit too. "Yeah, but Kegan was still too small to play," I told them.

"Who did I play with then?" Keira asked curiously.

"You played on your own, you were really good at that."

"And what did you do when I was born?" Keira asked curiously.

I looked at Kendall and shook my head lightly. They were too young for that, we would tell them what happened back them when they were a little older. "It was similar like this, Keira, but then without Kegan and Kenzie. Just me and daddy," Kendall said eventually.

She nodded and went back to watching her little sister. "She's bigger than my doll."

"She definitely is. But she has to grow up to be a big girl like you. I'm so proud of you, Keira."

She grinned up at me and I kissed the top of her head, quickly wrapping my arms back around her and Kenzie when her arms trembled and she almost let go of Kenzie. "Daddy, can we go home now?" She asked me.

"We will, baby. I promise we will, very soon."

It made me think of something and I looked at Kendall, the warm and peaceful feelings leaving quickly to make place for fear once again. He saw it immediately and looked at me worriedly, not sure if he should ask about it or not with our children here. I shook my head and tried to push the thought, but it was very hard to do so.

It couldn't be, could it? Would the whole things start over again now he woke up? Were we still not done with all the shit? All I wanted was to go home with my children and my husband, how much was that to ask for? Billions of people had that, I was sure I could be one of them for not to high a price.

But I still had the feeling it was all too good to be true and there were still some things we had to deal with. Was Kendall's kidney already taken out? I didn't know, I had too much other stuff to deal with when he was in a coma and I didn't even think about the cancer anymore. What if he still had it and it spread when he didn't get the Avastin treatment? I didn't want to think about it, I did not want to loose Kendall so quickly after I got him back.

I was silent for the rest of the day, trying to push my fears away and just enjoy this all while I still had it, but at the same time I couldn't stop thinking about it. I did not want this to happen. Why always us?

I could tell Kendall was dying to get me to talk but he couldn't with Keira and Kegan here, it even looked like they were going to be sleeping here. It was no problem, according to the staff, but I knew they rather saw them go. We spent all day in that bed, just the five of us and the occasional nurse or doctor that came to check up on Kendall, Kenzie or me.

Kendall had trouble eating. It was not really a surprise, but it didn't feel good at all. He tried an apple, which he quickly put back and took the sandwich, but that was still too solid and he eventually picked up the yoghurt. Even from that he could only take three more spoons before he pushed it all away. He stomach wasn't used to all the solid food anymore, not after only getting food through an IV for months.

Keira and Kegan demanded a movie after dinner, but they barely made it halfway through. My babies fell asleep with where they belonged; with us. There was another, clean bed in the room and I asked someone to help me carry them to that bed. Kendall's doctor showed up then, going on about some tests that needed to be done and what foods Kendall should be eating.

It was amazing when I climbed into the bed and felt Kendall wrap his arms around me again, pulling me close and holding me tight. I needed it. Kendall was still there, still with me and he was okay -for now. I tucked my head under his chin and closed my eyes tiredly, begging any lord in the heavens to please give me one night of undisturbed sleep. "Hey Logie, what were you thinking about earlier?" Kendall asked my quietly, running his fingers up and down my back.

"Kendall, I'm not sure if they completed the surgery before Daniel got into the room. I had absolutely not sense of time but they already cut you open and-"

"You mean I still have cancer?"

"I'm not sure, I wasn't thinking about that at all. Kendall, what if you do? I can't do this another time, I can't."

"Don't worry about it for now," He whispered to me, running his hand over my cheek. "We'll ask about it tomorrow and deal with it then. You should sleep a bit."

I nodded and hid my face in his chest. "I love you," I said quietly.

"I know, baby. I love you too."

It helped I was so tired and I could hear all my children breathing, but really I fell asleep because Kendall was there and he was holding me. He fell asleep before me and he started snoring quietly, there was honestly no better sound in the world.


	31. Chapter 31

"Bye, daddy," Kegan said as Logan hugged him and kissed his hair.

"I'll see you tomorrow after school, okay?" Logan said.

"At home?"

"Not yet, buddy. Papa and I have to stay here for a little while longer, but we'll all go home soon." He glanced at me, not sure about that himself but I nodded reassuringly while rubbing Kenzie's back.

"Okay," Kegan said sadly, slowly letting go of Logan.

"We'll call you and Keira tonight, I promise."

That made him smile a bit and Logan ran his fingers through his hair a last time before gently pushing him towards James. "Bye, Kegie."

"Bye daddy, bye papa!"

I waved at him and Keira and then James took them by their hands to take them home. It was so hard for them to go away again, after being juggled between houses and relatives for the last month they wanted to come home so bad. I really wanted to give them that, the safety and security to be home with their parents again, but I couldn't go home yet and Logan couldn't either. They had to wait a little bit longer.

Logan sat next to me in bed again and pulled the blanket aside a bit to look at Kenzie's face. "She's sleeping," He told me quietly.

I carefully gave her to Logan and he put her in the bassinet, then climbed back in bed with me. I wrapped my arms around him, wanting him close just as much as he wanted to be held. "I want to go home too," He whispered, hiding his face in the crook of my neck.

"We will," I promised him, pressing my lips against his hair. "But for now we'll just relax, okay? We didn't really get to do that yet."

"Okay," He whispered, snuggling close to me a bit. I rubbed his side and closed my eyes. This morning had been busy, doctors walking in and out, Katie who came over with breakfast, tests that had to be done, children that wanted attention, Logan who had to go with his doctor to be checked over, Kenzie needing feeding and diaper changes and I really wanted to let him calm down a bit before I talked to him.

"I love you," I whispered to him, pressing my lips to his hair.

Logan curled closer to me and grabbed onto my hand tightly. "You'll be okay, sweetie. I got you now."

I felt his tears drip on my shirt and felt relieved; I'd been wondering when he would break down. Two days ago everything had gone so fast and all he'd wanted from me was to know I stayed close to him. Yesterday and this morning were just so busy and there had been no time for this.

I pulled him closer and wrapped the blanket tighter around him. He wasn't shaking or sobbing, but the steady stream of tears dripping on my shirt was a clear indicator he was really upset. Of course he was, he had every reason to be. "Why are you crying, Logie?"

"I m-missed you and I'm s-s-scared you still h-have c-cancer and I'm so t-tired," Logan stuttered, hiding his face in the crook of my neck.

"Just a little while longer, baby," I told him gently. "Today we'll now how it went with the surgery. And you should have told me you were tired, Logie. You can sleep now."

He shook his head. "I missed you and I want to talk with you," He whispered.

"That's okay too, sweetie," I said softly, linking my hands together on his back. Tears were still making their way down Logan's cheeks and he clung to me tightly and suddenly I got the strangest feeling he'd already done that before. "Were you here at the hospital a lot?" I asked him, trying to keep my voice low and gentle so he wouldn't flinch away from any questions I asked him.

Logan only nodded.

So I pressed on, he wanted to talk after all and this was something we needed to talk about. I forced myself not to think yet of what James and Carlos told me yesterday, but eventually we would have to talk about even that. I suppressed a shiver and pulled him against me tighter. Later. "I vaguely remember this," I told him softly. "That you cuddled with me like this."

"You do?" He whispered, looking up at me.

I nodded, looking into his eyes. "I liked that."

Logan's eyes were wide as he stared at me. "R-really?"

"Yes, love. It made me feel better to know you were close. I've no idea where I was the past few months, but I was close enough to know you were almost always near me."

"I stayed with you on our anniversary," He whispered. "You told me you wanted to do something special so I p-put candles and flowers in y-your r-room."

"Logie," I murmured, placing my hand on his cheek and kissing him softly. "Thank you, sweetie. It means a lot to me you tried so hard."

Logan put his hand on my wrist to keep my hand against his cheek and closed his eyes. I kissed his forehead and gave him a few moments to calm himself. "How scared were you?"

He only had to open his eyes to tell me that, but I kept looking at him and slowly rubbing his side and it went away for the most part. "They s-said you would wake up in two w-weeks, b-but y-you didn't and then it turned into a month and then six weeks and you went i-into veg- veg-" That somehow really upset him, even though I had no idea what he was trying to say.

"Shh," I muttered. "It's alright, baby. I'm back here now, aren't I? You can tell me, Logie."

"The d-doctor h-had g-given you up," He stuttered, barely able to keep himself from crying again. "Y-You're chance t-to wake u-up was t-too small."

"Logan," I said softly. "I promised you I wouldn't leave you before we went to the hospital that day. I wasn't going anywhere. I am not going anywhere for a long time."

He hiccupped and put his face in the crook of my neck, hiding away from all that hurt. I pulled the blanket up to his neck and put my head on his, wanting him as close to me as he could be for now. "Don't worry, love. You're staying with me."

"But w-what if t-they never t-took y-your kidney out?"

"Then we'll ask them if they continued the Avastin treatment while I was in a coma, so hopefully it didn't spread, and then we'll plan another surgery in the coming week. They owe me that much for letting this happen in their hospital."

"I don't w-want this to happen a-again, I don't w-want t-to s-see you in a-another surgery I c-c-can't d-do that."

"Maybe I won't have to, sweetie," I said softly. "Just don't think about it yet, okay? We'll deal with that when it comes."

"Okay," He whispered, searching out my hand under the blanket.

"How about you go to sleep now, love? You're so tired."

"Will you hold me?"

"Of course I will," I murmured, closing my own eyes as well. "We'll sleep for a few hours and then see if any of those doctors know what will happen now. And maybe after that we can take a nice, long shower together."

He tensed up and I looked down worriedly, wondering why that would alert him. It didn't take me long to figure out; he hadn't told me about the cutting yet and he didn't want me to find out.

Logan relaxed slowly against me and closed his again, which I liked to see because he was so tired. I buried my nose in his hair and waited until he'd fallen asleep.

I hadn't taken time to do this yet, but the urge to do so was really big. I had to prepare myself before I would see the ones on his legs as well. Slowly I pulled the blanket down, not wanting him to wake up. James said they were on his left arm, right above the cast. The long sleeves on Logan's shirt prevented me from seeing them and I wondered how long he thought he could hide them from me.

The only reason I wasn't freaking out at the moment was because he was right here in my arms and looked relatively alright. It was so difficult not to tell him I knew yesterday, but Logan needed a peaceful day to calm down a bit and to see I wasn't going anywhere. Yesterday was for Logan, today I would get to ask my questions.

I put my hand on Logan's arm and he stirred, but didn't wake up. I only hesitated a moment, before slowly pulling his sleeve up to look at the cuts. I didn't know what to expect, had never seen anyone cut himself let alone with a razor blade. What I didn't expect was to see nothing. Nothing, until I focused on his light skin and saw countless of thin white line going neatly up from his elbow to his shoulder.

I swallowed heavily and gently ran my fingers over them, feeling the bumpy pattern everywhere. "Oh, Logie," I murmured. "Why did you do that to yourself?"

I pulled his sleeve back over his arm and covered him in the blanket. If his arm was that bad, what would his legs look like? My Logie had always been so beautiful and now he had even more scars; scars that could have easily been prevented.

I wondered how he would react when he found out I already knew of them, if it would make it easier for him to tell or harder. James and Carlos told me they told Logan they wouldn't tell anyone, but didn't think that included me. I agreed with them, since I was his husband and all, but Logan was not so open and honest and probably wouldn't like it at all.

I sighed, put my cheek on his head and closed my eyes. For now it was okay to forget it, later we would deal with it.

* * *

><p>When I woke up next Logan was no longer in my arms. I opened my eyes and scanned the room, hoping to find him with Kenzie in a chair, but he was nowhere around and it made me worry.<p>

It wasn't for long, he came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, walking slowly and holding his stomach. "Hey," He whispered when he came out. He climbed back next to me in bed, his back turned towards me. "Can you put your hands on my stomach?" He asked me quietly.

"Yes, of course," I said, once again worried as I pulled him against my chest and folded my hands over his belly.

"I think the pain killers wore off," Logan told me. "Giving birth was only a little bit worse than this is."

I kissed his neck and rubbed slowly with my thumb over his skin. Last time he gave birth the 'natural way' with Keira he went into a deep sleep and didn't wake up for a week. It was good for him, it helped him recover from his injuries and he slept through most of the pain. This pain was what he'd missed the last time.

Logan pulled my hands down a bit and whimpered softly, but then relaxed against me. "Compared to this even the C-section was better."

"Of course it was, -" I caught myself in time and closed my mouth, pressing another kiss to his neck. I'd wanted to tell him that the next time we would get a C-section again, but there wouldn't be a next time. Kenzie was our last, our last child that made our family complete. We were complete. "I can't believe you really did that, Logie. I would never have asked you to put yourself through that kind of pain and I'm so proud of you."

Logan squeezed my arm and snuggled into me more, which I loved. "Logie, can you tell me a little bit more of what happened the last few months?" I asked him quietly. "How did it happen that they stayed with my mother?"

I'd expected it when he froze and tightened his grip on my arm. "She was watching them the day of the surgery and then-" He paused and struggled, "And when I went home, s-she took them and I never got them b-back. I missed t-them."

I nodded and kissed his neck again. I couldn't believe my mother had actually done that. How could she take my children from Logan, right at the moment they needed him most? It wasn't fair, not to my children, not to Logan and not to me. "Did you go see them there?"

"Yes," He whispered. "They were mad at me because Kenzie could stay with me and they c-couldn't. But it w-wasn't my f-fault."

"I know, sweetie," I soothed. "They're just too young to see that and they missed you a lot. You did everything you could under the circumstances and I'm not holding it against you."

Logan made a tiny noise and turned around so he could himself under the blankets against me. "But when I w-was living w-with James and C-Carlos they s-stayed with me but t-t-then..." He trailed off and I once again felt tears wet my shirt. "T-then you went into v-vegetative s-state and I ignored t-them and t-they took t-them away again and then l-later K-Keira c-called and s-she cried and I felt s-so bad for hurting them, I-"

I shook my head and kissed his forehead. "Logie, I'm not mad at you," I told him softly. "None of what happened is your fault, you can't blame yourself."

Logan whimpered and he relaxed against me, giving up the fight with himself. I kissed his forehead, his temple and his cheeks, wondering if talking was such a good idea after all. Maybe I could postpone it a bit longer, wait until we were both home so I could start the therapy sessions when we were in a comfortable, familiar environment.

But before we would both be home weeks could've passed. I felt alright now, but I didn't know how much of that was caused by the shots of medicine I got this morning. I couldn't let him go home with all those pent up feelings, things that hurt him. We had to talk today. The sooner it was over the better.

I kissed his forehead and ran my fingers through his hair, glad he was at least physically alright. Well, alright was not the right word, since his arm was still in a cast, I could still feel the scars from the cutting and he had stitches where no man would want a needle close to, but he wasn't dangerously under fed or had a creepy, lethal illness like I had. He would be okay as long as I fixed his emotional problems and got it through his thick skull that I wouldn't leave him again.

"Why were you living with James and Carlos, love?" I asked him softly, hoping he would take the opportunity to tell me about the cutting himself.

Logan ignored the question though and simply hid his face again, curling into me tight. "You can tell me, Logie," I muttered. "I won't be mad at you."

He whimpered softly and I knew he didn't believe me, that he was scared enough to keep this part of the story a secret forever. "You were scared," I whispered to him, "You were afraid I wouldn't come back to you."

He nodded and grabbed onto my shirt, as if to make sure I couldn't get away. "You just wanted to forget the pain for a few minutes, I can't be mad at you for that."

"You already know?" He whispered, looking up at me with tears in his eyes.

I nodded and watched them trail down his cheeks. He looked down in shame and rolled away from me, about to get out of bed. "Where do you think you're going?" I asked him as I sat up and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm not letting you go anywhere when you're in this much pain, sweetie," I whispered to him and pulled him back against me.

That was when he broke down and collapsed against me, that tiny, vulnerable, little body of his slumping down in my arms. I pulled him in my lap and cradled him against me, my own tears threatening to spill. "James and Carlos told me yesterday when you were sleeping," I explained him while slowly rocking him. "They'd promised me to watch over you and they felt really guilty about letting this happen. It wasn't their fault though and it's not yours either."

I kissed his temple and ran my fingers over his side, wanting him to cry until everything was out. Nothing should stand between us anymore, if I wanted to give him a normal, happy life in our new house we should be one front again. "I'll never let you go, Logie. It's about time you start believing that."

"James also told me what happened the morning after he found out and how sorry he is for letting it happen."

Logan whimpered and pulled his legs up to his chest, his face pressed in the crook of my neck. "I'm not mad at you for that, baby. You just really wanted to have some closeness and James it the only person who would give you that. I wouldn't even be mad if something had happened, Logie. The past two days were enough to tell me you don't want anyone else and it had just been contact you were looking for."

Logan hiccupped and wrapped his arms around my neck to keep even closer while I rocked him and held him tight. This had to be done. "I've seen the ones on your arm, sweetie. They're already fading."

"I m-missed you so m-much it w-was the only w-way out," He whispered, clawing his nails in my skin.

I rested my cheek against his and rubbed his back, realizing more and more how it must have been back then. How hard it had been for my insecure, pregnant husband to go through it alone.

"Don't hesitate to talk to me, Logie," I told him quietly. "When Jett happened you didn't talk to me for weeks and you know how that went. Please tell me how you're feeling so we can work on it together, okay?"

He nodded and I pulled away a bit so I could look him in his eyes, see if he meant it and wanted to do as I asked him. His eyes were red and wet, but once I wiped the tears away I could see how relieved he was I wasn't mad at him.

I wouldn't let him know how I truly felt about this, which would only make him feel bad. It felt like he'd cut my skin up and thrown salt in the wound, making it burn. I failed to protect him from any more pain, though this time it was solely my own fault. I should have listened to him that morning two months ago and not have gone into surgery. None of this would've happened then.

I leaned in and kissed him softly, hoping he would forgive me for my stupid decision and be my sweet Logie once more. He kissed me back hesitantly, not entirely sure where this was coming from. I loved it though and framed his face to keep him close to me; this shouldn't end for quite some time.

We went on for a while and when I pulled away, Logan's cheeks were slightly red and he smiled at me shyly, which I loved. I kissed him again and then pulled him against my side where he curled up again. "Maybe you should go back to sleep for a while," I suggested when he closed his eyes for a moment. "The last few days were long, you can use some."

But Logan shook his head and put his head on my shoulder, closing his eyes for again and then sighing softly. I nuzzled his temple, hoping he felt at least a little bit better.

Just then the door opened and a nurse came in with our baby and a bottle. "Just awake with a clean diaper and hungry as horse," She told us as she gave Kendall to Logan. He was smiling at her and I was glad to see it.

She left again and Logan started feeding her, holding her close to him. Her brown hair had gotten darker and she was dressed in one of the onesies James and Carlos brought yesterday. I smiled when I saw it was the one that said 'Papa is the best', the one Logan picked out when we first went shopping for her.

"Kendall, she's so beautiful," Logan said softly.

"I know," I told him, placing my hand that wasn't on his middle on her belly. "I can't believe you did that."

"We did that," He corrected me, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. I smiled contentedly and happily watched my daughter drink, glad she wasn't refusing to take the bottle like yesterday.

When she finished Logan made her burp and then gave her to me, before leaning into my side again. "Hi baby," I cooed, turning her so her head was on my hands and her feet against my chest. "You and me should have a little talk, don't you think?"

I felt Logan smile and went on, "You can never, ever have a boyfriend, you hear me? And you'll never, ever leave daddy and me and always stay a sweet little baby. Deal?"

Kenzie moved her hands up to her face and started sucking on the left one, her little tongue darting out to touch her fingers. "Are you going to be a thumb sucker? I hope not, daddy and I better start saving up for braces then. Or are you going to be a pacifier baby? Your sister liked those a lot."

"Kegan hated it," Logan chuckled softly.

"Yeah, but he did like putting anything else in his mouth. Everything went in there."

Logan smiled and ran his fingers over her hair. "You think it will curl like, Keira's?"

"I hope so."

"What do you think, baby?" I asked Kenzie. "You want curly hair like your sister? Have it curl all around your head like angels have? You are an angel after all, a little baby we didn't dare to hope for anymore." Logan held onto my arm and watched her from my shoulder. "You're gonna make daddy and me really happy, Kenzie."

Logan nodded and I put my baby back on my arm so I could put my other around him again. "Those beautiful eyes," He whispered, "I still can't believe she has yours."

I smiled and kissed his cheek. "I've always given you wanted you want, I'm not making exceptions."

He turned his head so he could kiss me and then put his head back on my shoulder. "Thank you," He whispered. "For not giving up on me when I left you and for waking up from that coma and for her, for Kendall, for Keira and Kegan and not giving up on me when I'd already given up on myself."

I was sure my heart had just melted and formed a little puddle at the bottom of my stomach. I laid my head on his and closed my eyes, so very happy with my Logie. "I love you," I told him quietly.

"I love you too," He whispered. "But no more of that okay? I've had enough."

I knew exactly what he was referring to and agreed with him completely. "No more, love."

He nodded and I slowly laid down, my daughter on my chest and Logan against my side, his head on my shoulder. "Are we still going to move out of LA?" He asked me quietly.

"As long as you still want to."

"I do," He whispered.

"Than we will, sweetie. We can start looking for one now, if you want. We just need a laptop or tablet."

"Tomorrow," Logan told me.

I nodded, happy to keep lying here with half my family. I missed Keira and Kegan already. I was used to having them around my all day long and I didn't like this at all. For a while though, we would only be together with the five of us for short periods of time here in the hospital, until my doctor told me it was okay to go home.

"How are Keira and Kegan doing in school?" I asked Logan.

"Keira made friends," He told me quietly. "She's still really quiet in class but I think this time it had another cause then before." Keira was scared because I was in a coma, of course she was. "But sometimes those girls came to play with her at your mother's and she was really happy."

"That's amazing," I muttered, glancing down to see that Kenzie had fallen asleep, a few of her fingers still in her mouth.

"Kegan's in the top of his class," Logan said then and I turned to look at his face, see if he was joking. "I was really surprised too."

"So you're really not kidding?"

"No, he gets extra exercises and such because he is so far ahead of the others. Those glasses worked miracles on him."

"Huh. No shit."

Logan smiled a bit and I ran my fingers over his side. "I thought Keira was going to be the space scientist but I guess I was wrong."

"They proposed to put him in first grade, let him skip kindergarten. Your mother wanted to, but I said no. He's there with Lizzy and Ally having fun, he shouldn't be separated from his friends."

I nodded, agreeing with Logan that it was the right choice. Kegan was so young; he should be allowed to be a child a little longer. When he was older and he could make his own choices, then maybe. "It's incredible though. Like those glasses gave him a super brain."

Logan giggled and I kissed his forehead, so happy to hear that sound after the tears from earlier. "Keira has friends and Kegan is smart, I certainly missed a lot."

He nodded and curled into me more. "Oh! Logan, you have to show me the things she wrote for me!"

I felt bad for the frown I brought to his face, but I wanted to read what she wrote for me. I let go of him reluctantly and he went over to the table by the window, where a nurse put the stuff from my old room in. He took a bundle of paper out of it and then sat next to me again.

I sat up too and gave him Kenzie so I had my hands free to look through them. The first was a colorful piece of paper, butterflies and hearts in the corners and glittery lines all around it. It was obviously a child's handwriting and I couldn't believe my daughter could write now. It was just a small letter, clearly her first. 'Dear papa,' It said, 'I can write now. I am said you are not here. Wake up soon. Love, Keira.'

I smiled sadly and read it again, then put it aside and went onto the next. It was from Kegan, though obviously from before he got his extra exercises. I smiled because it was so typically Kegan. He'd written his name a few times and drawn a small brown haired and a tall blonde haired person at the bottom of the paper.

I got a few more partly finished drawings from Kegan and some beautiful ones from Keira, with elephants and stars and teddy bears. Round shapes that defined her drawings and were very characteristic for her. She wrote some more things; short letters about missing me and hoping I would get better.

Then came pictures. I wasn't expecting it so it came as a shock. All of them were taken in 2J, some of them on the couch, some of them at the table and on other various locations in the apartment. Kegan mentions them yesterday, that they'd taken pictures for me every day, but to suddenly see them was difficult.

They were in no particular order, but I could see exactly if the picture was taken early or later into my coma. Logan was smiling less every time, but his eyes had been without smile since the first picture. I put them aside and turned to Logan, who was looking at the now sleeping Kenzie and ignoring me. Or rather: ignoring the pictures. Of course those would hurt him.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him in my lap, where he should be now. Logan pressed his face in the crook of my neck and I rubbed his side to calm him down. "It'll not be like that again, Logie," I told him softly. "You'll not be alone again."

"I just don't want to think of it anymore," He whispered.

"That's okay, baby," I muttered. "Until you're ready to talk more."

Logan kissed my neck and curled into me. Kenzie whimpered and wiggled but didn't wake up. I ran my hand over his leg and cuddled him for a while, knowing it was what he needed. What he wanted most.

We were still sitting like that when Dr. Young came in. "Hello Logan, Kendall," He said formally, but I could see he was happy to see us. "How are you?"

"Okay," Logan answered. "Though a bit sore."

"That's to be expected. I can give you no more morphine, unfortunately that would slow down the recovery, but some ibuprofen would be fine. Now though, it's time to take the stitches out."

Logan nodded and gave Kenzie to me, then slid of the bed. I was reluctant to see him go but knew I had to. "Oh, Mr. Knight, before I forget, Dr. Green will be here in a few minutes to discuss your recovery."

"Okay." They left, Logan walked with a bit of difficulty. I looked down at Kenzie and placed my hand on her belly. "Daddy's just gone, but I already miss him, baby," I sighed and put her against my chest. "You should probably go lie in your bassinet but I'm not going to try walking for the first time while I'm holding you."

I made a circle of the blankets and placed her in it, placing a soft kiss to her forehead. "Now don't laugh at me, alright? By the time you're old enough to walk I'll be top fit again."

Cautiously I slid off the bed like Logan did and was shocked when my legs could hold me up. I took a step forward and had to grip onto the nightstand not to fall. I couldn't remember when I'd decided it was a good idea to try walking, but I know concluded that it was one of the worst ideas I ever had. The muscles over my whole body hurt like hell and my legs were trembling.

I kept going though, wanting to know exactly how much revaluation I would have to go through. Eventually I figured I wouldn't need as much as I originally thought. I could walk around the whole room while holding onto something and I even took the last steps back to the bed on my own. I had no idea how things were inside my body, but so far I wasn't doing as bad as I feared I would.

"Well, look at that!" Dr. Green said when he opened the door and watched me take my last few steps back to the bed. "Mr. Knight, you're recovering amazingly well."

"Thanks, I guess," I said as I sat back on the bed and checked Kenzie to see if she was still sleeping.

Next he started talking about a whole series of things that had to happen to make sure I would recover fully as fast as possible and I had to roll my eyes as most of those things were obvious and went without telling. I should eat healthy, keep moving, take my medicine and so on. "... and then after the last check up you'll be out of here. I would say in about five to six weeks."

"That long?" I asked surprised.

"Yes, unfortunately. We still have to make sure you have no brain damage from the air that came into your bloodstream and physiotherapy will be given here at the hospital."

That would mean Logan would be alone at home for five more weeks at least. Alone at home with three children, I couldn't do that to him! "Is there a chance I can go home earlier than that?"

"That's a small chance, Mr. Knight. We're very careful with coma patients, even with those who recover remarkably." He nodded at me seriously while stroking along his moustache. "Tomorrow morning we'll start the treatment. I'll see you again then."

"Yeah, sure- no, wait! I have a question!" I said quickly before he could leave.

"Yes?"

"The surgery on the day I went into a coma, how did that end?"

"Ah. Well, the surgeon had managed to take the infected kidney out and reconnected most of your arteries, but then that criminal came in and took over."

"But the kidney is out? I no longer have cancer?"

"Unless it spread or came back I wouldn't think so. Of course we're already testing for that, but it takes a while. I'll tell you what the research revealed tomorrow."

"Yes, thank you. And the radiotherapy? My doctor from before the surgery -I can't remember his name- said I would need that to make sure it was really gone."

"Ah, yes. I will talk to Dr. Robertson about your care and see who of us will continue treating you. It's not often I get to work together with the oncology and the gyneacology department on one patient. Though, Dr. Young may be more for your husband," He added thoughtfully. "See you later, Mr. Knight."

"Yeah, bye," I said slowly, watching him go. This was the kind of stereotype doctor children saw in TV shows, a man with his mind all over the place.

I looked down at Kenzie and put her foot back in her sock. "You keep losing your clothes, silly baby. You'll get cold that way."

She wrinkled her nose and opened her eyes, looking around for the source of all the noise. "Here we go," I muttered as I picked her up and held her against my chest. "You're the tiniest baby I've ever seen," I whispered to her. "Except maybe Kegan, but he's not a baby anymore so that doesn't count."

"And you look so much like daddy. You're just as beautiful and when you're older I'll hire a bodyguard for you. Yes, I will. I have to keep the creepy boyfriends away, don't I? You're going to stay with daddy and me forever."

Kenzie just wiggled and whimpered softly at my words. "You're a wiggly little baby," I told her. "You're not ever going to sit still, are you? As long as you're not going to cause any trouble I'm okay with it."

I looked up and saw Logan standing by the door, watching me. "Hey, how long have you been standing there?"

"Since you told her how much she looks like me," He answered, smiling at me a bit.

I smiled at him too and made place for him next to me, having missed him for the time he was gone. "How did it go?" I asked him when I had him safely back in my arms and Kenzie was in his arms.

"The stitches are out but it started bleeding, so he bandaged it all up and told me not to eat solid food for a while." Kenzie was sucking on Logan's pink and he was watching her happily, not too worried with that. I would have to keep an extra close watch on him, James and Carlos had told me how difficult it was to get him to eat the past few months and I didn't need a repeat of last April.

"I got news too," I told him, placing my chin on his shoulder.

"What is it?"

"The took my kidney out. I don't have cancer anymore," I told him, watching Kendall over his shoulder.

It was quiet for a long time and then Logan asked me, "Really?"

"Yes, Logie."

He went out of bed and put Kenzie in the bassinet, then he rushed back to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. "Kendall," He whimpered.

"Hey, it's okay," I murmured. "I told you it would be okay. No more worries, love."

Logan trembled and I laid down, holding him tight to me. "One thing less to worry about, baby. I'm going to be fine, I could even walk a few minutes ago!"

He shifted until his head was next to mine on the pillow and I could look in his eyes. They were wet and red, but the tears were happy ones and I ran my fingers over his cheek, allowing him to get this out of his system. "You should trust me more," I told him teasingly, "I told you I would be fine two months ago."

"S-shut up," He whispered, new big tears making their way down his cheeks. "Y-You're an asshole f-for scaring m-me like that if y-you kn-knew you'd b-be fine."

I smiled a bit and kissed him softly. "I'm not leaving you again, sweetie. I promise."

"You better," He mumbled and then tucked his head under my chin. I pulled the blankets up over him and closed my eyes, really happy in that moment. This was how it was supposed to be all along.


	32. Chapter 32

**Oh my goodness, you didn't have to wait a whole year for another update! Let's call it a Christmas miracle.**

* * *

><p>I woke up by my ringing and vibrating pillow and it took me a while to realize it was actually my phone I put under there when I went to sleep. Quickly I grabbed the thing and answered the caller. "Hey, Logie," I said, knowing it couldn't be anyone else.<p>

"Hi," He whispered.

I looked at my alarm and noticed it was three thirty in the morning, way later than he usually called. "Can't sleep, huh?"

"I slept for a little while, but then Kenzie woke up and now I can't again."

"Did you feed her already? It's no point trying to sleep now if you have to wake up in an hour."

"No, I'm making a bottle now, but I wanted to hear your voice."

Immediately I felt bad again. Logan hated being on his own and now he had to again. It wasn't fair to him, but we ad no other choice. He got fired from the hospital week ago and from that day on he'd been alone at home taking care of our three children. At this point we were only thinking of what was best for them now, because neither Logan no I liked this situation. Not at all. "Logie, you don't have to wait this long to call me."

"You need to sleep so you get better and you come home sooner," Logan answered quietly. I heard this line a lot the past week and by now I knew it was something he told himself just to keep going a little bit longer. "If you call me at ten at night or three in the morning is not going to make a difference, sweetie," I told him gently. "The time after you brought Keira and Kegan to bed we spend texting anyway."

"Okay," He whispered.

"You have to think about yourself as well, Logie. It's not humanely possible to go on like you do now."

It was true. Logan gave birth ten days ago and he'd been on his feet since six days, taking car of our children on his own, one of them a very fussy baby who did not settle easily. He barely slept because he was up all night tending to her every need and when she did calm down he was too upset to go to sleep. Logan spent a lot of time working up the courage to finally call me, or waiting until the desperation was so big it couldn't be ignored anymore.

We usually talked for about half an hour to an hour, the last ten minutes was just me talking so he could close his eyes and try to fall asleep. In the mornings he helped the kids get ready and made them breakfast, then brought them and Lizzy and Ally to school. This was always a tricky event, because some days Ally didn't feel well enough to go to school and then Logan had to drive her back home before coming to the hospital.

When he got here, we talked for a little bit which almost always led to tears op pure exhaustion and misery before he finally allowed himself to sleep. Logan didn't want to sleep, he wanted to catch up on two months of time he missed with me, but this whole situation was getting in the way.

He slept through two of Kenzie's feedings, which gave me some time to get to know my newborn. Logan would wake up again around two, only giving us about an hour alone time together before James would drop our children off here so they could see me. They stayed until five, talking about what they learned in school while helping them with their homework.

And then I was alone again, while Logan would have to get them dinner –James and Carlos made extra every night so Logan wouldn't have to cook- and go through the bed n ight routine, something that had never been easy. It was one big battle from bath time to pajamas and from tooth brushing to which book to read. It was a two-person job and right now Logan barely counted for more than half a person.

Besides the exhaustion and the desire to spend time with me that was almost big enough to make him stop functioning, Logan gave birth only a little while ago and his body wasn't supposed to do that. He had all of these hormones that were returning to normal and the rest of his body that was only slowly recovering. Then there was the incision the doctor made to help Kenzie come out that wasn't healing like it should. Because Logan was getting barely any rest it couldn't close and the longer it took the more chance it had to get infected. And then he would be back in the hospital with me.

"I know," Logan whispered, "But I have to."

We had only one other option besides going on like we did now and we really didn't want to take that road. After all they did for Logan the past few months –and what they were still doing for him- I didn't feel comfortable asking James and Carlos for any more help, even though they would probably be willing if we asked them. No, the two of them had done enough and it was now time for them to enjoy their lives with the twins. Katie and Dak were both very busy with their careers and left little Kevin with a nanny during the day, they couldn't help us out either. We had more, friends, but we didn't want to ask something this big from people we only saw once or twice a year. We could hire someone to help out, but I didn't want someone I didn't know staying with my family while I wasn't there. It didn't feel safe.

That left my mother. She was the only person who had no other responsibilities and she owed me a huge deal for making the past months even harder on Logan and my children than they would have been if they had been together. I hadn't spoken to her since the first day after I woke up and I honestly was stilly too angry to do so. Asking her for help meant admitting defeat and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Not until I absolutely had no other choice. And I was beginning to think that would be sooner than I thought before.

"We'll talk about that when you get here in the morning, okay? Maybe we can think of something to get us a bit more time."

"Can I stay the night?"

I bit my lip and tried to think of a response that would make him happy while also not exactly confirming that he could stay. I really wanted him to stay though. I missed Logan a lot even though I tried to stay strong and not show it. A night with him sounded amazing and was something I really wanted and would be so good to him. "Maybe, love," I mumbled eventually, when nothing better came to mind.

I got no response and I knew Logan was either having a hard time keeping it together or he was already in tears and didn't want to let me know. "We will soon enough, baby. Next week James and Carlos are taking the kids to that new Christmas movie, you van stay with me then. I'll ask them to make a sleep-over out of it."

"I don't want to be alone for another week," He whispered into the phone and I could just picture his sad face in my mind now.

"I know, Logie. I know."

And then we were both silent and thinking about our situation. I heard a click from the water boiler and Logan pouring water in a bottle for our baby. "What story did you read Keira and Kegan?" I asked just to break the silence.

"Something about a baby bear that lost his mother."

"Did they go to sleep after that?"

"I stayed with Kegan in his bed until he fell asleep."

"He'll be okay soon too, Logie. It has always been hard to get him used to new situations. Keira is easier, more go-with-the-flow like."

"Probably," He answered quietly. "I've to get Kenzie, don't hang up."

"Never, Logie."

I heard a rustle and then a baby whimpering. I hoped she would accept this bottle without much problems. Two days ago she kept rejecting it and Logan gave up after half an hour of trying, but then an hour later she started crying and didn't stop until she was fed. It kept Logan up till five in the morning and he looked like a zombie when he finally got here. That had been one of his worst days.

"She's drinking," Logan told me softly and I sighed in relieve.

"That's great, Logie. Let's hope she goes to sleep just as easily."

"I'll let her sleep next to me."

"Don't do that, sweetie. Then you'll never get to sleep tonight."

"I don't want to," He answered stubbornly.

"You have to. Logie, you can't keep going like this, it's getting too much. We're going to call that doctor of yours when you get here tomorrow, maybe he can get you something to help you sleep."

"I can't sleep without you."

"You can, baby. You just need a little more help."

"I n-need you."

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to forget hearing those words, because it made me want to fly out the window straight back home to hold my baby and make him happy again. "I'm right here, sweetie. Maybe if you talked a little bit you will feel better."

"I want y-you to come home and cuddle with m-me so I don't feel s-so cold."

"We can do something about that," I said softly.

"I p-put on your s-shirt f-f-from yesterday, but it doesn't s-smell like you anymore."

"I wore plenty shirts the past few days, you can pick another one from the bag. Tomorrow I'll give you the shirt I slept it, maybe that'll help too."

"Okay," Logan whispered.

"How is Kenzie doing?"

"Just done."

"Burp her and put her down, baby. If she's been fussing for a while she's going to be tired now."

I heard rustling again and then silence as Logan tended to our baby. It took only a few minutes until he picked up the phone again. "Is she asleep?"

"Going to," He said quietly.

"Go drink some water, sweetie. We don't want you drying out and it'll settle your stomach a bit."

"O-Okay."

"And when you're done you take that green shirt I work Wednesday from the hamper and put that on." It was the only shirt I could remember that had long sleeves. Logan said he didn't want to be cold anymore, hopefully that would help a bit. "Got it?"

"Yes."

"Then get the blanket I always wrap you in on cold nights, baby. It's in our closet." I waited until I heard no more rustling. "Get back in bed now, okay? You can still sleep for three hours."

"You've t-to keep talking to m-me."

"I will, I'm not going away. Are you lying? You should curl up a bit, you love to be curled up when it's cold."

"We've to go see s-snow, Kendall."

"Alright, we'll do that. Where did that come from?"

"Kegan asked if we could go see snow when you woke up, we've to go now."

I chuckled softly. "That will be a fun little trip." Neither of my children had ever seen snow, it would be a new experience for them they would love.

"What if they don't like it?"

"Logie, they're our children. They're gonna love snow."

"That is true."

"We'll plan something in February, by then we'll both be better and there's still plenty of snow in Minnesota."

"Okay," Logan said and I heard a tiny bit of excitement, hidden behind the exhaustion and sadness.

"We could rent one of those cabins in the woods, build snowmen all day and then go inside to drink hot chocolate and eat fresh cookies. And we'll build a fire and grill marshmallows above it and at night, when the kids are asleep, we'll cuddle on a blanket in front of it."

"Like when Mrs. Diamond took us and it was so cold we all slept in front of the fire and I woke up with your arm around me?"

"That was one of the first times I realized I liked you more than I should."

"It was a really good night sleep," Logan said softly. "It's always good when it's with you."

I closed my eyes and forced myself not to think of it any longer. "Just a few hours, sweetheart," I soothed. "Try to sleep for me?"

Logan didn't answer and I knew he would try and that he wanted to sleep, but he was sure he couldn't without me.

"Are you getting warmer, love?"

"Yes."

"Then close your eyes, okay? I'll tell you a story." I did most nights, it was the perfect way to get Logan to lie down and be quiet so he could fall asleep. "What do you want to hear about?"

"From when we got married and we danced together."

Logan always asked for a story where I would have to tell him how much I loved him and it only made it clearer how much he wanted to feel loved again. The little thing spent two months alone and all he really wanted now was to have an arm around him when he fell asleep. Just a bit of security so he knew that eventually, everything would be back to normal.

"Okay, baby," I said softly. "Close your eyes."

"Kendall?" Logan whispered.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Logie."

And the next fifteen minutes I explained to Logan how happy I was the day we got married. Finally I could call him mine, show everyone he belonged with me and dancing was the ultimate way to do that because I got to hold him while everyone watched. I had never been more proud in my life, that I'd been the one he chose, that I would get to spend the rest of my life with the person I couldn't live without and that he wanted the same. "You're the most beautiful, amazing person I ever met and I got to look in your eyes during that dance and many more after that. I wouldn't have wanted anything more. I still want nothing more than that."

I paused and listened to Logan's soft, even breathing for a while. He'd fallen asleep a few minutes ago, but I didn't want to hang up yet because it would mean I couldn't hear him anymore. I worried about him when he wasn't here; listening to his breathing secured me he was alive at least.

I wanted to have him here tomorrow night. How could I deny him that when I wanted it just as much? I would have to find a way, beg James to take the children for a night. Logan needed to have a night in my arms.

It was easier to fall asleep with that on my mind. Tomorrow I would get to sleep with my Logie again.

* * *

><p>At eight fifteen I was anxiously waiting for Logan to get here. I got a message at seven forty five saying he left to bring the children to school and I was only an eight minute drive from there to the hospital. He should have been here three minutes ago.<p>

He'd woken up at six, which meant he only got two hours of sleep. The first text I got was him telling me Kenzie refused the bottle again and she didn't stop crying while Logan helped Keira and Kegan get ready for school. He'd tried again while they ate breakfast, but she didn't accept any of it. I hoped she wouldn't keep this up, the last thing we needed now was a baby refusing to eat.

I also meant that when he got here we couldn't go straight back to sleep, but we would first have to deal with her situation. That would really frustrate Logan, who had been looking forward to being held for sixteen hours.

Oh, how I wanted him near me now.

Breakfast today was nothing special, but I did get a chocolate pudding and I saved it for Logan, knowing he much he used to like those. He didn't eat this morning because he was trying to feed Kenzie, but I wanted to get something in his system before he went to sleep.

This morning I got my first therapy of the day, which consisted of me trying to walk straight. I could walk and stand for several minutes now, but I was only slowly getting better. I was trying my hardest though, the sooner I recovered the sooner I could go home. Tonight I would have another session, with another therapist. I had to do a lot to get my appointments scheduled like this, but now I got to spend all my time with Logan when he was here.

The door opened and Logan struggled to get the stroller through the opening, one of the wheels got caught. I got out of bed and pulled it free so he could get inside. He let go of the stroller as soon as the door closed and buried his face in my chest, hiding for everything else that was going on. "Hi, sweetie," I whispered, gently wrapping him in my arms.

"Hey."

I pressed my lips against his hair, taking in his scent and feel his warmth. "Come, baby." I kept my arm around his waist as I guided him to the bed and made him sit on it. He got in and I pulled the blanket over him, then gave him the pudding. "Please, eat it for me?"

Logan nodded and leaned back against the pillows and he looked so small, just sitting there. I forced myself to turn away from him to get Kenzie, fi I sat next to him now I wouldn't be able to pull away for several hours.

My baby girl was awake and wriggling in her blanket. She looked very uncomfortable. I grabbed a bottle from the bag and picked her up, thenat with her in the chair next to the bed. "Come, baby girl, you need to eat so daddy can sleep for a few hours," I murmured to her before presenting the bottle. "I know you're hungry, this is really good stuff, I know you want it."

Thankfully she immediately latched on and drank eagerly, it would only be a few minutes before I could put her to sleep and get in bed with my Logie to soothe him to sleep. He was taking small bites of the pudding and I was glad to see him eat. Even though he'd just been pregnant he looked tiny and vulnerable. Logan glanced at me for a moment, but quickly returned his attention to his pudding again. He knew I would be there as soon as possible, but he wished I would come hold him now.

Kenzie was hungry though and she finished quickly. I burped and swaddled her, before putting her back in the stroller so she could sleep. I pushed it closer to the bed so we could keep an eye on her. Logan handed me the half-finished pudding and I threw it away, before finally climbing in bed next to my love.

Logan pressed against my side and put his head on my chest, curling into me as much as he could. I put my cheek on his head and closed my eyes, my complete attention on the little person in my arms. "I missed you," I mumbled, trailing my fingers over his arms.

He just nodded and kept silent, but I felt him slowly getting warmer. It wouldn't be long before he drifted off. I put my other arm around him too and started humming, deciding to speed up the process. He needed the sleep.

I caressed his arm and hummed to him for quite some time, never pausing because that would ruin the process. I only stopped when the hand on my chest got slack and I felt no more tension in his body. The whole day he had to take care of people, but he didn't have to when he was with me. I would take care of him with kisses, cuddles and sweet words.

"I love you, baby," I murmured to him when he stirred and made a tiny sound I always associated with him wanting to get closer. "Don't worry, you can stay with me."

I let my head sink back into the pillow and closed my eyes. This was really good. Just Logan and my newborn here with me, both of them sleeping peacefully. I could rest now too, catch up on my missed hours. "Sleep tight," I whispered, then drifted off myself.

* * *

><p>At one I was sitting with Kenzie next to the bed again, rocking her so she would fall back asleep. She was perfectly content just lying awake though, but she started wailing as soon as I tried to put her down. I was stuck holding her while watching Logan, who was still asleep.<p>

He'd been out like a light for five hours, only waking up once when I slipped out of bed to feed Kenzie. I got him to sleep again by stroking his hair and singing quietly while feeding our baby.

Now he was looking better, the bags under his eyes were smaller and he had some color on his cheeks. The worst thing wasn't over though, he would ask me again if he could stay here tonight and I wasn't sure if I could get that to happen. I could ask James...

"I'll find a way, baby," I muttered to Kenzie. "Daddy has to have a good nights sleep, so he can be better."

Kenzie whimpered and stretched her little arms, getting herself out of the blanket. She did that a lot, trying to break free. "You've only been in this world for ten days, little one, but you're already a little monster."

That wasn't true, she was actually doing really well besides refusing to eat. She cried when she needed something and slept through much of the noise Keira and Kegan made. Kenzie was a perfectly happy little baby and I felt bad I wasn't able to enjoy her that much yet. With everything that was going on she wasn't a priority, Logan, Keira and Kegan went before her because they had actually been aware of what was happening the past two months. It was why I was glad to have these little moments with her, to hold her and look at her.

"Daddy loves you a lot too, baby. But he doesn't get to spend much time with me anymore, which is why he isn't holding you as much as before. I know you still need cuddles though and I'll try to make up for the ones you don't get from him now. He'll be fine again though, and then he'll be cuddling you again."

I turned her so her head was on my shoulder and her little body against my chest, running my fingers over her back. I'd forgotten how small babies were in the first few months. That they didn't do much else than sleep, eat, poop and stare around all day, but still managed to need so much attention from you. "But we don't mind, we've wanted you for almost four years now, you're so welcome."

I kissed her little head and glanced at Logan. He looked very uncomfortable now, he was frowning and little drops of sweat were forming on his forehead. I got up and put Kenzie down, who had thankfully drifted off to sleep again, and sat in bed again next to Logan. I pulled his head in my lap and started running my fingers through his hair. "It's okay, Logie. I'm here, you're alright."

Logan shivered and I pulled the blanket up over his shoulders, hoping to get him to sleep a bit longer. He needed every little minute of it. This wasn't even all that strange, he often got distressed while asleep and sometimes it helped when I got back to him and soothed him. Today was no such day though, I saw when Logan opened his eyes and immediately grabbed onto my leg. "Kendall?"

"Right here, sweetie," I said softly, placing my hand on his arm. Logan looked up and quickly sat up, curling into my side. I wrapped my arms around him in a hug and kissed his forehead, holding him close. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay," He answered quietly, but made no move to get away from me.

"That's good," I murmured, "Come lie with me." I leaned back against the pillow and let Logan tuck his head under my chin. "Better?"

He nodded and grabbed onto my hand, staying quiet while I trailed my fingers over his back. In a while he would want to talk again, but now he was comfortable just lying here, slowly waking up.

"I fed Kenzie twice and she struggled a bit the second time, but eventually she took it. That's better than yesterday."

Yesterday Kenzie refused her second and fourth bottle while here, while she should by now be gaining the weight she lost in the first few days after being born. "We've to try to give her more in one feeding if she isn't going to finish all of it," Logan said quietly.

"Then maybe it's a better idea if you just pack the powder and bottles and cook water here instead of taking full bottles with you."

"Yes."

"I'm sure she'll be fine though, she just has to get used to the schedule."

Logan nodded and moved up a bit to glance in the stroller. "I just fed and changed her, she'll be asleep for another hour at least."

He put his head back on my shoulder and closed his eyes. I laid my cheek against his head and closed my eyes as well, enjoying every little moment of contact I had with him. "Can I stay with you tonight?" He whispered.

I bit my lip, wondering if I could get away with saying yes without knowing if there was anyone who could watch my children. I would love it to have him here, get some food, take a shower and get a good nights sleep. "Logie, I can't- maybe, I'll..."

"B-But I n-need you."

"I know," I said quietly, pulling him against me tighter. "I'm afraid we can't yet, love."

Logan pressed his face in the crook of my neck and grabbed onto my shirt, as if showing he wasn't ever letting go. "I'm sorry."

I felt his tears drip on my skin and got a lump in my throat knowing how much it hurt him to have to keep going every day while being denied what he wanted most. "It's just a few more days until you can, sweetie. You can do it, you did wonderfully the past few days and tomorrow it's Saturday and you can spend the whole days here from breakfast to dinner and again on Sunday."

"Children w-will be h-here, can't s-sleep with y-y-you." I'd forgotten about that, it wouldn't just be Logan here, but all my children as well. And probably James and Carlos and their bunch at some point. It wouldn't be a good day for Logan at all, he would never get to be alone with me or catch up on the sleep he would miss tonight.

"It'll be okay, Logie. I promise. It's only gonna be a few more days, next week you can stay with me."

"I c-can't d-do this a-anymore. It h-hurts."

I pressed my lips against his forehead, not knowing what else to do anymore. I couldn't do much while I was still in here and apparently not even make sure the love of my life was happy. "What hurts, baby?"

"My s-stomach and I m-miss you and my head because I can't sleep, but I've to go o-on b-b-because everyone n-needs me."

"Oh, Logie," I murmured, "Lie on your other side." He did and I pressed against his back, slipping my hands under his short to fold them over his stomach. It used to help when he had cramps, something warm to sooth the pain. "When you fell asleep I called your doctor, he was fully booked today, but he would stop by in his break. He'll probably give you something for the sleeping thing."

"I don't w-want it," He uttered stubbornly. "I want you."

I kissed his neck and didn't answer. I had done a lot of not answering today. "You need it, baby. It'll help you."

Logan put his hand on my arm and squeezed softly, surrendering. He knew he couldn't win so he gave up. "How about we talk about that snow trip for a bit, hmm? I was thinking we could go for a week, not too long. And we could bake warm brownies and drink lots of warm cider by the fire. And we'll bring the chutes and ladders game, Kegan loves that."

"I want to h-hear about you and m-me."

"How we'll be cuddling in front of the fire until you fall asleep and I've to carry you to bed?"

Logan nodded and turned around, hiding his face in my chest. "And every morning we'll wake up together and bake pancakes for our kids, because they deserve the treat. And I'll sneak little bites from my pancakes to you because you like the ones from my plate better, then while I clean the kitchen you get the children in snowsuits and we'll take a hike through the woods in the snow, not too long, but long enough to wear the kids out enough to take a nap in the afternoon, so we can have a little bit of alone time to talk or just to snuggle."

I kissed his hair, staring over his head at the wall. "We'll eat wintery foods and play games before bringing the children to bed and doing more of that snuggling."

"Kendall, can we go away together too? Like San Diego, but then better."

"Sure," I told him, wanting a do over of that weekend myself. It should have gone different, Logan put a lot of work in keeping it a secret from me and I pretty much ruined it. "Where would you wanna go?"

"Somewhere with snow too, so we can do all those things you said without kids." Logan wanted it to be like old times for a while, when the two of us played video games in my bedroom every day after we did homework. Or how we skated on the pond near school with James and Carlos until it got too dark.

"I'll make that happen, baby."

Logan nodded and put his ear over my heart. I stopped talking figuring it was time to just lie here and cuddle. Keira and Kegan would be here in an hour, on fridays they were out of school earlier. I wondered if they would be okay staying with James and Carlos for a night, or if they would throw a fit. Keira and Kegan were behaving incredibly well, but they had their limits too.

"What do you want for your birthday, Logie?"

"That you're home," He whispered.

I counted quickly and realized I could actually make that happen. The doctor said four weeks, I told Logan it would be five. If everything went according to plan I could actually be there for his birthday. "I'm not sure if they'll let me go by then, but I'll try my hardest."

Logan put his chin on my chest to look in my eyes. "I-If you can, I w-want to be a-alone with you."

I nodded, placing my hand on his cheek. I stroked the skin under his eye with my thumb, watching his eyes close. "The first day I get home it'll be just the two of us, love. I promise."

Logan put his head on my shoulder and pressed his lips against my neck. "And then we'll watch the animal show on TV?"

I smiled and kissed his temple. "We will, sweetie. What more do you want to do that day?"

"Eat pancakes," He said quietly. "And cook together. Kendall, can we make curry then?"

"Of course," I told him, running my fingers over his back. "What about a bath?"

"Together?"

"You're not going anywhere without me once I get home," I said, turning my head to see his eyes again.

"I want the bed to smell like you again."

"We'll work on that too, sweetie."

"But as long as you're there I don't really mind what we do," Logan whispered, placing his face next to mine on the pillow so that our noses were touching.

"That can be arranged," I murmured, running my fingers over his jaw. Logan closed his eyes and put his hand on my arm. "No other wishes for your birthday?"

"A new house," He muttered, "But we're not really in a hurry for that."

"We'll keep searching for the perfect house, but we're not going to settle for anything less than perfect."

"I dreamed of a little room with lots of green, with little lights and pictures of us. I want that for our room, Kendall. Just a little room with a bed and two nightstand and you in it."

"That sounds amazing, Logie," I whispered, "How about we make it a children free room? Keep it just for us."

Logan nodded eagerly, staring in my eyes. "Just us?"

"Just for us, love." I trailed my fingers down his face to his neck. "Just us."

He came closer, put his forehead against mine. "Can we have a small bed?"

"What's wrong with the size we have now?"

"There's too much space, if it's small you can't get too far away from me."

I closed my eyes and pulled him closer to me. "We'll get the smallest best you want, baby. As long as we both fit in it comfortably."

Logan nodded and I opened my eyes to look in his. "Now we have something to look for again, Logie. It'll make searching easier."

He smiled at me and for the first time today I felt a little bit happier, because I could see what I needed to do to make him happy once I got home. I couldn't do much now except for holding on and pushing Logan to do so as well, but I would really make work of it when I was out of here.

I leaned in and kissed him softly, our first today, I realized. Logan put his hand on my cheek and kissed me back, just soft brushes of our lips together. He wasn't thinking of having to go home right now and I wanted to make that last for as long as possible. I pulled away for a moment, looking into my baby's lovely eyes. Logan wanted more kisses though, his lips were back on mine almost as soon as I pulled away.

So I surrendered and kept him close to me as we were lip locked. We didn't get to do this often, the last time I got him to forget what was going on was three days ago, after telling him Katie would take the children out for dinner -happy meals- so he could stay with me until after dinner. That made him happy.

The door opened and Logan attached himself to my neck, hiding away from the person coming in. "Hi, Logan, Kendall," Dr. Young said. "How are you?"

"I'm as good as can be expected, thank you," I answered, as I sat up and pryed Logan's arms from me. "Logan isn't though."

"Is it the incision? Because two days ago it looked fine."

"It's still open, but it doesn't hurt anymore," Logan told him. I had a hard time believing that, if the incision didn't hurt anymore he would start eating normally again and at the moment he was only taking soft foods.

"It really should have been closed by now," The doctor said worriedly. "Perhaps it's better if you come with me for a few minutes so I can check it out."

Logan turned to me, asking me to not let him go with him. I gently pushed him away from me, towards the edge. "Logan doesn't sleep at night because of everything that is going on and he's not getting enough rest, maybe that has something to do with it."

Dr. Young nodded. "Probably, I'll get you something for that as well. It'll only be ten minutes, Logan, then you'll be back here."

Logan gave me a desperate look and I put my hand on his cheek to pull him closer for a moment and give him a kiss. "Go on, baby. We'll cuddle some more when you get back here."

He bit his lip and slid off the bed, walking out of the room without another look at me.

It was just a tiny betrayal, as soon as he got back Logan would come cuddle with me again. This was for his own good, he just didn't realize that. Like always.

I was still thinking about that when the door opened again and Carlos came in. "Hey buddy," He said cheerily.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I can even visit my best friend in the hospital?"

"Sure you can, but I thought you were doing that tomorrow."

"We are, but James and I came up with a little plan we wanted to give you a little heads up about before he gets here with the bunch. Where's Logan?"

"With his doctor, he'll be back soon. Sup?"

"James and I are taking the girls to an indoor playground tonight, because Ally got the first star on her homework. We figured to take Keira and Kegan to make it more of a party and then I had the brilliant idea to make it a sleep over. Logan is wrecked, Kendall. We're not blind. You can just ask us if we want to babysit for a night so he can stay here, we understand."

I stared at him, all my problems had just been solved. "Thank you."

"It's really no problem. We'll bring them here tomorrow, James and I have to go grocery shoppig, but after that we'll spend a fun day here with you lot."

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Carlos. Really."

"Don't worry about it. We didn't get you anything for your birthday, consider this babysitting service your present."

I chuckled. "I will."

"Not every day though, we would like a little heads up about the nights Logan wants to stay here."

"Yes, of course. I'll talk to him about it and see if we can come up with a good schedule, one that doesn't interfere with Keira's and Kegan's too much."

"Alright. Don't hesitate, okay? I can't James to shut up about how guilty he still feels."

"Tell him that he made up for it plenty and he doesn't need to worry about it."

"I'll try, but he doesn't really listen to either of us." Carlos sighed, "He'll get over it. It isn't even all bad, you know how much attention I get nowadays?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "I really don't want to know either."

He shrugged. "Your loss. I was thinking we could spend Thanks Giving here, we could prepare a turkey at home and bring some fries and nuggets for the kids, everybody happy."

"That actually sounds awesome."

"Cool. I take it I should not invite your mother or Katie?"

"No, that would not be a good idea," I sighed. "I don't want to see mom and Katie only came to see me once since I woke up, so she either doesn't care all that much or she is siding with my mother."

"Katie cares, Kendall. You know she does, but she too feels guilty for doing this to Logan and I guess she doesn't want to face you yet. You're kinda scary sometimes, even when you're supposed to be sick and weak."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Okay. But still, just us nine would probably be better anyway."

"True. We'll just do that. Do you want us to take Kenzie tonight as well? Because we could."

"I'll ask Logan, but I think he wants her here. And she isn't eating well, I don't want to bother you with that struggle every few hours."

"We can handle it for a night, but it's up to you." He got up. "I'm gonna get James and the kids, they were looking at some clown downstairs."

"Okay."

Carlos waved at me and walked to the door, opening it just when Logan wanted to get in. "Hey Logan, I'm gonna get Keira and Kegan. See you in a minute."

He left and Logan rushed back to the bed, climbing in next to me again. "How did it go?" I asked him softly, wrapping him in my arms.

"I got these." Logan showed me the two little boxes he was holding. "And he put a different kind of bandage over it."

"It'll help you, Logie. If you don't get more rest that cut will never close." I pressed my lips against his hair, always loving it when the little thing got back to me after being away. "Don't worry about it for now though, you get to stay with me tonight."

Logan turned his head to look at me. "Really?"

I nodded and smiled when I saw how relieved he was. "Carlos just gave me a little heads up. They're taking all kids to an indoor playground and a pizza place and after that they'll have a sleep-over. He even offered to take Kenzie, but I told him that it up to you."

"She has to stay here, Kendall," Logan said quietly, sitting up slightly to wrap his arms around my neck. "I'm really glad."

"Me too," I mumbled, rubbing his back. He wouldn't have to go today, tonight I could hold him as we slept. "We'll spend a little time with Keira and Kegan and then we'll have a whole night together, we'll take a shower and we'll eat something and maybe we'll look through houses for a little while, but after that we'll just sleep."

Logan buried his face in the crook of my neck and I could feel how much more relaxed he already was. He wouldn't have too dread the night today, he wouldn't have to be alone. He could stay here in my arms tonight. "I love you," I murmured and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you too," Logan whispered back and pulled away to look in my eyes. "You can never ever leave me again."

"I won't, sweetie, I'm staying right here with you."

"Promise?"

I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled him in for a kiss. "I promise."


	33. Chapter 33

**This is me procrastinating studying for my finals. I'm soooo gonna fail.**

* * *

><p>I sat in our bed at home at three in the morning, trying to get Kenzie to drink the bottle. She wasn't having it though and I feared this would be another one of her bad days. "Come on, baby. You skipped the midnight feeding as well, you really need this one so you can gain some weight."<p>

By now she should have gained the weight she lost after her birth, but she was staying constant. At least that meant she wasn't losing any weight, which was good, but she should be growing by now, building an immune system.

Kenzie pushed the nipple out of her mouth with her tongue and turned her head towards my chest, closing her eyes. She wasn't particularly hungry or she would be crying. I sighed and put the bottle on the nightstand, then put her on the bed and laid down next to her. "Silly little thing," I murmured to her. "It's so good for you, why don't you just take it."

My baby didn't really care for what I thought and wriggled a bit in her blanket, staring at my face in the weak light from the lamp. I put my hand on her tummy and looked at her too, waiting until she would fall back asleep. I liked these little moments with her, like I've done since I was first alone in this house with her.

I wasn't alone now. Keira and Kegan were both here, sound a sleep in their rooms. It was strange, but since I got to spend a few nights a week with Kendall they had been easier to handle at home. The two of them were happier, did what I asked and didn't struggle as much. It helped me a lot and I got a lot more quality time with them, which made all of us happier.

Kendall said it was because I got more rest and he was probably right. Since James and Carlos offered to watch our kids a few nights a week so I could be with Kendall, I got three solid nights of sleep a week. I wasn't as exhausted anymore and even at home I got more hours than before. The painkillers and sleeping pills helped, even though I was reluctant to admit that. If I ever said that they helped, I wouldn't get to stay with Kendall as much as I did now. And I definitely needed that; being near Kendall was the only thing that made me feel safe after all these months of fear and pain.

Kenzie was still awake and looking around, kicking her little legs. She was so beautiful, my youngest daughter. So much like her sister, but with those incredible eyes. I loved looking at her and seeing Kendall, I finally got the best part of the man I loved most in a tiny person I got to keep with me. "You're so lucky," I whispered to her. "To have Kendall as your father. You and Keira and Kegan, you'll all become great little people with his help."

I ran my fingers over her little head and nose, those lovely baby features I missed. "But I'm the luckiest, Kendall." I smiled, "Because tomorrow I get to stay with him again and spend a whole day in his arms." I felt butterflies enter my stomach and my heart beating faster at that thought. The first few days after he'd woken up I was a bit uncertain. After so long of not talking to him, no interaction at all, I wasn't sure how to act around him, what I was allowed to do.

But for Kendall nothing had changed. He just went on where he'd left off. He held me and told me he loved me, until I felt he was my Kendall again, the one I left in the preparation room for surgery all those months ago. Now he brought me butterflies and wonderful dreams and I felt like a teenager again, falling in love for the first time. I was fortunate enough to experience that twice with the same amazing person.

Kendall was getting better, I could see it. He was no longer a skinny little form in a bed, but gaining weight and muscle again from the exercises he did to regain his strength. He was soft to lie on again and his heartbeat was strong. I'd missed it all and I couldn't wait to have him back home, spend long nights here in our bed. That was what I was looking forward most, those nights right here. I wanted nothing more.

Kenzie was falling asleep. Her eyes were falling closed as she looked around. I put my hand back on her belly like Kendall always did to help them fall asleep. He had big warm hands that were so gentle when handling a child, but were also used to hard work. My hands were smaller and probably not as effective as his, but Kenzie nevertheless fell asleep within a few minutes.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart," I whispered, very carefully picking her up and tucking her back in her bassinet. "Sweet dreams."

I curled back up in bed and hissed when I felt that pressure pain in my chest again. It had been there for a few days now and I couldn't figure out what it was. It was nothing inside of me, but almost like the skin on my chest had gotten too tight for my body. I saw nothing when I checked though, so it was probably a bruise of some kind.

I grabbed my phone. I didn't have to call Kendall at night anymore, but instead he left me sweet text with little stories before he went to sleep for me to read when I woke up to feed Kenzie. I saved them all and since he started two weeks ago I had about thirty.

I had a few favorites, three messages that made me feel warm inside and convinced me that better times would come for us. Kendall told me I would get the thing I wanted most; my family safely away from this city. In a quiet town where my children would grow up in a secure environment and where I wouldn't have to worry about all the bad things the city brought us.

In the first message Kendall told me how he felt about having Keira, Kegan and Kenzie with me. That he had never been so proud to be with me as when he looked at them and saw how amazing they were. When he saw Keira caring for her brother, Lizzy and Ally, when he saw Kegan laughing and joking, when he saw Kenzie sleeping on my arm. Kendall was so proud when he saw how they turned out to be and that he was so thankful I gave him the smartest, sweetest children in the world.

I always felt my heart rise in my chest when I was praised by the person whose opinion I valued most. I loved my children and thought they were the best in the world, but to hear that from Kendall made me feel incredible. I had done that, I had gotten him children.

The second message Kendall told me he only had one real wish for a new place. He wanted me to be happy there, so I would stay with him. He'd never felt so alone as he did a year ago when I was working at the hospital fulltime to avoid my pain and Kendall wished it would never happen again. To secure himself, he wanted to find a house that I loved so I would want to spend all my time there. And he would be there too.

It hurt me Kendall was still scared I would leave, but at the same time it showed me he honestly wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me. With those two things in mind I tried to show him that I would never, ever do anything like that again. I wanted Kendall to be happy and feel secure in our relationship. He didn't deserve to feel even the slightest bit of doubt.

The day after he sent me that message I could just see how insecure Kendall felt about telling me that and I spent the whole morning with my head on his chest, running my fingers over his arm. I didn't know what to tell him to take that fear away, but I could always show him that I loved nothing more than to be with him. I hoped I did that with everything I did.

In the third message Kendall told me how painful that first hour was after he woke up. When he didn't know where I was, that he'd expected to see me right after the surgery and that it hurt a lot I wasn't there. Then, when he found out about the coma and that he'd been out for two months, that pain turned into guilt. He promised me he would stay and he'd broken that promise, he was scared I had done something stupid. Kendall wanted to see me even more then, but he could barely talk let alone move. Being completely dependent on other people was something Kendall had never done well.

James had stormed into the room and explained everything that was going on and his sole focus had been getting himself to my room, help me with Kenzie's birth. Kendall had been scared when he first saw me again, how tired and white I looked. But that had gone away as soon as I looked at him and then he just felt sorry for me and wanted to hold me.

I remembered how amazing it had felt to snuggle up against him again and hear him murmur sweet words to me. All I wanted in that moment was for everyone to leave the room so I could be with Kendall and forget everything that happened. It had been one of the best moments of my live.

Those messages had something in common that none of the others had: they were all about Kendall wanting me. Kendall loved me.

"I love you too," I whispered. "I'll show you."

* * *

><p>On Thursday I woke up very pleasantly, two arms wrapped around my body and soft lips against my hair. Kendall was running his fingers over my arm and placing kisses where he could. I smiled and closed my eyes again, wanting to have this feeling for a little while longer. Even if he knew I was awake he didn't show it and I loved him for it, these were my favorite kinds of moments.<p>

"Do I get to see your eyes now?" He whispered after a few minutes, tightening his hold on me.

I blushed and looked up at him, feeling my cheeks get hotter when Kendall's eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas. "Hi."

"Hey."

"You slept for a really long time after Kenzie's last feeding. You know what time it is now?"

"Seven thirty," I guessed.

Kendall shook his head and smiled. "Almost nine."

"That is long. Kenzie'll be waking up soon then."

"She's already awake, she's just chosen not to cry yet."

I turned around to look in the stroller and saw her contently staring around the room, exactly like I was used to from her. "Kenzie's happy." I smiled at Kendall and put my head back on his chest.

"She is. It's a bit surprising though, since she isn't eating well."

"I'm sure she'll come around. If this was a problem for her she would let us know."

"I hope so," He said worriedly. "It's been going on for three weeks now."

"If something was wrong with her I would notice, Kendall," I said softly, squeezing in his arm.

"Yeah, you would," He answered; his worries just relieved a bit.

"What's for breakfast?"

"Eggs! And toast. That's the only thing slightly edible around here."

I chuckled. "But tonight you get turkey."

"I'm definitely looking forward to that. I've been craving normal person food for days now."

I had to agree with him on the hospital food thing. It tasted terrible, but I knew that was on purpose. The cook had to feed a hospital and many of these people were allergic to something. To keep the meals for everyone he had to avoid all those foods and not much choice was left then. "I asked the nurse to come back around nine and she agreed, but only becauce you looked so cute sleeping. Thanks to you I didn't have to let them get cold on my night stand."

"I am like that."

Kendall pressed his lips against my forehead. "You are."

I melted, loving this morning so much already. Ever since I got to sleep here, Kendall and I had so much time to talk and play games or just snuggle with a movie. All those things I'd missed out on when I couldn't sleep at night and had to do so here. It made me incredibly happy.

"I'll go get my own breakfast downstairs so we can eat it together," I said and reluctantly pulled away from him.

"Yeah," He nodded. "Did you bring my nice shirt for tonight?"

I smiled at him as I pulled out my clothes. "I did. The greenish blue plaid one."

Kendall look satisfied. "I want to not be in my pajamas tonight. I'm gonna look nice."

"You always look nice."

"Aw. Come here."

I went back to the bed and Kendall put his hands on my middle, pulling me in for a hug. I bit my lip as soon as my chest hit his and tried not to make a sound, but it really, really hurt. Apparently Kendall felt my tension and pulled away again, looking me over worriedly. "That pain in your chest again?"

I nodded, carefully lying my head on his shoulder but not touching any of our other body parts together. "It's gone now. It's really only when I bump into something or lie on my stomach."

Kendall rubbed my back and said nothing, but I knew he only let it go now because this was the first time since I got here that it did hurt. "Go get your breakfast," He murmured and pulled away. "And please bring me some butter and bacon. And an apple."

I chuckled. "I will."

He put his hand on my cheek and kissed me softly. "Hurry, Logie."

I nodded breathlessly and leaned in for another kiss. Kendall's kisses were the best in the world. I'd honestly only ever kisses two other people so I didn't have that much to compare him with, but I was sure of it nonetheless. "Go," Kendall whispered.

I turned around and quickly changed my pajama shirt for a clean one and left the room.

* * *

><p>After we ate breakfast and fed Kenzie, who didn't struggle this time, Kendall convinced me to take a shower with him. It didn't take a lot of convincing at all.<p>

Kendall took me to the bathroom and started undressing me, letting his fingers slide over my skin at every possibility. It felt amazing. Then I got to taking off his clothes, I wanted to feel him against me. Hide in his arms under the warm water.

The shower had a chair in it so Kendall could sit, he still couldn't stand up for very long. It was actually really good, sitting made cuddling easier. He opened the water and pulled me with him into the cabin, then pulled me in his lap. "I'm really happy you're here."

I nodded and pressed my face in the crook of his neck, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. Kendall put one arm around my middle and started running his fingers over my spine with his other. "I miss our bath. When we get a new house, we should look for one with a bath in the master bathroom."

"That would be nice."

"You know what I would also like to start doing there?"

"Hmm?"

"Start a vegetable garden. Grow some herbs to dry, apples to make juice and berries for jam. And maybe other things we can eat as well. I've always just done flowers and stuff, but they weren't really useful and at some point I would actually be done with the work. This I can keep doing and expanding."

"It sounds great, Kendall," I told him.

"I know, it would make cooking that much fun too."

"I want to do that together again, Kendall. The cooking."

"You mentioned you missed that, but we didn't really do that together the past few years."

I shrugged, I knew that, and what the reason was, but by now I grabbed onto every chance to spend time with Kendall with both hands. "I just want to."

"I'm not stopping you," He murmured, placing a kiss on my cheek and moving his lips down to my neck. We had done this before, kissing in the shower or late at night when neither of us could sleep, but to me it felt like a dirty secret and something we shouldn't be doing yet. Not just because we couldn't go further in a hospital with doctors and nurses having full access to this room, but also because I wasn't really ready yet. The first time we would even attempt to make out should be at home.

He moved his hands to my middle to pull me closer and bit softly on my pulse point. Obviously Kendall didn't share my opinion and I understood that; for him nothing changed. He fell into a coma not knowing any different than that we had a comfortable sex life and he just picked up where he left off. Like there hadn't been two months between the last time he saw me and now.

And it should be really flattering that Kendall was so eager to move further than the sweet kisses we had since he woke up, since I just gave birth and I really wasn't in the best place physically. But I rather stayed with what we had now, which felt safe. Until now I'd always had an excuse not to go on and when Kendall pulled on my leg to make me straddle him I had one again. "Ouch," I hissed and pulled away, crossing my arms over my chest.

Kendall looked at me worried, but just behind that I saw disappointment. He really had been hoping to do this. "I'm sorry, sweetie," He murmured, placing a kiss on my cheek. Then he carefully placed a hand on my shoulder and examined my chest, which didn't look any different than it normally did. "If it still hurts on Monday you have to tell the doctor, okay? Even if it's only when you put pressure on it, it's not supposed to hurt like this."

"Okay."

Kendall pulled me into a hug again, this time not making a move to go further. "Come, let's get out."

I got up and took Kendall's hand to help him out of the shower. I grabbed two towels and gave one to Kendall, then dried myself and put on my underwear to get our clothes from the room. "Here."

Kendall took them from me and dressed in the nice clothes I brought him for today. We finished in the bathroom and went back into the room, Kendall got on the bed and checked his phone while I went over to Kenzie. She was sleeping, but she had wriggled herself out of the blanket again. It was her favorite pass time and made me smile a bit, I would have to invest in some better swaddle blankets.

I climbed in next to Kendall and kissed his cheek, then laid my head on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around my waist, placing his hand on my leg. "Logan, if you're uncomfortable going further than we do now, why don't you tell me?"

I was only shocked for a moment, how did I know when I didn't tell him? But Kendall often knew things about me before I told him, this was no different. "I would never force you, baby, but to avoid that I need a little heads up."

"But you noticed," I said quietly.

"Only because I was looking for it. It gets painful when you get pushed away every time you try to initiate a little closeness and I was wondering if I was seeing too much into your excuses not to. It's every time though, can't be a coincidence."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. I should have just told him, it was always easier when Kendall knew what was going through my head.

"I'm not holding it against you, love. You probably have a good reason. I could help you though, maybe it's something we can work on together."

I shook my head and pulled away to look in his eyes. "I didn't say anything because for you nothing changed, you just picked up where you left off. But it's been two months, Kendall," I whispered, "And as much as I would like to forget all that happened then I can't. I'm not ready to do those things yet, definitely not when we're here. Can we wait until you get home and start rebuilding then?"

"Of course," He whispered, running his fingers over my cheek. "Can I say that I miss it though?"

I nodded, smiling sadly.

Kendall sighed and pulled me back against his shoulder. "I hoped it would make you feel a little more secure. I want you, Logie. More than anything else in the world."

"All I really need for now is this," I mumbled. "That you're here and that you'll come back home."

Kendall kissed my temple and held me tight, slowly leaning back against the pillows.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," I whispered. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie."

* * *

><p>We had a delightful Thanksgiving Dinner, all thanks too James' and Carlos' amazing work. Around four they came in with huge bags filled with food, all children wandering in behind them. I wondered how they'd been able to manage all that while keeping all these kids entertained. They brought a turkey -well, just the meat of it- and bread, so we could make sandwiches out of them. Not the traditional dinner, but in a hospital without an oven you had to be creative. There were lots of other snacks; fries, green beans, potato salad, chips, nuts, dried fruit. All kinds of things the kids liked. We had a lot of fun talking and entertaining the kids, then eating way more than we probably should. I was glad to see Kendall shovelling food down to his hearts content, he'd been getting better at that and I was hopeful he could come home soon.<p>

I was sitting in the chair next to the bed with Kenzie in my arms. I was trying to get her to go back to sleep after her bottle and a clean diaper, but she wasn't feeling it. It was fine though, she was really content just lying here. Kendall was sitting on the bed, reading them a book and sharing a bag of gummie bears with Kegan and Lizzy. They got to eat one every time he said the name of an animal, but he got one when he said a color. The kids were winning, the book was about forest animals searching for a friend.

Keira was sitting at the table with a coloring book, she had fun with the others but I knew at some point she just wanted to do her own thing. Carlos and James sat next to each other on the other side of Kendall's bed. Ally was in Carlos' lap, also listening to Kendall reading. She was shy and didn't really like coming close to Kendall or me if she didn't absolutely have to.

I loved this. I missed all of the holidays last year and I enjoyed seeing everyone here now. It helped me forget for just a little bit. We were all doing better now. James and Carlos finally had both girls and while they were just fostering Ally now because the research of her parents wasn't finished yet, they were working on adopting her too. Kenzie was finally here, our baby we'd been waiting for for four years. And Kendall was awake, which was kind of a condition for us all being happy.

"You're so lucky being born now, baby," I murmured, smiling when she pressed her little fists against her eyes. I pulled my legs up and held her on my arm, giving her my pinky to hold on to. I caressed her little fingers, wondering how she could be so perfect.

I was still admiring my baby when I felt someone sitting down next to me. "Hey James."

"Hey, she's not sleeping yet, is she?"

"No, she's a bit stubborn on that front. Why?"

"Ally is obsessed with dolls and playing house and I was wondering if you could provide me with the real thing for a few minutes."

"Oh, uhm. Sure." I turned Kenzie slightly so James could pick her up. "Careful," I said quietly when she whimpered.

"Don't worry, I can handle babies."

I decided not to mention the time he walked down the stairs with Lizzy on his arm and hit her head against the fence, mainly because I hadn't been that good of a parent myself in the past. He probably got more going for him than I did. I shook my head and pushed those thoughts away. Today was a fun day, not one to be jealous of James because the choices he made in life were better than mine. Which said something.

I watched how James kneeled down in front of Carlos and Ally and showed her Kenzie. It really was endearing to see the little girl get so excited over a baby. I saw Kendall looking over too and smiling softly before going back to the story. Kegan was getting tired, he was leaning against Kendall and trying really hard not to close his eyes.

I felt my good mood disappear, because tonight I wouldn't get to stay with Kendall. I had to go home and take care of my children, then try to sleep on my own. I couldn't remember when I had my last contact with him today, so I got up and sat next to him on the bed. Lizzy had gone over to see what her sister was gushing over, leaving me a place next to Kendall.

Kendall put his arm around my middle and nuzzled my temple, sighing softly. "Call me when you put the kids to bed?"

I nodded, turning my head to touch our noses together. "I'm glad I don't have to go shopping tomorrow."

"Instead you can come here and we'll start searching for Christmas presents for the kids. Right here from the bed, no shopping involved."

"We can't, there's no school tomorrow."

"Aw men. I actually had some really good ideas."

"You're gonna spoil them, aren't you?"

"Rotten," He admitted. "Keira and Kegan deserve that though. We've to really make the holidays magical."

I nodded, looking down at Kegan who was sleeping soundly. He was probably the one that got affected most by Kendall being away. Kegan hadn't known anything else than Kendall being there, my husband had been his primary caregiver his whole life. As much as I wanted to, I would never make up for that again. I saw it every time Kegan felt sad or scared, he would go straight for Kendall.

I couldn't really blame him.

I ran my fingers over Kegan's cheek. He would be handsome one day, a ladies man like James -before Carlos, anyway. "You should take him home, Logie."

"I know, I'm gonna," I sighed, looking up in his eyes. "How much days left?"

"About twenty, baby."

"Okay," I whispered. "And I can stay with you Saturday?"

"Promise."

I nodded and Kendall put his hand on my cheek to pull me in for a kiss. "You should go now."

I nodded again and gave him one more kiss before going over to Keira. "Hi, Keke. We're going home. Can you help me gather the toys Kegan brought? He fell asleep."

Keira helped me gather everything and put it back in the bag, then I got Kenzie and put her in the stroller. James and Carlos caught on and they started packing up too. They all said goodbye to Kendall and then James picked up Kegan so I wouldn't have to wake him and carried him down to the car.

It was tight, having three safety seats in the back, but Keira never complained about being squeezed between her brother and sister. When I got home all three of them were asleep and I carried them all to their beds, changing Keira and Kegan into their pajamas and giving Kenzie a clean diaper before I washed myself, took a sleeping pill and settled in bed with my phone.

"Hey, Logie."

"Hi."

"This was the best Thanksgiving in four years."

I smiled a bit. "It really was."

* * *

><p>On december first I woke up early in the morning, but late enough to not fall asleep again. Today was Monday, twelve days until my birthday and about two weeks until Kendall could go home. Kendall told me that if everything went like the past few weeks, the fourteenth was when he got released from the hospital. That was really exciting, but I rather had him here two days before that. I didn't really have any other wish for my birthday.<p>

I'd made peace with it though, Kendall promised me that the first day he got home would be childfree so we could be together. I couldn't wait for it, we would bake pancakes and cuddle on the couch with the animal show and take a nap to make the bed smell like Kendall again and search for houses and prepare dinner and take a bath and cuddle in bed until we fell asleep and it would be incredible.

I turned onto my other side to glance into Kenzie's bassinet, smiling when I saw she was still sound asleep. She'd gained a few ounces, not much but it was a start, and her hair was full of black hair. It was just like Keira's at her birth, the only difference was the color. Kendall would be ecstatic when it started curling.

I sighed, if I got up now, I would be able to take a shower and get ready before all my children woke up. I pushed the blanket back and crawled out, quickly making my way into the bathroom to get out of the cold. That was the one thing that didn't change since the sleeping pills, getting warm in bed took way longer than when Kendall slept next to me.

I took a quick shower, not testing my luck with Kenzie. It all was a lot less hurried when I usually did, being a single parent was hard work. Somehow Kendall had always made it seem easy, but it really took a lot.

I got out and looked at myself in the mirror, not exactly happy with what I saw. I was not taking care of myself like I should, especially now after giving birth. But I figured I had pretty much ruined myself when Kendall was in a coma, it was no use trying to fix that. My skin was white and so were the scars on my arm and legs which made them less noticable, but every time I ran my fingers over my skin I could feel them. At that point it had been incredible to feel the pain and temporarily forget the much bigger pain I felt, but now I regretted ever doing it. Just seeing Kendall's face when he looked at them brought me enough shame and insecurity to make me sorry I ever did it. I vividly remembered how thin I'd been when I first got home after my big mistake, but most of that weight I put on again during pregnancy. However, when Kendall fell into the coma, eating fell off my list of priorities and Kenzie used a lot of my resources to keep growing while I didn't provide her with new food. All the extra weight I put on since March got off me when I gave birth and I was back to square one, except that while I wasn't just thin now, my skin fell around my body like it was a size too big.

I knew it would recover in time, but at the moment it didn't really make me feel pretty. Kendall could say all he wanted, but until I lost the skin I wouldn't be satisfied. To be more healthy though, I would need a better routine than I had now. Until Kendall was back at home it made no sense setting up a better eating schedule, because for now I was constantly moving from here to the hospital, with or without kids and it was all too much to do this as well. It would have to wait.

I started drying myself, just staring ahead into the mirror while I got lost in thought. Tonight I would stay with Kendall, but James asked me to pick up the kids from school because he had an appointment with his agency. So I would stay with Kendall until then, bring the kids there and entertain them until James picked them up and took them home. It almost started to feel normal, as if this was what our lives were supposed to be like.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I saw a white drop slowly making it's way down my chest. At first I thought it was shampoo, but then I remembered I hadn't used any. It hit me harder and quicker than it should have, like it had been in the back of my mind for a while now but I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge it until I had no other explanation.

The pain in my chest had gotten less in the days after Thanksgiving, so much so that even Kendall forgot all about it by the time I had my last post natal doctor's appointment. It hadn't disappeared though and kept showing up in the days after that, just less intense which made it easier to ignore them. I had never put much thought into what it was because something serious felt different, having experienced lots of serious pain in my life. But now I knew.

"Just my luck," I muttered, cursing quietly under my breath. I wondered why I never had this before, after all this wasn't my first time growing a little human. It was probably one of those things that needed some time to grow after the first set of hormones kicked in. After all, girls had all of their teenage years to fully develop this stuff.

I put on my underwear and went back into my bedroom, glad that Kenzie was already awake. "Hi, sweetie," I said softly, picking her up and settling back in bed. "You've to help me for a little bit." I put a pillow in my lap and one behind my back, making sure I was sitting comfortably. This was really strange, but not unheard of. Even men who weren't like I was were able to do this with the right stimulation. I wasn't worried about what it would do to Kenzie, the human body only ever allowed the best substances to be passed to their young.

With that in mind I pulled Kenzie closer and guided her little mouth to my nipple. It was as if she'd been waiting to do this her whole life and now I thought of it that could actually be true. She'd been having trouble drinking from a bottle and it was probably because she knew she had access to something she deemed better.

It felt really strange, maybe apart from the relieve I felt that the pressure was finally taken off. Kenzie was drinking way more eagerly than I'd ever seen her do and it felt kind of soothing to see my baby taking from me instead of some unnatural source. I realized that I actually liked this. I smiled softly when I saw her eyes closing while her little hands grabbed for my skin. "You're doing so well, baby," I said softly, running my fingers over her hair. "You don't have to hurry, we have time."

Kenzie didn't feel that though and acted like she would never get to do this again and had to take in as much as she could right now. After about five minutes she pulled away and started crying, so I turned her around to get her on my other side. I probably didn't produce enough to do this full time, but apparently Kenzie really liked it. If I could do this one or two times a day, it wouldn't be so bad.

I would actually love it.


End file.
